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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Drama / Human Interest
- Subject: Relationships
- Published: 02/05/2021
Tanya
Born 1960, F, from San Carlos de Bariloche, ArgentinaNote that this story takes place in three parts, all of which are included here. (The second and third part have been recently added.)
First Part
Tanya finally picks up the courage to take a holiday. She’d been praying to God that she’d find a residence for older people somewhere, preferably La Cumbre, Córdoba. A week later she googled and to her surprise found a newly opened place in precisely La Cumbre, not far from the older residence where she’d broken her leg in some years ago. She booked herself in for 25 days and found it truly beautiful, way up in the hills, quiet with only birdsong in the air.
The main house is colonial style with ample bedrooms and bright living areas, piano and table games included. Tanya fell in love with Los Mimbres immediately. The menu was mostly vegetarian, to her surprise. Just about all the administrators were vegetarian. She took long walks accompanied by one of the staff or the owner, went to quaint tea houses in La Cumbre or other pretty towns in the Punilla Valley.
Tanya had a glorious stay, felt like a queen. Then one morning she woke up and felt something odd. What was the matter? She felt lonely. There was only one other lady at Los Mimbres; the place had just been inaugurated. Carola was deaf and had dementia, repeated the same story over about twice in ten minutes. Tanya felt sorry for her, but she was no company. So she decided to do something unexpected of her.
One evening, Tanya walked out the gate to a bar in town, sat down on a high stool and asked for a beer. The atmosphere was hazy, with dim lights and quite a crowd. A woman sang at the open mic, "Love me like there’s no Tomorrow". Exactly what Tanya adored, Freddie’s songs. She was delighted and sang along with plenty of others. Queen is very popular in Argentina, people know the lyrics in English perfectly. The band had visited Buenos Aires under the military dictatorship. Those brutal guys had wanted to show themselves open minded and modern.
Soon enough, a middle aged man sat on the stool next to her and began small talk. He asked for another beer for both of them. Before long, they found all sorts of interests in common, such as riding, bridge, theatre, reading and writing. He introduced himself as Ricardo. They arranged to take a walk the following morning.
Tanya knew very little about this Ricardo. She didn’t care at all, whatever happened was not going to stop her, she felt lonely and old. A middle aged guy taking an interest in her was exactly what she needed. They took a path bordering a brook up into the hills, sat by a waterfall, ate their picnic of berries, beer and sandwiches. Ricardo said he was divorced with two boys who went to university. He lived in the city of Córdoba and had a bungalow in La Cumbre. He invited her to come over and have supper the next day. Tanya accepted and they continued on up the shady path.
Ricardo told her that he was a retired Navy Commander. He had served during the war with the British over Malvinas (Falkland Islands). That was when he’d been promoted to Commander-in-Chief by the drunken General Galtieri who had started the bloody ridiculous war. When Galtieri was overthrown and democracy finally came to Argentina, after nearly 30 years of brutal dictatorship, with a few democratic periods that didn’t last long, Ricardo continued his Navy career.
Tanya became curious about his career in the Navy; so many people had disappeared during those infamous decades. Dark thoughts arose in her mind: had he taken part in the tortures with picanas, rapes, stolen babies and other horrendous acts? He seemed so nice, but so did all of them and so did many Nazis. The Argentine forces had been trained in Germany. Tanya knew many people who’d been snatched from their homes in the wee hours of the morning; some were never heard of again.
Hundreds of intellectuals, writers, philosophers and psychologists had lived in exile during the dictatorships. Her own two sons, Robert and then Patrick, had left either to study or travel. Those were dark times, during the so-called dirty war.
Tanya asked Ricardo his surname, with the intention of googling him later in the quiet of her home. Meanwhile, she chatted with the intention of finding out more about his past. Not much arose, save that his surname was Reddel. That struck a bell for Tanya, because one of her first husband’s best friends was an Alfredo Reddel, who committed suicide after his wife discovered that he spent weekends on an estancia with some gay friends with whom he had intimate relationships. At that time homosexuals were persecuted, discriminated or even killed. Alfredo’s wife had told Tanya that her husband had had sexual encounters with Roberto (her own ex-husband) during late adolescence. It had shocked Tanya and turned their marriage ever more sour by the day.
