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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Love stories / Romance
- Subject: Drama
- Published: 06/26/2017
BY
HAKEEM OMER
chapter one
walking on the side of the river
finding the notebook
The fall was close to an end, yellow-brownish leaves were falling down from the trees, some were flying spinning with the wind while the others were falling to the ground, furnishing the ground with beautiful mixed colors, creating beautiful art, showing the beauty of the nature, and most of all showing the greatness of the artist, the mighty GOD.
I went out for a walk by the side of the river, as usual, seeking some peace of mind, which it was very difficult to find nowadays, at the time the world was going through too much chaos, too many turbulence shaking the world and disturbing the life of mankind, the most spoken word all over the media around the world, and among the people around us , were about war ,terror , killing and destroying .... none of those words were any good, and they all served the Devil somehow in some way.
The fear of what was going on and what was coming, was very obvious on the faces of the people that I saw every day, leaving them with troubled souls, who were desperate for some peace to live with. People were trying a different way to figure out how or where they can find peace, even if that peace would last for just a few moments, though many times a few moments of peace are all we need to clear our mind and make the right choices and decisions in our daily life.
Walking by the side of the river was the best place for me to feel the comfort of peace. Other people would come there too, some would be fishing, swimming, taking a nap under the shade of the trees, but after all, we were all looking for what was missing from our daily lives," peace ".
The weather was nice on that day, a little bit chilly, but with my coat on and my scarf around my neck, I was fine, walking on the side of the river was fun, I enjoyed every moment of it, fresh air mixed with the moisture from the river, the beautiful music played by the nature, the sound of the river, the whistling of the wind, the tweeting of the birds, frogs ,insects everyone was participating in the music played by the nature, natural orchestra, if I can call it that way, listening to all that took me to a different world, a world that exists only in my thoughts and my imagination, the world that does not exist in real life nowadays, and that was the best way for me to live a few short moments of peace and most of the time, the only way.
At the pace of an old man walking my way toward my usual spot and my favorite one, where I usually sit down on the edge of the river, I took my shoes, my sock off and laid my feet in the water, then I leaned back and watched the doves flying freely high in the sky flipping, playing, and having fun, as I myself enjoyed the warm gentle heat from the sunlight that was disappearing behind the clouds and came out again, I closed my eyes and fell asleep, though it was a short nap, but certainly it brought some comfort and relief to my old body, I did not wish to wake up, but something was rubbing against my leg causing an comfortable feeling, at first I thought they were the little fish biting my leg, which they used to do,however as many time I have been there and experienced the biting of the little fish I knew they were not the little fish, this time it felt different, I had to get up quickly to see what it was. It was strange what I saw in the water, It was a package wrapped very carefully with plastic, like it was meant to be in the water, or to be protected from the water, I pulled it out from the river to figure out what it was, but without opening the package, it was not possible to know.
Well .... I better leave it unopened and wait. Maybe whoever lost it will come back and look for it, I say talking to myself.
I waited by the river till the sunset, looking forward, to see someone coming after the package to claim it, but no one did, I had to leave my spot heading home before the night fell, I carried the package with me to keep it safe, maybe in the next day someone will come there looking for it. That package kept me awake most of the night, wondering about what was inside. I won't deny that I was very tempted to open it, but then I thought I should wait till the next day.
early in the morning, I went back to the same spot. Whoever I met in my way, I asked them if they had lost anything, but it was hopeless, I found none to claim the package which left me with no choice but to open it, in the hopes of finding a name or address that could lead me to the owner of that package.
With great care trying not to cause any damage, I unwrapped the plastic from around the package. to find out, the package contained a strange Item, a " notebook" ...
With no name, no address, nothing could tell me to whom this notebook belonged, I had to go further, digging, searching for any information that could lead me to the owner.
I opened the notebook and started flipping pages.
first page
blank
second page
There was a strange note written, as everything else about this package was.
The note;
if you have reached this far, that means you have already opened my notebook, whether you decide to read it or not, all I'm asking you, please, be kind and have some respect for my memories, when you are done reading it, put it back the way it was, and throw it into the river , allow my memories to reach as far as possible, allow the destiny to choose in the hands of whom my memories shall reach or how far the river will take it, to buried under the ground, as I soon will be buried under the ground.
Do not worry about finding me, or trying to know me , though I am only another simple man who came to this life, and lived his time, and left, leaving nothing behind except some memories, written inside a notebook, some sad, some happy, some wise, some fool, and most of it lonely, to be read by whoever will find it, and maybe no one will ever find it, I don't know..... . reading wise I don't know if they are worth reading or not, I will leave that up to you to decide.
By now he had all my attention, not many people care about writing their memories, not many people would like to share the secrets of their life with others.
like most people, I was nosey, curious to know the unknown, besides that, other than lessening to my wife complaining about everything and nothing, I had nothing else to do, I rather read the story of this mysterious man than lessoning to her all day long.
I started flipping page after page.
Third page
My name is "Jamal "
In 1997, I moved to the United States of America, searching for a new life in a new country that could provide a stable life and good future for my family, leaving behind the poor life and years of suffering from the unjust system of our country Iraq.
The course of the life in America went by very fast, being busy most of the time, moving from job to another struggling trying to fit the new society, and working hard trying to make a living, and taking care of the family, keeping up with the cost of living and saving money for the coming days was not an easy task, it takes years and years of hard working to do that, the years were flying by very fast, twenty-five years passed without looking back, to see what I have accomplished in my life, by the time I stopped and turned around to looked back, I found myself an old man covered with gray hear, running alone, chasing the shadows of the life, not realizing when or where I have lost those who were running with me, some of them went separate ways and others quit running, I was left alone facing my last fight before I reach the finish line, I fought many battles in my life, poverty, hunger, injustice, dictators, bullies, sickness, ignorance.
I tasted the winning and losing, but no matter how hard the hit was I never gave up, I always managed to stand up on my feet again, but this time my opponent was not an ordinary one, it was the lung cancer in its last stage, which already eliminated my days in this world before I even knew it, not only that, it was trying to make sure my last days would be very painful.
