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- Story Listed as: True Life For Teens
- Theme: Love stories / Romance
- Subject: Heartbreak / Grief
- Published: 09/30/2010
Endless Love Endless DarkBorn 1979, M, from Hong Kong, Hong Kong
Chapter 1 ¨C Opening
Katto was sitting on the couch and smoking. He dragged on a cigarett hard. Perhaps affected by nicotine, his mind started going fuzzy. He closed his eyes, exhausted; all pieces of sour memory began fading in.
"You don't support me at all! I need someone who can be supportive, but I don't feel I am getting your support!" Yance yelled.
Katto replied, "You know I support you all the time, but I think I have to tell you all possible outcomes before you make your decisions."
"I am tired and don't want to discuss it anymore. I have to sleep now. Talk to you later" She said.Katto still wanted to discuss it with her but words just didn't come out. Finally, he replied "bye", and they both hung up.
Katto was lying down on the bed and kept looping the conversation. He was so upset about the end of the conversation. In fact, they had not seen each other for four days and this drove him crazy. Yes, he missed her. He couldn't fall asleep.
Email icon popped up on the screen.
Katto clicked on the icon. It's her, Yance. She asked him to have lunch together. Even though Katto really wanted to see her, he refused because he was really tired and sleepy. But the true reason was that he was mad at her because he did not get to see her for 4 days. Because of his childish behavior, he could only stay at the office, accompanied with the feeling of loneliness. At that time, he did not know, or had never expected, something was going to happen.
Chapter 2 ¨C Outbreak
Lunch hour passed fast. Katto was looking at the monitor and pretending to work. In fact, his mind was totally messed up. He was very confused about the sudden change of the relationship. He felt so depressed. He decided to send her an email to discuss all the issues with her.
"How's your lunch? Katto asked her through email.
"Pretty good, I went to a restaurant with my colleagues. What about you?"
"Good then. Even without me, you can still have your companies."
Yance replied, "What do you mean? You refused me first and that's why I went to have lunch with my colleagues."
Katto looked sad and disappointed. He typed, "I don't feel any love from you now. Before, if I refused to have lunch with you, you would just find me and accompany me. But now, you just go by yourself, leaving me alone. You've changed. Do you know how hard my feeling was last night? Do you know how much I missed you in these 4 days? In fact, if you don't love me, please let me know."
After a few minutes, Yance's email popped up.
"How do you not feel any love from me? I've given you so much; I am getting tired because I don't feel anything in return. You always ask for my love and I give you all my love and attention. All I want is support from you, but I am not getting that from you. Let's just take a break."
Katto's mind was blank and what he had never imagined came out. He was so scared and replied with his tear-filled eyes, "Do you want to break up with me? I know there is no break, what you meant is to break up with me. You know that I care about you very much and I just don't like to show it. Hiding it may be wrong but it doesn't mean I don't love you. I do
care about you and that's why I always think about how to solve your problems. When you were in great depression because of your job, I was there for you and gave you tons of support. These days I've been collapsed because of you! I miss you too much! I can't even concentrate on my work. Please don't do this to me. I do cherish our love and I don't want to let you go."
"How many chances in the past have I given to you? Come on, be mature, I really want to clear my mind. I really want to be myself. Please don't push me, ok?"
Katto used his shaking hands to reply, "Fine, if this is what you want, I respect your decision! Sorry to disturb you. Bye Bye!"
Yance did not reply to his email.
While Katto was going home after work, it was raining heavily. Cold raindrops fell on his face, mixing with his warm tears. He was walking like a zombie with no mind, and no soul. He had never expected what just happened.
That night after going back home, Katto lied on the bed and stared at the ceiling until sunrise with his new friend, loneliness.
The next day Katto went to work earlier than usual time as he thought that he might meet her somewhere close to her workplace. The result made him disappointed. Back to office, he urgently opened his Outlook Express to see if she finally replied his email or not. However, once again, what he found was only disappointment.He composed a new message and wrote,
"Are you in office today? Can we meet sometime today? I know you may not want to see me, but please, just see me one more time for mercy!" Katto was sweating with his heart beating fast while he was waiting for her reply.
