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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Drama / Human Interest
- Subject: Art / Music / Theater / Dance
- Published: 06/10/2018
BILL’S FUNERAL
A play In one act
By Gordon England and Lisa Farrall
Based on True Events
CHARACTERS: JANE SMITH - Bill Smith’s wife
BILL SMITH, Treasury Agent
ANNIE SMITH - Bill’s ex-wife
CANDY LANE – Bill’s girlfriend #1
MARIA GARCIA - Bill’s girlfriend #2 married to Bill’s friend, Alfredo
SETTING: Takes place in one scene in funeral home.
The Set
A funeral home parlor with a closed casket, flower arrangements, and two sets of three chairs, one set behind the other.
BILL’S FUNERAL
By Gordon England and Lisa Farrall
SCENE 1
AT RISE: (A viewing at a funeral home. Jane is at a closed casket. Two rows of 3 chairs are behind her. Organ music is playing softly.)
JANE
Oh Bill. I can’t believe you’re gone. You always were an inconsiderate bastard but now, just when I thought we were finally working things out, you go and get yourself killed!
ANNIE
(VO) Bill, Bill, Bill, you always did like to live on the edge. All those years of thinking you were invincible. Now look where you are! Kevin still can’t understand why you divorced me, married my sister, and his aunt became his step mother and his mother became his aunt... It’s all been so confusing for him. I sure hope you’re in a better place, but I doubt it.
ANNIE
(Annie leers at Jane) I hope you’re happy now.
JANE
Still jealous... after 5 years. That’s pretty pathetic.
ANNIE
What do you expect? Catching my own sister in bed with my husband.
JANE
If you had been taking care of him that wouldn’t have happened. You need to forget it. Especially now that he’s .... I can’t believe you!
ANNIE
It really hurt Jane. And then you had the gall to get Mom on your side. Of course, she always liked you better anyway!
JANE
She saw that we were a better fit, that’s all. Bedside’s, you weren’t exactly an innocent in all this.
ANNIE
To be honest, I’m glad you took him away from me—he was too much trouble.
JANE
Too much trouble? He was always good to me. Unlike you, I had a good marriage... until recently. He seemed to have a lot on his mind.
ANNIE
Really! Seemed to me that his hand was actually glued to your ass.
JANE
C’mon, Annie, have some respect.
ANNIE
You’re right. Besides, my life is pretty good now. (Changing subject) Now, Jane, I want details. Bill worked in a dangerous job at the Treasury Department so I thought something might have happened related to his work, but in your phone message you said that he died in a skydiving accident.
JANE
It was some type of skydiving exhibition at a football game or something. He was sucked out of the plane and fell into a lake.
ANNIE
But he was such an experienced skydiver. He was an expert parachute packer; they always have two parachutes. What happened?
JANE
You know the door is always open in a skydiving plane. He was trying out some new emergency chute that would open automatically at 800 feet. And apparently, when the airplane rose to 800 feet, the chute opened and pulled him out of the plane.
ANNIE
Oh, that’s terrible!
JANE
He was so mangled that we would have to have a closed casket. (Sobs.)
Annie
I’m so sorry Jane.
(They hug as Candy enters the room and goes to the casket. She is dressed in a very tightfitting red dress and wearing stiletto heels.)
CANDY
(VO) Bill. I couldn’t believe it when I heard the news. I don’t know what happened. Something about an airplane? I thought you were on a business trip to Kansas. It’s been two weeks since you left and I was looking forward to you coming back next week. For that romantic dinner in the mountains.
JANE Who are you?
CANDY
Hello. I’m Candy. And you are?
JANE
I am Bill’s wife, Jane Smith.
CANDY (Pauses) Wife?
JANE Yes!
CANDY
He told me he was divorced.
ANNIE
He was divorced--from me. Now she is his wife.
Jane
(Pointing to Annie)
She was his wife. Now I’m his wife...was his wife.
CANDY
That son-of-a-bitch.
JANE AND ANNIE (UNISON) That son-of-a-bitch!
JANE
How long were you seeing him?
