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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Inspirational
- Subject: Philosophy/Religion/Spirituality
- Published: 09/01/2017
My world, My mind, My..........
Born 1976, F, from Romford Essex, United KingdomConfusion, control, bipolar, depression, loss of one’s self, longing for more, a waiting game.
‘A waiting game’ that’s the feeling I experience every day. I have used this expression a lot in my life!
For as long as I can remember. Always knowing that there is more…. Not sure what? But just knowing deep down that this isn’t it!
Over the years of my life I’ve never felt ‘happy’ or ‘satisfied’ always longing to go back to ‘being myself’. But who am I? I’ve ‘waited’ all my life for myself to appear again.
But looking back and analysing my life ‘who am I waiting to be?’ Because I’ve always felt like this. Its only recently dawned on me that I’ve always felt this way so who am I waiting to go back to being?
I’ve suffered lots of sadness in my past marriage and childhood. Which I’ve always accepted some part of blame for. Being paranoid about myself and my actions trying to be ‘the person that I used to be’ but now, when I really think about it, I really do not know who this person was?
I’m now ready to celebrate my 40th birthday. I am in a stable relationship with my very supportive and loving partner who knew me in my teens. I’m always saying to him ‘I just want to be who I used to be’ referring to my teenage years where I was confident and happy. But when I look back I had the same feelings then so I wasn’t really confident and happy, what teenager is? But even then I was waiting to become the person who I used to be?
Who is this person who I seem to really know? Who I feel like I was? Who I want to get back to being?
In my mind it was who I used to be. But when I analyse my life I cannot pin point when I actually was this person?
My life has had many ups and downs like everyone. Although up until now I did think my traumas were unique to me!
I think over the last few days, weeks, months and maybe even years I have been experiencing some kind of ‘awakening’.
I have been ‘searching’ for answers. But I don’t really know what questions I am asking?
I’ve been hoping for a ‘miracle’ I suppose. Something to happen that will make everything make sense.
I believed that somewhere, someone would have the answers to all life’s questions.
I have just come to realise we are all in the same boat, asking the same questions, just some people have researched more than others.
Ancient Aliens! - My recent obsession. The History channel’s late night series. Presented by many different intelligent people. Authors who have researched and written books. These people know their stuff!
I became envious that they are making a living out of their obsessional interests. I wish I could too!
I’d love to travel and study and learn from the Ancient civilisations. The proof they present is unquestionable. Caves discovered in India. Beautiful temples and hundreds, if not thousands of Buddha carved out of the mountain cave rocks. You have to see it to realise how impossible this is!
As a Catholic Christian, I am aware that my questioning about my origin is quite opposing to my religion but I believe that as a religion we are only taught what the powers that be want us to know in metaphoric terms or in a way that is easy for us ‘primitives’ to understand the actual moral to the ‘law’ to keep order. To keep us being good people. And I completely understand that. And I do not blame them. They are trying to keep it simple. But this religion was taught hundreds to thousands of years ago. People then were not as intelligent as we are today and yes to create stories to teach morals and religion for those people to understand is right. But we have moved forward in science, in spirituality and in intelligence therefore we are bound to start asking questions.
We want to know the ‘real’ stories. The complex stories. The stories that will perhaps blow our minds!
Over the last few years as I said I have been ‘searching for answers’. Although I don’t know what the questions are that I want answers to!
I am a lover of books but lack of space has pushed me to use my Kindle tablet. I lay in bed most nights looking up books to listen to. To find these answers. I have untold audiobooks downloaded over the last few years and I can honestly say I haven’t finished listening to any one of them!
I get excited, I start listening hoping for the answer to miraculously appear but it never does. I get bored and search the audible book store for another book, there must be one that will know! One audiobook that will reach out to me! The angels will guide me to this book! I look at the pictures of the covers, the titles, the reviews and I wait. I wait for the angels to tell me, to guide me to the ‘one’. And there it is the ‘one’ that I have that gut instinct about, this is it, this is the one!
I download it, get myself comfy and start listening, every time I fall asleep, I wake up in the middle of the night to find that chapters have gone by, did I miss the answers? I rewind I start listening again but no there’s always a big build up but ends in nothing, well nothing that other books or programmes havent said before! I push the stop button and start the process over again searching the internet audiobook store. And this repeats at numerous bedtimes during each week.
