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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Teens
- Theme: Love stories / Romance
- Subject: Novels
- Published: 12/01/2022
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Prologue
We walked to class, we were going to first period. Mrs. Peterson’s math class, everyone loved her class because she didn’t know how to control us. She let us do whatever we wanted because she was too intimidated to do her job. She was too nice and we all took advantage of that. Now I know we sound like little assholes but aren’t all teenagers?
Almost every student walked into the classroom with not a care in the world, we never cared because we knew how she taught and we knew how she graded too. She graded off of the work we did, most of us Googled the answers. Correction: we all googled the answers.
We sat in the front row, the first two desks to the left, like we did everyday, we sat next to each other. We didn’t have assigned seats but we all pretty much sat in the same seat every day. We sat in silence, staring at each other, we didn’t pay attention, we never did. We always passed notes and played around. We always had fun in her class because she was a young teacher who couldn’t control us, we knew that.
Mrs. Peterson was new, she was scared and didn’t have a backbone. She was a fun teacher, in reality she couldn’t control her students. In reality maybe she didn’t want to, if I was a teacher I would’ve given up in the first month.
1
The gun shots started at 9:56 a.m, I looked around the room and saw all the shocked and horrified faces. Their faces were something that I hoped no one else would ever have to see. At first we thought it was a joke but after the silence set in, we were horrified. Horrified of the silence, no. We were horrified by what was happening in the silence. I looked over at her and her face was blank and she was pale, she looked sick to her stomach. I didn’t know what to do, they have these drills but they never actually prepare you for the unimaginable, we used to think it was just time to waste out of the eight hour day, we never thought we would actually live through it. I whispered, “Addy, it’s okay.”
No one moved, no one moved a muscle, everyone was too scared to make any noise and honestly we all thought if we stayed silent we wouldn’t get caught because that’s what they teach us, be quiet, be silent. Mrs. Peterson was in shock, she locked the door but didn’t give any instructions, we were all too scared to listen anyway. We were all pretty terrified, they didn't really prepare the teachers either. It’s really just a fight or flight reflex but in this case the only option is to fight. Mrs. Peterson announced,
“Everyone in the back!” She stayed as quiet as she could but her voice shook as she spoke. I took Addison’s hand and we sat on the floor in the back of the room. Everybody tried to walk slowly but our legs felt like jelly as we walked across the classroom. She kept her hand in mine, I felt her hand shaking, I felt her body shake. I could almost hear her heart pounding, the silence felt eerie. I whispered,
“It’s okay, we’re gonna be okay.” She nodded, I was trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay, I tried to convince myself to believe that we were going to be okay. I had to make myself believe that, I had to believe it because I needed it to be true. I needed it to be true because this isn’t how I want to live, I want to travel. I want to have kids, I want a family, and I want to see something other than this classroom. A second round of gunshots went off at 10:01 a.m, we all jumped as they went off. Our souls practically leave our body every time the gun goes off. There were screams and running coming from the hallway. Addison covered her mouth as she sobbed, I held her in my arms but it didn’t help. She sobbed uncontrollably, she tried to be quiet but she wasn’t successful. It didn’t help the fear in her body, it didn’t help my fear either. I thought if I held her, I thought if I touched her it would all be okay.
She was shaking, the last time she heard a gunshot was when her brother killed himself in front of her. I knew that’s what she was thinking about, she was thinking about her brother’s lifeless body as it dropped to the floor. Trauma is funny like that, one thing that happened can haunt you forever and one thing could change your life forever. She was thinking about her nightmares, about how many times she’s woken up screaming. She was thinking about how the gunshot echoed after he shot himself. She was thinking about dying. Somehow I knew exactly what she was thinking about just by looking at her. I whispered,
“Baby, it’s okay. It’s gonna be over soon.” She shook her head but I knew she didn’t believe me and to be completely honest I didn’t believe me either. Her voice shakes as she asked,
“What if we don’t make it out?” I turned her head towards me. I made her look at me, I tried to make her feel safe. I tried to make her forget about her surroundings and focus on my voice. I wiped her tears and answered,
“We are gonna be okay.” She nodded and took a deep breath, she tried to calm herself but in this situation I don’t think any of us could be calm. Another round went off at 10:06 a.m, every time it went off it came closer, that’s what it felt like. It sounded closer each time, the sound echoed through the halls. The halls that were once the place where students would rush to their next class. The halls that now would forever be different. It doesn’t matter how many students packed into the halls, from now on they would always feel empty. I took a deep breath and looked beside me, everyone had their phones out, texting and calling, saying goodbye. They knew that this may be the last time they talked to their parents. The last time they talked to their best friend, or their last chance to tell the person they loved goodbye. Addison sat in front of me, I could feel her cold hands in mine, her hands felt like they were dunked in ice water. I squeezed her hand and whispered, “You’re okay.” She shook her head and she looked down. It was hard to tell someone they were going to be okay in this situation. Another round went off at 10:11 a.m, it was like a never ending cycle, it was like when your faucet drips, it never stops. Correction: it was in fact a never ending cycle.
Tears fell from everyone’s face, I took a deep breath and took out my phone. I called my mom, she deserved a goodbye, and quite honestly I started losing hope. I started to accept that we may never see our families again, I started to accept that we didn’t have any other option, we didn’t have a reality in this situation because we didn’t know the outcome. My hands were shaking as I dialed her number, I could barely see the number through my tears. She answered,
“Logan, what’s going on?” I assumed she saw the news. I answered,
“There’s a shooter in the school.” I closed my eyes as I said it out loud, saying out loud makes it seem real, well more real then sitting in this classroom. I asked, “can you put bubba on the phone?” I closed my eyes trying to collect myself before I talked to him, trying not to sound sad. I could hear her walking and I heard his breathing. I smiled because hearing his breathing and his soft voice made it somehow stop, just for a second. It made everything around me stop, it felt like nothing was wrong. It felt like it was just him and I. I said, “hey bud.” His soft voice said,
“Hi.” I smiled at the sound of his voice and I asked,
“You know I love you, right buddy?” My voice shook as I spoke. I didn’t want him to worry, I didn’t want him to be confused. I just wanted him to know that I loved him. He answered,
“Yeah, I love you too.” I smiled and whispered,
“You be good for mommy, okay?” All I could hear on the other end was breathing. I added, “can you give the phone back to mommy?” I could hear him walking through the house. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could say anything my mom announced,
“Don’t, don’t say goodbye to me. You’re not dying!” I was starting to think differently. I took a deep breath and said,
“I love you mom.” Before she could say anything else I hung up the phone, I took a deep breath as tears streamed down my face. I needed her to know that I loved her, it wasn’t necessarily a goodbye, it was an insurance policy just in case something goes wrong. Addison turned around and wiped my tears, she plastered a fake smile on her face and whispered,
“Like you said, we’re gonna be fine.” I wondered what changed her mind, what made her feel like she was going to be okay? It seemed that we changed mindsets, it felt like she was the one trying to comfort me now. I kissed her on the forehead and whispered,
“I love you.” She smiled at me and whispered,
“Always.”Another round went off at 10:26 a.m, they were getting slower, over ten minutes apart. We hoped that by slowing down they would stop. The door knob turned, it wasn’t locked. The teacher didn’t lock it, I mean maybe she thought she did but she didn’t. In that moment it felt like everything crashed and burned more than it already has. It felt like everything I’ve ever known had been useless up to this point.
