My times are in thy hands.

My times are in thy hands.(Judy) Broken pieces, of me because after all, I am the one who came after you. Its women who need men, men don't need women. I am sure you know what I mean. A man goes after money, a women goes after a man she wants to marry her.


The marriage was a disaster because, love and marriage was the dream of any high school girl. You leave and want to marry, I took one look at Lionel and to me I decided he is the one I want. The others who came, worshipped me above others infact others did not exist. I was the only woman in the room but they were not like this man. He was tall dark and handsome. I knew some others I wanted to ask me. They were people who came from time to time, they were handsome, they looked good, they looked like they were brothers. I see why I never valued the love we shared, I started whinning. Love is good oh, you whine at a man who begins to try to fit into your standards and doesn't lol! Its funny. You see its one thing to say, your wish is my command and another thing to do it.
If I gave in my all, I don't know maybe he would have got into me, we could have become a pair but no, I decided not to, the mockery got me but at first it was a fun ride I was always whinning.
Asking for what I wanted, the clothes the shoes, the trips, etc. I swear, money and the rest of them, I had but not like this. I whinned about the women around us, then the men, then I thought it was all funny.
Soon I whinned about my heart, my head, my broken heart. About how after a while he moved on. He said to me one day.
I did not believe you would wear me out, you of all people, you were a good girl, always help mum, listen to old folks, play nice. So what's it.
You have worn me out.


They did not like it, my friends. Letaji and the rest. They laughed at me because they felt I was being too much of the baby, I had no crown on my head yet.


Letaji complained about how my husband felt they my friends were responsible and were putting pressure on me not to be the wife I had desperately wanted to be.


I asked a question once which never got an answer, letaji, why did you not marry me instead.

He laughed, common, am an african man but look at something, I can't marry now... He should have said but did not not instead said are you sick, you married a mogul's son.

I laughed, I am just peoples. Oh.



Letaji, was a nice guy. Letaji is a bag he bought for me I called him later that, because the bag is still the best thing I have got in my locker so far.




I look back and smile because now I have so many things I don't value, they are either so funny, or so antiquited etc.


Today, its strange, leaving the old things I love for new things.


Back to friends, were they with open arms. They had baby mamas who gossiped about me being a leach, we bitched each other like crazy common after all we are the best oponents for each other. It was great.


Until one of them cried out about me being unable to transmit any stim.
I laughed because I was sure it was a lie. Me I am very particular about stim donation. I wanted to donate stim by all means. In fact it is my life.
I know some of our friends, their baby mamas and relatives who look pretty too but don't mind if they can't transmit stim, me, I would die if I couldn't. Yes am that dangerous, human, flesh and blood, transmiting stim.


I had some friends who were doing good, keeping hearts strong and all. Me I was doing nothing at the time, lagging behind.

It crossed one's mind to ask me, I know why you don't want to transmit stim yet, you have other plans. You are after someone in particular.
I smiled yes someone doing what am doing. The things I do. Am after him.


Like what do you do.

I study hard, I make discoveries on my own. I research.


Else we wondered your husband is cool. He is a nice man.


My husband likes my food a lot. He appreciates what I can cook. He likes yam, he likes vegetable soup. He likes tomatoes. I tried my best for him, I cooked.



Well I have tasted your food. My friends would say to me. " You are trying to hard, your food is gory."

Does it have taste I would ask.

"It has a bad taste that's the problem."


I figured I was useless to my husband.



They laughed at that, well maybe you should have just transmitted that's all.



I know. I can't rid myself off the thought of this man. I am trying.




"Try harder this is the real world, where art thou tiara, if not a crown of miserable thorns to keep giving stim, its sad." A friend once said to me.



Since people like the stim I am giving no biggie I would keep cooking what I
can.


The marriage was a blessing. We do things together. Pray together. Read together. It was a blessing. When I am down I cry to him. He put my head on his shoulder and say some kind words to me. I think it was priceless. I would never have a more yielding friend I realise.