It’s becoming overwhelming the information I am suddenly receiving. It’s becoming all mixed up in my brain. I try to explain things to my partner, I try to get him to watch programmes and YouTube videos, I even read one of my books out loud to him to try and make him see and understand what I am actually learning at the moment!
But I have just realised that you cannot force this information on to someone. They have to be at an ‘awakening’ state to receive the messages. To actually comprehend what is being conveyed. It’s not just one programme, one book, one song, it’s a combination of questions and answers and messages through everyday life over perhaps weeks, months or even years.
I’ve come to realise that my experiences over the years of my life have all been to lead and prepare me to what I am being awakening to now.
But as I said my brain is all mixed up, there’s too many views, too many theories. That’s why I’ve decided to write this down. I’m hoping that if I can get all that I have absorbed in my brain down in some sort of written order then maybe, just maybe the answers will come because I know they are in there I just need to organise my thoughts.
Every time I become of obsessed with a subject I expect some answer. Recently my thoughts have been, Ancient Aliens, Illuminati and the New World Order, my own religion Catholicism, the universe and Stephen Hawkins theory of everything.
Forgive me if I have missed something but I cannot understand why Science has to be separate from Religion? I have only briefly watched, listened to introductions of each as I said I fall asleep or realise they are all saying the same thing and my answer doesn’t present itself early enough for me. But as I understand it in simple terms Stephen Hawkins (who is a completely brilliant man!) has proven in his mind that there is no need for a creator ‘God’ for the Universe to exist. It started with one singularity which the ‘big bang’ came from and created the universe and everything in it. My question is …Who created that singularity? Is it not possible that God created Science? I believe Stephen Hawkins said that whether there is a God or not he wasn’t needed to create the universe as it created itself (or words to that effect).
‘God’ every religion has their own perception of God or Gods. But from my knowledge across the world from ancient times this ‘God or Gods’ all possess the same powers, have the same stories, and always relate to the stars, sun and universe. Energy, light, communication and power are always present when religion talks about ‘God or Gods’ are these not properties of science too?
Science works against religion but I believe science is religion, it’s a part of it! God or the powers that be created using science. Why is this not possible? Why cannot it not be that God was a creator of everything including science, God needed science to create us! Why can’t science and religion work together? That makes much more sense to me. God creates miracles. Not out of nothing. He creates miracles by creating energies and all that is needed to create the universe and life.
What is it that opposes religion and science working together? It seems obvious to me. God creates us to reproduce. It is a miracle and it is science! There is logic to it! There is a means to it! But God created that.
I need to read the book of revelations in the bible but from the little bit I do know I believe the world has already started to experience its prophecy. I watch the news with Whales being washed up on shore, I see wars and evil happening to innocent people it’s happening and God said it would, but there is a lot more to it. The bible was written hundreds of years ago and was said to try to explain to less intelligent people.
Manifesting! What you put out comes back! They put it out to us through education, media and alike and of course it comes back! That’s how they gain our trust and controlling of us.
But there is a lot more to it! Energy is the word I use a lot. Everything is made up of energy. Different vibrations cause that energy to present itself at different states. I believe our world is an illusion just energy in different states.
We are all made up of energy. But so is a table!
Our bodies are matter, a state of energy. Everything we see and touch is energy in different states.
But there is a new discovery. Scientists have also started to admit there is another form that has an effect on energy and that is ‘Consciousness’ you can call it the ‘soul’ the ‘spirit’ or just your ‘conscious’ but this has an effect on energy this is energy! A powerful energy!
It is I believe a type of energy. Consciousness is the light, the breath, the real being of all of us.
It is us! It’s our thoughts, our feelings, emotions. These are all created through what we feel through our bodies such as physical pain but there are also feelings created through consciousness to the awareness of what’s going on around us. So forget what’s going on in the physical world where is our consciousness at?? Imagine we slept forever would we then not exist? Of cause we would, we are ourselves we are our consciousness not our bodies.
I was disappointed to learn that perhaps watching ‘Ancient Aliens’ on H2 was trying to knock me off my path. To that what I mean is I recently learnt that the world leaders use the media to control us all and they put out there what they want us to know to keep us of the scent of the real path. What I learned actually made a lot of sense to me but also disappointed me cos I really enjoyed watching ancient aliens but now feel a bit of a naive woman!
Illuminati and the New World order
I actually really believe in this!