Rule number one, always lock the door. Rule number one failed. The shooter came into the room, his gun pointed at all of us. The fear in my face turned into rage and betrayal. It was no longer fear, why should I fear a familiar face? We knew who he was, Addison knew who he was. I looked at the shooter then down at Addison, the shooter and her locked eyes. Their eyes were drawn to each other, maybe because their eyes were so similar. She asked,
“What are you doing?” We knew what he was doing, we just didn’t know why. He answered,
“I didn’t wanna kill those people Addy, I didn’t wanna hurt anyone. You have to believe me!” She stood up, I grabbed her hand and shook my head but of course she continued. She continued because she knew he wouldn’t hurt her, or at least she thought he wouldn’t hurt her. She raised her hands and said,
“I believe you, let’s just get outta here, okay? We can go home and give dad his gun back, everything is gonna be okay.” She stepped closer, Addison reached for the gun but he yelled,
“No! I can’t go back, he’ll kill me!” Her father, his father, their father. She looked at him, his eyes were almost completely blank, emotionless. She shook her head and said,
“You know I won’t let him do that!” He put the gun to his head, Addison walked closer and shook her head. He kept hitting the gun on his head, tears were streaming down his face. He seemed almost helpless and hurt. He closed his eyes and blinked away the tears and whispered,
“This is the only way out.” He mumbled, “I'm sorry Addy.” He took a deep breath and put his hand on the trigger, I stood up behind Addison. She walked closer and put her hand on his shoulder. She didn’t seem scared, she didn’t seem to fear him. All she saw was her brother, all she saw was the boy that she grew up with. She whispered,
“You know this isn’t the way out!” I could see the flicker of reasoning in his eyes, I could see that little spark of humanity in his eyes. He lowered the gun and sat it on the ground, he didn’t back away from it he stood almost on top of it. I walked towards the gun and tried to grab it but he picked it up again and yelled,
“You’re trying to kill me! You’re trying to take my gun!” I backed away as he picked it up but Addison said in her position. Addison announced,
“No, we just want to get you help!” He shook his head, he needed help but he was too blind to realize that he was sick. He might not have been sick physically but his mind wasn’t in the right space. He yelled,
“I see right through you! You and your boyfriend are trying to kill me! You're my sister and you’re trying to kill me!” He believed whatever he could come up with in the moment to make him feel less guilty. Addison shook her head and took a couple steps forward, he raised the gun to her head and asked, “How could you? My own sister!”She didn’t seem scared of the gun. She kept looking in his eyes, she was looking for something inside of him, looking for her brother. She took a deep breath and said,
“Luke, no one is trying to kill you! We’re trying to help you!” She kept looking in his eyes but eventually she stopped looking. He shook his head and yelled,
“Shut up! You don’t wanna help me, you’ve always been a self centered bitch! You never wanted to help me!” I could see the hurt in her eyes, I could see how deep his words cut her. Addison closed her eyes and asked,
“Do you really believe that?” He grabbed her by her hair and pulled her towards him. She groaned as her hair was being pulled. He yelled,
“You’re a self centered bitch!” I looked away, the things he said hurt the most, the words he said cut me because I know Addison and she was one of the most selfless people I know. Unfortunately at 10:34 a.m, another gunshot.
2
Addison and Luke fall to the ground, we’re all in shock. At first it didn’t seem real, we all stayed still. Luke leaves the room and Addison lays there, I knew there was only one gunshot but I wished there was two. I wished he didn’t get to walk away. There was blood everywhere, just in those few seconds there was already a puddle of blood surrounding her. She held her stomach, her hand covered in blood, the blood dripping onto the floor. I ran over to her and put my hand on her stomach. I pressed down but I lifted my hand and cupped her face. At first I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to. Believing it and seeing it were two different things. I didn’t want to believe it because believing it makes it real. I whispered,
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” She cups my face and she smiles, I couldn’t understand how she was still smiling. She took a deep breath and said,
“I’m okay.” I pressed down and she winced at the pain, seeing her in pain made me sick to my stomach. I took a deep breath and I took my shirt off, I pressed it against the bleeding hoping it would stop and hopefully she would be okay. She whispered,
“Logan, stop.” I shake my head, I couldn’t stop, I wouldn’t let myself stop saving her. I needed to save her. I yelled,
“No, you don’t get to do that! You don’t get to die on me! Not now, not ever!” Tears were streaming down my face, the tears were making it hard to see. She touches my hand and whispered,
“Logan, there’s nothing you can do.” I shook my head and continued pressing down. Apply pressure, stop the bleeding, that’s what everyone does on the TV shows. You have to stop the bleeding, I looked down and there was so much blood, I couldn’t see anything. We were both covered in blood. My jeans were stained, the floor was stained. Everyone sat in tears, everyone sat in the back of the classroom and did nothing. They were paralyzed with fear. She cupped my face and said, “baby, there’s nothing you can do.” I could see the look of defeat in her eyes, I could see she’s given up. I yelled,
“No, you’re not dying!” I looked at her as she cupped my face, she smiled. She tried to make it easier, she tried to make me feel better but I just wanted her. I will always only want her.I only wanted her to be the one that opens my college letters to tell me if I got accepted. I only wanted her to cuddle. I didn’t want anyone else besides her. She whispered,
“You’ll be okay my love, everything’s gonna be okay.” She started breathing slower. Her eyes closed for a little longer each time she blinked. I closed my eyes to blink away the tears. I whispered,
“Please don’t leave me.” Her eyes glossed with tears, I could hear her struggling to breathe. I could feel her grip on my hand start to loosen. She whispered,
“You have to let me go, you have to.” I closed my eyes and took my hands off of the wound. I looked down at my hand, the blood dripping from them, I was shaking, my stomach was turning. I took her hand and said,
“I can’t save us.” She nodded and whispered,
“I know.” I shook my head and whispered,
“You go, okay?” I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears. I stroked her head and whispered, “I’m gonna be okay, just go. Go be with your brother.” I moved the hair from her face and kissed her forehead. She had to know that it was okay, she needed to find peace and I knew that, but what about me? She is my peace and now she’s gone. Her voice broke as she tried to whisper,
“I love you.” I took a deep breath and cupped her hands. I kissed her hand and mumbled,
“I know, I love you too.” She closed her eyes and just like that she was gone, in the blink of an eye my world came crashing down and I didn’t see it coming, none of us saw it coming. I sat beside her body with my hand in hers. A girl in the back said,
“We’re gonna die.” I took a deep breath and I closed my eyes. I tried to focus, focus on getting out and focus on surviving but all I could think of was her body falling to the floor. The door opened again. I kept my eyes closed, waiting for another gunshot, waiting for the bullet to pierce my skin. I waited for it to all end but a voice said,
“This floor’s clear, we’re here to evacuate.” Everyone ran out of the classroom, but I stayed. I couldn’t leave her, not like this. I didn’t want to leave her at all, I couldn’t imagine just leaving her here. The guy sat next to me and asked,
“Did you know her?” I opened my eyes and tears fell from my face. I wouldn’t be sitting here right now if she didn’t mean the world to me. No, she didn’t mean the world to me, she was my world. I answered,
“She was the love of my life.” He nodded, but he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand just how much she meant to me. He took a deep breath and said,
“We gotta get you outta here.” The guy grabbed my arm and said, “I am very sorry about your girlfriend but I have a job to do.” He pulled me up and dragged me out of the classroom. I couldn’t even fight him, I could barely move.
When the sun hit my face I knew it was over but she wasn’t by my side, she wasn’t here. I knew it was over but a part of me wished it never ended, I wished I was still holding her. I wished that I had saved her. I walked over to the ambulance, the driver looked me up and down, judging by the blood on my clothes he had to make sure I was okay. The truth is, I don’t think any of us are okay. He continued to look me up and down and asked,
“Are you hurt?” I shook my head, I couldn’t form any words. The paramedic asked, “who’s blood is that?” Before I could answer, before I could even think of an answer I heard a voice,
“Logan?” I turned around and saw my mom. She ran to me and hugged me, for a minute everything felt better. For a minute I was a little kid with not a care in the world, for a second I was happy and innocent. I sobbed in her arms, just the thought of Addison made me feel sick. Now the person I loved was just a stomach twisting memory. I whispered,
“She’s gone mom, she’s gone.” She pulled away and looked at me. At first she was confused but I saw it on her face as she pieced it together. It was like I saw a light bulb turn on. I saw it in her eyes that she knew, she saw the blood all over my pants. She asked,
“Addy?” I shook my head and she pulled me close, just hearing someone saying her name made my stomach turn. I sobbed on her shoulder. For the first time it felt real, it finally started to click. She wasn’t here, she was gone. She whispered, “I am so sorry.” I whispered,
“I told her everything was gonna be okay! I told her she was gonna be okay!” I told her that we were going to be okay and maybe it was a lie but I hoped it was true. She cupped my face and said,
“This is not your fault.” I nodded, but it was my fault. I shouldn’t have let her stand up, I should’ve tried to keep her alive. I shouldn’t have let her go, I should’ve tried harder. I look around and I see Luke handcuffed, I run towards him and yelled,
“You killed your sister! You killed her!” I couldn’t help but yell, it was like everything was built up and I couldn’t release it any other way. It was like my mouth had a mind of its own. My mom grabbed me and whispered,
“Logan, stop! He’s not worth it!” For a second it took everything I had not to run towards him and start punching him. Punching him until all I could see was red, even then I wouldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop until his chest stopped moving, until his heart stopped beating. I mumbled,
“He killed her, he took her from me!” I dropped to my knees, I couldn't feel anything. I felt numb, I felt nothing so I yelled, “he killed her! He’s the reason she’s not here!” She sat beside me, she grabbed my hand and said,
“I know, she wouldn’t want this. I know Addison, she wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself. She wouldn’t want you to do something you can’t take back.” I shake my head and sit there. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t feel my legs. I still felt numb, I couldn’t even get up, I could barely lift my hands to wipe the tears that fell from my cheeks.
