Resting in Uncertainty(Hanni) Resting in Uncertainty

I had a cold and I hadn’t been feeling great physically for quite some time. So I thought I must sleep, just rest in general. But then I got invited to a Sound Healing – something that I had not witnessed before and I was hooked. It’s basically a little private concert, but you lie down, cover yourself with a blanket and close your eyes during the whole thing. I figured it was going to be perfect for me since I was sick and it had the word “healing” in the name. I went there, lay down with the blanket, super cozy and ready for the sounds that promised quite a lot. And while I was lying there, listening to the beautiful chants that accompanied the cosmic sounds of several singing bowls, I had this little voice in my head repeating three words over and over again: Resting in uncertainty. Resting. In. Uncertainty.

Resting.
The trouble starts with the first word even. I felt everything in the last couple of weeks: a lot of weakness due to my physical condition; frustration because I don’t like to feel weak; over-strained because I still tried to manage my life as if I weren’t sick; tired; angry; overwhelmed; hopeful; restless. The whole spiral of challenging emotions. The interesting thing ´was that obviously I wanted the sickness to be over, wanted my body to recover, my life to be great. So I couldn’t wait to get better and whenever I felt almost normal (meaning: good and healthy), I got sick again. And again. I couldn’t rest in my physical state, because it was not desirable. But then, I took the time to go to this beautiful sound healing session and just stayed there. I rested. Not by sleeping, just by being present and by witnessing instead of interacting of some sort.

In.
We are always in something. We don’t stand alone. I think the feeling of belonging has become very important to me in the last couple of months. Probably because I left my home country and my partner is not here with me at the time. There are moments when I feel a bit lonely, but in general I have found a group of people who accept me as a part of them. Of us. We are the group. We create the thing we want to be in. A relationship. A friendship. A companionship of some sort. And in my opinion, it is crucial to belong. To be in something. Not only because it is our bio-neuronal programming. But also because we are all connected – at least that is what I have come to believe. We all share an energy that is part of every living being and is everything at the same time. In yogic philosophy, we are the divine that we might be seeking. Brahman is in all of us and we are in Brahman.

Uncertainty.
Uff… here comes the trickiest part. There is uncertainty and there is uncertainty. If I have made no plans for next week, because I’m uncertain of what I want to do, it is completely different from realizing that every plan and every certainty is just an illusion. Nothing is for sure. Because I don’t know if I will be sick and in bed. Or if the entire world will be sick and in bed. Plans have been shattered more than once in the last two years. Promises have been broken. Almost everything we thought normal became rare and extraordinary. So, no. There is no certainty. And I feel that with every cell in my body. But still, my mind keeps on sending me ideas of how to plan my way through this phase or that month. How to control this situation or that. My mind loves the illusion of certainty so much that it is tough to stay comfortable in not knowing.
While the sounds were trying to get their money’s worth, I was just listening, thinking “resting in uncertainty”. I knew that I have to accept. Accept what is. Accept that sometimes it’s time to rest. But that I am not alone. Accept that there is mostly uncertainty and that the more I want to control my life, the further I shift away from listening to my body. To what feels good and right at the moment. And from all I know so far, I know now that I know very little. Only that right in this moment, I’m learning to rest in uncertainty and that it is not certain how long it will take. Much longer than one sound healing session though – that is for sure.

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