Best Friends(Paligirl) I didn’t know, not at first. Something inside me just- snapped, almost like a climax to a song, a good song. There was this great sense of clarity and I wanted to tell someone, anyone. If I had been near a city corner at the time I’m sure I would have run up to a stranger and told them, would have let the words dribble from my lips like a tumbling mess. But I wasn’t in the city; I was sitting out on the deck admiring the scenery of the late afternoon sun, watching from afar as families, friends, lovers, drifted off the beach and into their cars.

I pictured her and there it was, my answer. The answer to why no one else could stick around, the reason why all my other dates fell through the cracks of my denial. I saw her hair, flowing, reminding me of a daffodil flower. I saw her lips, so perfectly pink and plump. And then her eyes, they were drawn before me in my third eye, they were so very present in my mind that I swooned at their realistic ocean blue glow.

I didn’t know, not at first, and it frightened me- scared me, because I was lost in a heavy fog of uncertainty. I tried digging through that fog, tried peering above and under it in vain attempts to understand, to understand that I’m just the tiniest bit crooked. I’m not set in a straight line when it comes to her, I'm thrown in all directions and drawn up and down, side to side- never straight, never the same as everyone else.

To be different never frightened me before. To stand outside the crowd never shook me with a ridged shock. But being near her, feeling that heat, that warmth of her body and that scent of her neck, I felt so very different, pushing against the current of my sheep-like peers.

I wish she wouldn’t stand so close to me. I wish she wouldn’t look at me, because she knows not what she does- these emotions, they rock and shake inside of me and I get seasick with desire and affection. That should have been my first sign, but I ignored it all, I stayed with the herd, I moved comfortably with my blinders on. I was dead set on not letting that feeling seep into my pores. Don’t let it in! A voice would shout... Don’t feel! Don’t long to touch! I drove myself past insanity, past the normal realm, and skyrocketed into madness.

But that day, on the deck, I finally let it settle in, let the notion of crookedness take hold. And I held it inside, a secret, a deadly secret that was mine to keep and guard, but not forever…


--//--


She is sweaty.

It’s after her soccer game. I waited around because that’s what friends do, they wait and stay. She told me it would be okay to wait in the locker room; her teammates have long gone home. It is just the two of us. She scored two goals today, I’m proud of her, I boast about her whenever I can to anyone.

She is very sweaty, I can tell by the drenched look of her yellow uniform and shiny dampness on her forehead glowing in the locker room lighting. She opens her locker and throws in her cleats, they make a heavy bang and it echoes through the empty room. She unties her hair and runs a hand through it thoughtfully.

I’m sitting down on the bench across from her, watching and licking my suddenly dry chapped lips. Here it is again, the emotion, it is creeping up out of my chest, burning brightly- so much in fact that I’m surprised she hasn’t noticed.

"Laela?"

I like the way she says my name. No one can say it right anymore, not the way she does. She can make it sound like something beautiful, like a poem or a song.

“Yes?” I ask, crossing my legs and keeping my clammy hands together and resting in my lap.

“I’m glad you came…” She smiles, the creases around her eyes crinkling and her lips curving up in an adorable act of thankfulness.

Blood pools into my cheeks and I shrug, “No biggie,” I whisper.

“It is big, I know you hate sports and all. But it means a lot knowing you’re in the crowd… watching me.” She confesses closing her locker and turning to face me fully. She is holding her towel and toiletry bag, standing as if waiting for something more, waiting for me…

My dry mouth closes shut and I feel everything, nervous and anxious more than anything. She stares, ocean eyes brimming with a specific desire I do not know, but in a flash it is gone, in a flash she regains her silly optimistic nature and laughs. She begins to walk away, her socked feet sliding against the cement flooring. In a rush of adrenaline I stand up suddenly.

“Julie!” Her name on my lips feels nectar sweet.

Not saying a word, not wasting a moment of meaningless conversation that may make me back out of this decision, I take three long strides and grab hold of her hips, tightly. My lips collide harshly with hers and our teeth hit. She feels hot and the sweat on her back is slick as I run a hand up her shirt.