About four months ago I found out about it.
Chapter two
The lung cancer issue
5:00 Am
It was time to wake up to prepare myself for another day of hard working, as a normal routine of my life, same job, same people, same way of living for years, not much of a change , the only thing was different that day was me, the moment I tried to get out of my bed I knew something was wrong, because as far as I could remember from the first day I started working this job, this was the first time I did not wish to get out of my warm bed, my whole body was in pain, I felt like I woke up in a different body, weak, no energy, my throat was sour, itchy, followed by a slight cough.
I guess staying outside In a cold night was a bad idea, especially for an old man like me.
some of our habits could bring great harm to us great, however sitting on my rocking chair smoking my pipe while drinking a cup of my homemade coffee was something I would not trade for anything in the world, plus I've been doing it for many years, even on snowy days.
I loved the peace of the night, maybe because of the lonely feeling I used to have at night, I don't know , I don't even care to know, all I know, is that I enjoyed the peace of the night sitting on my rocking chair on the front porch of my house, but nothing comes free in this life, the price was, I got sick with flu, well... that's what I thought it was, maybe that is why I didn't make a big deal out of it, I just took some cough syrup, that was left from the last time I had a cold, and toke off heading to my job, believing it is just a slight cold, and it should go away within a few days, I should have stayed home resting in my warm bed, but I didn't, I guess my pride didn't allow me to give up that easy, well.. I never considered the flu a serious sickness, I don't remember when was the last time I stayed in bed for a slight cold , I didn't realize, that slight cold was the sign of a close end to my life, day after day I was less energy, less appetite to the food, my body was falling apart, above all I start coughing blood, I knew then, something was not right, as many times I had a cold in my life, this time was not like any of it , we all know, flue takes week or two , and it goes away, but this time it didn't go away, even though I tried different brands of cold medicines from over the counter, but none of it helped,
left me no choice but to go visit my good friend Dr. Keith. who was my Doctor for many years, and also happens to be one of my best friends.
in his office I and Dr. Keith talked and laughed for a while about the past and the crazy things we used to do, then he asked me'' what is going on my friend?
you don't look good, you are not planning to die anytime soon?''
I said ''no, not before I bury you'', ...then I told him about a cough I had recently and all the symptoms.
he checked my throat, my nose, my ear, then he listened to my heart beeping and my breathing with his stethoscope, and after a little pause, he asked me if was still smoking?
I said;'' yes I sure do''
he said;'' well, you should have quit, a long time ago, or at least tried to quit''
I asked him ''what is it?''
he said;'' I am not sure yet maybe it's just an infection, but let's do some tests and some X-rays, then we will go from there''.I sensed some worry in the tune of his voice and in his eyes, though he didn't say it.
but I've known him for a long time and I could tell when he's hiding something or lying.
he prescribed some cough medicine and some pills for pain, then he advised me to go home and rest for a few days until all your test result comes back from the LAB.
after doing all the tests and taking X-rays that he recommended for me, I went home to spend the rest of my day working in my yard, trying to stay busy, because laying in the bed thinking about my sickness or sitting on the couch watching TV, Nah ,, to me that was even worse than being sick.the next day I went back to work, till I received a call from Dr. Keith, couple days later, asking me to come back to his office, to discuss the tests results, he entered the office with a file in his hand, he sat the file on the table, and started walking back and forth holding his hands behind his back, quite, he had deep sadness covered his face, speechless, like someone lost the head of his speech, there were many words on his tongue but he didn't know from where to start.
I ask him'' what's up Doc? did the cat eat your tongue?
I believe you didn't ask me to come here to watch your ugly face walking back and forth''
''No.,'' replied Doctor Keith...
''Sorry my friend , I'm just going through emotional moments, as you know delivering news to a patient is not an easy task for us as doctors, in fact it is a very painful part of our job, especially when the patient is someone very close and dear to our heart, however it is our duty, to tell the truth to the patient, no matter how bad it could be, and there is no easy way to say it'' .
I said: '' doc. just say it, I don't think it will be any worse than what I have been through in my past life, and among all the people I have known, you know better than anyone else how painful my life was, and how many hardships I have been through in my life , so go ahead, say what you have to say I think I can handle any bad news , so spit out, say what you have to say and let me worry about the rest.
Well, the result of all your tests and the X-rays are negative, they show you are sick with lung cancer in the late stage, which means the odds are not in your favor, however, that does not mean it is the end of it, there is always treatments and there is the option of surgery, I have always advised you to quit smoking , I told you, smoking will kill you one day.
from the deep sadness, showing up on his face, I could tell, that he cared about me, and our friendship.
don't feel so bad my dear friend, soon or later we all are going to die one day regardless of the cause'' I said.
we sat there for a moment digesting this news until I asked the one question anyone asks upon finding out that they have a dangerous disease.
''how long do I have?'' I asked him.
He said ''well ... death and life is in the hand of GOD, we don't know how long nor where or when, all we can say, is just expectation and estimation according to the tests results and other facts, the rest is up to the one who gives life and takes it, my advice to you is, strength your faith in GOD and never lose hope in his mercy .
we will run more tests and diagnoses, and go from there''.
you did not answer my question, how long do
I Have? I asked him again.
Doctor Kieth, as you know lung cancer is a very serious illness, and the length depends on many other factors, in your case, and according to your tests, I would say maybe a year, more or less, and that is the opinion of other Doctors who are specialized in cases like yours, but again death and life are in the hand of GOD, we will do what we can, and leave the rest to the mercy of GOD''
he prescribed some medicine and gave me some information about some cancer treatment center, and places to seek help, as a good friend of mine he tried his best to comfort me, and help.
for several days after that I kept going back and forth doing all kind of tests, they all came up negative, my illness became a fact of a close end to my life, and a painful one, we all know death is a fact of our life , soon or later our life will have an end, the good thing about it is we don't know when or how it will be, maybe that is the reason we live a normal life till we reach the end of it , however it is a completely different feeling when we know in fact when we will die or even if we know we are close to it, knowing that is enough to Rowan your life, and kill any joy or happiness in your life.