So Tanya had plenty of data to do some research. The rest of the walk was mostly silent and they parted with the agreement that they would have supper the following night. Perhaps. Tanya couldn’t wait to get to her computer. She almost ran home and sat down in front of it with a tumbler of beer. She typed in Ricardo’s name, but only what she expected turned up, that he’d been a captain in the navy during the dirty war. This news didn’t mean he’d been guilty of anything per se, but she planned to bring up the subject at supper.
For some reason she remembered a first cousin of hers who’d disappeared during the regimen’s hold on Argentina. Ralph Clutterbuck. He’d been on his way to play golf and his car had been blocked by a Ford Falcon, the infamous vehicles used by kidnappers and the regimen to capture people. Ralph had been pulled from his car and forced into the Ford. A ransom of 500.000 dollars was demanded from his family over the phone. They’d agreed to leave the money wherever the kidnappers wanted, but after several failed attempts no more was heard from them. Many false trails were followed by the police, but then it turned out that the kidnappers had actually belonged to the police force. Ralph’s son had then taken over with a private secret service to find his father. For many years he persevered but nothing ever turned up. His father was never heard from again.
To her surprise, Tanya now discovered that it was exactly 30 years to the day that Ralph had disappeared. The local papers had headlines about it, with long articles and even an interview with his son. Strange coincidence. But that didn’t help at all, she was looking for clues to Ricardo’s life during the dictatorship. It would have to wait until their meeting at his bungalow.
Tanya was extremely coquettish, so she picked out a fairly tight blue dress. She’d never lost her slender silhouette. She made up her face carefully and wore slim high heels. Ricardo greeted her with enthusiasm; he’d put on some lovely music and his home was tidy and tastefully decorated. Tanya had expected the place to be orderly, Ricardo being a navy man. He didn’t waste time, the table was set and they sat down right away. He’d turned out to be an excellent cook, there were ravioli with a delicious fileto sauce with mushrooms and spices. The wine was vintage and he’d lit candles. Tanya thought he looked handsome in his casual clothes, so they conversed lightly for a while until Tanya picked up the courage to ask more personal questions.
-Where were you stationed before the Malvinas war?, she asked him.
-Always in Ushuaia (Tierra del Fuego), he answered. Never anywhere else, except during conscription, when I was sent up north to Tucumán.
-That’s where the guerrillas hid out in the forests and were attacked by the military, right? Asked Tanya.
-Yes, but that was after my military service.
-You don’t mind my asking a personal question?
-No, go ahead, replied Ricardo.
-When did you marry, have kids and divorce?
-Our marriage went downhill after three years, I’m afraid. Disturbing for Lía and Kevin. They blamed me and only wanted to stay with their mother. It was the darkest period of my life, except when my friend Alfredo committed suicide.
-Alfredo? Reddel? Asked Tanya.
-Yes, did you know him? Ricardo was surprised.
-He was a friend of my first husband’s. Turned out he was bisexual and had been hiding out with men at his retreat in La Pampa province. His wife told me that he’d also had sexual encounters with my husband, in their teens. You can imagine how that really made our marriage sour. I was so young, it was a shock.
-I understand, what a coincidence that we both knew him. His suicide also disturbed my kids because we were related. The news was splattered all over the newspapers since he was a well known businessman.
-Right, and then followed the kidnapping of my cousin Ralph Clutterbuck. What times…
-Ralph was your cousin?! Asked Ricardo, surprised.
-Yes, my uncle’s older son. My mother’s brother was a Clutterbuck.
-But I knew Ralph very well, we played golf together. Such a tragedy, his wife never got over that. I know how his son kept on looking for him for decades. You must have been devastated.
-Oh, no, we were not at all close. He was very rich and we only went to his splashy anniversary celebrations, not for any festivities. The parties were horribly boring, we’d slip away as soon as possible. His brother Peter was far more friendly, he helped me out during difficult times. We’d even had a short romance when quite young. He died quite young of cancer. His wife disliked me, probably she’d heard of our affair.