She smells like grass and dirt, but I’ve never felt more aroused in my life. I take charge, backing her up against the locker. As soon as her back hits it she drops her towel and toiletry bag. Her hands are in my hair before I know it, gripping my brown locks with a fierce clamp. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t care… I just… lips to lips, teeth against teeth. We fight each other. She starts to pull back, I press her forward. I’m not letting her go. It’s taken me so long to realize…

My face between her neck and shoulder, that space I’ve wanted to touch for so long is mine. I’m greedy, tongue and teeth they are used for different things now. She gasps, and I decide- there is nothing better than that sound. I'm animal- hands up the front of her shirt and teasing with invisible lines across her stomach. Lips to her chin now, I let her hold my shoulders. She smells like outside, reminds me of summers deep in the forests of Tennessee.

A muffled cry of, “No,” against my mouth shocks me into letting go. Julie places a small hand to her forehead and sighs, out of breath. I stand back, my hands balled up into fists and chest rising and falling- matching her breathless rhythm.

“God,” She confesses, “No, God no, I don’t wanna be a Katy Perry reference.” She hisses to herself. Her eyes still closed and one of her fingers running over her lips she shakes her head.

I could run, the thought teases me. I could just run and not face her. I could run to the parking lot, jump into my car and drive away. But no, leaving Julie here, confused and mixed with feelings wouldn’t be right. But standing in silence in a smelly locker room isn’t getting us anywhere either.

Julie finishes her small panic attack and watches me with her blue eyes, “Why did you do that?”

Because I wanted to, because I’ve always wanted to, and you mean more to me than you should- mean more to me than what is best friend appropriate.

“Impulse,” I say, “Just on… impulse. Julie, I’m…” What? What am I? Not sorry, that’s what I am- not sorry.

“I think you should go.” She states plainly, staring intently at the ground.

I feel as though a pair of hands are squeezing my lungs, for a brief moment I do not move.

To go, to leave, to not look back. I turn on my heel and walk away feeling dazed.


--//--


Misery becomes me, a day later and I haven’t done anything that involves thinking, moving, or doing... I have become a slug. Julie’s brother called this morning; he noticed Julie acting strangely and inquired about it- I denied having any idea what could cause her to act so peculiar. Lying is easy with practice.

Now, I’m flipping channels on TV- nothing is on, of course. The local news is showing clips of yesterday’s soccer game. It was a big win for our county. I sigh heavily, body falling – sagging into itself like an exhale- when I see a quick soundless shot of Julie scoring a goal. Julie is smiling, and although only in a baggy soccer uniform I notice how womanly she has become. She looks good, very curvy and definitely not the girl I met in the 6th grade.

My phone vibrates, breaking my thoughts; I slide it open and hit the view selection.

"Meet me at Seaview Elementary after dark....J."

I reply without really thinking- my heart in my mouth, my adrenaline pumping- I reply with a quick okay and fall back into the couch.


--//--


I feel like an idiot. Both hands gripping metal chains and feet crunching mulch, I sit on a swing with my head down- alone in the dark at Julie’s old elementary school. It’s around seven thirty and there’s no sign of her anywhere. (Heart down- disappointment rings out truer than any other emotion).

I hear a dog bark and police siren in the distance. A sudden chill (like ice) makes me shake, tremble- for my own heartsick nature. Oh God, I’m so melodramatic.

"Laela?"

-Like a song, like a poem, she is here, saying my name, and I feel a wild heat of pleasure pool into my stomach.

"Yeah?"

“I’m late, I know, I’m sorry.”

I shake my head with a small smile and dry laugh, “Doesn’t matter…”

She takes the swing next to me and stares at our shoes. “I feel kinda stupid,” She admits thoughtfully as she begins to swing back and forth slowly.

"Why?” I ask, mimicking her- swinging back and forth.

“Because I was a jerk…”

In the dark as we swing side by side she looks angel-like, her blonde halo and white blouse proving my point. The sound of the metal chains and constant squeak of the old swing set fills me with child innocence.

“A jerk?” I question with a raised brow.

She stops swinging suddenly, plowing her feet into the brown wet mulch, she stops and turns to me, I stop swinging as well and we face each other.

"I told you to leave," She whispers.

“You were confused, I was the jerk… I k-kissed you.”

Julie turns her face to the sky, to the half moon and dim stars- she shuts her eyes and opens her mouth, as if wanting to say something but… but-

“Yes,” She says after a long moment, “You kissed me.”

“I like you…” I blurt out, a gust of air rushing out of my lungs.

Julie smiles, eyes still closed.

"Okay."

Astonished, I let my mouth hang ajar. "Okay?!"

Julie swings to my side, grabs hold of my metal chain and pulls me to her sharply- and then just lips-

Just her lips to mine.

(end)

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