If He Admits(Jessica LI) “Honey, come on! Let’s get in! I’ve heard that this is the best French restaurant ever! Nowhere is better to celebrate your return from the business trip than here!” The woman held the man’s hand, trying to pull him into the restaurant.
She is very tall, as tall as a man even in flat shoes. Snowy white skin, curly black hair, exquisite makeup, and graceful curve… It takes only one look for you to tell that this is a great beauty. The only fly in the ointment is that her voice is a little rough. The man next to her was no less attractive than her. Although his dark suit looked very low-key, his expensive branded watches, cufflinks, and ties all revealed his wealth and good taste. This rich man shuffled along and didn't seem to want to step into this restaurant until a waitress approached him warmly.
“OMG, Mr. Gates! Is that you? You haven’t been here for 5 years!”
A momentary shock flashed in Mr.Gates‘ eyes, but he soon covered it up.
“It’s okay. I handled it very well. No one knows what happened.” He murmured in his heart.
“I think you remembered the wrong person.” Gates said coldly.
“How come! How would I misrecognize the top one on the Forbes young rich list! You used to come here a lot! Of course, you are Richard Ga…”
“Stop it. Hand me the menu and you can go.” His voice interrupted her irresistibly.
Without waiting for her reply, he grabbed the menu in her hand and strode to the restaurant with the woman beside him…

Inside the restaurant, the music was romantic and melodious, and the light was dim and ambiguous. Everything was just like five years ago, except the person seated opposite him. He stared at the candlestick in front of him and felt particularly blinding.
“Richard? You’ve been here before?”
“No, of course, no. She probably misrecognized a former guest as me.” He gave a feigned relaxing smile.
“Let’s just don’t talk about her anymore. I haven’t seen you in 3 days! Have you missed me?” He looked at her, with a this-time sincere and gentle smile.
“Well, I’m fine…” The woman curled her sexy red lip and answered indifferently.
This is so Jennifer… Always seems to be so indifferent towards everything. But it’s okay, because he could feel that guy from her, the guy that god took away from him. Fortunately, God brought her to him instead. And she is a woman, so he could introduce her to everybody that she is his girlfriend. Then, that’s enough. No matter how costly it is to warm the heart of this icy beauty, he is willing to.
“But I missed you! And… I got you a surprise! A beautiful ring from Paris~” Richard walked toward Jennifer, poured her a glass of wine tenderly, and took out a beautiful case from his trouser pocket, without minding her indifference.
“Let me put it on for you to see how my girl looks with it~” He said, taking her hand. She took the wine and case but pushed him away. Then, she walked to the middle of the long table, leaning on it slightly. She stared at the big diamond ring in the box silently. The ring was so dazzling under the reflection of the light. However, there was no sign of happiness on her face, but an imperceptible ironic smile.
Seeing her cold reaction, inevitably, Richard thought of that young man, who always gave him the warmest reaction no matter what he did.
“Jeffrey…” He mumbled uncontrollably. Memories came pouring like a flood…
…
“Babe~ you are finally back! You can’t imagine how bored I was during the past few weeks. I missed you so so soooo much!!! Tell me about it, how was your trip in Paris? How’s everything going? Smooth?” 5 years ago, that young just sat on this chair right in front of him.
“Well, kinda. The client this time is a bit tough, you know, putting forward all those unreasonable requirements. Such a high maintaining guy! But I’ve tackled it. Then I guess it’s fine. Guess how much money I’ve made from this deal? One billion!”
“OMG, you are so LIT!!! How can I not love you~”
“I brought you a necklace by the way. That’s not cheap, you know. Put it on. Let me see.” He slid the necklace box over through the table to Jeffery.
“Thank you, honey! It’s so pretty! I love it so much. Would you like to put it on for me?” After so many years, Richard still remembered how he walked towards him excitedly, with joy and love shimmering in his eyes.
“Well, you got your own hands.” He pushed Jeffery away impatiently, just like how Jennifer pushed him away 5 years after.
But Jeffery was such a good-tempered guy, so he still put on the neckless by himself happily.
“How do I look with it?” He briskly made a whole turn, looking at Richard expectantly.
“Not bad…” Richard felt tired, gradually losing patience to cope with him.
…
“How much is it? Looks expensive~” Jennifer’s voice sounded in his ear and pulled him out of his memory. She took a sip of the wine in her hand.
“Don’t put a value on love, babe~ And no matter how expensive it is, it can never compare to you, my precious~” His hand stroked hers, took her glass, and sipped the wine at where her lip print was.
“Do you buy a present every time you visit Paris and give it to a love?” She amorously put her hands around his neck, staring right at his face with ambiguous and dangerous eyes.
“No. Why would you say that? That was my first time in Paris, and my first time giving a girl a present… And probably my last time as well.” Perhaps hasn't adapted to her sudden fervor, or due to something else, Richard turned uneasily, walking back to his seat.