CANDY
(Head high) Six months. He came into the restaurant where I’m a waitress and he seemed so nice, but so lonely.
ANNIE
(Giggles) Six months. That’s how long he cheated on me.
CANDY
With who?
ANNIE
(She points to Jane) With my sister... her. (Looking at Candy) At least you fit the profile!
CANDY
What do you mean?
ANNIE
You have what Bill liked. (She cups her breasts with her hands.)
CANDY
I can’t believe this. (Pauses). So he wasn’t in Kansas.
JANE
No. He was at home with me.
CANDY
What was his job?
JANE
He was a Treasury Agent.
CANDY
What? He told me he was a traveling salesman.
(Annie giggles.)
JANE
Oh, he was a traveler all right. He was a Treasury agent for 17 years. Bill worked undercover going after the Mafia.
ANNIE
And I’m his son’s mother.
CANDY
Son?
JANE Yes.
CANDY
He never mentioned any children! (Candy goes to the casket and pounds on the top with frustration.) ... My family always has open caskets.
Jane
They didn’t ask me how I wanted it. Maybe his head got chopped off.
(Candy starts to wail. The other two comfort her. Maria walks in and goes to the casket.)
MARIA
(VO) Bill, I can’t believe you’re really gone. We had such plans for each other. I was going to leave Alfredo next month. I know you didn’t believe me, but I was! And you said you and Jane were through. Now I have to stay with Tom! (Sobs)
JANE
Maria?! (They hug) Is Alfredo with you?
MARIA
Uh, no. He’s watching football today.
JANE Football?
MARIA
Actually, I don’t think he heard about Bill (looks sheepish).
ANNIE
Hello, Maria. I haven’t seen you since high school.
MARIA
Hello, Annie. This is a terrible shock. I’m so sorry for your loss.
ANNIE
It’s not my loss. We were divorced over 5 years ago.
JANE
But I thank you. This has been shock for all of us.
CANDY
I’m shocked, too. I’m Candy, his girlfriend, or so I thought.
MARIA
Why the closed casket?
JANE
His boss made the arrangements. The funeral home just said the Treasury
Department was taking care of everything. They even brought me a check this morning for his life insurance. It’s only been three days.
ANNIE
Really. The U.S. Government gave you his insurance check in three days! I would have thought a year would be more like it. You are talking about our Government, right?
(Jane nods)
MARIA
What happened? There wasn’t much in the paper.
JANE
It was a parachute accident.
CANDY Parachute?
JANE
He had a parachute accident and fell out of the plane early. They said his head must have hit the tail and killed him instantly.
CANDY
I can’t believe this. We’d been planning on moving away.
JANE Moving? Moving where?
CANDY
He said he was trying to get a new job overseas somewhere. Maybe London. I even applied for a passport. But before that, we were going on a romantic getaway in the mountains! (Annie smirks.)
MARIA
The mountains! He was taking me to Las Vegas...After my husband left town of course.
(Annie smirks again.)
JANE
What are you saying? Bill was also seeing you on the side? That son-of-a-bitch!
ANNIE, MARIA, JANE (Unison) That son-of-a-bitch.
ANNIE
Well, you certainly don’t fit the profile
MARIA
Well, I just loved going out with him. He was such a wonderful dancer.
JANE Dancer?
ANNIE Dancer!
CANDY Dancer!
JANE
He never danced with me.
MARIA
And his beard was so handsome.
JANE
Beard? He didn’t have a beard, except when he went undercover. He would glue that thing in the mornings. (Annie chuckles.)
MARIA
He told me that I was the one. We had gone to the Treasure Suites several times. He always managed to get the same room and he’d have champagne waiting for us. Bill told me that you were going to divorce him! Alfredo and I haven’t been getting along for a while now.
CANDY
Treasure Suites? That’s where he took me. He said he picked that place because it was so romantic—just the two of us! We had champagne, too. He told me that I was the one! I can’t believe this.
JANE
Ah, yes, Treasure Suites. He also took me there when we were having our affair—seems to be a pattern, don’t you think?
