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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Family & Friends
- Subject: Comedy / Humor
- Published: 05/02/2016
After Three.......................
(By Ossie Durrans)
Episode one - LOOSE.
The Band ;-
Organ/Piano/ Piano Accordion - Bam - Leader of the band, the only serious one.
Bass Guitar - Joe - Easy going, light hearted.
Lead/Rhythm Guitar - Willy - A worrier.
Drums - Fatso - Jolly and fat.
Opening Credits roll and ;-
Bam waves to band “After three - one, two, three .......”
Straight into “Do you love me ( Brian Poole and the Tremeloes. )
Internal of a village hall - empty.
The band is entering with instruments and start to set up.
Fatso - “What a rat hole this is for our first ever booking !. How much are we getting ?.”
Bam - “£40. (Pause) for 4 hours.”
Fatso (jocular manner) - “Oh, that’s great, £40 each, I’m looking forward to buying a........”
Bam(interrupts) - “You know flipping well it’s £10 each.”
Joe - “Still, when we make the big time and all the talent is chasing us.....”
Willy - “If the talent chases after me they’ll have one hell of a job to catch me.”
Joe - “The trouble with you is you’re too tense - just relax a bit and you’ll be OK.”
Willy (stammering) - “I-I-I---Its easy for you to say that. B-B-B-B-But how do you stop worrying once you’ve started - you can’t just turn it off and be easy going like you,”
Bam - “Anyhow, talking of talent, there should be plenty here tonight ‘cos there’s only two dances at Skegdale Institute each year and this is one of them.”
Fatso - “Yeah, I’ve heard about the whores that come down from the hills.”
Willy (puzzled) - You’ve got that wrong somehow.”
Bam(to Joe) - “Has your amp warmed up yet ?.” “The First Time’ (Adam Faith)
Camera close up of an old valved bass amplifier.
Joe - “Yes - the kettles boiling.”
Bam - “OK then let’s try the Shadows new one and you can try the funny walk while no one’s looking.”
After three... one, two, three.......”
They launch into ‘Dance on’ ( The Shadows )
Scene changes to the back room where Winnie is making sandwiches for the band supper.
She is in her seventies and resembles Minnie Mouse. As she gets into the beat she begins to spread the butter in time to the music.
Back in the main hall Joe and Willy are getting the hang of the Shadows walk.
Cut back to Winnie who is really becoming ‘loose’.
Scene changes to later that night. The band is playing ‘Charmaine’ (Bachelors)
The tune comes to an end with an over long drum roll.
Fatso picks up the microphone - “Well this really is a fantastic atmosphere here tonight at Skegdale Institute. We’re really thrilled to be here tonight on our first ever booking. This, only the second dance of the year in the splendid
surroundings of this fine historic, old building.”
The camera pans round the hall which is deserted. Silence reigns.
Fatso to Bam in a whisper - “Are you sure they said ---£40 ?.”
Bam, whispering - “Yes.”
Joe, whispering - “I can hear something.”
Willy, whispering - “It must be the whores coming down from the hills.”
They look to the main door which is rattling.
The main door opens and a man in a boiler suit and dirty wellies comes in.
Boilersuit Man - “Nice to see you lads - in aid of the Cricket Club tonight - Winnie here is doing your supper. Oh, and she’s on the door and the bouncer as well.”
‘He’s a Rebel’ ( The Crystals.)
Winnie has entered and bobs a curtsy.
Boilersuit Man - “ I’m the Cricket Club secretary and I’ve just finished milking the cows. The pubs’ll be closing soon so people will be coming in-- fast. I’m off to get changed. Give us a dance first Winnie.”
The band pick up their instruments and play ‘Confessing’ (Frank Ifield). Winnie and Boilersuitman dance with flourishes using the full dance floor.
They give a polished display, despite the dirty wellies and exit through the main door.
A few girls begin to drift in and eye up the band.
Joe in whisper to Willy - “I don’t like the look of yours.”
Willy - “I don’t like the look of any of them - I bet they left their wellingtons and knuckle dusters in the ladies.”
The same scene later that night, the band is playing ‘I Like It.’ ( Gerry and the Pacemakers).
Two girls are dancing together in front of the band with their handbags on the floor between them.
Girl 1 - “I like the one that looks like Adam Faith -- on the guitar.”
Girl 2 - “I like the one playing with his organ.”
Camera to Bam who happens to be smiling appropriately in away that suggest he is.
(Giggles)
Girl 1 - “I didn’t realise he was an organist - I thought he was a penist.”
(More Giggles)
Girl 1 - “Dam it.”
Girl 2 - “What’s wrong.”
Girl 1 - “My elastic’s gone.”
