A man called Holt

Holt was the kind of man who likes to live his day according to a meticulously formed schedule. He doesn’t like surprises. He believed in right and wrong and that there is nothing “in between”. He believed someone is either good or bad. He believed in Math and calculation as opposed to careless approximations. He was raised to be a man who makes decisions purely using his mental faculties and not be enticed by his emotional side. He was a practical man.

However, there was one major anomaly in his otherwise meticulously crafted life. His wife. Sonia.

Holt never believed in the phrase “Love is Blind”. He thought it was utterly foolish. Then he met his wife. They did not have anything in common. He was a man of common sense, practicality and facts. On the other hand, Sonia was a woman full of life, hope, dreams and she never seemed particularly thrilled with any of the facts that Holt had to offer. Worst of all, she liked people. Strangers or friends, Sonia loved talking with people. She is always brimming with enthusiasm and curiosity to know about their life, their experiences and so on.

In a nutshell, Holt was a practical minded man who did not particularly have a fondness for human beings despite being one and Sonia was the kind of woman with dreams and excessive admiration for her fellow human beings.

Then, they got married.

Holt and Sonia rarely ever agreed on anything. Holt decided it was a lost cause to argue with his woman. After every disagreement, he’d mutter something unintelligible under his breath which would elicit a “Excuse me?” response from Sonia in a sort of tone that lets Holt know she is not impressed with him. However, he quickly concluded that his wife does have superior intellect and understanding when it came to planning of their everyday life.

She planned their holidays, weekend trips, grocery run, home decorations and furniture. Holt was happy about it. These aren’t things that ever interested him anyway. Sonia would do these things with such enthusiasm and eagerness, it almost made Holt believe that there was something wrong with him for not taking a liking towards these things. Then he would quickly rearrange his thoughts and conclude that frivolous things do not deserve his attention.

Holt dedicated his attention to the big things in their life. Such as financial planning, investments, real estate, plumbing, automobile purchase etc. He likes to perform activities which would involve a ton of calculation and decision making throughout the process. He finds them challenging and intellectually stimulating which makes the outcome a lot more rewarding.

Holt and Sonia were expecting their first child two years into their marriage. They had some trouble getting pregnant. Holt had almost given up after a series of consultations with their doctor which did not lead to any fruitful results for two years. The news of Sonia being pregnant gave immense happiness to Holt. He wasn’t necessarily fond of children, not even when he was a child. But he was fond of Sonia and she was fond of children, hence Holt wanted them.

He did everything he can at his behest to make it the perfect time of her life. He was present at every one of her doctor appointments. He bought her anything and everything she demanded. And most of all, he was no longer making decisions based on calculation and practicality. Because nothing Sonia wanted was particularly practical.

One day, she said she felt like going for a drive. Holt found it quite foolish and unequivocally rejected this insane idea of his wife. She looked puzzled and said “I don’t mean by myself dear. Obviously, you will have to take me out somewhere”. Holt was not the kind of man who sat on his car with the intention of going “somewhere”. He liked to have his destination premeditated which would enable him to figure out the most efficient route and the time to avoid traffic on the said route. But Holt can’t deny her. For some reason, he never was able to make any decision with his mental faculties when it came to Sonia. It was as if he was controlled by an invisible force which he couldn’t fathom. And he was quite right. There indeed was an invisible force. It was love.

Their happiness around the impending arrival of their baby however did not last very long. Sonia had a miscarriage around 15 weeks into the pregnancy. This news initially devastated her. She didn’t quite comprehend what was the cause since she was very careful and Holt had been taking such good care of her. Seeing Sonia break down and cry made Holt angry. He questioned the medical officials at the hospital and demanded for an explanation. One of the doctor commented that these were inexplicable circumstances. It made Holt more furious. He angrily reverted back to him with language that neither Holt nor Sonia would approve of. At the end, Holt concluded that the doctor was just another senile old man in disguise who is taking advantage of his poor patients.

Sonia was not her usual self for a few weeks after the miscarriage happened. She wasn’t her usual lively self. She was rather dull, tired and the little things which used to make her happy didn’t matter to her anymore. Holt couldn’t stand seeing his wife like that. He was personally more excited for Sonia than himself when they got pregnant. He believed that the baby would fulfil a hole in Sonia’s heart that he can never fulfil himself. Weeks and weeks passed as Sonia continued to stay at home refusing to go out even for a walk. Suddenly, one fine day, she changed.

One morning when Holt got up and went to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee, he saw Sonia already in there making two cups of Coffee. She noticed him staring at her and gave him a kiss on his cheeks and asked him if he wanted anything else as she handed over the coffee to him. Holt nodded negatively and took the coffee from her and went into the living room. He was delighted internally, but Holt knew better than to make a big deal out of little things. He did not ask her about this sudden change, he wasn’t interested in the reason. Then they sat together and drank their coffee with Holt sincerely reading the newspaper and Sonia glancing through the magazines.