-By the way, asked Ricardo, did you have lots of boyfriends? You are such an attractive woman, you must have been beautiful as a girl. Will you give me some photos?
-Sure, next time.
-So they’ll be a next time? laughed Ricardo.
-If you want it.
By this time they were sitting on the divan having coffee and liqueur. He put his arm around Tanya’s shoulders and stroked her neck. The last time she’d had an affair with a younger man was during her thirties, when she was being taught Tai Chi Chuan by a man in his forties. He also gave her massage because she’d developed Fibromyalgia while caring for her second husband during his dementia. One day he simply began kissing Tanya’s breasts and she let him. It went on until she was forced to put her husband in a nursing home.
Soon after Tanya interned her husband, the “massage man” became too domineering, wanted the key to her flat and other privileges. So one day, she simply said “See ya” and then never called him again. Never.
Tanya and Ricardo went for many excursions together. She fell in love with him and he seemed to be head over heels in love with her. He was so attentive and kind. Before long, they became lovers. She prolonged her visit to La Cumbre and one day Ricardo asked her to come and live with him in his bungalow. She was hesitant, but gave in. She was soon writing a column for the local newspaper and making several new friends. Time spent at the small office was enjoyable. Tanya was finally doing what she was good at.
It was not until a year later, that she began chatting with a friend at the office about the previous dictatorships. This new friend had managed to escape from a Naval detention center, after going through unspeakable physical and psychological tortures for about eight months. Daniela's baby had been snatched from her right after the birth. She never saw her husband, the baby's father, again. He was one of the "disappeared".
Tanya was shocked. She knew about the "baby snatching", but had never met a real case. Daniela seemed as if she wanted to confide in her, so Tanya listened, trying not to upset her by asking questions.
- My torturer was an important man, high up in the hierarchy of the Navy, Daniela began. -These guys had no qualms about going down to the basement and watching or participating in our suffering.
Tanya felt enormous sympathy for her, didn't know what to say. She kept silent and kept listenning.
-Admiral Ricardo Reddel was a handsome guy, but one of the cruelest of our torturers, continued Daniela. He never left off visiting me and hurting me in the worst possible ways.
-What? Did you say Ricardo Reddel, Tanya almost screamed at her.
-Yes, of course, he was well known down there in that shadowy basement.
Tanya felt she was fainting. Daniela noticed her palor and brought her some water.
-What is it, Tanya?
- I can't say, it's horrible, what you've just told me. I have to do something important, report a man to the authorities of the Criminal Investigation Department. I'm living with him...Tanya couldn't go on, she was sobbing and shaking, out of control.
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Second Part
Daniela held Tanya in her arms. Her friend was shivering and speaking what appeared to be nonsense.
-Spend the night at my house, offered Daniela. At least you’ll be safe and might get some sleep.
As Tanya gave no answer and continued uttering strange words, Daniela managed to walk her to her car and drove her to her own home. She offered her supper, but Tanya would only drink a little water. So they sat on the sofa and Daniela switched on the TV.
After some commercials, the State TV came on with the day’s news. They were both exhausted and payed little attention. Tanya had dropped off to sleep.
Suddenly, Daniela was startled. The President, Cristina Kirchner, was making one of her daily speeches, which tended to last an hour. This time, however, she began by saying that she’d formed a Criminal Investigation Group to investigate former dictators and their underlings or collaborators.
It turned out that these powerful men, and many women, were going on trial for their actions during the “dirty war”. Daniela’s mouth dropped open. She’d never liked the president, but this was something she absolutely agreed with. It was going to be a bombshell. The president who had taken over after the dictator Galtieri resigned due to the fiasco of the war with Britain over the Falkand War, had had to negotiate with the bastards in the regime, because otherwise another Armed Forces guy would have taken over…again. That president, Alfonsín, was much criticized for having negotiated, although he was later considered a hero. He had done the same as in Spain, where Franco had decided who would rule the country, that’s to say, the Monarchy, but skipping one generation. Neither Franco nor his powerful regime were brought to trial, it was all a negotiation.
