“Well Mr. Ifer, it is very nice for us that you have found the time for an interview,” muttered Matthew Mark into his microphone.
“Don’t mention it Matthew, just call me Luc”, replied Luc Ifer.
“Thanks Luc, perhaps you can tell the viewers why you look like a relaxed television personality rather than the image of a devil that we are all used to?” began Matthew.
“Of course Matthew, like any smart being I can change my appearance to suit my need and mood. Tonight I just want to give your viewers a different look without trying to seduce them”, responded Luc.
“Luc can you please tell the people watching this interview exactly why you have decided to come forward and present your case. Why do you want to explain to those in the world that there are great misconceptions regarding your personality and your practices?” asked Matthew.
“Well for a long time now the world population has been persuaded that I am a bad guy. That I am the one who causes everything bad to happen, that I am the one who induces crime in the world, that I am the one to blame when there is famine, pestilence, drought, war, and disturbances in the family”, explained Luc.
“Well if not you, then should we hold some other Archangel to be responsible?” continued Matthew.
“Look Matthew, it is true that each of us ‘up above’ has one or more tasks in the heavenly machinery. But we are also just workers. We have schedules, we have duties, and we have responsibilities. It is true we have some freedom - to decide how much we push the levers and turn the dials. But actually there are some fundamental principles behind our doings – some concepts that we up there hold as our working rationale. It may be a shock for you and others to hear this but our fundamental principle for things that happen down here is – ‘things happen!’ -- not that this or that person caused it all and therefore should be the scapegoat!” outlined Luc.
“I don’t quite follow you. We down here in the world have been educated that there are reasons for everything – when good things happen it is our own doing, when bad things happen it is your doing!” quipped Matthew.
“Matthew, these are ideas put up by the ‘opposition’. Maybe I shouldn’t call them ‘opposition’, but they always assume when they don’t get their way that I am actively opposing them and blocking their way. There are ‘opponents’ in every country and it is nothing to do with particular religions, particular politics, or particular social or sexual preferences. These ‘opponents’ have formed, wittingly or otherwise, a particular grand sect”, defended Luc.
“You are making it sound rather like a conspiracy. You mean that their propaganda machine actually attributes you with evil doings, although you have nothing to do with what they accuse you of?” continued Matthew.
“Yes, something like that! Well actually exactly like that, but we don’t make a big thing of it – whereas the opposition makes a very big thing of it. The simple truth is that we just go about our business. If it works we are happy – but we don’t claim the success. If it doesn’t work we just say ‘Damnation’ or some equivalent – and simply write down ‘this or that happened’ into our daily diary”, explained Luc.
“What do you mean ‘write down’ – is there a Big Book up there?” joked Matthew.
“Yes, a very big book, because we have been in business for a very long time, much longer than the standard 6926 years. The Big Book records everything that happened, and just as important - which combination of levers and dials in the heavenly machinery produced which events”, outlined Luc.
“So things must be getting better, because you have proven recipes to generate known effects and avoid certain disasters. So why do things still go wrong today?” asked Matthew.
“Because we can’t reckon with the randomness of mankind. The endless conscience seeking of mankind and the everlasting justification of poor human behavior, as mankind tries to placate its greed and massage its ego. Some human is always sticking his oar into the heavenly workings. Sometimes it’s an accident, sometimes it’s quite deliberate to try to manipulate history into a particular direction – one that favors a particular group”, explained Luc.
“Please tell us a few more things about ‘up there’. Is there an over hierarchy, is there someone in charge?” asked Mathew.
“Well there’s the boss and he delegates what needs to be done to the rest of us”, confirmed Luc.
“So you confirm that the boss is a man, is he old with grey hair?” asked Matthew.
Luc explained, “No, only humans try to make us into humans. So I used ‘he’ because humans expect this! It is true that we can modify our appearance to look like humans – so the boss can be anything he/she/it wants to be depending upon the need, or what the audience wants to see and hear! And my appearance for instance is selected only for this interview – I selected visual characteristics that are considered appealing to the average human viewer of your television program!”
“You mean that your real self looks like the red bearded goat-like creature with horns, red beard cloven hooves and a spiky tail?” asked Matthew.
“Well that appearance is only for Sundays - what you describe is the costume I wear when we are discussing matters pertaining to the Sun, or working on a sun. I have a whole range of outfits from voluptuous maiden, to knight in shining armor, to a falling angel, to several appealing or terrifying animals”, explained Luc.
“Luc, perhaps you can tell us more about the boss. How does the hierarchy function, does the boss have a family?” asked Matthew.
“Well, we are all one – that is we divide up the heavenly body to fulfill all of our functions. So all of the angels, archangels, cherubs, virtues, graces, gods, goddesses, and so on, are designated from the heavenly body when it is decided what tasks need to be performed -- and what forces we need to perform it. So the boss has a family when we are bodily divided. The boss does not need a family when we are all unified – when we are all one!” clarified Luc.
“Luc, the one god theory has been around humankind for some millennia now – and for many humans they build their lives around a perceived reality with many characters following the directions of an old man with grey hair. Sometimes there are modifications with holy women and animals”, expanded Matthew.
