With tears pouring down, I opened the old album. There was a picture of me and my beautiful mother. It was taken a long time ago, Before I finally left her, for my stupid dreams and fantasy.
My dearest mother used to call me her ”little princess”. Her arms were one of the safest places on earth... the warmth, and her tenderness. Her old song of lullaby was recorded well enough in my mind. I could fall asleep instantly, in a matter of seconds, every time I heard it … I remember those things.
She used to sing “twinkle-twinkle little stars” and said that I was the prettiest princess in “our little kingdom”. She made me feel that I was the luckiest child on earth. Now I finally realize that’s the truth. Through my window before I went to sleep at night, we used to count the little stars up in the sky. There were plenty of expressions we shared together, I know she did it just to show the love she had always kept for me, her only daughter. She once told me that her love was as beautiful as the brightest stars in the open sky. The love she gave me will always follow me until Heaven. Still, I remember those things.
But, I must ask for her forgivenes. As I grew older, I betrayed her love, and her affections. I played against her just to be a part of a stupid gang. Yes. I should have asked for her forgiveness for all of the lies I made in the past. For once having stolen her money. How I made her really angry for losing her personal belongings that had a special meaning for her. I should‘ve apologized for my silly and fake answers I gave to avoid her madness; for all of my craziness in being her only child; for my stupidity in being a bad adolescent; and all the other things I have not described. Yes. I still remember, Mom. I wish that she had noticed how sorry I was, how deeply a child can feel guilty for making everything wrong.
But now, what is happening with me, Mom? As my time has come to play your role, I can’t be like you... who was patient enough to face all the horrible things your child did. Right now, my daughter’s messings are less than I gave you back then. I was too upset. I yelled at her too much. She said it is because of what I had done to you. So, she doesn’t want to live near me anymore. Doesn’t she know that she’s my little precious girl? I gave her these restrictions just to protect her. Did I expect too much from her? I never meant to do that, it’s only because I want the best for her. She must realize that I love her always till the end of time. I care for her, more than anything in the world.
Oh...Mother, don’t punished me this way. I know, I hurt you with my crazy obsessions as I turned older. Leaving you all alone, never listening to what you were saying. I trusted my instincts and had a false understanding of living in freedom. How my friends changed me into something I hated the most. I am sorry for not knowing how grateful I should have been for your love and understanding. Mom… I’ve done something terribly wrong in the past. And I did it again, now. Is this my karma?
How I wish my Mom had noticed the truth about my feelings for her. I look again to the photo album, straight into my mothers face. I see her beautiful smile. Through all the things I did, her look somehow still shows it. Perhaps she still thinks of me as her little charm. I hope, somewhere, she is still blessing me with her pure and genuine love, things I have never had somewhere else. I try so hard to believe that she still loves me that much. As big a love as I have for my own daughter.
Mother, if only you can say something, please say that I’ve done a good deed, in teaching her to respect me, her own Mother. Like you’ve always taught me. Mom…, do you know what she said? It hurt me a lot. She said, "You’ll never be as good as Grandma!!” Oh my God… that’s why I was very upset, she didn’t appreciate my efforts. I tried very hard to be a good Mom, but she never cared about what I did for her.
I know Mom, I was so young when I left her with you, so young and fragile. But now, you’re not here to explain her that. When the time came for us to share our life together, she seemed to hate me for the things I did in the past, for leaving her and not wanting her. But I came back to pay for all of my mistakes. I realized that my family is the most valuable thing in my life and her love is all that I ever needed. For that reason, can’t she love me just a little?
I never meant to do something bad to her. Please let me show her the truth. I want her back again. I tried so hard to communicate or talk, or chat a little with her, understanding all her needs, but it seems that she never wants to forgive me. She built walls between us that separate us very far. She never wants me as part of her life. She never accepts that I am her mother. She doesn’t want to forgive me. I already explained everything but she refused to listen. At the end we just shouted at each other. Every time we were near each other she spoke horrible things, and we ended up yelling and screaming. It was horrible. How can I face her again? She’s a part of me, Mom… and that stays the same always. Why can’t she forgive and accept me?
I swept my tears pouring down my cheek and onto my mother’s picture. I kept looking at her face. I closed my eyes, easing the pain inside me. My heart filled with loss and with missing her .
Just because everything didn’t work between me and her, it didn’t mean I neglected her. It’s just too hard to understand. I guess the same thing happened when you dealt with me. I feel horrible. How I must have brought you suffering in the past. I didn’t mean to, Mother.
I am scared Mom, I’m scared that she might hate me forever, and I’ll never be a true parent for her. Perhaps she’s right, I’ll never be as good as you. I wish you could feel how much I need you right now. I just wish you were here, so that you could tell her how much she means to me.
I swept my tears again and tried my best to be strong. I drove myself insane, wishing for my Mother's answers, though I know she couldn’t speak a word. But this time I felt that I needed her more than anything. I’m torn a part, the only person left that I love in this world right now had left me too, nothing is worse than that. Mom... I know I have made a big wound in your heart. But tell me how to heal the pain, how to find her and bring her back, just to have her again, my only child, my daughter I love so much.
February, 28th 2005
@ L’ultime merci a toutes femmes qui J’aime: les Meres dehors.
( My ultimate thanks to all the women I love, all "Mothers" out there)