Things are hard for you right now, but you're okay with it. You're okay with it because you know you have seen much harder times. Ultimately, the most difficult thing you have to do right now is be patient and wait. This is a hard thing to do, but you haven't got to wait for much longer. This is what you do. This is your life. You play the waiting game. It's what you were taught to do. "Everything will be okay you just have to wait for it", or this one: "Things get better with time". This is normal. Nothing too tough. No one is threatening you, no one has a gun to your head or a knife to your throat. Nobody is trying to cut your life short. Now i wouldn't say they aren't holding you back, but they can't do that for much longer.
I understand that as time goes on, memories seem more distant. The details aren't as prominent, so I am going to tell you everything, just in case you have forged a memory deep within the back of your mind, or maybe something I say can remind you of something really important. I know how you are. I know how easy it can be to lose yourself in this vast world, your world, of pain. I know what you have on your mind... four more months. It's all you can think about. Just four more months. I want to take a moment and tell you how proud of you I am right now. I do not know how you feel, what events have taken place from this point, or anything really, but I know you are reading this right now, and I am very proud of you for it.
It has been tough. It has been so tough for you. For your entire life. I can tell you how proud I am of you all day long, but your present self needs to tell you how proud they are of you. Nobody else will tell you they are proud of you. They couldn't possibly so don't blame them for it. They do not know the battles you face inside your mind. They can't possibly know, so don't blame them. That is why you must be proud of yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Take initiative for your happiness. I know the world sometimes feels like it is falling apart around you but you can't allow yourself to fall apart with it. It is so easy for you to do but I know somewhere in there, there is someone strong, made of Armour who has the ability to not let anything break them.
I am getting this started for you. I am building you up so you can be invincible. I feel like we are almost there. In October of 2019, I can not remember the specific date. I want to say the eleventh, but I could most definitely be wrong. On this day, you had had enough. You wanted all the pain to be over. It is all you could think about. You couldn't think as far to the consequences because you couldn't get past just doing it and it all being over. Stop blaming yourself for that. It is not your fault. You were just so low to a point where you would do anything for all the pain to just stop. If you could go back, you would do it exactly the way you did and you know that. Stop lying to yourself. Can't you feel that you don't believe it? But it is okay. It is okay because you know you are not a bad person and you have no bad intent on anyone.
You are so close to your happy sanity you can almost touch it. Again, I know how you are, just because you are footsteps away from everything you have always wanted, you can not push those away who you feel you believe have tried to hold you back from your end goal throughout your life fight. You have to understand that they never meant to hurt you. I know they have caused a lot of your pain, but they didn't mean to. So don't leave them behind. They deserve to stand strong with you for the rest of your life. I get it. They might want to just ditch you. Maybe, they do not care what happens once you leave and maybe you guys won't keep in touch. But always leave it open and understood out on the table that you love them and wished they would come along with you on the rest of your life journey you get to partake without them. It is the least you and them deserve. Whether they take it or not, tell yourself it is okay. Nothing lasts forever and sometimes nothing ever even lasts.
You are strong. The day is almost here. Life has been hard, but it should all feel worth it when you show up on their doorstep, ready to have a new family. Nothing and nobody is perfect but happiness and love is enough to fill in the gaps of hard times. Hard times happen, but love cures all. Soon, nobody can control you anymore. You will be free. Free to love, free to live, and free to be happy.