I’m either really vulnerable to the governments brainwashing using media or can be made aware of it through this NOW stuff!
Since researching what it is thought to be how the government is brainwashing us through the media, I have been really deflated because it seems that what I was really enjoying and believing on the telly could now actually be a brainwashing scheme.
But I can’t help think they are right! Everything is just now too much of a coincidence! The signs the colours, the success of certain individuals! It’s actually incredible once you have been shown the subliminal messages that are being sent out there through celebrities’ adverts, all sorts of media. Now I am aware of them I see them all the time. Am I being paranoid? or have I just been ‘awakend’ to the mind control of the government? Who by the way are all related and really couldn’t give two monkies about us the people! They have a completely different agenda because they have the ‘answers’! The answers we are all looking for! The answers they are hiding so well! Or so they think?
They know what is really going on and its up to us to be confident to question and research and not just accept what we have been taught since our birth! We might never find the ‘answers’ but at least we can ‘question’ the fraudulent history we have been fed with, and stop being mind controlled individuals
Lets face it we all feel like we don’t fit into society. Why do you think that is? Because you are different?
No its because society isn’t natural! You think its just you? Now we are being offered counselling, CBT sessions, diagnosed with mental illnesses, lets be sensitive and understanding to people with mental illnesses! That’s all of us! That’s another mind control making you believe your feelings are not ‘normal’ you must be ‘depressed’ you need CBT you need medication!
No you don’t you need to be yourself! You need to not be labelled ‘different’ because you feel in a muddle. They have put the pressures on us be it money, lifestyles, body images and much more!!
Do not think I am saying to stop any treatment you may be on through healthcare etc I’m not! Doctors and professionals do know their stuff and please continue with their suppot.
I myself have been prescribed helpful medication for depression for life’s ups and downs. What I’m saying is that we need that support but only because of the unnecessary and unnatural pressures that have been put upon us by the people in control!
Quietly open your back door, window or wherever you can see the world above before you go to bed, look up at the dark sky, listen to the silence. Look at the nothingness but the everything! Start again from this moment on! The world belongs to us and we belong to the world. We are everything and nothing! Live from within.
With love and best wishes, speak again soon, keep smiling and you will be amazed at how many smiles you get back! They are contagious! And very therapeutic!
My world, My mind, My..........(Joanne Maria Horlock)
Confusion, control, bipolar, depression, loss of one’s self, longing for more, a waiting game.
‘A waiting game’ that’s the feeling I experience every day. I have used this expression a lot in my life!
For as long as I can remember. Always knowing that there is more…. Not sure what? But just knowing deep down that this isn’t it!
Over the years of my life I’ve never felt ‘happy’ or ‘satisfied’ always longing to go back to ‘being myself’. But who am I? I’ve ‘waited’ all my life for myself to appear again.
But looking back and analysing my life ‘who am I waiting to be?’ Because I’ve always felt like this. Its only recently dawned on me that I’ve always felt this way so who am I waiting to go back to being?
I’ve suffered lots of sadness in my past marriage and childhood. Which I’ve always accepted some part of blame for. Being paranoid about myself and my actions trying to be ‘the person that I used to be’ but now, when I really think about it, I really do not know who this person was?
I’m now ready to celebrate my 40th birthday. I am in a stable relationship with my very supportive and loving partner who knew me in my teens. I’m always saying to him ‘I just want to be who I used to be’ referring to my teenage years where I was confident and happy. But when I look back I had the same feelings then so I wasn’t really confident and happy, what teenager is? But even then I was waiting to become the person who I used to be?
Who is this person who I seem to really know? Who I feel like I was? Who I want to get back to being?
In my mind it was who I used to be. But when I analyse my life I cannot pin point when I actually was this person?
My life has had many ups and downs like everyone. Although up until now I did think my traumas were unique to me!
I think over the last few days, weeks, months and maybe even years I have been experiencing some kind of ‘awakening’.
I have been ‘searching’ for answers. But I don’t really know what questions I am asking?
I’ve been hoping for a ‘miracle’ I suppose. Something to happen that will make everything make sense.
I believed that somewhere, someone would have the answers to all life’s questions.
I have just come to realise we are all in the same boat, asking the same questions, just some people have researched more than others.
Ancient Aliens! - My recent obsession. The History channel’s late night series. Presented by many different intelligent people. Authors who have researched and written books. These people know their stuff!
