Can’t undo what you can’t forget(Breann) My nightmare from hell happened the night I thought I was going to have an amazing time out with my best friend.
I always hated the number 19. There was someone I loved who never made it past that age. So when I turned 19 I hoped to just get it over with. I didn’t like the fact that I got to move on with my life while his was taken away from him.
It had been a hard year, it was the first year dealing with Covid. So I mostly was just working and staying at home. There was this guy who was constantly trying to get with me. I didn’t like him, my friend did though. I was talking to someone I worked with. My friend and I did hangout with this person a few times before and it was usually pretty chill but he was always trying to make moves with me and I was not interested in him AT ALL. And she would constantly get jealous over him liking me and I said it many times that I didn’t like him. Not my type and I didn’t think he was attractive. And secondly my friend had a crush on him so why get in the way of that?

The type of person I am is that I always wanted to lose my virginity to the person I was going to marry. So, this guy I liked I was trying to pursue a relationship with him. He was still upset over his ex. So I figured “Well I’ve been wanting to stay single for awhile anyways.” So we would just hangout and I got really attached to him.
There were some issues between this guy and I so my friend had invited me to a party so I was like screw it, I deserve to go out and have fun, or so I thought.

My friend and I show up to this party and of course a party means alcohol. The place was some type of barn at someone’s house. I was drinking pretty much anything someone offered me. Big mistake. As the night goes on it was fun, partying with people who seemed cool. There was a guy who kept wanting to make out with me so I was thinking “well I’m single and who cares if I kiss someone I don’t really know while I’m drunk at a party?“ So that’s what I did, it never went farther than that. He was respectful and even though we had been drinking, he didn’t try to do anything other than kiss me.

As the night goes on it was getting colder and colder. I love music so I wanted to play my own music. Hooked my phone up and was listening to all kinds of stuff. There’s two specific songs that I no long love nor will ever listen to now because of that night. One song is “Boot Scootin Boogie” by Brooks and Dunn and the second song is “Big Poppa” by The Notorious B.I.G.

The guy that liked me was at this party. He started kissing me and by this time I was waiting for my friend to find her keys so I could go home because I was super drunk and cold. I needed to go to the bathroom and this guy was supposed to take me there. I remember walking to the side of the barn and he started kissing me again and I started to black out. This entire night is a blur in my memory but I remember enough to feel the way I do. Laying on the cold dirt and leaves feeling this guys body all over mine, starting to realize what’s going on. I started saying “stop” “please, ow” Crying, screaming and begging him to stop and all he did was cover my mouth and tell me to keep quiet. In pain, cold and scared. I just laid there in and out of passing out. Nothing was in my mind just “help” I didn’t know what to do. I felt helpless.

It almost seemed as if he laughed at me when I begged him to stop and that’s when I knew nothing I could do would stop him from taking everything from me. My virginity, my dignity, the self love I had. All gone. I wanted to die. When people found me some of the people there had beat him up. Then that’s when being accused of lying started. This girl threatened to beat me up while I was having a panic attack and told people I was lying because I passed out from hyperventilating.

I have PTSD and felt attacked by people so yes, I passed out because everything was scary. I was freaked out because I thought the people who found me were in on it or something and was recording me but they had their flashlights on because they heard me scream for help. The ride home I don’t even remember, I just remember getting in the car and the two who brought me home was my friend and her sister and I remember the conversation they had was something about if my friend felt differently about the guy who had just raped me. They kept asking me if I was raped and I just begged them to take me home. All I wanted in that moment was to go home, shower and not speak to anybody. Police showed up and EMS to take me to the hospital. I didn’t even want to go. They made me. I felt like I had no choice. I had to do a rape kit, tell what happened to me several times to SEVERAL different people with papers and pens and them acting like they were going to put the guy in jail for what he did to me. But that never happened.

The system failed me just like they did to millions of other victims of sexual assault. I was told they didn’t have enough evidence to continue the case. In my mind that makes me believe that they know I was raped, but chose not to do anything about it. It’s hard, it’s really hard to live a life knowing that the truth was proven just wasn’t dealt with. It’s disgusting actually. It’s disgusting for me to know that someone got away with not only raping me but also to find out later that there was other victims by this dude.

Lost my best friend because she is married in to the guys family who raped me and then when I tried to be the bigger person and try to be friends with her again she tells me that she had sex with the guy and then would make rape jokes around me and be like “haha sorry didn’t mean that” or “oh my gosh I forgot” I’m really glad others can forget about it. We aren’t friends anymore and I have tried, over and over but she is a whole different person and we will never be friends again, she is simply not a good friend to me. I never will forget those who were there for me and those who didn’t do a damn thing.

October 25, 2020 will be a date I’ll never forget. It will always be the date that changed my life. But I will tell you one thing, I may be different, but karma will always be on my side. Just like when I didn’t expect to be raped, you won’t expect karma destroying you. I’m still recovering, two years later. And it has been rough. But I will say that I found part of myself again, not fully but I’m getting there. I no longer live in Ohio. I am loved by a man who ALWAYS asks if I’m okay and makes me feel comfortable. Although I’m finally free from fake people and being afraid that I will have to see my rapist. I still hold a lot of anger in me but I hope that one day I can change someone’s life for the better by sharing my story with them and letting them know that they aren’t alone. I will listen to their stories because keeping it inside hasn’t helped me at all. If you’ve ever been a victim please don’t be afraid to speak up, even if the system did fail way too many of us. Nobody deserves to hold that inside and never talk about it.


“you're not a victim for
sharing your story.
you are a survivor setting
the world on fire with your truth.
and you never know
who needs your light, your
warmth, and raging courage.”

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