Every time I close my eyes, even if it’s to blink, all I see is her body on the floor and her laying in a pool of her own blood. I look down at my hands, stained with her blood. The blood seemed to stick to my skin and stain it a faint red color. I asked,
“Don’t we have to talk to someone? Don’t we have to tell someone?” She shook her head. I added, “so I’m just supposed to act like she’s not dead? Just pretend everything’s okay?” She shook her head and answered,
“I don’t want you to pretend! I want you to grieve, and no not today, tomorrow you have to go down to the station to make a statement about what happened.” I nodded, it seemed the more I argued the less effective it was. We walked to the car, it was hard to walk. I didn’t know if it was my legs or my mind that made it hard, it felt like both. It felt like my body was slowly shutting down. As we drove I looked out the window, Addison loved the trees. She loved the colors and the calmness of sitting under a tree with a book. That’s one of the things I loved about her, it didn’t matter where we were she would always look for the beauty inside. Like the beauty in a dark storm would be the purple heat lighting, that’s how she thought.
I picture her under a tree reading a book, reading Romeo and Juilet, she loved Shakespear. She admired how he wasn’t afraid to write something with a tragic ending. She loved how he wrote so beautifully, she loved to talk about books and I loved to listen. I loved to listen to her go on and on about something I’ve never even known about. I’ve never read Shakespear but somehow when she explained it, it felt like I had.
I loved to listen while she rambled about the different books she read. Or how many times she read a book or how she would say, the world is a scary place but the imagination is even scarier. She seemed to understand everything she read on a deeper level. She loved reading because it took her away from everything. It took her somewhere that she could be herself, it let her escape the judgment of people who knew her.
I could imagine her in the car right now with a book she'd be reading but every time she read something cool she would tell me. It was as if I could picture her in the backseat with a book in her face. She was so excited to share what she read because she knew I would listen. I always listened, I loved hearing her voice. I loved how the words seemed to just flow out of her mouth.
When we pulled up at the house, my mom got out. I stayed in the car. I didn’t want to go inside and be slammed with questions. I didn’t want to go in because the second I did was the second she would disappear from the backseat. She wouldn’t be there anymore, not that she ever was but it was like I could feel her in the backseat. I was afraid that if I got out of the car I wouldn’t feel her anymore and I couldn’t handle it right now. I needed to be alone and I needed it to be quiet, the only voice I wanted to hear was hers.
3
I walked into the house, my pants stained with blood as were my hands. My mom and dad were talking, talking about Addison. They talked but somehow I couldn’t hear what they were saying. It was like my mind blocked out their voices, their lips were moving but I couldn’t hear them. I went to the bathroom to take a shower. My head was pounding, my body felt weak, I felt weak but maybe I was. I tried to scrub the blood off my hands but it wouldn’t come off, I didn’t expect the blood to come off because like people say, the blood is on my hands. I am to blame, therefore the blood on my hands.
The thought of her blood on my hands makes me sick, all I can see is her body on the floor and how I left her. How I let her go and how I gave up. Even though that is what she asked me to do I never should have. I never should have let her go, maybe there was a chance. Maybe she would still be here and maybe, just maybe I would feel a lot less guilty.
When I got out of the shower I went downstairs. I knew that being in my room wouldn’t help anything. I sat on the couch and stared at the wall. I didn’t want anyone to acknowledge me and I didn’t want to acknowledge me. I was just thinking, how could he do that? How could he do that to his own sister? How could one kill someone and not feel guilty? Why do I feel this much guilt and he feels none? My mom sat next to me and we sat in silence. The silence felt unbreakable. I couldn’t find the courage to break but I also couldn’t just sit there. I looked at her and I looked away, hoping she would start a conversation. Hoping that the silence would break and finally she said,
“None of this is your fault.” I silently shrugged. How could this not be my fault? I am the one who let her die. I am the one who did not jump in front of her. I am the one who allowed her to stand up and talk to him. I asked,
“Does her family know?” She shrugged. That was the one thing I hoped she knew. I hope her parents know, I hope that her parents feel how I feel right now. I hope they feel the pain they deserve, they deserve the pain because her pain was at the hands of them. Her parents treated her like garbage, they didn’t care about her. They abused her most of her childhood and only acted like they gave a shit about her when they were in public. I mumbled, “not like they would care.” My mom looked down and thought about what she wanted to say. From the moment I entered this house everyone has looked at me like I was a fragile child. They seemed to look at me like I could break any second and maybe, just maybe they were right. She finally said,
“I think they care that their daughter’s dead.” I shook my head, she didn’t know her family. She didn’t know how she grew up, no one did, except me. I looked down and mumbled,
“They didn’t give a shit about her.” She nodded, I could tell she didn’t believe me and I didn’t blame her. Who would believe that Addison, the perfect daughter, was abused? Who would believe that the perfect family wasn’t so perfect? I added, “you know most nights she would call me crying, she was so afraid of her father. She was so afraid he would lose his temper, so afraid of what he was capable of.” I shook my head and asked, “why do people hurt the ones they’re supposed to love the most?” She shrugged and answered,
“Sometimes people do horrible things and sometimes there’s a breaking point that no one knows about.” I take a deep breath and said,
“I’m gonna talk to her dad. I think I need to talk to him to understand.” My mom asked,
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” I shrugged, I didn’t know what to expect from him. I didn’t know his breaking point. I didn’t know how he would react to my questions or my opinions. I answered,
“Maybe not but I think I deserve to know why her brother did this.” She nodded and got up, I didn’t know if I really wanted to go. A part of me wanted to but they treated her like garbage. Why should I talk to them when she would cry about them? Her father was abusive, her mother was always belittling her. It seemed that they didn’t even realize how much of a good person she was.
I walked to her house, being on her street seemed different now. Being near her house felt different, not walking her home felt different. I would only be on her street to pick her up or walk her home and now there’s no reason to be here. No reason to take writing 101, the only reason I took that was for her. No reason to read Shakesper because I have no one to talk about it with anymore, there’s no reason to write letters because no one will ever read them.
The world just felt less bright without her, I didn’t have someone reminding me about how extraordinary I was or how proud they were of me when I aced a math test because she knew I struggled with it. I didn’t have someone to wake me up when I slept through my alarm, I didn’t have someone to walk me to class and tell me to have a great day. I didn’t have someone to automatically know I was upset without even saying anything. I didn’t have my bestfriend, I didn’t have the girl I loved or the girl who made me believe in myself. She was just gone, a part of me was gone, the best part of me.
I knocked on the door, I took a deep breath. I could feel the knots in my stomach as I waited for someone to answer the door. Her sister answered the door, her eyes were red and irritated. It was weird to see her sister like this, Addison and her sister were so different, they weren’t close but it didn’t mean she didn’t love her. It just never occurred to me this is how she would react. She asked,
“What are you doing here?” I couldn’t tell if that was a rhetorical question. She seemed to actually wonder why I was standing in front of her. I answered,
“I just wanna talk to your dad.” She shook her head, I could see her emotion shift, from sad to scared or nervous. She stood there looking at me for a second, our eyes were blank. She took a deep breath and said,
“It’s not a good time.” I hear yelling coming from inside, arguing. I could see the worry on her face or maybe it was just fear. She opens the door wider and I walk in, I see her mother sitting on the couch. I asked,
“Can we talk?” She smiled at me, and for a second it feels like Addison’s in the next room getting ready and I’m waiting for her. She scoots over and pats the couch softly. She asked,
“Were you with her?” I nodded, she closed her eyes to hold back her tears and asked, “was she in pain?” I nod softly. No parent wants to hear that their daughters' last moments were in pain. Her hand reached her mouth, she sobbed quietly. Her father comes into the room and yelled,
“Why is he here?” He paused for a second then added, “She’s not here anymore, get over it!” I couldn’t understand how a father, someone who was supposed to love her, could move on so easily. Her mom yelled,
“She was your daughter! Don’t talk about her like that!” I could hear her voice breaking as she yelled. He went back into the kitchen, he just walked away and her mom added, “I'm sorry, as you know Addison and her father never had a good relationship.” I nodded, she added, “I’m sorry that you had to be there when it happened.” She took a deep breath and added, “We are assessing this situation to the best of our ability. Some people may have not known but when Luke was younger he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We believe this was an action of a manic episode.” It was like she flipped a switch from mother of the victim to lawyer of the assailant. I asked,
“So because he had a manic episode it makes it okay? Your daughter died and your son killed her but it’s okay because he was off his meds, right?” She shook her head and announced,
“Our life is more complicated than that. You should know, our daughter had problems of her own and so does our son.” I nod and mumbled,
“You didn’t know her, not like I did. You didn’t know her, you knew who she was around you but she was different. She’s not the same person as you think she was.” I got off the couch and walked outside. Why don’t they care? Why are they protecting him? What makes his life more meaningful than hers was? I walked home and it felt different without her by my side.
