TEXAS UFO CREATES CHAOS
An unidentified alien aircraft hovering over the Texas capitol causes chaos and area-wide evacuations
Austin, Texas (March 16, 2020) -
An unidentified alien aircraft arriving early this morning over Austin, Texas has prompted federal officials to mandate city-wide evacuations. The move has created fear and panic among the Texas capitol's residents and is responsible for at least 2000 deaths.
So far, close to one hundred of the fatalities appear to be self-inflicted while the remaining majority of deaths have occurred on the roadways as frightened motorists flee Austin by the hundreds of thousands. It is also estimated that more than two hundred people were killed by ricocheting bullets when gun owners opened fire on the aircraft.
There appears to be very little to almost no looting as most residents struggle to leave the area. However, it has also been reported that over several hundred Austinites have received text and call messages that instruct them not to be afraid and to remain calm. The messages appear to be sent in increasing numbers on the hour, every hour.
"Austin is weird, but this takes the cake," says Samir Hassan, an animal rights attorney based in Austin, Texas. Hassan explains that he received a "spooky" text message thanking him for his service and to be calm and unafraid. He has opted to remain at his downtown Austin residence with his wife and teenage children who also received similar messages.
It is speculated that Homeland Security may have accidentally activated a beta program they were developing for nation-wide citizen alerts. The exact origins of the messages remain unclear.
Orders to evacuate came from local and federal levels as the state's elected officials have fled the area. The Texas governor and his lieutenant governor have announced from Mar-a-Lago in Florida that a statement is forthcoming. It is reported that the two top officials are on the golf course with the US president. A spokesperson with the governor's office said that for security reasons, the governor, the lieutenant governor and their staff would bunker in place after the golf game and until the alien aircraft situation is resolved.
Scientists from NASA and the SETI Institute are scrambling to understand the origin, motives and mechanical design of the alien aircraft as it hovers over the South Congress Bridge near downtown Austin. Eyewitnesses say the ship is enormous and shaped like a slim funnel. It is estimated to be one mile in diameter at its base and widens to approximately three miles at its upper rim. The alien aircraft is calculated to extend three miles upward. "Satellite images reveal absolutely no movement of any kind. It's big, but it's idle, and that's the best we can expect for now as we know so little about the craft," said Dr. Shondra Washington, an astrophysicist from NASA. "We can't even pinpoint what direction it came from, much less how it got here," confirmed Yosef Levy, a xenoarchaeologist from the SETI Institute. "It just appeared."
In spite of the alien aircraft's demonstrated inactivity, it is the opinion of every law enforcement organization that residents who remain in the area are putting their lives at risk. All people in Austin, Texas and surrounding areas are ordered to evacuate in a non-disruptive manner. This newspaper concurs and will continue to update online readers.
An alien aircraft which appeared early this morning over the South Congress Bridge in Austin, Texas and prompted a city-wide evacuation has revealed its intentions through text message. The messages were received through personal cell phone by most of NASA's scientific staff, SETI's experts, a lone Texas congresswoman, and approximately 100,000 remaining Austin residents who had received earlier messages encouraging them to stay calm and in place.
The message reads as follows:
Hiya! Sorry for all the commotion, but we're here for your guano. We are open to negotiating for a fair exchange. Text GUANO to proceed.
Guano is the term given to describe bat droppings. Often found in caves, guano also collects under the South Congress Bridge in Austin where nearly 1.5 million Mexican free-tailed bats migrate and roost from March to early September. "When you pick it up, it’s beautiful. It’s the color of all the insect carcasses that they have been eating all night," explains Lee Mackenzie, co-director of the Austin Bat Refuge. "It can be iridescent and glow, and it has reds and greens and blues."
South Congress Bridge in Austin is home to the world's largest urban bat colony. The bat colony is a huge tourist attraction for Austin. It draws over 100,000 visitors annually who come to observe the evening flight of 1.5 million bats emerging from the bridge to gorge on up to 250 tons of insects nightly.
"Bridge guano is different than cave guano. It has a much lower nitrogen content," says Dr. Alicia Reyes, an Austin chiropterologist and volunteer with Bats Without Borders. Reyes also describes the similarities in the shape of the alien aircraft to the flight pattern of bats in caves when they aerate the ammonia emitted from guano. She says she has no fear of the alien craft and has already texted GUANO.
The alien aircraft has sent out a second text message coinciding with the onset of the bats' evening flight. It reads as follows:
Thanks for texting back! We're gonna be heading out pretty soon here. Got the guano. Also got that bat-killing virus all cleared up for you. Ur welcome. Will transmit negotiated exchange upon departure.
It is unclear what exchange was negotiated and by whom.
Though the city of Austin remains under mandatory evacuation, the residents who have opted to stay say they have no plans to leave. "Yeah man, this is so cool," enthuses Skeeter Hudson, a homeless 68-year-old man. "There's a lot more room now and my friends and me can stay with the bats under the bridge." Another resident says she's not going anywhere. "I'm a single mom with two jobs. I don't have time to be afraid. Besides, I believe them that they're just here for the bat poop," declares Nancy Nelson, a nursing assistant and restaurant server.
An alien aircraft that arrived earlier this morning in Austin, Texas and hovered over the South Congress Bridge bat colony has departed. It is currently hovering less than 40 miles away over the Bracken Cave outside of San Antonio. The cave is home to 15 million bats making it the largest bat colony in the world.
The alien aircraft's stated intention for the Austin visit was the collection of guano produced by the bat colony living in the crevices under the bridge. An exchange was purportedly negotiated between them and to date, still unknown human parties. The exchange itself has just recently been revealed.
At precisely 11:00pm, human beings still in the Austin area began to experience a radical, but painless, physical transformation. Body fat decreased and skeletal framework hollowed. Webs formed between every finger and toe. Ears grew into larger rounded forms. Eyesight remained the same, but echolocation abilities enhanced a different kind of vision. Human facial structure and speech communication remained the same. Recently transformed Darrel Chenoweth, a 28-year-old coder and programmer, says he got the message and was glad he did. Before flying off after a swarm of particularly succulent mosquitos, Chenoweth exclaims, "Austin is the shit, man!"