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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Teens
- Theme: Fairy Tales & Fantasy
- Subject: Novels
- Published: 07/07/2021
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Erf
The Infinite Realm
Volume One
By
Donald Harry Roberts
Contents
About Erf
Erf
The Infinite Realm
A Preamble
By
Fankle Blatherskite
My Adventures In Erf
An Unexpected Interlude
The Carnival Of Erf
Aders Drin
And
Journey Through Yukersnok Mire
Another Unexpected Journey
Into Yukersnok
Part One
The Gateway To Yukersnok City
Part Two
In Yukersnok City
The Grand And Mystical Adventures
Of
Logan And Parker
The Fantastilistic Twisticated Adventures
Of
Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff
The Earl Of Pantagrueliopolis
Copyright 2020 By Donald Harry Roberts
All Rights Reserved
This exploration into the imagination is dedicated to kids of all ages.
Have fun even if you are entering your second childhood, still practicing your first childhood or simply never managed to abandon the kid in you.
About Erf
The existence of Erf has been debated since the first glimmer of human imagination emerged from the depths of nowhere. Whether it is an actual realm outside the confines of this mundane scape we call The Reality has also been under debate since the first time the mind’s capacity to imagine was examined under the microscope of doubt.
It is doubtful the debate will ever end but for those who make that journey into Erf, The Infinite Realm there remains absolutely no doubt that just beyond the fringe of Mundanie one may trip, slide, fall, wander, skid, drift or jump through a puddle in the rain into that wonderous land where we Mundanie are called Skyfallers.
Lastly, there is no singular description of Erf because every pair of eyes that sees it, sees it differently, and the adventure the carriers of those eyes have experienced is endless.
Erf
The Infinite Realm
A Preamble
By
Fankle Blatherskite
Aye: Tis a quandarsome query when one sets out to weave together the complexities of Erf, and most who try usually go stark raving mad, mad, mad or become so disillusioned with the whole concept of Erf that they become angry and stuff the whole thing in a category shared by Flat Earth and Hollow Earth. both of which may well be part of Erf.
One of the first ponderances investigators approach is the question, “Where is Erf. It seems that people need to have some pin-point location for a place to make it real. Well that might be difficult because even folks who have visited this whimsical, mystical, mythical, multi-damfrantic configuration of existence can give only a single direction. With a wave of their hand, “It’s over yonder there.”
Erf began, some time ago though no one really knows when or what the circumstances of its making ambiguously is/was. Some suggest it started out as a simple, single patch of turf created by someone trying to escape from a life of misery. Others believe it has always been there and is made up of components like little islands all connected yet existing independently, maybe bound together in the vast Sea of Void within the realm of the imagination which is infinite because that place in the mind that holds the imagination is like walking into a small tent and a city expands before you and the further in you go the more it expands until it’s time to leave and the visitor comes back to Mundanieland.
One might ask, if one seems never have had the opportunity to visit Erf, “How does a body find Erf.”
Before I explain this I must inform you that absolutely everyone has, however unknowingly, visited Erf, but most forget the experience.
Visiting Erf generally happens by chance, by falling through a portal of some sort. That is why we Mundanies are called Skyfaller. We literally fall into Erf through Erf’s sky, somehow landing safely but it’s different for everyone and depends on the circumstances of the event. For Donald Harry Roberts who penned and is still penning “My Adventures In Erf”, it was an accident while working as a pin setter in a bowling alley. He fell into the pin pit and landed on a mound of hay in an Erf Farmyard. He wrote about his experiences in Erf without permission from The King and there has been a warrant sent out for his capture, but that is a two way bandi-clash because Donald is searching for the King to knock him off his self-styled, self- coronated pedestal because Donald, as many do, does not believe he has the right to be there.
Then, of course, there are those who have done something nasty who fall into the Yukersnok Mire, of which there are two current tales in the Tome entitled, The Chronicles of Erf.
In support of Erf having always existed and Skyfallers simply discovered it whole and functional quite by accident there are indigenous creatures that inhabit its vast scape, none of whom are Mundanie though some are much like us with twisted variations and apparitions of mythology and have apparently visited us here in the mundanest of realities. But there are some that believe the creation of Erf occurred in the autumn of 1962 by the author of My Adventures In Erf himself and it is all a figment of his imagination that somehow expanded allowing other Skyfallers to drop in through their own versions of a portal. I doubt it will ever be known which version of its creation is correct and in the long run it really doesn’t matter. It exists and anyone with an imagination can find their personal portal into this wonderful, majestical, magical, mythical, weird world. Nasty folks, as I have alluded to are sometimes summoned and land in Yukersnok Mire. Which is most difficult to escape if you are not willing to pay the price for your indiscretion, which can be very alarming in nature if the Lord Earl of Yukersnok so chooses. I suppose it depends on how bad your misdeed is.
As for the King. Well, that’s a conundrum of confusion since he is not the King of Erf, only King of the Skyfallers, but has gained a kind of control over Erf by some means of sorceristic manipulationing…or she… no one has ever met this elusive monarch, but I have never heard of a girl king. No one knows where to find him and it seems he is omnipresent and sees everything that goes on in Erf and presents his special Skyfallers with an Earldom over one of Erfs infinite fragments, or facets of existence I prefer to describe as Islands enmeshed by silver threads of thought, yet floating independently on the infinite Sea of Emptiness, which is not really empty but seems so when looked at through dull unimaginative eyes.
Do you remember that time when you tripped on something but when you looked to see what it was there was nothing there? Well, chances are it was a portal into Erf and if you would have toppled over you would have fallen into Erf and had a grand old adventure.
And, I should reveal, there is another mysticism on this subject.
Remember the time you were walking along, going somewhere when suddenly you’re there but you can’t remember the walk even though it was quite a distance. Well, guess what. You probably visited Erf, but under those circumstances, few ever remember the experience except the knowing of ‘Well something happened, but what?”
And of course, there is the dream portal which almost everyone has experienced but writes it off as, “JUST A DREAM.”
I could go on and on about Erf until I have written an epic volume, however, if I did that, there would be nothing left to learn about this marvelicious world and what fun would that be? I think you would have more fun reading My Adventures In Erf and The Chronicles Of Erf penned by Donald Harry Roberts and Various guest writers.
In a last flurry of burbling, I highly recommend that the next time you get the chance to be a Skyfaller take it unless of course you are the wicked type and land in Yukersnok Mire by no choice of your own. That really is a nasty, nasty place.
If you have been wondering who I am well…keep wondering, Fankle Blatherskite is my ‘Pen Name’ because I am not about to reveal my identity any time soon. Just know that when you find a story penned in the third person I am most likely to be the narrator. Other first-person stories may show up written by authors other than Donald of course, which my part in it will merely be the editor. Nothing gets publish before going through me first.
And so, I bid you adieu and maybe we shall meet one day in Erf, but don’t look for me or count on it. It will certainly be an accidental crossing of paths and very brief.
My Adventures In Erf
By
Donald Harry Roberts
A Brief Ramble
Are you going to believe my story? Probably not BECAUSE I know even though it happened to me I have a hard time believing. Nonetheless I will tell you of my adventure in the really weird magical mystical nonsensical land of Erf. I am old now and my goal is to find my way back there for of all the places I have visited in my Gypsy ways Erf is the only one that I ever felt right in. I think it is one of those places one might call Kingdom At the End Of The World, where one needs a very special passport to enter.
Chapter One
I was 11 years old, blond, blue eyed, 4 feet 11 inches in height and in excellent shape owing to my job of 2 years that kept me in better shape than any PE class or modern day gym club. I worked as a pin setter in a bowling alley and was responsible for six lanes. I ran. I jumped and I climbed. I worked Thursday and Friday evening for adult 10 pin leagues, two leagues each night and Saturday morning for a kids 5 pin league. I think I had one of the best paying kid’s jobs in town, certainly better than the pittance received for delivering newspapers. With tips I could take home 28 dollars weekly which was good for part time 1962 at any age.
It was Friday, June 22nd. Two days after my eleventh birthday. I ran home straight after school and ate the supper Mother had put out for me before she went off to work at the photo studio where she was a colourist. I don’t remember now what the fare was but probably beams and wieners, which was common for Fridays.
Then I headed downtown, crossing the town bridged at a galloping speed, along Dundas St. two blocks and up the stairs to the bowling alley. Mr. Gay was dressing the lanes as always and greeted me cheerfully. He liked me mostly because I always showed up and I was always on time for the 5 o’clock league of six teams, one on each lane and four bowlers to a team.
By 4:45 I was all set up, water, sweat towel and two sandwiches Mrs. Gay always made for me for between league snacks. The pins were all set for the first game. I had actually managed to train the bowlers to perform their skills so that I had a pin setting system that kept the games moving as quickly as possible, another aspect Mr. Gay liked about my work. Bowlers were already arriving and getting ready for the last league games of the season, the Play Offs, which included a party after, which I could not attend because it was an adult affair, which meant alcoholic beverages.
But I was fairly compensated because the league president always presented me with a bonus. But things went way out to left field that night, half way through the second of three games.
I was on lane six waiting for Mr. Rollman to pull one of his timely strikes where the head pin always popped into the air and backwards. If I could catch the pin in my feet, which I got really good at, Mr. Rollman would give me fifty cents at the end of the night. In fact, I got fifty cents for every head pin I picked out of mid-air, sometimes ten over the night. Mr. Rollman wound up and rolled the perfect strike ball. I positioned myself to catch it but as I reached out with my feet I slid off the running deck, flipped over backwards and crashed head first into the pin pit. And that my friends is where things got weird, magical, mystical and utterly nonsensical.
I said I crashed into the bottom of the pin pit, which should have happened, but it didn’t. Instead I fell into a blackness so thick I could not see my hand in front of my face and believe me I waved it vigorously several times which leads you to understand I fell for quite a while, at least it seemed that way but it could have been only a few heart beats, but you know how things slow down when things like this happen. How many times have you fallen and felt like you were going down in slow motion, until you hit bottom and crash and it starts to hurt. Fortunately, when I crashed I was not on hard ground. It was into a big fluffy mound of hay.
I suppose this is where I am going lose some of you readers who are now rolling your eyes and getting ready to click me off. Well I guess its TTFN then but you’re going to be missing out, especially that little spark of you that is still a kid and still believes in magic.
To those who are deciding to stay on and enjoy my adventure vicariously from the comfort of your reading chair, let us continue on.
Now to recap. I landed in a fluffy mound of hay startling three jersey milk cows chewing their cud. You can imagine my surprise/alarm when one of them said in very clear and plain English. “Oh, my Jorgina and Petra. Something has crushed our dinner.”
“A human boy.” Said the speaker whose name was Matilda.
“What happened? Where…where am I?” I heard myself ask.
A very quick crowing voice came in answer. “Erf. You are in Erf you foolish human. Where else would you be?” Said the Black Rooster in a very annoyed voice. “You nearly landed on me and I would have been crushed had I not been very quick to jump from the mound.”
“Oh Mr. Crowly. Don’t be so mean. I am sure the boy did not mean to try and land on you. You know how these things happen. Humans have no idea what is happening to them until they land and even then they ask stupid and confused questions.” Matilda came to my defense.
“Well. We should send him up to see Farmer Bigoldman before he gets into any more trouble or manages to start trouble. He doesn’t look much like a farm boy.”
“You are right. I am not a farm boy. I work in a bowling alley and I fell…. here.” I replied anxiously and I must admit I was really confused and a little scared.
“Here. Here.” This time it was a barking voice and a large black and tan dog of no particular breed appeared from the other side of the hay mound.
“I will take him up to the farm house. It is my job to keep an eye on intruders…ah guests, after all.”
“Good. Get him out of here before he gets up to any human boy shenanigans.” Crowed Mr. Crowly.
“This way.” Barked the dog in a rather Scottishy brogue if indeed such is possible. He then moved behind me and nudged me with his nose, in the middle of my back. He was not a small dog since his nose stood 2 feet 6 inches or there abouts, from the ground.
“What is your name Boy? I need to know so I can introduce you properly to Farmer Armstrong and his Mrs.” Asked the Dog.
“Donald.” I began. Most people called me Donny, but I hated that, and I wasn’t really a Don, so I introduced myself with my whole name. “Donald Harry Roberts.”
“Well Donald, Donald Harry Roberts. Where have you fallen from besides out of clear air?”
“I was at work setting pins in a bowling alley when I fell, straight through the floor into the blackness. Obviously, you know where I landed.” I answered, and then asked. “And who exactly are you?”
“Why I am Mr. Ruffus, head of security here on at Armstrong Farm. I thought everyone knew that.” The dog replied indignantly.
“You have forgotten already Mr. Ruffus. I am a complete stranger here.”
“Yes. I suppose you are and can be forgiven for not knowing such a commonly known individual as myself.”
We came around the barn and climbed a long hill to its grassy crest. Away in the distance, beyond a valley and at the crest of a green knoll stood house or should I call it a Castle of huge proportions since even at a distance it was enormous.
“That must be a mile away.” I said.
“And then some Donald, Donald Harry Roberts.”
I had to chuckle. “Just call me Donald, Mr. Ruffus.” “Ah. I forgot. Humans have multiple names but why is beyond me.”
But that my friends was only a small part of my mounting awe as I looked ahead. As if talking cows, rooster and a dog weren’t enough to put my mind reeling there appeared in the sky above the castle something just too amazing for my mind to grasp in the first seconds that I saw it. The only thing I could do was stare.”
Chapter Two
LOL. I can hear you thinking; “Yah sure, here we go with the dragons or monsters or some other kind of mythical wicked nasty beast.”
Well you don’t quite have it right.
What I saw hovering over the castle was a humongous bird that was all blue and white and not at all strange to me except its size. A bird I have always been amazed by. It was a Great Blue Herron. The most beautiful bird I had ever seen. I saw four at my grandfather’s place in the woods.
It circled over the castle several times then with majestic gracefulness it banked east and flew off into the growing darkness.
“Will it come back?” I asked Mr. Ruffus.
“It comes round now and then, when Farmer Armstrong beckons it.” The dog answered.
I looked all about for a long while as we strolled casually toward the castle. Finally, I asked. “Where on Earth am I?”
“Well. You are not on earth, exactly. This is Erf, The Infinite Realm to be precise and this region is Rolling Downs. Farmer Armstrong is the Overlord.”
At that age I only had a vague idea what an Overlord was, and it was not particularly good. The word itself sounded ominous. I think Mr. Ruffus sensed my concern and quickly added.
“As Overlords go he is fair enough with his tenants.”
“Are you a tenant?”
“Lordy loverbugs I should say not. Animals are not tenants or servants. We live among Twoleggers because it is convenient. In turn we provide them with small services.”
“Are there many Twoleggers here? I inquired. The answer was disturbing.
“Where there is one Twolegger there are whole villages. Farmer Armstrong is a rare bird since there is only him and his wife and they only have three off springs. Most mated ones have at least seven and up to twenty.”
“You make us sound like rats.”
“Not even close. I love rat. They are actually quite tasty.”
“You eat each other?” I responded with surprise.
“Not all Fourleggers here are intelligent, Rodents for example. And bugs, for the most part.”
“So, if an animal can’t talk then they are open game?”
“Crudely put but not inaccurate.” Mr. Ruffus replied.
A few seconds later I heard Ruffus chuckled. He was joking with me. He finally said. “Most Humans that live here came here like you. They fell out of the sky with no idea how. Farmer Armstrong came nearly fifty years ago.”
I laughed and scratched Mr. Ruffus’s ears and he let a low growl escape his muzzle and continued as we walked along I decide that Erf might not be a bad place to be if I had to be somewhere else besides home. But I was mystified how I got there from a pin pit in down town Trenton. To this day I never found the answer.
We came at last to the wrought iron gate entering the castle grounds. It was attended by two giant bears which I later learned were of the Kodiak family.
They nodded officially at Mr. Ruffus and pulled the double gate open with ease and silence. Not a squeak or creek did they give though it was obvious they had hung there for countless years, generations maybe.
“Do bears talk?” I asked when were well on our way along the green way arched by enormous oak, maple and elm trees.
“They can if they have a mind to, but bears are more thinkers than talkers and only speak when there is something worth saying, except for cubs who never shut up unless sound asleep or eating.” Mr. Ruffus answered in a most amiable way.
We passed out of the canopy of trees onto a half moon shaped staging area where several carriages were parked, each drawn by magnificent golden draught horses. The carriages were worthy of royalty gilded in gold, silver and various gems in a rainbow of colours.
Standing by each of the carriages were men clad in uniforms that reminded me of hotel doormen. They were all chatting and smoking long stemmed pipes with carved bowls, many of which were images of mythical beasts.
“Farmer Armstrong must be an important person. More important than his title would indicate.” I noted remembering that Overlords by any other name were Lords of The Manor, earls and Viscounts, Marquis and even dukes. Thank you Miss Ruckstal.” My fourth grade social studies teacher.
“Well favoured would be a better analogy Donald. He is well known for his hospitality toward travelers, especially of royal descent. I believe he has visions of one day being more than an Overlord, but such things can take a life time to achieve.” Mr. Ruffus explained thoughtfully. “Does that go for dogs and cows and roosters?” I queried?”
“We animals are what we are, but we do have our own hierarchy among the different species. I for example began as a shepherd’s dog fresh out of puppyhood but was not long in learning the bettering of Farm Security. Now I command twelve guard dogs and someday, well, I may reach the station of Alpha.”
We came to the bottom of the steps leading up to the massive oak doors of the castle entrance way. I counted 39 steps and wondered if that was significant remembering that 39 was part of the numerical sequence advancing to 13 x 13 which then equals 169.
I shrugged my shoulder and began the ascent with Ruffus lagging a step or two behind. I wondered why since he had been right at my side until then.
I counted the steps as we climbed and much to my weariness discovered that they numbered 169. But when I reached the top I counted them again and only got 39.
I quizzed Ruffus about this but now he would not speak.
Next he dropped to walking on all four paws and that intelligent glint in his rich golden eyes dimmed but did not completely fade.
Two guards stood at the door. They reminded me of two of the three musketeers and I was tempted to make a joke but thought better of it when one glared at me, then Mr. Ruffus, who lowered his head subserviently.
When the doors opened, and we began to enter the castle one of the musketeers stepped in front of Mr. Ruffus. “You were told not to return until you apologies for insulting The Earl Of Sheepland.”
“I did, profusely.” Mr. Rufus replied in a low unfriendly growl.
“Leave him be.” I said forcefully. He is my escort and you will treat him with respect.”
The guard frowned but nodded and stepped back. “Yes, My Lord. As you will.”
When we were inside and had a moment alone I said. “That was interesting being called My Lord. What does it mean?”
“You will see soon enough Donald, Donald Harry Roberts.” Ruffus replied then added, I mean My Lord Donald, Donald Harry Roberts.” There was a strong hint of humour in his tone.
“Now what do we do?” I asked quite loudly, glancing about the foyer curiously.
“You come this way.” A voice came out of a shadow. “It was a soft purring voice owned by a Lioness of such a golden hue upon her fur that I felt blinded for an instant.
Chapter Three
She was scary. There was a natural sardonic grin on her lips enhanced by long glittering white fangs. “Lord Armstrong is in the drawing room with guests My Lord Donald.” She growled with a hint of contempt. Then her gaze turned to Mr. Ruffus and her expression softened. “It is pleasant to see you here again Ruffus. Our Overlord has been asking after you.”
“Agat.my dear. If you recall, it was he that banished me from the Manor.” Mr. Ruffus snarled.
The Lioness smiled brightly. “Only because he had to put on a show for the Earl of Sheepland. He was actually quite amused and agreed with your analogy of ‘The Bum.”
I was eleven years old. All this bantering should have gone over my head, but it didn’t. I understood exactly what these two were talking about and realized that we, who had fallen out of the sky were not necessarily in good standing with the indigenous inhabitants of Erf.
“If you two could save your chatter until we get me squared away I would be forever grateful.”
“Both faced me and bowed their heads. “Yes, My Lord.” They recited in unison.
Then Mr. Ruffus came near and whispered. “Don’t get cocky kid. Things are changing.”
“I don’t get it.” I answered.
Finally, Agat directed me to the drawing room door but did not go in. As I pushed the door and entered the drawing room and saw my hosts I nearly blurted out a roar of laughter. Fortunately, I managed to arrest the urge, which was a feat for an eleven year old kid.
These men, of various ages were all decked out in frilly finery more suited to a ladies fashion show than a gathering of Lords and Overlords and semi royal dignitaries, with the exception of one. Lord Armstrong who was aptly dressed for what he was. A farmer. Best yet, as I will explain. I knew him.
I could hardly believe my eyes.
Once, when my family lived in a rented house on a farm Mr. Armstrong, the very same one that was an Erf Overlord was a farm hand where the cattle were beef cows. He used to answer all my questions no matter how many I asked, or how fast and he use to ride me around on the tractor in his lap and allow me to steer, sort of. I was four and five. We moved to town when I started school.
As I crossed the room he looked toward me, and I saw a glint in his old blue eyes. No smile of course. Mr. Armstrong never smiled and rarely got out of sounding grumpy. Though he was never really grumpy.
As I got close he said accusingly, in a friendly sort of way. So, what mischief do you get into to get yourself here?”
“I don’t know. I was at work setting pins at Mr. Gay’s Bowling alley, then I fell, then I was here.”
“Ah. A workin man were you. That’s good. You already know what doing a job is.”
“Were?” I replied.
“Well kid. Something happened to you back there that got you here and falling out of the sky.”
“Does that mean I am dead or something?”
“Well, or something at least. If you never leave you’re probably dead back there but if you leave well you are probably something other than dead.”
“Ok, but for now I am here, and everyone is calling me Lord Donald.”
“Don’t take it too seriously kid. It’s probably going to be short lived. There’s a big Coup going on. The animal folk seem to think us sky fallers are getting to big for our britches and need a little disciplining.”
It occurred to me that one place wasn’t much different than another. No matter where you go conflict is bound to follow or be there waiting for you. I was beginning to feel a lot older than my 11 years and that if I weren’t dead it would be a good time to fall up through the sky again. But that did not happen. My adventures in Erf had barely begun.
“So, what happens now? I asked curtly.
“That is what this meeting is all about. We are the Overlords.” Mr. Armstrong was saying.
“Wait. Who made us Overlords of a place we all just fell out of the sky to?”
“The King of course.” Mr. Armstrong answered.
“Is the king a sky faller?”
“He is.” Mr. Armstrong answered suspiciously. What are you thinking?”
“Oh nothing.” I told Mr. Armstrong but I had a great deal on my mind, stuff that the Skyfaller Overlords would not approve of.
Mr. Armstrong had gone back to the meeting but kept an eye on me. There was a skirmish of angry words thrown back and forth among the Overlords but absolutely nothing was getting resolved.
“Excuse me. Excuse me.” I interrupted.
The room fell silent.
“Who among you was the last to see and speak with the king, who should be the one resolving whatever situation has arisen.
“Well. No one of us has ever seen the king, but we have all been spoken to by him, as you will be once he becomes aware you are here.”
“What. No one has ever seen him. How do know he exists or that he has the authority to make you Overlords?”
“Because he said so. We all heard him say it.” Someone shouted out.
“What do the animals say about it?” I asked harshly.
“Well. Not anything good. They say we have no right to claim anything here, but we are the superior species so that gives us the right. That is to organize land ownership. The animals just wandered about with no one in charge and no one to decide what is best for the land.” Overlord Bastch who was a crop farmer explained.
I rolled my eyes and left the room. Obviously, there was little point in trying to change any minds in that crowd.
Mr. Ruffus. Lady Agat. Can we talk for a moment. I can see why you are not of kindly minds toward the Skyfallers. I would not be if I were one of you. I think I can change things but first I need to find the Skyfaller King. For that I will need your help.”
“Why should we trust another Skyfaller?” The Lioness challenged.
“I had to think about my answer for several minutes. Then I replied. “Because they are adults set in their ways of order and rule. I am just a kid and my mind has not been closed.”
Mr. Ruffus and Lady Agat both studied me for a long time, then each other for as long then turned their gaze back to me. As one they said. “Your words seem to make sense, but there is a problem. We do not know where this Skyfaller King lives, nor do I think do the Overlords. Whenever we have asked they just wave and say, “Over that way.” And point in no particular direction.” Lady Agat described.
“He will be speaking to me soon I am told. I will ask for an audience, or barring that ask where he lives.” I suggested. “In the meantime, a map of Erf would come in handy. Maybe would, could take an educated guess.”
Chapter Four
Waiting. I have never liked waiting, especially as a boy and with nothing to do but wait. I couldn’t help but wonder who got my job at the bowling alley and whether I was in a coma, just knocked out or dead. It was a lot for my 11 year old mind to handle but I managed.
I was also a little disappointed with Mr. Armstrong until two days later when he found me in the barn inspecting the stalls. I had just picked up a pitch fork when he came in saying. “I see you still love the farm life. I sensed it when we were riding on the tractor.” His smile was broad and warm. I knew right then that the old Mr. Armstrong I knew and loved was still there.
“I am trying to understand all this Mr. Armstrong and some of it is sinking in but it is really, really weird and I am a little frightened to think I might be dead.” I said as I began turning the straw in the stall. “But I am more concerned about what we are doing here. It seems our presence is not welcomed or at least how we have been conducting ourselves. We seem to be taking over or trying to. And from what I have heard the animals are beginning to get a little frazzled about the invasion.”
“Which is why you, Agat, Mr. Ruffus and myself are going to find the King. I think he needs dethroning.”
“When do we start?” I asked enthusiastically.
“Just as soon as we know where to find him. He should be contacting you at any time now and giving you your designation. Which translates to, what Overlord you will be.” answered Mr. Armstrong. “I have a plan to discovering at least the direction in which we should begin our search.” He added.
I was glad to learn that my old friend had not become the ogre I first suspected.
“We don’t belong here Donald. At least not in any capacity that would impact Erf and the balance it enjoyed until we started falling out of the sky, hence becoming Skyfallers to the indigenous folk here.”
I was smiling from ear to ear as Mr. Armstrong shared his wisdom. Lots of thoughts went through my mind but he had always insisted that I listen first then talk after. So, I waited until he was finished to say, “How did we start falling from the sky?” I asked.
“Don’t know for sure but I think it I would call it the Rabbit Hole effect.”
I laughed because I knew exactly what he meant but put in. “But all that was nonsense made up by a man with a really big and weird imagination.”
“Are you sure it was made up? How do you know it wasn’t very real? Just as real as this is for you.”
I had to ponder that question for quite some time, and I think in fact it has only been recently that I stitched together a plausible response.
Soon came the very next morning when myself and my three companions were sitting around a campfire sipping tea and coffee and keeping much to our own thoughts.
Suddenly, someone called my name and my head snapped up so that I was looking sky ward. Then when the voice continued it seemed to come from the north east of Mr. Armstrong’s hay barn.
“Welcome to Erf Lord Donald. Your presence is much welcomed for we are in much need of an Overlord for the Carnival, where there are rides and games and entertainment abound.”
“Very well but I must see you before I take my place. It is very important for I bear a message from, from…Mr. Gay.” I was making it up as I went along.
“Really. What would he want with me?”
“You only find out when I deliver it to you personally or should I say, in person.”
All of a sudden Erf was filled with laughter. “Clever boy. Liar, liar. I know no one named Mr. Gay. You are trying to trick me.”
I had to think quick since I was caught in my ploy.
“Oh, very well. I lied but the truth is,” I decided to play on the King’s Vanity; “I want to see your magnificence, The First Skyfaller and the Skyfaller who claimed Erf for all who falls in.”
I guess I laid it on a little thick but for all my efforts he didn’t fall for that either.
“Enough. I have offered you your Overlord ship and now you must take it if you wish to survive here in Erf. Without position you will simply be a Gypsy whom no one, not Skyfaller or Animal will like.”
I took the cue. “So be it Mr. Self-appointed King. I will be an outcast in your game.”
I heard Mr. Armstrong whisper. “We are good boy. I have a direction to begin with and your Gypsiness will afford us the leave to wander where we will. Well done kid.”
“Then be gone brat. I will find another more worthy. A girl. Yes. A girl to Oversee my Carnival.” Said the King angrily. “Bother brats that waste my time when I have offered them a place of position here.” Rumbled from a dark cloud away to the north and deep into the sky.
“So. Even I can see he hides in the sky to the north of here.” Said I.
“On the contrary my boy. That is but a reflection. His stead is in fact away to the south and east, directly opposite to north and west where lies the magnetic pole, no matter what land you are visiting.” Mr. Armstrong redirected my thoughts.
“When shall we begin our search?” Asked Mr. Ruffus. “As soon as we are ready my friend. I believe our way shall meander greatly so we should prepare for a longish if not very long treadalong.” answered Mr. Armstrong.
And at that we each went to gather the things we thought we might need on the journey. I was suddenly very glad of my training a boy cub and for once took its motto seriously. “Be Prepared.” And that meant for anything.
I will not bore you with the long drawn out details of the contents of my travel pack. Suffice to say that I had imagined the whole affair as a worst case scenario and prepared accordingly. You can use your own imagination, but I will tell you it included an Erf version of a Swiss army knife and a sling shot made of an oaky and a strong strip of rubbery stuff made of chewed tree gum.
We reconvened late in the afternoon and decided to mark our departure the next morning after a good night’s sleep.
For the remainder of the afternoon, until supper time I wandered about talking to the animals who by then had heard of our plan and were quite delighted.
I did not sleep well that night. My brain wouldn’t shut off. I didn’t want to fall asleep because I was afraid that if I did when I woke up Erf would be gone or, or nothing, whatever comes when you die. I guess my eleven year old mind still had visions of heaven and hell, angels and little red men with horns tails and fiery pitchforks.
But I did eventually drift off and I dreamed that I was at my job in the bowling alley, setting pins and learning from Mr. Gay how to dress the lanes between leagues.
I woke just before dawn to the sound of something scratching at the door of my sleeping room.
Chapter Five
The scratching at my door wakened me with a start. At first I thought it might be Lady Agat or Mr. Ruffus but then realized they would have knocked.
My heart began to pound, and I was on the verge of crying out when the door creaked open and the rooster strutted in.
“It is time to get up Donald.” He said in his crowing voice. “The others are already at breakfast.”
Instead of screaming I broke out in a hearty, belly deep laugh.
“Very well. I will be there in a few minutes.” I finally managed to say after nearly a full minute rapt in laughter.
I scrambled from my bed and dressed as quickly as possible, snatched up my ravel pack and hurried outside. The first edge of the sun had just crested the horizon. I can’t say why but I was feeling really good, or should I say really positive. Maybe it had to do with waking up in the same place I went to sleep which made me feel a little more secure.
The others were sitting at a picnic table gobbling down a feast. I baled in and started devouring everything within reach. There was no meat which did not surprise me though I had visions of crisp bacon and eggs dancing in my head. But there were plenty of nuts and cheese and bread and fruits and honey and jams, so I forgot about my carnivorous tendencies quickly.
When my stomach was stuffed I filled a grub bag and tied it to my belt for walking food. In case you are too old to recall. Eleven year olds’ are always hungry.
When Mr. Armstrong, Mr. Ruffus and I set out it felt to me that we were short of a full company. Four would have felt better so I invited the Crowly to join us, but he refused profusely. “I cannot leave the farm. It’s not safe. People, Skyfallers out there eat critters like me.”
“Very well. I am sure we will come up with a fourth member to make out numbers even. Odd numbers are, well, odd and seldom help to keep things balanced.” I replied.
I walked in the middle. Mr. Armstrong was on my left and Mr. Ruffus on my right. I don’t know why it happened that way but throughout our journey it remained that way, even later when a fourth member joined out entourage, who took up a position a pace or two behind me. But our fourth did not join us for quite a while.
By Mr. Armstrong’s direction we set off south and east, crossing grazing fields at an angle since it seemed all the fields were perfectly square ten acre lots and nicely lined up like a checker board. I advise you to remember this for a reference point later in my story.
We had walked for only an hour when we came to the fence gate that exited Mr. Armstrong’s farm. As we passed through it I sense a certain melancholy in my old mentor, but when I inquired about it he answered, “I miss a lots of things about my time before becoming a Skyfaller, but mostly I miss my old tractor. Life seemed so simple when I rode about on it, just watching the day cruise by. And I miss those summer days when you and I would ride together. After you moved away things got lonely then one day I fell off the tractor and landed here.”
“I fell too, off the running ramp at the bowling alley, into the pin pit. I wonder if all Skyfallers actual fall before they get here?”
Ahead, at first there was only a wide meadow but when we were all through the gate the farm faded, and we found ourselves at the edge of a forest with the wide meadow behind us. My head swirled a little and, much to my surprise Mr. Ruffus was down on all fours and just a dog, a smart one but still just a dog.
“Well.” Said I. “It seems your farm has something magical about it Mr. Armstrong.”
“Indeed.” Mr. Armstrong who, much to my surprise was no longer and old man but a boy about my own age.
Mr. Armstrong checked himself over thoroughly. “Now this is a boon. I hope it will last. I don’t like being old. Everything hurts all the time, though one does get used to it.”
“So, what do I call you now that we are both boys?” I asked.
“Mr. Armstrong of course. I still have all the memories I gathered over the years.”
“I suppose that is something to consider but you can’t call me Kid anymore.” I replied with a strong hint of humour.”
I gazed into the shadows of the forest for a minute and like the forest across the road from the old farm house we lived in before moving to town it sent waves of curiosity and excitement through me.
“Do you think there will be wolves in there?” I asked Mr. Armstrong.
Mr. Ruffus barked as though in answer. Funny how I still understood him. “YES!”
Forests are forests are forests, are forests. NOT
At first the trees were like any other trees in any other forest but after only a few strides under its canopy the trees twisted up like old men and women and seemed to breath just like us.
Not that trees don’t breathe everywhere but not so as humans can hear. In this forest I could hear the air, in, out, in, out. But that was only a small part of the magic of this woodland.
As we delved deeper into the shadows, a green and golden colour rather than dark and grey, a sense of knowing whispered from the leaves and branches and far off we could hear the howl of wolves. And suddenly Mr. Ruffus was on his hind legs, half wolf and half man, but not as you might be thinking, a werewolf.
“It seems I am prone to change.” Said Mr. Ruffus.
“Indeed.” Replied Mr. Armstrong to which Mr. Ruffus re-replied. “As you seem to be as well Mr. Armstrong.”
“Yes, and I think I might know why.” Mr. Armstrong said with a brushing of sadness.
And there I stood. Exactly as I was from the beginning. An eleven year old kid, completely unchanged. “I guess I will remain just me, no matter what happens to everything around me.”
“That could be good news.” Replied Mr. Armstrong.
“How do you think?” I asked.
“Mr. Armstrong thought for a moment and was about to answer but never got the chance.
“A shriek filled the air. The limbs of the trees quivered with fear. The air rippled with a horrible stench. Mr. Ruffus’s hackles stood on end and Mr. Armstrong screamed a scream that curdled my blood.
Chapter Six
It might have been several minutes, or seconds that passed as we all stood there glancing fearfully here and there, cranking out necks to the breaking point trying to discover the host of that hellatious shriek.
When it came again, this time closer I nearly jumped out of my skin.
And then.
I did not know whether I should run, wet my trousers or laugh when over a knoll came a Witch, clad in a black windswept draping gown, a pointed black, stereo-typical witch’s hat and of all the confounding things one can imagine, she was riding a broom.
When she was nearer still she shrieked again only this time there were ugly words etched into the sound.
“Turn back and go home Donald Harry Roberts, you ugly little man or I will turn you into something horrible.
I laughed, though a little nervously. Mr. Armstrong said in warning voice. “Be careful boy. She might seem ridiculous, but she is still a witch and you could end up laughing on the other side of your face.”
“I stopped laughing, outwardly, but my belly continued to ripple as I chuckled inwardly.
I have to tell you I was a cocky kid especially when adults decided I needed threatening, like my grade one teacher who tried time and time again to intimidate me with her vicious little strap. She never could make me cry and I even managed to control the wincing. It really upset her when I would pull my hand away and the strap would hit her leg full force. The Witch on the broom kind of reminded me of that teacher, including the frizzy white hair.
“Since she can fly around on a broom I suppose she can turn me into something nasty and ugly.” I said to Mr. Armstrong.
“That my Boy is Crystal, Queen of the Sand Witches, Empress of The Desert. She can cast just about any kind of spell she wants with that Witch-willow Wand of hers, though she can mix a spell brew without it just as well.” Mr. Armstrong replied in a worried voice. “And believe me kid she has no bones about using her powers.” He added. Then after a few seconds he said, “We would be wise for now to employ a strong degree of diplomacy and appeal to her softer disposition and vanity.”
“You mean suck up to her.” I replied.
“That is exactly what he means, and he is right.” Mr. Ruffus spoke up…quietly.
“Like I said, her frizzy hair stuck out around her hat and flowed in kinky waves about two feet behind her. Then as she got close enough that I could see her face I could hardly believe what I saw. She was beautiful, a scary kind of beautiful but beautiful nonetheless, though at that age I was not sure what to think of it. Beauty, to an old man and to an 11 year old is quite different. Her beauty then was a little hollywoodish, like Jane and Marilyn.
I don’t know what got into me as she came close and hovered a few feet away and just over our heads, but I stepped forward and asked in my best childish awe. “Are you a beautiful movie star?”
The beautiful part hit the mark, but she asked curiously and sincerely, “Whatever is a movie?”
I tried to explain the technicalities of a movie in my own way of understanding but that went over her head, so I put it this way. “It’s like a dream that shows up on a wall and you can watch it from a chair several feet away.”
“And I shine like a star in this dream of yours?” The Sand Witch Queen replied.
“Exactly.” I replied.
“Well how nice. You are probably lying just so I won’t turn you into a slug or something just as vile and slimy but I like it anyway so you can keep your little boy shape for now.”
She paused for a moment staring at Mr. Armstrong then said. “Why have you left your farm old man? You are master there but not here.”
“We are out looking for the King.” Mr. Armstrong answered truthfully.
“Did it not occur to you to ask permission to cross my Empire?” Queen Crystal asked in a threatening tone.
“Nope.” I answered. “It never even crossed my mind.” My voice came out in a spurt of brave defiance though I was quivering a little on the inside, afraid I would undo the little good I had done by tickling the Queen’s vanity. “All I am thinking about is finding the Skyfaller King.”
“Ah. That King. No one, not even I have has ever seen him, though everyone has heard him, the wretched clod.” Replied the queen.
I felt like saying, “It can’t be any worse than your shrieking,” but I kept it to myself and asked instead. “Will you give us leave to cross your Empire of Sand?”
“You won’t find him here.” The Queen replied.
“Correct, but he may be somewhere beyond your realm to the east.” Mr. Armstrong suggested.
“You could go around.” The Queen teased.
And about then I started getting frustrated with the game because the fact is I hate these kind of games.
“Yes or no Queen Crystal.” I interjected abruptly.
The Queen sneered at me for a few seconds then let out a evilish cackle and said. “Well you do have some stuff in you kid. Yes. You may cross the desert but go in a straight line and try not to disturb my subjects. Of course, you will have to watch out for the Sandman and the Sand vipers and the sink holes and the shifting dunes.” She warned then cackled again and flew away.
“That went pretty good.” Mr. Ruffus said with a sigh of relief. “It seems Queen Crystal has taken a liking to you, kid, but don’t let it go to your head. She is evil through and through and her heart is as dark as night. I am sure she has an ulterior motive for being nice.” Mr. Armstrong advised.
“All that matters is we can cross the desert with her blessing, but from the sound of it her blessing doesn’t do much to protect us from the indigenous critters.” I countered. “And I think I know what she wants. I think she wants to meet the Skyfaller King.”
A desert is a desert is a desert is a desert, no matter what kind of world you are scampering about. The Queen’s desert was hot and windy, and the sand made our feet sweat through our boots. I could almost see the dunes drifting like huge waves curling in slow motion. If the circumstances had been a little different the whole experience would have been fun, but we were on a mission and any thought of sand boarding or skiing had to be set aside.
Something crashed. It came down from the clearest blue sky I had ever seen.
“Thunder.” I asked.
We had just crested a dune when suddenly the sand began to shift and far below was a swirling hole from which emerged a monster of gigantic proportions. I don’t like guns, but I would have given a lot for Mr. Armstrong’s old double barrel shot gun just then.
The beast twisted through the sand up the dune toward us. Its maw open wide and a deep groaning sound emanating from deep in its belly.
“We may be finished before we start.” Mr. Ruffus growled.
Chapter Seven
Kids of 11 years might think of getting eaten by big ugly monsters, but they don’t really consider that they might die in the process…not really and I was no different. So as the sand beast came toward us my mind was work furiously to find a way out and the only thing that came to mind is start wishing. After all, this was a magical place and in magical places wishes had to mean something. So, I wished for help…from anyone, or thing.
The beast reared up and was about to descend upon us and gobble us down the hatch but at that very instant a blazing flash of light struck the creature hard and square in the head.
I opened my eyes having been knocked senseless from the concussion of the blazing flash of light. It took me a second to realize I was not dead or that I had not been swallowed by the sand beast. And then my eyes perceived something so terrifyingly beautiful all I could do was lay there and gawk at our benefactor of life.
“I really do hate Sand Squirmier. They have minds but no couth and will eat anything. Not because they are hungry but just because they can. All they need is sand.” She said in a musical voice not quite befitting her appearance.
Her scales were the blue of ice at sunset and her breast was coated in blue sapphire gems. He eyes were that blue that is nearly black though her pupils were the colour of molten lava. And her wings were silver beneath and sky blue on top. Her talons were like finely honed sabers and her fangs gleamed white and came to a point as sharp as the sharpest sewing needle.
But as I stared she transformed in the most demure looking lady clad in calico and the only thing blue about her was the necklace of sapphires about her neck.
“Sometimes what you wish for does not come in a way you intended.” She said as she reached out her delicate hand to help me up.
“I wished for help but had no concept of how it would come. I simply believed it would because Erf is a magical place and wishes are magical things.” I replied wistfully.
“I am Dezeray, Princess of Sandcastle City.” She introduced herself with a light curtsy.
“Is everyone there a were dragon?” I asked and immediately Mr. Armstrong and Mr. Ruffus cringed.
“Dezeray’s eyes flared for a second then calmed. With an understanding smile she explained. “Using the term were dragon could get you burned to a crisp young man. We are Erfite Changlings. Were dragons are pitch black and despicable creatures worse even than the Sandbeasts.”
“My apologies Princess Dezeray. I am quite new to Erf and…”
“I know and you are quite the phenomenon here because in all the history of Skyfallers you are the first child to fall and children, no matter where they come from are still learning to walk in life.
I forgive you this trespass of errors but now that you know I suggest you never call another changeling a were dragon.”
“I shall not.” I replied.
“Now you can tell me why you are trespassing on our turf in Erf.” The Princess asked officially.
“We travel in search of the Skyfaller King.” I answered cautiously.
“And what do you want of him?”
I cleared my throat and pointedly replied. “To stop him from destroying Erf.”
Princess Dezeray smiled warmly and replied. “A noble quest but none has ever seen this King of Skyfallers, and many believe he is a figment of over imaginings.”
“If that is the case I shall attempt to prove it. Then I will search for whoever it is that is ruining this perfect and magical place.” I responded confidently though most adults would have heard it as boastful ranting.
“Then I give you leave to continue your journey across the desert but please, first, come visit Sandcastle City.” The Princess granted and invited.
“We would be most delighted.” I accepted in my most adult imitation, adding a slight bow from the waist.
The Princess transformed once again into her dragon form only this time she was much larger, large enough to pick all three of ‘us’ up in her talons and soar easily into the sky. It was really quite amazing to be flying over the vast spread of the desert. From such heights we could see Sandcastle City away to the east and in the north there rose another structure and I knew it in my heart to be the fortress of The Queen Sandwitch.
I tried to talk to Mr. Armstrong, but the wind howled, drowning out my voice. I decided my thoughts could wait and settled with marveling at the wonders and magic of Erf.
Reality is a relative thing. As I look back on my adventures in Erf and the world of accepted reality I am convinced that perception is the core of reality and perceptions change constantly, sometimes very quickly and sometimes as slow as molasses in winter. Take for example the reality of flat earth verses spherical earth or polytheisms and monotheisms, and then there is the ever titillating ponderings of extra-terrestrial intelligence which is the extreme of reality being relative to perception.
I remember pondering, as I soared above the desert of Erf clutched gently in the razor sharp talons of a Princess dragon, “Which is the true reality, here or setting pins in a bowling alley?” My young mind could perceive no explanation for the pondering, so I set it aside and enjoyed the ride, real or imagined.
We circled high above Sandcastle City for several minutes then began a slow spiral descent. I watched the city grow and stretch to great distances in every direction. I was amazed that a wall at least 3 metres in height surrounded the entire city and guess its circumference had to be a hundred miles. I learned later that my guess fell way short of its true length.
Inside the wall were dozens and dozens of streets avenues causeways byways and alley ways all lined with buildings ranging in size from small huts to medium sized bungalow, manor apartment that stood 10 stories high, castles and palaces and finally, directly in the middle a castle/palace/fortress. And it was all made of desert sand bound together with fired sand. This latter information I achieved later on but now seems like the best time to report it.
Princess Dezeray was not the only dragon returning to the city and several were departing. The streets were teeming with people, all very human in appearance but not human and I believe it would have been an insult to call them human since Skyfallers were human and no one in Erf was particularly fond of Skyfallers. The only thing that saved my bacon was the fact that I was the only Skyfaller child anyone in Erf had ever seen. It also helped I think that I was not insisting on being self-important and demanding to be referred to as Lord Donald.
We settled down in a wide landing circle designed for such comings and goings. Dragon Landing pads one might call them.
The landing pad was part of the huge court yard of the central Palace, home to the King, Queen and royal children of Sandcastle City, not to mention an enormous counting of relatives, and members of the service quarter.
Princess Dezeray returned to the girl form and in that moment I realized though she was older than I she was not that much older. For reasons I cannot explain, I could see her youth dancing in her eyes and in the soft tones of her voice. Something else happened in that moment that my young mind and heart had a little difficulty understanding. But I will leave that until the notion actually blossomed sometime later,
Chapter Eight
Needless to say, I had never met royalty before though I had learned some version of what the term means in school. I realize in my senior years that what was taught by teachers then was only a smattering of the real version. I have to admit I was excited especially since this Queen was also a dragon, for real. I just hoped that she would not ask how Skyfallers treated dragons in our world. I decided that if the subject came up I would stretch the truth and explain that Dragons were only fairytale creatures told of in the ancient past. It was probably Skyfallers who visited Erf and returned home that made them up.