I was scared of forgetting her, I was scared that the longer that she was gone, the easier her memory would fade. I thought that as time went on I would slowly forget her eye color, or her hair color, or her smile, or just her. I couldn’t imagine a world without her and if it was just her memory, I couldn’t imagine not knowing her.
When I got home my mom was waiting on the couch for me. Her legs were crossed and her eyes watched the door as I shut it behind me. I asked,
“What’s going on?” She stared at the door, making sure it was closed. She answered,
“The police station called and they need you to come down for questioning as soon as possible.”I couldn’t help but wonder why. They have everything they need, Luke literally had the gun in his hand and took multiple lives. I asked,
“Why do they need me? Are they arresting Luke?” She stood up and said,
“I don’t know, they just said they needed you for questioning.” I nodded and as we walked to the car I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. Something wasn’t right, something’s happening. Something’s wrong, no one’s talking about the murder, no one’s being arrested. No one is being held responsible. Someone needs to be responsible, someone, anyone.
4
When I walk into the police station my heart is in my stomach. I see Luke sitting in a chair talking to a police officer. He’s handcuffed to the chair and rambling. We go to the front desk and give them my name.
I sit down and wait for them to call me, I’m waiting to hear my name but my mind is blank. There’s nothing to think about, nothing peaceful at least. The only thing on my mind is seeing Addison’s body on the floor of the classroom, other than that there’s nothing. Every time I close my eyes, it’s just her and all the blood. I hear a deep voice announce,
“Logan Fields, follow me.” I stand up and walk towards the man, my mother trailing behind me. We sit in a room, the officer and I on opposite sides of the table. He asked,
“So you and the victim were dating?” A chill went up my spine as he said victim. I answered,
“There were a lot of victims that day but Addison, yes.” He nodded and asked,
“Did you argue a lot? Fight over small things?” I answered,
“What does that have to do with anything?” The officer cleared his throat and answered,
“Just a question.” I answered,
“Every couple argues, we didn’t argue much but we did sometimes.” It didn’t make sense, why was he asking me? Why did it matter if we argued when Luke was the one holding the gun? He nodded and wrote it down in his notebook. He asked,
“What did you argue about? College? Going to different colleges? Separating?” I took a deep breath and asked,
“Again, how is this relevant?” He answered,
“We like to take a look at all the aspects of her life?” I answered,
“I guess we argued over college, we’re juniors and we had to really start thinking about it.” The officer nodded and asked,
“Did it ever get heated? Ever physical?” I quickly answered,
“Never. When it got heated we stepped away and cooled down for a little.” He nodded and announced,
“A witness stated that you and the victim were arguing this morning in the parking lot. The witness stated that you grabbed her arm and she pushed you, does this sound right?” I tried to think back to this morning, I couldn’t remember anything before the shooting. I answered,
“No, we met at her locker this morning. Her brother drove her to school.” I close my eyes as I realize Luke drove her to school this morning. Luke was with her just before the shooting, Luke was the one she was arguing with. I added, “her brother drove her to school.” The officer asked,
“The shooter?” I nodded. I took a deep breath and the officer added, “so if the shooter was her brother, why would her older brother ever hurt her?” I shrugged and answered,
“There is no if, they didn’t have the best relationship, Addison and her family were never close. She was always arguing with her family.” The officer nodded and asked,
“What would they argue about?” I answered,
“She never told me, she would be so upset that she didn’t wanna talk about it.” The officer nodded again and it began to feel like it was just a game of truths. It felt like it wasn’t an actual conversation, just questions. He cleared his throat and asked,
“Can you tell me the actions between the shooter and victim before the shots were fired?” I nodded and answered,
“He seemed angry but upset at the same time. He kept saying that we were trying to kill him, that Addison was trying to kill him. He called her a self centered bitch, he turned the gun on himself and said he was sorry, he turned the gun on her and shot her. Then he ran, like nothing happened.” The officer nodded and asked,
“I understand this is hard for you but did Addison ever talk about taking her own life?” I look up from the ground and asked,
“What? No, never!” The officer nodded and put a piece of paper in front of me. He cleared his throat and said,
“We found a letter on her computer, a suicide note. She was saying goodbye to everyone, saying goodbye as if dying.” I shook my head and said,
“No, she wouldn’t! She didn’t, her brother shot her!” The officer stated,
“The witnesses stated that she was very quick to let go, she was very quick to give up.” I shook my head and yelled,
“She wouldn’t fucking kill herself! I know her, she wouldn’t do that! She watched her brother kill himself!” He got frustrated and slammed his hand down on the table as he yelled,
“Then why the hell did this seventeen year old, happy and healthy girl just give up? Why did she let go Logan?” I answered,
“I don’t fucking know!” I banged my hand on the table and yelled, “maybe because her father was an abusive piece of shit or maybe because her mother didn’t give a damn about her and made sure that she felt worthless everyday! She was fucking breaking and I was trying to put the god damn pieces back together!” The officer sat down and asked,
“How do you know her father was abusive?” I answered,
“She showed me the bruises, I wanted to get her outta there, we were gonna get her outta there! We were gonna leave, that’s what the note was, we were trying to get her out!” The officer sighed and nodded as he said,
“You’re free to go.” I stood up and asked,
“That’s it? We’re done?” The officer walked out of the room. My mother stood in front of me and asked,
“Are you okay?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again and I’m waiting for someone to realize and stop asking that!” She rubbed my back and whispered,
“You’ll be okay, it’ll just take a while.” I nodded, as I walked out of the room I heard yelling. Screaming almost, I look over and see Luke screaming. He’s yelling at the top of his lungs as if someone’s killing him. He yelled,
“I didn’t mean to kill her! I swear!” The police officer drags him away, I thought I was supposed to feel better, I thought it would make it better but it kind of just felt real. Him being dragged away made it feel real, it made it seem like she was really gone. It made reality set in.
As we sat in the car I could feel the tension. I could feel the fear of talking in the car. I could feel my mother's anger but it felt like she was disappointed. My mother asked,
“Were you really gonna run away?” I shrugged and answered,
“She didn’t wanna leave, she wanted to finish high school. I knew she couldn’t handle it, they were breaking her. In all honesty, I was ready to go. I was just waiting for her.” I kept my eyes out the window, I kept thinking about how our life would be different if we left. If we left she would have never been shot, she would still be here.
She would be in the back seat reading, smiling. I would look back and just admire her smile and watch as the sun reflected on her face.
5
When I walked in the door I could feel my father staring at me, I could feel the tension in the house. I could feel how they walked on eggshells around me. I could feel the soft approach and I knew that they didn’t know how to talk to me anymore. I sat on the couch and could feel my father staring at me. My mother sat next to me and they both stared at me. My mother announced,
“We need to talk.” I nodded and my father began,
“We’re worried about you, we’re worried that you might fall back into some old habits. We knew that Addison was the one who pulled you out of those habits, and we don’t wanna risk you falling back.” I nodded and I didn’t want to lie, that hurt but I understood where they were coming from. I took a deep breath and said,
“Addy was the one who pulled me out of the dark whole I created, I wouldn’t risk disappointing her.” My mother nodded and said,
“We know how much Addison meant to you, she meant something to all of us. We saw how happy she made you, we know that this won’t be easy. We understand.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“You don’t understand.” I rubbed my face and sighed. She touched my shoulder as she got up, I watched as my father’s attention went back to the tv. I walked up to my room and sat on the edge of my bed.
Addison always laid across the bed and let her feet hang off. She always had a book in her hand, she would always laugh about how fake some of the things were or laugh at how cringey some of the couples were.
She said that she read books and always imagined us as the main characters, always imagining us being on adventures. Always imagined us being one of the greens who were super smart and running from the government.
Or us being a part of dauntless together running from the government because we were actually Divergent. It was always us, together. It was always us against the world, us against everyone else.
It was always easy, she made everything easier. She made my life worth living, she didn’t know that. I wish I could’ve told her that she was the reason I was breathing. She was the reason I kept going, she was the reason why I got clean.
Freshman year of high school, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd, I started drinking, I started to dabble in drugs. Addison saved me, she helped me get clean and she was there through all my relapses. She never left my side and maybe I was just a charity case, but it never felt like that. Somehow she made it seem effortless, she made it seem like she was doing it for fun and not because she needed too.