"If you don’t trust me, I can bring you to my mom this weekend. Then you can ask her if it’s true.”
Jennifer was also about to go back to her seat, but when she captured the phrase “bring you to my mom”, she was stunned and turned around with an unbelievable face.
“Wait, what? Meeting your mother?”
“Yeah, this weekend.”
“I mean why do you want me to greet your mom so early? We haven’t been together for a whole year.”
Her expression looked so complex. Unbelievable? Sad? Angry? Maybe this icy beauty was just too happy so she didn’t know what kind of face she should put on. He guessed, so he stood up again, walked up to her, took her hand, and kissed it gently.
“It took me more than 30 years to meet you. I don’t think it’s too early but too late. And you are finally mine. I definitely wanna announce it to the world right now that you are my girlfriend!” He looked into her eyes affectionately.
“Announcing it to the world…” She repeated in a daze. In a trance, she seemed to hear two men talking.
…
“Should I wear this to meet your mom~” The young man happily stroked his necklace.
“…” The man, who seemed a bit older than the young man, responded with silence.
“Come on~ I’m serious! Do you think I should wear this to see your mother?”
“If you want…”
“What do you mean by that? Every time! Why you are always being so perfunctory when I talk about visiting your mom!” Jennifer saw the good-tempered guy could no longer maintain his smile.
“Then why you are so into visiting my mom? You are dating me, not my mom, right?”
“But I am your boyfriend! I want my existence to be acknowledged!”
“Can we not talk about it anymore. Whether my mom knows you are my boyfriend, the fact that we are in a relationship wouldn’t change anyway! And we’ve only been together for a couple of years. It’s too early for me to bring you to my mom. She wouldn’t accept you now! I just came back from Paris, and I’m tired! If that’s what you wanna talk about, I’m leaving here.” Then, the older man grabbed his wallet and was about to stride out of the restaurant…
…
For what happened later, Jennifer dared not to see.
“Whether my mom knows you are my boyfriend, the fact that we are in a relationship wouldn’t change anyway!”
“I definitely wanna announce it to the world right now that you are my girlfriend!”
“We’ve only been together for a couple of years.”
“We haven’t been together for a whole year.”
“It’s too early…”
“I don’t think it’s too early but too late…”
The voice sounded in his ear intertwined. She just felt her heart hurt, hurting very badly…
“Yeah, I want to announce it to the world that you’re mine. So what?” Richard was still in the excitement of confession.
“Nothing, I just thought men like you would say something like you and me dating has nothing to do with someone else… that kind of stuff.” Jennifer regained the coldness on her face.
Richard found this sentence a bit familiar, but he didn’t think too much, so he just smiled, thinking that she didn’t have enough safety. He held her shoulders, making her eyes look straight at his.
“No, why would you ever think that? Babe, I think you probably have a great misunderstanding of “men like me”. At least I would never say something like that.”
“Really? I think in this way for a reason. It seems that you rich people never want to be responsible. There was even a man killing his boyfriend just because he didn’t want to bring him to meet his mom.”
“Ahem… They are different from us. They are gay…” Richard didn't seem to like the topic, so he turned uncomfortably, giving her his back and walking back to his seat.
“How? How are gay couples different from us?” She looked on his back, eyes looking sharp and cold.
“Well, you know. Gay… What they face are just different…” Not knowing why, he just felt that he didn't dare to look her in the eyes.
“So if you could choose again, you would still kill him right?” She sounded angry, or maybe sad? And why there was a hint of prayer? As if she was praying that he would say no…
“What? What are you talking about? Babe, are you drunk? We haven’t drunk much…”
“Do you really not know what I'm talking about?” She walked towards his seat, each step feeling oppressive to him.
“Then… do you remember this?” She finally walked to him, slowly taking out a necklace, the necklace he gave him 5 years ago.
“The… the necklace… Where… where you got that?” Shaking, trembling, he was so shocked and could hardly say a complete word. He thought he might have the answer vaguely in his heart, but he dared not to point it out.
“5 years ago, you gave it to me yourself. Don’t you remember?” She bent over to him, and he kept shrinking back. Something seemed to snap.
It was the room’s bolt of his locked memories…
…
Richard remembered. 5 years ago, Jeffery and he had a fight, right in this restaurant, because Jeffery wanted to meet his mom, but he didn’t want to bring him.
“If that’s what you wanna talk about, I’m leaving here.” He wanted to leave the restaurant, but Jeffery’s words forced him to stay, irritating him.
“Do you really think I don’t know what you are thinking? You are just afraid of coming out! You just don’t want to admit to the public that you, a young, rich, successful CEO, are gay!”
“SHUT UP!” That seemed really pissed him off.