At the age of eleven I half believed that there might have been dragons and a lot of other fairytale creatures in our world, ones who fell through a portal into our world.
We climbed the long stairs to the huge double oak doors entering the palace. I was absolutely amazed that they opened without a single squeak, creak or snap and there seemed to be no one pushing or pulling on them.
Two guards off to the side kept a watchful and suspicious eye on us as we crossed the threshold into the grand entrance hall which was a thing of fairytales itself. Inside, exactly in the middle of the hall was a great tree at least fifty feet high with a trunk something near 4 feet in diameter. In the branches were birds of a nature I had never seen or even heard about and they were noisy, chattering away in spoken words, or should I say songs. The noise was not ear shattering but a little too loud to keep up a conversation until Dezeray cooed and they fell silent.
The tree was a kind beyond my ken as well but if compared I would have called it a purple oak with pink, blue and orange leaves.
Directly ahead was another huge door, this time a single leaf but no less spectacular in its carvings, which was a scene of a blue dragon circling the Palace.
“Come now Donald. The Queen awaits your arrival. She has many questions to ask of a Boy Skyfaller.” Dezeray instructed as she led the way into the audience hall.
As we stepped over the threshold I was awe struck by the plainness and simplicity of it. Even the throne was but a chair one might find in any dining room, mere wood with arms. It was slightly elevated but only enough so that the Queen sat higher than her visitor.
As for the queen, I was taken aback by two things. One, she looked exactly like Dezeray only an older version. Secondly she wore no crown and was clad in a simple blue dress with no adornments. If I had seen her on the street I would not have recognized anything royal about her.
Two guards stepped out of the shadow of the entrance and blocked any further approach of Mr. Armstrong and Mr. Ruffus. I halted and glanced back then returned my gaze toward the Queen, whom by the way was also named Dezeray.
I said flatly. “Where I go so too go my companions. Otherwise I shall retreat and leave this place.”
I saw Mr. Armstrong and Mr. Ruffus cringe, but the Queen smiled and nodded to the guards.
“I was warned the boy Skyfaller was not a diplomat and leaned toward truth and loyalty.” said the Queen.
“The truth is your Majesty; I just don’t like being push around by bullies.” I replied.
“You think me a bully?”
“Not yet. I am just making sure you don’t start off that way.”
The Queen laughed out loud and heartily in a tone full of mirth. Apparently she was pleased with my defiance.
“I am glad you are amused Queen Dezeray, but I really am a little pressed for time. I feel an urgency to find the Skyfaller King. So, if we could get on with this interview I would be forever grateful.”
“Donald. Don’t push too hard.” I heard Mr. Armstrong whisper a warning.
“Very well Boy Skyfaller. How long do you plan intruding in my desert?” Her tone went hard.
“Only long enough to get to the other side, unless of course I find the Skyfaller King hiding out somewhere among your dunes.” My tone matched the Queen’s.
“Mother. Donald. This is getting us nowhere. I wanted you to meet in friendship not too find a reason to be adversaries.” Princess Dezeray intervened.
“You are right. Princess.” I responded and the Queen agreed with a nod.
“I hope you will remain with us long enough to have a meal and rest.” She invited.
“We would be delighted and grateful Queen Dezeray.” Mr. Ruffus interjected.
The Queen’s brightened and a smile arched her frowning lips. “Oh my. How sorry I am I did not recognize you Mr. Ruffus, but the last we met was when I was yet a Princess, forever ago.”
“You are still a Princess to me.” Mr. Ruffus replied and from then on the mood was as bright and clear as a summer’s day.
It was to my greatest surprise when I witnessed something utterly awesome. Mr. Ruffus shimmered then standing in his place was a man of middle age.
“You are a changeling too.” I blurted out.
Mr. Ruffus smiled tolerantly. “You really are a kid aren’t you, completely oblivious to the obvious.”
“Now Ruffus. Be nice, just like you always told me.” Said the Queen.
Mr. Ruffus smiled and fixed a warm gaze on me. “I did not mean to be sharp but that is the nature of my kind. We started as friend and we shall remain friends, but I will tell you now, this is as far as I go. I have come home at last.” He announced then went to the Queen’s side. “The Skyfaller Boy has broken the witches spell. I am a Dragon Lord again.”
“And you are Princess Dezeray’s Father.” I spouted in amazement.
“Sire would be most accurate.” Ruffus replied. “I am King Darkuz and I am grateful to you Donald.”
Things can indeed change on a dime when you are not looking, or, even when you are. Whoda thunk it that wolfie Ruffus was really a great blue dragon and a king to boot. I never even considered something like that, and he never once alluded to it, but the truth quickly made me realize my company was now reduced to a kid and an old man. That was a problem in that, though the Blue Dragon Changelings were amiable toward us, the Sandwitches were not likely to be and as far as I could tell there was no getting around their territory.
To make matters a little worse. The Sandwitches or were dragons and The Blue Dragons were currently in the middle of a non-aggression pact, which in all likely-hood my presence was about to end though neither the King nor Queen alluded to the fact. There are just some things kids understand.
Chapter Nine
The longer one remains in Erf the more about it gets confusing while at the same time it becomes more understandable. Such as. One minute I was standing before the king and queen of Sandcastle city in their audience chamber. Mr. Armstrong was with me. The next minute I was alone standing atop the summit of an enormous dune looking across the vast expanse of the desert and in the distance I could see two dragons charging at one another. One was blue and one was black. The black dragon was breathing a blackish orange flame and the blue dragon’s flame was blue with tendrils of white.
Though they seemed to be aggressing toward one another there seemed to be no anger or animosity. In fact, the more I watched the more it seemed that they were dancing, a strange kind of winged waltz.
I guess my eyes had been closed because they popped open and the desert and dancing dragons vanished, and I found myself alone in the audience room. It took me several seconds to collect myself then I was able to navigate my way to the exit.
There was a profound silence all about me and it remained as I stepped from the audience hall back into the entrance hall. The silence was dense, and I felt as alone there as I had standing atop the dune in the desert and I was alone. As I scanned the hall I saw no one.
I made my way quickly to the great doors that still stood open. Standing on the landing looking out on the court yard and cobble-way there was emptiness. No people, nor vehicles, no animals, just me, the silence broken only by a whisper of a breeze.
Above the thunder crashed though, the sky was clear.
I descended the steps to the cobble-way and started for the great gate that take me back to the city streets but half way there Mr. Armstrong appeared out of thin air and told me too remain within the castle walls. When I opened my mouth to argue with him he put a finger to his lips as a warning to be quiet then motioned for me to stand still. Seconds later the people, animals, vehicles, Mr. Armstrong and Princess Dezeray returned and we all once again standing in the audience hall, though now the King and Queen had departed.
“Can someone explain what just happened?” I asked a little dysfunctionally.
“What do you mean?” Mr. Armstrong replied.
I tried to explain but could make it sensible. Mr. Armstrong rescued me.
“Ah, a glitch. It happens to us all, all us Skyfallers I mean. I wouldn’t concern myself over it.” He advised.
“Maybe, but I think I was being warned of something.” Then I told them about the dancing dragons.
Princess Dezeray fixed her eyes on me. Her mouth was open in an awe inspired gape. “That is horrible.” She cried out. They could not have been dancing. Wing and flame dancing is a mating ritual and blue and black dragons will never mate.”
“You have witness what may come to be.” A rumbling voice came out of thin air. I recognized it. It was the King of the Skyfallers.
“How would you know?” I queried aggressively. “Why would I believe you, who will not show himself, like a coward with power, hiding behind a shield.”
“I do not hide to hide boy. I hide to watch and wait. I am not here to overrule Erf, but to see that what is to be will be.”
“Then you have no need to hide if you are merely observing. But we know you do more. You give Skyfallers rule over the land and that in itself is wrong.” I challenged. “I will find you and reveal you and your true purpose.” I warned which was met with a deep fell laughter.
“The presence of him faded and when I demanded again that he show himself it was met with silence.
“Mr. Armstrong.” I beckoned, but Mr. Armstrong was gone. “Now where has he vanished to?” I grumbled. Princess Dezeray grinned. “Sometimes you really are thick Donald.” But she would not elaborate and insisted that we go exploring in the city, even though I issued a desire to get on with my search which she insisted could wait. It came out as an order though she tried to make it sound like a request.
“Very well, but where did Mr. Armstrong go?” I demanded.
“Back to his farm. I believe there was an issue there he needed to deal with.” The princess answered then led the way out into the day.
I felt like I was being abandoned but thought as well that maybe I was supposed to be on this journey alone. After all I was the only kid Skyfaller in Erf and everyone else seemed to have already established their place in that weird little society.
Twice more through the day I expressed my wishes to move on in search of The Skyfaller King but Princess Dezeray coerced me into another delay, which was not difficult because, well, eleven year olds’ don’t admit to things like what I was thinking. By the time she ran out of diversions the trumpets sounded sunset and the great gates to the outside were drawn. I was there for the night and realized only when darkness came why Dezeray had worked so hard at delaying me and I was not displeased for her reason.
I had taken lodgings at a livery stable, turning down an invitation to reside the evening at the palace. Dumb. Stubborn. My intention was to slip away with the dawn trumpets and get as far from Sandcastle City as possible as quickly as I could. Though I had become aware that Dezeray was doing all in her power to delay me, successfully as you might note, I did not understand why, at least not until late into the night when my sleep was disturbed by something beautifully awesome but frightening at the same time. Even now, so many decades later in my senior years I remain awe-struck by the memory of that night.
I jumped from my lay of straw and hurried to the main door at the beckon of what I can only describe as explosions. As I stepped out the door my eyes were drawn to the sky and focused on a moon so full and bright and the colour of blue that looked like a hole in the blackness of space where a clear azure summer day sky was shining through.
Hundreds of shooting starts crisscrossed the star filled back ground of night and blue dragons darted like fire flies everywhere, flames spouting from their mighty maws then blinking out. I could do naught be stand there and stare and I am certain a smile was stretching my lips to their limit.
This grand display continued until the sounding of the Trumpets of Dawn. Then it all vanished, the show, the stable and the city around me and I found myself standing in the full brightness of the desert sun, alone, with only the clothes on my back. It was a very deadly position to find one’s self if you know anything at all about deserts, not to mention the Erf Desert Worms.
To say I was startled would be a gross understatement, but there was one more thing to cause me distraction. Agat the lioness appeared at the summit of a dune near enough that I recognized her at first sight.
Chapter Ten
Agat descended the slope of the dune skidding on the sand like a snow boarder. I began the climb down to meet her but was only half way when we met.
“Donald Harry Roberts. I am here to guide and protect you. Mr. Armstrong will no longer be able to help you. It seems he has up-fallen back to his own world.”
“Then it is possible to go back?” I queried.
“It is possible to be taken back.” Agat corrected.
I got it. Nothing I could do would find me my way home. That was up to someone or something else.
I shrugged my shoulders and said wistfully. “I guess all I can do is keep up my search for the Skyfaller King.”
“I believe it is your lot to do so. You have leave to wander anywhere and everywhere in Erf because you have pledged to find him and the Erfites are pleased with you.”
I studied Agat while she scanned desert and took the hot air into her nostrils, reading the messages drifting with the ever so slight breeze. It did not seem she noticed me staring but suddenly she turned those amber eyes on me and offered up a catish smile. When she spoke, I realized she was capable of reaching into my thoughts. She said simply. “Thank You boy Skyfaller.”
It was a moment short lived because just then, out of the distance a blacker than black shape etched the azure sky. I suddenly felt completely vulnerable for I recognized the shape and that the Sandwitches were aware of my presence.
“Do not fear so Donald. The Sandwitches are not the evil that the Blue Dragon people claim.”
“Why would they say that then?” I asked suspiciously. I was beginning to realize that Erf was a twisted place, and everything had two or even three sides to it. In that moment I really wanted to go home, back to my bowling alley and catching head pins out of the air. Unfortunately, I was stuck in Erf and had to sort things out in a way that my young mind could understand.
The black dragon circled down and lit upon the hip of the dune fifty feet from where we stood. The black dragons were almost twice the size of their blue counter parts.
As its claws sank into the sand a sand devil erupted, twisted violently for a few seconds then settle, leaving a figure clad in a sand coloured robe. She had alabaster skin and her eyes and hair were as black as black can be though her hair had streaks of midnight blue growing from her temples.
The Sandwitch approached the two keeping her eyes mostly on Agat, but when she was sure there was no danger emanating from the Lioness she turned her attention on me.
“Welcome Donald Harry Roberts. Skyfaller Boy.” She greeted in a kindly tone. “I hope the blues have not completely turned you against us.”
“I am learning to take things as they come and not come to any final conclusions. It seems in Erf nothing stays the way it is when first encountered.” I replied then inquired. “Are you preparing for war with Sandcastle City?”
“We are attempting to dispel our differences. They have endured long enough, but the Blues still hold a grudge for an accident that occurred long ago. One we have apologized for many times, to no avail.”
“Dare I ask?” I replied.
We opened a portal to the Skyfallers world, your world. Then we sent Sandwitches and Blues as well as members from other dragon orders to explore. Something happened that closed the portal so that our people could not return. Only Skyfallers could come through. All the dragons we sent to the Skyfaller world were slaughtered. The other dragon orders have never forgiven us. We have become the pariah of Erf.”
“It sounds to me like you may be stuck there unless the others can find forgiveness in their hearts.” I replied.
“If it has not come by now it likely never will Brayella.” Agat suggested.
“So, what happens now?” I asked. “I am supposed to be trying to find this Skyfaller King but every time I start off something takes me in another direction.”
I asked the question but like so many other times in my short life no one had an answer and once again I had to decide for myself with only the guidance of my young wisdom. After contemplating the matter for a few minutes, I said. “Why should I care who or where the Skyfaller King is. I did not come here by choice. I came by accident or maybe I was drafted. Who knows? However, my point is I am here, and it appears I have no convenient way back so I must just go forward. Going forward may or may not include a visit to the Sandwitch’s fortress but I am going there anyway because I need supplies to go forward.”
Agat stared at me approvingly. I do not know why it made me feel good and I suppose it does not matter. That it did is what was important at that moment. “It might help to have a companion I can count on.”
Then something incredibly simple struck me. The position in Erf the Skyfaller King had assigned me to. “If I go to the Carnival I may find clues to where the King is.” I said aloud.
“The Carnival is a dangerous place Donald Harry Roberts. Many who have visited there have vanished.” Brayella warned.
“Who?”
“Everyone, Erfites and Skyfallers.”
“And then it might be where we, I might find the Skyfaller King. After I visit the fortress I shall make my way to the Carnival. After all, it was given to me by the King.”
My words were tough and decisive but inside I was not so confident. The King had discarded me when I turned him down to be Lord Donald Over The Carnival and I suspected there was already someone more liking to the idea in my place.
“I will travel with you to Carnival.” Agat offered.
Not that I was going to refuse the offer. I had already learned travelling in Erf alone had its draw-backs, but I also discovered companions tend to get diverted to other paths. So far everyone I had travelled with had gone off or was transformed. I nodded to accept her offer but put only small stock in it.
“Let’s visit the fortress first and see what happens.” I replied.
I would like to tell you I spent a few quiet days at Sandwitch fortress but something far more horrendous and amazing happened. I guess I should have seen it coming since I had in fact been given a fore vision that I had pushed out as a dream-mare.
I had enjoyed a fine meal of desert oasis fruits and fish and was taking in the evening looking out over the dunes watching the sun set. As far in the distance as I could see, shading my eyes from the last rays of the setting sun I spied a shadow that grew and grew until I could see that the shadow was a Camp of Blue Dragons. A rush of alarm and fear raised the hair on my neck and arms, and I cried out.
A great crowd of black dragons rose into the air and advanced to engage the enemy. As they drew closer together I was waiting for the battle to erupt. I could hear the thunder of wings and my eyes beheld streams of dragon fire ripping across the sky. To say it was spectacular to witness was an understatement, but it also served as a prelude to devastation. Then it all stopped and the dragons, black to my right and blue to my left formed lines as though they were spectators sitting on bleachers.
When I looked about I saw the Blues Sandcastle rising out of the dunes and from the castle came the king and queen and Princess Dezeray. And from the fortress came the king and queen of the fortress with their offspring, the prince, who I had yet to meet and actually never did.
The in the space between the black and blue dragon spectators the kings and queens, prince and princess met. For a time that seem to be an eternity they hovered there, a hundred feet above the desert turning the now, night sky into a blaze of red, orange, blue and green streams of fire.
Agat said in a voice I did not expect. Joy. “And thus, the great war begins.”
Chapter Eleven
We all have our version of what is what, truths, lies, fantasies, realities and so it is much the same in Erf. I expected to witness my version of war. Instead I stood there watching as blue and black dragons began a dance that ranged in style between a minuet and circle dancing likened to the ritual dances of the native people of Africa while lighting up the sky with brilliant streams of fire. Then they formed a greater circle within which the princess and prince faced off as if to fight but instead of fighting they intertwined in a dance that no human could ever imagine accomplishing while casting brilliant flames of every colour one might find in the entire colour spectrum.
“I do not understand. This is not war. It appears more like a mating ritual.” I exclaimed. “So, I suppose mating rituals are more like wars.”
“Skyfallers are very closed in their ability to interpret ideas and cultures. I have noticed this many times. All dragons are changelings and all changelings are Sandwitches and among Sandwitches there is a sacred law which Skyfallers cannot fathom. No Sandwitch shall ever slay another, even if they differ.”
As Agat spoke there came from all directions countless crowds of dragons, green, red, purple, white, and the colour array simply went on endlessly. I could do nothing but stare in awe and joy for joy is what this version of war was all about.
“You are the only child Skyfaller ever to visit Erf and you are the only Skyfaller ever to witness the war of the dragons.” Agat announced.
“Are all Dragons changelings and witches?”
“They are in Erf. Mountain Witches, Sea Witches, Meadow witches, Forest Witches, all and they all have their own cultures, and each has two colours of dragons and if you watch they all have a prince and princess. Watch the sky Boy Skyfaller.”
I could not count the couples of princesses and princes. I can only say, the sky within the great war circle was filled with intertwining dragons, as mates and en masse and the thunder of their wings sounded to me like thousands of bowlers executing a perfect strike all at once.
And fade to black. They were gone. Not a dragon or witch of any culture was to be seen. No desert, just an endless black sky sparkling with stars, constellations I recognized and one that stood out above all the others Draco, which Agat pointed out.
I know, you don’t understand what just happened and how it fit into this story. Well neither did I at the time and it was some time before I did and when the story comes to its fullness you shall understand as well, but until then the story must maintain its momentum or fade into some version of oblivion.
I was standing in the sky, gazing at the star-field as though I was within a holograph in the very centre of the galaxy looking out and the galaxy was turning, or maybe it was I who was turning, but what does that matter? What truly mattered is the spectacular vision I was witnessing, watching the constellations chase, or follow one another in a great and grand circle. It was such a sight that no Skyfaller world illusion could even come close to recreating, at least not in the days of my youth.
“Are the dragons gone from Erf?” I asked.
“No Boy. Erf needs all its creatures to exist.” Agat answered.
“Except Skyfallers. We are the intruders.” I noted but Agat did not reply, “She too had vanished, and I was alone in the star-scape, alone and adrift much like I had always been in my youth.
Once again I was falling, I suppose because that is what Skyfallers do. On this occasion however I was descending through the star scape at such a velocity that the stars and constellations were streaking by like points of light swirling and twirling in the darkest of rooms. Oddly, though I was falling I felt weightless in such a way that I believed I should be floating. I suppose the conflict of weightlessness and falling was the reason I felt nauseous. My mind went into a swirl and my sense of anything emptied into a black expanse that also seemed to be swallowing the stars. And then.
An Unexpected Interlude
There is a place between the world of imagination and reality that I have come to know as The Great Sea of Illusion that is ever and always caught in the midst of a storm so intense no mind can linger there long without breaking. I fear that many get lost in that sea and human kind, those that claim to know and understand give the state of being lost in that sea many names. The truth is, these scholars have no idea, unless of course they themselves have gone a drift upon the sea and have been tossed mercilessly by the storm.
***
My eyes opened but I was not anywhere I could fathom in my groggy mind. The dark was not quite dark, and the light was not quite light and black and grey seemed to swirl together like a colourless marble pudding.
Then ever so slowly things coagulated into a discernible image, a still shot at first then gradually gain motion, slow at first but gaining momentum as I began to recognize what I was seeing.
I saw myself in a hospital bed, asleep, with tubes in my arms. I was alone, as I usually was when not working or in class.
My eyelids were fluttering. Every other part of my body was still. I decided not to stick around and watch myself sleep so I let myself drift straight through a closed window.
“Hey. I am a ghost.” I said. I did not know about astral projection or any other transcendental hokum pokum at that age.
Outside I knew where I was. At the hospital. So, I floated down town all the way to my work place. It was shut down with a note on the door. “Closed until further notice.”
Then I headed home. No one was there so I went to the school and no one was there either. For that matter, no matter where I went the only person I saw was myself, unconscious in a hospital bed.
Where or when or whatever I was I didn’t like it one little bit and it made things even worse when I couldn’t escape. I couldn’t get back to Erf and there seemed no place to go forward or any other direction. I only felt one thing. I felt like I was going to barf, but that wouldn’t quite work either.
I could not walk. All I could do was swim through the air.
I had no Idea why I was unconscious in a hospital bed. That information did not come to me until a lot later.
Needless to say, I was lost, drifting aimlessly from the bowling alley to the hospital then home. Around and around I went until it got dark out, suddenly. There was no sunset. It was like someone turned the lights out.
It was black, as black as black as I could ever have imagined, until the sparks came, millions of sparks in colours I did not even know existed. They came in circles, arcs and straight shooting lines and all the while my head hurt, like no hurt I had ever know before, even when I fell and broke my arm when I was six.
It was horrible, just crazy horrible and I could not get away. I just floated afraid to move in case I crashed into something in the blackest black I was imprisoned in.
I tried to talk and even though my lips formed the words I could not hear my voice. I tried screaming and all that did was hurt my throat and believe it or not I was happy because it was something else to feel besides feeling like I was going to barf.
I don’t know how much time passed but the light blinked on. I was in the hospital room again and my body was still there, but I was laying on my side now and I was not alone. Mr. Armstrong was there. And that really confused the crap out of me.
He was sitting on the side of my bead, brushing his finger over my head. He was saying something, but I could not hear him. The look on his face was sad and he looked older than I remember.
Then the room door opened, and a nurse entered followed by my parents, both of whom looked at me as if I had done something wrong, which was not unusual.
A minute later the door opened again and the man I knew as Dr. Beecrof came in. He started talking and this time I could hear, but the words were all a jumble.
My eyes popped open. I was standing at the archway gate of a carnival.
The Carnival Of Erf
Chapter One
I fell from The Great Sea of Illusion flat on my face in a patch of thick, dark brown mud right back in Erf. I didn’t know how I felt, only that at 11 years of age I was not going to cry. No 11 year old never cries…. ever…. especially me…. ever.
I cried. I did not want to be in Erf. Erf was a ridiculous stupid place that made absolutely no sense and besides that I wanted to get back to my job in the bowling alley.
Then I quit crying, muddied from head to foot and looked across a wide green field. There I saw an archway with flashing lights designed into letters that read, The Carnival Of Erf.
And then I smiled because beyond the arched gate I saw Ferris wheels, several of different sizes, and Roller Coasters or one Roller Coaster. I couldn’t tell from there.
Then I regretted turning down the offer to become Lord of The Carnival and began to wonder if I could make that decision change. But later, as you will discover I discovered that though the surface was pretty amazing the under-dark of the Carnival of Erf was horrific.
I approached the gate and the ticket wicket but the girl selling tickets said. “Oh. It’s a Skyfaller. You get in free. I should have known there and then I was in for ride straight out of the Carnival Of horrors. I said thanks and crossed the threshold and even as my first step touched the ground I felt the icy chill of evil course up my leg into my heart.
Now I said there was a girl at the ticket wicket but that was not quite what I meant. Yes, it was a girl but not a human girl. She was a gargoyle girl, and quite pretty for a gargoyle though in our world she would have been considered monsterish. Anyway, in her own way I thought she was pretty, and I told her so and that proved to be a boon later on, when I needed a boon desperately.
In the meantime, I began wandering about the carnival and found all sorts of amazing entertainment found in any carnival but in Erf it was real, like the bearded lady and the half man half goat and the kid with two heads…all as real as I was in that very unreal but too real world.
All I really wanted to do is walk through to the exit at the other end and go home but that did not happen.
I wasn’t there for more than a half hour when things got dicey. The man on stilts was not on stilts. His legs were actually eight feet long and he was not a nice person. He liked kicking things; people included because he could do it very well and kick them dozens of feet. Then when they crashed into something he laughed. What grabbed me was that his legs were still made of wood and ended in huge clown feet.
And speaking of clowns, they were everywhere and there were so many it was like they were a community. I must add as well that their faces were not made up. At the Carnival of Erf, clowns are real people, not real people made up to look like clowns. Some were funny, some were sad, and some were downright scary.
As you may have guessed, humans here are seldom referred to as humans. Rather, they are called Skyfallers and are far and few between, but they/we have an enormous impact on Erf and apparently are slowly taking over control, orchestrated by some idiot who has dubbed himself the King of The Sky fallers and Erf, though he has yet to claim much of this weird and wondrous land. And for those who are not on top of things I am looking for him…so that I can, hopefully stop this insanity and let Erf be Erf, whatever Erf is without Skyfallers.
But I was not there by my own free will. I think I was drafted, but even today, decades later by who I do not know.
The air was full of music, Screamers I believe they were once called, various types of marching music played really loud through horn speakers mounted on posts above the crowd.
Everyone was looking at me as though I was a side show freak, which, since they would have oddities among humanity in our world, such as the likes found in lore and mythology I was a rare entity in their world. Gargoyles seem to dominate the walkways among the kiosks and rides, but only by a small margin.
It was night when I arrived, and it was always night at the Carnival of Erf. And the Candy floss was blood red, and the popcorn was orange and black and brown.
I played one of ring toss games and won. The Satyr Carnie scowled and gave me a stuffed gorilla too big to carry so I gave it back and an elephant sprayed me with water. A Clown with an enormous green nose and dumbo ears grabbed my hand and dragged me off to see the sword swallower and the rubber man who could tie himself in knots and was actually made of rubber.
My mind was reeling with something I do not have a word for, not even now as an old man reminiscing.
And the rancorous music, that tinny sound coming through bull horn speakers got louder
Then a voice came crashing out. “Welcome to the Carnival of Erf Donald. Are you ready for the ride of your life?” The greeting was followed by a maniacal bout of laughter, not one voice but a chorus of them all filled with fire and evil. I could not determine if they were male, female beast or man. Just horrendously loud and blood curdling.
A fire eater that was my own 11 year old height and was shaped like a red ant blew an orange, blue and green flame between its mandibles straight across my path. I had to jump back to avoid getting burned and maybe would have if the elephant had not sprayed the ant with water knocking out its flame and sending it rolling across the gravel floor of the carnival grounds.
Chapter Two
The Elephant winked then turned and trundled away. I smiled though I wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because I just learned that elephants really are smart, at least smarter than we Skyfallers give them credit for.
The Ant got to its feet and glared at me then said…in a mind imagining way, “I would not have hit you. The consequences for harming a Skyfaller are deadly. I was just playing and tickling your excitement rib.”
I sensed his fear and replied, in words and thoughts, “Relax. I get it.” The Ant bowed and backed away. I turned just in time to see the Rubber Man, who was really made of rubber, tie himself into a nice little bow then he twitched and it all came apart and he wobbled away on his rubber legs.
Suddenly a chorus of trumpeters filled the air with a noise as far from music as ice is from fire. I covered my ears until it quit. Then, hopping along, and dressed up like a three ring circus MC a Kangaroo came, yelling into a megaphone three feet long with a bell on it a foot and a half wide. “Make way. Make way. Hambones, Lord of The Carnival this way cometh. Lord Hambones this way cometh.”
I could hardly believe my ears. I only knew of one person in the whole world named Hambones and that was only a nick name the kids in my school gave him. But there he was riding in a huge gilded carriage a king would have envied, drawn by four magnificent golden horses with mains as white as snow and trappings of rich black leather and gold.
He reminded me of the comical version of Humpty Dumpty, and I could not stop myself from laughing, almost hysterically, though at eleven years of age, hysterical was not a concept I understood, but tears came to my eyes and that I did understand. I also understood the nasty looks I got from people close by for laughing at him. Apparently he was not very nice to the Carnival People and they were afraid my laughing would set him in a particularly worse mood than usual.
The carriage stopped gently in front of a podium made completely of silver except for a carpeted area for the speaker to stand and carpeting, red of course covering the steps climbing up to the platform.
Lord Hambones wore the same drab grey suite in Erf as he did in the class room back in Skyfaller land. And worse, he was carrying that fiddle that he managed to scratch out some ear shattering nerve grating notes on.
Lord Hambones climbed the steps and positioned himself in front of a microphone which was attached to a PA system which was powered by a generator powered by two cyclist pedaling like mad turning a small generator motor. The peddlers were cry clowns with big green hair and their costumes were purple, orange and lime green striped pajamas. They’re faces were not painted. They were real and I thought I saw tears dripping from their chins.
“This is tragic.” I heard the words rush in a whisper past my lips and understood in that moment why I was back in Erf.
Hambones, I am dropping the lord and Mr. crap from his identity, chinned his fiddle and started scratching the strings with the bow. I have never seen in all my life since my days in Erf any one cringe like everyone within ear shot of that noise did. But everyone listened obediently without uttering a single complaint. So, I took on the task myself and Yell. “Stop that infernal racket.” But Hambones just kept playing so I scooped up a handful of what might have been mud and something else that smelled terrible and flung it at Hambones and yelled again. “Stop that infernal racket.
The mud hit the fiddle dead on, and Hambones jumped straight up in the air with a startled yelp.
“Who did this blasphemous thing?” He blared angrily.
I wave my hands so he could pick me out in the laughing crowd. “It was me Old Hambones.” I answered with a laugh. “When will you get it that you can’t play that thing worth beans no matter where you are. And who let you into Erf anyway?”
Hambones stopped playing and glared down at me, a glare I knew well but here he did not recognize me.
“It is Lord Hambones Brat. I am Lord of The Carnival and I was invited by the King since some welp of a boy turned down the position. And who are you to criticize my fiddle playing. I could have you strapped for that.”
Everyone was watching us and were waiting for my response.
“I am a friend of Erf and refused to be part of the Kings stupid take over. This is not our world and we have no right to intrude on these people’s good nature.”
“Good nature. Have you not looked Brat. Most of them are not even human. They are monsters and caricatures. They need us to keep order.” Yelled Hambones and then he began scratching at his fiddle again.
My ears started to ache, and the carnival people began to wail. This time I picked up a stone and threw it. It smashed into the fiddle breaking two strings and putting a crack in the sound board. Lord Hambones screamed like a banshee and cursed me seven ways to hell. But he stopped playing and called to his trumpeters to sound the alarm.
“We have an intruder trying to harm the order of The Carnival Of Erf by bringing disobedience and chaos. Arrest him. The Brat stands here before me. Take him to the lions cages and lock him in.”
Suddenly I was surrounded by pawns with legs and arms and faces carrying pikes, eight white and eight black all charging at me screeching ferociously.
Behind them came the rooks and knights and bishops while the Kings and Queens held back behind the lines.
I was trapped and it seemed like my time in The Carnival Of Erf was going to become the Carnival of Horror.
Chapter Three
Hambones began playing his fiddle, I suspect to add something horrifying to siege bearing down on me. But something else completely different happened. Suddenly everyone began cringing and crying out in agony which Hambones took as cheers and he started to dance about like a fool as he played and did not notice his army of chess men were falling head over heels to the ground and rolling about madly. I could not stop myself from laughing even though some were glaring at me for displaying such disrespect for their Lord and Master, but they were too busy cringing over the screams and squawks blasting from Hambones fiddle.
Suddenly he tumbled over the rail of the podium and crashed to the ground, still playing his fiddle madly. Only when he hit the ground did he stop, staring up into the sky, dazed. But even as I thought he was going to have some kind of revelation he jumped to his feet and cried out in a rage. “Who did that? Who tripped me?”
I had seen old Hambones angry before, so angry in fact that he thumped me on top of the head nearly knocking me out, but this was different. This was an insanity grinding into his mind.
“Whoever it was will pay dearly. I promise. Yes, I promise. Now some one take me home. I need to go home and decide the fate of this foolish Carnival and everyone in it.” He bellowed wildly while six gargoyles picked him up and carried him to his coach, of course while he scratched on his fiddle.
The elephant came by and said in his deep trumpeting voice. “I think he meant it this time. I have never seen Lord Hambones so agitated. I fear he will bring down something horrible on the Carnival.”
“Not while I am here.” I heard myself say in a voice that only came out when I was afraid or angry, which with me are closely related. I am seldom one without the other.
“Where does Hambones live?” I asked the Elephant.
“Up yonder.” He waved in northerly direction with his trunk. “But no one knows exactly where, and you cannot leave the Carnival by the back gate. Only he can do that. Once someone enters this place they can never leave. And, I might add, no one knows where the back gate is anyway, though many have searched for it. The Carnival seems to go on forever and in a circle it seems because you can walk for days and always you end up at the front gate.
“Why has no one ever just followed him?” I asked innocently.
“Because no one dares to defy Lord Hambones.” A new voice entered the conversation.
I turned to look see who it was and once again and not for the last time I was gripped by a state of utter awe.
“I am called Roxie.”
“The dog faced girl, for real.” I interrupted.
“And proud of who I am I will tell you.”
Not only did she have a dog’s face, but she had a tail and the hind end of a dog but the rest of her was a girl of my own age I guessed.
“Well Roxie. I intend to follow him, and it would be nice to have a companion if you are not a scardy cat.”
“I am not a cat of any kind and yes I will go with you. Lord Hambones needs to be taught that he cannot treat people the way he does.
We were just about leave when the chess soldiers came at me again. This time there was nothing to stop them though Roxie did try to protect me. Instead we were caught, bound by the wrists and dragged off. It was probably one the most frightening moments of my life in Erf because until the last minute I did not know what they were going to do to us.
I ask you to consider you fortitude before you continue to read this part of my story because in all the history of the house of horror rides peculiar to carnivals the one you are about to experience vicariously through my narrative is the most frightening of all and it was even more so for Roxie and me since we experienced it up close and personally real like.
We were unceremoniously dumped in ride cart that rode on two steel rails and pushed off into through the cave like adit of the house of horrors. Then the motor kicked in and everything became real, including the bats whizzing past out ears.
A strobe light flashed, and something pounced out of the shadows and nearly snatched me up in its fangs but Roxie bit at it viciously and it retreated into is layer.
Snakes slithered by and huge spiders crawled across their webs ready to sting their prey caught in the gossamer silk. Something horrid cackled and suddenly a witch on her broom came down on us like a bird of prey. Her beaked nose and blacken teeth were most frightening at all.: Go home Donald. You are not welcome in the Carnival of Earth. You chose not to become its Lord and Master and only one Skyfaller can remain here. Leave or dark and dastardly things may happen to you.”
As she flew by the third time I grabbed the whisks of her broom and pulled down as hard as I could. With a scream she careened into the wall and I heard no more cackling from her raspy throat.
The car continued rattling along its rails through one door into a vast cavern of wild, red eyed wolves and hyenas then into another with dragons licking the cart with their fiery breath and once I felt the hairs on my arms singe.
In another cavern we watched a battle between a crocodile and a hunter and in yet another we were lost in a sea storm that swept up the car and jostled and tossed us about. We were nearly thrown from the car and maybe would have been had we not exited that chamber and found ourselves at the base of a tower mountain with jagged slopes and a narrow road climbing to the summit where stood an angry, dark looking castle crowned with a ring of blazing red, orange, yellow and blue fire. When I looked back over my shoulder, considering turning around and going back I saw that we had exited the chamber of horrors and were now on foot.
“What have we now?” I asked no one in particular, but Roxie answered.
“Whatever this place is Donald I doubt we will find any comfort or anything nice in it.”
The Carnival Of Erf
The Oracle Of Erf
One
It started raining. The sky flashed with lightning and the air vibrated against the back ground of thunder. Roxie shuddered and said something about having no option but to go forward and gave me a little shove to lead the way. I looked up at the Castle on the mountain top and cringed but took that ever so important first step, which did not make any of the following steps one iota easier.
The path, which coiled up the mountain slope reminded me of polished coal at first and I probably would have slipped and fell except for my runners which served me well as a pin setter and now as an adventurer in a weird world because they gripped any surface like flies feet on a wall. But I did not go far when the path disappeared and was replaced by a rough cut of sharp stones that had razor edges and cut into my fingers if I did not chose my hold wisely. I was bleeding some by the time the path changed again transforming into rough cut steps.
Roxie stood at the base of the steps sniffing the air. After a long minute she fixed her eyes on mine and said in the quietest, most curious voice I have ever heard, “I detect the scent of something I have never smelled before.”
“Is it a good or bad smell?” I asked.
“It is not bad, nor would I say it is good, not even neutral. All I can say is its strong and close.”
I had picked out a number of scents but nothing like the one such as Roxie described.
“I guess all we can do is keep going and stay watchful.” I said then began climbing the stairs. They were quite wide so Roxie moved in beside me. A slow, low growl rushed through her bared fangs.
The stairs curved upward with the mountain slope, gradually at first then became steep, slightly less than climbing a ladder and at points it was necessary to use both hands and feet to keep climbing. Then suddenly we came to a landing that was a porch to the opening of a cave. Roxie told me that whatever the smell was it was coming from within the cave and now I too could smell it. I had smelled it before. Rotten eggs, faint but still undeniably recognizable. I have to admit my interest was piqued. What could make that smell here? I guess I said that out loud because Roxie replied. “I guess we are about to find out and gave me a little push into the cave.
I expected to find darkness, the kind you get in a room with no windows or lights at night. Instead we found a reddish, gold glow bright enough to light our way.
We followed a tunnel for several yards then it opened to a chamber and what we saw was awesome as awesome can be in that frightening corner of awe.
The smell did not lessen but it seemed less infringing on my nose and there was nothing rotting about it. Before us spread a layer filled with the largest eggs I had ever seen and were an opal colour. Most had tiny cracks in them but the creatures inside had not begun to emerge.
Then I looked to the far end of the cavern and all my questions were answered.
Mounted on two pillars carved from what looked like polished coal were two dragons. Not huge but more the size of a Condor. One was green with deep purple wings with a breast plate of rubies. The other was red with black wings and a breast plate of amber. Both had eyes like flaming sapphires with black reptilian pupils.
The green one said in a rumble just above a whisper but as clearly as clear can be. “What or who do we have here?”
Quite unexpectedly Roxie stepped forward. “My Lord Ragarn. Please excuse our intrusion. We came here by chance and had no idea this was your layer. We mean no harm; we seek the Lord of The Carnival to try and stop his rule of horrors.”
“We welcome Roxie the Dog girl but why have you brought a Skyfaller?” Exclaimed Lady Rageen.
“I seek the Skyfaller King to send him back to where he came from.” I spoke up in my own defense.
“Ah. You must be the one named Donald.” Ragarn replied curiously.
“Donald Harry Roberts at your service Lord Ragarn.”
“Well, at least he is more polite than that Hambones creature.” Said Lady Rageen who then did a dragon version of a smile.
“True enough but Skyfallers are Skyfallers and none come here without a dark agenda.” Ragarn added.
“Until me.” I argued.
“What makes you so different?” Asked Lady Rageen.
“I was kidnapped into Erf. Since my arrival I have seen enough to know that we of the Skyfaller world do not and should not be here. It is my intention to make, or at least help make all the Skyfallers go home.”
“But first I must get rid of old Hambones before he brings ruin to the Carnival of Erf. Carnivals are supposed to be fun, magical places, not dark and horrible.” I ranted.
“Those are tall words for a boy.” Ragarn retorted.
“My Lord." I think you are wise, but I suggest you do not underestimate Donald. There is far more to him than one sees on the surface.” Roxie came to my defense.
“We are not in a position to offer any help at this time. Our young are about to hatch, and we will be kept busy.” Rageen announced without tone of apology.
“For now, I ask for none but in the future if tension escalates and I am confronted with the King with war in the mix then maybe then you will come to the aid of Erf.” I replied with a hint of force to suggest I was demanding their participation when the time came.”
“You are indeed a warrior but a diplomat as well. It will be interesting to witness how you deal with the first hurdle of your mission which seems to be getting rid of Lord Hambones.” Said the Dragon Ragarn.
“Indeed.” I replied and added a perfunctory bow. “But first I must move forward and my way forward at this time is up, past you and out that exit.” I pointed to a faint light beyond and between two pillars.
“You may pass but be warned, the way ahead is treacherous.” Said Ragarn.
“It seems my Lord Dragon that no matter where I wander in this land there is treachery afoot so what lies ahead is not only anticipated it is just another challenge.”
“You are one gutsy kid Donald.” Roxie put in over a whisper of a chuckle.
Two
We were in the open again. The storm was still raging. I said with a sigh of half relief and half dismay. “Ragarn seems polite enough for a dragon.”
“He is a marvelous creature but if angered he can be the most ferocious and frightening beast ever created. He absolutely detests Skyfallers but can do nothing to rid Erf of them.” Roxie replied.
The mountain slope steepend as it ascended the summit, now only a few hundred feet away. We began this last curling leg of our climb with vigor. Lightning flashed all around us but never seemed to strike and well that is because we most certainly would have fried if it had.
Within a few steps we were drenched to the skin and my runner squished and squeaked with each step. I was beginning to wonder if any of this was worth it but decided that if the storm were the worst of what we must endure for the last leg of the climb it could be tolerated, but, such was not the case.
I had not noticed from below, so maybe there wasn’t any then, but now the rain turned to snow, and the slope was white with the stuff and the steps became slippery with ice turning our ascent into a disaster waiting to happen. Runners on ice don’t mix well even if the steps are fairly flat and level. Roxie was a little better off having paws with claws to grip on with.
To make matters worse I wasn’t dressed for winter conditions. The cold delved into my bones and my teeth began to chatter.
One thing went ok. Roxie produced a hooded cloak and draped it over my shoulders. It helped immensely and as long as we kept moving the cold could not settle in my bones. Roxie did not seem to mind the cold much though I would not say she liked it.
I kept my head down remembering what old Mr. Armstrong once told me. “If you are going up hill, don’t look up. There are no hills when you are looking down only your feet and the ground under them cause yer feet don’t know up from down.
And it worked though it did no good for my belly because it wasn’t long before I felt famished and it seemed worse since there was no food handy and none to be had in the near future that I knew of. I did have water, which was some small, very small consolation.
And just as I was beginning to think or worry as the case may be that this climb would never end and the cold would persist we came to a plateau, not the summit but a warm green plateau that should not have been there, because above, not fifty feet the stairs gave way to a rough, snow burdened, ragged slope so steep that even a mountain goat might think twice about trying to navigate it. But whether the warm, green sanctuary was supposed to be there or not it was and etched into the rock was an opening from within which grew an orange/yellow light that seemed to dance invitingly.
I felt the cold rushing from my bones and the new warmth easing in. It was like food to my spirit which had begun to starve. Yet Roxie warned me that not all that is pleasing to the eye and body are good things.
In reply I said, “Indeed you are more than right but for the moment the warmth is food to my spirit but that will do no good in the long run if I don’t find food for the body.” It was a statement that caused me to wonder how I managed to let myself get so easily in such a ridiculous position.
For the first time in ages I wished I were back in my simple life of setting pins in the bowling alley wrapped comfortable in my routine life and that much of the maturity that was over-powering me could be washed out with my boy-hood dreams and illusions. “How did I get here?” Exploded in my mind and of course there was no answer. I was in a place, a realm, a world called Erf and was charged with saving it from Skyfallers, which I was one. I wondered if that made me a turn coat on my own kind. But then I believed that we had no right to be there so Skyfallers had to be banished and apparently only a Skyfaller could accomplish that.
I shook off Roxie’s warning and shoved the doubt out of my thoughts and headed for the glowing adit that seemed to be the entrance to a tunnel, or a cave.
Roxie, the dog faced girl pulled me back at the threshold and stepped in front of me. “I came to keep you safe. You are the chosen one to save Erf. It would not do for me to allow you to be harmed before you accomplish your lot.” She said urgently then stepped over the threshold into the orange/yellow light.
At first she stood there in statuesque stillness, in mid stride with her canine jaws gapping open. Something low and urgent escaped her throat though it sounded nothing like fear or warning. Maybe it could be referred to as canine awe.
I tried to push in, but Roxie blocked my way by design or simply just unable to move and clear the path.
“Com’on Roxie. Let me see.” I ordered.
I had no choice but to pick her up and move her aside. I was surprised at how light my companion was. It was like seeing a stone the size of a shoe box and when you lift it was as light as an empty shoebox.
I set her aside and moved through the adit. Immediately my jaw dropped open as my eyes fixed on a sight that for that very instant in time I did not know whether I should scream in terror or…or what. My mind simply could not digest what opened before me and what was there looking back at me not sure if I should scream in terror or…or what.
Three
Stretching before me was the past, like a movie only in 3d. I had stepped back in time to witness the harshness of those first hunter gatherers, but it did not quite fit into what I had been taught in school. Yet here I was watching cave men cutting up their kill, a beastly dinosaur that in the second I had forgotten its name other than big with huge sharp teeth.
I forced my gaze to meet Roxie’s discovering that she too was in awe of the expanse before us, I suppose because she was in part, an animal.
Of course, my sensible self-urged me to turn around and go back the way I came but the adventurer in me dictated that I keep going forward. Besides, I was not going to find old Hambones or the self-proclaimed King of Erf by turning tail and running.
Just in case you have forgotten, I was eleven years of age and though more grown up than most at that age I still had that kid mentality, which actually never left me. I had no fear of dying or anything like that because I figured I was never going to die. But I was well aware I could hurt, since I had broken my arm, a tooth and suffered numerous, very painful gashes in my knees. I knew pain and was not all that interested in experiencing it again.
Nonetheless we moved on, to the left and away from the hunters and their prey. And, for FYI, cavemen don’t have neat hair or anything remotely resembling a hygienic nature. Their hair was matted, and their faces were unshaven, also matted and I could see their finger nails were dirty and broken. The knowledge put my vision of the movie versions of these creatures in a whole new light.