I tried my best not to give up that easy, first thing I did, I stopped doing any further tests, went back to my job playing in the mud as my colleague was saying, pretending I was fine, nothing happened, the job was hard, but the pay was good, and above all that working for a grading company was great fun, you get to ride all kinds of heavy machines and play with the dirt, too bad all that fun, and happiness vanished, and disappeared with the appearing of lung cancer .
day after day my illness went from worse to worse like poison spreading in my body, too much pain to handle, especially in the night time, my whole body was falling apart, I started missing days from work, spent more time in bed.
Everything became meaningless around me, the world we live in became a small cage I wished to be free from it at any cost, I used to be eager to see tomorrow coming, I loved to see the sunlight coming out pushing the darkness of the night away revealing what the night was hiding, my eagerness to see tomorrow wasn't because I had great plans for my life, perhaps all my attention was to discover the future of mine, unfortunately, my future was holding nothing but pain, made me wish with the sunrise of every day that my life would come to an end with the end of the day.
I lived a lonely life in the past, and my present days were not much different, so definitely the future is worse than both, the word " fun" was erased from the dictionary of my life, people I used to deal with every day were different.
the sympathy in their eyes was only a reminder of the close end of my life, eventually, that lead me to quit my job and many other activities I used to do, but mainly I lost the hope and the desire for tomorrow.
strange is the way life treats you, not far from yesterday I was full of life, strong, working hard, living my days like any normal human, and here I am, weak, hardly standing on my feet, struggling to finish my day.
until one day I came back from work tired, exhausted, dragging my feet behind myself barely walking trying to reach my rocking chair on the front porch of my house, where I usually sit down while taking off my muddy boot before entering the house, that day I didn't go inside , I just sat there, lit my smoking pipe and leaned back observing the beauty of the sunset, while disappearing into the darkness of the night.
A long lonely night was there waiting for me to spend my time between the walls of my house alone, no one to speak to, nor complain to, I wished if my family were around me in those moments, I have tasted loneliness for a long time, I did not wish to die alone, my family were gone a long time ago , my wife passed away several years ago , my daughter got married, and moved on with her life, she talks to me on the phone from time to time, my son moved out from my house to live his life far away from me, me and him we didn't get along much, I guess he wanted to be free from me, as much as he was moving around I couldn't keep up with him, I just hoped that he is safe and happy where ever he is, if he doesn't wish to see me that is his choice, I tried to do the best for him, there wasn't much more that I could do. I didn't even tell them about my sickness, there was no need to worry them since there was nothing they could do.
My health was going down very fast, like running downhill, I was running out of time, my options were limited, there was the option of surgery, quick and fast way to reach the end, and even less pain since the odds of successes were very low, then there was the option of becoming laboratory rat, both options were not any good for me , I chose the third one, which it was to live my life as long as possible, maybe by some miracle and some mercy from GOD there will be a cure for my sickness.
days and nights were becoming endless, slowly going by, carrying too much pain, above all that they were lonely like swimming in empty space, none of the medicine I was taking was helping, my eyes did not taste the sleep for many nights, God knows how many tears I shed in the dark, and how many days went by without anyone knocking on my door, there were moments I thought about ending my life, but then I thought what I did not give , it is not mine to take, my only comfort in those dark moments were memories from the past, when I was reaching the weakest point, when I was about to give up, the only thing was helping me to overcome my pain and my loneliness was sweet moments from the deep
the darkness of my past life, I would close my eyes and go back, way back to the last thing I could remember, rewinding the tape of my life, like I was living my life for the second time but this time I tried to enjoy all of it as long as possible.
Starting from my childhood when me and my cousin, we used to do all kinds of silly, and foolish things while we were still living in the village, we had no toys, no games to play with, except the one we made by our hand, using old cans, wires, old tires, anything that was possible to play with, it didn't matter, as long as we can have some fun, and enjoy our time, we were pushing tires for miles and rolling in it down hills screaming laughing, it was foolish but fun, lots of fun.
sneaking and stealing the fruits from the farm our old neighbor was the most fun, we would pick some of his fruit and start walking not far from him just to be noticed by him then he would be chasing us all around but with each one of us going in different direction it was impossible to catch us, pissing him off was great fun, but he was smart though later he brought a dog to guard his farm, we couldn't get near his farm again, every time we tried that dog chasing us and that old man would sit there laughing at us have great fun.
we used to swim in the river several times a day, we would go home at the end of the day dusty tired, as soon we lay our head on the pillow and close our eyes we would be in deep sleep, that was the great fun in our life,
I have realized most of the fun in the life is about a moment of craziness, regardless if you are rich, poor, young, old, it doesn't matter.
we used to wait by the road for the trucks to come by when passing by our village, then we would hang over the back door to enjoy the ride till the driver finds out about it, great fun we used to have in our childhood, I miss all that fun that we had back then, I remember one time while me and two of my friends were waiting by the road, and all sudden one of them said there is your father he is looking for you, you better run, he will beat you up, without giving a second thought I ran as fast as I could , my father was hauling at me, stop, come back don't run,but I didn't lesson..
boy, I run fast, and he starts chasing me all over the village till he caught me in the corner, there was no way to run to, I was stuck, I thought he would spank real bad for running away from him, but he was too kind to do that, he just reached his hand with the smile on his face while catching his breath, he said; Boy you are fast, come on lets go home, am tired, that was the first and the last time I ran away from him, I loved that old man , he was very kind, I can't remember if he ever hit me. in the contrary my mom was opposite of him, she never hesitated to spank us not to mention she had a heavy hand.
I remember one time, we were in the way going to our farm to taking lunch to my father, me and my older brother were riding a donkey we had, my brother was in the front and I was riding behind him facing backward, my mom said boy turn around and hold tight to your brother back, the donkey will jump over the creek, the creek was almost dry full of mud, I was hard headed, I said no, she said boy you better turn around and hold on tight, I didn't listen to her, the donkey jumped over the creek, and I fall into the mud pit, the only things that were not covered with mud was my eyes after I opened them, she left me there in the creek, that's what you deserve for not listening to me , she said.
