THE MYSTERY OF LIFE(Diane Uwamariya) ‘There’s one thing I’ve noticed throughout this life; one acquires a holistic approach to different situations because one situation is similar to another. Human beings seem to cope with the emotions that the amygdala conveys, and create habits, thus personalities. But those are just my views.’ Janet’s opinion on people’s lifestyle

She is the Research Scientist at a regional organization; I was watching one of Janet’s (Not her real name) interviews on YouTube about human consciousness and got interested in such conversations subsequently, I sent her a letter requesting her to spare some time with me and enlighten me more about the topic. I was surprised to get her positive feedback within five days after the request.

So St Paul’s Chapel Garden, Kigali. A green, serene place to be and pour one’s heart out, is the place we met.

She was wearing a casual gray dress and a black scarf around her neck. She spotted me and walked towards me with a smile on her face. She hugged me tenderly like a mother and her daughter. She grabbed my hand and we walked down in the garden and chose to sit under a big old tree where we could see the crepuscular rays coming through. She brought a picnic blanket to sit on, snacks, fruits, water, and an umbrella. We began with a prayer.

“Perhaps words could express beneath all the muted voices, deep down my soul.” She stated in a style with a smile like she is ready to launch something deep

“Before diving into the topic, I first want to share my story with you” she intimated

The relationship between us as a community of the Kageyo Sector was not socially smooth. However days could go on and people got used to, the hatred, injustice system, ethnicity-based mistrust, killings, and so on.

“When things like that happen at a young age, you think that it’s normalcy because you don’t have any other life to compare it to, and it destroys you completely and you learn to live in pieces. The truth is not said, justice is not served, emotions are not expressed, the pain is not released, and only fear can be felt and cultivated. You can’t possibly identify what makes happiness different from survival, highest or lowest level of it.” Janet narrated.

In a family of 10 children, being among the 3 kids who were able to access education – the only girl I point out, wasn’t something regarded as ordinary, rather a luxury. Yes, poverty was implicated but with political instability due to poor leadership motivated by ethnicity mistrust – the height, the nose shape, forehead, dim things that really shouldn’t matter in a society.

“The new generation cannot understand how hard we fought for our basic rights.” She emphasized with argumentative hands.

“When something is available, accessible, and acceptable to you, you enjoy it right?” Janet asked, looking me in the eyes. “But it is somewhat natural that you don’t cherish it because it’s rightfully yours and you don’t need to be a shark hunting its prey in order to earn it and keep it.” She narrated to my widely opened eyes.

We couldn’t dare to set goals for above 10 years. How would we know that we’d still be alive? The only dream I had was to grow up, be a high school graduate, be a teacher, and perhaps build a family. Teaching was a very noble job of the day, I aspired to be.

All these dreams are quite impressive until something superlative shuttled, not only taken but abruptly and brutally whisked away, and the soul is wrecked. You begin to see how you lived a fancy and irreversible life. The only thing that dawn reminds you of, is coldness and the inability to relive the best moments of your past, but at least another day closer to dusk and death. I realize what we called cut and dry days now have turned into the most extraordinary, because they live forever in my heart.

I got married on November 25, 1991, and had my first child, Emily exactly nine months after. A peaceful jolly girl ever to exist! It was like holding the magical heavens in these small arms. What can I say? God’s beauty personified. It was way more than human love.

Time always reveals the reality, whether we’re ready to face it or not.

Two years later, the mass slaughter began. The worst things that mankind can think of can sometimes be a very normal thing. People were being killed; I mean walking – breathing – conscious people were taking their neighbors, relatives, classmates, acquaintances’ lives away. To me, it seemed like the entire world split.

It was a bright cold Thursday in April, the fog was ponderously falling from the sky that we could barely see in front of us and birds were singing loudly from the tall trees. The guns blazes and the screams of the people were loud that one would think it was an apocalypse- which it was to say so.
The elder children were playing while we were all lost and the world was becoming smaller and smaller in one’s eyes; we could hear them squealing as only children do. “The toughest day of my life, I cannot erase it from my mind.” Janet disclosed, fiercely squeezing her hands and glancing at the trees like she was having flashes of the faces she was describing to me behind the leaves.