We kept low with our heads below the height of the tall grass. I walked along a quietly as any human can, but Roxie shushed me several times until we came to a shallow brook and crossed it easily disappearing into the cover a forest made up of trees of prehistoric nature. But even though we escaped being detected by the cave men we had not gone un-noticed. There are beasts here, though not huge, very nasty with sharp claws and teeth not so unlike the wolverine and badgers of our own forests.
I was wishing I had something to defend myself with besides my hands and teeth and promptly found a branch just about right for me to use as a club. Roxie picked up another. I found myself wishing I had her canines as well.
We had just come into a clearing when suddenly we were surrounded people who were much more advanced along the evolutionary highway than the cave man and, for the record, pale skin is a rarity. These people were a deep brown skinned folk and fortunately more curious than deadly though they did have their bows trained on us and five approached us with wooden swords and shields. I was amazed to find them not much taller than me.
“Hello.” I greeted and the approaching group stopped in their tracks and stared at me for several seconds.
“Hello.” I repeated and this time one came in closer.
I almost fell over when the fellow said. “Skyfaller.” In a way that he was asking and telling me at the same time.
“Yes. I am a Skyfaller and I am here looking for others like myself.”
“There are many. Young like you.”
“I am Donald.” I introduced myself and nearly went into shock when my host kneeled and said. “He, the savior has come among us at last.” And at that all the other forest people knelt and started chanting, “Donald The Savior has come at last.”
“Wait. Wait. I have come seeking a Skyfaller named Hambones.”
“Hambones the beast. Hambones the beast.” They started chanting something new.
“Do you know where he is?” I queried. The one who seemed to be the leader pointed in a direction that was certain to take us back to the cave men. Which unfortunately made sense.
Suddenly the leader handed me his bow and a quiver of several long thin arrows. Then he gave another to Roxie and finally he offered us both a sword and shield.
I should have felt honoured and like a hero, but the truth be told the whole idea of bearing weapons frightened me and not just a little. For the first time in my life I was having exceptions to the idea of my demise. It suddenly seemed a plausible factor in my adventures in Erf.
“Come. You must see the others like you. They are not as fortunate as Donald, but then none of them are the savior.”
“Have they come to harm?” I asked anxiously.
“No, but yes. You must see them to understand. Kowana will take you there.” He announced tapping his chest.
The forest changed the deeper in we went. It became a jungle with sounds that sent chills up and down my spine. Roxie’s ears twitched constantly, and she sniffed the air turning her head back and forth like a wolf hunting or wary of danger.
At last we came to a city carved into the living rock of a mountain slope. Hundreds of dwellings with stairs reaching up to each one and joining the levels of which there had to be fifty. Each dwelling supported a balcony to which the stairs reached. But we did not go there. As we came to the foot of the mountain Kowana led us to the right along a path that took us into a long narrow canyon.
“You must continue on your own from here.” Kowana announced. Ultla people never return if we go there. I am the only one who ever escaped, and I will not go again.”
It seems to me that no matter who one deals with there is always an element attached to him, her or they that will offer there help but always with great limitations. This was not the first time I was sent forward alone without really knowing what I would find.
I did not like the idea of being abandoned but I thanked Kowana for all he did do for us and he told us when we were finished in the canyon we were welcome to return to their city.
Roxie and I moved into the shadow of the Canyon walls. Never in my life had I experienced such a silence and air as dead as…I have no comparison.
My heart skipped a beat then when suddenly……
Four
I have often wondered throughout my life about people who tell stories about monsters. I wondered if they had encountered them in the same way as I encountered the monster in the canyon, a single beast but with many heads and no head the same as another. I imaged the terror Jason must have felt facing the seven headed dragon, a monster we shared in the head count though only one was a dragon winding about on it long scaly neck.
I wanted to turn back but my focus was on the young Skyfallers that were stranded somewhere in the canyon or someplace beyond. To find and get to them it seemed I had to get past the monster.
I nocked an arrow into my bow and Roxie followed suit. We raised our bows ready to cause an assault on the monster, but something stayed my fingers from letting loose the arrow.
In Erf, magic or sorcery, whatever one wishes to call it is subtle at times; meaning its presence is almost undetectable unless a light hits in a certain way or a slight blur of vision bends the minds perception of what the eyes see. Sometimes what the bio-camera perceives has been masked with a spell of illusion and that is what stayed my fingers.
I caught a glimpse of something through the veil of illusion and lowered my bow, urging Roxie to do the same. Before complying she sniffed the air and in a low quizzical growl said, “I have the scent of Skyfallers in my nostrils that are not you Donald.”
“The monster; It is not as it appears. It is an illusion. There is sorcery being cast here but for what reason I don’t know.” I replied in a manner out of myself. It was as though someone or something had grasped me from inside.
Suddenly Roxie howled and it echoed through the canyon like vanishing voice lost in a dream. But then the monster reared, and all its heads flailed the air like wet leather whips, snapping maws and spitting venom and crying out hateful curses.
The body, some sort of hoofed beast reared up and its taloned hooves clawed angrily at the air. And Roxie howled again and again until the monster worked itself into a senseless frenzy unable to gain control of its madness. I wanted to question Roxie but felt my words would interfere with whatever she was doing.
Instead I cried out in a voice that was only half mine and in it I could sense the wisdom of my old friend and mentor back in Mundania. “Who are you? Why are you clad in this fearful costume? I demand that you show your face.
And it did…or should I say the façade fell away and there stood seven Skyfallers, younger even than myself, no more than five or six years of age. But more so I saw an ancient white hair woman that could not have looked happy if all the joy in the world was placed at her feet.
“Mrs Binkley!” I gasped. She was in the land of Skyfallers a wretched woman with the meanest disposition I have ever experienced.
“Go away brat. This is my canyon. The Skyfaller King has made me Lady of this Realm and mistress over all who enter it.”
“So, it is you who has been kidnapping the Kowana and snatching Skyfaller kids from their homes. and imprisoning them here?”
“No. I have kidnapped no one. They come of their own free will, but they may never leave. They are my servants and my army. The children are only too happy to come here. I offer them their hearts desires and they serve me for the gifts I give them.”
“Not any more they won’t because I have come to free them and to stop Old Hambones and to yank the Skyfaller King from his throne when I find him.”
Mrs. Binkley cackled like the witch she was then started to choke on her own spit, but she recovered quickly, turned and fled deeper into the canyon. “Kill them. Kill them all. Kill the Brats and the intruders.” She screamed viciously, but nothing happened. Instead a great silence came over the canyon.
The children gathered round me. Their eyes filled with hope. “Have you really come to save us?” One asked.
“Yes. You will get to leave the canyon and go back to the Kowana people. They will care for you until I can find a way to get you home. Now run. Run as fast as you can. I will take care of Mrs. Binkley.”
I did not need to tell the kids a second time to run away. They were out of sight in a few seconds and in the other direction I could hear Mrs. Binkley yelling and screaming with such anger I thought she might blow a gasket. But seconds later Roxie and I were faced with another beast, a red dragon with yellow flames bursting from her maw and huge fangs curving downward dripping with blood. It bore the face of Mrs. Binkley.
“What have you done?” I demanded.
Mrs. Binkley did not answer my question. She just roared again, and this time whipped her tail about like a flail and it was then that I saw it was shaped just like the leather strap she used in the class room to punish her students, usually for no reason that would pass as a reason in this time.
Then she turned on us and a flame belched from her maw that nearly fried Roxie, had she not been quick like a fox to perform a back flip into the air and land a half dozen feet out of range.
Unfortunately, that made the old bag even angrier which proved here undoing because even in Erf she was as old as dirt and mad as a hatter.
She spun around and her flame swirled into the air then snuffed out in a puff of smoke. Then with a cry of terror she blinked into her human self and was twirling around in some kind of daze. She began singing though it was more like a frog voice that came out her mouth and at last she faded, faded, faded to a ghostly form and finally disappeared completely. It seemed in that moment the entire canyon sighed a sigh of relief.
I do not recall how long I stood there staring at the empty air where Mrs. Binkley vanished, uncertain if I was happy or just relieved that she was gone. At the same time I experience a sense of sadness or maybe it was pity for the old woman because I half understood now what made her the way she was in the Skyfallers world and she taught me in that moment that Erf, after a fashion was connected to the Skyfallers reality though my young mind was unable to fathom how, only that there was an interaction or inter-junction of the two.
I turned to see what Roxies reaction was, but she was nowhere to be seen and though I searched the canyon for nearly an hour she was nowhere to be found and in that moment I experienced a profound sense of loneliness. And once again as I came to a bend at the end of the canyon the world around me was transformed. Ahead, on a knoll rising out of a wide rich green meadow rose a tower made of gold vein onyx on top of which stood a gem of such amber glistening in the sun that I was awestruck. And my eyes perceived that something was held within the jewel. Not until I drew closer did I fathom the enormity of the gem and recognize its contents.
The Oracle Of Erf
Within The Amber
The closer to the tower I got the more I realized it was not a tower but a three sided obelisk as smooth as glass and no sign of a ladder or windows or even chinks so I could climb to the top. I found myself in need of assistance when none was there to have, not even in the form of advice which always seem to be present before then. It was not a good time for all those I was to help to abandon me, but there was the fact before me. I stood alone to figure out what I was to do next and the task, the more I pondered it, the more it seemed an impossible one. All my imagination was empty.
Hours passed and I noticed something odd. The sun remained in the same place it had been when I arrived, yet the moon, as full as the moon can be, and the stars shone in the dark back ground of space and in the middle of the night sky hung Orion.
I watched as a single ray of sun light and an equally singular moon ray joined touching the amber jewel and in an puff of light it vanished and there stood a boy, no older in looks than myself. He jumped from the height of the obelisk and I started at first but instead of plummeting to his death he floated down gracefully and settled upon the grass gently but by then I was too alarmed to take notice of anything except that I was looking at myself, a mirror image of me. A doppelganger of myself and when I moved it moved as though it could move of its own volition.
I said to myself. “I need this explained.”
I told myself. “Odd. I would have thought by now you understood.”
I said to my doppelganger. “I have been too busy hunting down the villains that have set Erf in a quagmire of confusion and fell Lords. I seek Hambones and the King of The Skyfallers.
“Well I suppose in your mind that is what is important, and you must follow that path Donald but one day you will become enlightened, suddenly I think, and then you will look in a mirror and say to me, your doppelganger, “Why did I not understand this before. I could have saved myself a lot of stress.” “But then maybe it is all about the adventure and journey and without both the reward would seem fruitless and ill gained.”
The sky was as clear as any blue sky could possibly be but suddenly there was a long roll of distant thunder that grew into an enormous Erf shaking crash that faded into a clattering confusion. My doppelganger heard it to and looked up but didn’t say anything. At least I knew he had heard it too, so I decided it was not just my imagination.
I was at a loss not knowing what to do next or where to go or even why I was there. I had not tracked old Hambones, nor did it seem I had come any closer to finding this oddity and monarchial ruler of a land where he did not belong.
I ask my doppelganger, but he knew nothing beyond his metaigneous existence within the amber stone, which was of course merely a journey within the mind, not across the vast and seemingly endless terrain of Erf.
I was just about to leave my doppelganger to his amber domain atop the obelisk when he said very thoughtfully. “Your Mr. Hambones is hiding here in the greens very much afraid that you will come and expose him. He is not the ogre he projects but a frightened boy imprisoned in adulthood. It would be to your credit to help him emerge from his fears rather than help destroy him.”
I do not know how I understood what my doppelganger meant by hiding but the fact remains I knew old Hambones had taken refuge in the amber stone and that however I decided to deal with him I would have follow him in.
Little did I know there was something off square about the whole situation.
My doppelganger took my hand and we rose up into the air to the height of the amber stone then glided slowly toward it. From there with the way the sun was touching it, it seemed to have something inside, something I saw just as my doppelganger pushed me in. The next thing I knew I had stumbled into a place full that something inside of me said I should have recognized but at that moment it was foreign to my eyes and mind except that Old Hambones was in there dancing around like a fool and scratching away at his fiddle making sounds that curled my teeth and made me want to pee.
‘Stop. Stop.” I yelled as loud as I could, but Hambones played even louder.
I was about to rush him and rip the fiddle from his fingers, then I remembered what my doppelganger told me.
Suddenly I was sitting at my school desk in Mundanieland gazing out the window over a wide sea filled with fire and burning warships I had seen in pictures of world war two. And standing on the deck of one was old Hambones, not old but a young sailor. I could see his face clearly as the look of youthful innocence faded and was replaced by a deep fear as the boy was forced into manhood. In that moment all the anger I felt toward the man faded and my spirit warmed.
Before my eyes, the old man disintegrated into star dust and I could hear the sweetest music a violin could ever possibly emit and then floating away I saw a child working the bow upon the strings of his instrument and smile upon his lips. A moment later I was in the Mundanie class room and the grumpy old Hambones was no longer. In his place was a brilliant violinist with a warm look in his eyes and when they met mine there grew an understanding bridge that I knew would change things for ever for the better between us.
The next thing I became aware of was my doppelganger standing in front of me with his arms out-stretched. I touched his hands and he faded and once again I was standing on the midway of the Carnival of Erf and there was a sense of happiness among the characters of the Carnival and it’s visitors.
And the thunder rolled ending in a great crash and the world about me turn black as pitch and silent except a ringing, ringing, ringing in my ears.
Erf The Infinite Realm
Aders Drin And
Journey Through The Yukersnok Mire
The actual moment of realization cannot be pinned down to an exact time. It happened over a vast period and came to fullness only when it was all over.
Aders Drin banged his head on a low hanging branch as he rode his horse along a supposedly well-manicured bridle path. It knocked him off his horse flipping him ass over tea kettle, twice before he landed on the cinder path with a long scraping action that burned a hole in his trousers and scraped a few layers of skin off his buttocks. I guess he should have paid closer attention.
How long he laid there, unconscious before he came too, to the experience of nausea, excruciating pain and a severe sense of disorientation, from road rash and the head butting contest with a tree branch causing an enormous headache and a welt as big as a goose egg on his forehead.
When he woke Aders was no longer on the bridle path and his horse was nowhere to be seen. In fact, there was no path at all. In its place was a swamp in which Aders was standing up to his knees and his knee-high riding boots were full of water.
"Where am I?" He asked weakly.
"Hummm. A human in Yukersnok. Again." The answer came gurgling through.
Aders looked about, hither and tither until he spied a frog floating just below the surface of the water and its mouth was moving.
"What mess do you get into to bring you to Yukersnok Mire?"
"Banged my head and fell off my horse." Aders Drin answered. "At least that is what happened just before I got here."
"Of course. You humans never come here unless there is some dramatic dilemma"
"Well push on you. I didn't come here willingly."
The frog, whose name was Ferrrog, crawled up onto a lily pad and fixed his big, black, bulbous eyes on Aders. It was a critical stare. One that a judge might afford a criminal who has just been found guilty of a nauseous crime.
Ferrrog said in his natural croaking voice. "Willingly or not, you are here and should not be here and most definantly should not be able to be having this conversation. This circumstance of course means something very strange and unorthodox is happening. You are the first human who is capable of conversing with the inhabitants of Yukersnok."
"Not true. Not true." Another indigenous of Yukersnok blurted out. Aders head snapped around and there in a mound of drier earth stood a Venus flytrap with its jaws flipping open and closed gobbling up flies.
"I've gone over the edge. My brain is scrambled. Still I must ask, "Who else like me has come to the oddity of places?"
"The old hermit. He came in through the Bog and lives in a shack near the bog he came through." Described Mr. Flytrap.
"And where do I find him and his bog?" Asked Aders Drin.
"That way" Flytrap pointed.
"Good. I will go find him and maybe he can explain all this to me." Aders announced and strode off at a hurried pace wanting nothing more to do with talking frogs and Venus Flytraps.
And he did not have to walk far, nor did he get away from indigenousness that could talk.
Indeed, he found the hermits shack, but he was also confronted by a talking turtle and snake, both who wanted to know who was trespassing in Yukersnok.
"Why are you interloping in Yukersnok Human." The Turtle, a large snapper, demanded.
"Indeed." Hissed the snake.
"Like I told the frog and the Trap. I bumped my head on a branch and got knocked of my horse. When I woke, I was here.”? Aders answered. "Now I am looking for the Hermit."
The Turtle laughed. "He's looking for Mr. Crotchol at this time of day."
"Humans really are odd creatures. Who would look for Hermit Crotchol before the morning rain?"
"Only a fool." The snake replied...hisssssssssss.
"Where can I find him before the morning rain?" Aders queried suspiciously.
"Asleep in the Bog of course. How could you not know that?" Demanded the Turtle.
"Where is the Bog?" Aders inquired.
The snaked flicked its tongue in the direction of the Bog which was next to the shack hidden by brambles and hawthorns.
"Thank you, Mr. Snake." Aders responded distractedly as he walked toward the bog.
"You might be sorry for disturbing the Hermit. He's a grump this time of day." Warned the turtle.
"Right now, he ain't half as mean as I feel. My head is throbbing now, and my stomach is flipping up and over. I might barf." Replied Aders.
"I suggest you do not barf in the Bog." Mr. Crotchol will not be pleased." Hisssssssed Mr. Snake.
The bog was just a bog if you know anything about bogs. If not look it up and educate yersef. Wikipedia would be a good place. And nowhere could Aders see anything that resembled a hermit, or a Mr. Crotchol or humanish for that manner. Something did slither deeper into the bog though...and disappeared in a blink of light.
"What the hey. I'll just follow the Slithery thing." Cried Aders as he jumped feet first into the bog...just as he barfed. I am sure you can imagine the mess it caused, unless of course you have never barfed before.
Well. Here we are at the end of our story and I am sure you want to know what happened to Aders Drin. To be quite honest I don't really know. I ran out of coffee before I came up with the answer and since I really have to get on with my day I must move on.
However. There is a silver lining in the bog of your imagination so you can decide the fate of Aders Drin in your own way. Or you could always go try and find Mr. Crotchol, and if you happen into fall into Yukersnok Mire as the next victims of fate did you may come across Aders Drin…maybe.
Another Unexpected Journey
Into Yukersnok
Part One
The Gateway To Yukersnok City
This is a tale of adventure in a weirdish kind of place on the far reaches of the Land of Erf where everyone lives in the middle of an outlandish drama where no one is in possession of all one's mental faculties and everyone is very enthusiastic and excited about someone or something or some ridiculous event.
It tells the story of how Runyard Belliwick, his sister Betina and their cousin on their mothers side, Estovyn Hashkin who went out one day to play a dirty trick on the nasty old man down the street but instead fell down a hole trap in his front yard, meant for stray cats and dogs and sales people and never stopped falling until they landed in a mucky, slimy critter swamp pool with a swarm of three inch long leeches, then it turned really weird and frighteningly hilarious, if you can imagine such a thing.
If you know anything at all about swamps and swamp pools you will know that they are not particularly deep but have very muddy oozy bottoms to grab your shoes and if you are not careful the oozy muck will steal them, and your socks if you let it. But these three unsuspecting victims of the old man’s trap got lucky that day. They did not have their shoes or socks stolen because the weren ’t wearing any, but they did get covered in leeches which made Runyard shout, “Oh Yuck”, and Estovyn yell, Get’em off me, Get’em off me”, nearly in a panic and Belina screamed only like a frightened nine year old girl can scream when in that kind of very scary situation. And they kept shouting and yelling and screaming until they finally found a dry patch of earth and got all the leeches off each other, which as you may know if you have ever had a leech attach itself to you, is a very difficult thing to do.
But they finally managed to get leech free after an hour of picking and pulling and wishing they had thought to bring matches, but of course they had not considered bringing matches because they were not out to set anything on fire and had no idea they would be falling down a hole into a swamp pool.
Of course, their most obvious next question after they collected themselves is, “Where are we?”
Well now, I must say if you have ever read the mis-adventure type story of a misshaped fellow name Aders Drin you would immediately recognize that Runyard, Betina and Estovyn had misshaped themselves into the Yukersnok Mire which can only be found in the midst or at the end of some foulish deed or failure to pay attention to what is going on around you. Aders banged his head on a tree limb while riding a horse.
Well. Maybe I gave you the wrong impression when I made it seem like the Yukersnok Mire was/is the only element to Yukersnok. My deepest apologies because Yukersnok is made up of many elements and the Mire is but one. It just happened that Runyard, Betina and Estovyn dropped into the same place as Aders Drin. I assure you it does not always happen that way and our trio of pranksters will soon find themselves smack in the middle of a completely different element as or more absurd than the Mire called Yukersnok City with all sorts of goobligunk mashed into the mix.
And now that, that has been sorted out let’s get back to our trio still stuck on an island in the east-run region of the mire and not so very far from its border and the wrought iron gate, that separates it neatly from the city.
Runyard, Betina and Estovyn argued for several minutes over what they should do next until Betina simply took a hop skip and a jump over the narrows between the island and another long stretch of higher land that seemed to lead out of the mire into a brighter place.
“We should go that way.” Betina pointed at the brighter light. I think there are fewer trees where the sun can get in and dry things up a little.”
“You are quite right sister of mine.” Replied Runyard who did his own hop, skip and jump over the narrows with Estovyn close at his heels.
When they were all safely and comfortably over Runyard said, “Lead on oh wisest among us”, in a teasing sort of way that brothers do to sisters.
Betina sneered at her brother and set off toward the brighter light that seem to be outside the mire. But they had only gone a short way when a very large snake slithered on to the path ridden by a rather soggy looking character who looked very much like a Bogman. “If you are looking for that creepy hermit Mr. Crotchol go home. He has been missing for some time and I am beginning to wonder if he ever existed, but if you want help here in the Mire of Yurkersnok I’ll be delighted to assist. Aders Drin at your service.”
“You could help us by telling us how to get out of here and go home.” Betina demanded.
“No. I cannot do that because I do not even know how to get myself home. So, we are both stuck here in Yukersnok Mire.” Aders Drin replied with a snarl in his tone and the snake hissed and slithered to and fro.
“Very well. Then tell me what is there.” Betina pointed toward the light that seemed outside the Mire.
“Awe. I do not know. I have gone that way many times but have never come to the end of Yukersnok. It seems to grow the further you walk or run for that matter and not even my slithering friend here can help me. I believe that once you fall into Yukersnok Mire you are its prisoner even though I have heard that there is a Yukersnok City. I suppose it’s pure luck that governs which one you fall into.” Aders Drin replied a little less snarly. “But I think if you three were to take a ride on my snake it might take you to the city.”
Runyard stared at Aders Drin for a long time then said in a very serious voice. “You are trying to trick us.” It was only a guess, but Runyard could see deep into the man’s eyes and all he saw was darkness at first, then he saw Aders with an old man riding on a slithery snake. “Just like old Crotchol tricked you so he could escape the Mire.” He accused.
“Wretched brat.” Cried Aders Drin. As he spurred the snake to attack Runyard, but at that very moment cousin Estovyn picked up a big clot of mud and threw it in the snakes face and then threw another into Aders’ face and yelled, “Run…Run…Run… while we have the chance.”
Led by Estovyn the three kids ran as fast as they could toward the bright light just beyond the mire, but they could not run quite fast enough because Aders Drin quickly wiped away the mud and turned his snake to give chase and we all know that snakes that slither and curl can move very fast when they are chasing prey.
With Aders Drin close on their heels the three kids skidded to a halt when they came to a huge wrought iron gate barring their way to a bridge that crossed a river filled with water as dark as tar. To the left and right the mire spread out of sight and they could see leeches resting on lilly pads or clinging to frogs and snakes and squirrels who mis-happed into the thick murk of the mire.
Adres Drin’s snake reared to a slithering halt only a few feet away. “Foolish children. You cannot escape Yukersnok Mire or me, Lord Aders Drin, appointed by his majesty the Skyfaller King. You will be my subjects and slaves.”
Betina quickly grabbed the handle of the gate and started to pull but it was too heavy for her. “Come help me. The gate is not locked.” She cried out fretfully as the Drin’s snake coiled and reared to strike.
Suddenly the gate swung open and a boy charged through raising an enormous slingshot. “Stand down Swamp man or I will pelt you with stones.”
Quickly Aders Drin turned his snake away and they slithered back into the swamp. Then the boy turned his attention to Betina, Runyard and Estovyn and said. “Since you entered Erf into Yukersnok Mire you must have been up to some nasty little shenanigans in Mundanie Land. I should just leave you here, but everyone needs a chance to change their ways.
“Who are you?” Betina demanded obstinately.
“Donald I am. Welcome to Erf and Yukersnok City.” The boy replied and ushered his charges through the gate.
Part Two
In Yukersnok City
Yukersnok City is a calamity of realities, perceptions and configurations. Runyard Belliwick, his sister Betina and their cousin on their mother's side, Estovyn Hashkin regarded their rescuer, Donald, with an intense curiosity for what they saw at first was an 11-year-old kid, then on a second glance an old man and on a third glance a young princely sort of fellow. Then, much to their alarm, he said, “Now you are safe from the mire and no longer require my assistance but beware, Yukersnok City has its own unique curiosities and issues.” Then he vanished leaving the three new Skyfallers to explore the vast city before them.
Runyard scratched his head and hummed. “I've never been in a big city but I have seen lots of photos and this does not look anything like any city I have ever seen.”
“I have been to several cities because my Dad travels a lot and sometimes in the summer he takes me with him. I have never seen one like this.” Cousin Estovyn replied agreeably.
“Of course not you dolts. We are in a totally different world called Erf and this is like a country or at least a province called Yukesnok and even judging by name it is going to be different, weirdly different, just like the Mire and Yukersnok City is going to be just as different, weirdly and delightful all at the same time. Imaging skyscrapers that look like a mountain with hundreds of rows of cave doors and windows. And there, the sign reads The Yukersnok Hotel and it looks like a palace in the clouds.”
“Hey. There is a car and it looks like a miniature dragon. And there…a train like a roller coaster only with closed cars and the engine is shaped like a buffalo.”
“Yes Sis we can see.” Runyard cut her off. “And I suppose we must go in or back to the Mire.” He added ruefully.
“We know going back is not an option so onward we go.” Said Betina and took the lead ahead.
“Yez Mazza,” Estovyn snarled sarcastically, wishing he could just click his heels or something and go home.
They went only a short distance when everything changed. Now they were at the edge of a deep, gorge over which spanned a wide bridge carved out of stone lined with houses and towers and market kiosks. At the bottom of the gorge was a miniature town, just like something someone might built with models, including a train whizzing along a track that went everywhere, including through mountain tunnels.
Up in the sky is another city, off to the south sitting on deep grey clouds that are shedding rain into the gorge and a twin city in the north shedding snow down into the gorge.
“This is not natural,” said Runyard in a somewhat mesmerized tone. “Its all very exciting actually.”
Betina stepped onto the bridge, expecting anything, but with the first step nothing happened, nor with the second or when she went a few more steps.
When Runyard followed nothing happened then either. But when Estovyn set just one foot on the bridge trumpets started wailing and flocks of birds flew up into the air dancers came out of thin air, dancing a jig to the cry of bagpipes and the thunder of drums.
As suddenly as it all started it stopped and things went nearly silent as a man, and odd looking woman came toward them. Not walking but gliding on a carpet just inches above the ground. When s she was very near the carpet stopped and she stepped off.
Now standing directly in front of Betina she said in a music voice but not like singing, “I was told by Donald you had arrived and that I was to treat you nicely, which I may have done anyway since I am not a bad witch by nature, though when provoked I can do bad things to bad people. I understand you came into Erf through Yurkersnok Mire which means you were either up to no good or were not paying attention to where you were walking.”
Betina interjected, just a little shamefully, “A little bit of both actually but I think we would have thought better of what we were planning to do before we actually did it. We are not naturally bad kids. Its just that the old man we were going to play a nasty trick is himself kind of nasty. He hurts cats and dogs and…”
“Bad does not fix bad and I do hope you would have realized that if you hadn’t fallen into Yukersnok.” The Witch interrupted.
No matter. The point is, you are here now and that could be good or bad, fun or not so fun. I am Witch Hemlock and I was sent by the Governor of Yukersnok to welcome you. I am also here to warn you that if by chance you have come to do bad things you will answer to me for doing them.”
“All I want is to go home”, said Estovyn.
“I would like to explore a little before we go back.” Runyard announced and Betina said in a whimsical voice, “Maybe we could stay, at least maybe I could stay. This seems much nicer than home, certainly more exciting.”
“You may explore all you wish, which you may have to do anyway if you think you want to find a way out of Yukersnok. But I should warn you, you might be able to leave our city, but you may end up elsewhere in Erf.” Said Witch Hemlock.
“I would rather not explore. I want to go straight home.” Estovyn groaned miserably.
Hemlock explained with a sly grin, “That will be impossible unless all of you go. You all came here together, and you can only leave together. However, if you would like to come with me I could make your stay nice.”
“Would I get to ride on your flying carpet?” Estovyn asked excitedly.
“No Cousin. Stay with us.” Betina pleaded urgently, but Estovyn did not hear her.
Instead he asked, “Can you help me get back to my own world?”
“Yes, but you must do something for me first.” Answered the witch.
“You are going to get us all into trouble. We must stick together Estovyn.” Runyard urged.
“I can help you all get back. In fact, you may find that your only way back is through me.” Witch Hemlock cackled like only a witch with a nasty side to her can cackle.
Just about then several things happened but they started off with Runyard doing something out of character and possibly something very brave thought as he did it the act seemed mean and devious.
He clunk Estovyn in the chin with a powerful left hook punch and knocked he down, unconscious. Then he picked his cousin up, threw him over his shoulder and ran, calling to Betina to follow him, which she did.
At almost but not quite the same time three Gargoyles swept down from somewhere up above and snatched all three off the bridge while Hemlock cursed them seven ways to nowhere and crying out, “You can’t have them. They are mine. I found them first.”
“Snooze ya lose witchy.” Cried back one of the Gargoyles. “You should have carried them off before we saw them.” Another chortled.
“I don’t think we are being rescued.” Runyard yelped.
“We are being hijacked.” Cried Betina.
Estovyn just cried and screamed and tried to get loose which was kind of dumb since now her was several hundred feet up in the air headed for the south floating city of Yukersnok City.
“You have a date with Destiny.” Said one of the Gargoyles. She is.”
Estovyn broke loose and with a desperate cry somewhere between joy and terror he fell and fell and fell.
“Oops. Destiny is not going to be happy. She needs all three for her spell.” Said a Gargoyle.
“Destiny is a witch too.” Said Betina.
“No. She is a Princess.” One of the Gargoyles said sarcastically. Are you so stupid. Yukersnok City is Witch City, but the Warlocks call it Warlock City. Of she is a witch.”
“I think that fellow Donald may not have done us any favours.” Runyard said.
“Oh my. Are you friends of the Great Donald King Hunter and Hero of Erf.” One of the Gargoyles asked anxiously.
“We are.” Answered Betina. “He opened the gate to Yukersnok for us and saved us from Aders Drin.
“Oh no. Even for Destiny we will do no harm to a friend of Donald’s.” All three Gargoyles wailed fearfully then the ones holding Betina and Runyard in their talons let go and dropped them.
They fell and fell, and they fell until they caught up to Estovyn, then they all kept falling together into the gorge. Deeper and deeper.
“We are going to be bashed to death when we hit the ground.” Estovyn yelped horrifically. But just a few feet from the cobble stone street of Gorge Town or Lower Yukersnok City a might draft picked them up and set them down gently though not in the best place they could have hoped to land.
“What the blazes. Who is mucking around in my wine vat who ain’t supposed to be muckin around in my wine vat. You will ruin my juice and I must have seven barrels ready for the King.”
“Oh boy. More trouble. That is all this place is. Nothing but trouble.” Estovyn griped miserably as he climbed out of the vat. And I smell yucky.”
“What King?” Demanded Betina.
“What King. What King. What a silly question. The only King of course. The Skyfaller King.” Yelled the wine maker.
Suddenly there was a clap of thunder and Donald appeared in a flash of light. “Wine maker. Do you know where the Sky Faller King is?” he demanded to know fiercely.
“Oh. Donald. I didn’t know you were here, or even nearby.” Replied the wine maker.
“You yelled so loud I could hear you all the way from Mr. Armstrong’s farm. Now answer me.” Donald ordered.
“Well bedashabalded Donald. Ain’t no one knows where the Skyfaller King holds up. All I know is I make the wine and I leaves it out in seven barrels at night. When I look in the morning after the barrels is gone and in there place is more grapes and a pot of gold.”
Donald glanced at Betina, then at Runyard and finally at Estovyn. Then smiled and said, “You have had a time of it already here in Erf. I suggest you start looking for a way home before its to late and you have to stay here forever, but not in Yukersnok. You could be spirited off to some place nasty, especially if the Skyfaller King spies you out.”
Then again Donald disappeared.
All of a sudden they were surrounded by Gnomes. The Garden variety in fact and they were friendly, or as friendly as a gnome can be in the presence of humans. The curious thing was they were as big, tall that is, and taller, as the kids. It was then that they noticed, after he put his hat on, that the wine maker was also a gnome.
“Welcome to Lower Yukersnok or, as we like to call it Gnome Town. I am Mr. Mayor and you have met Mr. Wine Maker.”
“Well Mr. Mayor. Can you tell us how to get out this horrible place and back home?” Estovyn snarled.
“Well I suppose I can after a fashion, a way that everyone knows or should know. The way home is to go forward and to do that you must follow your toes and your nose.” Mr. Mayor answered cheerfully.
Estovyn looked up and said, “What about going up?”
“Well, if up is going forward I suppose that would be the way, but it would be difficult to follow your toes and nose, unless of course you can walk up walls like the walls of the gorge. But that would be defying the laws of gravity and that means you would need a witch or warlock or even someone more powerful like a Sorcerer or Sorceress or dare I mention, a Wizard. But that of course would not make it a certainty that you would find home. It would only make it so that you can walk up walls.” Explained the Mayor.
“Well, that was a mouth full of nothing helpful.” Estovyn replied disheartened.
“Is it possible to go forward from here?” Betina inquired thoughtfully.
“Well, I can not say that I can answer that question since no matter which way you go in lower Yukersnok City it ends. To the north you come to the Shrooms which is an enormous cavern that is very dark where we grow our mushrooms. To the south is where we grow a certain kind of grape for a special kind of wine that can not be grown anywhere else in Erf and that we sell at market in Upper Yukersnok City.” Explained Mr. Mayor.
“Ok. Explain how you get up to Upper City.” Betina asked in frustration and rolling her eyes she added, “You could have told us about this before without going on a big conversation about it.”
Mr. Mayor smiled and answered, “It is really simple. We take the elevator.”
“And where is this marvel of technology?” Demanded Estovyn.
“There.” Mr. Mayor pointed to a device that looked an awful lot like a baby’s playpen only much bigger.
Runyard went to examine the elevator and discovering no motors or pulleys or cables he asked the obvious question, “How does it work?”
“Again, I have a simple answer.” Replied Mr. Mayor. “You step on, through the gate,” which he opened, “then when everything and every one that is and are going up you close the gate and it goes up.”
“Come on. Lets go back up to Upper Yukersnok City and, well, go forward I guess,” cheered Runyard.
And at that he stepped onto the elevator floor, followed by his sister and cousin and closed the gate.
Immediately and quickly the elevator started up making the passenger feel like they were leaving their stomachs behind.
The elevator came to a sliding kind of stop and the gate opened. When the passengers stepped off they found themselves in a quaint and quite pretty little old English Market village that was slightly elevated, looking down at the bridge part of Yukersnok.
“If this gets any weirder I am going to throw up.” Estovyn complained.
“I think it is delightful, and I am hungry. Lets find something to eat.” Betina replied and led the way to a kiosk that was selling sandwiches made with buns rather than sliced bread.
“Ah, Skyfallers. Haven’t seen the likes of yous for a time and a time.” Said the Dwarf attendant.
“We were rescued by Donald from that creep Aders Drin in Yukersnok Mire.” Said Estovyn who was eyeing a thick corned beef sandwich. “How much is that?” He asked.
“Seven Yukersnok Pennies.” Answered the Dwarf.
“Oh. Well I don’t think I have any Yukersnok money, just coins from home.” Estovyn replied.
“I will take Mundanie coins.” Said the Dwarf with a sly grin.
“Of course, you will, but you should also tell them that Mundanie money is worth scads more than Erf money anywhere is.” A voice came from behind Estovyn.
“Donald.” Estovyn almost shouted. “I thought you left us here to go on our own.”
“Well, I did, but I found I was at loose ends so I thought I would stop in and see how you are making out.” Donald replied.
“We are still here. Does that tell you anything. We are still trying to figure out how to go home.” Estovyn said moodily as he snatched up the corned beef sandwich and paid for it with a quarter.
“Very generous Skyfaller. I owe you thirty five Yukersnok pennies.” Announced the Dwarf and Estovyn held out his right hand, palm up while he raised the sandwich to his mouth with the left.
“I will take a ham and cheese sandwich. My cousin will pay.” Runyard said before the Dwarf delivered the change.
Then Betina asked for a chicken salad sandwich also paid by Estovyn’s money who snarled but finally accepted his change, now only fifteen Yukersnok pennies.
Estovyn swallowed the bite of sandwich he was chewing then confronted Donald sharply, “So, Mr. Know it all. How about giving us a clue how to get home.”
Donald smiled tolerantly. He was aware that the boy’s fierceness was brought on by fear, fear of the unknown and fear of things bigger than him, much like it is with a Bully, though Estovyn was not a Bully by description.
“Well my friend, go forward is certainly good advice though in doing so one must expect to experience some kind or kinds of adventures. I would suggest you return to the bridge and walk in the direct away from Yukersnok Mire and see what is at the other end of the bridge. But like I said don’t expect to do so with out at least one notable incident to imprint on your memory before you return home.
“I think I have had about enough incidents imprinted on my memories.” Estovyn groaned then put all his attention on devouring his sandwich and follow by a glass of orange juice. There is no soda pop in Erf.
“I know exactly what we should do.” Cried Runyard excitedly. “We should go for a ride on the train. It looks like it goes into the mountain slope and probably comes out someplace else other than Yukersnok.” He suggested, looking at Donald. Donald just smiled, shrugged his shoulders and vanished. “I am sure he was saying I got it right, but right or wrong it will be a fun adventure.” He added.
“I agree.” Said Betina and for once Estovyn thought the idea was a good one.” And if we have to pay to ride on the train one of you can do so.” He put in.
They hired a flying carpet to lower them from Market Town and deliver them to the train station where a train was just accepting boarders.
Sometimes things just go along that smooth and before long the three kids were sitting in a car that looked like any other roller coaster train car only with seat beats because, after all it was part train and part roller coaster.
Before long, the train disappeared into the tunnel in the mountain side and everything out side the car went dark, dark, dark…scary dark.
A voice came over a speaker in the ceiling. “You are now leaving Yukersnok. Be prepared and be afraid, very, very afraid.
Suddenly the train rushed from the dark tunnel into the light of day with a deep valley below.
“There’s no track. The train is free falling. We are falling. We will crash.” Estovyn cried in horror.
And they did, but they didn’t. The free fall was etched into each of their memories though and when they realized what had happened they were standing at the gate of the mean old man down the street whom they had been on their way to play a nasty trick on.
“Wow, that was, ah, different.” Runyard said a little doubtfully.
“Did it really happen like we imagined it happened?” Betina said curiously.
“It must have,” Estovyn said excitedly showing of a handful of Yukersnok pennies. Then he said, “I thought we were going to die when we came out of the tunnel and were free falling to the ground.”
Betina put in hopefully, “I hope we can go back some day. I think our adventure was just getting started.”
“Me too.” Runyard agreed but not through Yukersnok Mire.”
“Hey you kids. What are you doing at my gate?” Cried out the mean old man who looked almost exactly like Aders Drin.
The Grand And Mystical Adventures
Of
Logan And Parker
Chapter One
Once there were two brothers. Logan and Parker who were nine and seven at the time of this story. They were very special young fellows special with a capital S, which you can learn about by reading the appendix at the end of this story. For now, you need only know that one day, it was a Saturday, they were in their room, supposedly having a nap, but they were up to something much more exciting than that. They were wrestling, in a playful way, on Logan’s bed when suddenly they rolled off, but instead of crashing to the floor they kept falling and when the landed it was in a big pile of fluffy goose down that was being stuffed into sacks to be sent to the local pillow maker. And as you can guess it was a very, very soft landing.
“Well, well, said an old woman with only a tooth or two left in her mouth and most definitely a Gnome wife, with a goose down rake in her hands and sneer on her face.
“Now what have you two Mundie characters been up to that landed you in my pile of goose down. A little bit of tomfoolery I suspect.” Said she, still with a bit of a sneer on her face, but then the sneer was replaced by a smile and she went on in a happy musical tone. “Or maybe you are one of the special ones come to Erf for a wonderful adventure.”
Logan looked at her with his eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets and Parker giggled delightedly. Neither brother was afraid, because, well, it was just in them, much like their Dad, to have no fear, but more importantly they were both more aware of themselves and their world than they ever had been.
“We were wrestling on my bed and fell off and…and we landed here.” Said Logan, surprised at his own voice.
“Yah. And I was winning,” Parker put in excitedly and a little surprised at hearing his own voice and throwing a handful of goose down at his brother.
“No, you weren’t. I was letting you win.” Logan shot back a little defensively.
“Well, boys, for whatever reason you are here, and it is most likely you are here to have an adventure. Probably to save someone or right a wrong or maybe just to have fun. No one is ever sure what is going to happen until it happens here in Erf. But one thing is for sure, you must stick together through thick and thin, fun or, dare I say danger. If you don’t. well, who knows how your excursion to Erf will go.” Said the Gnome wife then she added, “Now get off with you and I suggest you go to the big house and talk to his Lordship, Strebor D’lanod. He may be able to set you in the right direction, whichever direction that may be to find your adventure.” The Gnome wife pointed in a northerly direction at a house at the top of a hill, with grass like a carpet in a living room and stairs that met at the top with a beautiful white picket gate.
Chapter Two
Logan climbed out of the pile of goose down and stood beside the Gnome wife startled that she was quite a bit shorter than he and when Parker joined them she was even shorter than him, but the Gnome wife was an adult, at least she spoke in the manner of an adult with a certain air of authority.
She noticed the quizzical look in their eyes and said in her cheery way. “Ah. You have never seen Gnomes, but now you have, and I suspect you will never forget us. “I am Mrs. Featherdown. My husband is Mr. Featherdown. I pack the goose down and he delivers it, ten bags at a time to the pillow maker, Mr. Downworthy at the pillow factory across the way.
“How did we get here?” Logan asked as if ignoring Mrs. Featherdown.
“Well, since you dropped in out of the sky like all Mundies do, that makes you a Skyfaller. That’s what we call Mundies here in Erf. But why you had to land here in my goose down is beyond me. Now get along and go find Strebor D’Lanod and bother him with questions. You have already put me far enough behind in my work.”
“We could help.” Parker offered but just then he nearly knocked himself over with a mighty sneeze caused by a tiny goose feather sneaking into his nose.”
No, No, Be on your way before you sneeze what little sense you have out.” Mrs. Featherdown said with a laugh and at that the two boys hurried along their way.
The bottom of the hill up to the house of Strebor D’Lanod had seemed fairly close when the Gnome wife had pointed it out, but Logan and Parker had been walking a long time and the hill did not seem to be getting any closer. But then suddenly they were standing at the bottom of the stairs that climbed the hill and saw that it was quite steep.
“It looks like a very long way up.” Said Logan.
Maybe it will take us home. If we fell down, then maybe we have to climb up.” Parker suggested.
“Somehow little brother I don’t think it works that way and I don’t think getting back to our bedroom is going to be that easy. Mrs, Featherdown said something about us having an adventure and I don’t think a long walk and a long climb is what she meant. I think the adventure comes after we see this Mr. D’Lanod.” Logan replied moodily.
“Then I guess we better get climbing or we will never get home,” Parker said then took the first step.
And indeed, it was a long climb, three hundred and thirty-three steps and as they got closer to the top they got even steeper until it was more like climbing a ladder than stairs. By the time they finally reached the top they were tired and hungry, and it seemed like hours and hours since they had, had breakfast and it was because now the sun was straight up in the sky where it usually was at lunchtime.
“I hope this Mr. D’Lanod has food for us to eat. I don’t want any adventures on an empty stomach. I wouldn’t get very far before I fell over from starvation.” Parker complained.
“Silly Brother. You can’t starve just because you miss lunch. But I hope he does have food. I am hungry too.”
Chapter Three
Even when the boys finally made it up to the white picket gate and stepped through it seemed the house, which was almost big enough to be called a castle, was still a long way off, but on the two brothers went up the earth coloured cobblestone walk.
The house got bigger and bigger until it really did look like a castle and there was a high stone wall with a big iron gate in it. Then as the boys got closer, they saw two guardsmen that looked an awful lot like Grenadiers with their big Black fuzzy hats, but instead of rifles they held Pikes in their hands and weirdest of all they weren’t human. They were Dwarves, just a bit taller than the boys but much thicker through the girth.
“Hello.” The boys said together when they were close enough. Then Logan said in a matter of fact tone. “We have come to speak with Mr. D’lanod.”
“If you are referring to Lord D’lanod you require an invitation or summons.” Instructed the guard on the right side of the gate.
“We were told by Mrs. Featherdown that we must speak with him if we want to find our way home. We are here quite by accident you see, and.” Parker was explaining when the guard on the left interrupted him.
“All Skyfallers come here by accident, even his Lordship, but he has the favour of the King of the Skyfallers so, well, he’s privileged. But you say Mrs. Featherdown sent you. Well, that has its own merit but only a little. It will get you past this gate but don’t expect much inside. His Lordship is a very private fellow.” Said the guard on the left side of the gate then quickly opened a small man-door built into the main gate.
As they stood just inside the gate looking toward the Palace, and a palace it was Logan said in an awed tone. “This place just keeps getting bigger and bigger the further we go. And look there. Is that what I think it is? A big Blue Dragon.”
“Well, it certainly does look like any blue jay bird I have ever seen.” Said Parker in the same awed tone.
“Let’s hope it doesn’t try and eat us before we get to the Palace, which looks like it must be at least three or four kilometres,” Logan said a little nervously.
“Wait though. There is something come from the Palace. It looks like one of those royal coaches we saw on TV.” Parker said excitedly and waved a finger in the direction of the horse-drawn vehicle.
And indeed, it was a Royalish coach drawn by four gigantic golden colour draft horses with silver manes and tails.
As soon as it was close the driver quickly reigned the horses to a halt and when it was stopped the door opened and out came a fellow who looked a little more like a Harlequin Jester than a lord, but immediately introduced his himself as such, speaking in a pleasant musical tone. “Welcome, welcome my boys, to Erf. I am Strebor D’Lanod, Lord of the Manor in these parts, which is considered the goose down capital of all the land.”