I couldn't move, I was left there till my father came, pulled me out, he toke me to the river, washed the mud off me, then we swam in the river, he said,'' was it fun?
I said yes it was, good.
then he said; you know son life is like food has different taste, everything you will try to do in your life will give you a different feeling and that the joy of life.
was your mom angry?
I said; she was so angry I didn't dare to cry.
he started laughing, and I start laughing with him,
I miss my Father, he was a good man, he had a big heart.
Later on, the government forced us to abandon our village and move to the city.
city life was different than the life in the village in many ways, time was needed to get used to the city life, new people, new places, and many other things we had to learn to fit the new society.
with the continuation of the life, year after year we grow up, with us, grow up the great responsibility and the problems that come with it, living in a country like Iraq moving from war to another war, and living in a poverty left no places for fun in our life.
there was time our cities wall were covered with black color, women were no longer wearing mixed colors, the color of their dresses was only black or dark blue, that was the sign of their mourning and grieving on their loved one who were killed in the war, every day the city would bury some of its children under the ground, the sound of the music was no longer publicly heard .
luckily I was in the school at the time of the war, students were excused, they didn't have to serve in the army.
days of our life went by between attending the school in the winter time and working different jobs in the summer break helping our families.
from the primary school, through middle school all the way to the high school there was no special event in my life to talk about, until my third year in the high school, that year was very special to me, in that year my heart fall in love for the first time.
love relation or the relationship between the girls and boys were not acceptable in our society, that type of relation cause the life of many young lovers.
however there is no certain time nor certain place for our heart to fell in love, it is not a choice we make or a decision we take, it is our destiny, when we meet the person who will fit the puzzle of our life, that's when our heart will fell in love, regardless if that person is the right one or not.
in 1986 my heart falls in love.
chapter two
falling in love
1986"
my final year in the high school.
After long hot summer working hard farming, we were back to the school, as usual, I was there before everyone else, waiting by the main gate for my friends to come,usually we meet before the school start, to have little fun, and also to have the chance to talk about what each one of us did in the summer break since we didn't get the chance to meet during the summer break.
For the past two years I was the first one attending the school early in the morning, because I had to wake up early in the morning every day to work on the farm, became habit for me, perhaps that was one of the reasons I was there before everyone else, besides that going to the school early, was helping me to study more whenever I had an exam, the first two years were regular years nothing special happened, but the third year was holding a great surprise for me, something I did not expect, something beautiful, sweet, something does not happen twice in the lifetime, if it does happen again for sure it will not be the same.
In that very first day while I was waiting by the main gate leaning against the wall of the building waiting for my friends. a sound of a footsteps came to my ears coming out from behind the corner of the building, from the sound of the high heel shoes it was easy to tell a female was walking in, at first I did not pay much attention to it, but with the sound of her steps spreading in the silence of the morning and the smell of her perfume left me no choice, but to raise my head and look . though I tried not cause her any embarrassing or disturbing, but she was one of those girls if you look at her, no way you can close your eyes, if you steer you can't turn your head another way, I had to steer deep, like Iv seen nothing like it before, when I saw her I knew why my heart was acting strange, trembling like fish left out of the water, even come out from behind the corner of the building, as she came closer and closer, each smell of her mixed perfume were going separate way as she walked by, to become unresistible as she came closer and closer.
AHHH....hah
I raised my head to see what I never saw before, she was no ordinary girl, for few moments I was shocked, I stood there with my mouth wide open, I couldn't believe my eyes, I never thought there is such beauty on earth, I never seen such beautiful girl before that day nor after, from that day till this day as much as I wished to see her again over and over, every moment, as much as I wished if I hadn't seen her at all that day or if I hadn't gone to school that day, but as they say" what is written on the forehead, must be seen with the eye".
I fall in love from the first sight, from the moment she appeared before my eye, and even before that, my heart speeded up and start jumping here and there, for a moment I thought he will cut off my chest and jump out, by the time I realized what happened, he was already gone without even saying good-by, physically was still there beeping in my chest, but emotionally he was gone with her.
our destiny is prepared and forced upon us by a power that is greater than us, no matter how hard we try to avoid or run away from it, apparently is not possible.
she was my destiny, everything was arranged for us to meet that morning, the time, the place, I had to see her and fell in love with her, from the first sight I was no longer normal person, I couldn't take my eye off her again , my whole body froze like she spills some magic on me ,my eyes were following her as she was passing by.
the whole thing didn't less long, maybe five minutes, but to me, they were lifetime long, in those short moments I felt like the world around me went silent, only me and her existed, I couldn't see or hear none except her and her footsteps, I could feel none except love everywhere.
slowly she passed by me without saying a word except for one tiny smile showed up on her lips, like the smile of a baby innocent, gentle, kind, a smile that placed me in a different world, a world of romance.
however she probably was laughing at me not smiling for me, as I stood there like a fool not knowing what to do or what to say, I didn't know then, I saw what I wanted to see.
step after step the distance grow bigger till she became off-site, however, the distances were no longer issue between me and her, my heart followed her like a prison without any chain on.
there have been many years after that, yet I could not find a possible way to forget those short moments, even though I tried very hard to forget what happened, but it was not possible, like it was carved in my heart and my memory, part of me wanted to forget all about her to move on in my life, at the time the rest of me wished to be with her even if she is just a sweet memory in my heart and my thoughts.
every time I wished to recall that memory, all I had to do is I close my eyes and think about her, and what happened that day from the very first moment, I remember every detail of it, many time I tried to describe how I felt and what I saw in front of me in those moments, the words were failing me, however, this was the best description I could come up with .
