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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Love stories / Romance
- Subject: Aging / Maturity
- Published: 09/25/2020
Never marry anybody you love.
Born 1951, M, from Wilmington NC, United StatesToday is our Fortieth Wedding Anniversary. Forty years of Marriage. That, is a very long time to be with one person. One wonderful person. Surely I must have learned some things along the way…and you are correct. I did. So I shall share them with you as I look back over four decades of growth, teamwork, tears, laughter, and a journey neither of us could have foreseen.
My first piece of advice is as old as Marriage itself: Marry your best friend. It sounds simple. I would add a slightly different take on that sage advice. A bit more subtle in a way. It goes like this: “Never marry anybody you love. Marry people you like, and then learn how to love them.”
I know that sounds strange, so let me explain. If you Love somebody, but you don’t like that person, when the love fades, or even dies, the relationship is over. If you like the person, they are your best friend, well, you stay together long enough to discover (again) what made you fall in love in the first place. This cycle will repeat itself numerous times in your marriage. Until…
One day you discover that you are sharing the same soul. You don’t take your spouse for granted, it is more like you take them as much a part of your life as air, water, or food. You need the nourishment of their companionship. Even if the passion is gone and the bedroom is just for sleeping. The need for affection, trust, and laughter…never dies. It just continues to deepen and widen until just a quick look conveys volumes, a touch of the hand is all you need to face the rest of the day.
It isn’t showy, sweaty, or sickeningly sweet, it is a deep caring love filled with depths of time. And you earn it a day at a time.
Marry someone you like, and learn how to love them.
So what else have I learned in four decades with an incredible partner?
This.
I call it “The Peanut Butter and Jelly Theory of Love.” In my country, people like peanut butter on bread, or toast. Other people like Jelly on their bread or toast. The number one sandwich in my country is the PBJ. Yep. Peanut Butter and Jelly. In a relationship that works, one of you is Peanut Butter, just fine on its own, and lots of folks like it just like that. The other one of you, is Jelly. Jelly is fine all by itself too. Both are popular by themselves.
Ah, but the best sandwich is a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. Where they are both combined. They are way better together. Kathy and I have a peanut butter and jelly relationship. If you make a PBJ, it doesn’t matter how much Peanut Butter, or how much Jelly you put on the sandwich…they always go well together. AND you will always be able to tell them apart. No matter how much you mix them, the jelly and peanut butter still stand out.
In our relationship, nobody, and I mean no one, would mistake Kathy for me. Or vice versa. As close as we are, we still have our separate identities. We are peanut butter and jelly…two separate things. But put us together, and we are better in every way. That is the Peanut Butter and Jelly Theory of Love.
In todays modern world, concepts are changing seemingly overnight. Equality is a big issue, as is gender. The funny thing is that People fall in love, not genders, sexes, or ages. Gay couples find out the same kinds of things straight couples do…your partner is not you with a different face, they aren’t you period. If you see an older woman with a younger man (or the other way around) you immediately form opinions in your mind, mostly fueled by the Media and Ignorance. You don’t know those folks at all, but you judge them.
Well, guess what? You aren’t in that relationship. If they are in love, they know it. And it won’t matter about age, or sex, or gender, or education, or religion, or… you get the picture. They will have to fight for their love and place in the relationship just like anyone else. They want to make it work, and they will.
Kathy and I were told we wouldn’t make it by many of our friends and Family. Different Faiths. Different upbringing. Different Education levels. A Canadian Rural Farm Girl, meets an inner city kid from the USA. Forty years they are still together. In the beginning the only two things they had in common, both were from big families - double digit families, and they were broke.
Eventually, everyone who had thrown their two cents in as to why we wouldn’t make it, had to finally admit…we worked well together. Some of our biggest naysayers now trumpet our relationship as one they admire.
I know many marriages that work. I even know at least four that are not traditional marriages that still manage to provide family, safety, and love, to the folks in them. Humans are capable of some remarkable creative ways to stay connected. For Kathy and I , it was the old traditional way. And it works for us.
Being old and married, is much much different than being young and married. We laugh now, together. We rarely fight, when we do, it is usually over quickly because we get to the point without a ton of emotional baggage. We hold hands any time we are walking together, whether it be the beach or just from the car to the grocery store. At night we cuddle.
Note: We got rid of the couch and bought recliners. I want the couch back. LOL. The recliners are more comfortable, I have to admit that, but I liked cuddling on the couch. As Kathy says (and it makes me laugh every time): “I can’t use you as my pillow anymore, you don’t have a lap.” Things like that would hurt a young couples feelings, it just makes us giggle.
When Kathy and I spent that first night together…she told me something that made me laugh out loud:
“Kevin, you will either die in my arms, or at the end of them.”
I thought it was funny.
Now? I think it is profound.
I will die in her arms. And I will die happy.
Happy Anniversary to us.
Never marry anybody you love.(Kevin Hughes)
Today is our Fortieth Wedding Anniversary. Forty years of Marriage. That, is a very long time to be with one person. One wonderful person. Surely I must have learned some things along the way…and you are correct. I did. So I shall share them with you as I look back over four decades of growth, teamwork, tears, laughter, and a journey neither of us could have foreseen.