For quite a couple of times, I didn’t want to run or save my life. Janet continued, I felt so desperate, defeated, and distressed by what was happening; I just wanted to get my child baptized so that the Lord would welcome us into his dwelling, however, my husband forced me to get away. He had faith from whatever the high powers I don’t know. “We shall be fine, I have a friend of mine who can hide you and Emily for a couple of days, and don’t worry about me, I’ll see what I can do;” unaware that the friend was number one on killer’s list to be in our neighborhood.

When you’re taught that you do not belong where you are for some time, told you have no right to live, it becomes easy to be taken in shadow and death quickly.

No one could think that the worst nightmare could last longer than a day or two, and at a certain time, no one dreamt of light, peace, and life. The soul was taken before the body.

“We seemed all dead inside. Everyone looked hopeless; we were running, all panting, women whimpering from rape, and babies crying out of hunger. Each one dies with a little bit of you, it goes with them. I had started to lose any patience that was left in me.” Janet narrated wiping her nose with a white handkerchief.

There’s always this gaping hole of emptiness in your everyday life. During the day you can cover it up. You can get busy, focus on work, and think about other things, but the moment the distraction passes, and it’s night, and quiet again, the gaping hole returns. It’s always waiting for you – you are living in two worlds like someone walking on two railways at the same time, one foot in the present moment and another in the past; one is seen and another is felt.

“If love was enough, I would have kept them alive. But see, I don’t write people’s life journeys, and trying to understand God’s way, is humanizing him, which is condescending. Despite my best attempts to understand and contemplate his ways, I completely failed.” Janet said

As we were sharing, I contemplated; how was this God-fearing woman going through a kind of hell on earth? Why wasn’t He answering his people’s prayers? Those questions kept lingering in my head.

"Unfathomable tumultuous 100 days. – Janet proceeded; all acquired perceptions exemplify the truth. The numberless thoughts which we seem to know directly about the length, meaning, and subjective effects around us, come to sway.

The following year, we were in preparations for our second child, a wonderful boy, Boris; a light in the darkness, indescribable joy of my life, quite a portrait of his father.

But throughout the pregnancy, I encountered traumas, despair of everything, loneliness, hallucinations of my lost family – for some reason I thought, I would see my mother again. I guess I desperately needed her more than I ever did before. Back in mind, I wanted to tell her about my fears; I needed her strength! The living part was for my husband and my babies, and another died with the innocent lives slaughtered. I was no more, just like a lost soul.
Every survivor had to do everything at the same time; live, work, and hope for a normal life that was left in pieces. I mean, do the impossible. I remember being angry at two of my friends who died in the following three years and I was always thinking about why they would give us a hard time to feel like we’re together and for them to leave us in thin air? They should have left with others! We didn’t have any space and time to feel any more grief, it should have happened once and for all.

I could hear the choice of Janet’s words, how they all indicated anger, frustration, and agony, and I totally understood her.

The void was big and loud. Janet carried on; my husband was always dedicated to working hard, and providing for the family, like someone who still has a vision. He could go and spend months abroad, then come back for like 5 days and go back.

The solitude grew bigger and I too had to work because almost everything that we had built was shattered. I started looking for shelter; I joined prayer groups and started a Bachelor’s in Psychology. I wanted to understand, the logic behind human behavior and what motivates his doings, perhaps get an insight into what really led the society to the Holocaust.

The mind is highly complex. The truth is that we often know shockingly little about our own minds, and even less about the way others think. It is not enough to say that such knowledge is beyond the grasp of human intelligence.

After one year and a half, I became Office Secretary to a family friend who was also self-entitled to be holding this position where people needed him. And that was my first job. Life can be unfair and some people can inflict unbearable pain to the fresh wounds.

I was paid 45$ per month working 50 hours per week in addition to being verbally abused, but I was dedicated and committed to my work that within two years I moved to a bigger organization in the region and started traveling, speaking in the regional meetings – I’ve seen the power I had over the audience. The power resided in me! I seemed to have found balance and control of life, still, as Hugor Victor said, “they're not where they used to be, but they're everywhere I am” whenever I was standing in front of people, I felt their energy right beside me. It wasn’t that simple, managing the duality was so challenging.

It’s amazing how kids can grow so fast, they were all attending primary school. Whenever I could, I helped them out with their homework and that’s basically the only time we’d interact.

The last born claimed my full attention, but I couldn’t manage work, class, prayers, and social life without being absent for a while, which destroyed our relationship to date, if only had he known that lifting that veil of gloom is inexplicably enormous. For him, I chose everything else over him, but that is not true, most of the time I see myself in him and much better than I’ve ever been.