When Tanya awoke, Daniela explained to her what she’d heard.
-You can report Ricardo to the government! You need not be afraid any more. I heard the president announce it.
- That’s rubbish, said Tanya. He’ll get at me somehow, I have nowhere to hide.
-You stay with me. I’ll help you handle it. You don’t need a lawyer, the State provides them.
-Give me time, I’m not ready to report Ricardo. I’m shocked, but I was, or am, still in love with him.
Tanya began to shiver again.
-OK, give yourself time, but meanwhile you stay with me. I’ll lend you clothes and all you need; you can’t go home or to Ricardo’s bungalow now.
After about a month, Tanya picked up the courage to see a lawyer to defend her cause. There were, of course, thousands of people who were doing the same. It would be a drawn out process. The irony, she thought, the dictatorships, all of them, had been called “El Proceso”.
To cut a long and tragic story short, all or nearly all the previous dictators were given life sentences, Ricardo included. Daniela and the lawyer had seen to it that Tanya remain safe. It meant that she could start a new life after her harrowing experience and shock at being married to a Nazi of the Armed Forces of Argentina.
A long time passed before Tanya could return to her own home, but she finally did. With Daniela’s encouragement, she even began a new social life, low key at the most. She could not forget her experiences.
First of all, Tanya decided to get a job. She was able to get a well payed one at a pharmaceutical company, as a bilingual secretary. She was relieved and working made her forget almost everything. She felt nearly normal, but soon after she began to get panic attacks. Tanya felt ashamed and didn’t tell anybody, but she would walk all the way home, which was quite far. She didn’t dare take the subway or crowded buses.
One day, out of the blue, another secretary told her about a grand ball that was to be held at a smart residence in an elite neighborhood of Buenos Aires. Tanya had no intention of going; she had nobody to go with.
-I know of a guy who is divorced, said Susan, the other secretary. He’s a veterinarian, I’m sure you’ll hit it off.
-I’m not feeling up to it.
-Oh yes you are, I know him well, he lives on the same street as I do. He also has his clinic for pets there. You love dogs and cats!
-There’s time, I’ll think about it.
-Well, don’t think too long, he’ll find someone else!
Not long after, Tanya had a call from somebody called Thomas. He spoke English and invited her to the ball. He said a neighbor called Susan had asked him to. Tanya was taken aback, this was too fast for her. So she mumbled something about being busy, to call her back.
Sure enough, Thomas called back. Tanya had no energy nor excuses left, so she accepted. Knowing that he had a veterinary clinic made him sound all right.
He picked her up punctually and on the way to the ball. He told her that he was 38 years old and was divorced, without children. Tanya was surprised at the age difference between them, which was 13 years. The occasion went off fine, but Thomas danced far too close for Tanya’s comfort. She pushed him off. She told him she’d take a cab home. Thomas insisted, he said that was out of the question, too dangerous; he would drop her off himself.
On the way home, Thomas drove through the woods of Palermo, where many couples make love. The area is called “Villa Cariño”, something like “Villa for Lovers”. Thomas made light conversation and then put his hand on her knee. She pushed it off, but before she could react, he was kissing her and she sort of responded; or her body did because she knew she wasn’t attracted to him. They had sex, right there in the back of the car. He drove her home and they agreed to meet again. Tanya was not feeling happy; her thoughts were jumbled, but mainly she felt kind of unclean…
Not long after, the inevitable happened. Tanya’s menstruation missed and did not come back. She was devastated and had no idea who to confide in. Morning sickness and over powering drowsiness hit her, all at once. She couldn’t concentrate at work, kept nodding off until she finally resigned. The important salary came to an end abruptly.
Tanya finally picked up courage and told Thomas. He appeared surprised, but then said that they could marry by proxy, via Mexico. He was a divorced person, so re-marrying was out of the question in those days, in Argentina. Mexico would give them an outward sheen of respectability. So it was all arranged, done. Tanya had to move into Thomas’s home, where both his parents lived, as it was their own property. She had no other choice.