She continues to gyrate in front of the band and her black lace knickers drop down her legs in time to the music.
Eventually she steps out of them, picks them up and waves them above her head. Then she puts them in her handbag and continues dancing.
Willy leans across to Joe - “She--Shee--She’s got nothing on now -- you know what I mean ?.”
The band breaks tempo for a while as it considers the thought. After a scowl from Bam they recover the timing again.
The tune ends and Fatso picks up the microphone.
Fatso - “We’re having a short interval now - to give you a chance to buy some more raffle tickets and top up your drinks. The raffle will be drawn when we start again in about ten minutes. Thank you.”
The band demob and go through to the backroom where Winnie is waiting with sandwiches and pouring cups of tea.
Winnie - “Come on lads you might be lucky.”
She offers them raffle tickets. They all buy them.
Joe to Willy - “Why is it that a good looking lad like you is shy of the girls ?.”
Willy - “I don’t know but it won’t go away just like that. The harder I try to chase it away the worse it gets.”
Bam - “There you see, you can talk freely enough with us - just do the same with the girls.”
Willy - “I can’t, I just can’t. Something inside just throws a switch into a different channel and that’s it ! can’t do anything about it until the female has gone, then it’s too late.”
Fatso - “It never bothers me - talking to girls. Maybe it’s because I have two sisters. You don’t have any sisters do you ?.”
Willy - “I never thought of that.”
Bam interrupts - “Come on the natives are getting restless - lets get back.”
Fatso gives Willy a big kiss on the cheek.
Willy - “You dirty sod.” ‘ Do you want to know a Secret’ (Billy J. Kramer and The Dakotas)
He wipes his cheek as if it is infected.
Fatso - “Yeah - let’s go sock it to ‘em - Oo me goolies, Oo me goolies.”
They return to the stage. Boilersuit man (now dressed in a suit) and Winnie draw the raffle.
Boilersuitman - “The final ticket is .........Number 15. The star prize is a 3 month piglet.”
No one comes forward.
Bam - “Oh no........ I’ve got it !”
Cheers all round.
Fatso to the band - “Right, I’m going to do it .”
Fatso to audience - “ I have an announcement to make - Quiet please - Before we started tonight - Joe here
became a father of a 6lb baby girl. That’s probably why he looks so rough.”
Everyone cheers. Joe acts suitably shy.
Willy to Joe - “ I don’t know how he dare tell such lies - He’ll get arrested one day.”
Joe - “They’re all on our side now though aren’t they ?.”
Bam - “After three..............”
They play ‘Hava Nagila’ (The Spotnicks). The dance floor becomes hectic as the tempo speeds up.
Bam - “We’ll have to do a ‘Gay Gordons’ next ‘cos this do is advertised as ‘50-50’
He gets his piano accordion and after a struggle with the straps plays the instrumental introduction. Joe and Willy both approach the microphone.
“Oh, she’ll have to sleep with Grandpa when she comes,
Yes, she’ll have to sleep with Grandpa when she comes”
The floor comes immediately to life, despite the Rock and Roll and everyone, bar none gets up to dance.
Finishing eventually with;-
“How I wish that I were Grandpa, wish that I were Grandpa,
Wish that I were Grandpa when she comes,”
Cheers and laughter, all ages sigh and move to sit down or clear the floor.
Fatso - “Take your partners now for the last waltz.”
He sings “Take these chains from my heart. (Ray Charles)
Out on the dance floor the lights are dimmed and the dancers sway slowly.
Scene changes to the band packing away.
Boilersuit man enters with a piglet on a dog’s collar and lead. “ Don’t Talk to Him” (Cliff Richards)
Boilersuit man - “Here you are then - first prize.”
He undoes the collar, lets the piglet free and leaves abruptly with a smile
Joe and Willy try to catch the Pig but it escapes squealing profusely ,eventually it even smashes the bass valved amplifier.
Willy catches it and carries it out to the van outside the institute.
Joe - surveying the broken amplifier - “Well that’s my pocket money gone”
Girls 1 and 2 enter - “Can you give us a lift to Bedale we’ve missed the bus.”
“ Don’t Talk to Him” (Cliff Richards)
Bam - “OK, if you don’t mind sharing a seat with a pig.”
Girl 1 - “Which one of you’s the pig ?” No answer to this.
They load up the van to background music - ‘Little Town Flirt” (Del Shannon)
Van pulls away, Joe is seen giving pig a sweet - Background music becomes ‘Sweets for my Sweet’ (The Searchers)
The occupants are swaying and singing to the tune.
Closing Credits roll ;-
Bam waves to the band “After three....................
