Culinary Coup at Le Monde(Charles A. Mazzarella) Culinary Coup at Le Monde
or A Chef’s Worst Nightmare


It was a battle like no other ever seen before; throughout the history of recorded time. The skirmish did not result in any human casualties, as there were no bipeds present during the event. The colossal siege was captured on tape and experts can look upon it to study ‘strategery’, aka strategy, to help ensure another war of this magnitude does not take place again.

The location of this event was a recently constructed one. No one thought it would be a culinary arena of death. The venture was referred to as Le Monde and it was the first of its’ kind in the nation – an upscale food court at one of the most lavish malls in America.

The participants broke free from their cold storage gulags one evening and attacks commenced among the indoor fountains, padded Adirondack chairs, and exotic palms that encircle and divide up the digestive rest areas within the consumer haven. The tension had been simmering for weeks, but both sides were prepared, having competent leaders. Among the most experienced veterans of the campaign were: General “Beef” Wellington and Commander Fondue Frommage. It was as if World War II were replaying itself, only on a much smaller scale. This time, the enemy was your ally. The rivalries were old and established ones, though battle lines were not clear to many. Foes finally faced each other: Lo Mein verses Cappellini, Ceviche v Sushi, Country Fried Steak v Country Fried Chicken cutlets, Cabbage and Knockwurst v Sausage and Peppers, Steak Tartar v Carpaccio. A spirit of cooperation did not exist. Luckily, no edible civil strife occurred, thank goodness.

Seven famous restaurants were chosen as a fair and balanced blend of cooking styles and cultures. The fortunate ones included: ‘Chomp’ de Elyesse, Paved in Gold, Etruscan Surprize, Allure of Spice, Pesca Fresca, Arid Oasis, and Hal’s Conglomerate. Excluding Antarctica, all of the continents, and many familiar countries, were recognized. Some restaurants featured a variety of dishes; many you may not have experienced before. Variety is what made this place so special. This was exclusive dining! Fast food was found two floors below, with a fancy waiting room that separated the tiers. Menu items from the chains were too immature and boorish to even be considered for an invite to Le Monde. Early in July, the dream place was opened. Inaudible taunting was immediate as the elegant dishes were put on display to entice the curious and hungry merchants.

The design of the place took into consideration enough room to comfortably move around while offering a nice sense of privacy. The amenities sparkled and patrons were in awe of the ambiance, but diners were not distracted by glitz or repulsed by the sight of a garbage can. Refuse receptacles were discreetly located away from the dining area; at the end of a hall that almost led outside. Patrons could choose to eat within the restaurant proper or enjoy their meals café style among the foliage.

The storefronts formed a heptagon, not the linear design that was originally suggested. This design was more esthetically pleasing. It was also good strategically, but no one actually planned for that. Random songs, both vocal and instrumental, were played continuously to add class to the overall experience. Music of many of the world’s countries was featured; the well known countries and those less familiar. Whether or not those that ate there could pick out the country on a map was another question.

The various entrees knew all the name calling and lewd gestures would probably come to a boil, to borrow a phrase. Some event of significance was going to happen and this sentiment was felt by all. Being civil however, formal discussions, to take any action, occurred. As there is usually a lull during the Winter, and historically, stubborn battles have been fought during that frosty season, it was decided the encounter would take place on the 24th of January. A surprisingly amicable agreement took place among the delicious heads of state.

Among those in attendance were: the aforementioned Wellington and Frommage, Saki Uni, Severance “Meat Pie” Lloyd, Scales Awave, and Johnny “Top Dog” Magurk. Generals Baba Kanush, Couscous, and Pickles Linguica sent delegates. The first and only recorded conclave of this type was to take place on December 24th, when it was assured no biped interlopers would be there to interfere. A month of preparation was allotted and that seemed adequate and quite proper; all present vowed to honor this agreement. But, it turned out to be too long of a time to wait. Remember, the bickering had been going on since Le Monde was opened on the first of July. Six months of haranguing and menacing glances, not to mention the intermingling wafts that sickened everyone who had an enemy. This all had an accumulative effect.

A conspiracy between Pickled Herring, Captain Limburger, and Staff Sergeant “Eggs” Benedict shortened the month-long wait to the proposed date of battle. The use of propaganda was rampant. What was once an internal matter, oily spread to all parts of the promenade. It started with an officer named Baklava. He was holding a grudge against someone named Spiros Salad. Someone’s daughter was insulted or some such thing; the details are now forgotten or were always unclear. Pickled Herring overheard some morsel of information from the Greek argument and brought the ingredient to the other pernicious leftovers bent on conspiracy. Some type of spin was put on the matter which caused increased tension, leading to conflict.