The arrangement did not work well. Her mother-in-law was bossy and seemed slightly out of her mind. She kept giving orders to Tanya and her cooking was awful. Her father-in-law helped and was the better cook, but he spent months on an estancia, far away on the pampas. The old house was enormous and more so because the veterinary clinic was adjoined to it. Thomas expected her to assist him with the pets, answer the phone, clean and lots more.
Before long, Tanya realized that Thomas was not even honest and didn’t like pets. Turned out he’d studied veterinary medicine to please his Dad, who wanted him to work out on the estancia. He had no intention of doing that; to his Dad’s shock, he’d set up office in their home. While helping him, soon Tanya discovered that he was an outright cheat; he slipped needles under the pets’ furs, but never injected anything into them, not even the rabies shots. He’d dishonestly acquired some metal tabs for the owners to hang from their pets’ collars.
Tanya’s first baby, a girl, arrived after 8 months. Thomas and his family made a show of how strong and healthy she was, having arrived a month early and looking delightfully chubby. Tanya breast fed her and, soon enough, her mother-in-law said that only animals breast feed their offspring. Thomas, who was now showing what a bad tempered man he was, told his mother to shove off, which she and her husband did soon after, having bought their own apartment.
And so it went, though Tanya had become good natured and loved her baby, she almost hated her husband. Two more babes arrived, both boys. By then, Thomas was showing psychopathic tendencies, though Tanya didn’t know much about psychology. She was only scared and worried about her future and her three kids.
One day, when her children were adolescents, Tanya decided to go to college and finish getting her degree in Journalism. Thomas was livid and threatened her with all manner of reprisals. It took her a lot of courage, but she managed to get a half day job and began university during the evening courses. Not long after, Thomas said he was going to take shooting lessons at a local State range and then buy a gun. He said he was going to shoot her and all three children.
It had come to this. It was then that Tanya went to see a recommended therapist; her desperation had brought back her panic attacks. The sessions went well, her therapist told her that she should act fast; there were no preliminary, drawn out meetings. He said that in cases like hers, she could lie and use all manner of subterfuges to get away from Thomas, fast. Tanya could only mumble that Thomas wanted to leave Argentina to settle in Spain, where his diploma would be legitimate. It was before the European Union.
Soon enough, Tanya told Thomas that she’d go and live with him in Spain; he could sell the property and buy another one over there. Bravely and without knowing whether he’d consent, she said she’d only go if the new acquisitions in Spain would be in both of their names. It turned out, as she later learned about borderline personalities, that he agreed tamely. So the property was sold, along with all the furniture, and they flew over to Spain. Tanya even helped Thomas find an appropriate house on the island of Mallorca; and a separate veterinary clinic, which had to be inspected and certified by the Palma de Mallorca authorities.
Sadly, Tanya loved Mallorca. Their house had a beautiful view of the Santa Ponsa bay, where tourists congregated, but not too many. The sailboats and sea birds added to the serenity of it all. But Tanya felt that there was no room on the island for herself and Thomas. She had to get home to Argentina.
Her ruse was to tell him that she needed to fetch several items of importance that they´d left behind. So she flew back, never to return, despite his nightly phone calls, during which he threatened all manner of reprisals and that he’d fetch her and perhaps murder her.
Some months later, Tanya met a man at university, where she’d returned. He was of Swiss and Italian parents and spoke English, Spanish and several other languages. His name was Carlos and he offered to take her home after the night school, where they both studied Journalism. They hit it off splendidly. He often took her down the main avenue in downtown Buenos Aires, where they’d pick up bargain books, mainly for their studies.
Soon after they married. They were so much in love that it didn’t take long to decide. It was sort of a perfect marriage, with only a few arguments here and there. Tanya thought her life was finally settled. Neither of them wanted children.
One night the phone rang, long distance. It was her son Patrick, who was studying Literature in Salamanca, Spain, as well as teaching to help make ends meet.
-Mom, I’m not well. I have MND.
-What? What is MND?
-Too difficult to explain. The scientific name is Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis.
-I’m afraid I’ve never heard of that, is it serious, Patrick?
-Yes, extremely serious. I have to return home, can’t care for myself any more.
-What? Is it that bad? Asked Tanya, shocked.