“Look Matthew, the reality is that we/I/us -- all of us up there, are there to do the work that you see or feel here. By the way, the work done simply proves that ‘god exists’! If god does not exist as some humans claim, then nothing exists – not even the humans who claim that they exist, but god does not! Is that clear enough?” asked Luc.
“Luc, how do we reconcile your explanations, with those of learned humans who claim that there is no such thing as god, that nature did it all by herself during the endless progress of evolution?” pondered Matthew.
“Matthew, up there we hear all of the voices from down below. We hear the statements of the atheists and nihilists too, not just those who claim they can talk with us. If we spent our time worrying what humans think of us we would get nothing done. Those who are passionately against us may state their opinion, and we are not worried until those who are passionately against us start wars with those who are passionately for us. As for the no-god worshipers they prefer the colorless, passionless, self righteous form of existence!” clarified Luc.
“We are perhaps getting a little serious for our non theological audiences, perhaps we can return to some more emotional issues? There are people who claim to have seen you as the Devil, just as there are others who have seen saints or angels – are these people mad or blessed?” asked Matthew.
“Well some blessed ones might have seen us as we flash from one time zone into another. The mad ones think they have seen something, but usually nothing to do with the heavenly choir”, expanded Luc.
“Now a personal question Luc. Does it upset you that people think you are evil?” asked Matthew in a personal tone.
“Matthew, it is probably necessary to distinguish between when people blame me because it’s easy to blame someone else rather than themselves or their group, from when I just happen to be near the scene of disaster and people have caught a glimpse of me. As I told you my job is to fix things - things usually caused by other people. So when I am fixing, I sometimes forget to switch on the invisible shield and what they see is me putting out the fire, rather than starting it”, clarified Luc.
“Luc you mentioned fire, not me. Why are you always associated with fire?” fired Matthew.
“Well Matthew, you asked me about my normal work a bit earlier. The tasks that my group needs to do is make sure the planetary clockwork is functioning normally, and that the furnaces of the sun are running to schedule. Some times when I have forgotten to switch on my invisibility shield I have just returned from a working Sunday. So maybe some unfortunate person has just seen me in my work clothes – very boring answer, sorry!” explained Luc.
“Luc, back to the human emotional level. You did not answer my question about being upset when people think you are evil”, asked Matthew.
“Well Matthew, I am actually a very sensitive being. In human terms, tough machos would label me as a softie. It disturbs me very much that most people think I am bad, which for a sensitive one like me is almost as bad as being evil. This really upsets me because they have hung labels on me without knowing anything about me, without finding out just who I am and what makes me tick”, explained Luc quite sadly.
“Luc why do you think most people are down on you as Devil?” questioned Matthew.
“Mostly because they have read about it. You know when most people read something they think it is 120% true! In my case some very holy men have pre-judged me without reading all of the documents pertaining to my case. Enoch tried to present my case but was rejected between the Testaments”, explained Luc.
“So Luc, some final questions just before we wrap up for tonight. Some people indulge in devil worship, how do you respond to that?” questioned Matthew.
“A most difficult question Matthew. I am not into cult worship! Others of us up there are also objects of worship by some of those down here. Our general concern is that it gets in the way of our work. Just imagine what would happen if our maintenance of the gravity field machines were neglected by us answering to pleas from worshippers – to reward them for special behavior! While we are flattered up there when humans down here think of us, we find that most of the time they do not do it for good will - they simply want something, and expect that by praying to one of us ‘up there‘ they will get whatever they desire. Our general policy upstairs is that we only give rewards for unselfish service, we give nothing on demand – except apparently false hope!” summarized Luc grandly.
“And which humans go to heaven and which to hell?” questioned Matthew triumphantly.
“You notice that I speak about ‘up there’ as where we live -- the supposed good and the supposed bad all together, as we are all part of the heavenly machine. You humans all live ‘down here’. It must be clear to you that we all ‘up there’ view ‘down here’ as hell, and you humans punish people by wanting to send them even deeper! For us ‘up there’ it is not a question of whether you all go to heaven or hell. It is really a question of whether you are able to move onto higher things or condemn yourselves to stay here!” summarized Luc.
“So Luc, you are telling the viewers that you are far from being the bad guy and no way like the most evil one of all time?” demanded Matthew.
“In all truth Matthew it would need many interviews to explain where my deeds and those of the fallen angels have been completely misinterpreted. I would be prepared to give further interviews if your television company were interested. Maybe you can poll your viewers to see if this would be of interest?” laughed Luc.
“Luc that might well be of some general interest, because I feel that some of your answers tonight would benefit from being expanded upon. Some of your answers were perhaps a little esoteric – I am sure because we were under the usual time pressures of the time between the commercials. Do you have a final message for our viewers and our sponsors?” pouted Matthew.
“Yes Matthew, thanks to you and your sponsors for letting a minority speak for himself. I have just about finished a book about our workings upstairs. When I finish it and get permission to publish it, I would be delighted to discuss with you the subtleties of ‘The Kitchen of the Gods’,” finalized Luc.