“Hi. I am Logan and this is my Brother Parker. We were wrestling in our bedroom and fell off the bed and landed here.”
“Well, no surprises here. It happens with that sort of accident. There was a fellow named Donald who came here long ago when he fell through the pin pit in the bowling alley where he worked as a pin setter.” Described Strebor D’Lanod.
Chapter Four
“Mrs. Featherdown told us you would know how we could back home,” Logan announced.
“Well yes, there is a way, but I am afraid it is not easy, like a walk in the park and I dare say it could be dangerous, though I am sure a couple of clever young lads like yourselves can manage a bit of trouble. But I guarantee it will be the adventure of a lifetime.”
“What must we do?” Parker asked.
“I am not exactly sure. Adventures mostly just happen as you go along but I think I can tell you that yours will be found if you take the Easterly High Road. I understand there is lots going on that way and best of all the Carnival of Erf Lies along that a road and I think you would have great fun if you stopped to have a visit.” Strebor D’Lanod advised. But first you must come with me and have a good meal, a good rest and I will supply you with tools for your adventure. You cannot embark on any adventure without the proper tools…ever.”
“What kind of tools?” Parker asked.
“Good question kid, but first we eat, then we sleep, it will be getting dark soon and the night creatures will be about, and they are not always friendly to day creatures.”
“You mean ghosts and goblins and critters like that?” Logan queried.
“I suppose there are some of those out there, but I meant more like Gargoyles and Werewolves and Vampire Bats, maybe even a Vampire or two as well. One never quite knows who or what might be skulking in the dark.” Strebor D’lanod answered.
“Are you afraid to go out?” Parker challenged.
“I do not go out without good reason or unprepared and I never go out at night alone. There are bandits out there too who lay in wait for unsuspecting victims, but they are mostly cowardly and won’t usually attack two who are out together.”
Strebor D’Lanod guided his guests to a huge dining room with a very long table already filled with so many kinds of food it was not only impossible to try and name them all in a sitting it was equally impossible to try them all. But nearly every chair had an occupant and when his Lordship entered the room, they all stood and bowed their heads respectfully then reclaimed their seats and waited for the three new arrivals to sit down. Then Strebor waved his hand and there was a calamity of activity as everyone started filling their plates and eating and talking and laughing and even some singing until their master cleared his throat and stood indicating he had something to say. Then when all was quiet, he introduced Logan and Parker who simply responded by waving their hands and saying, “Hi.” Then calamitous cacophony started all over again.
“Do you people eat like this every night?” Parker asked with a mouthful of apple strudel.
“Indeed, we do. All these people work for me, whether it's here in the Manor house or out there somewhere, but it's not the same people every night. My Tenants take turns in enjoying my generosity.”
“So, you rule the roost and all these people must obey you.” Logan challenged.
“It does seem like that but believe me I need them more than they need me, and they are loyal to me only because we have a mutual appreciation of each other and I am, as I said, generous with them. If I were not, I would need soldiers to control them. Then that would make me a dictator Lord. Which I would not like to be.”
Chapter Five
There was lots of chatter going on at the table as you can imagine with guests that were not at all human and more like woodland creatures anthromorphed by the natural elements of Erf, Squirrels, and groundhogs being the most abundant. But there were two who seemed to have a dark light about them, a sneaky disposition one might say, talking in secret whispers. These two were Gargoyles and even the young brothers could tell they were up to no good.
Parker leaned over and spoke quietly to Logan. “Those two-look dangerous.”
“What do you think they are talking about?” Logan asked.
“I can’t guess but they keep glancing at us and don’t seem to care that we have noticed them,” Parker replied.
Then suddenly the Gargoyles were on their feet and quickly took flight out of the dining room on their black leathery batwings, cackling as they went.
“Well now,” exclaimed Strebor D’Lanod. I suspect our two little spies have gone off to report to their master all about you two. I am not saying all Gargoyles are black hearts but these this pair is in league with a nasty old Troll named Gruffrugger who are in league with the Sandwitches and that could mean trouble.”
“So, our adventure may begin before we even get started,” Logan suggested.
“Well, actually, it began the minute you landed here but yes it will advance somewhat more quickly than I thought it might. I believe we should get you already sooner than later. I will send an aide to help you prepare. In the meantime, I will look into what the Gargoyles and the Troll are up to.” Strebor replied ominously.
“I thought Trolls live in the mountains and don’t like the sunlight,” Parker said suspiciously.
“In the mundane world, my boy, that would be a fact, but this is Erf and what might be fact in Mundieland may not be so here.” His host replied.
“That is why we are different people…kind of…here.” Logan noted thoughtfully.
“What kind of people are you there?” Asked Strebor D’Lanod.
“We are not like others and they call it Autism,” Parker answered. “Logan is more autistic than I am, at least that is what we are told, and people don’t get it that deep inside we understand that we are different.”
“Well. You are in Erf now and you are definitely different than most Erffers but that doesn’t matter. What matters is you are in for an adventure and not all of it is going to be fun and frolic if there are Gargoyles, Trolls and Sandwitches involved.” Strebor assured.
“Maybe we could just stay here,” Parker replied hopefully.
“Mundies cannot stay always in Erf, but you can visit like you are now.” Explained Strebor D’Lanod.
“Mom and Dad would miss us if we never went back home, Parker. So, we better get on with this adventure and get back before they find out we are gone.”
“No worries their Kid. They won’t even know you were missing. But yes, you should get busy and prepare tonight so you can get an early start in the morning.” Strebor advised.
That night, after dinner, by lantern light and assisted by Remgoffin, a kindly old groundhog stable keeper the boys loaded up a small cart with all the equipment they might need on an adventure and plenty of food and water. Then they went off to their beds and were soon fast asleep not realizing then that it would be a long time before they enjoyed the comfort of beds and a warm fireplace and a roof out of the rain.
Chapter Six
It was barely dawn when old Remgoffin came to their room and shook them gently by the shoulder to wake them up, saying, in his chattery, whistling voice, “Come along, come along, breakfast is waiting. You won’t want to begin any adventure on an empty stomach. I have a feast laid out for you in my bode fit for the King of the Skyfallers himself.”
Parker woke with a start from a dream that he in his room staring out the window at a stormy day. Logan eased blissfully into consciousness out of his own dream that was more like a nightmare of emptiness wandering through a world that did not understand him even though it was where he was born. As he awoke and saw Remgoffin hovering over him he wished that Erf were his forever home where he could make people understand what was going on in his mind and that here in this strange and wonderful land there was no such thing as Autism.
With a cheerfully “Good Morning,” Logan popped out of bed and was dressed in seconds flat urging his brother to hurry on so they could get away as soon as possible on their adventure.
Breakfast was indeed a feast, prepared and served by Remgoffin whom, after years of fending for himself, with no one but himself to do all the chores and cooking had become an expert. He was particularly proud of his bread and cheese and nicely stir-fried beans in molasses.
Then, as the sun crept over the morning horizon the stable keeper ushered his charges outside to their cart, already hitched up to a pair of ponies that looked like miniature golden palominos.
And so, though just being in Erf was an adventure in itself the boys set off into the unknown realm of an adventure within an adventure and that my friends, is where our story really begins and the nature of the brothers Logan and Parker shines as bright as a diamonds in the moonlight…
“Now which way would you two Skyfallers like to go?” Asked the pony whose name was Trotter, who was on the right from behind.
“East, if you would please?” Answered Logan cheerfully. “But do watch out for Gargoyles and Trolls and especially Sandwitches.” He added a little anxiously.
“We are always on the lookout for such nasty creatures, but we also remember that not all Gargoyles, Trolls and Sandwitches are nasty, just like not all Skyfallers are nasty.” Clopper, the pony on the left noted with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
“Now, now dearest. They are only boys and boys have not yet learned the art of diplomacy and tact.” Trotter admonished his partner and mate lightly. “And these two are special, above specials since they are akin to him.”
“Who is Him?” Parker asked.
“Why the Skyfaller who became the Hero of Erf of course,” Trotter replied as if everyone should know who the Hero is.
“We have just arrived and know nothing about Erf, except what we have learned in these first few hours,” Parker explained.
“Well then, I suspect you will learn on your own who the Hero of Erf is, in all due and proper time and we should leave it at that and avoid telling more than we should.” Trotter cut the conversation to an end. And it was not long after that the adventure at hand began, rather abruptly I might add.
Chapter Seven
The sun was midway to midday when Clopper, who was the most sensitive to her surroundings of the two ponies stopped suddenly and whinnied in a whispering way if you can imagine a whispered whinny. And sniffed curiously at the air then a greyness came upon her mood. “Something uncouth this way canters.” She announced ominously.
“What is it?” Asked Trotter who started when the scent suddenly invaded his nose. “Oh, dear me. This means trouble indeed.” He whinnied quite loudly.
“What trouble?” Logan demanded.
“Look. Up there, Brother. Something is coming this way.
“Some Sandwitch, you mean,” Clopper said in a distasteful tone. “She is one of those undesirable witches we spoke of. Nasty and greedy and more Mundanie than Erffer.”
“What should we do?” Parker asked.
“I suggest we wait to see what she is going to do. Maybe it's not about us and she is going somewhere else.” Logan suggested but even as he spoke the Witch was coming quickly towards them.
“Oh no.” Clopper started. “It’s Madam Windshaker. She is the Sandwich that took up with that ugly Troll Gruffrugger. This can’t be good. And look, coming towards us on the road. It is Gruffrugger himself. I hope you brought something to fight with.”
“Iron fight rocks Brother. Here is a slingshot for each of us and a bag each of iron balls. We should be ready just in case this Troll fellow wants a fight.” Parker advised hastily.
Suddenly a cackle came from above and the witch on her broom came circling down.
“Hey, Bro. Witches really do fly on brooms.” Logan spotted excitedly.
“Of course, they do. What else would obey them?” Clopper replied.
“Beats me. We don’t have any real witches in Mundania.” Logan replied.
“That’s too bad because like all things there are the good and then there are the bad and good witches can be very helpful. But more witches are or turn bad once they realized what their power is worth. I mean Mundie-Skyfaller Witches. Erf witches are not so tempted by greed.” Clopper explained.
“I take it Madam Windshaker is a Mundanie-Skyfaller witch,” Parker said.
“Worse. She is half Erffer and Half Skyfaller, which means she can jump back and forth from one world to the other whenever she wishes, and she can bring things back from Mundanie that shouldn’t come to Erf.” Clopper answered. “I wish the Hero would come back and get rid of her, but I think he is still off trying to find The Skyfaller King.” She added.
“Maybe that’s why we are here.” Said Parker. “We are akin to the Hero apparently though I don’t know how. Maybe we can be Heroes too. Maybe…”
Just then Parker was interrupted by the roar of an ugly, harsh voice from nearby down the road. Everyone looked toward the horrible noise and saw that Gruffrugger was blocking the road and stood right in the middle with his big stone club ready to bash anyone trying to get past him.
The Sandwich circled down and landed only a few feet away from the cart and took a few steps closer. If there was a new description for ugly/mean looking it would have been her and hag was nowhere near how ugly she was.
“So, my servant is correct. We have two new Skyfallers in Erf. Welcome, Logan and Parker. Would you be interested in coming to my sandcastle? I could use a pair like you, and I promise the rewards would be exquisite.” The Sandwich offered.
“No thank you. We are just trying to find our way home.” Parker declined.
“Well, I could help you with that. I come and go as I please and can take you with me the next time I decide to go to Mundanie.” Replied Madam Windshaker.
“Yah sure. Maybe you can but what would we have to do to get your help?” Logan asked challengingly.
“Not much. Very little actually and nothing here, in Erf.” The Sandwich answered in a clever tone.”
“Careful Boys.” Whinnied Trotter. “She wants more than something little. I guarantee it. Don’t even ask what it is. We will move on and find another way for you to get home. The long cut is always better than the short cut.”
“Yes. Equine is right, but what she hasn’t told you is that the long way may never lead back to Mundanie. You could wander about practically forever.” Warned the Sandwich thinking to gain points with the boys, but instead, she lost them.
“We shall risk the long way. It sounds much better than the short cut.” Replied Parker. “Now go away and tell your Troll to move out of our way or I’ll ping him with an iron ball and chip off his stony nose.” He demanded.
Chapter Eight
Of course, the long way would take longer and that was good. Parker was not in any hurry to return to his life in Mundanie and he suspected his brother felt the same, but still, he worried about his Mom and Dad, who would miss them if they never returned, which was silly in a way because anyone who has ever been to Erf knows that time stops on Mundanie for anyone who travels to Erf.
The Troll grinned, which was hideous to see and stood his ground until Madam Windshaker saw Parker arming his slingshot with a fairly large iron pellet.
“You might want to step aside Gruffrugger. I believe the little welp means what he says.” She advised her minion.
“No little Mundie welp can harm a big strong troll like me,” Gruffrugger said with a gravelly laugh, but just then Parker let loose the iron pellet and his aim was a bulls-eye or should it be called a Troll’s Nose, which broke off the Troll’s face with a snap and sent him chasing it across the field, bouncing, bouncing, bouncing until both the nose and its troll disappeared into the distant vanishing point.
Then Parker reloaded the slingshot with a blue pellet that looked a little like a marble but when the Sandwich saw it she hopped on her broom and flew off lickety-split. Parker was tempted to shoot the pellet anyway but decided the deed was done enough and he should save the magical little marble for another encounter with the witch or any nasty witch that might come along and mean them harm.
“That went well.” Said Parker.
“It did indeed young Mundie. You did well and face danger bravely.” Said Trotter.
“Me too. I was ready to fight.’ Logan piped up.
“Of course, you were. Any kin of the Hero of Erf would step up in the face of danger.” Clopper agreed. “But now we must hurry on.”
“Hurry on to where? I think nowhere in particular so there is no need to rush. Adventure will meet us along the way whether we hurry or tarry, so don’t pull to hard my beauties. Besides, I have no desire for this adventure to end. There is little for us at the end.” Parker said whimsically. “I would like to see this Carnival of Erf that was mentioned though.”
“Well, then that is where we shall go. Its many days from here and I am sure there will be more exciting happenings between now and then.” Said Trotter who took the first step forward with Clopper joining his gait a nanosecond behind and soon they were clip-clopping along at an even, steady pace.
The morning passed on without further incidents and when noon came along, they stopped for a rest and something to eat and it happened that Logan and Parker nodded off for a nap, which was very much like they would have done in Mundieland. And when they woke that is where they were, back in their bedroom, curled up waking from a nap.
For days and days and days, the boys seemed to care about nothing. They seemed lost in someplace that Mom and Dad could not see, hear or even sense though they were sure both their boys were caught somewhere in a thought.
Chapter Nine
One day, in a fittish temper Logan picked a toy truck off the floor and threw it then ran away into his bedroom with Parker close behind. Their Dad followed but when he saw them just sitting quietly on the floor in the middle of the room, he pulled the door to but did not close it tight.
“Hey Bro, we are back.” Parker shouted finding that he had awakened exactly where he had fallen into his nap so many days ago.
Logan was on his feet and dancing in happy circles when Trotter cleared his throat and asked, “Are you ill young Skyfaller?”
“Ill. No, I am very well. Did you not see that we went back to Mundieland for several days?” Logan replied.
“No. All we saw was you sleeping, but that is the way of you Skyfallers and we as Erffers, no matter how clever we are we do not understand that way.” Trotter answered.
“Well, we were home. But now we are back and ready to continue on our way to the Carnival.” Logan put in cheerfully.
I would like to tell you that Parker and Logan found their way to the Carnival without any more adventures but the truth is they had an enormously scary adventure that took then way off the road to the Carnival and into some very trying and dangerous escapades and it all started on a night when a terrible storm struck and they went in search of shelter, which they found but I am sure they would rather have braved the rain and the lightning had they know that the little adit they entered was the gateway to…well…I shall let you decide what to call it.”
It all started with a few drops of rain and distant thunder that slowly beckoned the storm their way and it began in the dead of night when they had settled in for a good rest after a fine and filling supper. It was Clopper, who disliked storms intensely who heard that first vague rumble come out of the west racing up behind them.
“Come. Come, everyone. A storm approaches and we do not want to get caught out in it. I am sure it is a witch’s storm since it is travelling faster than any wind can travel and I am sure it was conjured by Madam Windshaker. I just knew she would not let our last encounter go at nothing.” Clopper urged her companions nervously.
“Ok boys. We must listen to Clopper. She knows most about these things. Hitch us up. I know a place we can find shelter from the storm and we may get there before the storm is on us if we go at a solid canter.” Urged Trotter.
Parker dowsed the campfire while Logan hitched the ponies then the boys pack their gear and within five minutes they were making their way, not along the Easterly road but down a side path into a hilly area full of rocks and cliffs, grottos and small cave entrances but finally they came to an opening not made by nature. It was an adit that opened into a mine, though it looked abandoned.
“Come. I knew this place once before Lord Strebor D’Lanod freed me from my slavery. I hauled carts of rocks and iron every day until I nearly dropped from exhaustion. I never thought I’d come back but old memories, even nasty ones are better than getting caught in a witch’s storm. Trotter explained and just then a great flash of lightning lit up the sky and the thunder shook the earth of Erf.
Chapter Ten
They had barely entered the mine shaft when Clopper began shivering uncontrollably. “Oh. There is something terrible here.” She whinnied frightenedly.
Just then a witch’s cackled filled the mine and the shaft rumbled and suddenly the adit crashed down locking the travellers in darkness. Dust filled the shaft making them choke.
It was Logan who kept his head best and rooted through the contents of the cart, quickly finding a lamp hanging on the sideboard. He twisted the static igniter and a bright yellow light cast out the dark. There was still dust in the air, but it was settling, and he saw Parker laying still on the floor of the cave. “Hey Bro.” Logan cried out and ran to his brother and knelt beside him. Quickly he shook Parker's shoulder and after a minute Parker opened his eyes and sat up. A little trick of blood dripped down his face just to the right of his right eye. “Wow. What happened?” He said lazily … like you would after being knocked out.
“I am afraid the Sandwitch has trapped us in the mine shaft.” Answered Trotter. “At least she thinks she has but this is not the only way in and out, but it is a long dangerous trek to the other adit.”
“And there is something terrible here.” Clopper put in nervously.
Just as she spoke something from deep in the darkness of the mine shaft rumbled, the kind that could be taken for a bear waking from its winter hibernation or…
“Something stinks.” Parker announced, holding his nose, “Like garbage that got left behind on garbage day and like the time Dad burnt the hamburgers on the barbeque.”
“It smells like rotten eggs too,” Logan suggested.
“And I can feel heat coming up the shaft,” Clopper added.
“Well, we will find out what it’s all about soon enough since our only way out is to go deeper in. We would never be able to clear the rock away from this adit.” Trotter advised. “I will lead the way. I have a clear memory of how this old shaft goes. It is quite the labyrinth and there are many dead ends. One could get lost forever if they didn’t know the way.”
“But things change.” Logan reminded the old pony. “What you remember might no longer be the way it is.”
“The boy is right my dear.” Said Clopper. “But I can help. I have a sensitive nose and will be able to sense where good air is coming from.”
“What did they mine here?” Parker asked.
“Silver. A group of bad, bad Skyfallers came and opened the shaft. They enslaved hundreds of Groundies to dig for them and ponies to haul the ore out. They planned to take the silver back to Mundie land and get rich there but Lord D’Lanod stopped them and drove them out of Erf.”
“Then what happened?” Parker urged.
“I do not know except when the battle of the mine was over many of the Skyfallers disappeared in a humongous flash of light. Lord D’Lanod said they were sent back to Mundieland, but there were rumours that something else happened too.” Trotter answered, though there was something in his voice that said he had not revealed the whole story.
Chapter Eleven
The company went at a steady pace for almost an hour without incident and in silence, sniffing the air suspiciously and listening to the sounds that seemed to come from the direction they were going but in places with shafts breaking off to the left and right the sounds seemed to come from every direction.
Then they came to a wide, open cavern where the air grew to a rushing breeze that rushed in from three openings in the walls and one in the floor at the very heart of it.
Logan moved cautiously toward the opening in the floor and looked down. He saw that there was a path that coiled into the depths of the darkness, but there was more than darkness. There was the smell they had noticed earlier and a sound he could not put a name to and another he recognized as the deep growling.
“Let me guess. This is the way we have to go.” Logan groaned.
“Yes. That is the way to the other adit and that is where the Skyfallers were that disappeared in the great flashing.”
“What else was down there besides silver?” Logan interrogated.
“I can’t say I would know the answer to your question.” Trotter replied evasively, But, if Lord D’Lanod were here I am sure he would have something to enlighten us with.”
“But he is not here, so we must find out for ourselves.” Said Parker excitedly then added, “Isn’t that what adventures are all about?”
“It is a long way down.” Trotter groaned. “I am already weary. I suggest we rest for a little while then get a fresh start. Food and a nap are in order.”
“I agree.” Said Logan.
So, the company settle down to Lupper, which is a combined lunch and supper like Brunch is for breakfast and lunch.
How long they slept for had no answer, but in such a dark place, with lamp extinguished and napping on a full stomach you can guesstimate it to be for hours.
Clopper was the first to wake. A nervous whinny woke the others who quickly asked what the matter was. Clopper shyly admitted the dark frightened her so Parker relit the lamp and well he did because something very dangerous and silent came quickly to their eyes.
Snakes can be scary enough at any time but in a deep dark hole in the ground, with only a yellow lamplight to see by a white viper with long, long fangs and fiery red eyes can be downright alarming. Add to that the fact that it said, “What are you doing in my domain?” Well, you can understand why everyone jumped and was ready for a fight. Logan was the quickest at it and had his slingshot out and armed with a pellet in two blinks of a sun-filled eye.
“Hello, Slitherslider,” Trotter said in a calm friendly voice. “I must say you startled me, but it was brief.”
The snake, as big as ten metres long glared suspiciously at Trotter.
Chapter Twelve
“Slitherslider was my sire. He has passed long ago, murdered by others like those two whelps with you. I am Slipperyslider. But I seem to recall him telling me wonderful stories…and sad stories about a pony named Trotter. Would that be someone you know?”
“I am Trotter. Your father and I were close friends in those dark days.”
“Where are you going” Asked Slipperyslider.
“Down,” Trotter replied with an ominous tone in his voice.
“Ah, then you intend to visit Subterranean Erf. That’s brave of you. It is a nasty dirty place even if it doesn’t look nasty or dirty. But I suppose you will see it all for yourself. I personally have only been there once and the beasts mostly mutated Skyfallers and Gargoyles and Rock Dwarfs, tried to kill me. I have heard that my white skin and blue wings bring a fair price.” The viper hissed.
“You are a dragon.” Parker rejoiced excitedly.
“Lordy, Lordy no lady. I am a winged Viper, which is different from a Dragon. Dragons can only breath out fire and give their victims a good nip or swallow them whole if they are big enough. Vipers can not only breath fire but we…I can spit acid and have venom in my fangs. Vipers also have a much better disposition than dragons because well, we are the more intelligent of the two, but I must admit we are descended from those bulky beasts.” Slipperyslider hissed on delightedly and proudly. Unfortunately, I shall be the last of our kind since there is no mate for me.”
“How is the way down the shaft son of Slitherslider?” Trotter asked.
“There are bugs in the walls, but most are harmless. I would watch out for the white scorpions though. They are not deadly, but their nip is painful, and their venom can make a weak or young body very sick. And of course, there is always the chance you will run into a Gargoyle out hunting bugs for its dinner.”
“I have just the thing for bugs and scorpions,” Logan announced as he produced a stick with a flap of thick leather attached to one end that looked very much like a heavy flyswatter.
“Well, son of my old friend. You have given us some very useful information and you are as cordial as your father, but you have something incorrect. You are not without a mate, but you will have to go top side to find her. She lives near the Home of Strebor D’Lanod and he is a Skyfaller every Erffer can trust.” Trotter offered a bit of hope in return.
“I will one day venture out to meet this Princess of my kind,” Slipperyslider replied then wound his way into one of the shafts going straight out from the cavern.
“Well now, it seems all is good for the moment and we are not so blind as to what lies ahead.” Said Trotter. “And we are primed to move on and hope the distance is not great.” He added
“What do you think Slipperyslider meant by his contradiction, “It is a nasty dirty place even if it doesn’t look nasty or dirty?” Logan asked.
“The best answer to that is, Let’s go have a look and find out for ourselves. An adventure isn’t an adventure if you know everything before-hand.” Parker said cheerfully then led the way into the downward shaft.
Chapter Thirteen
There were indeed bugs. Lots of bugs. Blue, green, yellow, purple, red with black dots, black with red dots, multi-coloured bugs, big ones and mall ones. Bugs that stung, bit, stunk and got in their hair and fur, every one of them nasty and not one nice one at all, not even a ladybug. And as for the scorpions, well, they were about the size of mice and very aggressive and it was hard for the travellers to keep going having to spend so much time fighting them off. But as they came to the bottom of the shaft and they could see the light at the end of the tunnel the bugs and scorpions and the bats, I forgot to mention thinned out until the light became bright and all the creepy crawlers fled back into the dark. Later Parker would note, “I am not sure which is worse, creepy crawly things or dragons trolls, gargoyles and mutant Skyfallers” …and one very nasty fellow who was very much an evil man version of a witch, a Warlock.
But as Slipperyslider had mentioned Subterranean Erf did not look so nasty and dirty. In fact, it looked rather nice and bright and even clean on first impression.
When they came at last to the bottom of the shaft and stepped out into the light they found themselves on a natural parapet high above a valley much like the mountains of Mandieland but here the grass was sapphire blue and trees on the lower slopes of the distant mountains had purple ruby red and black leaves and the snowcapped peaks were pink.
There were four rivers running from the feet of the mountains into a lake in the centre of the valley and the water was various shades purple. In the middle of the lake was an island and on the island was a beautiful silver castle with windows framed in pearls and so many spires with golden rooves it was difficult to count them all. Circling the castle was a great wall with watchtowers all around and at the mouth of each river was a large village.
Circling in the sky were dozens of great blue dragons and everywhere were birds of every colour in the rainbow and more.
“How can such a beautiful place have such darkness attached to it.?” Said Clopper.
“Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it was dark once but has become wonderful.” Parker said wistfully.
“No lady. I can smell evil. Something is rotten under this opal coloured sky.” Clopper argued lightly.
“What could it be?” Logan asked.
“Look there. Beyond the Castle and high on the mountain slope. A murder of crows and with them a horde of gargoyles. They are descending on the castle and look, there are men on the battlements. I think we are going to witness a battle.” Trotter described.
“Look. The dragons are coming to meet the invaders.” Logan pointed.
But there was no battle. Suddenly out of the top of three mountains spewed clouds of smoke and great streams of molten lava. And then came the roar of the eruption and the ash that followed rained down on the crows and gargoyles. And all this happened so quickly it hard to believe it ever happened and the valley returned to its quiet, peaceful beauty.
“This is crazy. What does it all mean?” Parker asked.
“The only way we can find out is to go to the castle and ask.” Said Trotter.
Chapter Fourteen
“But how do we get off this cliff?” Logan asked as he looked about and saw that there were no paths or stairs, but even as he spoke something incredible happened.
There was a slight shudder in the cliff then it began, very slowly, descending.
“Well, who would have thought there would be an elevator in a place like this.” Said Parker.
“There are many magical instruments in Erf,” Replied Clopper.
“Erf is magical,” Logan said thoughtfully. “Parker and I are very different in Mundieland. I think it would be much better if we could stay in Erf forever.”
“Good for us maybe Brother, but I think not so good for Mom and Dad.”
When the lift came to the valley floor the company stepped off and as they moved off toward the castle the lift began to rise. “It seems one can come to Subterranean Erf easily but leaving might be more difficult unless you are here at just the right moment,” Trotter suggested.
“I think impossible. I doubt the lift goes up as long as there is any weight on it.” Clopper countered and was more right than wrong.
The journey to the castle was incredibly long, something like driving across a prairie at night toward a distant light that takes hours and forever to reach. In this case, being in the daylight the phenomenon was caused by the sheer size of the castle which was in itself as big as a mountain that reaches high above the clouds. It seemed they had walked forever but it was actually only a day’s passing when at last they stood at the threshold of the Castle Gate, a small aperture in comparison to its host.
There were no guards to greet them and Parker joked. “I suppose now we need a magic word to open the gates like open sesame.” He laughed.
“You could be quite right little Skyfaller, but that would not be the word.” Came a disembodied voice. “Then again you could just as easily pull on the chain to the right of the gate which will work better than any magic word.” It added with a hint of a chuckle in the voice. And suddenly, just inside the gate appeared a wizened fellow who looked very much like an old bent Hobo, but in fact, was the very character they were warned about. Was this Ledger De Main the Warlock of Subterranean Erf.
“We may want to consider bypassing this place,” Trotter suggested with an anxious whinny.
“But maybe this is where our adventure means us to go.” Logan countered, being intrigued by the very essence of the whole situation.
“Yes, I suppose that is a good point otherwise what would be the point of your sojourn to Erf,” Trotter replied. “So, go ahead. Pull the chain and let us see what awaits us beyond. Nothing deadly I hope.” Trotter agreed and an evil cackle filled the air, but it did not come from the Hoboish fellow.
He said, “Welcome. I am Sham the Butler.” The Hoboish fellow introduced himself dispelling any thought that he might be the Warlock.
“Is there a Warlock here?” Logan interrogated.
“Yes, and a Witch, who are the lord and lady of the Castle and Subterranean Erf.” Answered the butler.
“So, we enter a dark and dangerous place.” Replied Clopper.
“I would not say so. I have been here many a year and never found my masters to be Dark or dangerous. They have treated me and all who dwell within these walls well, but there is indeed something dark and dangerous that lurks in Subterranean Erf and soon something terrible will be upon us all.”
Chapter Fifteen
Logan pulled firmly on the chain and the iron gate began its ascent allowing the travelers to enter. Sham bowed respectfully then said. “Please follow me. I will see to all your needs and comforts and for the ponies, there is a grand and comfortable stable attended by the best stable boy in all the land. And when they wish I shall escort you to the presence of his Lord and her Ladyship.”
“Why is everyone in Erf, Logan pointed up, “So afraid of this Warlock?”
“Propaganda,” Sham answered without hesitation. “He stands firmly against the Skyfaller King and wants an end to his rule. A Skyfaller named Donald is trying to do just that, with our help of course, but we have not been able to find him. In the meantime, he, The Skyfaller King I mean does everything possible to keep us busy fighting off his tyrannical attacks. His resources seem endless.”
“Maybe we have come here to help,” Logan said thoughtfully.
“I don’t see how. You are Children.” Said, Sham.
“So too is Donald having been just eleven years old.” Trotter reminded.
“Hmmm. Point taken.” Sham replied then led them inward, around the castle to stables.
Even though the stable was the epitome of comfort and the stable boy was…seemed to be an excellent fellow if Groundhogs can be called fellows, Logan and Parker were reluctant to leave their companions behind. Things that look good on the surface are not always good inside, but there was little they could do but go with the flow. Of course, Clopper, who always seemed to have a sense of things assured them that at least for the moment she did not feel anything was out of sorts and started nibbling contentedly on a bucket of oats.
“Now that all is settled here,” said Sham cheerfully, “We can get you two tucked in comfortably and then it will be time for dinner. I am sure the Lord and Lady will be there, at least they have not said they won’t be. Come. Come. No time to tarry.”
At last, still reluctant but with not much choice Logan and Parker followed the Butler into the Castle. I remind you here that this particular castle was as big as a mountain so you can imagine the enormity of its interior and its diversity. It might be well that I explain that its interior was another world, a world within a world, within the expanse of Erf…The infinite realm.
Once the two brothers were led into the Castle the path to a whole new adventure opened before them which leads them to another adventure for inside, they found a city…Castlloma…and that my friends is a whole other story.
The Fantastilistic Twisticated Adventures
Of
Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff
The Earl Of Pantagrueliopolis
Introduction
Before I actually address the fantastilistic twisticated tale of his enigmaticouthynestic Lordship I must reveal a bit of him, though such is not easily accomplished since a bit would be about as helpful as a slotted spoon worked to empty the ocean. In a word or few I shall depict the nature of his Earlship. Radicalatiously Harlequinated Jesterfied Pathologicanated.
For the record I am Argle Bargle, his Earldoms personal Chronicler and reputationalist.
***
Pantagrueliopolis is a humongous city in the infinite Realm of Erf, a place you may well have heard of before in other writings by this author but in which his previous protagonist has never visited, at least yet, but one never knows what awaits around any corner turned.
It is a Metropolomeganous place that would require a separate tome just to offer a clear picture in words to describe it. One could say however that it is a multicultural and multi-era place that rambles from everywhere to everywhere to nowhere and slightly beyond and seems to have no borders. It falls under the rule of the King of Erf, in the Princedom of Telluria which is then subdivided into Earldoms a place in society in which Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff resides and administers the whats and wherefore of Pantagrueliopolis or should it be said he oversees those who do the actual work of administrating while he himself ventures out on some very Fantastilistic Twisticated Adventures throughout the Infinite Realm Erf where nothing is the least bit based on any accepted realistified world concepts.
It was the finest day in the month of May in the far-most northern climes of Erf could afford. And that means the sun was shining and it was neither cold nor warm, raining or snowing and no outer clothing save a nice wool sweater was required and of course trousers and shoes and socks and other garments to make one publicly presentable. But then presentable is relative and Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff could be construed as relative to the norm even in Erf. One might recognize him as more of a Jester or Harlequin than a lordly earl.
Lord Bindlestiff was having his morning tea, rose hip tea, in the garden patio where certain early blooming flowers were just waking with the morning sun and the bees were buzzing pleasantly. It was the first day tea out of doors was comfortable and his Earlship was soaking it all up like a thirsty dandelion readying to sprout its golden bloom. And there was creamy egg-salad spread thickly over a rice cake to stave off the morning “tummy growls”, as his lordship called it.
Now, before I go on I must remind you this is Erf not here in Mundanieland so normal things are considerably different and that is best because this story would not be so wonderful as it is if every things and every place in the dimensional kaleidoscope were the same.
Lord Bindlestiff was just finishing off a nice round egg-salad rice cake when a crow, a blue jay and a robin landed on his table next to bowls of seeds and worms specially picked out for their enjoyment. In fact, it was meant as payment for the news that they would report, and not just the everyday type of news which Gaberlunzie was not in the least bit interested in. His idea of news was some fantastilistic event that would require his intervention, whether asked for or not. And on this very nice spring morning the trio of Ornothalarians had just such wonderful news to deliver. But it did not come easily since birds as you know always want the first, last and middle chirrup, squawk or caw and all do so at once in their loudest voices.
Lord Bindlestiff quietly and patiently listened to their vocal ruckus until they finally realized his lordship was not paying them much attention. Then they all quieted and Gaberlunzie said. “Now Mr. Robin Redbreast, tell me your version of the news.
And while the other two birds nibble at their food the robin chirruped out his story. Then Gaberlunzie invited the Blue Jay to speak and finally the crow until he had all three versions of the news and sorted them all into a clear understanding of the occurring event.
I must point out that birds are prone to being a little wordy and his lordship was pressed to edit it to a practical length which was, “My Lord. It is told by heralds across the land that the Opolis of Meganor some distance north of here has been invaded by a band of bandits of a Trollish nature who ride on the backs of Snowsnakes and attack in the dark of night mostly but since it is said they are half Yeti they can with-stand the light of day if that is more convenient for them.
Meganoropolis has of course raised the red flag and its defenders have gathered but the leader of the band is a Skyfaller of a most hideous heart and thinks nothing of doing great harm and damage to the folks and the Opolis.”
“Then I shall set out immediately to travel there and lend what help I am able to rid Meganoropolis of this plague.” Announced his Lordship with enthusiasm extra-ordinaire as he rose purposefully from his chair, “Prepare my coach and my sledge and my dogs for the journey to the land of eternal winter and night, Gelida. I shall depart by the noon hour and press on til dark to get a good head start on the five day journey to Meganoropolis.” He ordered.
And so, in a flurry and a flash and a boisterous, “To Battle We Go”, from his lordship against the tolling of the great city clock chimes Gaberlunzie, his drivers and Valet and of course myself, his personal chronicler and reputationist set off on a mission of rescue. And even as we set out his Lordship said to me, Argle Bargle, make certain you get all this down in length. It shall be read for endless generations and I want the event clearly depicted so it becomes legend and not myth.”
A journey of five days may seem a distance, but you must take into account that our company was travelling by horse and coach and unlike some Mundanie movie films horses cannot pull a coach from dusk til dawn. In fact, they begin to weary after a few hours at 5 miles an hour and at best one could travel but 20 miles. However we changed horses once each day and rested overnight which allowed us the grand total of 40 miles a day, and the further north we went the less spring there was in the air and by the middle of the fourth day there was no spring and it was unlikely we would enjoy the warm climes it offers until we turned south when we vanquished the foe of Maganoropolis.
The snow came in the night just before the hour began the fifth day. Skis were applied to the wheels and the wheels locked in a stationary position. The horses pulled hard but could not go far before tiring and so in the last hours of our journey we took to travelling on foot in snow shoes, leading the horses until as the last light faded from the sky we arrived on the outskirts of Meganoropolis where we halted and took lodging at an Inn. Even in the dead of winter 200 miles south never had there been such cold nor wind to turn ones lungs to ice in a breath.
We learned quickly from our host that the ice and snow never melted away and that warmth outdoors was not freezing after a few moments abroad without layers upon layers of coating. To these northern it was spring time. I wondered how it was going to be possible for us to stand against beasts that were adapted to such climes forgetting for a moment that his lordship was always prepared for any and all contingencies.
Something occurred to me as we entered the city. In all the long journey we had seen neither Troll, Yeti nor any combination a such abominations. I took it upon myself to mention this to Lord Bindlestiff, but he just smiled and said. “Those who are weakly bullies tend to hide from the likes of us”.
“The likes of us” resounded in my mind and I snickered. Here we were, four coachmen dressed up like circus clowns, his lordship gleaming and beaming like a kaleidoscope harlequin decaled with gold and silver and ruby and sapphire speckles. And then there is myself, a portly fellow with tufts of hair sticking out from under a top hat and no hair whatsoever on top and lips twisted into a permanent smile a tux coat with tails of many colours. His lordship was obsessed with colours. Even the coach was painted with so many colours it was eye bedazzling.
We settled into our rooms, one for the coachmen and one for his Lordship and one for his valet and myself, all at the expense of the city which of course expected to be compensated in kind.
Before retiring I asked his Lordship what we should do next. “Since we have no idea where to search for this band of thugs it would do no good to go out in search of them so we will wait for them to come to us. I will go out and make sure the city has watches set everywhere and trumpeters to sound a warning.” He replied but just then those very trumpets blared loud and clear just outside our lodge and seconds later someone was hammering madly on his Lordship’s door and bellowing in terror.
“They have come. They have come to rob us blind again.”
At that Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff donned his hat and buckle his sword and went out to examine the situation. He climbed to the top of a perimeter watch tower and looked out over the ice-scape and sure enough there came a dozen Troll/Yeti abominations riding on snow snakes but as his eyes settled on the advancing menace he began to laugh and when we, his entourage followed his gaze to understand his chortling we too began to laugh.
“My Lord. Why would a city this size be sore afraid of beasts no larger than an infant. As fierce as they appear….”
“Because my good Valet someone does not know their trolls and yetis from Gremlins and Ogres. But don’t let their size fool you. These creatures, despite their size can be very nasty if you don’t know how to deal with them.”
“Do you know My Lord?” I asked.
“I have some ideas I picked up in another time and place.” Lord Bindlestiff answered wistfully.
It was not long before the Lord of Meganoropolis arrived to inquire what, if anything Lord Bindlestiff was going to do about the band of bandits. My Lord replied in the most polite of Lordly fashions. “I will do whatever is necessary to do but at the moment I only see a dozen Gremlin Ogre crossed creatures with no leader of a Skyfaller nature. I suspect this is but a small band to discover who has arrived in your city.
“This few would be easily dispatched now rather than waiting for the larger numbers to come bash us.” Replied Lord Fembozzer Novish in a tone that was neither polite nor remotely amiable. “And maybe it would warn off the others.” He added haughtily.
“Or more likely it would anger the others and their leader, and they would make worse damage than ever. No, My Lord Novish. We must strike at the heart of the beast not the limb. Patience is our ally.” Lord Bindlestiff argued intelligently.
“I think the reputation and the legend are bigger than the man. I will send my own soldiers out to deal with this band of hooligans now.” Announced Lord Novish.
“You will bring disaster on then. Look to the East My Lord.” I instructed for on a hill there was raise a small army of not only Gremlin/Ogres on foot but large mustering of Trollish Yeti’s slithering forward on their Snowsnakes.
“You see Lord Novish. This is not the time to send out your men but time to man you walls with archers and spearmen.” Lord Bindlestiff advised.
“Of which I have only a few I am afraid. Such is the condition of my treasury that I cannot afford more defenders. Fifty spearmen and 25 archers is my limit.” Novish admitted sourly.
“Then we cannot endure a battle, but we can stave them off for a time until a plan of defense can be arranged. You do retain an illusionist?” Bindlestiff replied.
“Alas. He is owed a tidy bit and refuses to do more until he is paid.” Warned Lord Novish.
“Send him to me and I will convince him of his foolishness.” Lord Bindlestiff instructed and at that Novish scurried off like a worried chipmunk to do my Lords bidding.
“My Lord. You are yourself an Illusionist. Is there nothing you can do?” I inquired.
“Of course, there is Argle Bargle, but I needed Lord Novish gone so he would not see that I have tricks up my sleeve. It would not do to have the world know all my secrets.”
I laughed. Lord Bindlestiff always seemed to have answers as well as tricks up his sleeve and a few oddities that came out now and then that one must wait to see…or would that be witness. I was always amazed when he goes off on a verbal tangent speaking gibberish which he calls speaking in tongues. Then one day whilst meandering in a place in the out-reaches of Erf called Yukersnok he began speaking Gibberish and everyone but me understood every word. I learned that day not to question him on his oddities because I would most certainly end up eating my words which is a very real possibility according to Lord Bindlestiff if one is in the right place.
“So, what exactly do you plan for these bandits?” I asked.
Lord Bindlestiff bent a huge smile on his face and said, “Something most extra-ordinary but I will need my counterpart illusionist here to make it work. Please go off and make sure Lord Novish has sent him along. I believe his name is Blatherskite. Be sure to tell him it is I whom requests his presence. He will give no argument, but he will be a tad shy.”
I set off to find Blatherskite curious as to why he sent me instead of a page or a coachmen and for that matter why he sent me at all, but as I wound my way through the streets the answer came to me, an answer he had already given me. Lord Bindlestiff did not want me to write into these journals to particulars of his clever illusion to fend off the bandits. And I must say I was a little put aside over the matter and thus turned away from my mission and slipped back to witness whatever he was up to and it was a spectacular ordeal for I never knew it of My Lord, that he was much more than an illusionist, he was a magician and shape-shifter.
I got back just in time to see Lord Novish and Batherskite meet with Lord Bindlestiff. The three spoke for a moment then the two illusionists walked away from the Lord of Meganoropolis. Novish did not seem too put out. In fact, he hurried off to seek the sanctuary and safety of his palace. I decided to stay out of sight but keep close. I think Lord Bindlestiff spied me out though because he had one of those knowing smiles on his lips when we spoke later of the events that I tried to play dumb about. The version of the events that occurred are my own. My Lord’s was a little scant and if-ish.
The vanguard of Gremorgres scurried off the road as the snow-snakes carried their riders toward the gates of the city. But as the invaders drew closer the gates closed, but that did not stop the snakes from slithering over the wall and that could have been horrific but just then a great emerald and ruby dragon rose over the lip of the wall spewing out a flame of blue white fire melting the vipers from beneath the riders. And then the gates opened, and a herd of buffalo charged the falling Trollish Yeti who ran for their lives, but few escaped the stampede.
And it seemed that all would be resolved but forgotten was the true leader of the brigand gang, a Skyfaller who dropped from the sky diving toward the dragon in a fighter plane that spit out trails of firey lead, most of which fell harmlessly melted aside.
A moment later the dragon and the plane collided, and both crashed to the ground in a ball of dust and roars. And when the dust settle two Skyfallers climbed to their feet and though both staggered faced each other with sabers in hand, ready it seemed to fight to the death. To my surprise it was Blatherskite who had taken up arms against his own patron a fact that Lord Bindlestiff seemed unsurprised over.
“Is this what you have come to old friend. Nothing but a brigand in a land neither of us should exist in.”
“I did not come here by choice. I don’t think any of us do save the one that calls himself the King Of Erf. But I am here nonetheless and play the roll his Majesty dictates or I suffer the consequences.”
“You were not brought here by him my friend, but he has manage to blind you. Chance brought you here but there is one who could send you back if you chose. All you need do is seek him out.”
“Who?”
“The Skyfaller boy.” Said Lord Bindlestiff. “And if you go now to seek him out I will sheath my saber and let you go, but you must swear to return to Mundania as soon as circumstances allow.”
Blatherskite gave no reply. He simply vanished and if things can be guessed at that he kept the promise I should say he did since he has never been seen anywhere again in Erf. Then all Blatherskite’s minions vanished. I wondered if it was all an illusion as much of Erf tends to be except that stuff and those folks who are indigenous.
But I should say or remind you now that Fankle Blatherskite is not an entirely unknown entity. In fact, he hold a very important place in the rendering of many a tale concerning Erf and Skyfallers.
Lord Bindlestiff regarded me with a kindly nod as I joined him by the city gate. I asked, “Are all Skyfallers evil?” He laughed allowed and asked in reply. “Am I evil?”
It was my turn to laugh. Then I said, “It is a time of antiheroes My Lord and evil has become a relative ideal.”
“You have wisdom in you Argle Bargle, but your stories do prattle on sometimes.”
“So, you do read them.” I replied excitedly.
“Of course, I do since you make me out to be something of a hero…rather…antihero and I do appreciate it, but I am but a cog in the ethereal wheel, as you are, but you are an enigma my friend since you are an Erfarian by creation.”
“My Lord. It is worried about that Erf is nothing more than a figment of someone’s imagination which means…” I was proclaiming before Lord Bindlestiff interjected.
“As might be the whole of the universe. None will ever know I think because if such is the case when the figment rains away only the Imaginator will be left.”
“Then what?” I asked ponderously to which Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff responded with his usual shrug of the shoulders.