"I don't think it's wise to meet up now. I really want to clear my mind. I don't want to be sad again. All you should think about now is to work hard and look after yourself", she replied after an hour.
Katto's hands were shaking and his eyes became red. "After reading your reply, my heart is bleeding. What I want is just to see you and discuss our issues. But you don't even think enough about me to give me another try. After being with you for a few years, I am begging for just a chance. As you know, I do really cherish our relationship and I don't want to let go of our memories. I know I haven't treated you right in the past, and I have deeply thought about my faults. You think I don't deserve another try? Don't you still love me???
Yance replied, "I love, I care, but that doesn't mean we can work together anymore. Sorry, I cannot give you another try because I am finally happy just being by myself. I've always depended my emotions on you, but I don't want to be this way anymore. I gave you everything, but you never took care of it. That I can never forgive."
Katto became furious while he sent out his final email to Yance, "My emotion is depending on you too! So now you are fine, just walking away, leaving me alone in the dark. In the past, I forgave you, no problem, now you say you can never forgive me? I am really sad and my heart is totally dead. I can't believe that you would treat me this way. Sorry to bother you. Now I've cleared my mind too! Good luck!"
An 8-hour office day passed like a century. Katto could not concentrate on his work because he felt hopeless and he did not want to accept the fact that he lost her. His mind filled with anger, love, and hurt.
Chapter 3 ¨C Desperation
"I am sorry for what I had said. Could we get back together?" Yance asked.
Happy tears filled with Katto's eyes, he gladly replied, "Thank god, dream comes true." He walked toward her and held her hand, then said, "I will never let you leave me again and we will be together forever and ever. Believe me, we will be happy ever after. I love you."
Light turned dim suddenly, and all matters started distorting. Yance was fading out and her hand was no longer held by Katto. Before she disappeared, she shouted with an evil smile, "I am leaving you now. This is the result you deserve." Katto was trying to catch her before she disappeared while tears were flowing out from his eyes. He screamed crazily, "No, no, no, please don't leave me. Please stay here with me. Please don't go...!"
When he opened his eyes, his face was filled with tears and his pillow was wet. The room was dark, and it took him a few minutes to figure out where he was. Apparently, he was out of mind. He forgot how he got back home and he did not know when he fell asleep. His last memory was he cried furiously.
He used his sorrowful eyes to look at the clock; it was only 19:30. And a one-hour nap did not help him to heal his mental tiredness. He kept thinking about the emails content and he kept persuading himself that 'this must be some kind of joke!' He could not believe that she could treat him cruelly this way. Before, he thought their love was immortal. Before, he thought their love would last forever. However, today he was proved his thought was absolutely wrong, and their love was just similar to the others.
Changes were too fast, too sudden and too substantial. He did not know how to react and how to defend. The feeling of hopelessness and heartbreak was torturing him. Even though he did not eat for a whole day, he was not hungry at all since his hungriness feeling was completely replaced by his deep depression.
Lying on the bed with his messed up mind, Katto remained rethinking what had happened. Then he turned on THEIR netbook, which Yance and he regarded as their baby and named it "Son", to find her through instant messenger. Yeah, she was online but Katto's fingers were too heavy to type. He had so much to tell her; however, he was scared to talk to her. He did not know where to start, and he did not know if she would like to talk to him. He was just staring at her name on his IM list. He changed his IM status description in order to attract her attention, and hopefully would receive feedback from her. Undoubtedly, he was childish and naive. As he missed her so much, he looked at their past pictures. Every scene, every smile and every motion in every picture reminded him much of their happy memories. Tears again started to flood his eyes and face.
She went offline while he was enjoying the past happiness.
The sun rose up. Katto was sitting on the bed and thinking of her after writing his first blog, a blog about his apology and love for her. He hoped that she would read his blog and forgive him. Now he was extremely fatigued due to inadequate rest.