She came out from behind the corner of the building spreading the light of her beauty all around, like the sun when it comes out from behind the mountain early in the morning spreading the gentle light wiping away the darkness of the night ,the smell of her perfume moved over my face smoothly as she was passing by, like the wind gently moving over a field of a grown wheat making waves without causing any harm, she turned around to take my heart as she was collecting the heart of those who she passes by to make their heart jump into her hunting net.
the rest of the story is coming
the last fight(Hakeem omer)
BY
HAKEEM OMER
chapter one
walking on the side of the river
finding the notebook
The fall was close to an end, yellow-brownish leaves were falling down from the trees, some were flying spinning with the wind while the others were falling to the ground, furnishing the ground with beautiful mixed colors, creating beautiful art, showing the beauty of the nature, and most of all showing the greatness of the artist, the mighty GOD.
I went out for a walk by the side of the river, as usual, seeking some peace of mind, which it was very difficult to find nowadays, at the time the world was going through too much chaos, too many turbulence shaking the world and disturbing the life of mankind, the most spoken word all over the media around the world, and among the people around us , were about war ,terror , killing and destroying .... none of those words were any good, and they all served the Devil somehow in some way.
The fear of what was going on and what was coming, was very obvious on the faces of the people that I saw every day, leaving them with troubled souls, who were desperate for some peace to live with. People were trying a different way to figure out how or where they can find peace, even if that peace would last for just a few moments, though many times a few moments of peace are all we need to clear our mind and make the right choices and decisions in our daily life.
Walking by the side of the river was the best place for me to feel the comfort of peace. Other people would come there too, some would be fishing, swimming, taking a nap under the shade of the trees, but after all, we were all looking for what was missing from our daily lives," peace ".
The weather was nice on that day, a little bit chilly, but with my coat on and my scarf around my neck, I was fine, walking on the side of the river was fun, I enjoyed every moment of it, fresh air mixed with the moisture from the river, the beautiful music played by the nature, the sound of the river, the whistling of the wind, the tweeting of the birds, frogs ,insects everyone was participating in the music played by the nature, natural orchestra, if I can call it that way, listening to all that took me to a different world, a world that exists only in my thoughts and my imagination, the world that does not exist in real life nowadays, and that was the best way for me to live a few short moments of peace and most of the time, the only way.
At the pace of an old man walking my way toward my usual spot and my favorite one, where I usually sit down on the edge of the river, I took my shoes, my sock off and laid my feet in the water, then I leaned back and watched the doves flying freely high in the sky flipping, playing, and having fun, as I myself enjoyed the warm gentle heat from the sunlight that was disappearing behind the clouds and came out again, I closed my eyes and fell asleep, though it was a short nap, but certainly it brought some comfort and relief to my old body, I did not wish to wake up, but something was rubbing against my leg causing an comfortable feeling, at first I thought they were the little fish biting my leg, which they used to do,however as many time I have been there and experienced the biting of the little fish I knew they were not the little fish, this time it felt different, I had to get up quickly to see what it was. It was strange what I saw in the water, It was a package wrapped very carefully with plastic, like it was meant to be in the water, or to be protected from the water, I pulled it out from the river to figure out what it was, but without opening the package, it was not possible to know.
Well .... I better leave it unopened and wait. Maybe whoever lost it will come back and look for it, I say talking to myself.
I waited by the river till the sunset, looking forward, to see someone coming after the package to claim it, but no one did, I had to leave my spot heading home before the night fell, I carried the package with me to keep it safe, maybe in the next day someone will come there looking for it. That package kept me awake most of the night, wondering about what was inside. I won't deny that I was very tempted to open it, but then I thought I should wait till the next day.
early in the morning, I went back to the same spot. Whoever I met in my way, I asked them if they had lost anything, but it was hopeless, I found none to claim the package which left me with no choice but to open it, in the hopes of finding a name or address that could lead me to the owner of that package.
With great care trying not to cause any damage, I unwrapped the plastic from around the package. to find out, the package contained a strange Item, a " notebook" ...
With no name, no address, nothing could tell me to whom this notebook belonged, I had to go further, digging, searching for any information that could lead me to the owner.
I opened the notebook and started flipping pages.
first page
blank
second page
There was a strange note written, as everything else about this package was.
The note;
if you have reached this far, that means you have already opened my notebook, whether you decide to read it or not, all I'm asking you, please, be kind and have some respect for my memories, when you are done reading it, put it back the way it was, and throw it into the river , allow my memories to reach as far as possible, allow the destiny to choose in the hands of whom my memories shall reach or how far the river will take it, to buried under the ground, as I soon will be buried under the ground.
Do not worry about finding me, or trying to know me , though I am only another simple man who came to this life, and lived his time, and left, leaving nothing behind except some memories, written inside a notebook, some sad, some happy, some wise, some fool, and most of it lonely, to be read by whoever will find it, and maybe no one will ever find it, I don't know..... . reading wise I don't know if they are worth reading or not, I will leave that up to you to decide.
By now he had all my attention, not many people care about writing their memories, not many people would like to share the secrets of their life with others.
like most people, I was nosey, curious to know the unknown, besides that, other than lessening to my wife complaining about everything and nothing, I had nothing else to do, I rather read the story of this mysterious man than lessoning to her all day long.
I started flipping page after page.
Third page
My name is "Jamal "
In 1997, I moved to the United States of America, searching for a new life in a new country that could provide a stable life and good future for my family, leaving behind the poor life and years of suffering from the unjust system of our country Iraq.
The course of the life in America went by very fast, being busy most of the time, moving from job to another struggling trying to fit the new society, and working hard trying to make a living, and taking care of the family, keeping up with the cost of living and saving money for the coming days was not an easy task, it takes years and years of hard working to do that, the years were flying by very fast, twenty-five years passed without looking back, to see what I have accomplished in my life, by the time I stopped and turned around to looked back, I found myself an old man covered with gray hear, running alone, chasing the shadows of the life, not realizing when or where I have lost those who were running with me, some of them went separate ways and others quit running, I was left alone facing my last fight before I reach the finish line, I fought many battles in my life, poverty, hunger, injustice, dictators, bullies, sickness, ignorance.
I tasted the winning and losing, but no matter how hard the hit was I never gave up, I always managed to stand up on my feet again, but this time my opponent was not an ordinary one, it was the lung cancer in its last stage, which already eliminated my days in this world before I even knew it, not only that, it was trying to make sure my last days would be very painful.