Erf The Infinite Realm(Donald Harry Roberts)
Erf
The Infinite Realm
Volume One
By
Donald Harry Roberts
Contents
About Erf
Erf
The Infinite Realm
A Preamble
By
Fankle Blatherskite
My Adventures In Erf
An Unexpected Interlude
The Carnival Of Erf
Aders Drin
And
Journey Through Yukersnok Mire
Another Unexpected Journey
Into Yukersnok
Part One
The Gateway To Yukersnok City
Part Two
In Yukersnok City
The Grand And Mystical Adventures
Of
Logan And Parker
The Fantastilistic Twisticated Adventures
Of
Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff
The Earl Of Pantagrueliopolis
Copyright 2020 By Donald Harry Roberts
All Rights Reserved
This exploration into the imagination is dedicated to kids of all ages.
Have fun even if you are entering your second childhood, still practicing your first childhood or simply never managed to abandon the kid in you.
About Erf
The existence of Erf has been debated since the first glimmer of human imagination emerged from the depths of nowhere. Whether it is an actual realm outside the confines of this mundane scape we call The Reality has also been under debate since the first time the mind’s capacity to imagine was examined under the microscope of doubt.
It is doubtful the debate will ever end but for those who make that journey into Erf, The Infinite Realm there remains absolutely no doubt that just beyond the fringe of Mundanie one may trip, slide, fall, wander, skid, drift or jump through a puddle in the rain into that wonderous land where we Mundanie are called Skyfallers.
Lastly, there is no singular description of Erf because every pair of eyes that sees it, sees it differently, and the adventure the carriers of those eyes have experienced is endless.
Erf
The Infinite Realm
A Preamble
By
Fankle Blatherskite
Aye: Tis a quandarsome query when one sets out to weave together the complexities of Erf, and most who try usually go stark raving mad, mad, mad or become so disillusioned with the whole concept of Erf that they become angry and stuff the whole thing in a category shared by Flat Earth and Hollow Earth. both of which may well be part of Erf.
One of the first ponderances investigators approach is the question, “Where is Erf. It seems that people need to have some pin-point location for a place to make it real. Well that might be difficult because even folks who have visited this whimsical, mystical, mythical, multi-damfrantic configuration of existence can give only a single direction. With a wave of their hand, “It’s over yonder there.”
Erf began, some time ago though no one really knows when or what the circumstances of its making ambiguously is/was. Some suggest it started out as a simple, single patch of turf created by someone trying to escape from a life of misery. Others believe it has always been there and is made up of components like little islands all connected yet existing independently, maybe bound together in the vast Sea of Void within the realm of the imagination which is infinite because that place in the mind that holds the imagination is like walking into a small tent and a city expands before you and the further in you go the more it expands until it’s time to leave and the visitor comes back to Mundanieland.
One might ask, if one seems never have had the opportunity to visit Erf, “How does a body find Erf.”
Before I explain this I must inform you that absolutely everyone has, however unknowingly, visited Erf, but most forget the experience.
Visiting Erf generally happens by chance, by falling through a portal of some sort. That is why we Mundanies are called Skyfaller. We literally fall into Erf through Erf’s sky, somehow landing safely but it’s different for everyone and depends on the circumstances of the event. For Donald Harry Roberts who penned and is still penning “My Adventures In Erf”, it was an accident while working as a pin setter in a bowling alley. He fell into the pin pit and landed on a mound of hay in an Erf Farmyard. He wrote about his experiences in Erf without permission from The King and there has been a warrant sent out for his capture, but that is a two way bandi-clash because Donald is searching for the King to knock him off his self-styled, self- coronated pedestal because Donald, as many do, does not believe he has the right to be there.
Then, of course, there are those who have done something nasty who fall into the Yukersnok Mire, of which there are two current tales in the Tome entitled, The Chronicles of Erf.
In support of Erf having always existed and Skyfallers simply discovered it whole and functional quite by accident there are indigenous creatures that inhabit its vast scape, none of whom are Mundanie though some are much like us with twisted variations and apparitions of mythology and have apparently visited us here in the mundanest of realities. But there are some that believe the creation of Erf occurred in the autumn of 1962 by the author of My Adventures In Erf himself and it is all a figment of his imagination that somehow expanded allowing other Skyfallers to drop in through their own versions of a portal. I doubt it will ever be known which version of its creation is correct and in the long run it really doesn’t matter. It exists and anyone with an imagination can find their personal portal into this wonderful, majestical, magical, mythical, weird world. Nasty folks, as I have alluded to are sometimes summoned and land in Yukersnok Mire. Which is most difficult to escape if you are not willing to pay the price for your indiscretion, which can be very alarming in nature if the Lord Earl of Yukersnok so chooses. I suppose it depends on how bad your misdeed is.
As for the King. Well, that’s a conundrum of confusion since he is not the King of Erf, only King of the Skyfallers, but has gained a kind of control over Erf by some means of sorceristic manipulationing…or she… no one has ever met this elusive monarch, but I have never heard of a girl king. No one knows where to find him and it seems he is omnipresent and sees everything that goes on in Erf and presents his special Skyfallers with an Earldom over one of Erfs infinite fragments, or facets of existence I prefer to describe as Islands enmeshed by silver threads of thought, yet floating independently on the infinite Sea of Emptiness, which is not really empty but seems so when looked at through dull unimaginative eyes.
Do you remember that time when you tripped on something but when you looked to see what it was there was nothing there? Well, chances are it was a portal into Erf and if you would have toppled over you would have fallen into Erf and had a grand old adventure.
And, I should reveal, there is another mysticism on this subject.
Remember the time you were walking along, going somewhere when suddenly you’re there but you can’t remember the walk even though it was quite a distance. Well, guess what. You probably visited Erf, but under those circumstances, few ever remember the experience except the knowing of ‘Well something happened, but what?”
And of course, there is the dream portal which almost everyone has experienced but writes it off as, “JUST A DREAM.”
I could go on and on about Erf until I have written an epic volume, however, if I did that, there would be nothing left to learn about this marvelicious world and what fun would that be? I think you would have more fun reading My Adventures In Erf and The Chronicles Of Erf penned by Donald Harry Roberts and Various guest writers.
In a last flurry of burbling, I highly recommend that the next time you get the chance to be a Skyfaller take it unless of course you are the wicked type and land in Yukersnok Mire by no choice of your own. That really is a nasty, nasty place.
If you have been wondering who I am well…keep wondering, Fankle Blatherskite is my ‘Pen Name’ because I am not about to reveal my identity any time soon. Just know that when you find a story penned in the third person I am most likely to be the narrator. Other first-person stories may show up written by authors other than Donald of course, which my part in it will merely be the editor. Nothing gets publish before going through me first.
And so, I bid you adieu and maybe we shall meet one day in Erf, but don’t look for me or count on it. It will certainly be an accidental crossing of paths and very brief.
My Adventures In Erf
By
Donald Harry Roberts
A Brief Ramble
Are you going to believe my story? Probably not BECAUSE I know even though it happened to me I have a hard time believing. Nonetheless I will tell you of my adventure in the really weird magical mystical nonsensical land of Erf. I am old now and my goal is to find my way back there for of all the places I have visited in my Gypsy ways Erf is the only one that I ever felt right in. I think it is one of those places one might call Kingdom At the End Of The World, where one needs a very special passport to enter.
Chapter One
I was 11 years old, blond, blue eyed, 4 feet 11 inches in height and in excellent shape owing to my job of 2 years that kept me in better shape than any PE class or modern day gym club. I worked as a pin setter in a bowling alley and was responsible for six lanes. I ran. I jumped and I climbed. I worked Thursday and Friday evening for adult 10 pin leagues, two leagues each night and Saturday morning for a kids 5 pin league. I think I had one of the best paying kid’s jobs in town, certainly better than the pittance received for delivering newspapers. With tips I could take home 28 dollars weekly which was good for part time 1962 at any age.
It was Friday, June 22nd. Two days after my eleventh birthday. I ran home straight after school and ate the supper Mother had put out for me before she went off to work at the photo studio where she was a colourist. I don’t remember now what the fare was but probably beams and wieners, which was common for Fridays.
Then I headed downtown, crossing the town bridged at a galloping speed, along Dundas St. two blocks and up the stairs to the bowling alley. Mr. Gay was dressing the lanes as always and greeted me cheerfully. He liked me mostly because I always showed up and I was always on time for the 5 o’clock league of six teams, one on each lane and four bowlers to a team.
By 4:45 I was all set up, water, sweat towel and two sandwiches Mrs. Gay always made for me for between league snacks. The pins were all set for the first game. I had actually managed to train the bowlers to perform their skills so that I had a pin setting system that kept the games moving as quickly as possible, another aspect Mr. Gay liked about my work. Bowlers were already arriving and getting ready for the last league games of the season, the Play Offs, which included a party after, which I could not attend because it was an adult affair, which meant alcoholic beverages.
But I was fairly compensated because the league president always presented me with a bonus. But things went way out to left field that night, half way through the second of three games.
I was on lane six waiting for Mr. Rollman to pull one of his timely strikes where the head pin always popped into the air and backwards. If I could catch the pin in my feet, which I got really good at, Mr. Rollman would give me fifty cents at the end of the night. In fact, I got fifty cents for every head pin I picked out of mid-air, sometimes ten over the night. Mr. Rollman wound up and rolled the perfect strike ball. I positioned myself to catch it but as I reached out with my feet I slid off the running deck, flipped over backwards and crashed head first into the pin pit. And that my friends is where things got weird, magical, mystical and utterly nonsensical.
I said I crashed into the bottom of the pin pit, which should have happened, but it didn’t. Instead I fell into a blackness so thick I could not see my hand in front of my face and believe me I waved it vigorously several times which leads you to understand I fell for quite a while, at least it seemed that way but it could have been only a few heart beats, but you know how things slow down when things like this happen. How many times have you fallen and felt like you were going down in slow motion, until you hit bottom and crash and it starts to hurt. Fortunately, when I crashed I was not on hard ground. It was into a big fluffy mound of hay.
I suppose this is where I am going lose some of you readers who are now rolling your eyes and getting ready to click me off. Well I guess its TTFN then but you’re going to be missing out, especially that little spark of you that is still a kid and still believes in magic.
To those who are deciding to stay on and enjoy my adventure vicariously from the comfort of your reading chair, let us continue on.
Now to recap. I landed in a fluffy mound of hay startling three jersey milk cows chewing their cud. You can imagine my surprise/alarm when one of them said in very clear and plain English. “Oh, my Jorgina and Petra. Something has crushed our dinner.”
“A human boy.” Said the speaker whose name was Matilda.
“What happened? Where…where am I?” I heard myself ask.
A very quick crowing voice came in answer. “Erf. You are in Erf you foolish human. Where else would you be?” Said the Black Rooster in a very annoyed voice. “You nearly landed on me and I would have been crushed had I not been very quick to jump from the mound.”
“Oh Mr. Crowly. Don’t be so mean. I am sure the boy did not mean to try and land on you. You know how these things happen. Humans have no idea what is happening to them until they land and even then they ask stupid and confused questions.” Matilda came to my defense.
“Well. We should send him up to see Farmer Bigoldman before he gets into any more trouble or manages to start trouble. He doesn’t look much like a farm boy.”
“You are right. I am not a farm boy. I work in a bowling alley and I fell…. here.” I replied anxiously and I must admit I was really confused and a little scared.
“Here. Here.” This time it was a barking voice and a large black and tan dog of no particular breed appeared from the other side of the hay mound.
“I will take him up to the farm house. It is my job to keep an eye on intruders…ah guests, after all.”
“Good. Get him out of here before he gets up to any human boy shenanigans.” Crowed Mr. Crowly.
“This way.” Barked the dog in a rather Scottishy brogue if indeed such is possible. He then moved behind me and nudged me with his nose, in the middle of my back. He was not a small dog since his nose stood 2 feet 6 inches or there abouts, from the ground.
“What is your name Boy? I need to know so I can introduce you properly to Farmer Armstrong and his Mrs.” Asked the Dog.
“Donald.” I began. Most people called me Donny, but I hated that, and I wasn’t really a Don, so I introduced myself with my whole name. “Donald Harry Roberts.”
“Well Donald, Donald Harry Roberts. Where have you fallen from besides out of clear air?”
“I was at work setting pins in a bowling alley when I fell, straight through the floor into the blackness. Obviously, you know where I landed.” I answered, and then asked. “And who exactly are you?”
“Why I am Mr. Ruffus, head of security here on at Armstrong Farm. I thought everyone knew that.” The dog replied indignantly.
“You have forgotten already Mr. Ruffus. I am a complete stranger here.”
“Yes. I suppose you are and can be forgiven for not knowing such a commonly known individual as myself.”
We came around the barn and climbed a long hill to its grassy crest. Away in the distance, beyond a valley and at the crest of a green knoll stood house or should I call it a Castle of huge proportions since even at a distance it was enormous.
“That must be a mile away.” I said.
“And then some Donald, Donald Harry Roberts.”
I had to chuckle. “Just call me Donald, Mr. Ruffus.” “Ah. I forgot. Humans have multiple names but why is beyond me.”
But that my friends was only a small part of my mounting awe as I looked ahead. As if talking cows, rooster and a dog weren’t enough to put my mind reeling there appeared in the sky above the castle something just too amazing for my mind to grasp in the first seconds that I saw it. The only thing I could do was stare.”
Chapter Two
LOL. I can hear you thinking; “Yah sure, here we go with the dragons or monsters or some other kind of mythical wicked nasty beast.”
Well you don’t quite have it right.
What I saw hovering over the castle was a humongous bird that was all blue and white and not at all strange to me except its size. A bird I have always been amazed by. It was a Great Blue Herron. The most beautiful bird I had ever seen. I saw four at my grandfather’s place in the woods.
It circled over the castle several times then with majestic gracefulness it banked east and flew off into the growing darkness.
“Will it come back?” I asked Mr. Ruffus.
“It comes round now and then, when Farmer Armstrong beckons it.” The dog answered.
I looked all about for a long while as we strolled casually toward the castle. Finally, I asked. “Where on Earth am I?”
“Well. You are not on earth, exactly. This is Erf, The Infinite Realm to be precise and this region is Rolling Downs. Farmer Armstrong is the Overlord.”
At that age I only had a vague idea what an Overlord was, and it was not particularly good. The word itself sounded ominous. I think Mr. Ruffus sensed my concern and quickly added.
“As Overlords go he is fair enough with his tenants.”
“Are you a tenant?”
“Lordy loverbugs I should say not. Animals are not tenants or servants. We live among Twoleggers because it is convenient. In turn we provide them with small services.”
“Are there many Twoleggers here? I inquired. The answer was disturbing.
“Where there is one Twolegger there are whole villages. Farmer Armstrong is a rare bird since there is only him and his wife and they only have three off springs. Most mated ones have at least seven and up to twenty.”
“You make us sound like rats.”
“Not even close. I love rat. They are actually quite tasty.”
“You eat each other?” I responded with surprise.
“Not all Fourleggers here are intelligent, Rodents for example. And bugs, for the most part.”
“So, if an animal can’t talk then they are open game?”
“Crudely put but not inaccurate.” Mr. Ruffus replied.
A few seconds later I heard Ruffus chuckled. He was joking with me. He finally said. “Most Humans that live here came here like you. They fell out of the sky with no idea how. Farmer Armstrong came nearly fifty years ago.”
I laughed and scratched Mr. Ruffus’s ears and he let a low growl escape his muzzle and continued as we walked along I decide that Erf might not be a bad place to be if I had to be somewhere else besides home. But I was mystified how I got there from a pin pit in down town Trenton. To this day I never found the answer.
We came at last to the wrought iron gate entering the castle grounds. It was attended by two giant bears which I later learned were of the Kodiak family.
They nodded officially at Mr. Ruffus and pulled the double gate open with ease and silence. Not a squeak or creek did they give though it was obvious they had hung there for countless years, generations maybe.
“Do bears talk?” I asked when were well on our way along the green way arched by enormous oak, maple and elm trees.
“They can if they have a mind to, but bears are more thinkers than talkers and only speak when there is something worth saying, except for cubs who never shut up unless sound asleep or eating.” Mr. Ruffus answered in a most amiable way.
We passed out of the canopy of trees onto a half moon shaped staging area where several carriages were parked, each drawn by magnificent golden draught horses. The carriages were worthy of royalty gilded in gold, silver and various gems in a rainbow of colours.
Standing by each of the carriages were men clad in uniforms that reminded me of hotel doormen. They were all chatting and smoking long stemmed pipes with carved bowls, many of which were images of mythical beasts.
“Farmer Armstrong must be an important person. More important than his title would indicate.” I noted remembering that Overlords by any other name were Lords of The Manor, earls and Viscounts, Marquis and even dukes. Thank you Miss Ruckstal.” My fourth grade social studies teacher.
“Well favoured would be a better analogy Donald. He is well known for his hospitality toward travelers, especially of royal descent. I believe he has visions of one day being more than an Overlord, but such things can take a life time to achieve.” Mr. Ruffus explained thoughtfully. “Does that go for dogs and cows and roosters?” I queried?”
“We animals are what we are, but we do have our own hierarchy among the different species. I for example began as a shepherd’s dog fresh out of puppyhood but was not long in learning the bettering of Farm Security. Now I command twelve guard dogs and someday, well, I may reach the station of Alpha.”
We came to the bottom of the steps leading up to the massive oak doors of the castle entrance way. I counted 39 steps and wondered if that was significant remembering that 39 was part of the numerical sequence advancing to 13 x 13 which then equals 169.
I shrugged my shoulder and began the ascent with Ruffus lagging a step or two behind. I wondered why since he had been right at my side until then.
I counted the steps as we climbed and much to my weariness discovered that they numbered 169. But when I reached the top I counted them again and only got 39.
I quizzed Ruffus about this but now he would not speak.
Next he dropped to walking on all four paws and that intelligent glint in his rich golden eyes dimmed but did not completely fade.
Two guards stood at the door. They reminded me of two of the three musketeers and I was tempted to make a joke but thought better of it when one glared at me, then Mr. Ruffus, who lowered his head subserviently.
When the doors opened, and we began to enter the castle one of the musketeers stepped in front of Mr. Ruffus. “You were told not to return until you apologies for insulting The Earl Of Sheepland.”
“I did, profusely.” Mr. Rufus replied in a low unfriendly growl.
“Leave him be.” I said forcefully. He is my escort and you will treat him with respect.”
The guard frowned but nodded and stepped back. “Yes, My Lord. As you will.”
When we were inside and had a moment alone I said. “That was interesting being called My Lord. What does it mean?”
“You will see soon enough Donald, Donald Harry Roberts.” Ruffus replied then added, I mean My Lord Donald, Donald Harry Roberts.” There was a strong hint of humour in his tone.
“Now what do we do?” I asked quite loudly, glancing about the foyer curiously.
“You come this way.” A voice came out of a shadow. “It was a soft purring voice owned by a Lioness of such a golden hue upon her fur that I felt blinded for an instant.
Chapter Three
She was scary. There was a natural sardonic grin on her lips enhanced by long glittering white fangs. “Lord Armstrong is in the drawing room with guests My Lord Donald.” She growled with a hint of contempt. Then her gaze turned to Mr. Ruffus and her expression softened. “It is pleasant to see you here again Ruffus. Our Overlord has been asking after you.”
“Agat.my dear. If you recall, it was he that banished me from the Manor.” Mr. Ruffus snarled.
The Lioness smiled brightly. “Only because he had to put on a show for the Earl of Sheepland. He was actually quite amused and agreed with your analogy of ‘The Bum.”
I was eleven years old. All this bantering should have gone over my head, but it didn’t. I understood exactly what these two were talking about and realized that we, who had fallen out of the sky were not necessarily in good standing with the indigenous inhabitants of Erf.
“If you two could save your chatter until we get me squared away I would be forever grateful.”
“Both faced me and bowed their heads. “Yes, My Lord.” They recited in unison.
Then Mr. Ruffus came near and whispered. “Don’t get cocky kid. Things are changing.”
“I don’t get it.” I answered.
Finally, Agat directed me to the drawing room door but did not go in. As I pushed the door and entered the drawing room and saw my hosts I nearly blurted out a roar of laughter. Fortunately, I managed to arrest the urge, which was a feat for an eleven year old kid.
These men, of various ages were all decked out in frilly finery more suited to a ladies fashion show than a gathering of Lords and Overlords and semi royal dignitaries, with the exception of one. Lord Armstrong who was aptly dressed for what he was. A farmer. Best yet, as I will explain. I knew him.
I could hardly believe my eyes.
Once, when my family lived in a rented house on a farm Mr. Armstrong, the very same one that was an Erf Overlord was a farm hand where the cattle were beef cows. He used to answer all my questions no matter how many I asked, or how fast and he use to ride me around on the tractor in his lap and allow me to steer, sort of. I was four and five. We moved to town when I started school.
As I crossed the room he looked toward me, and I saw a glint in his old blue eyes. No smile of course. Mr. Armstrong never smiled and rarely got out of sounding grumpy. Though he was never really grumpy.
As I got close he said accusingly, in a friendly sort of way. So, what mischief do you get into to get yourself here?”
“I don’t know. I was at work setting pins at Mr. Gay’s Bowling alley, then I fell, then I was here.”
“Ah. A workin man were you. That’s good. You already know what doing a job is.”
“Were?” I replied.
“Well kid. Something happened to you back there that got you here and falling out of the sky.”
“Does that mean I am dead or something?”
“Well, or something at least. If you never leave you’re probably dead back there but if you leave well you are probably something other than dead.”
“Ok, but for now I am here, and everyone is calling me Lord Donald.”
“Don’t take it too seriously kid. It’s probably going to be short lived. There’s a big Coup going on. The animal folk seem to think us sky fallers are getting to big for our britches and need a little disciplining.”
It occurred to me that one place wasn’t much different than another. No matter where you go conflict is bound to follow or be there waiting for you. I was beginning to feel a lot older than my 11 years and that if I weren’t dead it would be a good time to fall up through the sky again. But that did not happen. My adventures in Erf had barely begun.
“So, what happens now? I asked curtly.
“That is what this meeting is all about. We are the Overlords.” Mr. Armstrong was saying.
“Wait. Who made us Overlords of a place we all just fell out of the sky to?”
“The King of course.” Mr. Armstrong answered.
“Is the king a sky faller?”
“He is.” Mr. Armstrong answered suspiciously. What are you thinking?”
“Oh nothing.” I told Mr. Armstrong but I had a great deal on my mind, stuff that the Skyfaller Overlords would not approve of.
Mr. Armstrong had gone back to the meeting but kept an eye on me. There was a skirmish of angry words thrown back and forth among the Overlords but absolutely nothing was getting resolved.
“Excuse me. Excuse me.” I interrupted.
The room fell silent.
“Who among you was the last to see and speak with the king, who should be the one resolving whatever situation has arisen.
“Well. No one of us has ever seen the king, but we have all been spoken to by him, as you will be once he becomes aware you are here.”
“What. No one has ever seen him. How do know he exists or that he has the authority to make you Overlords?”
“Because he said so. We all heard him say it.” Someone shouted out.
“What do the animals say about it?” I asked harshly.
“Well. Not anything good. They say we have no right to claim anything here, but we are the superior species so that gives us the right. That is to organize land ownership. The animals just wandered about with no one in charge and no one to decide what is best for the land.” Overlord Bastch who was a crop farmer explained.
I rolled my eyes and left the room. Obviously, there was little point in trying to change any minds in that crowd.
Mr. Ruffus. Lady Agat. Can we talk for a moment. I can see why you are not of kindly minds toward the Skyfallers. I would not be if I were one of you. I think I can change things but first I need to find the Skyfaller King. For that I will need your help.”
“Why should we trust another Skyfaller?” The Lioness challenged.
“I had to think about my answer for several minutes. Then I replied. “Because they are adults set in their ways of order and rule. I am just a kid and my mind has not been closed.”
Mr. Ruffus and Lady Agat both studied me for a long time, then each other for as long then turned their gaze back to me. As one they said. “Your words seem to make sense, but there is a problem. We do not know where this Skyfaller King lives, nor do I think do the Overlords. Whenever we have asked they just wave and say, “Over that way.” And point in no particular direction.” Lady Agat described.
“He will be speaking to me soon I am told. I will ask for an audience, or barring that ask where he lives.” I suggested. “In the meantime, a map of Erf would come in handy. Maybe would, could take an educated guess.”
Chapter Four
Waiting. I have never liked waiting, especially as a boy and with nothing to do but wait. I couldn’t help but wonder who got my job at the bowling alley and whether I was in a coma, just knocked out or dead. It was a lot for my 11 year old mind to handle but I managed.
I was also a little disappointed with Mr. Armstrong until two days later when he found me in the barn inspecting the stalls. I had just picked up a pitch fork when he came in saying. “I see you still love the farm life. I sensed it when we were riding on the tractor.” His smile was broad and warm. I knew right then that the old Mr. Armstrong I knew and loved was still there.
“I am trying to understand all this Mr. Armstrong and some of it is sinking in but it is really, really weird and I am a little frightened to think I might be dead.” I said as I began turning the straw in the stall. “But I am more concerned about what we are doing here. It seems our presence is not welcomed or at least how we have been conducting ourselves. We seem to be taking over or trying to. And from what I have heard the animals are beginning to get a little frazzled about the invasion.”
“Which is why you, Agat, Mr. Ruffus and myself are going to find the King. I think he needs dethroning.”
“When do we start?” I asked enthusiastically.
“Just as soon as we know where to find him. He should be contacting you at any time now and giving you your designation. Which translates to, what Overlord you will be.” answered Mr. Armstrong. “I have a plan to discovering at least the direction in which we should begin our search.” He added.
I was glad to learn that my old friend had not become the ogre I first suspected.
“We don’t belong here Donald. At least not in any capacity that would impact Erf and the balance it enjoyed until we started falling out of the sky, hence becoming Skyfallers to the indigenous folk here.”
I was smiling from ear to ear as Mr. Armstrong shared his wisdom. Lots of thoughts went through my mind but he had always insisted that I listen first then talk after. So, I waited until he was finished to say, “How did we start falling from the sky?” I asked.
“Don’t know for sure but I think it I would call it the Rabbit Hole effect.”
I laughed because I knew exactly what he meant but put in. “But all that was nonsense made up by a man with a really big and weird imagination.”
“Are you sure it was made up? How do you know it wasn’t very real? Just as real as this is for you.”
I had to ponder that question for quite some time, and I think in fact it has only been recently that I stitched together a plausible response.
Soon came the very next morning when myself and my three companions were sitting around a campfire sipping tea and coffee and keeping much to our own thoughts.
Suddenly, someone called my name and my head snapped up so that I was looking sky ward. Then when the voice continued it seemed to come from the north east of Mr. Armstrong’s hay barn.
“Welcome to Erf Lord Donald. Your presence is much welcomed for we are in much need of an Overlord for the Carnival, where there are rides and games and entertainment abound.”
“Very well but I must see you before I take my place. It is very important for I bear a message from, from…Mr. Gay.” I was making it up as I went along.
“Really. What would he want with me?”
“You only find out when I deliver it to you personally or should I say, in person.”
All of a sudden Erf was filled with laughter. “Clever boy. Liar, liar. I know no one named Mr. Gay. You are trying to trick me.”
I had to think quick since I was caught in my ploy.
“Oh, very well. I lied but the truth is,” I decided to play on the King’s Vanity; “I want to see your magnificence, The First Skyfaller and the Skyfaller who claimed Erf for all who falls in.”
I guess I laid it on a little thick but for all my efforts he didn’t fall for that either.
“Enough. I have offered you your Overlord ship and now you must take it if you wish to survive here in Erf. Without position you will simply be a Gypsy whom no one, not Skyfaller or Animal will like.”
I took the cue. “So be it Mr. Self-appointed King. I will be an outcast in your game.”
I heard Mr. Armstrong whisper. “We are good boy. I have a direction to begin with and your Gypsiness will afford us the leave to wander where we will. Well done kid.”
“Then be gone brat. I will find another more worthy. A girl. Yes. A girl to Oversee my Carnival.” Said the King angrily. “Bother brats that waste my time when I have offered them a place of position here.” Rumbled from a dark cloud away to the north and deep into the sky.
“So. Even I can see he hides in the sky to the north of here.” Said I.
“On the contrary my boy. That is but a reflection. His stead is in fact away to the south and east, directly opposite to north and west where lies the magnetic pole, no matter what land you are visiting.” Mr. Armstrong redirected my thoughts.
“When shall we begin our search?” Asked Mr. Ruffus. “As soon as we are ready my friend. I believe our way shall meander greatly so we should prepare for a longish if not very long treadalong.” answered Mr. Armstrong.
And at that we each went to gather the things we thought we might need on the journey. I was suddenly very glad of my training a boy cub and for once took its motto seriously. “Be Prepared.” And that meant for anything.
I will not bore you with the long drawn out details of the contents of my travel pack. Suffice to say that I had imagined the whole affair as a worst case scenario and prepared accordingly. You can use your own imagination, but I will tell you it included an Erf version of a Swiss army knife and a sling shot made of an oaky and a strong strip of rubbery stuff made of chewed tree gum.
We reconvened late in the afternoon and decided to mark our departure the next morning after a good night’s sleep.
For the remainder of the afternoon, until supper time I wandered about talking to the animals who by then had heard of our plan and were quite delighted.
I did not sleep well that night. My brain wouldn’t shut off. I didn’t want to fall asleep because I was afraid that if I did when I woke up Erf would be gone or, or nothing, whatever comes when you die. I guess my eleven year old mind still had visions of heaven and hell, angels and little red men with horns tails and fiery pitchforks.
But I did eventually drift off and I dreamed that I was at my job in the bowling alley, setting pins and learning from Mr. Gay how to dress the lanes between leagues.
I woke just before dawn to the sound of something scratching at the door of my sleeping room.
Chapter Five
The scratching at my door wakened me with a start. At first I thought it might be Lady Agat or Mr. Ruffus but then realized they would have knocked.
My heart began to pound, and I was on the verge of crying out when the door creaked open and the rooster strutted in.
“It is time to get up Donald.” He said in his crowing voice. “The others are already at breakfast.”
Instead of screaming I broke out in a hearty, belly deep laugh.
“Very well. I will be there in a few minutes.” I finally managed to say after nearly a full minute rapt in laughter.
I scrambled from my bed and dressed as quickly as possible, snatched up my ravel pack and hurried outside. The first edge of the sun had just crested the horizon. I can’t say why but I was feeling really good, or should I say really positive. Maybe it had to do with waking up in the same place I went to sleep which made me feel a little more secure.
The others were sitting at a picnic table gobbling down a feast. I baled in and started devouring everything within reach. There was no meat which did not surprise me though I had visions of crisp bacon and eggs dancing in my head. But there were plenty of nuts and cheese and bread and fruits and honey and jams, so I forgot about my carnivorous tendencies quickly.
When my stomach was stuffed I filled a grub bag and tied it to my belt for walking food. In case you are too old to recall. Eleven year olds’ are always hungry.
When Mr. Armstrong, Mr. Ruffus and I set out it felt to me that we were short of a full company. Four would have felt better so I invited the Crowly to join us, but he refused profusely. “I cannot leave the farm. It’s not safe. People, Skyfallers out there eat critters like me.”
“Very well. I am sure we will come up with a fourth member to make out numbers even. Odd numbers are, well, odd and seldom help to keep things balanced.” I replied.
I walked in the middle. Mr. Armstrong was on my left and Mr. Ruffus on my right. I don’t know why it happened that way but throughout our journey it remained that way, even later when a fourth member joined out entourage, who took up a position a pace or two behind me. But our fourth did not join us for quite a while.
By Mr. Armstrong’s direction we set off south and east, crossing grazing fields at an angle since it seemed all the fields were perfectly square ten acre lots and nicely lined up like a checker board. I advise you to remember this for a reference point later in my story.
We had walked for only an hour when we came to the fence gate that exited Mr. Armstrong’s farm. As we passed through it I sense a certain melancholy in my old mentor, but when I inquired about it he answered, “I miss a lots of things about my time before becoming a Skyfaller, but mostly I miss my old tractor. Life seemed so simple when I rode about on it, just watching the day cruise by. And I miss those summer days when you and I would ride together. After you moved away things got lonely then one day I fell off the tractor and landed here.”
“I fell too, off the running ramp at the bowling alley, into the pin pit. I wonder if all Skyfallers actual fall before they get here?”
Ahead, at first there was only a wide meadow but when we were all through the gate the farm faded, and we found ourselves at the edge of a forest with the wide meadow behind us. My head swirled a little and, much to my surprise Mr. Ruffus was down on all fours and just a dog, a smart one but still just a dog.
“Well.” Said I. “It seems your farm has something magical about it Mr. Armstrong.”
“Indeed.” Mr. Armstrong who, much to my surprise was no longer and old man but a boy about my own age.
Mr. Armstrong checked himself over thoroughly. “Now this is a boon. I hope it will last. I don’t like being old. Everything hurts all the time, though one does get used to it.”
“So, what do I call you now that we are both boys?” I asked.
“Mr. Armstrong of course. I still have all the memories I gathered over the years.”
“I suppose that is something to consider but you can’t call me Kid anymore.” I replied with a strong hint of humour.”
I gazed into the shadows of the forest for a minute and like the forest across the road from the old farm house we lived in before moving to town it sent waves of curiosity and excitement through me.
“Do you think there will be wolves in there?” I asked Mr. Armstrong.
Mr. Ruffus barked as though in answer. Funny how I still understood him. “YES!”
Forests are forests are forests, are forests. NOT
At first the trees were like any other trees in any other forest but after only a few strides under its canopy the trees twisted up like old men and women and seemed to breath just like us.
Not that trees don’t breathe everywhere but not so as humans can hear. In this forest I could hear the air, in, out, in, out. But that was only a small part of the magic of this woodland.
As we delved deeper into the shadows, a green and golden colour rather than dark and grey, a sense of knowing whispered from the leaves and branches and far off we could hear the howl of wolves. And suddenly Mr. Ruffus was on his hind legs, half wolf and half man, but not as you might be thinking, a werewolf.
“It seems I am prone to change.” Said Mr. Ruffus.
“Indeed.” Replied Mr. Armstrong to which Mr. Ruffus re-replied. “As you seem to be as well Mr. Armstrong.”
“Yes, and I think I might know why.” Mr. Armstrong said with a brushing of sadness.
And there I stood. Exactly as I was from the beginning. An eleven year old kid, completely unchanged. “I guess I will remain just me, no matter what happens to everything around me.”
“That could be good news.” Replied Mr. Armstrong.
“How do you think?” I asked.
“Mr. Armstrong thought for a moment and was about to answer but never got the chance.
“A shriek filled the air. The limbs of the trees quivered with fear. The air rippled with a horrible stench. Mr. Ruffus’s hackles stood on end and Mr. Armstrong screamed a scream that curdled my blood.
Chapter Six
It might have been several minutes, or seconds that passed as we all stood there glancing fearfully here and there, cranking out necks to the breaking point trying to discover the host of that hellatious shriek.
When it came again, this time closer I nearly jumped out of my skin.
And then.
I did not know whether I should run, wet my trousers or laugh when over a knoll came a Witch, clad in a black windswept draping gown, a pointed black, stereo-typical witch’s hat and of all the confounding things one can imagine, she was riding a broom.
When she was nearer still she shrieked again only this time there were ugly words etched into the sound.
“Turn back and go home Donald Harry Roberts, you ugly little man or I will turn you into something horrible.
I laughed, though a little nervously. Mr. Armstrong said in warning voice. “Be careful boy. She might seem ridiculous, but she is still a witch and you could end up laughing on the other side of your face.”
“I stopped laughing, outwardly, but my belly continued to ripple as I chuckled inwardly.
I have to tell you I was a cocky kid especially when adults decided I needed threatening, like my grade one teacher who tried time and time again to intimidate me with her vicious little strap. She never could make me cry and I even managed to control the wincing. It really upset her when I would pull my hand away and the strap would hit her leg full force. The Witch on the broom kind of reminded me of that teacher, including the frizzy white hair.
“Since she can fly around on a broom I suppose she can turn me into something nasty and ugly.” I said to Mr. Armstrong.
“That my Boy is Crystal, Queen of the Sand Witches, Empress of The Desert. She can cast just about any kind of spell she wants with that Witch-willow Wand of hers, though she can mix a spell brew without it just as well.” Mr. Armstrong replied in a worried voice. “And believe me kid she has no bones about using her powers.” He added. Then after a few seconds he said, “We would be wise for now to employ a strong degree of diplomacy and appeal to her softer disposition and vanity.”
“You mean suck up to her.” I replied.
“That is exactly what he means, and he is right.” Mr. Ruffus spoke up…quietly.
“Like I said, her frizzy hair stuck out around her hat and flowed in kinky waves about two feet behind her. Then as she got close enough that I could see her face I could hardly believe what I saw. She was beautiful, a scary kind of beautiful but beautiful nonetheless, though at that age I was not sure what to think of it. Beauty, to an old man and to an 11 year old is quite different. Her beauty then was a little hollywoodish, like Jane and Marilyn.
I don’t know what got into me as she came close and hovered a few feet away and just over our heads, but I stepped forward and asked in my best childish awe. “Are you a beautiful movie star?”
The beautiful part hit the mark, but she asked curiously and sincerely, “Whatever is a movie?”
I tried to explain the technicalities of a movie in my own way of understanding but that went over her head, so I put it this way. “It’s like a dream that shows up on a wall and you can watch it from a chair several feet away.”
“And I shine like a star in this dream of yours?” The Sand Witch Queen replied.
“Exactly.” I replied.
“Well how nice. You are probably lying just so I won’t turn you into a slug or something just as vile and slimy but I like it anyway so you can keep your little boy shape for now.”
She paused for a moment staring at Mr. Armstrong then said. “Why have you left your farm old man? You are master there but not here.”
“We are out looking for the King.” Mr. Armstrong answered truthfully.
“Did it not occur to you to ask permission to cross my Empire?” Queen Crystal asked in a threatening tone.
“Nope.” I answered. “It never even crossed my mind.” My voice came out in a spurt of brave defiance though I was quivering a little on the inside, afraid I would undo the little good I had done by tickling the Queen’s vanity. “All I am thinking about is finding the Skyfaller King.”
“Ah. That King. No one, not even I have has ever seen him, though everyone has heard him, the wretched clod.” Replied the queen.
I felt like saying, “It can’t be any worse than your shrieking,” but I kept it to myself and asked instead. “Will you give us leave to cross your Empire of Sand?”
“You won’t find him here.” The Queen replied.
“Correct, but he may be somewhere beyond your realm to the east.” Mr. Armstrong suggested.
“You could go around.” The Queen teased.
And about then I started getting frustrated with the game because the fact is I hate these kind of games.
“Yes or no Queen Crystal.” I interjected abruptly.
The Queen sneered at me for a few seconds then let out a evilish cackle and said. “Well you do have some stuff in you kid. Yes. You may cross the desert but go in a straight line and try not to disturb my subjects. Of course, you will have to watch out for the Sandman and the Sand vipers and the sink holes and the shifting dunes.” She warned then cackled again and flew away.
“That went pretty good.” Mr. Ruffus said with a sigh of relief. “It seems Queen Crystal has taken a liking to you, kid, but don’t let it go to your head. She is evil through and through and her heart is as dark as night. I am sure she has an ulterior motive for being nice.” Mr. Armstrong advised.
“All that matters is we can cross the desert with her blessing, but from the sound of it her blessing doesn’t do much to protect us from the indigenous critters.” I countered. “And I think I know what she wants. I think she wants to meet the Skyfaller King.”
A desert is a desert is a desert is a desert, no matter what kind of world you are scampering about. The Queen’s desert was hot and windy, and the sand made our feet sweat through our boots. I could almost see the dunes drifting like huge waves curling in slow motion. If the circumstances had been a little different the whole experience would have been fun, but we were on a mission and any thought of sand boarding or skiing had to be set aside.
Something crashed. It came down from the clearest blue sky I had ever seen.
“Thunder.” I asked.
We had just crested a dune when suddenly the sand began to shift and far below was a swirling hole from which emerged a monster of gigantic proportions. I don’t like guns, but I would have given a lot for Mr. Armstrong’s old double barrel shot gun just then.
The beast twisted through the sand up the dune toward us. Its maw open wide and a deep groaning sound emanating from deep in its belly.
“We may be finished before we start.” Mr. Ruffus growled.
Chapter Seven
Kids of 11 years might think of getting eaten by big ugly monsters, but they don’t really consider that they might die in the process…not really and I was no different. So as the sand beast came toward us my mind was work furiously to find a way out and the only thing that came to mind is start wishing. After all, this was a magical place and in magical places wishes had to mean something. So, I wished for help…from anyone, or thing.
The beast reared up and was about to descend upon us and gobble us down the hatch but at that very instant a blazing flash of light struck the creature hard and square in the head.
I opened my eyes having been knocked senseless from the concussion of the blazing flash of light. It took me a second to realize I was not dead or that I had not been swallowed by the sand beast. And then my eyes perceived something so terrifyingly beautiful all I could do was lay there and gawk at our benefactor of life.
“I really do hate Sand Squirmier. They have minds but no couth and will eat anything. Not because they are hungry but just because they can. All they need is sand.” She said in a musical voice not quite befitting her appearance.
Her scales were the blue of ice at sunset and her breast was coated in blue sapphire gems. He eyes were that blue that is nearly black though her pupils were the colour of molten lava. And her wings were silver beneath and sky blue on top. Her talons were like finely honed sabers and her fangs gleamed white and came to a point as sharp as the sharpest sewing needle.
But as I stared she transformed in the most demure looking lady clad in calico and the only thing blue about her was the necklace of sapphires about her neck.
“Sometimes what you wish for does not come in a way you intended.” She said as she reached out her delicate hand to help me up.
“I wished for help but had no concept of how it would come. I simply believed it would because Erf is a magical place and wishes are magical things.” I replied wistfully.
“I am Dezeray, Princess of Sandcastle City.” She introduced herself with a light curtsy.
“Is everyone there a were dragon?” I asked and immediately Mr. Armstrong and Mr. Ruffus cringed.
“Dezeray’s eyes flared for a second then calmed. With an understanding smile she explained. “Using the term were dragon could get you burned to a crisp young man. We are Erfite Changlings. Were dragons are pitch black and despicable creatures worse even than the Sandbeasts.”
“My apologies Princess Dezeray. I am quite new to Erf and…”
“I know and you are quite the phenomenon here because in all the history of Skyfallers you are the first child to fall and children, no matter where they come from are still learning to walk in life.
I forgive you this trespass of errors but now that you know I suggest you never call another changeling a were dragon.”
“I shall not.” I replied.
“Now you can tell me why you are trespassing on our turf in Erf.” The Princess asked officially.
“We travel in search of the Skyfaller King.” I answered cautiously.
“And what do you want of him?”
I cleared my throat and pointedly replied. “To stop him from destroying Erf.”
Princess Dezeray smiled warmly and replied. “A noble quest but none has ever seen this King of Skyfallers, and many believe he is a figment of over imaginings.”
“If that is the case I shall attempt to prove it. Then I will search for whoever it is that is ruining this perfect and magical place.” I responded confidently though most adults would have heard it as boastful ranting.
“Then I give you leave to continue your journey across the desert but please, first, come visit Sandcastle City.” The Princess granted and invited.
“We would be most delighted.” I accepted in my most adult imitation, adding a slight bow from the waist.
The Princess transformed once again into her dragon form only this time she was much larger, large enough to pick all three of ‘us’ up in her talons and soar easily into the sky. It was really quite amazing to be flying over the vast spread of the desert. From such heights we could see Sandcastle City away to the east and in the north there rose another structure and I knew it in my heart to be the fortress of The Queen Sandwitch.
I tried to talk to Mr. Armstrong, but the wind howled, drowning out my voice. I decided my thoughts could wait and settled with marveling at the wonders and magic of Erf.
Reality is a relative thing. As I look back on my adventures in Erf and the world of accepted reality I am convinced that perception is the core of reality and perceptions change constantly, sometimes very quickly and sometimes as slow as molasses in winter. Take for example the reality of flat earth verses spherical earth or polytheisms and monotheisms, and then there is the ever titillating ponderings of extra-terrestrial intelligence which is the extreme of reality being relative to perception.
I remember pondering, as I soared above the desert of Erf clutched gently in the razor sharp talons of a Princess dragon, “Which is the true reality, here or setting pins in a bowling alley?” My young mind could perceive no explanation for the pondering, so I set it aside and enjoyed the ride, real or imagined.
We circled high above Sandcastle City for several minutes then began a slow spiral descent. I watched the city grow and stretch to great distances in every direction. I was amazed that a wall at least 3 metres in height surrounded the entire city and guess its circumference had to be a hundred miles. I learned later that my guess fell way short of its true length.
Inside the wall were dozens and dozens of streets avenues causeways byways and alley ways all lined with buildings ranging in size from small huts to medium sized bungalow, manor apartment that stood 10 stories high, castles and palaces and finally, directly in the middle a castle/palace/fortress. And it was all made of desert sand bound together with fired sand. This latter information I achieved later on but now seems like the best time to report it.
Princess Dezeray was not the only dragon returning to the city and several were departing. The streets were teeming with people, all very human in appearance but not human and I believe it would have been an insult to call them human since Skyfallers were human and no one in Erf was particularly fond of Skyfallers. The only thing that saved my bacon was the fact that I was the only Skyfaller child anyone in Erf had ever seen. It also helped I think that I was not insisting on being self-important and demanding to be referred to as Lord Donald.
We settled down in a wide landing circle designed for such comings and goings. Dragon Landing pads one might call them.
The landing pad was part of the huge court yard of the central Palace, home to the King, Queen and royal children of Sandcastle City, not to mention an enormous counting of relatives, and members of the service quarter.
Princess Dezeray returned to the girl form and in that moment I realized though she was older than I she was not that much older. For reasons I cannot explain, I could see her youth dancing in her eyes and in the soft tones of her voice. Something else happened in that moment that my young mind and heart had a little difficulty understanding. But I will leave that until the notion actually blossomed sometime later,
Chapter Eight
Needless to say, I had never met royalty before though I had learned some version of what the term means in school. I realize in my senior years that what was taught by teachers then was only a smattering of the real version. I have to admit I was excited especially since this Queen was also a dragon, for real. I just hoped that she would not ask how Skyfallers treated dragons in our world. I decided that if the subject came up I would stretch the truth and explain that Dragons were only fairytale creatures told of in the ancient past. It was probably Skyfallers who visited Erf and returned home that made them up.
