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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Survival / Success
- Subject: Survival / Healing / Renewal
- Published: 09/28/2020
The Hole by - prisoner #38933-018
Born 1975, M, from Federal Correctional Institution, Salters, SC, United StatesI know that I exist. Not because I think clearly. Not because I do important things. Certainly not because I have a sense of purpose. No, I know that I exist because I breathe, take in food, take in drink, expel waste; and sometimes have thoughts that would make sense to others.
I've reached the sixth month mark of my stay in the Special Housing Unit (SHU). What federal inmates like myself commonly refer to as the "hole." The SHU consists of a steel toilet/sink combo, steel bunkbed, steel desk with stool, and a tiny steel shower. My mat is about an inch thick and causes discomfort in my neck, back and hips. Everything in the SHU is designed for punishment.
Last night I had a dream of a raven or crow. It was a large bird, like the one Poe had perched above his chamber door. I followed the bird into a dark forest. She led me from tree to tree, deeper into the woods. Finally, she perched on a tree limb by a pond. I sat down and watched her for awhile. I got up to leave and realized I was lost. The crow had led me in but not out. I was trapped in the forest. All my dreams are like this, a combination of free world and incarceration. A few weeks ago I dreamed of being in a huge Mall, but all the doors were locked. An officer guarded each exit.
I'm in the SHU for "refusing to provide a urine sample." In truth, I just have a hard time urinating in front of an officer. I was just unable to go. My shy bladder has increased my security level and I am waiting to transfer to a maximum security penitentiary. Again, because I have a shy bladder!
I do not know the time. There are no clocks. I do know it is raining. Not because I see the rain. In the SHU all the cell windows are blocked out. The coating on the windows does allow in light. I can tell whether it is day or night. I know it is raining because I can hear the drops hitting the window. I cannot even see the rain!
I would have transferred months ago but Covid-19 has stopped most of the bus runs. So, I am stuck with my steel toilet and word search puzzles. I think of family, old friends, old loves. These thoughts let me know that I still exist.
Night is my favorite time in the SHU. Finally, the harsh lights go dim for a few hours. I feel a little bit of peace at night. I lose myself in thought and in dreams. Sometimes thought and dream blur. I am back in the forest. Just hoping that beautiful raven refrains from croaking, "Nevermore."
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