I became envious that they are making a living out of their obsessional interests. I wish I could too!
I’d love to travel and study and learn from the Ancient civilisations. The proof they present is unquestionable. Caves discovered in India. Beautiful temples and hundreds, if not thousands of Buddha carved out of the mountain cave rocks. You have to see it to realise how impossible this is!
As a Catholic Christian, I am aware that my questioning about my origin is quite opposing to my religion but I believe that as a religion we are only taught what the powers that be want us to know in metaphoric terms or in a way that is easy for us ‘primitives’ to understand the actual moral to the ‘law’ to keep order. To keep us being good people. And I completely understand that. And I do not blame them. They are trying to keep it simple. But this religion was taught hundreds to thousands of years ago. People then were not as intelligent as we are today and yes to create stories to teach morals and religion for those people to understand is right. But we have moved forward in science, in spirituality and in intelligence therefore we are bound to start asking questions.
We want to know the ‘real’ stories. The complex stories. The stories that will perhaps blow our minds!
Over the last few years as I said I have been ‘searching for answers’. Although I don’t know what the questions are that I want answers to!
I am a lover of books but lack of space has pushed me to use my Kindle tablet. I lay in bed most nights looking up books to listen to. To find these answers. I have untold audiobooks downloaded over the last few years and I can honestly say I haven’t finished listening to any one of them!
I get excited, I start listening hoping for the answer to miraculously appear but it never does. I get bored and search the audible book store for another book, there must be one that will know! One audiobook that will reach out to me! The angels will guide me to this book! I look at the pictures of the covers, the titles, the reviews and I wait. I wait for the angels to tell me, to guide me to the ‘one’. And there it is the ‘one’ that I have that gut instinct about, this is it, this is the one!
I download it, get myself comfy and start listening, every time I fall asleep, I wake up in the middle of the night to find that chapters have gone by, did I miss the answers? I rewind I start listening again but no there’s always a big build up but ends in nothing, well nothing that other books or programmes havent said before! I push the stop button and start the process over again searching the internet audiobook store. And this repeats at numerous bedtimes during each week.
It’s becoming overwhelming the information I am suddenly receiving. It’s becoming all mixed up in my brain. I try to explain things to my partner, I try to get him to watch programmes and YouTube videos, I even read one of my books out loud to him to try and make him see and understand what I am actually learning at the moment!
But I have just realised that you cannot force this information on to someone. They have to be at an ‘awakening’ state to receive the messages. To actually comprehend what is being conveyed. It’s not just one programme, one book, one song, it’s a combination of questions and answers and messages through everyday life over perhaps weeks, months or even years.
I’ve come to realise that my experiences over the years of my life have all been to lead and prepare me to what I am being awakening to now.
But as I said my brain is all mixed up, there’s too many views, too many theories. That’s why I’ve decided to write this down. I’m hoping that if I can get all that I have absorbed in my brain down in some sort of written order then maybe, just maybe the answers will come because I know they are in there I just need to organise my thoughts.
Every time I become of obsessed with a subject I expect some answer. Recently my thoughts have been, Ancient Aliens, Illuminati and the New World Order, my own religion Catholicism, the universe and Stephen Hawkins theory of everything.
Forgive me if I have missed something but I cannot understand why Science has to be separate from Religion? I have only briefly watched, listened to introductions of each as I said I fall asleep or realise they are all saying the same thing and my answer doesn’t present itself early enough for me. But as I understand it in simple terms Stephen Hawkins (who is a completely brilliant man!) has proven in his mind that there is no need for a creator ‘God’ for the Universe to exist. It started with one singularity which the ‘big bang’ came from and created the universe and everything in it. My question is …Who created that singularity? Is it not possible that God created Science? I believe Stephen Hawkins said that whether there is a God or not he wasn’t needed to create the universe as it created itself (or words to that effect).
‘God’ every religion has their own perception of God or Gods. But from my knowledge across the world from ancient times this ‘God or Gods’ all possess the same powers, have the same stories, and always relate to the stars, sun and universe. Energy, light, communication and power are always present when religion talks about ‘God or Gods’ are these not properties of science too?
Science works against religion but I believe science is religion, it’s a part of it! God or the powers that be created using science. Why is this not possible? Why cannot it not be that God was a creator of everything including science, God needed science to create us! Why can’t science and religion work together? That makes much more sense to me. God creates miracles. Not out of nothing. He creates miracles by creating energies and all that is needed to create the universe and life.