At the age of eleven I half believed that there might have been dragons and a lot of other fairytale creatures in our world, ones who fell through a portal into our world.
We climbed the long stairs to the huge double oak doors entering the palace. I was absolutely amazed that they opened without a single squeak, creak or snap and there seemed to be no one pushing or pulling on them.
Two guards off to the side kept a watchful and suspicious eye on us as we crossed the threshold into the grand entrance hall which was a thing of fairytales itself. Inside, exactly in the middle of the hall was a great tree at least fifty feet high with a trunk something near 4 feet in diameter. In the branches were birds of a nature I had never seen or even heard about and they were noisy, chattering away in spoken words, or should I say songs. The noise was not ear shattering but a little too loud to keep up a conversation until Dezeray cooed and they fell silent.
The tree was a kind beyond my ken as well but if compared I would have called it a purple oak with pink, blue and orange leaves.
Directly ahead was another huge door, this time a single leaf but no less spectacular in its carvings, which was a scene of a blue dragon circling the Palace.
“Come now Donald. The Queen awaits your arrival. She has many questions to ask of a Boy Skyfaller.” Dezeray instructed as she led the way into the audience hall.
As we stepped over the threshold I was awe struck by the plainness and simplicity of it. Even the throne was but a chair one might find in any dining room, mere wood with arms. It was slightly elevated but only enough so that the Queen sat higher than her visitor.
As for the queen, I was taken aback by two things. One, she looked exactly like Dezeray only an older version. Secondly she wore no crown and was clad in a simple blue dress with no adornments. If I had seen her on the street I would not have recognized anything royal about her.
Two guards stepped out of the shadow of the entrance and blocked any further approach of Mr. Armstrong and Mr. Ruffus. I halted and glanced back then returned my gaze toward the Queen, whom by the way was also named Dezeray.
I said flatly. “Where I go so too go my companions. Otherwise I shall retreat and leave this place.”
I saw Mr. Armstrong and Mr. Ruffus cringe, but the Queen smiled and nodded to the guards.
“I was warned the boy Skyfaller was not a diplomat and leaned toward truth and loyalty.” said the Queen.
“The truth is your Majesty; I just don’t like being push around by bullies.” I replied.
“You think me a bully?”
“Not yet. I am just making sure you don’t start off that way.”
The Queen laughed out loud and heartily in a tone full of mirth. Apparently she was pleased with my defiance.
“I am glad you are amused Queen Dezeray, but I really am a little pressed for time. I feel an urgency to find the Skyfaller King. So, if we could get on with this interview I would be forever grateful.”
“Donald. Don’t push too hard.” I heard Mr. Armstrong whisper a warning.
“Very well Boy Skyfaller. How long do you plan intruding in my desert?” Her tone went hard.
“Only long enough to get to the other side, unless of course I find the Skyfaller King hiding out somewhere among your dunes.” My tone matched the Queen’s.
“Mother. Donald. This is getting us nowhere. I wanted you to meet in friendship not too find a reason to be adversaries.” Princess Dezeray intervened.
“You are right. Princess.” I responded and the Queen agreed with a nod.
“I hope you will remain with us long enough to have a meal and rest.” She invited.
“We would be delighted and grateful Queen Dezeray.” Mr. Ruffus interjected.
The Queen’s brightened and a smile arched her frowning lips. “Oh my. How sorry I am I did not recognize you Mr. Ruffus, but the last we met was when I was yet a Princess, forever ago.”
“You are still a Princess to me.” Mr. Ruffus replied and from then on the mood was as bright and clear as a summer’s day.
It was to my greatest surprise when I witnessed something utterly awesome. Mr. Ruffus shimmered then standing in his place was a man of middle age.
“You are a changeling too.” I blurted out.
Mr. Ruffus smiled tolerantly. “You really are a kid aren’t you, completely oblivious to the obvious.”
“Now Ruffus. Be nice, just like you always told me.” Said the Queen.
Mr. Ruffus smiled and fixed a warm gaze on me. “I did not mean to be sharp but that is the nature of my kind. We started as friend and we shall remain friends, but I will tell you now, this is as far as I go. I have come home at last.” He announced then went to the Queen’s side. “The Skyfaller Boy has broken the witches spell. I am a Dragon Lord again.”
“And you are Princess Dezeray’s Father.” I spouted in amazement.
“Sire would be most accurate.” Ruffus replied. “I am King Darkuz and I am grateful to you Donald.”
Things can indeed change on a dime when you are not looking, or, even when you are. Whoda thunk it that wolfie Ruffus was really a great blue dragon and a king to boot. I never even considered something like that, and he never once alluded to it, but the truth quickly made me realize my company was now reduced to a kid and an old man. That was a problem in that, though the Blue Dragon Changelings were amiable toward us, the Sandwitches were not likely to be and as far as I could tell there was no getting around their territory.
To make matters a little worse. The Sandwitches or were dragons and The Blue Dragons were currently in the middle of a non-aggression pact, which in all likely-hood my presence was about to end though neither the King nor Queen alluded to the fact. There are just some things kids understand.
Chapter Nine
The longer one remains in Erf the more about it gets confusing while at the same time it becomes more understandable. Such as. One minute I was standing before the king and queen of Sandcastle city in their audience chamber. Mr. Armstrong was with me. The next minute I was alone standing atop the summit of an enormous dune looking across the vast expanse of the desert and in the distance I could see two dragons charging at one another. One was blue and one was black. The black dragon was breathing a blackish orange flame and the blue dragon’s flame was blue with tendrils of white.
Though they seemed to be aggressing toward one another there seemed to be no anger or animosity. In fact, the more I watched the more it seemed that they were dancing, a strange kind of winged waltz.
I guess my eyes had been closed because they popped open and the desert and dancing dragons vanished, and I found myself alone in the audience room. It took me several seconds to collect myself then I was able to navigate my way to the exit.
There was a profound silence all about me and it remained as I stepped from the audience hall back into the entrance hall. The silence was dense, and I felt as alone there as I had standing atop the dune in the desert and I was alone. As I scanned the hall I saw no one.
I made my way quickly to the great doors that still stood open. Standing on the landing looking out on the court yard and cobble-way there was emptiness. No people, nor vehicles, no animals, just me, the silence broken only by a whisper of a breeze.
Above the thunder crashed though, the sky was clear.
I descended the steps to the cobble-way and started for the great gate that take me back to the city streets but half way there Mr. Armstrong appeared out of thin air and told me too remain within the castle walls. When I opened my mouth to argue with him he put a finger to his lips as a warning to be quiet then motioned for me to stand still. Seconds later the people, animals, vehicles, Mr. Armstrong and Princess Dezeray returned and we all once again standing in the audience hall, though now the King and Queen had departed.
“Can someone explain what just happened?” I asked a little dysfunctionally.
“What do you mean?” Mr. Armstrong replied.
I tried to explain but could make it sensible. Mr. Armstrong rescued me.
“Ah, a glitch. It happens to us all, all us Skyfallers I mean. I wouldn’t concern myself over it.” He advised.
“Maybe, but I think I was being warned of something.” Then I told them about the dancing dragons.
Princess Dezeray fixed her eyes on me. Her mouth was open in an awe inspired gape. “That is horrible.” She cried out. They could not have been dancing. Wing and flame dancing is a mating ritual and blue and black dragons will never mate.”
“You have witness what may come to be.” A rumbling voice came out of thin air. I recognized it. It was the King of the Skyfallers.
“How would you know?” I queried aggressively. “Why would I believe you, who will not show himself, like a coward with power, hiding behind a shield.”
“I do not hide to hide boy. I hide to watch and wait. I am not here to overrule Erf, but to see that what is to be will be.”
“Then you have no need to hide if you are merely observing. But we know you do more. You give Skyfallers rule over the land and that in itself is wrong.” I challenged. “I will find you and reveal you and your true purpose.” I warned which was met with a deep fell laughter.
“The presence of him faded and when I demanded again that he show himself it was met with silence.
“Mr. Armstrong.” I beckoned, but Mr. Armstrong was gone. “Now where has he vanished to?” I grumbled. Princess Dezeray grinned. “Sometimes you really are thick Donald.” But she would not elaborate and insisted that we go exploring in the city, even though I issued a desire to get on with my search which she insisted could wait. It came out as an order though she tried to make it sound like a request.
“Very well, but where did Mr. Armstrong go?” I demanded.
“Back to his farm. I believe there was an issue there he needed to deal with.” The princess answered then led the way out into the day.
I felt like I was being abandoned but thought as well that maybe I was supposed to be on this journey alone. After all I was the only kid Skyfaller in Erf and everyone else seemed to have already established their place in that weird little society.
Twice more through the day I expressed my wishes to move on in search of The Skyfaller King but Princess Dezeray coerced me into another delay, which was not difficult because, well, eleven year olds’ don’t admit to things like what I was thinking. By the time she ran out of diversions the trumpets sounded sunset and the great gates to the outside were drawn. I was there for the night and realized only when darkness came why Dezeray had worked so hard at delaying me and I was not displeased for her reason.
I had taken lodgings at a livery stable, turning down an invitation to reside the evening at the palace. Dumb. Stubborn. My intention was to slip away with the dawn trumpets and get as far from Sandcastle City as possible as quickly as I could. Though I had become aware that Dezeray was doing all in her power to delay me, successfully as you might note, I did not understand why, at least not until late into the night when my sleep was disturbed by something beautifully awesome but frightening at the same time. Even now, so many decades later in my senior years I remain awe-struck by the memory of that night.
I jumped from my lay of straw and hurried to the main door at the beckon of what I can only describe as explosions. As I stepped out the door my eyes were drawn to the sky and focused on a moon so full and bright and the colour of blue that looked like a hole in the blackness of space where a clear azure summer day sky was shining through.
Hundreds of shooting starts crisscrossed the star filled back ground of night and blue dragons darted like fire flies everywhere, flames spouting from their mighty maws then blinking out. I could do naught be stand there and stare and I am certain a smile was stretching my lips to their limit.
This grand display continued until the sounding of the Trumpets of Dawn. Then it all vanished, the show, the stable and the city around me and I found myself standing in the full brightness of the desert sun, alone, with only the clothes on my back. It was a very deadly position to find one’s self if you know anything at all about deserts, not to mention the Erf Desert Worms.
To say I was startled would be a gross understatement, but there was one more thing to cause me distraction. Agat the lioness appeared at the summit of a dune near enough that I recognized her at first sight.
Chapter Ten
Agat descended the slope of the dune skidding on the sand like a snow boarder. I began the climb down to meet her but was only half way when we met.
“Donald Harry Roberts. I am here to guide and protect you. Mr. Armstrong will no longer be able to help you. It seems he has up-fallen back to his own world.”
“Then it is possible to go back?” I queried.
“It is possible to be taken back.” Agat corrected.
I got it. Nothing I could do would find me my way home. That was up to someone or something else.
I shrugged my shoulders and said wistfully. “I guess all I can do is keep up my search for the Skyfaller King.”
“I believe it is your lot to do so. You have leave to wander anywhere and everywhere in Erf because you have pledged to find him and the Erfites are pleased with you.”
I studied Agat while she scanned desert and took the hot air into her nostrils, reading the messages drifting with the ever so slight breeze. It did not seem she noticed me staring but suddenly she turned those amber eyes on me and offered up a catish smile. When she spoke, I realized she was capable of reaching into my thoughts. She said simply. “Thank You boy Skyfaller.”
It was a moment short lived because just then, out of the distance a blacker than black shape etched the azure sky. I suddenly felt completely vulnerable for I recognized the shape and that the Sandwitches were aware of my presence.
“Do not fear so Donald. The Sandwitches are not the evil that the Blue Dragon people claim.”
“Why would they say that then?” I asked suspiciously. I was beginning to realize that Erf was a twisted place, and everything had two or even three sides to it. In that moment I really wanted to go home, back to my bowling alley and catching head pins out of the air. Unfortunately, I was stuck in Erf and had to sort things out in a way that my young mind could understand.
The black dragon circled down and lit upon the hip of the dune fifty feet from where we stood. The black dragons were almost twice the size of their blue counter parts.
As its claws sank into the sand a sand devil erupted, twisted violently for a few seconds then settle, leaving a figure clad in a sand coloured robe. She had alabaster skin and her eyes and hair were as black as black can be though her hair had streaks of midnight blue growing from her temples.
The Sandwitch approached the two keeping her eyes mostly on Agat, but when she was sure there was no danger emanating from the Lioness she turned her attention on me.
“Welcome Donald Harry Roberts. Skyfaller Boy.” She greeted in a kindly tone. “I hope the blues have not completely turned you against us.”
“I am learning to take things as they come and not come to any final conclusions. It seems in Erf nothing stays the way it is when first encountered.” I replied then inquired. “Are you preparing for war with Sandcastle City?”
“We are attempting to dispel our differences. They have endured long enough, but the Blues still hold a grudge for an accident that occurred long ago. One we have apologized for many times, to no avail.”
“Dare I ask?” I replied.
We opened a portal to the Skyfallers world, your world. Then we sent Sandwitches and Blues as well as members from other dragon orders to explore. Something happened that closed the portal so that our people could not return. Only Skyfallers could come through. All the dragons we sent to the Skyfaller world were slaughtered. The other dragon orders have never forgiven us. We have become the pariah of Erf.”
“It sounds to me like you may be stuck there unless the others can find forgiveness in their hearts.” I replied.
“If it has not come by now it likely never will Brayella.” Agat suggested.
“So, what happens now?” I asked. “I am supposed to be trying to find this Skyfaller King but every time I start off something takes me in another direction.”
I asked the question but like so many other times in my short life no one had an answer and once again I had to decide for myself with only the guidance of my young wisdom. After contemplating the matter for a few minutes, I said. “Why should I care who or where the Skyfaller King is. I did not come here by choice. I came by accident or maybe I was drafted. Who knows? However, my point is I am here, and it appears I have no convenient way back so I must just go forward. Going forward may or may not include a visit to the Sandwitch’s fortress but I am going there anyway because I need supplies to go forward.”
Agat stared at me approvingly. I do not know why it made me feel good and I suppose it does not matter. That it did is what was important at that moment. “It might help to have a companion I can count on.”
Then something incredibly simple struck me. The position in Erf the Skyfaller King had assigned me to. “If I go to the Carnival I may find clues to where the King is.” I said aloud.
“The Carnival is a dangerous place Donald Harry Roberts. Many who have visited there have vanished.” Brayella warned.
“Who?”
“Everyone, Erfites and Skyfallers.”
“And then it might be where we, I might find the Skyfaller King. After I visit the fortress I shall make my way to the Carnival. After all, it was given to me by the King.”
My words were tough and decisive but inside I was not so confident. The King had discarded me when I turned him down to be Lord Donald Over The Carnival and I suspected there was already someone more liking to the idea in my place.
“I will travel with you to Carnival.” Agat offered.
Not that I was going to refuse the offer. I had already learned travelling in Erf alone had its draw-backs, but I also discovered companions tend to get diverted to other paths. So far everyone I had travelled with had gone off or was transformed. I nodded to accept her offer but put only small stock in it.
“Let’s visit the fortress first and see what happens.” I replied.
I would like to tell you I spent a few quiet days at Sandwitch fortress but something far more horrendous and amazing happened. I guess I should have seen it coming since I had in fact been given a fore vision that I had pushed out as a dream-mare.
I had enjoyed a fine meal of desert oasis fruits and fish and was taking in the evening looking out over the dunes watching the sun set. As far in the distance as I could see, shading my eyes from the last rays of the setting sun I spied a shadow that grew and grew until I could see that the shadow was a Camp of Blue Dragons. A rush of alarm and fear raised the hair on my neck and arms, and I cried out.
A great crowd of black dragons rose into the air and advanced to engage the enemy. As they drew closer together I was waiting for the battle to erupt. I could hear the thunder of wings and my eyes beheld streams of dragon fire ripping across the sky. To say it was spectacular to witness was an understatement, but it also served as a prelude to devastation. Then it all stopped and the dragons, black to my right and blue to my left formed lines as though they were spectators sitting on bleachers.
When I looked about I saw the Blues Sandcastle rising out of the dunes and from the castle came the king and queen and Princess Dezeray. And from the fortress came the king and queen of the fortress with their offspring, the prince, who I had yet to meet and actually never did.
The in the space between the black and blue dragon spectators the kings and queens, prince and princess met. For a time that seem to be an eternity they hovered there, a hundred feet above the desert turning the now, night sky into a blaze of red, orange, blue and green streams of fire.
Agat said in a voice I did not expect. Joy. “And thus, the great war begins.”
Chapter Eleven
We all have our version of what is what, truths, lies, fantasies, realities and so it is much the same in Erf. I expected to witness my version of war. Instead I stood there watching as blue and black dragons began a dance that ranged in style between a minuet and circle dancing likened to the ritual dances of the native people of Africa while lighting up the sky with brilliant streams of fire. Then they formed a greater circle within which the princess and prince faced off as if to fight but instead of fighting they intertwined in a dance that no human could ever imagine accomplishing while casting brilliant flames of every colour one might find in the entire colour spectrum.
“I do not understand. This is not war. It appears more like a mating ritual.” I exclaimed. “So, I suppose mating rituals are more like wars.”
“Skyfallers are very closed in their ability to interpret ideas and cultures. I have noticed this many times. All dragons are changelings and all changelings are Sandwitches and among Sandwitches there is a sacred law which Skyfallers cannot fathom. No Sandwitch shall ever slay another, even if they differ.”
As Agat spoke there came from all directions countless crowds of dragons, green, red, purple, white, and the colour array simply went on endlessly. I could do nothing but stare in awe and joy for joy is what this version of war was all about.
“You are the only child Skyfaller ever to visit Erf and you are the only Skyfaller ever to witness the war of the dragons.” Agat announced.
“Are all Dragons changelings and witches?”
“They are in Erf. Mountain Witches, Sea Witches, Meadow witches, Forest Witches, all and they all have their own cultures, and each has two colours of dragons and if you watch they all have a prince and princess. Watch the sky Boy Skyfaller.”
I could not count the couples of princesses and princes. I can only say, the sky within the great war circle was filled with intertwining dragons, as mates and en masse and the thunder of their wings sounded to me like thousands of bowlers executing a perfect strike all at once.
And fade to black. They were gone. Not a dragon or witch of any culture was to be seen. No desert, just an endless black sky sparkling with stars, constellations I recognized and one that stood out above all the others Draco, which Agat pointed out.
I know, you don’t understand what just happened and how it fit into this story. Well neither did I at the time and it was some time before I did and when the story comes to its fullness you shall understand as well, but until then the story must maintain its momentum or fade into some version of oblivion.
I was standing in the sky, gazing at the star-field as though I was within a holograph in the very centre of the galaxy looking out and the galaxy was turning, or maybe it was I who was turning, but what does that matter? What truly mattered is the spectacular vision I was witnessing, watching the constellations chase, or follow one another in a great and grand circle. It was such a sight that no Skyfaller world illusion could even come close to recreating, at least not in the days of my youth.
“Are the dragons gone from Erf?” I asked.
“No Boy. Erf needs all its creatures to exist.” Agat answered.
“Except Skyfallers. We are the intruders.” I noted but Agat did not reply, “She too had vanished, and I was alone in the star-scape, alone and adrift much like I had always been in my youth.
Once again I was falling, I suppose because that is what Skyfallers do. On this occasion however I was descending through the star scape at such a velocity that the stars and constellations were streaking by like points of light swirling and twirling in the darkest of rooms. Oddly, though I was falling I felt weightless in such a way that I believed I should be floating. I suppose the conflict of weightlessness and falling was the reason I felt nauseous. My mind went into a swirl and my sense of anything emptied into a black expanse that also seemed to be swallowing the stars. And then.
An Unexpected Interlude
There is a place between the world of imagination and reality that I have come to know as The Great Sea of Illusion that is ever and always caught in the midst of a storm so intense no mind can linger there long without breaking. I fear that many get lost in that sea and human kind, those that claim to know and understand give the state of being lost in that sea many names. The truth is, these scholars have no idea, unless of course they themselves have gone a drift upon the sea and have been tossed mercilessly by the storm.
***
My eyes opened but I was not anywhere I could fathom in my groggy mind. The dark was not quite dark, and the light was not quite light and black and grey seemed to swirl together like a colourless marble pudding.
Then ever so slowly things coagulated into a discernible image, a still shot at first then gradually gain motion, slow at first but gaining momentum as I began to recognize what I was seeing.
I saw myself in a hospital bed, asleep, with tubes in my arms. I was alone, as I usually was when not working or in class.
My eyelids were fluttering. Every other part of my body was still. I decided not to stick around and watch myself sleep so I let myself drift straight through a closed window.
“Hey. I am a ghost.” I said. I did not know about astral projection or any other transcendental hokum pokum at that age.
Outside I knew where I was. At the hospital. So, I floated down town all the way to my work place. It was shut down with a note on the door. “Closed until further notice.”
Then I headed home. No one was there so I went to the school and no one was there either. For that matter, no matter where I went the only person I saw was myself, unconscious in a hospital bed.
Where or when or whatever I was I didn’t like it one little bit and it made things even worse when I couldn’t escape. I couldn’t get back to Erf and there seemed no place to go forward or any other direction. I only felt one thing. I felt like I was going to barf, but that wouldn’t quite work either.
I could not walk. All I could do was swim through the air.
I had no Idea why I was unconscious in a hospital bed. That information did not come to me until a lot later.
Needless to say, I was lost, drifting aimlessly from the bowling alley to the hospital then home. Around and around I went until it got dark out, suddenly. There was no sunset. It was like someone turned the lights out.
It was black, as black as black as I could ever have imagined, until the sparks came, millions of sparks in colours I did not even know existed. They came in circles, arcs and straight shooting lines and all the while my head hurt, like no hurt I had ever know before, even when I fell and broke my arm when I was six.
It was horrible, just crazy horrible and I could not get away. I just floated afraid to move in case I crashed into something in the blackest black I was imprisoned in.
I tried to talk and even though my lips formed the words I could not hear my voice. I tried screaming and all that did was hurt my throat and believe it or not I was happy because it was something else to feel besides feeling like I was going to barf.
I don’t know how much time passed but the light blinked on. I was in the hospital room again and my body was still there, but I was laying on my side now and I was not alone. Mr. Armstrong was there. And that really confused the crap out of me.
He was sitting on the side of my bead, brushing his finger over my head. He was saying something, but I could not hear him. The look on his face was sad and he looked older than I remember.
Then the room door opened, and a nurse entered followed by my parents, both of whom looked at me as if I had done something wrong, which was not unusual.
A minute later the door opened again and the man I knew as Dr. Beecrof came in. He started talking and this time I could hear, but the words were all a jumble.
My eyes popped open. I was standing at the archway gate of a carnival.
The Carnival Of Erf
Chapter One
I fell from The Great Sea of Illusion flat on my face in a patch of thick, dark brown mud right back in Erf. I didn’t know how I felt, only that at 11 years of age I was not going to cry. No 11 year old never cries…. ever…. especially me…. ever.
I cried. I did not want to be in Erf. Erf was a ridiculous stupid place that made absolutely no sense and besides that I wanted to get back to my job in the bowling alley.
Then I quit crying, muddied from head to foot and looked across a wide green field. There I saw an archway with flashing lights designed into letters that read, The Carnival Of Erf.
And then I smiled because beyond the arched gate I saw Ferris wheels, several of different sizes, and Roller Coasters or one Roller Coaster. I couldn’t tell from there.
Then I regretted turning down the offer to become Lord of The Carnival and began to wonder if I could make that decision change. But later, as you will discover I discovered that though the surface was pretty amazing the under-dark of the Carnival of Erf was horrific.
I approached the gate and the ticket wicket but the girl selling tickets said. “Oh. It’s a Skyfaller. You get in free. I should have known there and then I was in for ride straight out of the Carnival Of horrors. I said thanks and crossed the threshold and even as my first step touched the ground I felt the icy chill of evil course up my leg into my heart.
Now I said there was a girl at the ticket wicket but that was not quite what I meant. Yes, it was a girl but not a human girl. She was a gargoyle girl, and quite pretty for a gargoyle though in our world she would have been considered monsterish. Anyway, in her own way I thought she was pretty, and I told her so and that proved to be a boon later on, when I needed a boon desperately.
In the meantime, I began wandering about the carnival and found all sorts of amazing entertainment found in any carnival but in Erf it was real, like the bearded lady and the half man half goat and the kid with two heads…all as real as I was in that very unreal but too real world.
All I really wanted to do is walk through to the exit at the other end and go home but that did not happen.
I wasn’t there for more than a half hour when things got dicey. The man on stilts was not on stilts. His legs were actually eight feet long and he was not a nice person. He liked kicking things; people included because he could do it very well and kick them dozens of feet. Then when they crashed into something he laughed. What grabbed me was that his legs were still made of wood and ended in huge clown feet.
And speaking of clowns, they were everywhere and there were so many it was like they were a community. I must add as well that their faces were not made up. At the Carnival of Erf, clowns are real people, not real people made up to look like clowns. Some were funny, some were sad, and some were downright scary.
As you may have guessed, humans here are seldom referred to as humans. Rather, they are called Skyfallers and are far and few between, but they/we have an enormous impact on Erf and apparently are slowly taking over control, orchestrated by some idiot who has dubbed himself the King of The Sky fallers and Erf, though he has yet to claim much of this weird and wondrous land. And for those who are not on top of things I am looking for him…so that I can, hopefully stop this insanity and let Erf be Erf, whatever Erf is without Skyfallers.
But I was not there by my own free will. I think I was drafted, but even today, decades later by who I do not know.
The air was full of music, Screamers I believe they were once called, various types of marching music played really loud through horn speakers mounted on posts above the crowd.
Everyone was looking at me as though I was a side show freak, which, since they would have oddities among humanity in our world, such as the likes found in lore and mythology I was a rare entity in their world. Gargoyles seem to dominate the walkways among the kiosks and rides, but only by a small margin.
It was night when I arrived, and it was always night at the Carnival of Erf. And the Candy floss was blood red, and the popcorn was orange and black and brown.
I played one of ring toss games and won. The Satyr Carnie scowled and gave me a stuffed gorilla too big to carry so I gave it back and an elephant sprayed me with water. A Clown with an enormous green nose and dumbo ears grabbed my hand and dragged me off to see the sword swallower and the rubber man who could tie himself in knots and was actually made of rubber.
My mind was reeling with something I do not have a word for, not even now as an old man reminiscing.
And the rancorous music, that tinny sound coming through bull horn speakers got louder
Then a voice came crashing out. “Welcome to the Carnival of Erf Donald. Are you ready for the ride of your life?” The greeting was followed by a maniacal bout of laughter, not one voice but a chorus of them all filled with fire and evil. I could not determine if they were male, female beast or man. Just horrendously loud and blood curdling.
A fire eater that was my own 11 year old height and was shaped like a red ant blew an orange, blue and green flame between its mandibles straight across my path. I had to jump back to avoid getting burned and maybe would have if the elephant had not sprayed the ant with water knocking out its flame and sending it rolling across the gravel floor of the carnival grounds.
Chapter Two
The Elephant winked then turned and trundled away. I smiled though I wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because I just learned that elephants really are smart, at least smarter than we Skyfallers give them credit for.
The Ant got to its feet and glared at me then said…in a mind imagining way, “I would not have hit you. The consequences for harming a Skyfaller are deadly. I was just playing and tickling your excitement rib.”
I sensed his fear and replied, in words and thoughts, “Relax. I get it.” The Ant bowed and backed away. I turned just in time to see the Rubber Man, who was really made of rubber, tie himself into a nice little bow then he twitched and it all came apart and he wobbled away on his rubber legs.
Suddenly a chorus of trumpeters filled the air with a noise as far from music as ice is from fire. I covered my ears until it quit. Then, hopping along, and dressed up like a three ring circus MC a Kangaroo came, yelling into a megaphone three feet long with a bell on it a foot and a half wide. “Make way. Make way. Hambones, Lord of The Carnival this way cometh. Lord Hambones this way cometh.”
I could hardly believe my ears. I only knew of one person in the whole world named Hambones and that was only a nick name the kids in my school gave him. But there he was riding in a huge gilded carriage a king would have envied, drawn by four magnificent golden horses with mains as white as snow and trappings of rich black leather and gold.
He reminded me of the comical version of Humpty Dumpty, and I could not stop myself from laughing, almost hysterically, though at eleven years of age, hysterical was not a concept I understood, but tears came to my eyes and that I did understand. I also understood the nasty looks I got from people close by for laughing at him. Apparently he was not very nice to the Carnival People and they were afraid my laughing would set him in a particularly worse mood than usual.
The carriage stopped gently in front of a podium made completely of silver except for a carpeted area for the speaker to stand and carpeting, red of course covering the steps climbing up to the platform.
Lord Hambones wore the same drab grey suite in Erf as he did in the class room back in Skyfaller land. And worse, he was carrying that fiddle that he managed to scratch out some ear shattering nerve grating notes on.
Lord Hambones climbed the steps and positioned himself in front of a microphone which was attached to a PA system which was powered by a generator powered by two cyclist pedaling like mad turning a small generator motor. The peddlers were cry clowns with big green hair and their costumes were purple, orange and lime green striped pajamas. They’re faces were not painted. They were real and I thought I saw tears dripping from their chins.
“This is tragic.” I heard the words rush in a whisper past my lips and understood in that moment why I was back in Erf.
Hambones, I am dropping the lord and Mr. crap from his identity, chinned his fiddle and started scratching the strings with the bow. I have never seen in all my life since my days in Erf any one cringe like everyone within ear shot of that noise did. But everyone listened obediently without uttering a single complaint. So, I took on the task myself and Yell. “Stop that infernal racket.” But Hambones just kept playing so I scooped up a handful of what might have been mud and something else that smelled terrible and flung it at Hambones and yelled again. “Stop that infernal racket.
The mud hit the fiddle dead on, and Hambones jumped straight up in the air with a startled yelp.
“Who did this blasphemous thing?” He blared angrily.
I wave my hands so he could pick me out in the laughing crowd. “It was me Old Hambones.” I answered with a laugh. “When will you get it that you can’t play that thing worth beans no matter where you are. And who let you into Erf anyway?”
Hambones stopped playing and glared down at me, a glare I knew well but here he did not recognize me.
“It is Lord Hambones Brat. I am Lord of The Carnival and I was invited by the King since some welp of a boy turned down the position. And who are you to criticize my fiddle playing. I could have you strapped for that.”
Everyone was watching us and were waiting for my response.
“I am a friend of Erf and refused to be part of the Kings stupid take over. This is not our world and we have no right to intrude on these people’s good nature.”
“Good nature. Have you not looked Brat. Most of them are not even human. They are monsters and caricatures. They need us to keep order.” Yelled Hambones and then he began scratching at his fiddle again.
My ears started to ache, and the carnival people began to wail. This time I picked up a stone and threw it. It smashed into the fiddle breaking two strings and putting a crack in the sound board. Lord Hambones screamed like a banshee and cursed me seven ways to hell. But he stopped playing and called to his trumpeters to sound the alarm.
“We have an intruder trying to harm the order of The Carnival Of Erf by bringing disobedience and chaos. Arrest him. The Brat stands here before me. Take him to the lions cages and lock him in.”
Suddenly I was surrounded by pawns with legs and arms and faces carrying pikes, eight white and eight black all charging at me screeching ferociously.
Behind them came the rooks and knights and bishops while the Kings and Queens held back behind the lines.
I was trapped and it seemed like my time in The Carnival Of Erf was going to become the Carnival of Horror.
Chapter Three
Hambones began playing his fiddle, I suspect to add something horrifying to siege bearing down on me. But something else completely different happened. Suddenly everyone began cringing and crying out in agony which Hambones took as cheers and he started to dance about like a fool as he played and did not notice his army of chess men were falling head over heels to the ground and rolling about madly. I could not stop myself from laughing even though some were glaring at me for displaying such disrespect for their Lord and Master, but they were too busy cringing over the screams and squawks blasting from Hambones fiddle.
Suddenly he tumbled over the rail of the podium and crashed to the ground, still playing his fiddle madly. Only when he hit the ground did he stop, staring up into the sky, dazed. But even as I thought he was going to have some kind of revelation he jumped to his feet and cried out in a rage. “Who did that? Who tripped me?”
I had seen old Hambones angry before, so angry in fact that he thumped me on top of the head nearly knocking me out, but this was different. This was an insanity grinding into his mind.
“Whoever it was will pay dearly. I promise. Yes, I promise. Now some one take me home. I need to go home and decide the fate of this foolish Carnival and everyone in it.” He bellowed wildly while six gargoyles picked him up and carried him to his coach, of course while he scratched on his fiddle.
The elephant came by and said in his deep trumpeting voice. “I think he meant it this time. I have never seen Lord Hambones so agitated. I fear he will bring down something horrible on the Carnival.”
“Not while I am here.” I heard myself say in a voice that only came out when I was afraid or angry, which with me are closely related. I am seldom one without the other.
“Where does Hambones live?” I asked the Elephant.
“Up yonder.” He waved in northerly direction with his trunk. “But no one knows exactly where, and you cannot leave the Carnival by the back gate. Only he can do that. Once someone enters this place they can never leave. And, I might add, no one knows where the back gate is anyway, though many have searched for it. The Carnival seems to go on forever and in a circle it seems because you can walk for days and always you end up at the front gate.
“Why has no one ever just followed him?” I asked innocently.
“Because no one dares to defy Lord Hambones.” A new voice entered the conversation.
I turned to look see who it was and once again and not for the last time I was gripped by a state of utter awe.
“I am called Roxie.”
“The dog faced girl, for real.” I interrupted.
“And proud of who I am I will tell you.”
Not only did she have a dog’s face, but she had a tail and the hind end of a dog but the rest of her was a girl of my own age I guessed.
“Well Roxie. I intend to follow him, and it would be nice to have a companion if you are not a scardy cat.”
“I am not a cat of any kind and yes I will go with you. Lord Hambones needs to be taught that he cannot treat people the way he does.
We were just about leave when the chess soldiers came at me again. This time there was nothing to stop them though Roxie did try to protect me. Instead we were caught, bound by the wrists and dragged off. It was probably one the most frightening moments of my life in Erf because until the last minute I did not know what they were going to do to us.
I ask you to consider you fortitude before you continue to read this part of my story because in all the history of the house of horror rides peculiar to carnivals the one you are about to experience vicariously through my narrative is the most frightening of all and it was even more so for Roxie and me since we experienced it up close and personally real like.
We were unceremoniously dumped in ride cart that rode on two steel rails and pushed off into through the cave like adit of the house of horrors. Then the motor kicked in and everything became real, including the bats whizzing past out ears.
A strobe light flashed, and something pounced out of the shadows and nearly snatched me up in its fangs but Roxie bit at it viciously and it retreated into is layer.
Snakes slithered by and huge spiders crawled across their webs ready to sting their prey caught in the gossamer silk. Something horrid cackled and suddenly a witch on her broom came down on us like a bird of prey. Her beaked nose and blacken teeth were most frightening at all.: Go home Donald. You are not welcome in the Carnival of Earth. You chose not to become its Lord and Master and only one Skyfaller can remain here. Leave or dark and dastardly things may happen to you.”
As she flew by the third time I grabbed the whisks of her broom and pulled down as hard as I could. With a scream she careened into the wall and I heard no more cackling from her raspy throat.
The car continued rattling along its rails through one door into a vast cavern of wild, red eyed wolves and hyenas then into another with dragons licking the cart with their fiery breath and once I felt the hairs on my arms singe.
In another cavern we watched a battle between a crocodile and a hunter and in yet another we were lost in a sea storm that swept up the car and jostled and tossed us about. We were nearly thrown from the car and maybe would have been had we not exited that chamber and found ourselves at the base of a tower mountain with jagged slopes and a narrow road climbing to the summit where stood an angry, dark looking castle crowned with a ring of blazing red, orange, yellow and blue fire. When I looked back over my shoulder, considering turning around and going back I saw that we had exited the chamber of horrors and were now on foot.
“What have we now?” I asked no one in particular, but Roxie answered.
“Whatever this place is Donald I doubt we will find any comfort or anything nice in it.”
The Carnival Of Erf
The Oracle Of Erf
One
It started raining. The sky flashed with lightning and the air vibrated against the back ground of thunder. Roxie shuddered and said something about having no option but to go forward and gave me a little shove to lead the way. I looked up at the Castle on the mountain top and cringed but took that ever so important first step, which did not make any of the following steps one iota easier.
The path, which coiled up the mountain slope reminded me of polished coal at first and I probably would have slipped and fell except for my runners which served me well as a pin setter and now as an adventurer in a weird world because they gripped any surface like flies feet on a wall. But I did not go far when the path disappeared and was replaced by a rough cut of sharp stones that had razor edges and cut into my fingers if I did not chose my hold wisely. I was bleeding some by the time the path changed again transforming into rough cut steps.
Roxie stood at the base of the steps sniffing the air. After a long minute she fixed her eyes on mine and said in the quietest, most curious voice I have ever heard, “I detect the scent of something I have never smelled before.”
“Is it a good or bad smell?” I asked.
“It is not bad, nor would I say it is good, not even neutral. All I can say is its strong and close.”
I had picked out a number of scents but nothing like the one such as Roxie described.
“I guess all we can do is keep going and stay watchful.” I said then began climbing the stairs. They were quite wide so Roxie moved in beside me. A slow, low growl rushed through her bared fangs.
The stairs curved upward with the mountain slope, gradually at first then became steep, slightly less than climbing a ladder and at points it was necessary to use both hands and feet to keep climbing. Then suddenly we came to a landing that was a porch to the opening of a cave. Roxie told me that whatever the smell was it was coming from within the cave and now I too could smell it. I had smelled it before. Rotten eggs, faint but still undeniably recognizable. I have to admit my interest was piqued. What could make that smell here? I guess I said that out loud because Roxie replied. “I guess we are about to find out and gave me a little push into the cave.
I expected to find darkness, the kind you get in a room with no windows or lights at night. Instead we found a reddish, gold glow bright enough to light our way.
We followed a tunnel for several yards then it opened to a chamber and what we saw was awesome as awesome can be in that frightening corner of awe.
The smell did not lessen but it seemed less infringing on my nose and there was nothing rotting about it. Before us spread a layer filled with the largest eggs I had ever seen and were an opal colour. Most had tiny cracks in them but the creatures inside had not begun to emerge.
Then I looked to the far end of the cavern and all my questions were answered.
Mounted on two pillars carved from what looked like polished coal were two dragons. Not huge but more the size of a Condor. One was green with deep purple wings with a breast plate of rubies. The other was red with black wings and a breast plate of amber. Both had eyes like flaming sapphires with black reptilian pupils.
The green one said in a rumble just above a whisper but as clearly as clear can be. “What or who do we have here?”
Quite unexpectedly Roxie stepped forward. “My Lord Ragarn. Please excuse our intrusion. We came here by chance and had no idea this was your layer. We mean no harm; we seek the Lord of The Carnival to try and stop his rule of horrors.”
“We welcome Roxie the Dog girl but why have you brought a Skyfaller?” Exclaimed Lady Rageen.
“I seek the Skyfaller King to send him back to where he came from.” I spoke up in my own defense.
“Ah. You must be the one named Donald.” Ragarn replied curiously.
“Donald Harry Roberts at your service Lord Ragarn.”
“Well, at least he is more polite than that Hambones creature.” Said Lady Rageen who then did a dragon version of a smile.
“True enough but Skyfallers are Skyfallers and none come here without a dark agenda.” Ragarn added.
“Until me.” I argued.
“What makes you so different?” Asked Lady Rageen.
“I was kidnapped into Erf. Since my arrival I have seen enough to know that we of the Skyfaller world do not and should not be here. It is my intention to make, or at least help make all the Skyfallers go home.”
“But first I must get rid of old Hambones before he brings ruin to the Carnival of Erf. Carnivals are supposed to be fun, magical places, not dark and horrible.” I ranted.
“Those are tall words for a boy.” Ragarn retorted.
“My Lord." I think you are wise, but I suggest you do not underestimate Donald. There is far more to him than one sees on the surface.” Roxie came to my defense.
“We are not in a position to offer any help at this time. Our young are about to hatch, and we will be kept busy.” Rageen announced without tone of apology.
“For now, I ask for none but in the future if tension escalates and I am confronted with the King with war in the mix then maybe then you will come to the aid of Erf.” I replied with a hint of force to suggest I was demanding their participation when the time came.”
“You are indeed a warrior but a diplomat as well. It will be interesting to witness how you deal with the first hurdle of your mission which seems to be getting rid of Lord Hambones.” Said the Dragon Ragarn.
“Indeed.” I replied and added a perfunctory bow. “But first I must move forward and my way forward at this time is up, past you and out that exit.” I pointed to a faint light beyond and between two pillars.
“You may pass but be warned, the way ahead is treacherous.” Said Ragarn.
“It seems my Lord Dragon that no matter where I wander in this land there is treachery afoot so what lies ahead is not only anticipated it is just another challenge.”
“You are one gutsy kid Donald.” Roxie put in over a whisper of a chuckle.
Two
We were in the open again. The storm was still raging. I said with a sigh of half relief and half dismay. “Ragarn seems polite enough for a dragon.”
“He is a marvelous creature but if angered he can be the most ferocious and frightening beast ever created. He absolutely detests Skyfallers but can do nothing to rid Erf of them.” Roxie replied.
The mountain slope steepend as it ascended the summit, now only a few hundred feet away. We began this last curling leg of our climb with vigor. Lightning flashed all around us but never seemed to strike and well that is because we most certainly would have fried if it had.
Within a few steps we were drenched to the skin and my runner squished and squeaked with each step. I was beginning to wonder if any of this was worth it but decided that if the storm were the worst of what we must endure for the last leg of the climb it could be tolerated, but, such was not the case.
I had not noticed from below, so maybe there wasn’t any then, but now the rain turned to snow, and the slope was white with the stuff and the steps became slippery with ice turning our ascent into a disaster waiting to happen. Runners on ice don’t mix well even if the steps are fairly flat and level. Roxie was a little better off having paws with claws to grip on with.
To make matters worse I wasn’t dressed for winter conditions. The cold delved into my bones and my teeth began to chatter.
One thing went ok. Roxie produced a hooded cloak and draped it over my shoulders. It helped immensely and as long as we kept moving the cold could not settle in my bones. Roxie did not seem to mind the cold much though I would not say she liked it.
I kept my head down remembering what old Mr. Armstrong once told me. “If you are going up hill, don’t look up. There are no hills when you are looking down only your feet and the ground under them cause yer feet don’t know up from down.
And it worked though it did no good for my belly because it wasn’t long before I felt famished and it seemed worse since there was no food handy and none to be had in the near future that I knew of. I did have water, which was some small, very small consolation.
And just as I was beginning to think or worry as the case may be that this climb would never end and the cold would persist we came to a plateau, not the summit but a warm green plateau that should not have been there, because above, not fifty feet the stairs gave way to a rough, snow burdened, ragged slope so steep that even a mountain goat might think twice about trying to navigate it. But whether the warm, green sanctuary was supposed to be there or not it was and etched into the rock was an opening from within which grew an orange/yellow light that seemed to dance invitingly.
I felt the cold rushing from my bones and the new warmth easing in. It was like food to my spirit which had begun to starve. Yet Roxie warned me that not all that is pleasing to the eye and body are good things.
In reply I said, “Indeed you are more than right but for the moment the warmth is food to my spirit but that will do no good in the long run if I don’t find food for the body.” It was a statement that caused me to wonder how I managed to let myself get so easily in such a ridiculous position.
For the first time in ages I wished I were back in my simple life of setting pins in the bowling alley wrapped comfortable in my routine life and that much of the maturity that was over-powering me could be washed out with my boy-hood dreams and illusions. “How did I get here?” Exploded in my mind and of course there was no answer. I was in a place, a realm, a world called Erf and was charged with saving it from Skyfallers, which I was one. I wondered if that made me a turn coat on my own kind. But then I believed that we had no right to be there so Skyfallers had to be banished and apparently only a Skyfaller could accomplish that.
I shook off Roxie’s warning and shoved the doubt out of my thoughts and headed for the glowing adit that seemed to be the entrance to a tunnel, or a cave.
Roxie, the dog faced girl pulled me back at the threshold and stepped in front of me. “I came to keep you safe. You are the chosen one to save Erf. It would not do for me to allow you to be harmed before you accomplish your lot.” She said urgently then stepped over the threshold into the orange/yellow light.
At first she stood there in statuesque stillness, in mid stride with her canine jaws gapping open. Something low and urgent escaped her throat though it sounded nothing like fear or warning. Maybe it could be referred to as canine awe.
I tried to push in, but Roxie blocked my way by design or simply just unable to move and clear the path.
“Com’on Roxie. Let me see.” I ordered.
I had no choice but to pick her up and move her aside. I was surprised at how light my companion was. It was like seeing a stone the size of a shoe box and when you lift it was as light as an empty shoebox.
I set her aside and moved through the adit. Immediately my jaw dropped open as my eyes fixed on a sight that for that very instant in time I did not know whether I should scream in terror or…or what. My mind simply could not digest what opened before me and what was there looking back at me not sure if I should scream in terror or…or what.
Three
Stretching before me was the past, like a movie only in 3d. I had stepped back in time to witness the harshness of those first hunter gatherers, but it did not quite fit into what I had been taught in school. Yet here I was watching cave men cutting up their kill, a beastly dinosaur that in the second I had forgotten its name other than big with huge sharp teeth.
I forced my gaze to meet Roxie’s discovering that she too was in awe of the expanse before us, I suppose because she was in part, an animal.
Of course, my sensible self-urged me to turn around and go back the way I came but the adventurer in me dictated that I keep going forward. Besides, I was not going to find old Hambones or the self-proclaimed King of Erf by turning tail and running.
Just in case you have forgotten, I was eleven years of age and though more grown up than most at that age I still had that kid mentality, which actually never left me. I had no fear of dying or anything like that because I figured I was never going to die. But I was well aware I could hurt, since I had broken my arm, a tooth and suffered numerous, very painful gashes in my knees. I knew pain and was not all that interested in experiencing it again.
Nonetheless we moved on, to the left and away from the hunters and their prey. And, for FYI, cavemen don’t have neat hair or anything remotely resembling a hygienic nature. Their hair was matted, and their faces were unshaven, also matted and I could see their finger nails were dirty and broken. The knowledge put my vision of the movie versions of these creatures in a whole new light.