“What is wrong with you! First of all, I am not gay! All I’ve dated were girls before you! It has nothing to do with your gender! It’s just I don’t see any relation between you and me dating and you meeting my mom! And I’ve promised you that I’ll let you two meet one day! What else do you need?”
“One day? When is “one day”? Do you think I’ll buy it another time? I've had enough! If you don’t let your mom know that I’m your boyfriend. I gonna let the whole world know that you are not only gay but also a coward who doesn't even have the nerve to accept who you are!!!” Jeffery approached Richard, getting angrier and angrier with every step he took.
“How dare you!!! If you do this to me, I’ll…” Facing the aggressive Jeffery, Richard sank down to his seat and grabbed the candlestick on the table in a panic.
“You’ll do what? Will you kill me? Kill me! Right now! As if you have the nerve, coward!” Jeffery
was still pushing.
“Me, coward??? All right… All right!” In a passionate rage, he lost his mind, pulled the candle from the stick, and stabbed it into Jeffery's stomach.
For the following things, he barely remembered. He just knew that that guy who was speaking aggressively at the last second quieted down. From his tearful eyes, he saw a lot of blood keep flowing out of Jeffery’s wound.
“Jeff! Baby! Wake up! Jeff, wake up! I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean it! I love you! I do… I do…” He yelled helplessly until he realized he had to leave.
“I’ve killed a guy… Come over and you deal with it…” Eventually, he left in a hurry and never set foot in this restaurant again for the following 5 years.
…
“5 years ago, you gave it to me yourself. Don’t you remember?” The woman in front of him was full of tears, looking almost crazy. Tears washed away her heavy makeup, unveiling a familiar face.
“You’ll do what? Will you kill me? Kill me! Right now! As if you have the nerve, coward!”
At that moment, Jennifer’s face coincided with Jeffery’s in Richard’s brain completely.
“Je… Jeff? No! No! It’s impossible! You have died! I used the candlestick…” He fell helplessly from his seat, pointing to the candlestick on the long table.
“Yeah, you used the candlestick, and you stabbed me. Seems like you haven’t lost all of your memory~” She wandered around the fallen him like a deadly ghost as if she would take his life the next minute.
“How…how is it possible?” He was totally stupefied on the spot.
“Well, sorry that I didn’t die as you expected.” She finally bypassed him, walking back to her own seat. And he seemed to seize a chance to breathe, quickly got up, caught up, and wanted to apologize.
“I’m sorry Jeff! I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean it. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Didn’t mean it? Left me in blood and you said that you didn’t mean it? That is so “Richard”! I used to love you so much, and that’s what I got? First time in this restaurant? First time in Paris? First time giving your love a present? After 5 years, you still refused to acknowledge me…” It seemed like his apology enraged her even more.
He also seemed to fall into insanity — he kneeled down and grabbed her hand, imploring. “No… No! No! I loved you, Jeff! My love for you was true! But… but I just couldn’t accept that… The reason that I love Jennifer is just because I found her familiar…”
Jennifer, no Jeffery, shook off Richard’s hands.
“True love? Hey CEO, your love is so ridiculous. No, you don’t even know what love is. You said you love Jeff, but what did you do to him? When he expressed his love to you, taking care of you, you always responded with indifference. You never acknowledged him, and even killed him, then let your men throw him into the ocean! You said you love Jennifer. Yes, you are really generous to her. But do you really love her, or love her gender? Why after I changed my sex, all of a sudden, you are willing to take the initiative to express your love for me, can’t wait to bring me to your mom, and announce to the world that I am yours? You love nobody, you only love yourself!”
A few seconds of silence passed. Richard didn’t know what to answer.
Suddenly, he thought of something. “I can make it up to you! Money! I can give you money! A lot of money!”
Jeffery turned around, looking at Richard with a sardonic smile.
“I don't need your stinky money! Your money is nothing compared with my sacrifice to you, my pain when I did the sex-change operation, and the harm you have done to me!”
“Then… what do you want me to do…” He said weakly, as if all his strength had been taken away…
“Didn't you say you love me? Didn't you say your heart for me is true from the start? Then I want you to hold a press conference and tell the world that you were in love with a man!”
“No! No! No! Please, I beg you. You can’t let that happen!” Strength seemed to get back to him. He grabbed Jeffery’s hand again in a panic.
“All right! Then turn yourself into the police! Say you attempted murder! I want you to atone in prison for the rest of your life!” Jeffery yelled as if he was demonized.