-Yes, it is. Please fly over and fetch me.
-Of course, I’ll book the first flight available.
Tanya slumped down on the floor. She never remembered for how long. Sometime during the night, she booked a flight to Spain the same day. Patrick’s father, Thomas, had not bothered to help him. When Tanya arrived at Salamanca, she found Patrick looking very ill and shockingly thin. His words were not clear, but she could understand him. It took her a whole day to pack up his belongings and book the flight home. Meanwhile, she tried to show all the love and understanding she could to Patrick. He was in shock, the neurologist had told him he had only about 6 to 12 months to live, as he’d gotten the worst kind of MND, called the Bulbar variety.
They arrived at Buenos Aires and meanwhile Carlos had prepared the spare room for Patrick. It was all arranged perfectly. Patrick showed a little enthusiasm at being home again. Carlos had also done a lot of research on MND and had lots of pamphlets on nutrition, care, etc. It was useful but upsetting for all of them. They had to take on two assistants to help out, as Patrick needed 24 hour care.
With lots of love and proper care, Patrick was able to get his Diploma long distance. It cheered him up no end. But his girlfriend, whom he’d met up with again, soon left him. Over the next four years, Patrick was able to teach at his old school, using a speech program. But this also came to an end. Early one morning, as Tanya was dozing by his side, he closed his eyes for the last time, peacefully.
There was a funeral at the British cemetery’s Chapel. Tanya had to sit down in a corner, she felt a panic attack and faintness coming on. After the short ceremony, she picked up courage and walked with Carlos to the burial ground. All she ever remembered, was that a friend played the guitar and somebody sang.
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Eventually, Tanya went back to university, encouraged by Carlos. Her panic attacks continued and she had to take anti-anxiety pills before each exam or when standing in front of the class. They both graduated the same year. Carlos was immediately offered an important post at a national newspaper, but Tanya was not up to it. She had a strange feeling that something worse was going to happen, nothing she could put her finger on. So much had already happened…
Not long after, Tanya noticed that Carlos began to be forgetful and misplace things. He would lose his keys and finally got lost walking around. Local people would bring him back. Tanya knew at once that he had Alzheimer’s, which was confirmed by a neurologist. The blow was unbearable. Tanya had to employ assistants, again. She had not even finished mourning for Patrick. The result was that she developed Fibromyalgia, a painful muscular disease. It was unbearable at first, she could hardly get out of bed, but with her usual fighting spirit, she did. She cared for Carlos, with help. After seven years, Carlos died on the day of Epiphany, January 6th.
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Third Part
SORROW
When you were yet a child, so dear to me,
tummy flat upon the rug, finger on a book
to read the lines, your lips a babbling brook,
my heart went out to you, my busy bumble-bee.
I loved those hours, filled with joyous play,
loved your curly hair and sturdy limbs
so quick your favorite branch to climb.
There were no better times or happier days
that now I sit beside your arms upon the quilt,
so motionless, their lifeline out of symmetry,
and cannot grasp the ingrate chronology,
must hide my face awhile, with tears of guilt.
Yet still I marvel at the gallant spirit in you,
understand the battle in those dimming eyes
and guess your nameless sorrow, the solitude,
youth’s body wasted frail his soul to heaven rise.
To Patrick (1968-1998)
(Motor Neurone Disease)
Nomen Nescio
I am the shadow of a woman outlined
in a time that was not my own.
A halo of pale light traces me
in other people’s yesterdays.
I’m barely a crystal skeleton,
transparency of bones gnawed at by the years.
A dismembered body
in the recollection of tattered memories.
Requiem for lives that might have been.
I am nobody.
I am matter borrowed by spirits flown to oblivion,
debris hurtling down an endless toboggan.
Weary of my body’s empty shell,
I wait at the end of a bleak passage
for you to come.
You pick up my bones from the tatty carpet.
You rebuild me.
You take me in your arms, wrapped in a handkerchief
soaked in my tears.
Serenely, stooping over a faraway sea,
you deposit my preterit body
in a place where wind and salt
transmute souls into pearls of infinite value.
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