Going back to the office, Katto could not concentrate on his work. His mind was full of Yance. He looked pale and kept silent in the office. His colleagues were worried about him but none of them dared to ask him questions. Without achieving any tasks for a whole working day, Katto left office on time and got home as fast as he could. He decided to give her a call because he could no longer tolerate the feeling of missing her.
"Hello?" Yance's voice came from the phone.
"Um, sorry to bother you. Are you busy right now?" Katto asked in a raucous voice.
"It's fine! What's up?" Yance spoke relaxedly.
After taking a deep breath, Katto nervously said, "Could we get back together? I admit that I have not done well enough to you. I am very regretful now. Trust me, I will change my personality and give all you want."
"Don't make me repeat myself, ok? I don't want to keep saying the same thing to you. The answer is No, ok?" She firmly refused.
"Are you hitting on someone?" Katto asked fearfully.
"Am I hitting on someone? What the hell are you talking about? I decided to leave you because you don't cherish me and you don't deserve my love. You don't know the way to love me. I want someone who can put me in the first place, and support me all the time. I want someone who can visit everywhere with me and care about me all the time. I don't want to waste my time to invest in a relationship with no return. And I can definitely tell you that I am not hitting on someone. And I haven't lied to you before we broke up. Is that clear to you?" She became outrageous.
"Please calm down. I am not trying to spark dispute and I am very sorry to ask this question. Please accept my apology. I trust you and I believe in you. I just want to clear my mind. Sorry to make you angry." Katto was so regretful for not trusting her. Now he knew that the breakup was totally his fault. He hated himself very much.
"Any other questions? I have to go right now, talk to you later. Don't think too much and don't even ask me this kind of ridiculous question again! Bye bye." She hung up.
Katto was speechless. Pain from regret might be the worst pain in the world. He was so confused and he did not know how to get her back. He was desperate, and everything, including his emotion, was out of his control.
Chapter 4 ¨C New Hope
After last phone call, Katto did not call Yance anymore. In fact, he did want to call her but he did not want to be a bothersome person. Several times he had picked up the phone and had pressed her number; nevertheless, he finally gave up. A few days passed, Katto still lived in the world of desperation. Consecutive rainy days were just like a reflection of his heart. He did not know if his down mood was due to the sullen weather, or the sullen weather was caused by him. These days he did not have any appetite and he could not sleep for more than an hour although he was awfully exhausted. Every time when he closed his eyes, he saw her. Every time when he fell asleep, he dreamt of her.
Seven days after breaking up, Katto was still thinking what he could do. He wandered on the street every day after work. He believed that he would finally meet her and get a chance to persuade her. He also changed his IM status description many times, and wrote down his feeling and his love to her on his blog every night, trying to catch her attention. However, it seemed nothing worked. Being hopeless, Katto decided to seek help. He called one of his best friends, Kama, who was wise and mature, and Katto regarded her as an elder sister.
"Hey, haven't heard from you for a long time! How've you been?" Kama softly replied.
Katto felt warm from hearing her familiar voice. He informed her what had happened recently in detail, and asked her opinion. After listening to Katto, Kama said, "Based on my past experience, she may have another target, or be with another person."
"No, that's impossible", Katto disagreed with Kama. "I had asked her this question before, and she firmly told me she's not being with or hitting on another one. She was so angry when she heard my question. I believe in her and I believe she wouldn't do this to me."
"Oh, you had asked her this question before? And she was mad at that?" Kama asked.
"Yes, she became outrageous and yelled at me. I thought I had asked a stupid question. I am so regretful for not trusting her".
Kama calmly and slowly said, "According to what you said, there are two possible reasons to cause her anger. The first one is you don't trust her, which is what you are believing in now. The second one is she was worried about you knowing the truth, so she was nervous and yelled at you in order to hide her secret and distract your attention. Although I tend to believe in the second one, I hope I am wrong."
He replied with his disbelieving tone, "No, that can't be true. Like what she had said, it's all my fault. She left me because she could not feel my love. I believe in her. She's not that kind of person. I admitted I haven't treated her well enough."