I searched through the medicine cabinet for something to calm my nerves, something to make it easier, something to soften the blow. Something to make it easier, something to stop the memories from creeping into my mind, something to make it stop. To make everything just stop, just for a little while.
I found a bottle of pills they prescribed to me last June, after I got in a car accident. I read the label, oxycodone.
You know when we’re kids they tell us, don’t do drugs, don’t be stupid, but is making the pain go away so wrong? Is making the world stop spinning for a second so bad?
I took a three, and at first I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel good but I didn’t feel bad either, I didn’t feel anything. I felt tired but I was too scared to sleep. I was scared of seeing the blood again, I was scared of seeing her face as her eyes closed. Soon my eyes got too heavy, too heavy where I couldn’t even keep them open.
When I woke up I felt happier but I didn’t feel better, I didn’t feel how I wanted to. I didn’t feel less guilty and I knew it was because she was still gone, she was still dead it didn’t matter how many pills I took. She will always be gone and there was nothing I could do about it.
I woke up and sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I could hear my parents downstairs, arguing about me. Arguing about what they’re going to do, how to approach me. They didn’t even know how to talk to me anymore, they didn’t know what to say anymore. Not after today, but now everything’s different. I took a deep breath and turned my light on, sitting on my bed was Addison. I gasped and slid towards my head board. I yelled,
“What the hell?” She looked at me and asked,
“You relapsed?” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping this nightmare would be over when I opened my eyes. I opened one eye, she added, “still here.” I asked,
“What the hell is going on?” She stood up and answered,
“You relapsed and now I’m here. You’re hallucinating.” I shook my head and announced,
“This is just a dream, no not a dream, a goddamn nightmare!” She took a deep breath and asked,
“Why am I here Logan?” I yelled,
“I don’t fucking know!” She shook her head and stood up. She walked over to my closet and announced,
“I think that you blame yourself, I think you feel guilty and it’s eating you alive.” I sat in silence as I stared at her, I knew she wasn’t real but it felt better to see her, it felt better to hear her voice. She sat back on the bed and whispered, “you know I’m not really here.” I whispered,
“I can’t imagine a world without you.” I watched as she cupped my face, I couldn’t feel it because it wasn’t real but it felt real. I wanted it to be real. She whispered,
“I’m already gone baby, and it’s not your fault.” I closed my eyes, when I opened my eyes a tear fell down my cheek. I said,
“I’m sorry.” She smiled and said,
“Don’t be, we were too strong for this life. We’ll be together again, just not right now.” She cupped my face and disappeared and just like that she was gone, again. I walked out of the room and into the hallway, the house seemed empty, it was quiet and eerie. I started to feel lightheaded but I still felt okay, I still didn't feel better. I didn’t feel anything at all. I walked downstairs and saw my mother talking on the phone, yelling and almost screaming. My father sat on the couch watching tv, there was a basketball game playing.
I felt my ears start to ring, my face started to feel like it was burning. I could feel my eyes start to get heavy, I fell to the ground. I felt the impact as my head hit the ground.
My eyes closed slowly, my body shook. I could hear her voice, I could see her. She shook her head and I asked,
“What now?” She shrugged, I could see her, I touched her face but this time I could feel her. She pushed away, I whispered, “that’s not supposed to happen.” She took a deep breath and whispered,
“You have to wake up, they need you!” I shook my head and said,
“I need you, I love you!” She smiled and said,
“I love you too, but it’s not our time. You’re not done yet, you have to fall in love, you have to move on!” I shook my head and said,
“I did, I fell in love! I’m ready, I’m done!” She shook her head again and whispered,
“You always wanted kids, you are gonna be a great father! You need to live out your life!” I shook my head and mumbled,
“I don’t want kids if I can’t have them with you!” I moved the hair from her face, she grabbed my wrist and pushed me away. I asked, “why won’t you let us be happy?” She closed her eyes as tears fell down her face, she whispered,
“Wake up.” I gasped for air as I jolted up, my mother sitting beside me, she yelled,
“What happened?” I took a deep breath and answered,
“I tripped and hit my head.” I looked at my dad as he walked over to me, he stuck his hand out and asked,
“You okay?” I nodded, I walked over to the couch and sat down next to my brother. He was playing a game on his tablet, and my mom gave me a glass of water. My mom sat next to me and handed me an envelope, it had my name on it. I knew the handwriting, I knew who wrote it. My mother announced,
“Her sister found it when she was cleaning out her room.” I asked,
“They’re already cleaning out her room?” She shrugged and put the envelope on my lap. I took a deep breath and opened the envelope. The envelope had a letter and some pictures in it, pictures of us. I smiled as I skimmed through the pictures. There was one picture that stuck out, she was in a white dress, lace at the top but beautiful blue flowers on the bottom. It was last summer, we were at a lake and of course she had a book, and I remember she wouldn’t go in the water.
She wanted to read and she did, she was one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met. If she told you she was going to do something, without a doubt she was going to.
6
The letter was about the day at the lake, about what happened that day, about what she read or what we did together. I smiled as I read the letter, one sentence stuck out to me, he was a man written by a woman, a man who cared.
She never expected someone reading this, the way she wrote it was captivating. It was detailed and it was beautiful, it seemed natural. I put the letter back into the envelope. I asked,
“Who were you yelling at on the phone?” My mom turned around and shook her head as she answered,
“No one, I wasn’t on the phone.” I stood up and said,
“Yeah, you were. You were on the phone yelling right before I fell.” She shook her head again and said,
“I think you’re just confused, maybe you need to get some rest.” She smiled and added, “I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.” I walked to my room and shut the door, she was on the phone right before I collapsed, I could hear her yelling from my room. I went back to the bathroom, I needed to see her again. I needed to talk to her, I just needed her to be here again.
I went back into the medicine cabinet, and I opened the bottle. My mind tells me to put the bottle back, don’t fall back into this habit but I had to see her. I got to see her again when I took the pills. I put four in my hand, maybe the first time it wasn’t strong enough.
I took a deep breath and filled the paper cups on the sink with water, I put the pills in my mouth, then the water. I swallowed the pills and went back into my room, I laid on my bed and felt my eyes get heavy.
When I opened my eyes I saw her, she didn’t say anything. She sat on the bed and stared at me, I stared back at her. She mumbled,
“What the actual hell are you doing?” I shrugged and looked down. She yelled, “do you know how stupid this is? Just to see a hallucination of me?” He answered,
“Why am I seeing you?” She answered,
“Because you're so high that your mind shows you what you wanna see. Apparently deep down, you want me to talk you out of this.” I shifted in my bed. I asked,
“Why doesn’t your family care that you’re dead?” She looked down and asked,
“Why doesn’t your family realize you’re getting high?” I shrugged, it all seems worth it when she’s here. Getting high, taking drugs, all the long term effects can be harmful but it all feels worth it when I see her. She said, “Logan, you can’t keep doing this.” I nodded. I could see her shifting towards me. She added, “you need help, you need to talk to someone. This is only day one, who knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow. I need you to get help.” I asked,
“Why are you so against us?” She answered,
“Because I’m not real! I’m not Addison, I’m something your mind created for you to feel better! Addison is gone and I’m sorry but I’m not her!” I looked up at her, her nose piercing was on the left instead of the right.
She didn’t have blue eyes, they were brown. I realized that I was trying to make something out of nothing. I was trying to create Addison when she was already gone. I asked,
“Why won’t you go away?” She answered,
“Because you’re still thinking about her, you still wanna see her.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I tried to get Addison out of my mind but when I opened my eyes she was still there. I took a deep breath and announced,
“I think I’m always gonna think about her, I’m always gonna need her.” I could feel my eyes getting heavier, and eventually they closed, everything went black. Addison was always the one thing that kept me going, the person I knew had my back.
When I woke up I could feel my body shaking, I could feel my face burning. I took a deep breath and got out of bed. It was dark out, I walked out into the hallway but all the lights were off, everyone was in their rooms. I looked at my phone, 1:21 a.m, I opened instagram, there were hundreds of posts saying what a tragedy today was. How many precious lives were lost.
18 people were injured, 5 dead. Addison being one of the 5, I wished she was one of the 18, I wished she was still here but reality doesn’t always work in our favor. Life will still go on, everyone’s life will go on, but mine will never feel the same again.
Mine will never be the same and no one will realize because this will be marked as an accident but something they don’t understand is, her brother killed her. Why would a brother shoot and kill his own sister?
I opened Facebook, memorial posts to all the lives lost. I clicked on Addison’s mother’s page, nothing about Addison. Nothing, not one post, not one post about her. She shared an article about Luke, explaining why he shouldn’t go to jail, fighting for him after he murder her daughter.