We kept low with our heads below the height of the tall grass. I walked along a quietly as any human can, but Roxie shushed me several times until we came to a shallow brook and crossed it easily disappearing into the cover a forest made up of trees of prehistoric nature. But even though we escaped being detected by the cave men we had not gone un-noticed. There are beasts here, though not huge, very nasty with sharp claws and teeth not so unlike the wolverine and badgers of our own forests.
I was wishing I had something to defend myself with besides my hands and teeth and promptly found a branch just about right for me to use as a club. Roxie picked up another. I found myself wishing I had her canines as well.
We had just come into a clearing when suddenly we were surrounded people who were much more advanced along the evolutionary highway than the cave man and, for the record, pale skin is a rarity. These people were a deep brown skinned folk and fortunately more curious than deadly though they did have their bows trained on us and five approached us with wooden swords and shields. I was amazed to find them not much taller than me.
“Hello.” I greeted and the approaching group stopped in their tracks and stared at me for several seconds.
“Hello.” I repeated and this time one came in closer.
I almost fell over when the fellow said. “Skyfaller.” In a way that he was asking and telling me at the same time.
“Yes. I am a Skyfaller and I am here looking for others like myself.”
“There are many. Young like you.”
“I am Donald.” I introduced myself and nearly went into shock when my host kneeled and said. “He, the savior has come among us at last.” And at that all the other forest people knelt and started chanting, “Donald The Savior has come at last.”
“Wait. Wait. I have come seeking a Skyfaller named Hambones.”
“Hambones the beast. Hambones the beast.” They started chanting something new.
“Do you know where he is?” I queried. The one who seemed to be the leader pointed in a direction that was certain to take us back to the cave men. Which unfortunately made sense.
Suddenly the leader handed me his bow and a quiver of several long thin arrows. Then he gave another to Roxie and finally he offered us both a sword and shield.
I should have felt honoured and like a hero, but the truth be told the whole idea of bearing weapons frightened me and not just a little. For the first time in my life I was having exceptions to the idea of my demise. It suddenly seemed a plausible factor in my adventures in Erf.
“Come. You must see the others like you. They are not as fortunate as Donald, but then none of them are the savior.”
“Have they come to harm?” I asked anxiously.
“No, but yes. You must see them to understand. Kowana will take you there.” He announced tapping his chest.
The forest changed the deeper in we went. It became a jungle with sounds that sent chills up and down my spine. Roxie’s ears twitched constantly, and she sniffed the air turning her head back and forth like a wolf hunting or wary of danger.
At last we came to a city carved into the living rock of a mountain slope. Hundreds of dwellings with stairs reaching up to each one and joining the levels of which there had to be fifty. Each dwelling supported a balcony to which the stairs reached. But we did not go there. As we came to the foot of the mountain Kowana led us to the right along a path that took us into a long narrow canyon.
“You must continue on your own from here.” Kowana announced. Ultla people never return if we go there. I am the only one who ever escaped, and I will not go again.”
It seems to me that no matter who one deals with there is always an element attached to him, her or they that will offer there help but always with great limitations. This was not the first time I was sent forward alone without really knowing what I would find.
I did not like the idea of being abandoned but I thanked Kowana for all he did do for us and he told us when we were finished in the canyon we were welcome to return to their city.
Roxie and I moved into the shadow of the Canyon walls. Never in my life had I experienced such a silence and air as dead as…I have no comparison.
My heart skipped a beat then when suddenly……
Four
I have often wondered throughout my life about people who tell stories about monsters. I wondered if they had encountered them in the same way as I encountered the monster in the canyon, a single beast but with many heads and no head the same as another. I imaged the terror Jason must have felt facing the seven headed dragon, a monster we shared in the head count though only one was a dragon winding about on it long scaly neck.
I wanted to turn back but my focus was on the young Skyfallers that were stranded somewhere in the canyon or someplace beyond. To find and get to them it seemed I had to get past the monster.
I nocked an arrow into my bow and Roxie followed suit. We raised our bows ready to cause an assault on the monster, but something stayed my fingers from letting loose the arrow.
In Erf, magic or sorcery, whatever one wishes to call it is subtle at times; meaning its presence is almost undetectable unless a light hits in a certain way or a slight blur of vision bends the minds perception of what the eyes see. Sometimes what the bio-camera perceives has been masked with a spell of illusion and that is what stayed my fingers.
I caught a glimpse of something through the veil of illusion and lowered my bow, urging Roxie to do the same. Before complying she sniffed the air and in a low quizzical growl said, “I have the scent of Skyfallers in my nostrils that are not you Donald.”
“The monster; It is not as it appears. It is an illusion. There is sorcery being cast here but for what reason I don’t know.” I replied in a manner out of myself. It was as though someone or something had grasped me from inside.
Suddenly Roxie howled and it echoed through the canyon like vanishing voice lost in a dream. But then the monster reared, and all its heads flailed the air like wet leather whips, snapping maws and spitting venom and crying out hateful curses.
The body, some sort of hoofed beast reared up and its taloned hooves clawed angrily at the air. And Roxie howled again and again until the monster worked itself into a senseless frenzy unable to gain control of its madness. I wanted to question Roxie but felt my words would interfere with whatever she was doing.
Instead I cried out in a voice that was only half mine and in it I could sense the wisdom of my old friend and mentor back in Mundania. “Who are you? Why are you clad in this fearful costume? I demand that you show your face.
And it did…or should I say the façade fell away and there stood seven Skyfallers, younger even than myself, no more than five or six years of age. But more so I saw an ancient white hair woman that could not have looked happy if all the joy in the world was placed at her feet.
“Mrs Binkley!” I gasped. She was in the land of Skyfallers a wretched woman with the meanest disposition I have ever experienced.
“Go away brat. This is my canyon. The Skyfaller King has made me Lady of this Realm and mistress over all who enter it.”
“So, it is you who has been kidnapping the Kowana and snatching Skyfaller kids from their homes. and imprisoning them here?”
“No. I have kidnapped no one. They come of their own free will, but they may never leave. They are my servants and my army. The children are only too happy to come here. I offer them their hearts desires and they serve me for the gifts I give them.”
“Not any more they won’t because I have come to free them and to stop Old Hambones and to yank the Skyfaller King from his throne when I find him.”
Mrs. Binkley cackled like the witch she was then started to choke on her own spit, but she recovered quickly, turned and fled deeper into the canyon. “Kill them. Kill them all. Kill the Brats and the intruders.” She screamed viciously, but nothing happened. Instead a great silence came over the canyon.
The children gathered round me. Their eyes filled with hope. “Have you really come to save us?” One asked.
“Yes. You will get to leave the canyon and go back to the Kowana people. They will care for you until I can find a way to get you home. Now run. Run as fast as you can. I will take care of Mrs. Binkley.”
I did not need to tell the kids a second time to run away. They were out of sight in a few seconds and in the other direction I could hear Mrs. Binkley yelling and screaming with such anger I thought she might blow a gasket. But seconds later Roxie and I were faced with another beast, a red dragon with yellow flames bursting from her maw and huge fangs curving downward dripping with blood. It bore the face of Mrs. Binkley.
“What have you done?” I demanded.
Mrs. Binkley did not answer my question. She just roared again, and this time whipped her tail about like a flail and it was then that I saw it was shaped just like the leather strap she used in the class room to punish her students, usually for no reason that would pass as a reason in this time.
Then she turned on us and a flame belched from her maw that nearly fried Roxie, had she not been quick like a fox to perform a back flip into the air and land a half dozen feet out of range.
Unfortunately, that made the old bag even angrier which proved here undoing because even in Erf she was as old as dirt and mad as a hatter.
She spun around and her flame swirled into the air then snuffed out in a puff of smoke. Then with a cry of terror she blinked into her human self and was twirling around in some kind of daze. She began singing though it was more like a frog voice that came out her mouth and at last she faded, faded, faded to a ghostly form and finally disappeared completely. It seemed in that moment the entire canyon sighed a sigh of relief.
I do not recall how long I stood there staring at the empty air where Mrs. Binkley vanished, uncertain if I was happy or just relieved that she was gone. At the same time I experience a sense of sadness or maybe it was pity for the old woman because I half understood now what made her the way she was in the Skyfallers world and she taught me in that moment that Erf, after a fashion was connected to the Skyfallers reality though my young mind was unable to fathom how, only that there was an interaction or inter-junction of the two.
I turned to see what Roxies reaction was, but she was nowhere to be seen and though I searched the canyon for nearly an hour she was nowhere to be found and in that moment I experienced a profound sense of loneliness. And once again as I came to a bend at the end of the canyon the world around me was transformed. Ahead, on a knoll rising out of a wide rich green meadow rose a tower made of gold vein onyx on top of which stood a gem of such amber glistening in the sun that I was awestruck. And my eyes perceived that something was held within the jewel. Not until I drew closer did I fathom the enormity of the gem and recognize its contents.
The Oracle Of Erf
Within The Amber
The closer to the tower I got the more I realized it was not a tower but a three sided obelisk as smooth as glass and no sign of a ladder or windows or even chinks so I could climb to the top. I found myself in need of assistance when none was there to have, not even in the form of advice which always seem to be present before then. It was not a good time for all those I was to help to abandon me, but there was the fact before me. I stood alone to figure out what I was to do next and the task, the more I pondered it, the more it seemed an impossible one. All my imagination was empty.
Hours passed and I noticed something odd. The sun remained in the same place it had been when I arrived, yet the moon, as full as the moon can be, and the stars shone in the dark back ground of space and in the middle of the night sky hung Orion.
I watched as a single ray of sun light and an equally singular moon ray joined touching the amber jewel and in an puff of light it vanished and there stood a boy, no older in looks than myself. He jumped from the height of the obelisk and I started at first but instead of plummeting to his death he floated down gracefully and settled upon the grass gently but by then I was too alarmed to take notice of anything except that I was looking at myself, a mirror image of me. A doppelganger of myself and when I moved it moved as though it could move of its own volition.
I said to myself. “I need this explained.”
I told myself. “Odd. I would have thought by now you understood.”
I said to my doppelganger. “I have been too busy hunting down the villains that have set Erf in a quagmire of confusion and fell Lords. I seek Hambones and the King of The Skyfallers.
“Well I suppose in your mind that is what is important, and you must follow that path Donald but one day you will become enlightened, suddenly I think, and then you will look in a mirror and say to me, your doppelganger, “Why did I not understand this before. I could have saved myself a lot of stress.” “But then maybe it is all about the adventure and journey and without both the reward would seem fruitless and ill gained.”
The sky was as clear as any blue sky could possibly be but suddenly there was a long roll of distant thunder that grew into an enormous Erf shaking crash that faded into a clattering confusion. My doppelganger heard it to and looked up but didn’t say anything. At least I knew he had heard it too, so I decided it was not just my imagination.
I was at a loss not knowing what to do next or where to go or even why I was there. I had not tracked old Hambones, nor did it seem I had come any closer to finding this oddity and monarchial ruler of a land where he did not belong.
I ask my doppelganger, but he knew nothing beyond his metaigneous existence within the amber stone, which was of course merely a journey within the mind, not across the vast and seemingly endless terrain of Erf.
I was just about to leave my doppelganger to his amber domain atop the obelisk when he said very thoughtfully. “Your Mr. Hambones is hiding here in the greens very much afraid that you will come and expose him. He is not the ogre he projects but a frightened boy imprisoned in adulthood. It would be to your credit to help him emerge from his fears rather than help destroy him.”
I do not know how I understood what my doppelganger meant by hiding but the fact remains I knew old Hambones had taken refuge in the amber stone and that however I decided to deal with him I would have follow him in.
Little did I know there was something off square about the whole situation.
My doppelganger took my hand and we rose up into the air to the height of the amber stone then glided slowly toward it. From there with the way the sun was touching it, it seemed to have something inside, something I saw just as my doppelganger pushed me in. The next thing I knew I had stumbled into a place full that something inside of me said I should have recognized but at that moment it was foreign to my eyes and mind except that Old Hambones was in there dancing around like a fool and scratching away at his fiddle making sounds that curled my teeth and made me want to pee.
‘Stop. Stop.” I yelled as loud as I could, but Hambones played even louder.
I was about to rush him and rip the fiddle from his fingers, then I remembered what my doppelganger told me.
Suddenly I was sitting at my school desk in Mundanieland gazing out the window over a wide sea filled with fire and burning warships I had seen in pictures of world war two. And standing on the deck of one was old Hambones, not old but a young sailor. I could see his face clearly as the look of youthful innocence faded and was replaced by a deep fear as the boy was forced into manhood. In that moment all the anger I felt toward the man faded and my spirit warmed.
Before my eyes, the old man disintegrated into star dust and I could hear the sweetest music a violin could ever possibly emit and then floating away I saw a child working the bow upon the strings of his instrument and smile upon his lips. A moment later I was in the Mundanie class room and the grumpy old Hambones was no longer. In his place was a brilliant violinist with a warm look in his eyes and when they met mine there grew an understanding bridge that I knew would change things for ever for the better between us.
The next thing I became aware of was my doppelganger standing in front of me with his arms out-stretched. I touched his hands and he faded and once again I was standing on the midway of the Carnival of Erf and there was a sense of happiness among the characters of the Carnival and it’s visitors.
And the thunder rolled ending in a great crash and the world about me turn black as pitch and silent except a ringing, ringing, ringing in my ears.
Erf The Infinite Realm
Aders Drin And
Journey Through The Yukersnok Mire
The actual moment of realization cannot be pinned down to an exact time. It happened over a vast period and came to fullness only when it was all over.
Aders Drin banged his head on a low hanging branch as he rode his horse along a supposedly well-manicured bridle path. It knocked him off his horse flipping him ass over tea kettle, twice before he landed on the cinder path with a long scraping action that burned a hole in his trousers and scraped a few layers of skin off his buttocks. I guess he should have paid closer attention.
How long he laid there, unconscious before he came too, to the experience of nausea, excruciating pain and a severe sense of disorientation, from road rash and the head butting contest with a tree branch causing an enormous headache and a welt as big as a goose egg on his forehead.
When he woke Aders was no longer on the bridle path and his horse was nowhere to be seen. In fact, there was no path at all. In its place was a swamp in which Aders was standing up to his knees and his knee-high riding boots were full of water.
"Where am I?" He asked weakly.
"Hummm. A human in Yukersnok. Again." The answer came gurgling through.
Aders looked about, hither and tither until he spied a frog floating just below the surface of the water and its mouth was moving.
"What mess do you get into to bring you to Yukersnok Mire?"
"Banged my head and fell off my horse." Aders Drin answered. "At least that is what happened just before I got here."
"Of course. You humans never come here unless there is some dramatic dilemma"
"Well push on you. I didn't come here willingly."
The frog, whose name was Ferrrog, crawled up onto a lily pad and fixed his big, black, bulbous eyes on Aders. It was a critical stare. One that a judge might afford a criminal who has just been found guilty of a nauseous crime.
Ferrrog said in his natural croaking voice. "Willingly or not, you are here and should not be here and most definantly should not be able to be having this conversation. This circumstance of course means something very strange and unorthodox is happening. You are the first human who is capable of conversing with the inhabitants of Yukersnok."
"Not true. Not true." Another indigenous of Yukersnok blurted out. Aders head snapped around and there in a mound of drier earth stood a Venus flytrap with its jaws flipping open and closed gobbling up flies.
"I've gone over the edge. My brain is scrambled. Still I must ask, "Who else like me has come to the oddity of places?"
"The old hermit. He came in through the Bog and lives in a shack near the bog he came through." Described Mr. Flytrap.
"And where do I find him and his bog?" Asked Aders Drin.
"That way" Flytrap pointed.
"Good. I will go find him and maybe he can explain all this to me." Aders announced and strode off at a hurried pace wanting nothing more to do with talking frogs and Venus Flytraps.
And he did not have to walk far, nor did he get away from indigenousness that could talk.
Indeed, he found the hermits shack, but he was also confronted by a talking turtle and snake, both who wanted to know who was trespassing in Yukersnok.
"Why are you interloping in Yukersnok Human." The Turtle, a large snapper, demanded.
"Indeed." Hissed the snake.
"Like I told the frog and the Trap. I bumped my head on a branch and got knocked of my horse. When I woke, I was here.”? Aders answered. "Now I am looking for the Hermit."
The Turtle laughed. "He's looking for Mr. Crotchol at this time of day."
"Humans really are odd creatures. Who would look for Hermit Crotchol before the morning rain?"
"Only a fool." The snake replied...hisssssssssss.
"Where can I find him before the morning rain?" Aders queried suspiciously.
"Asleep in the Bog of course. How could you not know that?" Demanded the Turtle.
"Where is the Bog?" Aders inquired.
The snaked flicked its tongue in the direction of the Bog which was next to the shack hidden by brambles and hawthorns.
"Thank you, Mr. Snake." Aders responded distractedly as he walked toward the bog.
"You might be sorry for disturbing the Hermit. He's a grump this time of day." Warned the turtle.
"Right now, he ain't half as mean as I feel. My head is throbbing now, and my stomach is flipping up and over. I might barf." Replied Aders.
"I suggest you do not barf in the Bog." Mr. Crotchol will not be pleased." Hisssssssed Mr. Snake.
The bog was just a bog if you know anything about bogs. If not look it up and educate yersef. Wikipedia would be a good place. And nowhere could Aders see anything that resembled a hermit, or a Mr. Crotchol or humanish for that manner. Something did slither deeper into the bog though...and disappeared in a blink of light.
"What the hey. I'll just follow the Slithery thing." Cried Aders as he jumped feet first into the bog...just as he barfed. I am sure you can imagine the mess it caused, unless of course you have never barfed before.
Well. Here we are at the end of our story and I am sure you want to know what happened to Aders Drin. To be quite honest I don't really know. I ran out of coffee before I came up with the answer and since I really have to get on with my day I must move on.
However. There is a silver lining in the bog of your imagination so you can decide the fate of Aders Drin in your own way. Or you could always go try and find Mr. Crotchol, and if you happen into fall into Yukersnok Mire as the next victims of fate did you may come across Aders Drin…maybe.
Another Unexpected Journey
Into Yukersnok
Part One
The Gateway To Yukersnok City
This is a tale of adventure in a weirdish kind of place on the far reaches of the Land of Erf where everyone lives in the middle of an outlandish drama where no one is in possession of all one's mental faculties and everyone is very enthusiastic and excited about someone or something or some ridiculous event.
It tells the story of how Runyard Belliwick, his sister Betina and their cousin on their mothers side, Estovyn Hashkin who went out one day to play a dirty trick on the nasty old man down the street but instead fell down a hole trap in his front yard, meant for stray cats and dogs and sales people and never stopped falling until they landed in a mucky, slimy critter swamp pool with a swarm of three inch long leeches, then it turned really weird and frighteningly hilarious, if you can imagine such a thing.
If you know anything at all about swamps and swamp pools you will know that they are not particularly deep but have very muddy oozy bottoms to grab your shoes and if you are not careful the oozy muck will steal them, and your socks if you let it. But these three unsuspecting victims of the old man’s trap got lucky that day. They did not have their shoes or socks stolen because the weren ’t wearing any, but they did get covered in leeches which made Runyard shout, “Oh Yuck”, and Estovyn yell, Get’em off me, Get’em off me”, nearly in a panic and Belina screamed only like a frightened nine year old girl can scream when in that kind of very scary situation. And they kept shouting and yelling and screaming until they finally found a dry patch of earth and got all the leeches off each other, which as you may know if you have ever had a leech attach itself to you, is a very difficult thing to do.
But they finally managed to get leech free after an hour of picking and pulling and wishing they had thought to bring matches, but of course they had not considered bringing matches because they were not out to set anything on fire and had no idea they would be falling down a hole into a swamp pool.
Of course, their most obvious next question after they collected themselves is, “Where are we?”
Well now, I must say if you have ever read the mis-adventure type story of a misshaped fellow name Aders Drin you would immediately recognize that Runyard, Betina and Estovyn had misshaped themselves into the Yukersnok Mire which can only be found in the midst or at the end of some foulish deed or failure to pay attention to what is going on around you. Aders banged his head on a tree limb while riding a horse.
Well. Maybe I gave you the wrong impression when I made it seem like the Yukersnok Mire was/is the only element to Yukersnok. My deepest apologies because Yukersnok is made up of many elements and the Mire is but one. It just happened that Runyard, Betina and Estovyn dropped into the same place as Aders Drin. I assure you it does not always happen that way and our trio of pranksters will soon find themselves smack in the middle of a completely different element as or more absurd than the Mire called Yukersnok City with all sorts of goobligunk mashed into the mix.
And now that, that has been sorted out let’s get back to our trio still stuck on an island in the east-run region of the mire and not so very far from its border and the wrought iron gate, that separates it neatly from the city.
Runyard, Betina and Estovyn argued for several minutes over what they should do next until Betina simply took a hop skip and a jump over the narrows between the island and another long stretch of higher land that seemed to lead out of the mire into a brighter place.
“We should go that way.” Betina pointed at the brighter light. I think there are fewer trees where the sun can get in and dry things up a little.”
“You are quite right sister of mine.” Replied Runyard who did his own hop, skip and jump over the narrows with Estovyn close at his heels.
When they were all safely and comfortably over Runyard said, “Lead on oh wisest among us”, in a teasing sort of way that brothers do to sisters.
Betina sneered at her brother and set off toward the brighter light that seem to be outside the mire. But they had only gone a short way when a very large snake slithered on to the path ridden by a rather soggy looking character who looked very much like a Bogman. “If you are looking for that creepy hermit Mr. Crotchol go home. He has been missing for some time and I am beginning to wonder if he ever existed, but if you want help here in the Mire of Yurkersnok I’ll be delighted to assist. Aders Drin at your service.”
“You could help us by telling us how to get out of here and go home.” Betina demanded.
“No. I cannot do that because I do not even know how to get myself home. So, we are both stuck here in Yukersnok Mire.” Aders Drin replied with a snarl in his tone and the snake hissed and slithered to and fro.
“Very well. Then tell me what is there.” Betina pointed toward the light that seemed outside the Mire.
“Awe. I do not know. I have gone that way many times but have never come to the end of Yukersnok. It seems to grow the further you walk or run for that matter and not even my slithering friend here can help me. I believe that once you fall into Yukersnok Mire you are its prisoner even though I have heard that there is a Yukersnok City. I suppose it’s pure luck that governs which one you fall into.” Aders Drin replied a little less snarly. “But I think if you three were to take a ride on my snake it might take you to the city.”
Runyard stared at Aders Drin for a long time then said in a very serious voice. “You are trying to trick us.” It was only a guess, but Runyard could see deep into the man’s eyes and all he saw was darkness at first, then he saw Aders with an old man riding on a slithery snake. “Just like old Crotchol tricked you so he could escape the Mire.” He accused.
“Wretched brat.” Cried Aders Drin. As he spurred the snake to attack Runyard, but at that very moment cousin Estovyn picked up a big clot of mud and threw it in the snakes face and then threw another into Aders’ face and yelled, “Run…Run…Run… while we have the chance.”
Led by Estovyn the three kids ran as fast as they could toward the bright light just beyond the mire, but they could not run quite fast enough because Aders Drin quickly wiped away the mud and turned his snake to give chase and we all know that snakes that slither and curl can move very fast when they are chasing prey.
With Aders Drin close on their heels the three kids skidded to a halt when they came to a huge wrought iron gate barring their way to a bridge that crossed a river filled with water as dark as tar. To the left and right the mire spread out of sight and they could see leeches resting on lilly pads or clinging to frogs and snakes and squirrels who mis-happed into the thick murk of the mire.
Adres Drin’s snake reared to a slithering halt only a few feet away. “Foolish children. You cannot escape Yukersnok Mire or me, Lord Aders Drin, appointed by his majesty the Skyfaller King. You will be my subjects and slaves.”
Betina quickly grabbed the handle of the gate and started to pull but it was too heavy for her. “Come help me. The gate is not locked.” She cried out fretfully as the Drin’s snake coiled and reared to strike.
Suddenly the gate swung open and a boy charged through raising an enormous slingshot. “Stand down Swamp man or I will pelt you with stones.”
Quickly Aders Drin turned his snake away and they slithered back into the swamp. Then the boy turned his attention to Betina, Runyard and Estovyn and said. “Since you entered Erf into Yukersnok Mire you must have been up to some nasty little shenanigans in Mundanie Land. I should just leave you here, but everyone needs a chance to change their ways.
“Who are you?” Betina demanded obstinately.
“Donald I am. Welcome to Erf and Yukersnok City.” The boy replied and ushered his charges through the gate.
Part Two
In Yukersnok City
Yukersnok City is a calamity of realities, perceptions and configurations. Runyard Belliwick, his sister Betina and their cousin on their mother's side, Estovyn Hashkin regarded their rescuer, Donald, with an intense curiosity for what they saw at first was an 11-year-old kid, then on a second glance an old man and on a third glance a young princely sort of fellow. Then, much to their alarm, he said, “Now you are safe from the mire and no longer require my assistance but beware, Yukersnok City has its own unique curiosities and issues.” Then he vanished leaving the three new Skyfallers to explore the vast city before them.
Runyard scratched his head and hummed. “I've never been in a big city but I have seen lots of photos and this does not look anything like any city I have ever seen.”
“I have been to several cities because my Dad travels a lot and sometimes in the summer he takes me with him. I have never seen one like this.” Cousin Estovyn replied agreeably.
“Of course not you dolts. We are in a totally different world called Erf and this is like a country or at least a province called Yukesnok and even judging by name it is going to be different, weirdly different, just like the Mire and Yukersnok City is going to be just as different, weirdly and delightful all at the same time. Imaging skyscrapers that look like a mountain with hundreds of rows of cave doors and windows. And there, the sign reads The Yukersnok Hotel and it looks like a palace in the clouds.”
“Hey. There is a car and it looks like a miniature dragon. And there…a train like a roller coaster only with closed cars and the engine is shaped like a buffalo.”
“Yes Sis we can see.” Runyard cut her off. “And I suppose we must go in or back to the Mire.” He added ruefully.
“We know going back is not an option so onward we go.” Said Betina and took the lead ahead.
“Yez Mazza,” Estovyn snarled sarcastically, wishing he could just click his heels or something and go home.
They went only a short distance when everything changed. Now they were at the edge of a deep, gorge over which spanned a wide bridge carved out of stone lined with houses and towers and market kiosks. At the bottom of the gorge was a miniature town, just like something someone might built with models, including a train whizzing along a track that went everywhere, including through mountain tunnels.
Up in the sky is another city, off to the south sitting on deep grey clouds that are shedding rain into the gorge and a twin city in the north shedding snow down into the gorge.
“This is not natural,” said Runyard in a somewhat mesmerized tone. “Its all very exciting actually.”
Betina stepped onto the bridge, expecting anything, but with the first step nothing happened, nor with the second or when she went a few more steps.
When Runyard followed nothing happened then either. But when Estovyn set just one foot on the bridge trumpets started wailing and flocks of birds flew up into the air dancers came out of thin air, dancing a jig to the cry of bagpipes and the thunder of drums.
As suddenly as it all started it stopped and things went nearly silent as a man, and odd looking woman came toward them. Not walking but gliding on a carpet just inches above the ground. When s she was very near the carpet stopped and she stepped off.
Now standing directly in front of Betina she said in a music voice but not like singing, “I was told by Donald you had arrived and that I was to treat you nicely, which I may have done anyway since I am not a bad witch by nature, though when provoked I can do bad things to bad people. I understand you came into Erf through Yurkersnok Mire which means you were either up to no good or were not paying attention to where you were walking.”
Betina interjected, just a little shamefully, “A little bit of both actually but I think we would have thought better of what we were planning to do before we actually did it. We are not naturally bad kids. Its just that the old man we were going to play a nasty trick is himself kind of nasty. He hurts cats and dogs and…”
“Bad does not fix bad and I do hope you would have realized that if you hadn’t fallen into Yukersnok.” The Witch interrupted.
No matter. The point is, you are here now and that could be good or bad, fun or not so fun. I am Witch Hemlock and I was sent by the Governor of Yukersnok to welcome you. I am also here to warn you that if by chance you have come to do bad things you will answer to me for doing them.”
“All I want is to go home”, said Estovyn.
“I would like to explore a little before we go back.” Runyard announced and Betina said in a whimsical voice, “Maybe we could stay, at least maybe I could stay. This seems much nicer than home, certainly more exciting.”
“You may explore all you wish, which you may have to do anyway if you think you want to find a way out of Yukersnok. But I should warn you, you might be able to leave our city, but you may end up elsewhere in Erf.” Said Witch Hemlock.
“I would rather not explore. I want to go straight home.” Estovyn groaned miserably.
Hemlock explained with a sly grin, “That will be impossible unless all of you go. You all came here together, and you can only leave together. However, if you would like to come with me I could make your stay nice.”
“Would I get to ride on your flying carpet?” Estovyn asked excitedly.
“No Cousin. Stay with us.” Betina pleaded urgently, but Estovyn did not hear her.
Instead he asked, “Can you help me get back to my own world?”
“Yes, but you must do something for me first.” Answered the witch.
“You are going to get us all into trouble. We must stick together Estovyn.” Runyard urged.
“I can help you all get back. In fact, you may find that your only way back is through me.” Witch Hemlock cackled like only a witch with a nasty side to her can cackle.
Just about then several things happened but they started off with Runyard doing something out of character and possibly something very brave thought as he did it the act seemed mean and devious.
He clunk Estovyn in the chin with a powerful left hook punch and knocked he down, unconscious. Then he picked his cousin up, threw him over his shoulder and ran, calling to Betina to follow him, which she did.
At almost but not quite the same time three Gargoyles swept down from somewhere up above and snatched all three off the bridge while Hemlock cursed them seven ways to nowhere and crying out, “You can’t have them. They are mine. I found them first.”
“Snooze ya lose witchy.” Cried back one of the Gargoyles. “You should have carried them off before we saw them.” Another chortled.
“I don’t think we are being rescued.” Runyard yelped.
“We are being hijacked.” Cried Betina.
Estovyn just cried and screamed and tried to get loose which was kind of dumb since now her was several hundred feet up in the air headed for the south floating city of Yukersnok City.
“You have a date with Destiny.” Said one of the Gargoyles. She is.”
Estovyn broke loose and with a desperate cry somewhere between joy and terror he fell and fell and fell.
“Oops. Destiny is not going to be happy. She needs all three for her spell.” Said a Gargoyle.
“Destiny is a witch too.” Said Betina.
“No. She is a Princess.” One of the Gargoyles said sarcastically. Are you so stupid. Yukersnok City is Witch City, but the Warlocks call it Warlock City. Of she is a witch.”
“I think that fellow Donald may not have done us any favours.” Runyard said.
“Oh my. Are you friends of the Great Donald King Hunter and Hero of Erf.” One of the Gargoyles asked anxiously.
“We are.” Answered Betina. “He opened the gate to Yukersnok for us and saved us from Aders Drin.
“Oh no. Even for Destiny we will do no harm to a friend of Donald’s.” All three Gargoyles wailed fearfully then the ones holding Betina and Runyard in their talons let go and dropped them.
They fell and fell, and they fell until they caught up to Estovyn, then they all kept falling together into the gorge. Deeper and deeper.
“We are going to be bashed to death when we hit the ground.” Estovyn yelped horrifically. But just a few feet from the cobble stone street of Gorge Town or Lower Yukersnok City a might draft picked them up and set them down gently though not in the best place they could have hoped to land.
“What the blazes. Who is mucking around in my wine vat who ain’t supposed to be muckin around in my wine vat. You will ruin my juice and I must have seven barrels ready for the King.”
“Oh boy. More trouble. That is all this place is. Nothing but trouble.” Estovyn griped miserably as he climbed out of the vat. And I smell yucky.”
“What King?” Demanded Betina.
“What King. What King. What a silly question. The only King of course. The Skyfaller King.” Yelled the wine maker.
Suddenly there was a clap of thunder and Donald appeared in a flash of light. “Wine maker. Do you know where the Sky Faller King is?” he demanded to know fiercely.
“Oh. Donald. I didn’t know you were here, or even nearby.” Replied the wine maker.
“You yelled so loud I could hear you all the way from Mr. Armstrong’s farm. Now answer me.” Donald ordered.
“Well bedashabalded Donald. Ain’t no one knows where the Skyfaller King holds up. All I know is I make the wine and I leaves it out in seven barrels at night. When I look in the morning after the barrels is gone and in there place is more grapes and a pot of gold.”
Donald glanced at Betina, then at Runyard and finally at Estovyn. Then smiled and said, “You have had a time of it already here in Erf. I suggest you start looking for a way home before its to late and you have to stay here forever, but not in Yukersnok. You could be spirited off to some place nasty, especially if the Skyfaller King spies you out.”
Then again Donald disappeared.
All of a sudden they were surrounded by Gnomes. The Garden variety in fact and they were friendly, or as friendly as a gnome can be in the presence of humans. The curious thing was they were as big, tall that is, and taller, as the kids. It was then that they noticed, after he put his hat on, that the wine maker was also a gnome.
“Welcome to Lower Yukersnok or, as we like to call it Gnome Town. I am Mr. Mayor and you have met Mr. Wine Maker.”
“Well Mr. Mayor. Can you tell us how to get out this horrible place and back home?” Estovyn snarled.
“Well I suppose I can after a fashion, a way that everyone knows or should know. The way home is to go forward and to do that you must follow your toes and your nose.” Mr. Mayor answered cheerfully.
Estovyn looked up and said, “What about going up?”
“Well, if up is going forward I suppose that would be the way, but it would be difficult to follow your toes and nose, unless of course you can walk up walls like the walls of the gorge. But that would be defying the laws of gravity and that means you would need a witch or warlock or even someone more powerful like a Sorcerer or Sorceress or dare I mention, a Wizard. But that of course would not make it a certainty that you would find home. It would only make it so that you can walk up walls.” Explained the Mayor.
“Well, that was a mouth full of nothing helpful.” Estovyn replied disheartened.
“Is it possible to go forward from here?” Betina inquired thoughtfully.
“Well, I can not say that I can answer that question since no matter which way you go in lower Yukersnok City it ends. To the north you come to the Shrooms which is an enormous cavern that is very dark where we grow our mushrooms. To the south is where we grow a certain kind of grape for a special kind of wine that can not be grown anywhere else in Erf and that we sell at market in Upper Yukersnok City.” Explained Mr. Mayor.
“Ok. Explain how you get up to Upper City.” Betina asked in frustration and rolling her eyes she added, “You could have told us about this before without going on a big conversation about it.”
Mr. Mayor smiled and answered, “It is really simple. We take the elevator.”
“And where is this marvel of technology?” Demanded Estovyn.
“There.” Mr. Mayor pointed to a device that looked an awful lot like a baby’s playpen only much bigger.
Runyard went to examine the elevator and discovering no motors or pulleys or cables he asked the obvious question, “How does it work?”
“Again, I have a simple answer.” Replied Mr. Mayor. “You step on, through the gate,” which he opened, “then when everything and every one that is and are going up you close the gate and it goes up.”
“Come on. Lets go back up to Upper Yukersnok City and, well, go forward I guess,” cheered Runyard.
And at that he stepped onto the elevator floor, followed by his sister and cousin and closed the gate.
Immediately and quickly the elevator started up making the passenger feel like they were leaving their stomachs behind.
The elevator came to a sliding kind of stop and the gate opened. When the passengers stepped off they found themselves in a quaint and quite pretty little old English Market village that was slightly elevated, looking down at the bridge part of Yukersnok.
“If this gets any weirder I am going to throw up.” Estovyn complained.
“I think it is delightful, and I am hungry. Lets find something to eat.” Betina replied and led the way to a kiosk that was selling sandwiches made with buns rather than sliced bread.
“Ah, Skyfallers. Haven’t seen the likes of yous for a time and a time.” Said the Dwarf attendant.
“We were rescued by Donald from that creep Aders Drin in Yukersnok Mire.” Said Estovyn who was eyeing a thick corned beef sandwich. “How much is that?” He asked.
“Seven Yukersnok Pennies.” Answered the Dwarf.
“Oh. Well I don’t think I have any Yukersnok money, just coins from home.” Estovyn replied.
“I will take Mundanie coins.” Said the Dwarf with a sly grin.
“Of course, you will, but you should also tell them that Mundanie money is worth scads more than Erf money anywhere is.” A voice came from behind Estovyn.
“Donald.” Estovyn almost shouted. “I thought you left us here to go on our own.”
“Well, I did, but I found I was at loose ends so I thought I would stop in and see how you are making out.” Donald replied.
“We are still here. Does that tell you anything. We are still trying to figure out how to go home.” Estovyn said moodily as he snatched up the corned beef sandwich and paid for it with a quarter.
“Very generous Skyfaller. I owe you thirty five Yukersnok pennies.” Announced the Dwarf and Estovyn held out his right hand, palm up while he raised the sandwich to his mouth with the left.
“I will take a ham and cheese sandwich. My cousin will pay.” Runyard said before the Dwarf delivered the change.
Then Betina asked for a chicken salad sandwich also paid by Estovyn’s money who snarled but finally accepted his change, now only fifteen Yukersnok pennies.
Estovyn swallowed the bite of sandwich he was chewing then confronted Donald sharply, “So, Mr. Know it all. How about giving us a clue how to get home.”
Donald smiled tolerantly. He was aware that the boy’s fierceness was brought on by fear, fear of the unknown and fear of things bigger than him, much like it is with a Bully, though Estovyn was not a Bully by description.
“Well my friend, go forward is certainly good advice though in doing so one must expect to experience some kind or kinds of adventures. I would suggest you return to the bridge and walk in the direct away from Yukersnok Mire and see what is at the other end of the bridge. But like I said don’t expect to do so with out at least one notable incident to imprint on your memory before you return home.
“I think I have had about enough incidents imprinted on my memories.” Estovyn groaned then put all his attention on devouring his sandwich and follow by a glass of orange juice. There is no soda pop in Erf.
“I know exactly what we should do.” Cried Runyard excitedly. “We should go for a ride on the train. It looks like it goes into the mountain slope and probably comes out someplace else other than Yukersnok.” He suggested, looking at Donald. Donald just smiled, shrugged his shoulders and vanished. “I am sure he was saying I got it right, but right or wrong it will be a fun adventure.” He added.
“I agree.” Said Betina and for once Estovyn thought the idea was a good one.” And if we have to pay to ride on the train one of you can do so.” He put in.
They hired a flying carpet to lower them from Market Town and deliver them to the train station where a train was just accepting boarders.
Sometimes things just go along that smooth and before long the three kids were sitting in a car that looked like any other roller coaster train car only with seat beats because, after all it was part train and part roller coaster.
Before long, the train disappeared into the tunnel in the mountain side and everything out side the car went dark, dark, dark…scary dark.
A voice came over a speaker in the ceiling. “You are now leaving Yukersnok. Be prepared and be afraid, very, very afraid.
Suddenly the train rushed from the dark tunnel into the light of day with a deep valley below.
“There’s no track. The train is free falling. We are falling. We will crash.” Estovyn cried in horror.
And they did, but they didn’t. The free fall was etched into each of their memories though and when they realized what had happened they were standing at the gate of the mean old man down the street whom they had been on their way to play a nasty trick on.
“Wow, that was, ah, different.” Runyard said a little doubtfully.
“Did it really happen like we imagined it happened?” Betina said curiously.
“It must have,” Estovyn said excitedly showing of a handful of Yukersnok pennies. Then he said, “I thought we were going to die when we came out of the tunnel and were free falling to the ground.”
Betina put in hopefully, “I hope we can go back some day. I think our adventure was just getting started.”
“Me too.” Runyard agreed but not through Yukersnok Mire.”
“Hey you kids. What are you doing at my gate?” Cried out the mean old man who looked almost exactly like Aders Drin.
The Grand And Mystical Adventures
Of
Logan And Parker
Chapter One
Once there were two brothers. Logan and Parker who were nine and seven at the time of this story. They were very special young fellows special with a capital S, which you can learn about by reading the appendix at the end of this story. For now, you need only know that one day, it was a Saturday, they were in their room, supposedly having a nap, but they were up to something much more exciting than that. They were wrestling, in a playful way, on Logan’s bed when suddenly they rolled off, but instead of crashing to the floor they kept falling and when the landed it was in a big pile of fluffy goose down that was being stuffed into sacks to be sent to the local pillow maker. And as you can guess it was a very, very soft landing.
“Well, well, said an old woman with only a tooth or two left in her mouth and most definitely a Gnome wife, with a goose down rake in her hands and sneer on her face.
“Now what have you two Mundie characters been up to that landed you in my pile of goose down. A little bit of tomfoolery I suspect.” Said she, still with a bit of a sneer on her face, but then the sneer was replaced by a smile and she went on in a happy musical tone. “Or maybe you are one of the special ones come to Erf for a wonderful adventure.”
Logan looked at her with his eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets and Parker giggled delightedly. Neither brother was afraid, because, well, it was just in them, much like their Dad, to have no fear, but more importantly they were both more aware of themselves and their world than they ever had been.
“We were wrestling on my bed and fell off and…and we landed here.” Said Logan, surprised at his own voice.
“Yah. And I was winning,” Parker put in excitedly and a little surprised at hearing his own voice and throwing a handful of goose down at his brother.
“No, you weren’t. I was letting you win.” Logan shot back a little defensively.
“Well, boys, for whatever reason you are here, and it is most likely you are here to have an adventure. Probably to save someone or right a wrong or maybe just to have fun. No one is ever sure what is going to happen until it happens here in Erf. But one thing is for sure, you must stick together through thick and thin, fun or, dare I say danger. If you don’t. well, who knows how your excursion to Erf will go.” Said the Gnome wife then she added, “Now get off with you and I suggest you go to the big house and talk to his Lordship, Strebor D’lanod. He may be able to set you in the right direction, whichever direction that may be to find your adventure.” The Gnome wife pointed in a northerly direction at a house at the top of a hill, with grass like a carpet in a living room and stairs that met at the top with a beautiful white picket gate.
Chapter Two
Logan climbed out of the pile of goose down and stood beside the Gnome wife startled that she was quite a bit shorter than he and when Parker joined them she was even shorter than him, but the Gnome wife was an adult, at least she spoke in the manner of an adult with a certain air of authority.
She noticed the quizzical look in their eyes and said in her cheery way. “Ah. You have never seen Gnomes, but now you have, and I suspect you will never forget us. “I am Mrs. Featherdown. My husband is Mr. Featherdown. I pack the goose down and he delivers it, ten bags at a time to the pillow maker, Mr. Downworthy at the pillow factory across the way.
“How did we get here?” Logan asked as if ignoring Mrs. Featherdown.
“Well, since you dropped in out of the sky like all Mundies do, that makes you a Skyfaller. That’s what we call Mundies here in Erf. But why you had to land here in my goose down is beyond me. Now get along and go find Strebor D’Lanod and bother him with questions. You have already put me far enough behind in my work.”
“We could help.” Parker offered but just then he nearly knocked himself over with a mighty sneeze caused by a tiny goose feather sneaking into his nose.”
No, No, Be on your way before you sneeze what little sense you have out.” Mrs. Featherdown said with a laugh and at that the two boys hurried along their way.
The bottom of the hill up to the house of Strebor D’Lanod had seemed fairly close when the Gnome wife had pointed it out, but Logan and Parker had been walking a long time and the hill did not seem to be getting any closer. But then suddenly they were standing at the bottom of the stairs that climbed the hill and saw that it was quite steep.
“It looks like a very long way up.” Said Logan.
Maybe it will take us home. If we fell down, then maybe we have to climb up.” Parker suggested.
“Somehow little brother I don’t think it works that way and I don’t think getting back to our bedroom is going to be that easy. Mrs, Featherdown said something about us having an adventure and I don’t think a long walk and a long climb is what she meant. I think the adventure comes after we see this Mr. D’Lanod.” Logan replied moodily.
“Then I guess we better get climbing or we will never get home,” Parker said then took the first step.
And indeed, it was a long climb, three hundred and thirty-three steps and as they got closer to the top they got even steeper until it was more like climbing a ladder than stairs. By the time they finally reached the top they were tired and hungry, and it seemed like hours and hours since they had, had breakfast and it was because now the sun was straight up in the sky where it usually was at lunchtime.
“I hope this Mr. D’Lanod has food for us to eat. I don’t want any adventures on an empty stomach. I wouldn’t get very far before I fell over from starvation.” Parker complained.
“Silly Brother. You can’t starve just because you miss lunch. But I hope he does have food. I am hungry too.”
Chapter Three
Even when the boys finally made it up to the white picket gate and stepped through it seemed the house, which was almost big enough to be called a castle, was still a long way off, but on the two brothers went up the earth coloured cobblestone walk.
The house got bigger and bigger until it really did look like a castle and there was a high stone wall with a big iron gate in it. Then as the boys got closer, they saw two guardsmen that looked an awful lot like Grenadiers with their big Black fuzzy hats, but instead of rifles they held Pikes in their hands and weirdest of all they weren’t human. They were Dwarves, just a bit taller than the boys but much thicker through the girth.
“Hello.” The boys said together when they were close enough. Then Logan said in a matter of fact tone. “We have come to speak with Mr. D’lanod.”
“If you are referring to Lord D’lanod you require an invitation or summons.” Instructed the guard on the right side of the gate.
“We were told by Mrs. Featherdown that we must speak with him if we want to find our way home. We are here quite by accident you see, and.” Parker was explaining when the guard on the left interrupted him.
“All Skyfallers come here by accident, even his Lordship, but he has the favour of the King of the Skyfallers so, well, he’s privileged. But you say Mrs. Featherdown sent you. Well, that has its own merit but only a little. It will get you past this gate but don’t expect much inside. His Lordship is a very private fellow.” Said the guard on the left side of the gate then quickly opened a small man-door built into the main gate.
As they stood just inside the gate looking toward the Palace, and a palace it was Logan said in an awed tone. “This place just keeps getting bigger and bigger the further we go. And look there. Is that what I think it is? A big Blue Dragon.”
“Well, it certainly does look like any blue jay bird I have ever seen.” Said Parker in the same awed tone.
“Let’s hope it doesn’t try and eat us before we get to the Palace, which looks like it must be at least three or four kilometres,” Logan said a little nervously.
“Wait though. There is something come from the Palace. It looks like one of those royal coaches we saw on TV.” Parker said excitedly and waved a finger in the direction of the horse-drawn vehicle.
And indeed, it was a Royalish coach drawn by four gigantic golden colour draft horses with silver manes and tails.
As soon as it was close the driver quickly reigned the horses to a halt and when it was stopped the door opened and out came a fellow who looked a little more like a Harlequin Jester than a lord, but immediately introduced his himself as such, speaking in a pleasant musical tone. “Welcome, welcome my boys, to Erf. I am Strebor D’Lanod, Lord of the Manor in these parts, which is considered the goose down capital of all the land.”
