ATTENTION ALL SANTA CLAUSES!(Jane Lockyer Willis) ATTENTION ALL SANTA CLAUSES!

IMPORTANT NOTICE! CHRISTMAS EVE 2019
FROM YOUR CHIEF SANTA CLAUS - REGINALD YULE

Good evening fellow Santas. Thank you for your attention.

For over two hundred years, the chimney proved a reliable access into people’s homes. At times these structures were hazardous to life and limb – unstable brickwork, the embers of a fire causing burns, or excessive soot blackening our fine red suits.
Now that we are into the twenty first century, this type of entry is sadly, not always viable. Owing to the modernisation of properties, many of our old chimneys are either blocked or taken away altogether. Recently built houses are now often without chimneys. But we have to move with the times, make way for the ultra modern home: the solar panels, the electric and gas fires and the central heating. Chimneys, once the house’s mainstay are alas, no longer our main source of entry. This we must face with equanimity. May I draw your attention therefore, to the following guidelines:

If you find access via a chimney impossible, fly to the next house. All flats are out. Do not waste your or your reindeer’s energy by trying to get into them. They are non starters.

Moving on: Over the past years, it has been common practice to distribute gifts among the children only. The obligatory stocking or pillow-case was filled in the past with small but we hoped interesting gifts. Now it seems that parents want a bite of the cherry too: they also desire presents. So, after it being put to the vote, it was decided to allot a fixed amount of money to purchase and provide for the older fraternity.

Santas! You will recall that the committee developed a pilot scheme. Several of our fleet distributed presents at the parent’s bedsides along with the children’s. Regrettably, this generosity on our part back-fired. Many were less than satisfied with their allotted gifts and emailed our head-office complaining on the size and nature of their presents. As you are all too aware, we do not possess limitless supplies of goodies; and when parcels poured into Lapland’s general post office, we had an enormous problem on our hands. Many gifts of all shapes and sizes were returned to us. The greediest clients kept their gifts and had the gall to email asking for bigger and better presents for the following year! One gentleman wanted a racing camel, insisting that it should be an Omani, streamlined with a single small hump. A retired British airline pilot wanted a mosquito helicopter and a well known celebrity, a Ferrari Frenzy!

Are we not exhausted? Our white collars and cuffs are they not jaded, our beards grown scant, our red coats and trousers worn; our black leather belts barely able to support our trousers, so thin and weak have some of us become? It would seem that our folklore has been violated by today's commercialism. And instead of making a stand, we are almost as much to blame, by surrendering to the masses, and feeding over-stuffed appetites.

Leaflets are to be sent stating that if the house occupants are not satisfied with their presents, they should donate them to some needier person, cause or charity.

Before you set out on Christmas Eve, please take a packed supper. For it has come to my notice that mince pies, milk and other sustainable edibles are now less available. This is often because a Santa can’t find them. Once they were easily spotted, as they were left in or by the fire grates, but since there is now a severe reduction in chimneys, mince-pies etc can be left anywhere: the kitchen, the sitting room or even on desks. Some are half eaten by the inhabitants! It is a disgraceful turn of events. However, we must press on for the sake of the children who look forward to our yearly visits.

Fellow Santas! My Christmas blessings be with you. And may you and your reindeers return safely to your Lapland homes, so that you may hang your own stocking which, on the 26th December, will be filled by our gallant voluntary workers. The gifts will comprise, not gizmos and gadgets, or the latest Rolex watch, but one small orange, a few nuts, and a sugar mouse.

Finally, may we all remember the true meaning of Christmas and the greatest gift of all: the Christ Child. Not born in a luxury flat, or a deluxe ultra modern house, but a humble stable.

Goodbye and good luck!

*****

c: Jane Lockyer Willis
Jane is author of TEA AT THE OPALACO and Other Stories (Adults)
GUYS AND GHOSTS: A Comedy thriller for adults.
TEA AT THE OPALACO & Other Stories - https://tslbooks.uk/product/tea-at-the-opalaco-and-other-stories-2/
GUYS AND GHOSTS - a comedy thriller - https://tslbooks.uk/product/guys-and-ghosts-jane-lockyer-willis/

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