I fell back asleep, it took a while for my mind to slow down. My mind was going a thousand miles a minute, all I kept seeing was Addison’s body on the ground. All the blood on my hands, how she started to close her eyes, how she gave up.
Yesterday just kept playing in my head, all the faces in the classroom, Luke, all the cries and screams. All the echoes from the gunshots, all the footsteps running to a classroom. I remembered something, I remembered when Luke walked into the classroom there was someone who walked in behind him.
Someone was staring over his shoulder, convincing him to shoot Addison, but I couldn’t remember who. I couldn’t remember his face, the only thing I remembered was there was someone else. There was someone else behind this, someone else is also responsible for Addison’s murder.
7
When I woke up, I could only think of the other person. The other person in the room, the other person responsible. It couldn’t just be a random person, right? What if Addison was just an unplanned hit? What if Addison’s death wasn’t planned?
You would think if you were shooting up a school there would be some type of plan, but what if there wasn’t? What if he was just in class and he snapped? Where did he get the gun? Where did the gun come from? His father? All these questions, why aren’t the cops asking these questions? Or are they?
I closed my eyes, trying to see the second guy, trying to think of who it was. Trying to remember something, anything. It was like my mind blocked out all the important details. It was like I didn’t actually see it happen, like a blur of colors. I took a deep breath and whispered,
“Adrian.” I ran down the stairs and found my mom sitting at the kitchen table. I yelled, “we have to go back to the police station!” She asked,
“Why? What’s wrong?” I answered,
“Luke wasn’t alone, I just remembered that he wasn’t working alone!” She shakes her head and said,
“I think you’re just a little foggy, I think you should go back upstairs and get some more sleep and if you still think he wasn’t alone, then we can go.” I shook my head and asked,
“Why? I know something that could be crucial to Addison’s case, why wait?” She answered,
“Logan, I think it’s for your own good. I think that you're just sleep deprived.” I asked,
“What are you not telling me?” She shook her and answered,
“Nothing.” I shook my head, I stood in the doorway of our kitchen, I walked closer towards the table. I asked,
“I know when you’re lying, what are you not telling me?” She looks up at me and answered,
“Luke isn’t being charged, he’s been sent to an institute for the mentally unstable.” My eyes darted to hers, I asked,
“Are you serious? No, they can’t do that! She is dead, he killed her! She is gone because of him and now he’s just being shipped off to the looney bin?” She looked down, I looked down at my feet and asked, “so that’s it? Her life doesn’t even matter?” I could almost see the wheels turning in her head. My eyes filled with tears, my mom asked,
“Do you think that telling the cops might help?” I shrugged, they wouldn’t believe me. There’s a bang on the door, I walked to the door and answered the door. The officer asked,
“Logan Fields?” I nod, he puts his hand on my shoulder and grabs my wrist, pinning my hand behind my back. He added, “Logan Fields, you’re under arrest for murdering Addison Montgomery. Anything you say or do can be used in the court of law.” I shake my head and announced,
“No, this is a mistake! I didn’t kill her, I would never hurt her!” He yelled,
“Do you understand?” His voice echoed through the house and I shook my head, I didn't understand. Why would they try to pin this on me? My mom sprints from the kitchen, she yelled,
“Where are you taking him? He didn’t do anything wrong!” I stay quiet as he drags me out of the house. He pushes me into the cop car and drives to the police station. There’s a knot in my stomach, my head is going a thousand miles a minute. The officer stays quiet, so do I. My body shakes as we get closer, I could feel myself sweating.
I didn’t do it, I’m not guilty. I want to yell at the top of my lungs but nothing comes out, only silence. When we got to the police station the officer grabbed my arm and dragged me inside. He sat me down in a room by myself, handcuffed to the table.
It felt like a lifetime before an officer came in, he sat in front of me. He put a file in front of me, the name on the file was Logan Fields, it was my file. The officer announced,
“It looks like you’ve been in trouble before.” I nodded, he flipped through the file. He added, “theft, possession of drug substances, breaking and entering. Should I go on?” I shrugged. He asked, “why was a freshman doing drugs?” I answered,
“Wrong crowd, I guess.” The officer asked,
“You guess?” I asked,
“Am I being charged for murder or is this a date? Are you trying to get to know me?” The officer answered,
“Maybe.” I leaned forward and whispered,
“One thing to know about me is that I’m not a murder.” I look around, the room is dark, it only has one light. It felt humid and stuffy. I looked back at the officer. He asked,
“How long were you and Addison in a relationship?” I answered,
“Almost three years.” The officer nodded and asked,
“You got together freshman year?” I nodded, we started dating halfway through freshman year. The officer asked, “did you ever fight?” I answered,
“I already went over this with the other officer.” He nodded and announced,
“Well, I need you to tell me. Did you ever fight?” I answered,
“Small fights, every relationship has its issues.” The officer asked,
“What were the fights about?” I rolled my eyes and answered,
“Sometimes about family, sometimes about school.” The officer asked,
“About family? What specifically about family?” I answered,
“How her family treated her, they treated her like shit.” The officer nodded and said,
“There were multiple witness statements saying that you and Addison Montgomery were fighting just a day before the shooting, is this true?” I nodded, the officer brought out another file, this time reading the paper inside. He stated,
“I saw Logan and Addison fighting, it seemed like Logan was really mad. He grabbed her arm when she walked away but she yelled at him. Care to explain?” I shrugged, what was I supposed to say? I grabbed her arm to try to explain but she yelled, that’s what happened. The officer asked, “why were you arguing?” I answered,
“College, I told her to go to whatever college she wanted to but she didn’t wanna be a part. She wanted to break up.” The officer nodded and asked,
“So you were angry? Maybe even upset at the fact that she wanted to break up?” I looked down, I knew if I answered he would try to pin this on me. I announced,
“There was another person, another guy with Luke.” He nodded and said,
“Okay, who?” I shrugged. The officer shook his head and added, “I know that your girlfriend died, I also know that you wouldn’t bring that up if you didn’t know who it was.” I answered,
“I think it was Adrian Maxwell.” The officer nodded and stood up, he walked around the table and asked,
“What was his motive?” I shrugged again, the officer added, “I mean there has to be a motive, why Addison? Why your girlfriend?” I looked up and asked,
“You think someone did this because of me?” He shrugged and answered,
“It’s a possibility, it could be because they woke up on the wrong side of the bed, no one knows why people do these things, but it’s my job to figure this out. I need to know everything, every secret, every lie.” I answered,
“He was Addison’s ex, they ended on bad terms.” He asked,
“By bad terms, you mean you?” I nodded. The officer lets out a frustrated sigh. I take a deep breath. He takes the handcuffs off and said, “It looks like we have murder to solve and you’re gonna help me. You seem to be the only person in this town who knows Addison. I need you to be Addison.” I nodded, now I wasn’t a suspect, I was a detective.
8
We sit in this room for hours, going over almost every detail of Addison’s life. I take a deep breath and asked,
“What’s your name?” The officer turns his head and asked,
“What?” I answered,
“If we’re gonna be spending all this time together, I need to know your name.” He rolled his eyes, it was like I asked him to marry me or something. He took a deep breath and said,
“Robert Johnson, FBI.” I nodded, he already knew my name. He knew my life, my file. He knew almost everything about me. He added, “so what happened between Adrian and Addison?” I laughed and answered,
“That’s a long story.” He shook his head and asked,
“How did it end?” I look down and mumbled,
“He caught Addison and I making out.” I could feel him walking towards me. He asked,
“So Addison cheated? With you?” I nodded and kept my eyes on my shoes. He shook his head and asked, “did he hold a grudge?” I answered,
“If we’re sitting here trying to pin him with murder, I think that’s a fair observation.” He nodded and gave me a card. He said,
“If you think of anything else, call me.” I got up and asked,
“That’s it? No arresting? You’re not even gonna bring him in?” Robert answered,
“These things take time.” I yelled,
“Screw time! You have murder and you’re not even gonna do anything!” He shook his head and said,
“It’s not like it’s unsolved, Luke Montgomery killed his sister, along with four other people. We solved it.” I asked,
“What about Adrian?” Robert shook his head and answered,
“There’s no evidence, it’ll be your word against his.” I asked,
“I’m just supposed to give up on her?” I realized that I was talking about her as if she’s still here. He shakes his head and answered,
“No, you didn’t give up on her.” My eyes filled with tears. I mumbled,
“It’s my fault.” He stands up and puts his hands on my shoulder. He said,
“Hey kid, it’s not your fault. People do terrible things everyday, she just happened to be in the crossfire. None of this is your fault, you tried to save her.” I asked,
“How do you know that?” How did he know that I tried to save her? He smiled and answered,
“I saw you, you tried. You’re a real hero, do you think every hero saves everyone?” I shook my head, he nodded and said, “exactly.” I nodded and took a deep breath, he asked, “you okay?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t know.” He patted me on the back and said,
“You’ll get there, eventually.” He walked out of the room and for a second it was silent, I enjoyed the silence a lot more now. It was peaceful and calming in some way. I walked out of the room and my mom was sitting on the chairs next to the room. She hugged me and asked,
“Are you okay?” I nodded and smiled, it was easier to lie to her. It was a lot easier to not have to answer questions. It was easier to deal with everything by myself instead of her down with me.