The afternoon kicked in and Janet offered me snacks, “I know you’re hungry and probably bored by my stories, ain’t you? Janet asked

“No, Not all. I’m blown away by your story” I affirmed

One day I went to my mama’s house (which is no more, because houses were also demolished at that time) with my kids and we had a little conversation – Janet continued

“Mummy, you used to live here?” Emily inquired

“Yes. With my family, my mother, and siblings”

“Oh! You too have a mom? We’ve never seen her” we hadn’t had any conversation about our history, origin, or any about death & life. I thought they were too young to understand and I guess they thought I was someone who descended from above like maybe an alien or some kind

“She is in heaven now. We can’t see her for now, but someday we’ll”. That’s my hope anyway

“Then why did you bring us here if we can’t see her?” That’s a complex question, should I say that somehow I connect with them through the environment? Cause I can still smell their scents, hear their laughter, and see their faces right here.

‘The revival of a feeling varies with its strength; the number of times it has been repeated in occurrence. It is easy to remember the taste of something that is intensely sour or sweet, something that has touched your soul. And a very severe pain leaves a mark in memory which lasts long after the traces left by aches and discomforts have disappeared.’ Janet pointed out, words flowing out like she was reading it from somewhere

“Well, I thought you wanted to see where I come from?” I posed the question to my kids

“We do, but it’s an empty space, there’s no one whom we can play with” I simpered but in fact, that made sense to me and I never brought them there again.

Recently, I needed therapy services, I have an aunt who happens to be a therapist but I couldn’t confide in her because we’d both be blindsided by the dual relationship, so I went to see Dr. Julie. She’s really good at what she does. – Janet proceeded

In her office, there were therapy-related books on the shelves, along with a laptop. Just like a standard setup of a bureau, the walls were painted pink, we were both seated on chairs but hers was against the wall and she was looking me in the eyes.

She welcomed me as if we’d met before. Maybe to break the ice and it made me feel at home like I owned her, I alone.

“Tell me what brings you here today” the question seemed to come out of a left-field

I can’t find sleep, and have lost appetite_ I told Dr. Julie but that’s the least to say, at that time I was forgetting things easily and wanted to be alone all the time. Then I began to tell her about my lack of emotional connection with my husband which disturbed and left me like an abandoned empty house.

One hour later, I saw some of the psychiatric inpatients. They were young (under 28 years of age, my daughter’s agemate) and they seemed having good times there. They were playing volleyball. I stared at them for like 2 minutes before one of them spotted me and waved at me to show me that he noticed my presence, but it was hard to tell because I couldn’t see very well. It was like looking through the windshield of a car without its wipers on during a rainfall, I was sobbing.

There’re things science doesn’t elucidate, especially when it comes to your family, I find it very logical when in other fields like medicine they refuse a doctor to treat their relatives because the emotions have nothing to do with science, questions popped in my mind like what on earth could possibly make a child lose peace in mother’s hands. What kind of mother am I if I can’t make my kids feel loved and bring them joy? – Janet blowing her nose. “Like what is love, if it can’t restrain all the fears and sorrow away, yet it is believed to be powerful? Does it make sense to you?” she wondered

How do I let my kids know that I love them madly? How do I let them know that I took my distance from them trying to survive? That my wish for them is to live a happy and fulfilling life, to find their way, and leave their own footprint on the earth. Because they were my strength to emancipate myself from that door of death; everything I do, I do it for them. And I recognize that this is a hard feeling to express for every parent to their kids.

Whatever you do, you know nothing will ever be the same because time doesn’t heal but life has so much to offer, including better days.
“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” That’s my motto. Janet said

In this course of life, I’ve realized that there will always be something/someone to chase, we’ll never have all things figured out so I don’t accept to be held by my past, I just grow around the grief and reconstruct my faith, love, and aspiration.

My curiosity about humanity and social development doesn’t go away; I’m pursuing a Master’s degree in Anthropology, I’m of the view that learning never exhausts the mind but ignorance can rot I believe the entire human race. Someone once told me that, we can’t change society with only ideas in our minds; we need a collective understanding and conviction in our hearts that we are fighting for a good cause and victory is ahead. I eagerly await the best yet to come.

Let me give you a piece of advice; “Find God in yourself and remember that His grace surrounds us, All the time! Don’t be afraid to dream big. Okay?” Janet articulated

“Yes ma’am” I replied


To me her name is Strength!

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