ANNIE
I’ve got you all beat—Bill and I went there on our honeymoon night.
ANNIE, JANE, CANDY, MARIA (UNISON) That son-of-a-bitch!
MARIA
So, Candy—is that really your name? I don’t see what he saw in you. Bill was so intellectual and we enjoyed having interesting conversations.
ANNIE
Oh, I saw right away what Bill saw in Candy (Looks at her chest.) And trust me, it wasn’t the erudite conversations? (Laughs)
MARIA
So, what makes you think you were the one? Bill and I were discussing marriage. Here’s the ring he gave me.
CANDY
He gave me a ring, too. Look.
MARIA
Oh, my God—they’re the same ring.
ANNIE
Kmart must have had a “blue light special” in jewelry. (Looks at rings.) Ha, ha! Cubic Zirconium!!
CANDY Cubic Zirconium?!
CANDY, ANNIE, MARIA, JANE, ANNIE (Unison) That son-of-a-bitch.
MARIA
(Stands up.) Well, believe it, honey. You know, I still think you’re delusional. Bill didn’t want you. You were just a fling. Just look at you—young enough to be his daughter.
CANDY
(Stands up.) A fling? How dare you! (Pushes Maria.) I made Bill happy—he told me so. He said I was the only woman for him.
MARIA
(Pushes Candy) I was the one he wanted.
CANDY
You? A little old, aren’t you?
MARIA
Don’t worry dear, maybe someday you’ll actually graduate from high school.
ANNIE
Excuse me, but aren’t you two even a little embarrassed? This is his wife!. Have you no shame?
JANE
Well, thank you, Annie. Actually, I was just looking at these two and realized how easy it was for Bill to fool a couple of loose women!
MARIA AND CANDY Loose women?
MARIA How dare you?
ANNIE
Hold it, hold it all of you. Calm down! The man of the hour is gone. We don’t know who his favorite was. Who knows, maybe there are other bimbos who fell for “Romeo?” Now, I want to bring the discussion back to Bill’s demise.
CANDY Demise?
ANNIE
Let me try a smaller word. His death, dearie.
CANDY
I knew that!
ANNIE
I find it strange that this all happened so fast. The Treasury Department sure took care of everything in a hurry.
JANE
I don’t think they had Bill’s body at the funeral home, when two men in dark suits and sunglasses showed up on my doorstep, check in hand for his life insurance. And his will and other paperwork were in an envelope right on his desk.
ANNIE
He worked for the government. The government delivers a life insurance check in under a week...There’s something fishy about all this.
(An old woman (Man dressed as Old Woman) enters with a walker. Jane approaches her.)
JANE
Can I help you ma’am?
OLD LADY
Is this Bill Smith’s funeral?
JANE
Yes, I’m Jane Smith. His wife.
OLD LADY
Oh you poor dear. This must have been quite a shock. He was such a good man.
JANE
How did you know Bill?
OLD LADY
He was student of mine back when he was in junior high school. He was a sweet young boy. We’ve sort of kept in touch.
ANNIE
Kept in touch after all these years?
OLD LADY
When he missed our last date, I just knew something had happened.
ANNIE Date?
OLD LADY
In 30 years, he never missed a date.
MARIA Never?
ANNIE
What kind of date?
CANDY
He stood me up all the time!
ANNIE
What kind of Date?
OLD LADY
We had what you might call, a special relationship.
JANE How special?
OLD LADY Oh...you know.
ALL
That son of a Bitch!
CANDY
I’m outta here. This is getting kind of creepy.
MARIA Me too.
(They gather their belongings.)
CANDY
I don’t care what any of you say, Bill and I had something special.
(She exits)
MARIA
I’m going to miss his conversations.
OLD LADY
I know what you mean. We could just talk till the wee hours of the morning.
(Maria exits)
ANNIE
(To the Old Lady) I guess there’s nothing keeping you here.
OLD LADY
I think I’ll just sit here a while and remember him as the sweet man he was.
ANNIE
Well, there’s certainly nothing keeping me here.
JANE
I’ll walk out with you.