What is it that opposes religion and science working together? It seems obvious to me. God creates us to reproduce. It is a miracle and it is science! There is logic to it! There is a means to it! But God created that.
I need to read the book of revelations in the bible but from the little bit I do know I believe the world has already started to experience its prophecy. I watch the news with Whales being washed up on shore, I see wars and evil happening to innocent people it’s happening and God said it would, but there is a lot more to it. The bible was written hundreds of years ago and was said to try to explain to less intelligent people.
Manifesting! What you put out comes back! They put it out to us through education, media and alike and of course it comes back! That’s how they gain our trust and controlling of us.
But there is a lot more to it! Energy is the word I use a lot. Everything is made up of energy. Different vibrations cause that energy to present itself at different states. I believe our world is an illusion just energy in different states.
We are all made up of energy. But so is a table!
Our bodies are matter, a state of energy. Everything we see and touch is energy in different states.
But there is a new discovery. Scientists have also started to admit there is another form that has an effect on energy and that is ‘Consciousness’ you can call it the ‘soul’ the ‘spirit’ or just your ‘conscious’ but this has an effect on energy this is energy! A powerful energy!
It is I believe a type of energy. Consciousness is the light, the breath, the real being of all of us.
It is us! It’s our thoughts, our feelings, emotions. These are all created through what we feel through our bodies such as physical pain but there are also feelings created through consciousness to the awareness of what’s going on around us. So forget what’s going on in the physical world where is our consciousness at?? Imagine we slept forever would we then not exist? Of cause we would, we are ourselves we are our consciousness not our bodies.
I was disappointed to learn that perhaps watching ‘Ancient Aliens’ on H2 was trying to knock me off my path. To that what I mean is I recently learnt that the world leaders use the media to control us all and they put out there what they want us to know to keep us of the scent of the real path. What I learned actually made a lot of sense to me but also disappointed me cos I really enjoyed watching ancient aliens but now feel a bit of a naive woman!
Illuminati and the New World order
I actually really believe in this!
I’m either really vulnerable to the governments brainwashing using media or can be made aware of it through this NOW stuff!
Since researching what it is thought to be how the government is brainwashing us through the media, I have been really deflated because it seems that what I was really enjoying and believing on the telly could now actually be a brainwashing scheme.
But I can’t help think they are right! Everything is just now too much of a coincidence! The signs the colours, the success of certain individuals! It’s actually incredible once you have been shown the subliminal messages that are being sent out there through celebrities’ adverts, all sorts of media. Now I am aware of them I see them all the time. Am I being paranoid? or have I just been ‘awakend’ to the mind control of the government? Who by the way are all related and really couldn’t give two monkies about us the people! They have a completely different agenda because they have the ‘answers’! The answers we are all looking for! The answers they are hiding so well! Or so they think?
They know what is really going on and its up to us to be confident to question and research and not just accept what we have been taught since our birth! We might never find the ‘answers’ but at least we can ‘question’ the fraudulent history we have been fed with, and stop being mind controlled individuals
Lets face it we all feel like we don’t fit into society. Why do you think that is? Because you are different?
No its because society isn’t natural! You think its just you? Now we are being offered counselling, CBT sessions, diagnosed with mental illnesses, lets be sensitive and understanding to people with mental illnesses! That’s all of us! That’s another mind control making you believe your feelings are not ‘normal’ you must be ‘depressed’ you need CBT you need medication!
No you don’t you need to be yourself! You need to not be labelled ‘different’ because you feel in a muddle. They have put the pressures on us be it money, lifestyles, body images and much more!!
Do not think I am saying to stop any treatment you may be on through healthcare etc I’m not! Doctors and professionals do know their stuff and please continue with their suppot.
I myself have been prescribed helpful medication for depression for life’s ups and downs. What I’m saying is that we need that support but only because of the unnecessary and unnatural pressures that have been put upon us by the people in control!
Quietly open your back door, window or wherever you can see the world above before you go to bed, look up at the dark sky, listen to the silence. Look at the nothingness but the everything! Start again from this moment on! The world belongs to us and we belong to the world. We are everything and nothing! Live from within.
With love and best wishes, speak again soon, keep smiling and you will be amazed at how many smiles you get back! They are contagious! And very therapeutic!
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