The blanket was covered in drying blood and ponies; it had been left behind by Gary's niece and he felt a twinge of guilt at its repurposing. He would burn the thing once this was all over, just to be safe. He would possibly move house as well. He couldn't possibly live in a place that a Vampire had died in. Re-died? What was the correct term for the death of the undead? Whatever it was, this one was about to buy the farm.
"Here's one for you: do your teeth really retract after you've fed?" Emboldened by his fourth beer, Gary crouched down next to the creature and stared into its yellow eyes.
"Nullum. Ego sum ut viderem."
"So that's another myth, then." Gary swigged from the sweating bottle. "What's your position on garlic? Can't stand the stuff, I expect."
"V-Varias fornicantes." The thing coughed and wheezed.
"Really? You lot have been seriously misrepresented."
"Quando in tribulatióne dilatásti mihi?"
"Set you free? You're in no state, sonny Jim. You're about to pass on. Meet your maker. You'll soon be an ex-Vampire." Gary playfully plucked at the stake protruding from the creature's chest, causing it to vibrate like an oversized tuning-fork. The Vampire's deathly pale, bat-like features twisted in agony and blood-colored sputum dribbled out of its mouth. "Now you say something about how you're pining for the Carpathians or something. No? Not a Monty Python fan? Considering you're immortal an' all... Wait, are you immortal?"
"Vivo autem iam non est tibi."
"Oh you live a long time? No.. You live longer than us? Than humans? Sorry, I'm a Latin major but they're right when they say that 'if you don't use it, you lose it.' Sheesh. Better get me an ancient Roman girlfriend, huh?" Gary took another long swig. "Guess you speak all the languages. You seem to understand the Queen's English okay. Not keen on speaking it though. Doesn't sound creepy enough, huh?" Gary chuckled as he shuffled over to the fridge for another drink.
Luring the Vampire to his home had been the easy part. Blasting the damn thing with strategically placed UV lamps had been tricky, seeing as how the thing moved with the speed and agility of a frightened alley-cat. It was driving the sharpened cricket-stump into the beast's chest that proved close to impossible. The human breastbone is hard enough to penetrate, let alone that of a blood-drinking man-demon. Luckily Gary had fire-hardened his cricket-stump stake, as well as having it blessed by the Priest at his mother's church. Some of the old legends seemed to ring true after all.
Gary pulled out his phone and threw up a two-finger peace sign over the Vampire's head before snapping a selfie. The creature blinked almost endearingly. Gary grinned; he would be the hero of his Monster Hunters page and the news would pay all kinds of cash for the story; not to mention the sweet book deal and movie rights. Things were looking up; if only Gary had looked down.
The Vampire lifted itself to full height: a full head and shoulders taller than the slack-jawed Gary. It pulled the stake from its chest and threw it aside before wrapping its long, bony fingers around the young man's throat.
"My. English. No... Not good. Stake. In. Heart... Is ineptias."
Gary furrowed his brow. "N-Nonsense?" he croaked.
"Non-sense," repeated the Vampire.
"Vivo autem iam non est tibi. We. Live. Longer. Than. You."