About four months ago I found out about it.
Chapter two
The lung cancer issue
5:00 Am
It was time to wake up to prepare myself for another day of hard working, as a normal routine of my life, same job, same people, same way of living for years, not much of a change , the only thing was different that day was me, the moment I tried to get out of my bed I knew something was wrong, because as far as I could remember from the first day I started working this job, this was the first time I did not wish to get out of my warm bed, my whole body was in pain, I felt like I woke up in a different body, weak, no energy, my throat was sour, itchy, followed by a slight cough.
I guess staying outside In a cold night was a bad idea, especially for an old man like me.
some of our habits could bring great harm to us great, however sitting on my rocking chair smoking my pipe while drinking a cup of my homemade coffee was something I would not trade for anything in the world, plus I've been doing it for many years, even on snowy days.
I loved the peace of the night, maybe because of the lonely feeling I used to have at night, I don't know , I don't even care to know, all I know, is that I enjoyed the peace of the night sitting on my rocking chair on the front porch of my house, but nothing comes free in this life, the price was, I got sick with flu, well... that's what I thought it was, maybe that is why I didn't make a big deal out of it, I just took some cough syrup, that was left from the last time I had a cold, and toke off heading to my job, believing it is just a slight cold, and it should go away within a few days, I should have stayed home resting in my warm bed, but I didn't, I guess my pride didn't allow me to give up that easy, well.. I never considered the flu a serious sickness, I don't remember when was the last time I stayed in bed for a slight cold , I didn't realize, that slight cold was the sign of a close end to my life, day after day I was less energy, less appetite to the food, my body was falling apart, above all I start coughing blood, I knew then, something was not right, as many times I had a cold in my life, this time was not like any of it , we all know, flue takes week or two , and it goes away, but this time it didn't go away, even though I tried different brands of cold medicines from over the counter, but none of it helped,
left me no choice but to go visit my good friend Dr. Keith. who was my Doctor for many years, and also happens to be one of my best friends.
in his office I and Dr. Keith talked and laughed for a while about the past and the crazy things we used to do, then he asked me'' what is going on my friend?
you don't look good, you are not planning to die anytime soon?''
I said ''no, not before I bury you'', ...then I told him about a cough I had recently and all the symptoms.
he checked my throat, my nose, my ear, then he listened to my heart beeping and my breathing with his stethoscope, and after a little pause, he asked me if was still smoking?
I said;'' yes I sure do''
he said;'' well, you should have quit, a long time ago, or at least tried to quit''
I asked him ''what is it?''
he said;'' I am not sure yet maybe it's just an infection, but let's do some tests and some X-rays, then we will go from there''.I sensed some worry in the tune of his voice and in his eyes, though he didn't say it.
but I've known him for a long time and I could tell when he's hiding something or lying.
he prescribed some cough medicine and some pills for pain, then he advised me to go home and rest for a few days until all your test result comes back from the LAB.
after doing all the tests and taking X-rays that he recommended for me, I went home to spend the rest of my day working in my yard, trying to stay busy, because laying in the bed thinking about my sickness or sitting on the couch watching TV, Nah ,, to me that was even worse than being sick.the next day I went back to work, till I received a call from Dr. Keith, couple days later, asking me to come back to his office, to discuss the tests results, he entered the office with a file in his hand, he sat the file on the table, and started walking back and forth holding his hands behind his back, quite, he had deep sadness covered his face, speechless, like someone lost the head of his speech, there were many words on his tongue but he didn't know from where to start.
I ask him'' what's up Doc? did the cat eat your tongue?
I believe you didn't ask me to come here to watch your ugly face walking back and forth''
''No.,'' replied Doctor Keith...
''Sorry my friend , I'm just going through emotional moments, as you know delivering news to a patient is not an easy task for us as doctors, in fact it is a very painful part of our job, especially when the patient is someone very close and dear to our heart, however it is our duty, to tell the truth to the patient, no matter how bad it could be, and there is no easy way to say it'' .
I said: '' doc. just say it, I don't think it will be any worse than what I have been through in my past life, and among all the people I have known, you know better than anyone else how painful my life was, and how many hardships I have been through in my life , so go ahead, say what you have to say I think I can handle any bad news , so spit out, say what you have to say and let me worry about the rest.
Well, the result of all your tests and the X-rays are negative, they show you are sick with lung cancer in the late stage, which means the odds are not in your favor, however, that does not mean it is the end of it, there is always treatments and there is the option of surgery, I have always advised you to quit smoking , I told you, smoking will kill you one day.
from the deep sadness, showing up on his face, I could tell, that he cared about me, and our friendship.
don't feel so bad my dear friend, soon or later we all are going to die one day regardless of the cause'' I said.
we sat there for a moment digesting this news until I asked the one question anyone asks upon finding out that they have a dangerous disease.
''how long do I have?'' I asked him.
He said ''well ... death and life is in the hand of GOD, we don't know how long nor where or when, all we can say, is just expectation and estimation according to the tests results and other facts, the rest is up to the one who gives life and takes it, my advice to you is, strength your faith in GOD and never lose hope in his mercy .
we will run more tests and diagnoses, and go from there''.
you did not answer my question, how long do
I Have? I asked him again.
Doctor Kieth, as you know lung cancer is a very serious illness, and the length depends on many other factors, in your case, and according to your tests, I would say maybe a year, more or less, and that is the opinion of other Doctors who are specialized in cases like yours, but again death and life are in the hand of GOD, we will do what we can, and leave the rest to the mercy of GOD''
he prescribed some medicine and gave me some information about some cancer treatment center, and places to seek help, as a good friend of mine he tried his best to comfort me, and help.
for several days after that I kept going back and forth doing all kind of tests, they all came up negative, my illness became a fact of a close end to my life, and a painful one, we all know death is a fact of our life , soon or later our life will have an end, the good thing about it is we don't know when or how it will be, maybe that is the reason we live a normal life till we reach the end of it , however it is a completely different feeling when we know in fact when we will die or even if we know we are close to it, knowing that is enough to Rowan your life, and kill any joy or happiness in your life.
