I never liked myself. I thought I did but I didn´t.
I thought self love meant that you were completely fine with yourself. That you love yourself every day. That your life becomes easy and everything is great. Oh lord how wrong I was.
About a year and a half ago I got sick. I was in physical pain every day. I thought it was my fault so I kept going. I got super tired even tho I slept over eight hours every night. I was stressed about everything. I cried a lot.
Then after about six months suffering, I got a diagnosis and medication. The pain went away but I gained weight. I felt hungry all the time because of the medicine.
I got depressed about how I looked. I didn´t like myself at all. I couldn´t look myself in the mirror because I thought I was ugly. I lost my best friend because I pushed her away.
But then I realised it. If I wanted a good life, I needed to work for it. It was my job. I mean, of course I had loving and caring people around me that helped me, but I was the one who needed to learn how to love myself. If I didn´t love myself, who would?
There will always be haters. There will always be people who think you are not good enough. There will always be people who are prettier, smarter and funnier than you. But there will never be another you.
Okay, imagine this. You are hanging out with your bestfriend. Someone comes to you and starts to insult your bestfriend. You don´t like that. Of course not. You start to defend them. That´s what you do automatically. But if that bestfriend were you and the bully was also you?
You need to be your own bestfriend. You are with yourself every moment. You don´t like when someone says mean things about anyone you love. You don´t like it if someone calls your bestfriend ugly or stupid or worthless. So why would you do that to yourself? When everyone else turns their backs at you, only one left is yourself. When everyone else are untrustworthy, trust yourself. When everyone else forget to tell you that you are beautiful, good and enough, tell it to yourself.
I´m fighting that battle still everyday. I´m not having a good day everyday and I won´t. There will be shitty feelings and bad days, but I will be okay. And so will you. I´m fighting that battle everyday for myself and for everyone else that are feeling these same things that I am. And I will win.
I have been through a lot. I have had my ups and downs but I´m still here.
I´m still alive even tho I sometimes wish I weren´t. And apparently so are you because you are reading this. All I want to say is: don´t give up, you have come this far. You don´t know what the future will bring to you. It might be something bad. You might have shitty future full of events you don´t like. But it might be good. What if you will be happy, more happy than you have ever been? There is this what if. You don´t know. So hold on and keep going. Learn how to believe, trust and love yourself.