(She prepares to leave)
JANE
(To Annie)
I’m sorry about...I shouldn’t have done that to you.
ANNIE
Like I said, my life is much better now.
(They hug and prepare to exit. They stop at the entrance.)
JANE
You don’t think that they....
(The both look at the Old Lady.)
JANE and ANNIE ...NAW!
(They exit. The Old lady slowly goes over to the casket)
OLD LADY
I can hear you snoring!
(We hear a bump in the coffin)
BILL Ouch!
OLD LADY (Dropping her old lady persona) You can come out now.
(The coffin opens)
BILL
I thought they’d never leave.
(Bill exits the coffin. The Old Lady helps him out.)
BILL
Do you think it worked?
OLD LADY
I expect they are out of your life for good.
BILL
I told you I didn’t need to hide in there. It was miserable!
OLD LADY
What if one of them opened it?
BILL They didn’t.
OLD LADY But they might have.
BILL Now what?
OLD LADY
We start again of course.
BILL Where to?
OLD LADY
The North West this time. Oregon.
BILL
I like cold weather.
OLD LADY
I’m tired of saving your ass. Why do you up start things with so many women?
BILL
Sorry about that.
OLD LADY
Most people in the witness protection program settle down, get married and keep a low profile. It’s the smart thing to do. But not you. It’s impossible to keep a secret when you’re messin with so many women at the same time!
BILL What can I say?
OLD LADY
Women dig into personal stuff! This is the second time we have start over because you can’t control yourself. Try just one woman this time, OK? (Bill slaps her on her ass as he exits)
BILL
You’re the only woman for me baby.
OLD LADY
I’m not paid enough for this.
She exits.
The End
Bill's Funeral(Gordon England)
BILL’S FUNERAL
A play In one act
By Gordon England and Lisa Farrall
Based on True Events
CHARACTERS: JANE SMITH - Bill Smith’s wife
BILL SMITH, Treasury Agent
ANNIE SMITH - Bill’s ex-wife
CANDY LANE – Bill’s girlfriend #1
MARIA GARCIA - Bill’s girlfriend #2 married to Bill’s friend, Alfredo
SETTING: Takes place in one scene in funeral home.
The Set
A funeral home parlor with a closed casket, flower arrangements, and two sets of three chairs, one set behind the other.
BILL’S FUNERAL
By Gordon England and Lisa Farrall
SCENE 1
AT RISE: (A viewing at a funeral home. Jane is at a closed casket. Two rows of 3 chairs are behind her. Organ music is playing softly.)
JANE
Oh Bill. I can’t believe you’re gone. You always were an inconsiderate bastard but now, just when I thought we were finally working things out, you go and get yourself killed!
ANNIE
(VO) Bill, Bill, Bill, you always did like to live on the edge. All those years of thinking you were invincible. Now look where you are! Kevin still can’t understand why you divorced me, married my sister, and his aunt became his step mother and his mother became his aunt... It’s all been so confusing for him. I sure hope you’re in a better place, but I doubt it.
ANNIE
(Annie leers at Jane) I hope you’re happy now.
JANE
Still jealous... after 5 years. That’s pretty pathetic.
ANNIE
What do you expect? Catching my own sister in bed with my husband.
JANE
If you had been taking care of him that wouldn’t have happened. You need to forget it. Especially now that he’s .... I can’t believe you!
ANNIE
It really hurt Jane. And then you had the gall to get Mom on your side. Of course, she always liked you better anyway!
JANE
She saw that we were a better fit, that’s all. Bedside’s, you weren’t exactly an innocent in all this.
ANNIE
To be honest, I’m glad you took him away from me—he was too much trouble.
JANE
Too much trouble? He was always good to me. Unlike you, I had a good marriage... until recently. He seemed to have a lot on his mind.
ANNIE
Really! Seemed to me that his hand was actually glued to your ass.
JANE
C’mon, Annie, have some respect.
ANNIE
You’re right. Besides, my life is pretty good now. (Changing subject) Now, Jane, I want details. Bill worked in a dangerous job at the Treasury Department so I thought something might have happened related to his work, but in your phone message you said that he died in a skydiving accident.