“Hi. I am Logan and this is my Brother Parker. We were wrestling in our bedroom and fell off the bed and landed here.”
“Well, no surprises here. It happens with that sort of accident. There was a fellow named Donald who came here long ago when he fell through the pin pit in the bowling alley where he worked as a pin setter.” Described Strebor D’Lanod.
Chapter Four
“Mrs. Featherdown told us you would know how we could back home,” Logan announced.
“Well yes, there is a way, but I am afraid it is not easy, like a walk in the park and I dare say it could be dangerous, though I am sure a couple of clever young lads like yourselves can manage a bit of trouble. But I guarantee it will be the adventure of a lifetime.”
“What must we do?” Parker asked.
“I am not exactly sure. Adventures mostly just happen as you go along but I think I can tell you that yours will be found if you take the Easterly High Road. I understand there is lots going on that way and best of all the Carnival of Erf Lies along that a road and I think you would have great fun if you stopped to have a visit.” Strebor D’Lanod advised. But first you must come with me and have a good meal, a good rest and I will supply you with tools for your adventure. You cannot embark on any adventure without the proper tools…ever.”
“What kind of tools?” Parker asked.
“Good question kid, but first we eat, then we sleep, it will be getting dark soon and the night creatures will be about, and they are not always friendly to day creatures.”
“You mean ghosts and goblins and critters like that?” Logan queried.
“I suppose there are some of those out there, but I meant more like Gargoyles and Werewolves and Vampire Bats, maybe even a Vampire or two as well. One never quite knows who or what might be skulking in the dark.” Strebor D’lanod answered.
“Are you afraid to go out?” Parker challenged.
“I do not go out without good reason or unprepared and I never go out at night alone. There are bandits out there too who lay in wait for unsuspecting victims, but they are mostly cowardly and won’t usually attack two who are out together.”
Strebor D’Lanod guided his guests to a huge dining room with a very long table already filled with so many kinds of food it was not only impossible to try and name them all in a sitting it was equally impossible to try them all. But nearly every chair had an occupant and when his Lordship entered the room, they all stood and bowed their heads respectfully then reclaimed their seats and waited for the three new arrivals to sit down. Then Strebor waved his hand and there was a calamity of activity as everyone started filling their plates and eating and talking and laughing and even some singing until their master cleared his throat and stood indicating he had something to say. Then when all was quiet, he introduced Logan and Parker who simply responded by waving their hands and saying, “Hi.” Then calamitous cacophony started all over again.
“Do you people eat like this every night?” Parker asked with a mouthful of apple strudel.
“Indeed, we do. All these people work for me, whether it's here in the Manor house or out there somewhere, but it's not the same people every night. My Tenants take turns in enjoying my generosity.”
“So, you rule the roost and all these people must obey you.” Logan challenged.
“It does seem like that but believe me I need them more than they need me, and they are loyal to me only because we have a mutual appreciation of each other and I am, as I said, generous with them. If I were not, I would need soldiers to control them. Then that would make me a dictator Lord. Which I would not like to be.”
Chapter Five
There was lots of chatter going on at the table as you can imagine with guests that were not at all human and more like woodland creatures anthromorphed by the natural elements of Erf, Squirrels, and groundhogs being the most abundant. But there were two who seemed to have a dark light about them, a sneaky disposition one might say, talking in secret whispers. These two were Gargoyles and even the young brothers could tell they were up to no good.
Parker leaned over and spoke quietly to Logan. “Those two-look dangerous.”
“What do you think they are talking about?” Logan asked.
“I can’t guess but they keep glancing at us and don’t seem to care that we have noticed them,” Parker replied.
Then suddenly the Gargoyles were on their feet and quickly took flight out of the dining room on their black leathery batwings, cackling as they went.
“Well now,” exclaimed Strebor D’Lanod. I suspect our two little spies have gone off to report to their master all about you two. I am not saying all Gargoyles are black hearts but these this pair is in league with a nasty old Troll named Gruffrugger who are in league with the Sandwitches and that could mean trouble.”
“So, our adventure may begin before we even get started,” Logan suggested.
“Well, actually, it began the minute you landed here but yes it will advance somewhat more quickly than I thought it might. I believe we should get you already sooner than later. I will send an aide to help you prepare. In the meantime, I will look into what the Gargoyles and the Troll are up to.” Strebor replied ominously.
“I thought Trolls live in the mountains and don’t like the sunlight,” Parker said suspiciously.
“In the mundane world, my boy, that would be a fact, but this is Erf and what might be fact in Mundieland may not be so here.” His host replied.
“That is why we are different people…kind of…here.” Logan noted thoughtfully.
“What kind of people are you there?” Asked Strebor D’Lanod.
“We are not like others and they call it Autism,” Parker answered. “Logan is more autistic than I am, at least that is what we are told, and people don’t get it that deep inside we understand that we are different.”
“Well. You are in Erf now and you are definitely different than most Erffers but that doesn’t matter. What matters is you are in for an adventure and not all of it is going to be fun and frolic if there are Gargoyles, Trolls and Sandwitches involved.” Strebor assured.
“Maybe we could just stay here,” Parker replied hopefully.
“Mundies cannot stay always in Erf, but you can visit like you are now.” Explained Strebor D’Lanod.
“Mom and Dad would miss us if we never went back home, Parker. So, we better get on with this adventure and get back before they find out we are gone.”
“No worries their Kid. They won’t even know you were missing. But yes, you should get busy and prepare tonight so you can get an early start in the morning.” Strebor advised.
That night, after dinner, by lantern light and assisted by Remgoffin, a kindly old groundhog stable keeper the boys loaded up a small cart with all the equipment they might need on an adventure and plenty of food and water. Then they went off to their beds and were soon fast asleep not realizing then that it would be a long time before they enjoyed the comfort of beds and a warm fireplace and a roof out of the rain.
Chapter Six
It was barely dawn when old Remgoffin came to their room and shook them gently by the shoulder to wake them up, saying, in his chattery, whistling voice, “Come along, come along, breakfast is waiting. You won’t want to begin any adventure on an empty stomach. I have a feast laid out for you in my bode fit for the King of the Skyfallers himself.”
Parker woke with a start from a dream that he in his room staring out the window at a stormy day. Logan eased blissfully into consciousness out of his own dream that was more like a nightmare of emptiness wandering through a world that did not understand him even though it was where he was born. As he awoke and saw Remgoffin hovering over him he wished that Erf were his forever home where he could make people understand what was going on in his mind and that here in this strange and wonderful land there was no such thing as Autism.
With a cheerfully “Good Morning,” Logan popped out of bed and was dressed in seconds flat urging his brother to hurry on so they could get away as soon as possible on their adventure.
Breakfast was indeed a feast, prepared and served by Remgoffin whom, after years of fending for himself, with no one but himself to do all the chores and cooking had become an expert. He was particularly proud of his bread and cheese and nicely stir-fried beans in molasses.
Then, as the sun crept over the morning horizon the stable keeper ushered his charges outside to their cart, already hitched up to a pair of ponies that looked like miniature golden palominos.
And so, though just being in Erf was an adventure in itself the boys set off into the unknown realm of an adventure within an adventure and that my friends, is where our story really begins and the nature of the brothers Logan and Parker shines as bright as a diamonds in the moonlight…
“Now which way would you two Skyfallers like to go?” Asked the pony whose name was Trotter, who was on the right from behind.
“East, if you would please?” Answered Logan cheerfully. “But do watch out for Gargoyles and Trolls and especially Sandwitches.” He added a little anxiously.
“We are always on the lookout for such nasty creatures, but we also remember that not all Gargoyles, Trolls and Sandwitches are nasty, just like not all Skyfallers are nasty.” Clopper, the pony on the left noted with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
“Now, now dearest. They are only boys and boys have not yet learned the art of diplomacy and tact.” Trotter admonished his partner and mate lightly. “And these two are special, above specials since they are akin to him.”
“Who is Him?” Parker asked.
“Why the Skyfaller who became the Hero of Erf of course,” Trotter replied as if everyone should know who the Hero is.
“We have just arrived and know nothing about Erf, except what we have learned in these first few hours,” Parker explained.
“Well then, I suspect you will learn on your own who the Hero of Erf is, in all due and proper time and we should leave it at that and avoid telling more than we should.” Trotter cut the conversation to an end. And it was not long after that the adventure at hand began, rather abruptly I might add.
Chapter Seven
The sun was midway to midday when Clopper, who was the most sensitive to her surroundings of the two ponies stopped suddenly and whinnied in a whispering way if you can imagine a whispered whinny. And sniffed curiously at the air then a greyness came upon her mood. “Something uncouth this way canters.” She announced ominously.
“What is it?” Asked Trotter who started when the scent suddenly invaded his nose. “Oh, dear me. This means trouble indeed.” He whinnied quite loudly.
“What trouble?” Logan demanded.
“Look. Up there, Brother. Something is coming this way.
“Some Sandwitch, you mean,” Clopper said in a distasteful tone. “She is one of those undesirable witches we spoke of. Nasty and greedy and more Mundanie than Erffer.”
“What should we do?” Parker asked.
“I suggest we wait to see what she is going to do. Maybe it's not about us and she is going somewhere else.” Logan suggested but even as he spoke the Witch was coming quickly towards them.
“Oh no.” Clopper started. “It’s Madam Windshaker. She is the Sandwich that took up with that ugly Troll Gruffrugger. This can’t be good. And look, coming towards us on the road. It is Gruffrugger himself. I hope you brought something to fight with.”
“Iron fight rocks Brother. Here is a slingshot for each of us and a bag each of iron balls. We should be ready just in case this Troll fellow wants a fight.” Parker advised hastily.
Suddenly a cackle came from above and the witch on her broom came circling down.
“Hey, Bro. Witches really do fly on brooms.” Logan spotted excitedly.
“Of course, they do. What else would obey them?” Clopper replied.
“Beats me. We don’t have any real witches in Mundania.” Logan replied.
“That’s too bad because like all things there are the good and then there are the bad and good witches can be very helpful. But more witches are or turn bad once they realized what their power is worth. I mean Mundie-Skyfaller Witches. Erf witches are not so tempted by greed.” Clopper explained.
“I take it Madam Windshaker is a Mundanie-Skyfaller witch,” Parker said.
“Worse. She is half Erffer and Half Skyfaller, which means she can jump back and forth from one world to the other whenever she wishes, and she can bring things back from Mundanie that shouldn’t come to Erf.” Clopper answered. “I wish the Hero would come back and get rid of her, but I think he is still off trying to find The Skyfaller King.” She added.
“Maybe that’s why we are here.” Said Parker. “We are akin to the Hero apparently though I don’t know how. Maybe we can be Heroes too. Maybe…”
Just then Parker was interrupted by the roar of an ugly, harsh voice from nearby down the road. Everyone looked toward the horrible noise and saw that Gruffrugger was blocking the road and stood right in the middle with his big stone club ready to bash anyone trying to get past him.
The Sandwich circled down and landed only a few feet away from the cart and took a few steps closer. If there was a new description for ugly/mean looking it would have been her and hag was nowhere near how ugly she was.
“So, my servant is correct. We have two new Skyfallers in Erf. Welcome, Logan and Parker. Would you be interested in coming to my sandcastle? I could use a pair like you, and I promise the rewards would be exquisite.” The Sandwich offered.
“No thank you. We are just trying to find our way home.” Parker declined.
“Well, I could help you with that. I come and go as I please and can take you with me the next time I decide to go to Mundanie.” Replied Madam Windshaker.
“Yah sure. Maybe you can but what would we have to do to get your help?” Logan asked challengingly.
“Not much. Very little actually and nothing here, in Erf.” The Sandwich answered in a clever tone.”
“Careful Boys.” Whinnied Trotter. “She wants more than something little. I guarantee it. Don’t even ask what it is. We will move on and find another way for you to get home. The long cut is always better than the short cut.”
“Yes. Equine is right, but what she hasn’t told you is that the long way may never lead back to Mundanie. You could wander about practically forever.” Warned the Sandwich thinking to gain points with the boys, but instead, she lost them.
“We shall risk the long way. It sounds much better than the short cut.” Replied Parker. “Now go away and tell your Troll to move out of our way or I’ll ping him with an iron ball and chip off his stony nose.” He demanded.
Chapter Eight
Of course, the long way would take longer and that was good. Parker was not in any hurry to return to his life in Mundanie and he suspected his brother felt the same, but still, he worried about his Mom and Dad, who would miss them if they never returned, which was silly in a way because anyone who has ever been to Erf knows that time stops on Mundanie for anyone who travels to Erf.
The Troll grinned, which was hideous to see and stood his ground until Madam Windshaker saw Parker arming his slingshot with a fairly large iron pellet.
“You might want to step aside Gruffrugger. I believe the little welp means what he says.” She advised her minion.
“No little Mundie welp can harm a big strong troll like me,” Gruffrugger said with a gravelly laugh, but just then Parker let loose the iron pellet and his aim was a bulls-eye or should it be called a Troll’s Nose, which broke off the Troll’s face with a snap and sent him chasing it across the field, bouncing, bouncing, bouncing until both the nose and its troll disappeared into the distant vanishing point.
Then Parker reloaded the slingshot with a blue pellet that looked a little like a marble but when the Sandwich saw it she hopped on her broom and flew off lickety-split. Parker was tempted to shoot the pellet anyway but decided the deed was done enough and he should save the magical little marble for another encounter with the witch or any nasty witch that might come along and mean them harm.
“That went well.” Said Parker.
“It did indeed young Mundie. You did well and face danger bravely.” Said Trotter.
“Me too. I was ready to fight.’ Logan piped up.
“Of course, you were. Any kin of the Hero of Erf would step up in the face of danger.” Clopper agreed. “But now we must hurry on.”
“Hurry on to where? I think nowhere in particular so there is no need to rush. Adventure will meet us along the way whether we hurry or tarry, so don’t pull to hard my beauties. Besides, I have no desire for this adventure to end. There is little for us at the end.” Parker said whimsically. “I would like to see this Carnival of Erf that was mentioned though.”
“Well, then that is where we shall go. Its many days from here and I am sure there will be more exciting happenings between now and then.” Said Trotter who took the first step forward with Clopper joining his gait a nanosecond behind and soon they were clip-clopping along at an even, steady pace.
The morning passed on without further incidents and when noon came along, they stopped for a rest and something to eat and it happened that Logan and Parker nodded off for a nap, which was very much like they would have done in Mundieland. And when they woke that is where they were, back in their bedroom, curled up waking from a nap.
For days and days and days, the boys seemed to care about nothing. They seemed lost in someplace that Mom and Dad could not see, hear or even sense though they were sure both their boys were caught somewhere in a thought.
Chapter Nine
One day, in a fittish temper Logan picked a toy truck off the floor and threw it then ran away into his bedroom with Parker close behind. Their Dad followed but when he saw them just sitting quietly on the floor in the middle of the room, he pulled the door to but did not close it tight.
“Hey Bro, we are back.” Parker shouted finding that he had awakened exactly where he had fallen into his nap so many days ago.
Logan was on his feet and dancing in happy circles when Trotter cleared his throat and asked, “Are you ill young Skyfaller?”
“Ill. No, I am very well. Did you not see that we went back to Mundieland for several days?” Logan replied.
“No. All we saw was you sleeping, but that is the way of you Skyfallers and we as Erffers, no matter how clever we are we do not understand that way.” Trotter answered.
“Well, we were home. But now we are back and ready to continue on our way to the Carnival.” Logan put in cheerfully.
I would like to tell you that Parker and Logan found their way to the Carnival without any more adventures but the truth is they had an enormously scary adventure that took then way off the road to the Carnival and into some very trying and dangerous escapades and it all started on a night when a terrible storm struck and they went in search of shelter, which they found but I am sure they would rather have braved the rain and the lightning had they know that the little adit they entered was the gateway to…well…I shall let you decide what to call it.”
It all started with a few drops of rain and distant thunder that slowly beckoned the storm their way and it began in the dead of night when they had settled in for a good rest after a fine and filling supper. It was Clopper, who disliked storms intensely who heard that first vague rumble come out of the west racing up behind them.
“Come. Come, everyone. A storm approaches and we do not want to get caught out in it. I am sure it is a witch’s storm since it is travelling faster than any wind can travel and I am sure it was conjured by Madam Windshaker. I just knew she would not let our last encounter go at nothing.” Clopper urged her companions nervously.
“Ok boys. We must listen to Clopper. She knows most about these things. Hitch us up. I know a place we can find shelter from the storm and we may get there before the storm is on us if we go at a solid canter.” Urged Trotter.
Parker dowsed the campfire while Logan hitched the ponies then the boys pack their gear and within five minutes they were making their way, not along the Easterly road but down a side path into a hilly area full of rocks and cliffs, grottos and small cave entrances but finally they came to an opening not made by nature. It was an adit that opened into a mine, though it looked abandoned.
“Come. I knew this place once before Lord Strebor D’Lanod freed me from my slavery. I hauled carts of rocks and iron every day until I nearly dropped from exhaustion. I never thought I’d come back but old memories, even nasty ones are better than getting caught in a witch’s storm. Trotter explained and just then a great flash of lightning lit up the sky and the thunder shook the earth of Erf.
Chapter Ten
They had barely entered the mine shaft when Clopper began shivering uncontrollably. “Oh. There is something terrible here.” She whinnied frightenedly.
Just then a witch’s cackled filled the mine and the shaft rumbled and suddenly the adit crashed down locking the travellers in darkness. Dust filled the shaft making them choke.
It was Logan who kept his head best and rooted through the contents of the cart, quickly finding a lamp hanging on the sideboard. He twisted the static igniter and a bright yellow light cast out the dark. There was still dust in the air, but it was settling, and he saw Parker laying still on the floor of the cave. “Hey Bro.” Logan cried out and ran to his brother and knelt beside him. Quickly he shook Parker's shoulder and after a minute Parker opened his eyes and sat up. A little trick of blood dripped down his face just to the right of his right eye. “Wow. What happened?” He said lazily … like you would after being knocked out.
“I am afraid the Sandwitch has trapped us in the mine shaft.” Answered Trotter. “At least she thinks she has but this is not the only way in and out, but it is a long dangerous trek to the other adit.”
“And there is something terrible here.” Clopper put in nervously.
Just as she spoke something from deep in the darkness of the mine shaft rumbled, the kind that could be taken for a bear waking from its winter hibernation or…
“Something stinks.” Parker announced, holding his nose, “Like garbage that got left behind on garbage day and like the time Dad burnt the hamburgers on the barbeque.”
“It smells like rotten eggs too,” Logan suggested.
“And I can feel heat coming up the shaft,” Clopper added.
“Well, we will find out what it’s all about soon enough since our only way out is to go deeper in. We would never be able to clear the rock away from this adit.” Trotter advised. “I will lead the way. I have a clear memory of how this old shaft goes. It is quite the labyrinth and there are many dead ends. One could get lost forever if they didn’t know the way.”
“But things change.” Logan reminded the old pony. “What you remember might no longer be the way it is.”
“The boy is right my dear.” Said Clopper. “But I can help. I have a sensitive nose and will be able to sense where good air is coming from.”
“What did they mine here?” Parker asked.
“Silver. A group of bad, bad Skyfallers came and opened the shaft. They enslaved hundreds of Groundies to dig for them and ponies to haul the ore out. They planned to take the silver back to Mundie land and get rich there but Lord D’Lanod stopped them and drove them out of Erf.”
“Then what happened?” Parker urged.
“I do not know except when the battle of the mine was over many of the Skyfallers disappeared in a humongous flash of light. Lord D’Lanod said they were sent back to Mundieland, but there were rumours that something else happened too.” Trotter answered, though there was something in his voice that said he had not revealed the whole story.
Chapter Eleven
The company went at a steady pace for almost an hour without incident and in silence, sniffing the air suspiciously and listening to the sounds that seemed to come from the direction they were going but in places with shafts breaking off to the left and right the sounds seemed to come from every direction.
Then they came to a wide, open cavern where the air grew to a rushing breeze that rushed in from three openings in the walls and one in the floor at the very heart of it.
Logan moved cautiously toward the opening in the floor and looked down. He saw that there was a path that coiled into the depths of the darkness, but there was more than darkness. There was the smell they had noticed earlier and a sound he could not put a name to and another he recognized as the deep growling.
“Let me guess. This is the way we have to go.” Logan groaned.
“Yes. That is the way to the other adit and that is where the Skyfallers were that disappeared in the great flashing.”
“What else was down there besides silver?” Logan interrogated.
“I can’t say I would know the answer to your question.” Trotter replied evasively, But, if Lord D’Lanod were here I am sure he would have something to enlighten us with.”
“But he is not here, so we must find out for ourselves.” Said Parker excitedly then added, “Isn’t that what adventures are all about?”
“It is a long way down.” Trotter groaned. “I am already weary. I suggest we rest for a little while then get a fresh start. Food and a nap are in order.”
“I agree.” Said Logan.
So, the company settle down to Lupper, which is a combined lunch and supper like Brunch is for breakfast and lunch.
How long they slept for had no answer, but in such a dark place, with lamp extinguished and napping on a full stomach you can guesstimate it to be for hours.
Clopper was the first to wake. A nervous whinny woke the others who quickly asked what the matter was. Clopper shyly admitted the dark frightened her so Parker relit the lamp and well he did because something very dangerous and silent came quickly to their eyes.
Snakes can be scary enough at any time but in a deep dark hole in the ground, with only a yellow lamplight to see by a white viper with long, long fangs and fiery red eyes can be downright alarming. Add to that the fact that it said, “What are you doing in my domain?” Well, you can understand why everyone jumped and was ready for a fight. Logan was the quickest at it and had his slingshot out and armed with a pellet in two blinks of a sun-filled eye.
“Hello, Slitherslider,” Trotter said in a calm friendly voice. “I must say you startled me, but it was brief.”
The snake, as big as ten metres long glared suspiciously at Trotter.
Chapter Twelve
“Slitherslider was my sire. He has passed long ago, murdered by others like those two whelps with you. I am Slipperyslider. But I seem to recall him telling me wonderful stories…and sad stories about a pony named Trotter. Would that be someone you know?”
“I am Trotter. Your father and I were close friends in those dark days.”
“Where are you going” Asked Slipperyslider.
“Down,” Trotter replied with an ominous tone in his voice.
“Ah, then you intend to visit Subterranean Erf. That’s brave of you. It is a nasty dirty place even if it doesn’t look nasty or dirty. But I suppose you will see it all for yourself. I personally have only been there once and the beasts mostly mutated Skyfallers and Gargoyles and Rock Dwarfs, tried to kill me. I have heard that my white skin and blue wings bring a fair price.” The viper hissed.
“You are a dragon.” Parker rejoiced excitedly.
“Lordy, Lordy no lady. I am a winged Viper, which is different from a Dragon. Dragons can only breath out fire and give their victims a good nip or swallow them whole if they are big enough. Vipers can not only breath fire but we…I can spit acid and have venom in my fangs. Vipers also have a much better disposition than dragons because well, we are the more intelligent of the two, but I must admit we are descended from those bulky beasts.” Slipperyslider hissed on delightedly and proudly. Unfortunately, I shall be the last of our kind since there is no mate for me.”
“How is the way down the shaft son of Slitherslider?” Trotter asked.
“There are bugs in the walls, but most are harmless. I would watch out for the white scorpions though. They are not deadly, but their nip is painful, and their venom can make a weak or young body very sick. And of course, there is always the chance you will run into a Gargoyle out hunting bugs for its dinner.”
“I have just the thing for bugs and scorpions,” Logan announced as he produced a stick with a flap of thick leather attached to one end that looked very much like a heavy flyswatter.
“Well, son of my old friend. You have given us some very useful information and you are as cordial as your father, but you have something incorrect. You are not without a mate, but you will have to go top side to find her. She lives near the Home of Strebor D’Lanod and he is a Skyfaller every Erffer can trust.” Trotter offered a bit of hope in return.
“I will one day venture out to meet this Princess of my kind,” Slipperyslider replied then wound his way into one of the shafts going straight out from the cavern.
“Well now, it seems all is good for the moment and we are not so blind as to what lies ahead.” Said Trotter. “And we are primed to move on and hope the distance is not great.” He added
“What do you think Slipperyslider meant by his contradiction, “It is a nasty dirty place even if it doesn’t look nasty or dirty?” Logan asked.
“The best answer to that is, Let’s go have a look and find out for ourselves. An adventure isn’t an adventure if you know everything before-hand.” Parker said cheerfully then led the way into the downward shaft.
Chapter Thirteen
There were indeed bugs. Lots of bugs. Blue, green, yellow, purple, red with black dots, black with red dots, multi-coloured bugs, big ones and mall ones. Bugs that stung, bit, stunk and got in their hair and fur, every one of them nasty and not one nice one at all, not even a ladybug. And as for the scorpions, well, they were about the size of mice and very aggressive and it was hard for the travellers to keep going having to spend so much time fighting them off. But as they came to the bottom of the shaft and they could see the light at the end of the tunnel the bugs and scorpions and the bats, I forgot to mention thinned out until the light became bright and all the creepy crawlers fled back into the dark. Later Parker would note, “I am not sure which is worse, creepy crawly things or dragons trolls, gargoyles and mutant Skyfallers” …and one very nasty fellow who was very much an evil man version of a witch, a Warlock.
But as Slipperyslider had mentioned Subterranean Erf did not look so nasty and dirty. In fact, it looked rather nice and bright and even clean on first impression.
When they came at last to the bottom of the shaft and stepped out into the light they found themselves on a natural parapet high above a valley much like the mountains of Mandieland but here the grass was sapphire blue and trees on the lower slopes of the distant mountains had purple ruby red and black leaves and the snowcapped peaks were pink.
There were four rivers running from the feet of the mountains into a lake in the centre of the valley and the water was various shades purple. In the middle of the lake was an island and on the island was a beautiful silver castle with windows framed in pearls and so many spires with golden rooves it was difficult to count them all. Circling the castle was a great wall with watchtowers all around and at the mouth of each river was a large village.
Circling in the sky were dozens of great blue dragons and everywhere were birds of every colour in the rainbow and more.
“How can such a beautiful place have such darkness attached to it.?” Said Clopper.
“Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it was dark once but has become wonderful.” Parker said wistfully.
“No lady. I can smell evil. Something is rotten under this opal coloured sky.” Clopper argued lightly.
“What could it be?” Logan asked.
“Look there. Beyond the Castle and high on the mountain slope. A murder of crows and with them a horde of gargoyles. They are descending on the castle and look, there are men on the battlements. I think we are going to witness a battle.” Trotter described.
“Look. The dragons are coming to meet the invaders.” Logan pointed.
But there was no battle. Suddenly out of the top of three mountains spewed clouds of smoke and great streams of molten lava. And then came the roar of the eruption and the ash that followed rained down on the crows and gargoyles. And all this happened so quickly it hard to believe it ever happened and the valley returned to its quiet, peaceful beauty.
“This is crazy. What does it all mean?” Parker asked.
“The only way we can find out is to go to the castle and ask.” Said Trotter.
Chapter Fourteen
“But how do we get off this cliff?” Logan asked as he looked about and saw that there were no paths or stairs, but even as he spoke something incredible happened.
There was a slight shudder in the cliff then it began, very slowly, descending.
“Well, who would have thought there would be an elevator in a place like this.” Said Parker.
“There are many magical instruments in Erf,” Replied Clopper.
“Erf is magical,” Logan said thoughtfully. “Parker and I are very different in Mundieland. I think it would be much better if we could stay in Erf forever.”
“Good for us maybe Brother, but I think not so good for Mom and Dad.”
When the lift came to the valley floor the company stepped off and as they moved off toward the castle the lift began to rise. “It seems one can come to Subterranean Erf easily but leaving might be more difficult unless you are here at just the right moment,” Trotter suggested.
“I think impossible. I doubt the lift goes up as long as there is any weight on it.” Clopper countered and was more right than wrong.
The journey to the castle was incredibly long, something like driving across a prairie at night toward a distant light that takes hours and forever to reach. In this case, being in the daylight the phenomenon was caused by the sheer size of the castle which was in itself as big as a mountain that reaches high above the clouds. It seemed they had walked forever but it was actually only a day’s passing when at last they stood at the threshold of the Castle Gate, a small aperture in comparison to its host.
There were no guards to greet them and Parker joked. “I suppose now we need a magic word to open the gates like open sesame.” He laughed.
“You could be quite right little Skyfaller, but that would not be the word.” Came a disembodied voice. “Then again you could just as easily pull on the chain to the right of the gate which will work better than any magic word.” It added with a hint of a chuckle in the voice. And suddenly, just inside the gate appeared a wizened fellow who looked very much like an old bent Hobo, but in fact, was the very character they were warned about. Was this Ledger De Main the Warlock of Subterranean Erf.
“We may want to consider bypassing this place,” Trotter suggested with an anxious whinny.
“But maybe this is where our adventure means us to go.” Logan countered, being intrigued by the very essence of the whole situation.
“Yes, I suppose that is a good point otherwise what would be the point of your sojourn to Erf,” Trotter replied. “So, go ahead. Pull the chain and let us see what awaits us beyond. Nothing deadly I hope.” Trotter agreed and an evil cackle filled the air, but it did not come from the Hoboish fellow.
He said, “Welcome. I am Sham the Butler.” The Hoboish fellow introduced himself dispelling any thought that he might be the Warlock.
“Is there a Warlock here?” Logan interrogated.
“Yes, and a Witch, who are the lord and lady of the Castle and Subterranean Erf.” Answered the butler.
“So, we enter a dark and dangerous place.” Replied Clopper.
“I would not say so. I have been here many a year and never found my masters to be Dark or dangerous. They have treated me and all who dwell within these walls well, but there is indeed something dark and dangerous that lurks in Subterranean Erf and soon something terrible will be upon us all.”
Chapter Fifteen
Logan pulled firmly on the chain and the iron gate began its ascent allowing the travelers to enter. Sham bowed respectfully then said. “Please follow me. I will see to all your needs and comforts and for the ponies, there is a grand and comfortable stable attended by the best stable boy in all the land. And when they wish I shall escort you to the presence of his Lord and her Ladyship.”
“Why is everyone in Erf, Logan pointed up, “So afraid of this Warlock?”
“Propaganda,” Sham answered without hesitation. “He stands firmly against the Skyfaller King and wants an end to his rule. A Skyfaller named Donald is trying to do just that, with our help of course, but we have not been able to find him. In the meantime, he, The Skyfaller King I mean does everything possible to keep us busy fighting off his tyrannical attacks. His resources seem endless.”
“Maybe we have come here to help,” Logan said thoughtfully.
“I don’t see how. You are Children.” Said, Sham.
“So too is Donald having been just eleven years old.” Trotter reminded.
“Hmmm. Point taken.” Sham replied then led them inward, around the castle to stables.
Even though the stable was the epitome of comfort and the stable boy was…seemed to be an excellent fellow if Groundhogs can be called fellows, Logan and Parker were reluctant to leave their companions behind. Things that look good on the surface are not always good inside, but there was little they could do but go with the flow. Of course, Clopper, who always seemed to have a sense of things assured them that at least for the moment she did not feel anything was out of sorts and started nibbling contentedly on a bucket of oats.
“Now that all is settled here,” said Sham cheerfully, “We can get you two tucked in comfortably and then it will be time for dinner. I am sure the Lord and Lady will be there, at least they have not said they won’t be. Come. Come. No time to tarry.”
At last, still reluctant but with not much choice Logan and Parker followed the Butler into the Castle. I remind you here that this particular castle was as big as a mountain so you can imagine the enormity of its interior and its diversity. It might be well that I explain that its interior was another world, a world within a world, within the expanse of Erf…The infinite realm.
Once the two brothers were led into the Castle the path to a whole new adventure opened before them which leads them to another adventure for inside, they found a city…Castlloma…and that my friends is a whole other story.
The Fantastilistic Twisticated Adventures
Of
Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff
The Earl Of Pantagrueliopolis
Introduction
Before I actually address the fantastilistic twisticated tale of his enigmaticouthynestic Lordship I must reveal a bit of him, though such is not easily accomplished since a bit would be about as helpful as a slotted spoon worked to empty the ocean. In a word or few I shall depict the nature of his Earlship. Radicalatiously Harlequinated Jesterfied Pathologicanated.
For the record I am Argle Bargle, his Earldoms personal Chronicler and reputationalist.
***
Pantagrueliopolis is a humongous city in the infinite Realm of Erf, a place you may well have heard of before in other writings by this author but in which his previous protagonist has never visited, at least yet, but one never knows what awaits around any corner turned.
It is a Metropolomeganous place that would require a separate tome just to offer a clear picture in words to describe it. One could say however that it is a multicultural and multi-era place that rambles from everywhere to everywhere to nowhere and slightly beyond and seems to have no borders. It falls under the rule of the King of Erf, in the Princedom of Telluria which is then subdivided into Earldoms a place in society in which Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff resides and administers the whats and wherefore of Pantagrueliopolis or should it be said he oversees those who do the actual work of administrating while he himself ventures out on some very Fantastilistic Twisticated Adventures throughout the Infinite Realm Erf where nothing is the least bit based on any accepted realistified world concepts.
It was the finest day in the month of May in the far-most northern climes of Erf could afford. And that means the sun was shining and it was neither cold nor warm, raining or snowing and no outer clothing save a nice wool sweater was required and of course trousers and shoes and socks and other garments to make one publicly presentable. But then presentable is relative and Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff could be construed as relative to the norm even in Erf. One might recognize him as more of a Jester or Harlequin than a lordly earl.
Lord Bindlestiff was having his morning tea, rose hip tea, in the garden patio where certain early blooming flowers were just waking with the morning sun and the bees were buzzing pleasantly. It was the first day tea out of doors was comfortable and his Earlship was soaking it all up like a thirsty dandelion readying to sprout its golden bloom. And there was creamy egg-salad spread thickly over a rice cake to stave off the morning “tummy growls”, as his lordship called it.
Now, before I go on I must remind you this is Erf not here in Mundanieland so normal things are considerably different and that is best because this story would not be so wonderful as it is if every things and every place in the dimensional kaleidoscope were the same.
Lord Bindlestiff was just finishing off a nice round egg-salad rice cake when a crow, a blue jay and a robin landed on his table next to bowls of seeds and worms specially picked out for their enjoyment. In fact, it was meant as payment for the news that they would report, and not just the everyday type of news which Gaberlunzie was not in the least bit interested in. His idea of news was some fantastilistic event that would require his intervention, whether asked for or not. And on this very nice spring morning the trio of Ornothalarians had just such wonderful news to deliver. But it did not come easily since birds as you know always want the first, last and middle chirrup, squawk or caw and all do so at once in their loudest voices.
Lord Bindlestiff quietly and patiently listened to their vocal ruckus until they finally realized his lordship was not paying them much attention. Then they all quieted and Gaberlunzie said. “Now Mr. Robin Redbreast, tell me your version of the news.
And while the other two birds nibble at their food the robin chirruped out his story. Then Gaberlunzie invited the Blue Jay to speak and finally the crow until he had all three versions of the news and sorted them all into a clear understanding of the occurring event.
I must point out that birds are prone to being a little wordy and his lordship was pressed to edit it to a practical length which was, “My Lord. It is told by heralds across the land that the Opolis of Meganor some distance north of here has been invaded by a band of bandits of a Trollish nature who ride on the backs of Snowsnakes and attack in the dark of night mostly but since it is said they are half Yeti they can with-stand the light of day if that is more convenient for them.
Meganoropolis has of course raised the red flag and its defenders have gathered but the leader of the band is a Skyfaller of a most hideous heart and thinks nothing of doing great harm and damage to the folks and the Opolis.”
“Then I shall set out immediately to travel there and lend what help I am able to rid Meganoropolis of this plague.” Announced his Lordship with enthusiasm extra-ordinaire as he rose purposefully from his chair, “Prepare my coach and my sledge and my dogs for the journey to the land of eternal winter and night, Gelida. I shall depart by the noon hour and press on til dark to get a good head start on the five day journey to Meganoropolis.” He ordered.
And so, in a flurry and a flash and a boisterous, “To Battle We Go”, from his lordship against the tolling of the great city clock chimes Gaberlunzie, his drivers and Valet and of course myself, his personal chronicler and reputationist set off on a mission of rescue. And even as we set out his Lordship said to me, Argle Bargle, make certain you get all this down in length. It shall be read for endless generations and I want the event clearly depicted so it becomes legend and not myth.”
A journey of five days may seem a distance, but you must take into account that our company was travelling by horse and coach and unlike some Mundanie movie films horses cannot pull a coach from dusk til dawn. In fact, they begin to weary after a few hours at 5 miles an hour and at best one could travel but 20 miles. However we changed horses once each day and rested overnight which allowed us the grand total of 40 miles a day, and the further north we went the less spring there was in the air and by the middle of the fourth day there was no spring and it was unlikely we would enjoy the warm climes it offers until we turned south when we vanquished the foe of Maganoropolis.
The snow came in the night just before the hour began the fifth day. Skis were applied to the wheels and the wheels locked in a stationary position. The horses pulled hard but could not go far before tiring and so in the last hours of our journey we took to travelling on foot in snow shoes, leading the horses until as the last light faded from the sky we arrived on the outskirts of Meganoropolis where we halted and took lodging at an Inn. Even in the dead of winter 200 miles south never had there been such cold nor wind to turn ones lungs to ice in a breath.
We learned quickly from our host that the ice and snow never melted away and that warmth outdoors was not freezing after a few moments abroad without layers upon layers of coating. To these northern it was spring time. I wondered how it was going to be possible for us to stand against beasts that were adapted to such climes forgetting for a moment that his lordship was always prepared for any and all contingencies.
Something occurred to me as we entered the city. In all the long journey we had seen neither Troll, Yeti nor any combination a such abominations. I took it upon myself to mention this to Lord Bindlestiff, but he just smiled and said. “Those who are weakly bullies tend to hide from the likes of us”.
“The likes of us” resounded in my mind and I snickered. Here we were, four coachmen dressed up like circus clowns, his lordship gleaming and beaming like a kaleidoscope harlequin decaled with gold and silver and ruby and sapphire speckles. And then there is myself, a portly fellow with tufts of hair sticking out from under a top hat and no hair whatsoever on top and lips twisted into a permanent smile a tux coat with tails of many colours. His lordship was obsessed with colours. Even the coach was painted with so many colours it was eye bedazzling.
We settled into our rooms, one for the coachmen and one for his Lordship and one for his valet and myself, all at the expense of the city which of course expected to be compensated in kind.
Before retiring I asked his Lordship what we should do next. “Since we have no idea where to search for this band of thugs it would do no good to go out in search of them so we will wait for them to come to us. I will go out and make sure the city has watches set everywhere and trumpeters to sound a warning.” He replied but just then those very trumpets blared loud and clear just outside our lodge and seconds later someone was hammering madly on his Lordship’s door and bellowing in terror.
“They have come. They have come to rob us blind again.”
At that Lord Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff donned his hat and buckle his sword and went out to examine the situation. He climbed to the top of a perimeter watch tower and looked out over the ice-scape and sure enough there came a dozen Troll/Yeti abominations riding on snow snakes but as his eyes settled on the advancing menace he began to laugh and when we, his entourage followed his gaze to understand his chortling we too began to laugh.
“My Lord. Why would a city this size be sore afraid of beasts no larger than an infant. As fierce as they appear….”
“Because my good Valet someone does not know their trolls and yetis from Gremlins and Ogres. But don’t let their size fool you. These creatures, despite their size can be very nasty if you don’t know how to deal with them.”
“Do you know My Lord?” I asked.
“I have some ideas I picked up in another time and place.” Lord Bindlestiff answered wistfully.
It was not long before the Lord of Meganoropolis arrived to inquire what, if anything Lord Bindlestiff was going to do about the band of bandits. My Lord replied in the most polite of Lordly fashions. “I will do whatever is necessary to do but at the moment I only see a dozen Gremlin Ogre crossed creatures with no leader of a Skyfaller nature. I suspect this is but a small band to discover who has arrived in your city.
“This few would be easily dispatched now rather than waiting for the larger numbers to come bash us.” Replied Lord Fembozzer Novish in a tone that was neither polite nor remotely amiable. “And maybe it would warn off the others.” He added haughtily.
“Or more likely it would anger the others and their leader, and they would make worse damage than ever. No, My Lord Novish. We must strike at the heart of the beast not the limb. Patience is our ally.” Lord Bindlestiff argued intelligently.
“I think the reputation and the legend are bigger than the man. I will send my own soldiers out to deal with this band of hooligans now.” Announced Lord Novish.
“You will bring disaster on then. Look to the East My Lord.” I instructed for on a hill there was raise a small army of not only Gremlin/Ogres on foot but large mustering of Trollish Yeti’s slithering forward on their Snowsnakes.
“You see Lord Novish. This is not the time to send out your men but time to man you walls with archers and spearmen.” Lord Bindlestiff advised.
“Of which I have only a few I am afraid. Such is the condition of my treasury that I cannot afford more defenders. Fifty spearmen and 25 archers is my limit.” Novish admitted sourly.
“Then we cannot endure a battle, but we can stave them off for a time until a plan of defense can be arranged. You do retain an illusionist?” Bindlestiff replied.
“Alas. He is owed a tidy bit and refuses to do more until he is paid.” Warned Lord Novish.
“Send him to me and I will convince him of his foolishness.” Lord Bindlestiff instructed and at that Novish scurried off like a worried chipmunk to do my Lords bidding.
“My Lord. You are yourself an Illusionist. Is there nothing you can do?” I inquired.
“Of course, there is Argle Bargle, but I needed Lord Novish gone so he would not see that I have tricks up my sleeve. It would not do to have the world know all my secrets.”
I laughed. Lord Bindlestiff always seemed to have answers as well as tricks up his sleeve and a few oddities that came out now and then that one must wait to see…or would that be witness. I was always amazed when he goes off on a verbal tangent speaking gibberish which he calls speaking in tongues. Then one day whilst meandering in a place in the out-reaches of Erf called Yukersnok he began speaking Gibberish and everyone but me understood every word. I learned that day not to question him on his oddities because I would most certainly end up eating my words which is a very real possibility according to Lord Bindlestiff if one is in the right place.
“So, what exactly do you plan for these bandits?” I asked.
Lord Bindlestiff bent a huge smile on his face and said, “Something most extra-ordinary but I will need my counterpart illusionist here to make it work. Please go off and make sure Lord Novish has sent him along. I believe his name is Blatherskite. Be sure to tell him it is I whom requests his presence. He will give no argument, but he will be a tad shy.”
I set off to find Blatherskite curious as to why he sent me instead of a page or a coachmen and for that matter why he sent me at all, but as I wound my way through the streets the answer came to me, an answer he had already given me. Lord Bindlestiff did not want me to write into these journals to particulars of his clever illusion to fend off the bandits. And I must say I was a little put aside over the matter and thus turned away from my mission and slipped back to witness whatever he was up to and it was a spectacular ordeal for I never knew it of My Lord, that he was much more than an illusionist, he was a magician and shape-shifter.
I got back just in time to see Lord Novish and Batherskite meet with Lord Bindlestiff. The three spoke for a moment then the two illusionists walked away from the Lord of Meganoropolis. Novish did not seem too put out. In fact, he hurried off to seek the sanctuary and safety of his palace. I decided to stay out of sight but keep close. I think Lord Bindlestiff spied me out though because he had one of those knowing smiles on his lips when we spoke later of the events that I tried to play dumb about. The version of the events that occurred are my own. My Lord’s was a little scant and if-ish.
The vanguard of Gremorgres scurried off the road as the snow-snakes carried their riders toward the gates of the city. But as the invaders drew closer the gates closed, but that did not stop the snakes from slithering over the wall and that could have been horrific but just then a great emerald and ruby dragon rose over the lip of the wall spewing out a flame of blue white fire melting the vipers from beneath the riders. And then the gates opened, and a herd of buffalo charged the falling Trollish Yeti who ran for their lives, but few escaped the stampede.
And it seemed that all would be resolved but forgotten was the true leader of the brigand gang, a Skyfaller who dropped from the sky diving toward the dragon in a fighter plane that spit out trails of firey lead, most of which fell harmlessly melted aside.
A moment later the dragon and the plane collided, and both crashed to the ground in a ball of dust and roars. And when the dust settle two Skyfallers climbed to their feet and though both staggered faced each other with sabers in hand, ready it seemed to fight to the death. To my surprise it was Blatherskite who had taken up arms against his own patron a fact that Lord Bindlestiff seemed unsurprised over.
“Is this what you have come to old friend. Nothing but a brigand in a land neither of us should exist in.”
“I did not come here by choice. I don’t think any of us do save the one that calls himself the King Of Erf. But I am here nonetheless and play the roll his Majesty dictates or I suffer the consequences.”
“You were not brought here by him my friend, but he has manage to blind you. Chance brought you here but there is one who could send you back if you chose. All you need do is seek him out.”
“Who?”
“The Skyfaller boy.” Said Lord Bindlestiff. “And if you go now to seek him out I will sheath my saber and let you go, but you must swear to return to Mundania as soon as circumstances allow.”
Blatherskite gave no reply. He simply vanished and if things can be guessed at that he kept the promise I should say he did since he has never been seen anywhere again in Erf. Then all Blatherskite’s minions vanished. I wondered if it was all an illusion as much of Erf tends to be except that stuff and those folks who are indigenous.
But I should say or remind you now that Fankle Blatherskite is not an entirely unknown entity. In fact, he hold a very important place in the rendering of many a tale concerning Erf and Skyfallers.
Lord Bindlestiff regarded me with a kindly nod as I joined him by the city gate. I asked, “Are all Skyfallers evil?” He laughed allowed and asked in reply. “Am I evil?”
It was my turn to laugh. Then I said, “It is a time of antiheroes My Lord and evil has become a relative ideal.”
“You have wisdom in you Argle Bargle, but your stories do prattle on sometimes.”
“So, you do read them.” I replied excitedly.
“Of course, I do since you make me out to be something of a hero…rather…antihero and I do appreciate it, but I am but a cog in the ethereal wheel, as you are, but you are an enigma my friend since you are an Erfarian by creation.”
“My Lord. It is worried about that Erf is nothing more than a figment of someone’s imagination which means…” I was proclaiming before Lord Bindlestiff interjected.
“As might be the whole of the universe. None will ever know I think because if such is the case when the figment rains away only the Imaginator will be left.”
“Then what?” I asked ponderously to which Gaberlunzie Bindlestiff responded with his usual shrug of the shoulders.
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