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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Inspirational
- Subject: Aging / Maturity
- Published: 03/31/2015
When death is not far away.
Born 1951, M, from Wilmington NC, United StatesThere is a famous Bible Quote – often “miss applied” to the life span: “No one knows the hour, nor the day…not even the Angels…” (Which you can find in both Mark-13, and Mathew-24) I think, from my Old Catholic School Days, it applies to the Second Coming. But, in a very real way, it applies to our lives- actually the moment of our death: “Nobody knows the exact hour, nor the day…this will happen.”
Oh, sure, most of us know we are going to die, but, like our moment of birth, it is very rarely in the forefront of our thoughts. As you get older, the idea of mortality does become a topic of conversation- especially your own mortality. Unfortunately, some children, young men, and young women, either through disease, or war, or accident- have to face death far too early. For most of us though, the End…is very near the actual End of our Lives- well into our 60’s, 70’s, 80’s or even 90’s.
So why did I bring this up? Well, I had a long talk with a guy the other day at lunch. He told me about his friend who had some kind of rare disease. He thought it was cancer of the heart, but he wasn’t sure – what he was sure of was this: his friend was told that death would be: sudden, quick, and soon. There would be no warning, the only symptom being- death. Now, I knew a guy with some kind of thin wall in his carotid artery, that could burst at any time- he lived under that death sentence for several years. Until, just like they said- it burst, and he was gone. They couldn’t even test for it back then, because the test would make it burst right during the exam.
He walked around in fear all the time. Never knowing if this moment was his last moment. None of us do- but for him, it was something he had to think about.
So when this guy was telling me about his friend’s situation, I had at least an inkling of what it must be like. His friend was told never to drive, fly, swim, ride a bike, and if he went walking, he might die in the middle of a cross walk. He was not allowed to pick up his grand kids, because he might fall over dead, with the baby in his arms- and injure them when he fell. He told me that his friend lived like that for a few days…and then said: “Oh, this is bull crap. I won’t drive, because I might kill someone else if I die, but everything else, I am just going to do like I always do. Who cares if I die in a pool? I won’t drown, I will be dead. I will sit down when I play with my grand kids, if I topple over, they can just climb off the couch. I am not going to worry. I will go for my walks, I shall dance with my wife, and I will work on my projects. I am not going to become a walking dead man. As long as I am alive, I shall live.”
Now, we get to the part I found fascinating, and worth really thinking about: transformation.
This guy told me that once his friend faced up to the fear of imminent death- he totally transformed himself. It was almost “Scrooge like” – he said. Not in a major way, he was always a good guy, but in subtle little ways that you noticed only if you were around him a lot. I asked: “Like what?”
“Well, for one thing, he rejoiced in whatever he was doing at the moment. He no longer could be distracted. If he was on the floor playing with the grand kids, that is where his full attention, his presence, and his focus was. If he danced with his wife, he was truly fully there…she said it was remarkable to be kissed by him, or to dance with him, because he was all there- in the moment. No hurry, no rush, no thoughts about anything but the kiss, or the dance, or the hug. She said that from a few days after the Doctor told him what was in his future- until he actually died, he gave the World’s greatest hugs. If he was speaking with you, it was intense, but not forced. Like only you and him were the only two people on earth, and he had all the time in the world for you. Talking to him, was like a salad bar for the soul, healthy, nurturing, and you want to go back. He made no plans for tomorrow. None.
If you called him , and something came up, and you told him to call you later – he would laugh and say: “Nope. Tell me what you want to say to me now. If you call tomorrow, I may, or may not be here.” If you did have to cut it short, he would simply say: ‘Remember, I love you, I gave you my time.” And he meant it. He gave you his time. It used to piss me off, until he died. He gave me his time, all of it, when he was with me, and I only gave him part of mine.”
At this point in our conversation, he had to pause for a bit, and wipe his eyes. He got that far away look in his eyes, that look that forgets anyone is nearby, or even around. The one people get when they have a vivid memory, a sudden insight, or a thought that they can’t wrap their head around. Then he came back to the present and told me more about his friends transformation.
His friend only did what he wanted to. He didn’t try to be polite, or politically correct, or do it for the other person…it was the most liberating kind of selfishness – said his friend. He would simply say: “No.” No explanations, no excuses- no regrets. If both you and him wanted to do it, or be together for lunch, or a walk, he went. If you wanted to go to a movie and wanted him along…and he didn’t want to go- he did not go. Not with any hint of malice, or anger, or rejection… he simply wanted to use every moment of his life, to live it his way. Even with his wife, he only went when they both loved whatever they were going to do- like dancing. He loved to dance. With her. He no longer shared his dancing prowess with the other ladies, which caused some problems with both his wife, and all his other dance partners. Like I said earlier, if he was with you…he was WITH you!