"What she said may be right, you may need to improve your personality. However, you are who you are. She picked on you just because she did not love you anymore. She knew your shortcomings when you were together. Now she magnifies them because she is trying to make herself feel better by proving that she is making a right decision. Therefore, you should let go and do not wait for her. One day, you will know it's not worth suffering because of her." Kama tried to persuade him.
Katto sighed and said, "You may be right, but I can't help loving her. If my lover is not her, nothing is meaningful to me. We have too many memories which now no one can share with me. And she also disappeared from my planned future. Now I am the one with no past and no future."
"Everyone encounters this kind of matter. Trust me, you will find another better one very soon." Kama tried to comfort him.
"I don't want another girlfriend. If it's not her, it's meaningless to me, and I prefer not to fall in love again. All I want is her." Katto insisted.
Kama softly spoke, "I know the result is hard to accept but you can't escape or hide yourself from the fact. Take it easy, I know it's hard, but you have to learn how to release yourself."
Katto cried out, "How can I take it easy? Do you know how miserable my life has been after breaking up? I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't even concentrate on my work. The whole world turned to grey, and our sweet love turned to a trauma in my life. There is no more joy and no more hope at all. I am incapable of getting rid of this freaking feeling."
Kama was a patient and experienced person; she gently spoke, "Calm down. You should be optimistic and be confident. I know you can deal with it and I believe you can overcome it very soon. After one or two months, you will finally get used to it. Time heals all wounds, right?"
Katto sobbed and replied, "Love is too painful for me and I am now very scared, scared of love. If I could go back to the past, I would choose not to be with her. If the operation from 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' is real, I would surely have one, no matter how much it costs."
"You cannot forget your past, but what you can do is to face it. You can regard it as one of many tests in your life and a lesson to learn for your next love story. Try to figure out what this lesson brings you. It helps you in the future."
"Thanks, my dear sister. I will take your advice. Let me clear my mind first. Could I talk to you later?"
"You are welcome. But are you okay? Come on, I am your sister; you can share anything with me anytime. Now what you should do is to take a good rest and then learn how to move on. If you want someone to talk to or hang out with, I am always here." Kama worried about him so much.
"Don't worry. I am fine. But I need some time to consider what you said. I appreciate your help. When I feel better, I will call you. Bye bye." Katto hung up.
Trying to move on, Katto stopped writing his blog; however, he could not stop loving and missing her.
It's almost 3:30 am; Katto could not fall asleep again and was still thinking of her. He clearly understood he should move on but he could not do it. To him, moving on meant erasing his and Yance's past happy memory. That was what he did not want to do.
He turned on his 'Son', and changed his IM status description from 'I can't help loving you!' to 'To be or not to be, this is the question!' quoted from Hamlet. Yes, he was wondering whether he should 'erase' her. While Katto was deeply considering his choice, his IM message box popped up.
"Meow, meow, meow!" someone sent Katto a message.
Katto looked at the name; it's her, Neko, one of Katto's best net friends.
Katto had known her through chatroom before he went to the United States. They used to chat every night till morning. After Katto went to the United States to study, they still kept in contact. Before Katto and Yance got together, Katto remained chatting with Neko every day to share everything. With a few years chatting, they had strong feelings for each other. However, they did not further move on primarily because of the obstacle of long distance love. Later, perhaps due to Yance, or Katto's busy college life, they did not chat as frequently as before.
"Meow, what's up?" Katto typed.
"Are you okay? You keep changing your IM status description with sad or weird meaning. Is something wrong?"
"Yes, But I think I am fine. Thanks for asking. I just broke up with my girlfriend. Why are you still awake? Don't you have to work tomorrow?
"Sorry to hear that. Have you tried to talk to her? I don't know how to comfort you, but you know that I am your listener. And I am clearing my annual leaves now so I don't have to work tomorrow. How about you?"
Katto tiredly replied, "Yes, I have to work tomorrow but I cannot fall asleep. You treated me as nice as before. I've talked to her and tried many ways to ask her forgiveness but none of them worked. You can visit my blog which recorded my recent daily life if you wanted to know what I've tried."