As the end of the year approached, a few more names were called, insults were hurled, then silence. It was when it became colder outside and too warm inside that the food stuffs started to spoil. As usual, heat was the catalyst. The heat ran nonstop for two days and nights in Le Monde before a repairman arrived to remedy the situation. The bad vibes continued to ebb through the post-Christmas air. The pressure became high enough for someone to lose their cool; action seemed imminent.

On the morning of December 31st, plans for an engagement were being drawn up in all camps. After the lights went out, the first casualty fell. General Wellington gave orders for information to be gathered. Other soldiers were busy building a bridge out of those reusable resin trays that were absconded from the fast food cul-de-sac two floors below; there were no plastic utensils used in Le Monde. Various other elements were used for fortification.

Commander Frommage noticed movement within several camps and also dispatched a few units. He is a consummate lush, as many of the high ranking leaders were, and this had an effect on the entire campaign. Champagne and red wine flowed on all fronts. Interesting aromas filled the battle zone; above, stars shone through the transparent and lofty windows of the domed ceiling.

It was determined that an alliance between Generals Couscous, Baba Kanush, and Saki Uni were made. The troops of Scales Awave tried to stay neutral, but were attacked by General Saki’s men. On the other front were leaders Magurk, Linguica, and “Meat Pie” Lloyd. Intelligence reports were intercepted from Linguica’s unit and they revealed some vital plans to take control of Le Monde; Frommage felt threatened. The recipe for one major plan included the following ingredients: a drastic reduction of prices, an attack on refrigerator units, and an almost tactless and highly irregular advertising campaign.

Commander Frommage was whom Saki and the other indigestible courses answered to. On the nutritious side, “Beef” Wellington was in command of all troops. Fondue Frommage always hated Wellington and the virtues he stood for. Frommage was just in it for the money and considered any plan that may drive out one of the other eating establishments, giving his faction the upper hand.

The video footage of the battle did not explain allegiances or ulterior motives. It is a spectacular sight to see nonetheless. Scales Awave ultimately joined with Frommage; it was possible that Scales was coerced. Each side devised olfactory projectiles that were used to demoralized soldiers on both sides. The indigestible foods led by Frommage, hurled stink bombs made from fish innards, pulverized mussel shells, grape jelly and some item that Limburger offered. Wellington’s crew responded with dumplings consisting of mustard, stale beer, and items retrieved from the far off refuse receptacles. To General Magurk’s dismay, several men were lost on that mission to the end of the hall to find the necessary putrid components.

Many brave soldiers died from their wounds in the seemingly vain altercation. There were heroes on both sides. Onlookers and non-combatants who helped support the war effort were proud of those who fought so valiantly. The damage was slight but extreme; more evident on the battlefield than on the home fronts. Only the serene night sky and subsequent undisturbed Sunrise were the redeemable elements of the entire war.

An historic and unpredictable event took place that led to the descent of Peace in Le Monde. “Eggs” Benedict fired 3 non-lethal shots towards the night sky from the highest vantage point of the classy food court; atop the largest fountain in the center of the room. After Generals Lloyd, Awave, and Couscous were severely injured in an attack that went horribly wrong, the proposed traitor and conspirator acted in a way contrary to that of his name’s sake. As loudly as he could, Benedict shouted from his perch for a Cease Fire. Unfortunately, his speech was not recorded because the mall surveillance camera was not equipped with a microphone. From witnesses, it was learned that the words from this single menu item were influential enough to cause both sides to have a sit down.

Under the star-blessed sky of that first day of the new year, a universal accord was quickly reached. For the first time since it’s unveiling, Le Monde became a peaceful place for all – the gastronomical delights and the bipeds that would most likely return the following day. All the while, during the biggest battle of its’ kind, the piped-in music kept playing through undetectable speakers. What effect the tunes had during the battle was not measured. Someone had made an audio loop of the national anthems and slowly, apparent differences were noticed in all of the fighters as they intently listened to their nation’s song of pride.

Many of the soldiers were profoundly affected by this smart piece of strategy in this historically, insignificant coup. Now, the same patriotic notes lull the weary participants to sleep as plans for a lasting peace and clean up of the aftermath are being assembled. The seven restaurants that make up Le Monde began their new friendship as the unaware shoppers relaxed and enjoyed the amenities. From that day on, tolerance and fraternity flowed as freely as the overpriced wine.

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