Oh, and music. He would listen to all kinds of music. But when he was quiet, it was always classical, or piano instrumental music. One time, I was visiting, and we were sitting outside his garage…he had some music on with his eyes closed. I said: “Hello!” He didn’t even open his eyes, just waved me to the other chair and stayed in the music. When the music ended about 12 minutes later- he looked over to me:
“Thank you for your silence. It was nice to have someone to share the music with. I now know why, in the olden days, people would cry listening to good music. They let their minds fill with only the music, and were free to go where it took them.” He smiled at me, and we chatted. I thought about that later…he gave the music the same kind of attention that he gave us, there at the end of his life. Every bit of his being was listening without distraction. That, I think, was the biggest transformation… he had no distractions in each moment of his life …there at the end. I admired that.
“How did he die?”
“Oh, just like they said he would. He was reaching for sugar, his wife said, and just…stopped. No time to say anything, or cry out. He just stopped. He got almost four months, and the Doc’s thought he might only live a week… so, he lived long enough to show us how to live.”
We parted ways, and I went for a long walk. Thinking. What must the pressure be like to know you could drop at any time? What is it like to have your car, your plane, your travel plans, even picking up your kids, become things you have to let go of? Yet he found a way to live in the moment, every moment. He wasn’t irresponsible, he didn’t drive, where he would put others at risk, but he swam, went swinging on swing sets, climbed ladders, and went dancing with his wife.
We are all him. We just don’t believe it…we think we have time …he did not think that. So, he put all of himself in even the littlest ordinary every day activity. His friend said he never saw anyone enjoy the taste of food, the sound of music, or get lost looking at a flower more than that guy. “It was almost childlike, to see him look at the clouds, or watch ants, or admire his latest project.” Almost child like. I think there is a kernel of real truth in that.
I am not sure I could transform like this man did. I do know that I don’t know how long I have to live. But I am not under pressure of a real time limit. Not sure I could respond like he did to the crushing ever present presence of death, and knowing it would be sudden. Yet, I learned some things from this. Did you?
When death is not far away.(Kevin Hughes)
There is a famous Bible Quote – often “miss applied” to the life span: “No one knows the hour, nor the day…not even the Angels…” (Which you can find in both Mark-13, and Mathew-24) I think, from my Old Catholic School Days, it applies to the Second Coming. But, in a very real way, it applies to our lives- actually the moment of our death: “Nobody knows the exact hour, nor the day…this will happen.”
Oh, sure, most of us know we are going to die, but, like our moment of birth, it is very rarely in the forefront of our thoughts. As you get older, the idea of mortality does become a topic of conversation- especially your own mortality. Unfortunately, some children, young men, and young women, either through disease, or war, or accident- have to face death far too early. For most of us though, the End…is very near the actual End of our Lives- well into our 60’s, 70’s, 80’s or even 90’s.
So why did I bring this up? Well, I had a long talk with a guy the other day at lunch. He told me about his friend who had some kind of rare disease. He thought it was cancer of the heart, but he wasn’t sure – what he was sure of was this: his friend was told that death would be: sudden, quick, and soon. There would be no warning, the only symptom being- death. Now, I knew a guy with some kind of thin wall in his carotid artery, that could burst at any time- he lived under that death sentence for several years. Until, just like they said- it burst, and he was gone. They couldn’t even test for it back then, because the test would make it burst right during the exam.
He walked around in fear all the time. Never knowing if this moment was his last moment. None of us do- but for him, it was something he had to think about.
So when this guy was telling me about his friend’s situation, I had at least an inkling of what it must be like. His friend was told never to drive, fly, swim, ride a bike, and if he went walking, he might die in the middle of a cross walk. He was not allowed to pick up his grand kids, because he might fall over dead, with the baby in his arms- and injure them when he fell. He told me that his friend lived like that for a few days…and then said: “Oh, this is bull crap. I won’t drive, because I might kill someone else if I die, but everything else, I am just going to do like I always do. Who cares if I die in a pool? I won’t drown, I will be dead. I will sit down when I play with my grand kids, if I topple over, they can just climb off the couch. I am not going to worry. I will go for my walks, I shall dance with my wife, and I will work on my projects. I am not going to become a walking dead man. As long as I am alive, I shall live.”