“She Loves you.” (The Beatles.)
After Three.........(Ossie Durrans)
After Three.......................
(By Ossie Durrans)
Episode one - LOOSE.
The Band ;-
Organ/Piano/ Piano Accordion - Bam - Leader of the band, the only serious one.
Bass Guitar - Joe - Easy going, light hearted.
Lead/Rhythm Guitar - Willy - A worrier.
Drums - Fatso - Jolly and fat.
Opening Credits roll and ;-
Bam waves to band “After three - one, two, three .......”
Straight into “Do you love me ( Brian Poole and the Tremeloes. )
Internal of a village hall - empty.
The band is entering with instruments and start to set up.
Fatso - “What a rat hole this is for our first ever booking !. How much are we getting ?.”
Bam - “£40. (Pause) for 4 hours.”
Fatso (jocular manner) - “Oh, that’s great, £40 each, I’m looking forward to buying a........”
Bam(interrupts) - “You know flipping well it’s £10 each.”
Joe - “Still, when we make the big time and all the talent is chasing us.....”
Willy - “If the talent chases after me they’ll have one hell of a job to catch me.”
Joe - “The trouble with you is you’re too tense - just relax a bit and you’ll be OK.”
Willy (stammering) - “I-I-I---Its easy for you to say that. B-B-B-B-But how do you stop worrying once you’ve started - you can’t just turn it off and be easy going like you,”
Bam - “Anyhow, talking of talent, there should be plenty here tonight ‘cos there’s only two dances at Skegdale Institute each year and this is one of them.”
Fatso - “Yeah, I’ve heard about the whores that come down from the hills.”
Willy (puzzled) - You’ve got that wrong somehow.”
Bam(to Joe) - “Has your amp warmed up yet ?.” “The First Time’ (Adam Faith)
Camera close up of an old valved bass amplifier.
Joe - “Yes - the kettles boiling.”
Bam - “OK then let’s try the Shadows new one and you can try the funny walk while no one’s looking.”
After three... one, two, three.......”
They launch into ‘Dance on’ ( The Shadows )
Scene changes to the back room where Winnie is making sandwiches for the band supper.
She is in her seventies and resembles Minnie Mouse. As she gets into the beat she begins to spread the butter in time to the music.
Back in the main hall Joe and Willy are getting the hang of the Shadows walk.
Cut back to Winnie who is really becoming ‘loose’.
Scene changes to later that night. The band is playing ‘Charmaine’ (Bachelors)
The tune comes to an end with an over long drum roll.
Fatso picks up the microphone - “Well this really is a fantastic atmosphere here tonight at Skegdale Institute. We’re really thrilled to be here tonight on our first ever booking. This, only the second dance of the year in the splendid
surroundings of this fine historic, old building.”
The camera pans round the hall which is deserted. Silence reigns.
Fatso to Bam in a whisper - “Are you sure they said ---£40 ?.”
Bam, whispering - “Yes.”
Joe, whispering - “I can hear something.”
Willy, whispering - “It must be the whores coming down from the hills.”
They look to the main door which is rattling.
The main door opens and a man in a boiler suit and dirty wellies comes in.
Boilersuit Man - “Nice to see you lads - in aid of the Cricket Club tonight - Winnie here is doing your supper. Oh, and she’s on the door and the bouncer as well.”
‘He’s a Rebel’ ( The Crystals.)
Winnie has entered and bobs a curtsy.
Boilersuit Man - “ I’m the Cricket Club secretary and I’ve just finished milking the cows. The pubs’ll be closing soon so people will be coming in-- fast. I’m off to get changed. Give us a dance first Winnie.”
The band pick up their instruments and play ‘Confessing’ (Frank Ifield). Winnie and Boilersuitman dance with flourishes using the full dance floor.
They give a polished display, despite the dirty wellies and exit through the main door.
A few girls begin to drift in and eye up the band.
Joe in whisper to Willy - “I don’t like the look of yours.”
Willy - “I don’t like the look of any of them - I bet they left their wellingtons and knuckle dusters in the ladies.”
The same scene later that night, the band is playing ‘I Like It.’ ( Gerry and the Pacemakers).
Two girls are dancing together in front of the band with their handbags on the floor between them.
Girl 1 - “I like the one that looks like Adam Faith -- on the guitar.”
Girl 2 - “I like the one playing with his organ.”
Camera to Bam who happens to be smiling appropriately in away that suggest he is.
(Giggles)
Girl 1 - “I didn’t realise he was an organist - I thought he was a penist.”
(More Giggles)
Girl 1 - “Dam it.”
Girl 2 - “What’s wrong.”
Girl 1 - “My elastic’s gone.”