JANE
It was some type of skydiving exhibition at a football game or something. He was sucked out of the plane and fell into a lake.
ANNIE
But he was such an experienced skydiver. He was an expert parachute packer; they always have two parachutes. What happened?
JANE
You know the door is always open in a skydiving plane. He was trying out some new emergency chute that would open automatically at 800 feet. And apparently, when the airplane rose to 800 feet, the chute opened and pulled him out of the plane.
ANNIE
Oh, that’s terrible!
JANE
He was so mangled that we would have to have a closed casket. (Sobs.)
Annie
I’m so sorry Jane.
(They hug as Candy enters the room and goes to the casket. She is dressed in a very tightfitting red dress and wearing stiletto heels.)
CANDY
(VO) Bill. I couldn’t believe it when I heard the news. I don’t know what happened. Something about an airplane? I thought you were on a business trip to Kansas. It’s been two weeks since you left and I was looking forward to you coming back next week. For that romantic dinner in the mountains.
JANE Who are you?
CANDY
Hello. I’m Candy. And you are?
JANE
I am Bill’s wife, Jane Smith.
CANDY (Pauses) Wife?
JANE Yes!
CANDY
He told me he was divorced.
ANNIE
He was divorced--from me. Now she is his wife.
Jane
(Pointing to Annie)
She was his wife. Now I’m his wife...was his wife.
CANDY
That son-of-a-bitch.
JANE AND ANNIE (UNISON) That son-of-a-bitch!
JANE
How long were you seeing him?
CANDY
(Head high) Six months. He came into the restaurant where I’m a waitress and he seemed so nice, but so lonely.
ANNIE
(Giggles) Six months. That’s how long he cheated on me.
CANDY
With who?
ANNIE
(She points to Jane) With my sister... her. (Looking at Candy) At least you fit the profile!
CANDY
What do you mean?
ANNIE
You have what Bill liked. (She cups her breasts with her hands.)
CANDY
I can’t believe this. (Pauses). So he wasn’t in Kansas.
JANE
No. He was at home with me.
CANDY
What was his job?
JANE
He was a Treasury Agent.
CANDY
What? He told me he was a traveling salesman.
(Annie giggles.)
JANE
Oh, he was a traveler all right. He was a Treasury agent for 17 years. Bill worked undercover going after the Mafia.
ANNIE
And I’m his son’s mother.
CANDY
Son?
JANE Yes.
CANDY
He never mentioned any children! (Candy goes to the casket and pounds on the top with frustration.) ... My family always has open caskets.
Jane
They didn’t ask me how I wanted it. Maybe his head got chopped off.
(Candy starts to wail. The other two comfort her. Maria walks in and goes to the casket.)
MARIA
(VO) Bill, I can’t believe you’re really gone. We had such plans for each other. I was going to leave Alfredo next month. I know you didn’t believe me, but I was! And you said you and Jane were through. Now I have to stay with Tom! (Sobs)
JANE
Maria?! (They hug) Is Alfredo with you?
MARIA
Uh, no. He’s watching football today.
JANE Football?
MARIA
Actually, I don’t think he heard about Bill (looks sheepish).
ANNIE
Hello, Maria. I haven’t seen you since high school.
MARIA
Hello, Annie. This is a terrible shock. I’m so sorry for your loss.
ANNIE
It’s not my loss. We were divorced over 5 years ago.
JANE
But I thank you. This has been shock for all of us.
CANDY
I’m shocked, too. I’m Candy, his girlfriend, or so I thought.
MARIA
Why the closed casket?
JANE
His boss made the arrangements. The funeral home just said the Treasury
Department was taking care of everything. They even brought me a check this morning for his life insurance. It’s only been three days.
ANNIE
Really. The U.S. Government gave you his insurance check in three days! I would have thought a year would be more like it. You are talking about our Government, right?
(Jane nods)
MARIA
What happened? There wasn’t much in the paper.
JANE
It was a parachute accident.
CANDY Parachute?