Now, we get to the part I found fascinating, and worth really thinking about: transformation.
This guy told me that once his friend faced up to the fear of imminent death- he totally transformed himself. It was almost “Scrooge like” – he said. Not in a major way, he was always a good guy, but in subtle little ways that you noticed only if you were around him a lot. I asked: “Like what?”
“Well, for one thing, he rejoiced in whatever he was doing at the moment. He no longer could be distracted. If he was on the floor playing with the grand kids, that is where his full attention, his presence, and his focus was. If he danced with his wife, he was truly fully there…she said it was remarkable to be kissed by him, or to dance with him, because he was all there- in the moment. No hurry, no rush, no thoughts about anything but the kiss, or the dance, or the hug. She said that from a few days after the Doctor told him what was in his future- until he actually died, he gave the World’s greatest hugs. If he was speaking with you, it was intense, but not forced. Like only you and him were the only two people on earth, and he had all the time in the world for you. Talking to him, was like a salad bar for the soul, healthy, nurturing, and you want to go back. He made no plans for tomorrow. None.
If you called him , and something came up, and you told him to call you later – he would laugh and say: “Nope. Tell me what you want to say to me now. If you call tomorrow, I may, or may not be here.” If you did have to cut it short, he would simply say: ‘Remember, I love you, I gave you my time.” And he meant it. He gave you his time. It used to piss me off, until he died. He gave me his time, all of it, when he was with me, and I only gave him part of mine.”
At this point in our conversation, he had to pause for a bit, and wipe his eyes. He got that far away look in his eyes, that look that forgets anyone is nearby, or even around. The one people get when they have a vivid memory, a sudden insight, or a thought that they can’t wrap their head around. Then he came back to the present and told me more about his friends transformation.
His friend only did what he wanted to. He didn’t try to be polite, or politically correct, or do it for the other person…it was the most liberating kind of selfishness – said his friend. He would simply say: “No.” No explanations, no excuses- no regrets. If both you and him wanted to do it, or be together for lunch, or a walk, he went. If you wanted to go to a movie and wanted him along…and he didn’t want to go- he did not go. Not with any hint of malice, or anger, or rejection… he simply wanted to use every moment of his life, to live it his way. Even with his wife, he only went when they both loved whatever they were going to do- like dancing. He loved to dance. With her. He no longer shared his dancing prowess with the other ladies, which caused some problems with both his wife, and all his other dance partners. Like I said earlier, if he was with you…he was WITH you!
Oh, and music. He would listen to all kinds of music. But when he was quiet, it was always classical, or piano instrumental music. One time, I was visiting, and we were sitting outside his garage…he had some music on with his eyes closed. I said: “Hello!” He didn’t even open his eyes, just waved me to the other chair and stayed in the music. When the music ended about 12 minutes later- he looked over to me:
“Thank you for your silence. It was nice to have someone to share the music with. I now know why, in the olden days, people would cry listening to good music. They let their minds fill with only the music, and were free to go where it took them.” He smiled at me, and we chatted. I thought about that later…he gave the music the same kind of attention that he gave us, there at the end of his life. Every bit of his being was listening without distraction. That, I think, was the biggest transformation… he had no distractions in each moment of his life …there at the end. I admired that.
“How did he die?”
“Oh, just like they said he would. He was reaching for sugar, his wife said, and just…stopped. No time to say anything, or cry out. He just stopped. He got almost four months, and the Doc’s thought he might only live a week… so, he lived long enough to show us how to live.”
We parted ways, and I went for a long walk. Thinking. What must the pressure be like to know you could drop at any time? What is it like to have your car, your plane, your travel plans, even picking up your kids, become things you have to let go of? Yet he found a way to live in the moment, every moment. He wasn’t irresponsible, he didn’t drive, where he would put others at risk, but he swam, went swinging on swing sets, climbed ladders, and went dancing with his wife.
We are all him. We just don’t believe it…we think we have time …he did not think that. So, he put all of himself in even the littlest ordinary every day activity. His friend said he never saw anyone enjoy the taste of food, the sound of music, or get lost looking at a flower more than that guy. “It was almost childlike, to see him look at the clouds, or watch ants, or admire his latest project.” Almost child like. I think there is a kernel of real truth in that.
I am not sure I could transform like this man did. I do know that I don’t know how long I have to live. But I am not under pressure of a real time limit. Not sure I could respond like he did to the crushing ever present presence of death, and knowing it would be sudden. Yet, I learned some things from this. Did you?
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