I was only 14 when I met my first real love. I cried not for days but for years over him when we broke up. The reason? Well, I moved from one neighborhood to another which was one hour distance from his place. One day he stopped calling, he did not attend my calls and even once I heard his voice whispering while his grandma was telling me: “he is not here darling, call later”. One day (after two or three weeks of waiting), he finally picked my call. I was anxious, I knew something was wrong, how can someone tell you “I love you” one day and stop calling you the next one?
After some minutes of silence he said: “Listen, I’m sorry but as I started studying high school, my mother doesn’t want me to be distracted by girlfriends so we have to stop all of this”… “of course” I said, “there’s nothing more important than your studies” I continued. I was honest, I believed he was actually worried about his future and as I was living “far away” from him, “distance” was a problem too. “Thanks for being so comprehensive” he replied.
I went back home with my heart broken; when you are 15 and break up with your first boyfriend it is a tremendous shock. “It’s because of his school, it’s the best for him” I kept repeating to myself for the next weeks. However, he did not know I was planning to enter the same high school where he was. I was excited thinking he would be happy to see me there, even if we were not in a relationship anymore.
Once there, I never saw him in the first two months of the semester till that day... one morning I was training with the girls (I was a cheerleader) and while laughing because of a mistake we did in our routine, I saw him walking towards the school’s main gate with three or maybe four friends. I don’t remember exactly how many boys cuz’ in my mind I just have the image of him walking while moving his arm so the girl walking on his right side could take his hand. Yes, they were holding hands while I was 10 or 15 meters distance from them feeling how some tears were coming up. Later, I got to know they were dating even before we broke up. I didn’t say anything to him, although I used to cry every time I saw them at school.
We didn’t talk for the next three or four years but one day… he texted me again to invite me to have coffee. I accepted. Later, similar invitations came. We used to go out like friends, I was still in love with him though. One day I got the courage to ask him why he seemed unable to start a relationship with me again. “You are a great person but… you aren’t like other girls, you don’t even use bad words!” he said. “So, you don’t love me because I’m not a badass?” I asked. “I don’t wanna be so loved all the time, I like girls who ignore me and use some bad words at times” he replied, “I mean, you are too good for me… it’s like an angel with a demon you know” he added. “Of course, I know” (I didn’t at all). I was confused, sad, and for moments questioning my personality. Should I be more like “other girls"?
Years passed, we never talked again but I got to know that girl he was dating in high school cheated on him, several times. However, after lots of tears, I stopped having feelings for him although I will always remember him and I still pray for him every night.
I was 24 and 11 months old when I dated HIM. Yes, that man you see and feel your heart beating like having a Lamborghini engine and makes you do your best to look pretty despite your extremely boring straight hair. Yes, I dated that man you feel is the one. I was so thankful with God; “finally u sent him!”
Six months passed… he had to go to Europe to study his master, however, we agreed to do our best to handle a long-distance relationship. Fortunately, great things happened as I got a scholarship to work and live in France which would allow us to be closer. It was lovely to see him again after more than a year. I felt his love for me. Of course, we faced problems but we were both putting lots of efforts.
After almost ten months I had to go back to my country. He stayed in Europe. Two days after landing I noticed a familiar behavior. He started to ignore me and stopped replying to my messages. We broke up. “Distance” he said, “I can’t handle distance” he highlighted. I was heartbroken; “distance? Now distance is the problem?”… Many things happened, we got back together and broke up several times but the definite one occurred almost a year ago. I got another scholarship but at this time to study a master programme. Extremely happy and excited for the coming experience I let him know the news. Was he happy? Yes, I can say that. However, at the moment I arrived in Glasgow he stopped replying to my messages and there were entire days when we didn’t talk at all. One day in November I got courage again and told him I did not feel this was working as he loved me one day and ignored me the next. After a long discussion he said: “I think you are right with your decision of breaking up, I do not have time for this and distance is hard for me, besides, I sometimes wanna be with a girl that can get a bit crazy with me, you know, someone I can go to bars with, but you… you don’t even drink” he added. No, I don’t drink alcohol, I have my reasons for not doing it. No, I don’t go to clubs on weekends, indeed I’ve just been in a club once in my life and that was on my last birthday (celebrating 29) with my master’s friends. No, I don’t dress up with miniskirts and I don’t know how to walk with high heels.
“I’m not enough woman to you, right?” I asked, “I’m not saying that, but… don’t tell me you haven’t wished to be with another person in all this time” he said. “Wait, what? What are you talking about? Why should I want to be with another man having you on my side? I love you and that’s enough reason for not even looking to other boys”, I said while being surprised for such an offensive statement. Silence, silence was what I got after that, some moments of silence that were interrupted by him when asking: “what do you expect me to say?”.
For the next months, I felt like rubbish, like the stupidest girl ever for not being like “other girls”. “That’s why he didn’t love me anymore… cuz’ I’m not like those girls he likes, those blonde girls with mini dresses who go out and get drunk on weekends in the country where he lives now”. It was hard to listen to the boy you loved saying that in the middle of your biggest academic accomplishment after getting a scholarship to study in three different countries, especially at the end of the semester when you are supposed to go to class and work on your final essays.
My heart, mind, and feminine side were hurt, broken, and dead. For the two boys I have loved, for none of them I was enough… not enough crazy, not enough party-heart, not enough “like other girls”.
Months of internal healing have come. My mother and friends have been the best allies I can have. I still cry at times, particularly when watching certain movies, listening to certain music, and looking to couples everybody critiques for “not matching” and I finally understand something:
It doesn’t matter whether you call to one of the best bakeries in Paris to prepare a special dessert to celebrate your boyfriend’s birthday, or whether you spend three months collecting all the pictures he has shared with you and posted on facebook to do an album that sums up his first year of master with descriptions in all the languages you both speak, it does not even matter whether you get your fifth job to have enough money to go and visit him in another country one day… no, it will never matter for someone that loves you one day but forgets about you the next one. It doesn’t matter how much effort you put to demonstrate your love when you are with the wrong person.
You don’t have to change to please anyone else, you don’t have to drink alcohol, go to parties, dress in a certain way if you don’t want to! You know why? Because the fact you prefer being at home a Friday night watching a movie with pizza doesn’t make you a stupid girl. Because drinking piña coladas without alcohol doesn’t make you a boring girl, and because not flirting with other boys while dating someone doesn’t make you less interesting.
You and I have to remember this: he loses, not you. He loses the opportunity to be with a loyal, smart, and romantic girl.
Do I still have feelings for him? Yes and no, it’s kind of complicated.
Do I believe he has forgotten about me already? Yes, that’s for sure.
Do I have to change my personality to make him stay with me? No, I will never change who I am for anyone.
Do I miss him? Yes, I do because despite the things we both said and did, we had such beautiful moments and I will always remember him, I will always be grateful with him for what he taught me and giving me the courage to study abroad. He is on my praying every night as well and he will always be important for me.
At this point, I am sure there’s someone out there for me, someone who will not try to change me and love me as I am. Someone at the end of the third round.
Good girls might not be popular among men nowadays but… they are the losers, not us.