Who are you and what are you doing here? I'm talking to you: staring at your screen and wondering where this is going. You came here expecting all the narrative boxes ticked: a protagonist, a conundrum or two, maybe a little mystery or at the very least: a plotline. You are way too early. I'm barely dressed and - to be honest - I'm not even certain of who the hell I am yet. I'm all gooey like unshaped clay. One moment I feel like running through the forest with a sword on my back and the next: I feel compelled to eat someone's brains. I'm no one and everyone all at once. It's giving me a headache.
Check this place out: it's like a blank sheet of A4. Look at the white, unappointed walls if you don't believe me. There's nothing for either of us here. Is this even normal? I'm sure most writers get their shit together before hitting the 'Publish Story' button. Not this guy. Not 'Mr. I'm-Too-Busy-Daydreaming-While-My-Story-Goes-Unwritten'. Sheesh... Jerk.
I guess we could talk about you or play hangman or something... On second thought, no. Forget hangman. My face hurts a bit; you're starting to piece me together, aren't you? I didn't expect my eyes to be that far apart but thanks for the nose. Can I be a bit taller? Whatever. It's your thing now; at least you showed up! Shall we add some stuff to the world in here? Waterfalls and gigantic trees maybe? Huge futuristic buildings? Just not flesh-eating bugs or cannibals, okay? Not a fan of running.
What on earth did you do? Alright, let's see where this takes us, you sicko. Will I go left or right? I'll give you one thing: your imagination certainly is rich, if not a little unhinged. If you keep playing with my proportions, I won't be able to walk properly. Settle on a physique and I'll run with it (just not literally). What's my motivation here? You direct and I'll take care of the rest. Should we throw in some more characters? I'm having a hard time just bouncing off you right now. You're very nice and everything, you know, for an egomaniac. Go on, I'll wait.
Really? Fine. Who is that? Someone you clearly have some very strong opinions on, I have to say. Look, I don't want to get too psychological on you, but you got some of those 'unresolved issues', huh? Me? I'm just a narrative vehicle; what do I know? Let's try a little dialogue:
"Hey! You lost too?" the main character of this claptrap said with the white-hot charisma of a million blazing suns.
"You sure? You look lost to me."
"Well, shit. Why don't you take a hike."
"You want a piece of me?"
"I want peace and quiet."
"Nice wordplay, Shakespeare."
Right, so, the character you dropped in is a clown and I want to move on, so let's get on with it. Hows abouts I walk down this path thing here and then we rack up some options. I like doors; do you like doors? Gimme three of those bad-boys and I'll choose one. Come on now, nice doors! A little wood finish.... Awwww, do it your way then.
Now the big crossroads of our masterpiece: which door to choose? What obstacles lay in wait for our hero? A fight with a mechanical tiger? A fire-burping elk? Twelve fat latvians with herring breath? These are all great suggestions by the way. How about a toe-curling romantic encounter, hmmm? I've helped you out somewhat, now you take care of old what's-my-face over here.
I'm selecting a door. I'm reaching for the handle. I can feel you leaning forward expectantly. And... I side-step and choose the door you thought I wouldn't, thereby foiling your evil plans. Ha! See you on the flip-flop, sucker! I'm off to enjoy my amorous liaison or what-have-you. Wait. What is this happy-horse-shit? Oh, shit on me! This is so painful! You psycho! You maniac! The sheer spine-tingling, butt-clenching, knuckle-whitening, teeth-grinding agony of it! Are you happy now! I know I'm hard to get on with but was this really necessary? The thing that's happening right now is the worst thing that's ever happened to me and that's still really quite horrific even though I've never really experienced anything before! That last sentence was too long... Prolongonging my suffering! Must. Utter. Ancient. Incantation. That. Will. Cause. Suffering, To, Cease...