How can one person take so long in the bathroom? It had been an hour and a half since Sharon had said she would be down in a minute and Matt still was patiently sitting at the kitchen table; stirring the empty teacup that he had already drunk (over an hour ago). Maybe he could get a quick store run in, she probably wouldn't be out for another hour. He had forgotten to put deodorant on today and he could feel the smell of old gym socks starting to permeate in the air. Grabbing his keys he put his glass in the sink and went towards the front door; right on time, Sharon waltzed in.
"Okay, I'm ready, told you I would be quick"
Matt pursed his lips, trying to hide the disdain on his face.
Sharon hadn't changed anything, her hair was still in a bun, her face looked the same, at least to him, and she still was wearing the same creamy peach cashmere sweater that he had bought her a week ago. all together she looked the exact same as she did an hour ago.
"Don't take this the wrong way...but what did you actually change?" Matt questioned.
"You can't tell? I put on some of that new lipstick that I bought from the store last week. I was going to go for a cherry look, but I decided on peach. I'm trying to impersonate this look I....."
He had stopped listening, after last week there was no point in going on with this conversation; no matter what he said Sharon would be right and would argue him down and honestly he was starving and was too hungry to argue.
"Oh you're right, I see the difference now..so you want to go eat now?"
"You're such a dear Matt, thanks for waiting on me while I embellished on myself a little"
She skipped down the stairs waiting patiently by the passenger side of the car.
Matt liked Sharon, he really did, she had her good qualities, not even including sex, but her bad qualities outweighed her good ones.
She was too perky, sometimes she was bubbly and happy over nothing at all. She laughed at things that honestly weren't funny; like the time he took her to his grandfathers funeral and she started laughing when his grandmother started crying in the middle of the service; his mother still wouldn't talk to him.
She never would open her own car door even when Matt had sprained his arm at work she still waited for him to roll around the car in his wheelchair and open the door for her; which lead to him having to stay in the cast for two more weeks. He had tried to overlook all these things and make it work, he really had, but the more he got to know Sharon the more she grew to annoy him.
He had decided tonight was the night: he was going to break up with her. He decided the safest place would be in public once she had a few drinks in her. So that way if things got too heated he could slip out of the restaurant before she killed him. He already had his escape plan: he either would crawl out the bathroom window or pretend he had a phone call to answer and run to the nearest phone booth and call his mother to come pick him up; all he had to do was make sure he executed the plan.
"Babe, are you okay, you're awfully quiet?"
Matt kept his eyes peeled to the road, he knew if he looked at her he might chicken out.
"Yeah, just thinking about the kind of wine I'm going to get"
Wine! Why would he say wine she knew he hated wine. What was wrong with him?
"Ooohhh...fancy I didn't know you were a connoisseur of the art of wine."
"Oh yeah, I'm full of surprises. I'm the wine guy; I'm who everyone calls to know about, y'know, renowned wines and what not."
"Oh, well look, I wanted to talk to you about something: what do you think about moving in?"
Matt blared the radio listening to some song about a girl's heart being broken, drowning out Sharon's words.
He was about to be broken, very broken, maybe even stabbed, the night was full of surprises.
"Sorry I can't hear you"
There that would buy him some time.
"Honey, calm down, your foods on it's way, you look like you're about to jump out your seat"
She was right, he was about to jump out his seat, just not for the reason she thought. He had to be ready to dart out at any moment.
"Sorry, I'm just hungry and ready for my food".
"Did you see their wallpaper when we walked in? its such an ornate pattern, it feels welcoming.
He hated the wallpaper. It was grotesque. it reminded him too much of Sharon, loud and annoying.
"I was thinking that maybe we could get a wallpaper like that together you know?"
What did he know? What was she saying? Why couldn't she just say what she meant? He was already stressed enough, his good polo shirt was now wet with sweat.
"Sure, whatever you want."
"Really, well, that's great, I already found a place for us, it has a big balcony..."
Matt nodded. He just had to keep nodding. Where was the waiter, he needed a drink.
Finally, their food arrived and Matt scarfed down his food, the searing hot pain of the hot food sliding down his throat. He sighed when he heard the loud sound of Sharon smackin.g he looked up and saw crumbs on the side of her mouth and she had garlic butter on her cheeks.
"So listen, I was thinking?
Sharon looked up lightly burping and giving him her best toothy smile. he winced, he could still see the broccoli crumbs in her teeth.
"What if we both went on a trip?
"What! Really, where?"
He tightened his collar and looked at the table.
"Well you get in your car, right?"
"And drive straight to your house and stay there and I drive to my house and stay there and we both stay at our own houses and never see each other again.
She furrowed her eyebrows.
"What do you mean?"
"Okay, let me explain this better: you go to your house and move on with your life and get your wallpaper and I move on with my life and we don't speak, talk or text each other."
"Are you Kidding ME! You're breaking up with me?!
"No. . . No, of course not, well wait, no, yeah I am"
"You must be joking?"
"Sharon I'm not. I know you have bad taste in jokes but this isn't one”.
"You piece of crap, after everything I've done for you! I gave you everything! I even let you use my favorite towel."
"Okay, 1... I bought that towel and 2... We've been dating for five months you haven't done anything for me."
"Tell me who she is?"
"There is no other girl Sharon, you're just...honestly you're just you and I don't like you."
This was honestly going better than he thought.
She was crying now, snot stuck on her top lip and her eyes were puffy. He wanted to offer a napkin, but she had hogged them all when she was eating.
"You're Selfish, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful to my family and loud, I could go on."
"I'm the most giving person you'll ever meet!" She screamed.
"Are you crazy! You stole ten dollars out the giving jar at church!" he was yelling now.
"They leave it there for you to take!" She yelled.
"No they don't, that's the exact opposite of the point of church.
You never split the check either."
"You should pay for my food" Sharon whined.
"I wouldn't have a problem with paying if you weren't the person eating 98% of the load of food you always order. For god sake, we went to Burger King and you ordered an $80 dollar meal and ate all of the food!"
"I have a high metabolism you jerk!" Sharon said.
"This is why I did this in a public space, I didn't want to create a scene.”
"You want a scene? I'll show you a scene. You got the wrong girl pal!"
"Sharon.. Calm down”
“You want me to calm down!" She yelled.
She threw down her plate ripping off the tablecloth and smashing the glasses.
When Matt lifted up his head, he saw the other guests staring at him, scared, there was glass everywhere.
Sharon grabbed the gravy bowl, dumping the slimy goo down his back.
He bit his lip,trying to keep calm.
"Keep the check" Sharon said.
Matt smiled as he saw her walk out. he was free, finally.
Two Days Later.
"Hey Matt, I didn't know you were packing all that" Sarah said (matt's co-worker)
"Well, I've been working out lately so”
"Matt, can I talk to you for a moment?
Matt looked up as he saw his boss standing in the door of her office.
"Listen Matt, whatever you do in your personal life is fine, but don't bring it to work"
"Um..I'm sorry Ma'am, but I have no idea what you're talking about"
She handed him a flyer.
He stared in horror as he saw a naked picture of himself with the caption
“Can you spot it?
Answer: It's too tiny to spot".
Matt clenched his jaw and looked up.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am I had no idea about this.
He sat down at his cubicle when he suddenly heard the chirping of his phone.