She continues to gyrate in front of the band and her black lace knickers drop down her legs in time to the music.
Eventually she steps out of them, picks them up and waves them above her head. Then she puts them in her handbag and continues dancing.
Willy leans across to Joe - “She--Shee--She’s got nothing on now -- you know what I mean ?.”
The band breaks tempo for a while as it considers the thought. After a scowl from Bam they recover the timing again.
The tune ends and Fatso picks up the microphone.
Fatso - “We’re having a short interval now - to give you a chance to buy some more raffle tickets and top up your drinks. The raffle will be drawn when we start again in about ten minutes. Thank you.”
The band demob and go through to the backroom where Winnie is waiting with sandwiches and pouring cups of tea.
Winnie - “Come on lads you might be lucky.”
She offers them raffle tickets. They all buy them.
Joe to Willy - “Why is it that a good looking lad like you is shy of the girls ?.”
Willy - “I don’t know but it won’t go away just like that. The harder I try to chase it away the worse it gets.”
Bam - “There you see, you can talk freely enough with us - just do the same with the girls.”
Willy - “I can’t, I just can’t. Something inside just throws a switch into a different channel and that’s it ! can’t do anything about it until the female has gone, then it’s too late.”
Fatso - “It never bothers me - talking to girls. Maybe it’s because I have two sisters. You don’t have any sisters do you ?.”
Willy - “I never thought of that.”
Bam interrupts - “Come on the natives are getting restless - lets get back.”
Fatso gives Willy a big kiss on the cheek.
Willy - “You dirty sod.” ‘ Do you want to know a Secret’ (Billy J. Kramer and The Dakotas)
He wipes his cheek as if it is infected.
Fatso - “Yeah - let’s go sock it to ‘em - Oo me goolies, Oo me goolies.”
They return to the stage. Boilersuit man (now dressed in a suit) and Winnie draw the raffle.
Boilersuitman - “The final ticket is .........Number 15. The star prize is a 3 month piglet.”
No one comes forward.
Bam - “Oh no........ I’ve got it !”
Cheers all round.
Fatso to the band - “Right, I’m going to do it .”
Fatso to audience - “ I have an announcement to make - Quiet please - Before we started tonight - Joe here
became a father of a 6lb baby girl. That’s probably why he looks so rough.”
Everyone cheers. Joe acts suitably shy.
Willy to Joe - “ I don’t know how he dare tell such lies - He’ll get arrested one day.”
Joe - “They’re all on our side now though aren’t they ?.”
Bam - “After three..............”
They play ‘Hava Nagila’ (The Spotnicks). The dance floor becomes hectic as the tempo speeds up.
Bam - “We’ll have to do a ‘Gay Gordons’ next ‘cos this do is advertised as ‘50-50’
He gets his piano accordion and after a struggle with the straps plays the instrumental introduction. Joe and Willy both approach the microphone.
“Oh, she’ll have to sleep with Grandpa when she comes,
Yes, she’ll have to sleep with Grandpa when she comes”
The floor comes immediately to life, despite the Rock and Roll and everyone, bar none gets up to dance.
Finishing eventually with;-
“How I wish that I were Grandpa, wish that I were Grandpa,
Wish that I were Grandpa when she comes,”
Cheers and laughter, all ages sigh and move to sit down or clear the floor.
Fatso - “Take your partners now for the last waltz.”
He sings “Take these chains from my heart. (Ray Charles)
Out on the dance floor the lights are dimmed and the dancers sway slowly.
Scene changes to the band packing away.
Boilersuit man enters with a piglet on a dog’s collar and lead. “ Don’t Talk to Him” (Cliff Richards)
Boilersuit man - “Here you are then - first prize.”
He undoes the collar, lets the piglet free and leaves abruptly with a smile
Joe and Willy try to catch the Pig but it escapes squealing profusely ,eventually it even smashes the bass valved amplifier.
Willy catches it and carries it out to the van outside the institute.
Joe - surveying the broken amplifier - “Well that’s my pocket money gone”
Girls 1 and 2 enter - “Can you give us a lift to Bedale we’ve missed the bus.”
“ Don’t Talk to Him” (Cliff Richards)
Bam - “OK, if you don’t mind sharing a seat with a pig.”
Girl 1 - “Which one of you’s the pig ?” No answer to this.
They load up the van to background music - ‘Little Town Flirt” (Del Shannon)
Van pulls away, Joe is seen giving pig a sweet - Background music becomes ‘Sweets for my Sweet’ (The Searchers)
The occupants are swaying and singing to the tune.
Closing Credits roll ;-
Bam waves to the band “After three....................
“She Loves you.” (The Beatles.)
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