Chips(Kevin Hughes) I admit, I am a little nervous. I took my Chip Assessment today. My Mom wasn’t kidding when she said it would take all day. Christ, I have been here since six AM, and it is now six PM! They did let me have a light lunch. At the beginning of every session they made us do five minutes of jumping jacks, two whole body muscle tightening isometrics, one minute of deep breathing. Then they made us eat half an orange (or apple) five cashews, and one minute of breathing oxygen thru a cannula…only then could we start the session.

None of us had more than the standard “Three Chip Package.” You know, one for languages, one for math, and one for color. We all got them when we turned two years old. I remember what it was like to suddenly understand any of the one hundred channels on my HUD. (I named my HUD - Benny) I mean Benny would just pick a language for me to watch a program in…say, Spanish, or Chinese, and I knew it. I can’t imagine what it was like in the Dark Ages when you had to use a Central AI (they called them Googles way back then) to search word by word…and no meaning at all in your head. It must have been horrible. Speaking only one language, and always with an Accent.

Of course, Accents are only used by Actors nowadays. Nobody with a Chip Package has any accent in any language. Some folks try to speak with an accent, but they are either just full of themselves …or they are Poets. Poetry is best read with an accent. Any other time tho, and it is just a waste of time. The Math one comes in real handy. There are no more misunderstandings about what the Numbers mean, or tell. Everyone understand the Universal Language of Science…Math.

That Chip males it fun finding things like the Fibonacci sequence in a Sunflower, Pineapple, or Nautilus Shell. And making the connection between each of those spirals and the Golden Ration…well, it opens your eyes to how much Math is in the real world. Plus it is so much fun to be able to do a Lorentz transformation in your head…rotating the entire grid as it is bent by space time, but not changing any of the distances or angles. Such fun!

The color chip…well, nobody wants to go back to the mere million or so colors an Chipless brain can see. Art really booted up after those Chips became available. Not only can we see color with the Color Chip…we can also “hear” color. And feel it too. I wonder what an old timer would think if she knew what red sounded like, and how it felt. My Grandmother says her mother watched shows in only Black and White! On something they called a TV. Which, I guess, was something like a stationary HUD in a box that you couldn’t move easily. Barbarians! They didn’t have Head’s Up Displays, except in something called “Fighter Planes.” Whatever those are. I may have to get a History Chip and check it out. I will use my Temp Slot for that tho…I would hate to have History as a Main Chip.

Or the Warrior Chip. Yikes! The work they have to do on their bodies if they get chosen for a Warrior Chip…four minute miles, lifting three times your body weight (fifty times!) and being able to do an Iron Cross for an hour…and then run a 100 Meters in six seconds. I mean that stuff is incredible. They have to be so flexible they can squeeze into a suitcase…although why that would be necessary I will never know. The understand all of that Martial Arts stuff and are Masters of even the difficult ones like Krav Maga.

Although my Dad’s friend who got the Warrior Chip says that Krav Maga is not a Sporting Martial Art since it doesn’t care one whit about the opponents. Just to inflict the most pain and injury …and death…as quickly and efficiently as possible. No tournaments for Krav Maga practitioners…only survival. Sheesh. That guy scares the bejesus out of me. Luckily Warrior Chip Initiates also have to learn all those Conflict Resolution Techniques too. So very rarely do they ever have to get Physical. I have never seen a fight…or been in one. I wouldn’t want one of those beasts coming after me.

I can’t get a Warrior Chip anyway…I am not tall enough, and don’t weight enough. Six foot four and two hundred twenty pounds in the minimum for a Warrior Chip to be installed. And those numbers are not very common. Women can be six foot one, and one eighty…and that is not a common body type either. Most of those kinds of superior physical specimens are usually given a Sporting Chip. Like my old Girlfriend Melody. She got Assessed for her Chip last week. She is going to be in the WNBA. I will buy her Jersey for sure.

Already she can take both me and Daryl on - two against one- and spot us six points out of ten…and still win ever game. Of course her Chip isn’t fully functional yet. She still has to get her body up to speed, just like the Warrior Chip Folks. Watching those Sport Chip initiates play is like watching a Video Game on FAST FORWARD. Melody said it was nice to meet all these folks six foot six like her…but she still says all the Cute Guys are short. We will be friends for life…but I think her and Daryl will eventually get the Compatible for Life Chip. You only get one of those, and it is for life. I wouldn’t want one of those either.

The folks that get those make wonderful partners, great parents, and make a good team…but boy oh boy, when one of them dies…there isn’t a Chip made that helps them with their loss. I don’t want one of those Chips. It is better to skip the Romance Chip and go through life with people around you in context. Like Melody and I. High School and College were a lot of fun for us…but she is headed out to Play Pro Sports…and I haven’t been told what Chip I am to get yet. So we will stay in touch, but travel in different circles. It hurt for a bit, but we both moved on. And if her and Daryl decide someday to get the CFL Chip…I will be at the ceremony.

OH. They just called my Name. I am to meet with the Advisor now. Wish me luck.

*****

I can’t believe it. Of all the CHIPs I thought I might get. This one never even crossed my mind. Universal Friend Chip. What an Honor. It is the Chip that changed Politics. If you have the UFC Chip…you remain judgement free when you listen. And you get to solve problems between people, or businesses…or, after an Apprenticeship with the UN , Countries. Both Melody and Daryl sent notes on my HUD. They weren’t surprised at all. As Melody said: “You were always carrying around an outraged sense of Fairness…and you are the kindest person I know. On top of that, you listen, I mean really listen to people.”

Daryl chimed in with: “Yeah, talking with you is like having a salad bar for your soul.”

I told them they were going to give me an Ego. They both laughed. “You never had one, and once they put that CHIP in…well, you can’t have one.”

That’s true. Universal Friend Chips don’t allow you to think you (or anyone else for that matter) is better than anyone else. The best part of getting a UFC Chip is that you get to be a child for the first part of training. Kids say things with no malice, no intention to hurt, and with absolute honesty. So I get to play with others as the Chip integrates with my brain.

I wonder if I will end up as a Chaplain to the Warrior Chip holders. My Dad’s friend used my HUD to invite me to a decompression debriefing from some Warrior Chip Holders who are turning in their Chips. That sounds interesting. Of course the Chip will help me deal with them immediately, but I couldn’t really work with them until I get my Childhood Play Protocol done.

Well, one thing at a time. The Chip is feeling out my brain right now…and I am doing the same. It just made me laugh. It has named me “Buddy”. And Benny thinks it is great we kept all our names with a B. I think I shall call my Chip…Beauty. You know, keeping with the B’s!

Time to go Play.

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