Looking at her crazy face, recalling the sunny young man he first met, Richard collapsed to the ground in despair…
“Okay… I’ll turn myself in…”

In jail, Richard was dragged by two prison guards to the visiting place. He was in a prison uniform, with unshaven stubble on the chin and dark circles under the eyes, two hands handcuffed… Nobody could tell he was once the top one on the Forbes young rich list… He sat in a chair and dared not to look up. Across a layer of glass, the opposite was an old woman in her fifties or sixties. It was his mother. A glance from the corner of his eyes, he sensed that she seemed to have aged more than ten years. Lots of white hair sprouted from the roots of her originally dyed jet black hair. She used to like to dress up so much, putting on delicate makeup and luxury jewelry, but now she just let wrinkles creep up her face, wearing plain and cheap clothes and with not even one accessory… He knew it was all because of him, so he lowered his head even more and was ashamed to look her in the eyes.
“The police have told me everything…” Richard’s mother said, from the other side of the glass, with tears in her eyes. She put her hands on the glass as if she could touch her son's face.
“The boy you hurt… do you love him?” She asked, hoping to get just a little response from him.
Richard nodded his head subconsciously then shook his head instead.
“I don’t know… I thought I did, but maybe I don’t. Or just like what he said, I don’t even know what love is…”
The mother and son were quiet for a while…
“I’m sorry, mom…”
“Why are you apologizing to me?”
“Because I let you down, because I fell in love with a man.”
The mother seemed confused and a bit angry.
“Let me down? Why would you think you’ve let me down? If it’s because you hurt someone who loved you, then you indeed let me down. But if you think you’ve let me down because you fell in love with a man, then there is no need to apologize, because I wasn’t down because of that. And you only own an apology to him.”
“What?” Richard seemed to be shocked, looking up quickly with unbelievable eyes.
“Aren’t you disappointed in me because I can never bring you a daughter-in-law? Isn’t you always wanted me to get married and have kids?”
“Yes, but that’s because I don’t know you like men.”
“What do you mean? I thought you would feel disgusted about me…” Richard was still in shock…
“No, no, no. Of course not! You are my son! How would a mother dislike her son? No matter what happens, I’ll always love you. I didn’t love you because you love girls, and I wouldn’t stop loving you because you love boys. So you really shouldn’t apologize to me. The only one you should apologize for is that boy, the one who loved you deeply but was harmed by you cruelly…”
“Mom…”
“Richard. You have always been my proud son ever since you were a kid. You could always get the highest grade in class, enter the best university, and even became the top one on the Forbes young rich list! I always feel happy for you. I always do, but not because of how many great achievements you could make, but because you are happy while achieving them. As your mom, I just want you to be happy. I hope you have someone to love and there is someone who loves you. That’s it. That's all I wish for you. I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. As long as you are happy, I am happy. I wish you could keep that in mind…” Richard’s mother continued.
“Mom.. so you mean.. even if I came out to you at the beginning… you… you would accept him?” His face began to look painful and twisted.
“Well, it might take time, but in the end, all I would give to you guys would only be blessings.” She hesitated for a moment and then said firmly.
“Maybe, I also made a mistake. Richard, I’m old. My mind is out of date. I just thought men were supposed to be with women, but I didn’t know… I’m sorry. If I had known you liked men, I wouldn't always urge you to find a wife and have kids all the time. It must have put a lot of pressure on you. Mom is sorry…” She kept reflecting on herself and apologizing, but she didn’t realize that, on the other side of the glass, Richard has fallen into madness…
“You would accept him… You wouldn’t dislike me… You would accept him… You wouldn’t dislike me…”
“Then… why did I hurt him… Why did I harm the one I loved the most on earth. And it turned out that if I did nothing, I could get happiness… What’s everything for?” He clutched his head painfully but laughed wildly, with his face bathed in tears. In his laugh, there were heartache and sarcasm.
“Richard… Richard… It was my fault…” His mom called his name, with the same heartache.

A long time has passed. Richard finally stopped laughing.
“No, no, mom. It was all my fault. He was right. I was a coward. Didn’t have enough nerve to acknowledge that I’m gay and that I loved him… I thought you wouldn’t accept me for who I am. I thought the world wouldn’t accept me for who I am. But the fact is that only I couldn’t accept who I am… Before him, I dated only girls, so I didn’t want to acknowledge that I’m not straight. Then I harmed him, physically and mentally. And I ruined the happiness of my life. And now, I let you be so sad because of me… It was all because of me…” He sat quietly in his chair, weeping silently.
“But what I can do? What I can do to make up for him… I really don’t know… Mom, could you tell me?”
“I’m sorry Richard. I guess there are some answers in the world that could only be found by you. No one else can help you to find the answer. The only thing I can say now is that I’ll always love you. You’ve committed this crime. You’ve made this mistake, but I would never leave you. I’ll be with you and we can atone together. You’ll never be alone… and please never give up ok?”
“All right… I promise you, mom… I’ll just be here and redeemed my sin… I’ll never give it up…” Finally, he also put his hands on the glass. Across the glass, their palms seemed to be together…

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