My first piece of advice is as old as Marriage itself: Marry your best friend. It sounds simple. I would add a slightly different take on that sage advice. A bit more subtle in a way. It goes like this: “Never marry anybody you love. Marry people you like, and then learn how to love them.”
I know that sounds strange, so let me explain. If you Love somebody, but you don’t like that person, when the love fades, or even dies, the relationship is over. If you like the person, they are your best friend, well, you stay together long enough to discover (again) what made you fall in love in the first place. This cycle will repeat itself numerous times in your marriage. Until…
One day you discover that you are sharing the same soul. You don’t take your spouse for granted, it is more like you take them as much a part of your life as air, water, or food. You need the nourishment of their companionship. Even if the passion is gone and the bedroom is just for sleeping. The need for affection, trust, and laughter…never dies. It just continues to deepen and widen until just a quick look conveys volumes, a touch of the hand is all you need to face the rest of the day.
It isn’t showy, sweaty, or sickeningly sweet, it is a deep caring love filled with depths of time. And you earn it a day at a time.
Marry someone you like, and learn how to love them.
So what else have I learned in four decades with an incredible partner?
This.
I call it “The Peanut Butter and Jelly Theory of Love.” In my country, people like peanut butter on bread, or toast. Other people like Jelly on their bread or toast. The number one sandwich in my country is the PBJ. Yep. Peanut Butter and Jelly. In a relationship that works, one of you is Peanut Butter, just fine on its own, and lots of folks like it just like that. The other one of you, is Jelly. Jelly is fine all by itself too. Both are popular by themselves.
Ah, but the best sandwich is a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. Where they are both combined. They are way better together. Kathy and I have a peanut butter and jelly relationship. If you make a PBJ, it doesn’t matter how much Peanut Butter, or how much Jelly you put on the sandwich…they always go well together. AND you will always be able to tell them apart. No matter how much you mix them, the jelly and peanut butter still stand out.
In our relationship, nobody, and I mean no one, would mistake Kathy for me. Or vice versa. As close as we are, we still have our separate identities. We are peanut butter and jelly…two separate things. But put us together, and we are better in every way. That is the Peanut Butter and Jelly Theory of Love.
In todays modern world, concepts are changing seemingly overnight. Equality is a big issue, as is gender. The funny thing is that People fall in love, not genders, sexes, or ages. Gay couples find out the same kinds of things straight couples do…your partner is not you with a different face, they aren’t you period. If you see an older woman with a younger man (or the other way around) you immediately form opinions in your mind, mostly fueled by the Media and Ignorance. You don’t know those folks at all, but you judge them.
Well, guess what? You aren’t in that relationship. If they are in love, they know it. And it won’t matter about age, or sex, or gender, or education, or religion, or… you get the picture. They will have to fight for their love and place in the relationship just like anyone else. They want to make it work, and they will.
Kathy and I were told we wouldn’t make it by many of our friends and Family. Different Faiths. Different upbringing. Different Education levels. A Canadian Rural Farm Girl, meets an inner city kid from the USA. Forty years they are still together. In the beginning the only two things they had in common, both were from big families - double digit families, and they were broke.
Eventually, everyone who had thrown their two cents in as to why we wouldn’t make it, had to finally admit…we worked well together. Some of our biggest naysayers now trumpet our relationship as one they admire.
I know many marriages that work. I even know at least four that are not traditional marriages that still manage to provide family, safety, and love, to the folks in them. Humans are capable of some remarkable creative ways to stay connected. For Kathy and I , it was the old traditional way. And it works for us.
Being old and married, is much much different than being young and married. We laugh now, together. We rarely fight, when we do, it is usually over quickly because we get to the point without a ton of emotional baggage. We hold hands any time we are walking together, whether it be the beach or just from the car to the grocery store. At night we cuddle.
Note: We got rid of the couch and bought recliners. I want the couch back. LOL. The recliners are more comfortable, I have to admit that, but I liked cuddling on the couch. As Kathy says (and it makes me laugh every time): “I can’t use you as my pillow anymore, you don’t have a lap.” Things like that would hurt a young couples feelings, it just makes us giggle.
When Kathy and I spent that first night together…she told me something that made me laugh out loud:
“Kevin, you will either die in my arms, or at the end of them.”
I thought it was funny.
Now? I think it is profound.
I will die in her arms. And I will die happy.
Happy Anniversary to us.
Gail Moore
09/25/2020HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to you both. Enjoy your special day :-) Awesome story :-)
Thank you for all your wonderful stories :-)
Help Us Understand What's Happening
Kevin Hughes
09/26/2020Thanks Gail, another ten and we hit fifty years...after that, well, it is all gravy! LOL
Smiles, Kevin
Help Us Understand What's Happening
JD
09/25/2020There's some great wisdom about relationships in your story, Kevin. The title definitely creates some concern and confusion, and may be a little off-putting to some, but I like the way you explain it. And your PB&J sandwich analogy was superb. Thank you for sharing your marriage tips and wisdom with us, and Happy Anniversary to you both! :-)
ReplyHelp Us Understand What's Happening
Kevin Hughes
09/26/2020Thanks JD,
We gave a card to each other today...and they were almost identical sentiments. LOL I cried when I read Kathy's writing to me. "You are not going to get all mushy are you? For crying out loud." Yep...you gotta love those tough rural Canadian Women. LOL
Smiles, Kevin
COMMENTS (2)