He was a nice man. When I realised he had to take his options and he wasn't being loyal to me, I felt so bad. I cried over it and moved out for a while. When I got back I nagged him and assured him we were getting no where. He laughed and said something to me I still remember now.

You would never find a man who would care for you like me.


I look back and smile because I know, maybe I shouldn't have left him but he was getting obsessive about the whole thing, I think he wasn't feeling good anymore. He used to be a happy guy.


My new man, well I could have as well followed some of my really wanton male friends, he is evil to say the least, he is ruining my mind, controlling me, telling what to think, when to and how to feel about myself, its exhausting. I wish I never did what I did. I am trying hard to be beyonce now, or maybe some other girl like that, I am me, I can't change for anyone, this is where God put me in this world where we are all mostly equals but where I still managed to distinguish myself in beauty and stim donation.



You might be wondering how he looks. He is just perfect. My husband was handsome. He is perfect. Plain perfect yes.


This is how we met.

On the sixteenth of april 2014 I spoke to him online, I just met him. He told me he was going to like to meet me, that I was making a mistake treating people like that.
I was surprised it was this man who had been bitching my plans to get internationally acclaimed. I spoke with Letaji about everything. He was like, look you should not be found in the following places, Nigeria, your home country and africa at large and here you must continue to go by some girl, who looks good, no acclaim nothing.

I shuddered. So that's it.

Anyway I called an old friend who got adopted by a mogul in Nigeria.
There something happened. She has international acclaim but she is virtually a whore. She is a boss lady don't get me wrong but a whore.

One thing consoled me though what letagi said, "feel free if anything happens know you are beautiful and you make people happier and leave them better then before they met you."
I wondered what he meant.

Some weeks later I spend more time in the bathroom also in the bedroom. Seems strange and awkward and upsetting but I was still in my location.
At that point I did not know anything better to do than to loose my mind and become a total bitch.

First and foremost this is how. I say virtually anything that comes to my mouth, I fling orders and insults at others. I realise its all a vicious circle and don't tell any pretty girl that.


Look, you do this for people and that's why you get any acclaim.


I start feeling like hey what's the big deal in being pretty, it aint much. It is a mess.
So I buy a pregnancy kit and abortion pills and so far nothing.


My husband said to me, you are asking people for euthanasia, seems you can't adapt. You are being ungrateful for all the love showered on you.


So I told him about someone I want to meet just incase he knows him and that's the last thing I ever got to say to him cos he went angry, yelling and all which I felt was awkward. He left the house.


My family's reaction was candid. Typical of you girl mum said, you are a quiet girl you are bound to want a powerful man when all the while I thought it was obedience to me. I fought hard to protect you. I shunned others who were asking me.
Now I am going to turn against you and she did.
That man you want he is very handsome plus he is powerful, get ready for disaster.
"Its not that mum" I cried out
Its stuff am working on.


Like what, is it how to build sand castles. Baby you are stupid, sorry to say that, you were born stupid.


That's what it seems cos you don't know what I know.


Come back baby or, you would regret it. Baby come back.


I walked out. My mum was getting emotional. So I thought when she was planning a way to get me wived once and for all.


On getting to Ghana the stuff got worse. I started leaving myself rough and scattered. I cried morning to night. I almost felt like commiting suicide and tried once or twice like that.
But after a while, I left my friend at Legon and went back to my house it was empty. I drink from morning to night and letaji was gone.




It seemed its time to pay for everything. The nice house, fancy school, family and friends, love. The fancy cars. Etc. I did not like it.



After a while I went for open counselling with a friend's mother and she talked to me. It seemed her advice got me crying more. My husband was getting back at me after all.
Common she yelled, you are pretty you can't deny anyone sex! Its wrong. After all that's has been done for you.


"I don't like it! I hate the thought of that."


She frowned.



Finally he called me to come to see him. I left and we did get to meet in a hotel.


It leaves me with fantasies and nothing more. No reality. Life has become only a dream.