I tried my best not to give up that easy, first thing I did, I stopped doing any further tests, went back to my job playing in the mud as my colleague was saying, pretending I was fine, nothing happened, the job was hard, but the pay was good, and above all that working for a grading company was great fun, you get to ride all kinds of heavy machines and play with the dirt, too bad all that fun, and happiness vanished, and disappeared with the appearing of lung cancer .
day after day my illness went from worse to worse like poison spreading in my body, too much pain to handle, especially in the night time, my whole body was falling apart, I started missing days from work, spent more time in bed.
Everything became meaningless around me, the world we live in became a small cage I wished to be free from it at any cost, I used to be eager to see tomorrow coming, I loved to see the sunlight coming out pushing the darkness of the night away revealing what the night was hiding, my eagerness to see tomorrow wasn't because I had great plans for my life, perhaps all my attention was to discover the future of mine, unfortunately, my future was holding nothing but pain, made me wish with the sunrise of every day that my life would come to an end with the end of the day.
I lived a lonely life in the past, and my present days were not much different, so definitely the future is worse than both, the word " fun" was erased from the dictionary of my life, people I used to deal with every day were different.
the sympathy in their eyes was only a reminder of the close end of my life, eventually, that lead me to quit my job and many other activities I used to do, but mainly I lost the hope and the desire for tomorrow.
strange is the way life treats you, not far from yesterday I was full of life, strong, working hard, living my days like any normal human, and here I am, weak, hardly standing on my feet, struggling to finish my day.
until one day I came back from work tired, exhausted, dragging my feet behind myself barely walking trying to reach my rocking chair on the front porch of my house, where I usually sit down while taking off my muddy boot before entering the house, that day I didn't go inside , I just sat there, lit my smoking pipe and leaned back observing the beauty of the sunset, while disappearing into the darkness of the night.
A long lonely night was there waiting for me to spend my time between the walls of my house alone, no one to speak to, nor complain to, I wished if my family were around me in those moments, I have tasted loneliness for a long time, I did not wish to die alone, my family were gone a long time ago , my wife passed away several years ago , my daughter got married, and moved on with her life, she talks to me on the phone from time to time, my son moved out from my house to live his life far away from me, me and him we didn't get along much, I guess he wanted to be free from me, as much as he was moving around I couldn't keep up with him, I just hoped that he is safe and happy where ever he is, if he doesn't wish to see me that is his choice, I tried to do the best for him, there wasn't much more that I could do. I didn't even tell them about my sickness, there was no need to worry them since there was nothing they could do.
My health was going down very fast, like running downhill, I was running out of time, my options were limited, there was the option of surgery, quick and fast way to reach the end, and even less pain since the odds of successes were very low, then there was the option of becoming laboratory rat, both options were not any good for me , I chose the third one, which it was to live my life as long as possible, maybe by some miracle and some mercy from GOD there will be a cure for my sickness.
days and nights were becoming endless, slowly going by, carrying too much pain, above all that they were lonely like swimming in empty space, none of the medicine I was taking was helping, my eyes did not taste the sleep for many nights, God knows how many tears I shed in the dark, and how many days went by without anyone knocking on my door, there were moments I thought about ending my life, but then I thought what I did not give , it is not mine to take, my only comfort in those dark moments were memories from the past, when I was reaching the weakest point, when I was about to give up, the only thing was helping me to overcome my pain and my loneliness was sweet moments from the deep
the darkness of my past life, I would close my eyes and go back, way back to the last thing I could remember, rewinding the tape of my life, like I was living my life for the second time but this time I tried to enjoy all of it as long as possible.
Starting from my childhood when me and my cousin, we used to do all kinds of silly, and foolish things while we were still living in the village, we had no toys, no games to play with, except the one we made by our hand, using old cans, wires, old tires, anything that was possible to play with, it didn't matter, as long as we can have some fun, and enjoy our time, we were pushing tires for miles and rolling in it down hills screaming laughing, it was foolish but fun, lots of fun.
sneaking and stealing the fruits from the farm our old neighbor was the most fun, we would pick some of his fruit and start walking not far from him just to be noticed by him then he would be chasing us all around but with each one of us going in different direction it was impossible to catch us, pissing him off was great fun, but he was smart though later he brought a dog to guard his farm, we couldn't get near his farm again, every time we tried that dog chasing us and that old man would sit there laughing at us have great fun.
we used to swim in the river several times a day, we would go home at the end of the day dusty tired, as soon we lay our head on the pillow and close our eyes we would be in deep sleep, that was the great fun in our life,
I have realized most of the fun in the life is about a moment of craziness, regardless if you are rich, poor, young, old, it doesn't matter.
we used to wait by the road for the trucks to come by when passing by our village, then we would hang over the back door to enjoy the ride till the driver finds out about it, great fun we used to have in our childhood, I miss all that fun that we had back then, I remember one time while me and two of my friends were waiting by the road, and all sudden one of them said there is your father he is looking for you, you better run, he will beat you up, without giving a second thought I ran as fast as I could , my father was hauling at me, stop, come back don't run,but I didn't lesson..
boy, I run fast, and he starts chasing me all over the village till he caught me in the corner, there was no way to run to, I was stuck, I thought he would spank real bad for running away from him, but he was too kind to do that, he just reached his hand with the smile on his face while catching his breath, he said; Boy you are fast, come on lets go home, am tired, that was the first and the last time I ran away from him, I loved that old man , he was very kind, I can't remember if he ever hit me. in the contrary my mom was opposite of him, she never hesitated to spank us not to mention she had a heavy hand.
I remember one time, we were in the way going to our farm to taking lunch to my father, me and my older brother were riding a donkey we had, my brother was in the front and I was riding behind him facing backward, my mom said boy turn around and hold tight to your brother back, the donkey will jump over the creek, the creek was almost dry full of mud, I was hard headed, I said no, she said boy you better turn around and hold on tight, I didn't listen to her, the donkey jumped over the creek, and I fall into the mud pit, the only things that were not covered with mud was my eyes after I opened them, she left me there in the creek, that's what you deserve for not listening to me , she said.