JANE
He had a parachute accident and fell out of the plane early. They said his head must have hit the tail and killed him instantly.
CANDY
I can’t believe this. We’d been planning on moving away.
JANE Moving? Moving where?
CANDY
He said he was trying to get a new job overseas somewhere. Maybe London. I even applied for a passport. But before that, we were going on a romantic getaway in the mountains! (Annie smirks.)
MARIA
The mountains! He was taking me to Las Vegas...After my husband left town of course.
(Annie smirks again.)
JANE
What are you saying? Bill was also seeing you on the side? That son-of-a-bitch!
ANNIE, MARIA, JANE (Unison) That son-of-a-bitch.
ANNIE
Well, you certainly don’t fit the profile
MARIA
Well, I just loved going out with him. He was such a wonderful dancer.
JANE Dancer?
ANNIE Dancer!
CANDY Dancer!
JANE
He never danced with me.
MARIA
And his beard was so handsome.
JANE
Beard? He didn’t have a beard, except when he went undercover. He would glue that thing in the mornings. (Annie chuckles.)
MARIA
He told me that I was the one. We had gone to the Treasure Suites several times. He always managed to get the same room and he’d have champagne waiting for us. Bill told me that you were going to divorce him! Alfredo and I haven’t been getting along for a while now.
CANDY
Treasure Suites? That’s where he took me. He said he picked that place because it was so romantic—just the two of us! We had champagne, too. He told me that I was the one! I can’t believe this.
JANE
Ah, yes, Treasure Suites. He also took me there when we were having our affair—seems to be a pattern, don’t you think?
ANNIE
I’ve got you all beat—Bill and I went there on our honeymoon night.
ANNIE, JANE, CANDY, MARIA (UNISON) That son-of-a-bitch!
MARIA
So, Candy—is that really your name? I don’t see what he saw in you. Bill was so intellectual and we enjoyed having interesting conversations.
ANNIE
Oh, I saw right away what Bill saw in Candy (Looks at her chest.) And trust me, it wasn’t the erudite conversations? (Laughs)
MARIA
So, what makes you think you were the one? Bill and I were discussing marriage. Here’s the ring he gave me.
CANDY
He gave me a ring, too. Look.
MARIA
Oh, my God—they’re the same ring.
ANNIE
Kmart must have had a “blue light special” in jewelry. (Looks at rings.) Ha, ha! Cubic Zirconium!!
CANDY Cubic Zirconium?!
CANDY, ANNIE, MARIA, JANE, ANNIE (Unison) That son-of-a-bitch.
MARIA
(Stands up.) Well, believe it, honey. You know, I still think you’re delusional. Bill didn’t want you. You were just a fling. Just look at you—young enough to be his daughter.
CANDY
(Stands up.) A fling? How dare you! (Pushes Maria.) I made Bill happy—he told me so. He said I was the only woman for him.
MARIA
(Pushes Candy) I was the one he wanted.
CANDY
You? A little old, aren’t you?
MARIA
Don’t worry dear, maybe someday you’ll actually graduate from high school.
ANNIE
Excuse me, but aren’t you two even a little embarrassed? This is his wife!. Have you no shame?
JANE
Well, thank you, Annie. Actually, I was just looking at these two and realized how easy it was for Bill to fool a couple of loose women!
MARIA AND CANDY Loose women?
MARIA How dare you?
ANNIE
Hold it, hold it all of you. Calm down! The man of the hour is gone. We don’t know who his favorite was. Who knows, maybe there are other bimbos who fell for “Romeo?” Now, I want to bring the discussion back to Bill’s demise.
CANDY Demise?
ANNIE
Let me try a smaller word. His death, dearie.
CANDY
I knew that!
ANNIE
I find it strange that this all happened so fast. The Treasury Department sure took care of everything in a hurry.
JANE
I don’t think they had Bill’s body at the funeral home, when two men in dark suits and sunglasses showed up on my doorstep, check in hand for his life insurance. And his will and other paperwork were in an envelope right on his desk.
ANNIE
He worked for the government. The government delivers a life insurance check in under a week...There’s something fishy about all this.