When we got home there was something taped to our door. A card, I opened the card and saw a picture of Addison. It was a memorial card, her funeral’s tomorrow, at a park. The park where we had our first kiss. I know that’s not the reason it’s at this park but I’d like to look at it that way.
We were sitting on swings, cliche I know but it was a mess. We couldn’t even look at each other without laughing. We couldn’t even keep a straight face long enough to have a conversation, we talked for hours and then it got less awkward.
I remember the first conversation we had, it was about her brother. How he would torment her and how he would make fun of her. She went on and on about how much she looked up to him, but three weeks later he was gone.
When he died it absolutely broke her, when she found him she was never the same. She wouldn’t eat, she wouldn’t sleep. She wouldn’t even talk, she was simply just there. She wasn’t her bubbly self for months but eventually she talked, she talked about him. We talked about him at that park, now she would be the one everyone talked about.
I fell asleep that night knowing I would have to watch my girlfriend getting buried. I would watch her be gone in the blink of an eye. I would put on my suit, the same suit I wore to homecoming, a black suit. We wore black to homecoming, she looked beautiful in her long black dress.
I take a deep breath as I look at myself in the mirror. I close my eyes and wonder how we got here. How did we end up here? What went wrong? We were happy, we were so happy but now, what’s there to be happy about? Should I be happy she’s in a better place? Maybe. Should I be happy she doesn’t feel pain anymore? Absolutely. What about me? What about my pain? Why is everyone so goddamn happy? They’re acting like nothing happened.
I walk down the stairs and I see my mother staring at the pictures on the wall. I stop at the bottom of the stairs and watch the house stand still. I watch as the silence grows stronger, I can feel everything starting to fade away.
My mom finally acknowledges me, turns her head and smiles. I try to smile but I can’t. It feels like I physically can’t smile, I’m too weak to smile. I grab my keys from the table, she grabs my hand and asked,
“Do you want me to come with you?” I shake my head and walk towards the door. As soon as I reach the door my mother calls, “Logan.” I turn to look at her. Hoping she comes to the door and tells me everything’s going to be okay. She added, “happy birthday.” I nodded, I forgot it was my birthday. I forgot that the world keeps moving even when you don’t, it keeps spinning.
At a young age I learned that the world will continue moving, it continues even if you don’t want it to. It doesn’t stop for you to catch your breath, it doesn’t stop for you to take a time out. It just doesn’t stop.
9
There were about twenty people at the park, some faces I recognized, others I didn’t. I took a deep breath and walked to the swing set. I sat there for a while. I watched as everyone stood up and said a few words, people who didn’t even know her. Her own family didn’t even know her, they pretended like they loved her until she screwed up, then they threw her to the curb like a piece of garbage.
I walked over to the open area the funeral was in, I stood there and watched as her father talked. I exclaimed,
“Bullshit!” Everyone turned around and I walked closer into the crowd. I yelled, “everyone in her family treated her like shit. Her sister was the only one who is a goddamn decent person! Her father used to beat the shit out of her and got away with it. Her mother’s a goddamn junkie, her brother killed himself and her other brother’s the one who fucking killed her!” Her mother grabbed my arm and mumbled,
That’s enough!” I pulled my arm away and yelled,
“Nobody wants to fucking admit that she was alone! The only person she had was me! You don’t get to stand up there and say all these fucking lies! You didn’t fucking know her! She was one of the best goddamn people I’ve ever met, she found a way to be happy even when her life was hell.” I could barely see through the tears streaming down my face. I added, “she is the best thing that ever happened to me.” I cleared my throat and mumbled, “was, she was.” Her mother took me in her arms and said,
“She loved you.” I broke down in her arms, I sobbed as she held me in her arms. I fell to my knees and so did she. We cried together, she may have treated Addison horribly but she was still her daughter, nothing could change that.
I could see everyone’s eyes filled with tears, everyone was crying but they didn’t know her. They didn’t know how happy she was, how full of life she was. They didn’t see her when the bullet hit her, they didn’t see how she fell to the ground, I did. I had to watch her bleed out in front of me. I had to watch her close her eyes, I had to listen to her telling me to let her go.
I stood up and walked over to the bench where I sat for what felt like hours. Her father sat next to me, we sat in silence for a while. At first it was annoying but it grew peaceful. He mumbled,
“You’re right.” I turned my head and I could see him staring at the playground. I looked down and mumbled,
“I wish I wasn’t.” He mumbled,
“She didn’t deserve this, no one deserves this. You’re right, I didn’t know her.” He stops, he closes his eyes and adds, “can you tell me about her?” I smiled, just the memory of her made me happy. I cleared my throat and answered,
“She was always reading, it didn’t matter where we were. She would always say, mens est scarier quam veritas.” He asked,
“What does it mean?” I smiled and answered,
“The mind is scarier than the truth, I think she read it in a book once. She lived by it, she started learning latin.” I smiled as I thought of her, I laughed and added, “she used to say phrases and I would be so lost, I wouldn’t know what she said and she smiled and taught me. That was the only phrase I really remembered.” He smiled but his smile faded the more he thought of her. He asked,
“Did she hate me?” I shook my head and smiled as I answered,
“She wasn’t capable of hate, she cared too much. She didn’t hate you, she hated how you made her feel, but you, no.” He nodded. He deserved to be hated but in the end Addison cared too much, the hate would have eaten her alive. He asked,
“Do you wanna come by the house? You can take a look at her room and take what you want before we take it to storage.” I nodded. It felt different actually having a conversation with him, I’ve always hated him for Addison and maybe a part of me still does.
I think a part of me will always hate him, there will always be a part of me that blames him for not teaching Luke right from wrong. Or maybe just for not being a good father.
I got in my car and drove to Addison’s house, being outside of her house made it all feel real and not seeing her on the porch made reality set in. It made everything seem real, it didn’t click until now, Addison wasn’t going to read her books to me anymore, she wouldn’t explain Latin to me.
She wouldn’t be here to pick me up when I was down, she wouldn’t be here to celebrate my birthday, she’ll miss everything.
As I walked to the porch I remembered all the late night talks on this porch. That time we broke the porch swing from swinging to high. Or the next day when I had to fix the porch swing. Or the time when she was so excited because her poem was published in the school newspaper. Or the time that she cried after her brother’s funeral.
I stood in front of her front door, a part of me was hoping she would come outside but I knew she wasn’t going to.
A part of me hoped this was all a bad dream but maybe life’s just one big bad dream. Maybe it doesn’t get better, or maybe it just takes a while.
I stood in the doorway of her room, her room looked the same as it did just before the shooting. It looks like she got up for school and made her bed, it looks like she got dressed and left for school but then she never came back.
10
I sat on the edge of her bed, as I looked around I tried to imagine her doing daily tasks. Doing her makeup, making her bed, or getting dressed. I could see it in my mind but as soon as I blinked, it was gone.
Her sister stood in the doorway, she looked around and our eyes locked. She said,
“She always had the bigger room.” A laugh crept out of her, I smiled. Her sister added, “the thing you did at the funeral, I think it was cool.” I mumbled,
“Cool?” I added, “it wasn’t cool, it was the truth.” She nodded, she opened Addison’s closet and pulled out a stuffed bear. She said,
“I think she would want you to have this.” I took the bear and mumbled,
“She kept it?” Her sister smiled and nodded, she walked out of the room but before leaving she answered,
“She loved you, of course she kept it.” I nodded and looked down, the bear was still missing an eye, his fur was rough, his color was darker. I remember when I got her this bear, when she broke her wrist. She was so upset because she couldn’t play volleyball, she needed something to cheer her up.
I brought the bear to my chest, I took a deep breath and laid back on the bed. I remembered when I laid on the bed and Addison read, I laid on her legs as she read. She ran her fingers through my hair, and talked about the book. We were happy and now there is no we. There’s only memories but what happens when those memories fade?
