Sometimes when i get angry i have these bad thoughts. When one of my family members angers me like my brother then i just suddenly imagine myself getting him on the ground and beating him up until he tells me to stop. I get angry easily when provoked by someone. I get depressed too but i don't want anyone to know because maybe they won't understand.
One day, my mom noticed that i'm acting different when i got home that day from school. She kept asking me what was wrong but i didn't really want to tell her so i just lied and said i was just tired then she made me go to bed. I write in my notebook about you know, my life and what's been going on every day. I use it mostly like a journal. All my friends that i knew for a while are like far away from me i think so i miss them sometimes. I talk to a couple of them on social media but they don't usually get on a lot so i can't really talk to them a lot.
A long time ago when i was a baby or child i guess, my mom and dad got a divorce and they split up. My mom says it was Dad's fault that she left him for some reason and my dad says it's her fault because she got too much for him like she was getting on his nerves because He and her would get into fights and yell and i guess my dad would just do what she says so she could lay off of him. But i guess he just left her eventually. I believe my dad because my mom can be strict and bossy and mean, also would do anything to get her way like become a convincing liar.
But whether that's on topic or off i don't know. I've just been feeling depressed recently and sometimes thinking about killing myself but never actually doing it or try to. I talk to myself a lot because i don't really want to talk to anyone else about how i'm feeling or too scared too talk to anyone like my family. I still think about that day my mom abused me and i sometimes wonder why she hurt me like that. Was it my fault? I mean that's all in the past but i can't stop thinking about it. I don't know if i want to talk to her about it now and forgive her or not since everything's alright now and i don't want to make her mad by talking about it now to her.
I'm not a bad person, i'm sure of it!!! I say hi to people and i make friends and i high five people at school and i'm usually a nice and friendly guy!!! But i do have my bad days and i do get angry because that's just how i am.
Recently i have been banging my head against walls out of stress/anger i don't know exactly. i say stress and anger because of school problems and family problems. Also I've been punching things like mirrors and walls in anger. My mom has full custody over me and my brother so she lets us hang out with our father on the weekends only.
Sometimes i get called a retard from my mom and my brother sometimes but i don't believe it. My dad says i'm not mentally retarded because if i was then i guess i wouldn't really be any help to anyone. My dad's my favorite parent because he's not like my mom all grouchy and bossy, he's a pretty calm, cool, funny guy. He lets me and my brother stay up on the weekends and he's pretty chill.
I've also been thinking about what my family would do or how they would feel if i was dead and i'm not talking about suicide or anything bad like that. I'm talking about say... if i get hit by a car or get shot by someone. i have never showed anyone my journal notebooks because it's my private stuff but i know mom will probably want to look for it when she finds out about it because she's really nosy like that. My mom was pretty mean in the past to me but now she's not really as bad, she still gets mad and yells at me, my brother, and my little sister. Still has an anger problem and so does my little sister, my brother, and me so i guess anger is just in my family.
Everyone has a story, Everyone has problems, Everyone has secrets. I have problems and i guess i have a story to tell or rather i guess i am telling to you guys right now. You readers are like, the only people i'm telling my story to.
You know, me being abused in the past by my mom.... i still laugh and be happy a lot and friendly.
There's lots of bad people in the world and there's probably always going to be.
- The Racists/Racism
-Criminals like killers and robbers.
And probably more.
I get through every week just to go see my dad on the weekends. I can actually go over there and relax without mom yelling at me or hearing my mom and stepdad yell at each other and fight. I forgot to say that my mom and stepdad do fight sometimes and yell at each other. They would do it in front of my little sister and they would even cuss in front of her so i have no doubt that my sister's gonna cuss because she has been exposed to curse words A LOT. Mom and her listen to definitely not clean songs like rap songs and just songs that have cussing in them.
But things are alright now or alright as it can be. The weekends are my break from my mom and family and i like that. But it's up to mom whether i can go to dad's or not for the weekend because of court stuff i don't really understand. My dad has a girlfriend now, her name's Shannon and she's pretty nice and she's tall like my dad is. I'm happy for my dad because she makes him happy and that's pretty awesome.
Well i'm done now. I could go on still but i think that's it now. You readers are really good people are reading my stories and supporting me. Giving me tips and advice too.