(An old woman (Man dressed as Old Woman) enters with a walker. Jane approaches her.)
JANE
Can I help you ma’am?
OLD LADY
Is this Bill Smith’s funeral?
JANE
Yes, I’m Jane Smith. His wife.
OLD LADY
Oh you poor dear. This must have been quite a shock. He was such a good man.
JANE
How did you know Bill?
OLD LADY
He was student of mine back when he was in junior high school. He was a sweet young boy. We’ve sort of kept in touch.
ANNIE
Kept in touch after all these years?
OLD LADY
When he missed our last date, I just knew something had happened.
ANNIE Date?
OLD LADY
In 30 years, he never missed a date.
MARIA Never?
ANNIE
What kind of date?
CANDY
He stood me up all the time!
ANNIE
What kind of Date?
OLD LADY
We had what you might call, a special relationship.
JANE How special?
OLD LADY Oh...you know.
ALL
That son of a Bitch!
CANDY
I’m outta here. This is getting kind of creepy.
MARIA Me too.
(They gather their belongings.)
CANDY
I don’t care what any of you say, Bill and I had something special.
(She exits)
MARIA
I’m going to miss his conversations.
OLD LADY
I know what you mean. We could just talk till the wee hours of the morning.
(Maria exits)
ANNIE
(To the Old Lady) I guess there’s nothing keeping you here.
OLD LADY
I think I’ll just sit here a while and remember him as the sweet man he was.
ANNIE
Well, there’s certainly nothing keeping me here.
JANE
I’ll walk out with you.
(She prepares to leave)
JANE
(To Annie)
I’m sorry about...I shouldn’t have done that to you.
ANNIE
Like I said, my life is much better now.
(They hug and prepare to exit. They stop at the entrance.)
JANE
You don’t think that they....
(The both look at the Old Lady.)
JANE and ANNIE ...NAW!
(They exit. The Old lady slowly goes over to the casket)
OLD LADY
I can hear you snoring!
(We hear a bump in the coffin)
BILL Ouch!
OLD LADY (Dropping her old lady persona) You can come out now.
(The coffin opens)
BILL
I thought they’d never leave.
(Bill exits the coffin. The Old Lady helps him out.)
BILL
Do you think it worked?
OLD LADY
I expect they are out of your life for good.
BILL
I told you I didn’t need to hide in there. It was miserable!
OLD LADY
What if one of them opened it?
BILL They didn’t.
OLD LADY But they might have.
BILL Now what?
OLD LADY
We start again of course.
BILL Where to?
OLD LADY
The North West this time. Oregon.
BILL
I like cold weather.
OLD LADY
I’m tired of saving your ass. Why do you up start things with so many women?
BILL
Sorry about that.
OLD LADY
Most people in the witness protection program settle down, get married and keep a low profile. It’s the smart thing to do. But not you. It’s impossible to keep a secret when you’re messin with so many women at the same time!
BILL What can I say?
OLD LADY
Women dig into personal stuff! This is the second time we have start over because you can’t control yourself. Try just one woman this time, OK? (Bill slaps her on her ass as he exits)
BILL
You’re the only woman for me baby.
OLD LADY
I’m not paid enough for this.
She exits.
The End
Kevin Hughes
06/19/2018I am so glad I read all the other comments first. This is where being Autistic shows up in a weird way. We take things literally AND can't get sarcasm at all (although we do learn to recognize it - after the fact). I completely missed the humor in this piece even though I was a professional Comedian for a long time.
Sometimes it sucks to be autistic . I saw only cheating, hurt, and pain, everyone else saw a guy with a wandering weenie. Smiles, Kevin
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Gail Moore
06/11/2018Very funny. Thanks for the laugh.
Reminded me of an uncle Bill I had. Three kids all born within a month. Three different mothers. Poor guy died of a heart attack in his early 40s.
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JD
06/22/2018Oh.... ho ho ho, ha ha ha, he he he ... sorry, I can't help but laugh at this. Some men! You're going to have to write a story about this guy, too, Gail! : )
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