'Broken Adish is finding a permanent solution now"…….
It was in February 2017 when that flame of passion for songwriting raised inside me. I used to write short stories/verses before that, but that sense to convert those words into lyrics and then into a melody came when I practiced it with more dedication. I used to be a quite, shy, hesitant, inconfident, fearful guy from the very beginning of my childhood (I'm still am). I can't even express myself in person,I can't communicate well and most often you'll find me blank in talks but when I have to express it through writings, you see a totally different Adish. So whenever I fall down in life or when I feel broken or whenever I feel something very intensely, I just write about it. Most often I mention all that pain/emotions indirectly/ironically in my songs but today I will say all those things pretty literal. And because I wanna bare my own soul in a direct way, I'm not expressing that through a song.
Ok as I said I started writing songs(lyrics and melodies) in February 2017(I was pursuing chartered accountancy at that time),I thought it's going to be a pretty easy music journey for me and a early clock towards the destination(specially when I came up with my first 3 songs "secret game b/w our eyes"," Intimacy with sweet devotion'', "Hypnotic") and many other unfinished songs. And with that, I became determined that songwriting is all that I wanna do for the rest of my life. And this leads to my second failed attempt in CA - IPCC, as I was spending most of my time writing songs/learn creating melodies. As I was determined to become a songwriter, I finally asked my parents and my sister about it and that resulted in nothing but a heated argument. So I took a break from music(june-july 2017) and started focusing on my next CA - IPCC attempt. Then again in August 2017, I got to know about this singing reality show called "The stage" coming up with its 3rd season. I never had a dream to be a singer first(being a songwriter) but my dreams were asking me to take part in it. So I'd sent my entry with a cover version of "Don't be cruel". In less than 3 hours of sending the entry,I got a call from the show makers as I was shortlisted for the ground auditions. I was very happy listening that. So then again I asked my father about it, as usual he told me to focus on my next CA - IPCC attempt. Without any argument,I left that thought being a part of the show. But that thing for music was with me all the time and this thing wasn't letting me focus on my studies. And I realized that the flame of passion for Songwriting have now become "The fire of passion". On 26th October,2017, I wrote this song called "The fire of passion" that is totally related to my personal life. "The fire of passion'' totally changed my views on songwriting as I realized songwriting is much more than writing about love,deep attraction and intimacy. This song was a turning point in my songwriting. I became more passionate to write about vivid topics. In November 2017,I wrote this song called "Mirage's Outlaid" which is actually related to my life(later I mentioned a girl in the song - Rewritten) when I was feeling guilty of messing up my parents' expectations (my 3rd CA - IPCC attempt). That continuous failures were hard to believe for my parents as I'd always been a bright scholar in me. But deep down they were aware of the actual reason behind it "Music''.They knew I can not dedicate myself in any other thing but music. So, they gave me some space and time to think about my career (but NOT music). At the same time, my raw music wasn't performing well on social media. That was the first time I met and was in this different state of world "ISOLATION". From December 2017 to august 2018, I was in that state and also I took a break from songwriting. In may 2018,I auditioned for Indian Idol but it was another failure. My parents were very worried about my future. Many times i have heard them talking about me being so careless, isolated and distant. I realised my value in my own home was going zero but at the same time,my parents love for me was imperishable. I felt I'm giving them the greatest pains of their life. So I decided to gave up on music and to pursue a career in management through CMAT. But then again in September 2018,I got another opportunity with a call from "Arrived'' a YouTube broadcasted music reality show where one of the judges was "AR RAHMAN". I sent them 3 AV recordings and it endured them to watch me perform more. But my fate wasn't ready for this chance,my sister got to know about it and she was very angry for my being involved with music again. So I dropped that chance as well. And that led me to go in that state of isolation again. Again isolation became my only companion from September 2018. Meantime I wrote songs like "Catharsis'', "Glacier", "Odd dark shed", "Painless death" and a few unfinished verses. Also during that,I secured good percentile in CMAT and admitted in "IMS,davv". Deep down I kept my dreams in mind. I still remember my first day in 'IMS' when I'd gone blank while even introducing myself (as it was very difficult for me to come out of my lonely shelf,my isolated world) and be a part of the real world again. I've met a few good friends here who somewhat brought me out of isolation. My dreams and mindset was revived once again and I started following my dreams more passionately. I started uploading full AV recordings of my songs on Instagram and youtube that I have written previously by rewriting them.
But still my recordings aren't getting views. I have sent demo recordings to many record labels but no one seems to invest on my music. All these previous and current setbacks left me deserted.
I feel so bad about it as I can't even think about any other career option than music, I can't focus on any other thing than music, All the time I think about songwriting, my music career and how to get that push. I can't leave music(I have tried in past).
I feel so guilty to my parents as they're always worried about my future. Sometimes I feel like the only thing left for me to stop feeling that guilt and to stop having that mental pain is to end my own life but I don't have the guts to give myself physical pain.
"And all that I want now is Painless death …I can't demand that as well cause that's where I picturise my family (But I can't leave music and my dreams behind)''.
I'm in huge dilemma what to do now. I have tried everything but nothing's working. I can't even ask my parents to leave everything for music as my music career haven't even got that push that is necessary needed.
"Broken Adish is finding a permanent solution now..…''.