I couldn't move, I was left there till my father came, pulled me out, he toke me to the river, washed the mud off me, then we swam in the river, he said,'' was it fun?
I said yes it was, good.
then he said; you know son life is like food has different taste, everything you will try to do in your life will give you a different feeling and that the joy of life.
was your mom angry?
I said; she was so angry I didn't dare to cry.
he started laughing, and I start laughing with him,
I miss my Father, he was a good man, he had a big heart.
Later on, the government forced us to abandon our village and move to the city.
city life was different than the life in the village in many ways, time was needed to get used to the city life, new people, new places, and many other things we had to learn to fit the new society.
with the continuation of the life, year after year we grow up, with us, grow up the great responsibility and the problems that come with it, living in a country like Iraq moving from war to another war, and living in a poverty left no places for fun in our life.
there was time our cities wall were covered with black color, women were no longer wearing mixed colors, the color of their dresses was only black or dark blue, that was the sign of their mourning and grieving on their loved one who were killed in the war, every day the city would bury some of its children under the ground, the sound of the music was no longer publicly heard .
luckily I was in the school at the time of the war, students were excused, they didn't have to serve in the army.
days of our life went by between attending the school in the winter time and working different jobs in the summer break helping our families.
from the primary school, through middle school all the way to the high school there was no special event in my life to talk about, until my third year in the high school, that year was very special to me, in that year my heart fall in love for the first time.
love relation or the relationship between the girls and boys were not acceptable in our society, that type of relation cause the life of many young lovers.
however there is no certain time nor certain place for our heart to fell in love, it is not a choice we make or a decision we take, it is our destiny, when we meet the person who will fit the puzzle of our life, that's when our heart will fell in love, regardless if that person is the right one or not.
in 1986 my heart falls in love.
chapter two
falling in love
1986"
my final year in the high school.
After long hot summer working hard farming, we were back to the school, as usual, I was there before everyone else, waiting by the main gate for my friends to come,usually we meet before the school start, to have little fun, and also to have the chance to talk about what each one of us did in the summer break since we didn't get the chance to meet during the summer break.
For the past two years I was the first one attending the school early in the morning, because I had to wake up early in the morning every day to work on the farm, became habit for me, perhaps that was one of the reasons I was there before everyone else, besides that going to the school early, was helping me to study more whenever I had an exam, the first two years were regular years nothing special happened, but the third year was holding a great surprise for me, something I did not expect, something beautiful, sweet, something does not happen twice in the lifetime, if it does happen again for sure it will not be the same.
In that very first day while I was waiting by the main gate leaning against the wall of the building waiting for my friends. a sound of a footsteps came to my ears coming out from behind the corner of the building, from the sound of the high heel shoes it was easy to tell a female was walking in, at first I did not pay much attention to it, but with the sound of her steps spreading in the silence of the morning and the smell of her perfume left me no choice, but to raise my head and look . though I tried not cause her any embarrassing or disturbing, but she was one of those girls if you look at her, no way you can close your eyes, if you steer you can't turn your head another way, I had to steer deep, like Iv seen nothing like it before, when I saw her I knew why my heart was acting strange, trembling like fish left out of the water, even come out from behind the corner of the building, as she came closer and closer, each smell of her mixed perfume were going separate way as she walked by, to become unresistible as she came closer and closer.
AHHH....hah
I raised my head to see what I never saw before, she was no ordinary girl, for few moments I was shocked, I stood there with my mouth wide open, I couldn't believe my eyes, I never thought there is such beauty on earth, I never seen such beautiful girl before that day nor after, from that day till this day as much as I wished to see her again over and over, every moment, as much as I wished if I hadn't seen her at all that day or if I hadn't gone to school that day, but as they say" what is written on the forehead, must be seen with the eye".
I fall in love from the first sight, from the moment she appeared before my eye, and even before that, my heart speeded up and start jumping here and there, for a moment I thought he will cut off my chest and jump out, by the time I realized what happened, he was already gone without even saying good-by, physically was still there beeping in my chest, but emotionally he was gone with her.
our destiny is prepared and forced upon us by a power that is greater than us, no matter how hard we try to avoid or run away from it, apparently is not possible.
she was my destiny, everything was arranged for us to meet that morning, the time, the place, I had to see her and fell in love with her, from the first sight I was no longer normal person, I couldn't take my eye off her again , my whole body froze like she spills some magic on me ,my eyes were following her as she was passing by.
the whole thing didn't less long, maybe five minutes, but to me, they were lifetime long, in those short moments I felt like the world around me went silent, only me and her existed, I couldn't see or hear none except her and her footsteps, I could feel none except love everywhere.
slowly she passed by me without saying a word except for one tiny smile showed up on her lips, like the smile of a baby innocent, gentle, kind, a smile that placed me in a different world, a world of romance.
however she probably was laughing at me not smiling for me, as I stood there like a fool not knowing what to do or what to say, I didn't know then, I saw what I wanted to see.
step after step the distance grow bigger till she became off-site, however, the distances were no longer issue between me and her, my heart followed her like a prison without any chain on.
there have been many years after that, yet I could not find a possible way to forget those short moments, even though I tried very hard to forget what happened, but it was not possible, like it was carved in my heart and my memory, part of me wanted to forget all about her to move on in my life, at the time the rest of me wished to be with her even if she is just a sweet memory in my heart and my thoughts.
every time I wished to recall that memory, all I had to do is I close my eyes and think about her, and what happened that day from the very first moment, I remember every detail of it, many time I tried to describe how I felt and what I saw in front of me in those moments, the words were failing me, however, this was the best description I could come up with .
She came out from behind the corner of the building spreading the light of her beauty all around, like the sun when it comes out from behind the mountain early in the morning spreading the gentle light wiping away the darkness of the night ,the smell of her perfume moved over my face smoothly as she was passing by, like the wind gently moving over a field of a grown wheat making waves without causing any harm, she turned around to take my heart as she was collecting the heart of those who she passes by to make their heart jump into her hunting net.
the rest of the story is coming
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