A week later, Sonia started to get back to her usual self. And more importantly, she said she wanted to teach. Holt was quite puzzled since he had never heard her express any interest in the profession before. Sonia claimed it would give her life some purpose. Everyone needs a purpose to wake up and get out of the bed every morning. For Holt, the purpose was Sonia. For Sonia, she figured it might be teaching. There was only one school in their locality and even that was ill-reputed for the kind of students present there. However, such things don’t’ matter to Sonia. She believed even the most insolent brats can be tamed with understanding and compassion.

Sonia was positive about having a kid and they did keep trying. However, things did not work out and eventually, she gave up. She contented herself with being a teacher. She often exclaimed to Holt that God took away her one kid but gave her a hundred others in the form of her students. Holt was a simple man. He doesn’t care if it is God or a neighbour or a pussy cat, if they make Sonia unhappy, then they will be an eternal villain in Holt’s book. He refused to believe that any godly creature would let such a mishap befall a woman as lovely as his wife.

Years passed, and finally the day Holt dreaded had arrived. His retirement. He had been working in the railways for over 40 years of his life. He had been a loyal, dedicated employee throughout his career and he found it outrageous that they would be getting rid of him just because of a few white hairs and wrinkles. He always thought he was still 10 times better than today’s youth. With little excitement, Holt bid farewell to his office and went home.
As usual, there was only one person who can cheer Holt up and she was ready for the job. Sonia had made a dinner feast to commemorate Holt’s last day of work. She even put on music and insisted Holt to dance with her. They spent the evening eating, dancing and reminiscing about the olden days. Holt had lots of stories about his work but he always figured she’d be bored with them. However, that evening, he was proved wrong. Sonia enjoyed Holt’s journey. He started as a little kid who was picking trash in the tracks, and he retired as an electrical engineer. Whatever little life Holt had built, he can proudly say it is all his blood and sweat. He did not take money from anybody, he did not posit silly excuses such as fever to take a leave of absence and most of all, he was an honest man who stuck to his routine and schedule for over 40 years of his life.

Post retirement life was a troubled time for Holt. He didn’t know what to do with all the time he had. Hence, he took up to rebuilding their house. Sonia was not particularly thrilled with this activity, but she decided to let him do what he wants for the time being. She understood him better than anyone. She knew when to put her foot down and when to let Holt do his thing. She was always worried about who’d take care of Holt after her. And this worry became more intense when she was diagnosed with cancer.

Sonia was never worried for herself when the disease befell her. And this was the time when she wished that she had that kid. That kid would’ve probably taken care of Holt when she dies. She insisted Holt to send her to a medical care facility where they can take care of her. She hated seeing him strain and put in so much effort in treating her every day. However, Holt was adamant. He never let anyone near her without his presence. He was always at her disposal, ready to fulfil any demands she had. He was determined to give her the best life that any cancer patient had ever had. Deep down, he was in denial. He knew she was dying but did not give it an ounce of thought. He took it one day at a time.

Then, she died.

She fought cancer for two years. Holt did everything he can to protect the only good thing in his life. The white shirt doctors all used fancy medical terms but not one of them good enough to let him keep the only good thing in his life alive. At the end, he lost. The moment he lost her, he felt he had lost his life. There was nothing more to it.

He sat at her gravestone day and night. He would talk to her as if she was still alive and listening to him. He refused to be taken into a senior citizen home.

One evening, he was sitting in his living room and suddenly faced difficulty breathing. He couldn’t do much, he just fell down on the ground and grabbed his heart. He thought that was it. He thought he was going to finally meet his wife again.

However, much to his dismay, he found himself waking up in a hospital. Apparently, one of his wife’s students who was visiting Holt found him on time and took him to the hospital. He hated hospitals. What good were they when they couldn’t save Sonia. And if they could save him, why not her? He knew she deserved to be saved, a lot more than he did. He decided he would be giving her an earful when they meet next time for saving him when he didn't want to be saved.

Holt was brought back home and he still insisted on staying home and not joining a senior care facility. He was bed ridden for a week. He couldn’t walk a mile before he started to face difficulty in breathing again. At night, the medicines he was taking made him have delusions as if Sonia was sleeping beside him and was caressing his cheeks. He would caress her cheeks too, and he would complain about the doctors who treated him and go to sleep. Ironically, as much as Holt hated being not in control, that time was his favourite part of his entire day. Because he could see Sonia again.

One day, he decided it was enough and he wasn’t satisfied with the nightly meetings they had together. He wanted to meet her more often and instead of waiting to be granted an opportunity to visit her, he took matters in his own hands. God took away his purpose. Holt took his life.