"Ok, let me take a quick look first!" Neko said.
After approximately 5 minutes, Neko's message popped up again. "That girl in the picture is your girlfriend? The world is really small."
"Yes, she is my ex-girlfriend. What do you mean by 'the world is so small'? Do you know her?"
"I can't believe she is your ex-girlfriend. Yes, I've known her for a long time. She's from the United States, right?"
Katto was very surprised. "Yes, yes. How do you know her?"
Neko said, "We used to live close to each other before she moved to the United States, and she is a good friend of mine."
Since Katto seldom hung out with Yance's friends, Katto had never met Neko through Yance. Katto was very happy because he thought Neko might help him to beg for her forgiveness. He fast replied, "Sorry to ask this, could you please do me a favor?" Katto requested.
"What do you want me to do?" Neko asked.
"I only want to know how she is feeling now. I want to know if she still loves me and misses me." Katto had not given up.
"Ok, I will try, and I will call you after meeting her. But I have to tell you first, I won't tell you anything about her secrets."
"Thank you very much. Don't worry, I know you too well and I know you won't betray your friend. I won't cross your bottom line." Katto became tireless.
After chatting with Neko, Katto prayed to the God although he was an atheist.
Chapter 5 ¨C Endless Love Endless Dark
Katto's cell phone was ringing. It's Neko. He had looked forward to receiving her call since last chat. Katto happily answered, "Hey, what's up? So glad to receive your call."
Neko replied, "Fine, how about you? Getting better?"
"It's alright. At least I am still alive. Have you met her?"
"Yep, I met her last night. Do you really want to know why she broke up with you? But you must promise me that you can calm yourself down." Neko asked.
"Yes, sure! Please tell me everything you know, please! And I promise you I can stay calm." Katto nervously said.
"She did fall in love with another guy. As your friend, I hope you can accept the fact and move on." Neko seriously spoke.
"How could she do this to me? That's impossible. That can't be true."
Neko softly told him, "Come on, Katto. Life's like this. Not a big deal. And I can tell you that she has completely moved on, so you should do what she is doing. Don't stay in the past, but look to the future."
"My friend was right and I should have believed in her. I am too naive to think she still loved me. II." He could not continue his sentence since he was wordless.
"Just start your new life and I believe you can find a better one. But now you have to release yourself from the dark and stop thinking of the past. No matter how well she had treated you, that does not exist anymore."
"Thank you, Neko. I will control my emotion and try to move on. Don't worry, I think I am fine." Katto sobbed. In fact, his heart now was darker than the starless night.
"Okay then I won't bother you. If you need me, you can call me whenever you want." Neko said.
Katto kept silent.
After hanging up, Neko looked at her company and said, "Are you sure you want to end it this way? There will be no turning point. Although you think that may help him accelerate his recovery process, what I am thinking is you are sending him to the hell."
Big eyes became red; Yance only nodded her head sadly without saying anything.
Two months passed. Katto remained dreaming of her every single night. Yes, he was being haunted, haunted by THEIR past memories. One day, Katto was wandering on the street, someone was walking toward him and waving her hand.
Yance said, "Hi, how are you?"
This was too sudden for Katto. He was confused and it took him a few seconds to recognize her. Katto did not know how to respond, he looked at her puzzlingly and only said, "I don't recognize you".
No more eye contacts and no more conversations, they walked away to the opposite direction separately.
For Katto, this was really ironic. He could not recognize someone he had dreamt and thought of for 2 months. He was also confused whether meeting unexpectedly was due to their magnetic bonding, or if it was just another way of being haunted?
Sad but true, Katto was still living in hell due to his obsession with her.
Katto was sitting on the couch and smoking. He dragged on a cigarette hardly. Perhaps affected by nicotine, his mind started being fuzzy. He closed his eyes exhaustedly; all pieces of sour memory began fading in.
He stood up and turned on his computer. He decided to write down his love to her. He was listening to songs while he was typing his story.
"When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you......"
Before his endless love to her ends, endless dark will never end. <End>