What happens when I get old and I just can’t remember? What happens when everyone we think we know, we don’t know anymore? I guess we just simply forget. What happens when one day I can’t remember her? What happens when she’s just gone?
I take a deep breath and sit up, her mother’s standing in the doorway. The silence feels heavy, it feels eerie. She walks towards the vanity and opens the drawer. She takes out a notebook and hands it to me. She announced,
“She was planning a surprise party for you. She never got to finish.” I look through the notebook, her handwriting is flawless. She writes in almost cursive, she writes with a pen mostly. She always writes the same, always the same cursive. I smiled but the more I thought about it my smile faded. I stood up and asked,
“Can I have this?” She smiled and nodded, it was Addison’s journal, she wrote in it almost everyday. I walked out of her room, I saw all these pictures on the wall. Pictures of a happy family, a family smiling and sitting together. The funny thing is that a picture only captures a second of someone’s life and can be altered to be anything. These pictures are taken seconds before a disaster, that disaster is called life. For a second they paused their life to take that picture, they stopped arguing and fighting long enough to take a picture, then their life continued.
I got in my car and drove home, when I walked through the door my mom yelled,
“Happy birthday!” There were people who I didn’t even recognize, my parent’s friends. I smiled and my mom hugged me, I take a deep breath and whispered,
“Why did you do this?” She answered,
“You’re in a funk, you need to get out of it.” I stepped back and asked,
“So you think that a party is gonna make me get over it? Or should I just get over it like it never happened? Like she’s not dead?” My mom shook her head and answered,
“No, I just want you to be better.” I yelled,
“Well I’m not better! I will never be better, and I’m waiting for someone to figure that out!” Everyone stared at us, I turned to the crowd of people. Looking at their faces, seeing the pity written all over their faces. I yelled,
“Today I went to my girlfriend’s funeral! Today is my birthday and it’s marked as the day I watched them bury my girlfriend! I’m sorry that I’m not in the mood to party!” I went up to my room, I couldn’t sit down there and watch as everyone laughed and talked. My mom came into my room, she sat on the edge of the bed. She sat in silence, I added, “what? You want me to apologize?” She shook her head and answered,
“No, I want you to talk to me.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“There’s nothing to talk about.” She said,
“We never talked about it, we never sat down and talked about what happened.” She took a deep breath and added, “tell me what happened.” I asked,
“Do you know what it feels like to watch someone bleed out in front of you? She begged me to let her go and maybe, just maybe if I fought for her she would still be here.” She rubbed my arm and mumbled,
“It’s not your fault!” I exclaimed,
“Everyone keeps saying that but it is! I let her give up, I let her go! I gave up on her!” She shook her head and said,
“You didn’t give up on her, she didn’t want you to see her in pain. She didn’t want you to blame yourself when you couldn’t save her. She needed you to let her go, she needed to let you go.” I took a deep breath and sobbed,
“A part of me hates her, a part of me wishes that it was me, I wish it was me! I hate her for what she did!” She touched my arm and whispered,
“I know, it’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to be angry!” I shook my head and asked,
“How can I be angry when I’m the one who gave up? You know a part of me wishes that it was me, I wish that she was still here.” She shook her head and I added, “I can’t imagine a world without her.” She nodded and whispered,
“I know.” She doesn’t know, that’s the thing, no one understands. No one could possibly understand how it feels to be the reason someone is dead. She’s gone, and I’m one of the reasons why.
11
I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. My head is pounding. I think of going back to the bathroom, the bottle in the medicine cabinet feels like a good idea, a better option. Better than this, better than the pain. The more I take, the better I feel. The more I think, the more I contemplate. I ask myself, what could happen? What could happen if they were prescribed to me? They were for me, they’re mine.
I sit on the edge of my bed, I keep thinking about the pills in the medicine cabinet, just to make it easier, just enough to feel better, I tell myself. Enough to make the pain stop is what I tell myself, just enough, just two maybe three, but the best liars are the ones who actually believe the lies they say.
Just enough, just enough for me to feel relaxed. Just to make the pain stop, just to make my head stop pounding. Just enough. Two or three is all it might take, maybe one. I walk to the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t recognize the person looking back at me.
I opened the medicine cabinet, the bottle was in my hand, I could feel the movement in my hand as I carried the pill bottle into my room. I took a deep breath as I opened the bottle, my head was telling me to close the bottle, don’t be an idiot. I needed to feel better, I needed all the pain to stop, all the pain and the guilt. I needed to stop thinking about her. I wanted her to stop creeping inside of my mind, I needed to stop seeing her body on the ground. I needed the blood on my hands to just disappear.
I put two into my hand, only two. That’s it, only for a headache, only two. I took a deep breath and put them in my mouth, only two. That’s it, not a big deal, just to make the pain go away, just for a second. Just so I could think, just so I could make it all go away.
I didn’t need it gone forever, just for now, just for a second to catch my breath. Once again, the world doesn’t stop spinning, it just keeps going. It won’t wait for you, ever. I lay my head back, laying back on my bed, staring at the ceiling. My thoughts are slow, my mind isn’t racing. My head isn’t pounding, I’m calm.
My eyes get heavy, I start to drift off, I can feel myself starting to fall asleep. I closed my eyes but it wasn’t dark this time, she was standing in front of me again. This time there was blood on her shirt and it was dripping from her stomach and as she gasped for air, blood poured out of her mouth. I stood in front of her in shock, I watched as blood dripped out of her mouth as she tried to talk.
I woke up, covered in sweat and knots in my stomach. Watching her bleed out, watching her gasp for air seemed real, and maybe it was. Maybe she didn’t give up, maybe she just couldn’t fight as I watched. I stood up, my body was shaking and when I looked down I saw blood. Blood on my hands, dripping onto the floor. I closed my eyes and whispered,
“This isn’t happening.” I took a deep breath but when I opened my eyes standing in front of me was Addison. There was blood everywhere, she was holding her stomach. She looked at me, she mumbled,
“Why?” Blood falling from her mouth as she spoke, tears streaming down my face. I yelled,
“I’m sorry! I am so sorry!” I fell to the ground, onto my knees and when I looked up she was gone. I rubbed my face, I couldn’t move. My body was limp, I couldn’t feel my legs. I managed to stand up, I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the empty pill bottle on the nightstand.
I looked around, I didn’t remember taking any more pills, my mind was too full to even remember anything before I saw her. I laid back, I took a deep breath and I was too scared to fall asleep. I walked down stairs, I was ready to tell my mom but before I could I watched her as she read a letter at the table. I asked,
“What is it?” She pulls the chair out, she taps the chair and I sit. She answered,
“School opens tomorrow, they’ve made some changes. Some safety precautions, metal detectors, bullet proof glass, and they repaired all the damages.” I asked,
“It’s been less than a week, they’re just gonna make us go back?” She shook her head and touched my hand. I pulled away, her hands were warm but I jumped as she touched me. She answered,
“We are not forcing you to go back, you need time to heal and that is understandable.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“I don’t know if I can go back.” She nodded, I walked back to my room and grabbed the empty pill bottle. I put it in my pocket, I knew in my gut that if I didn’t tell them I would lose myself, but maybe I already did. Maybe I already lost who I used to be. I walked back to the kitchen, I sat the bottle on the table and said, “I took these, I’ve been taking them since Addison died. I thought it would make me see her and it did but not in a way I liked.” She looked at the bottle and said,
“We asked you if you were gonna be okay.” I nodded and said,
“I watched my girlfriend die, I watched her bleed out in front of me!” I looked down at my hands and yelled, “her blood was on my hands!” I slammed my hands down on the table and yelled, “every time I close my goddamn eyes I see her! I am not okay!” My mom nodded and for the first time I saw fear in her eyes as she looked at me. She got up from the table and walked out of the kitchen. I sat at the table, I thought this was the right choice but now it seemed like the wrong one. I followed her and exclaimed, “so that’s it? You don’t even care?” She yelled,
“Logan, we have dealt with this! We have been through this cycle, last time it almost killed me! Watching you detox, not being able to trust you! I get it, your girlfriend died but wake up! Logan, you have to wake up!” I nodded and mumbled,
“Wake up? I’m awake and it’s just making it worse! What’s the point of being awake if I’m in pain?” She answered,
“To move on.”
12
I nodded, she just expected me to get over it? Does she just forget about everything? The good and the bad, or just the bad? I went to my room and laid on my bed. I thought about what she said, and she told me to get over it. Get over it? Which part? The part where I watched my girlfriend bleed out? The part where I looked a shooter in the eyes? Or the fact that there’s school tomorrow?
I stared at the wall, I counted the glow in the dark stars stickers on the ceiling. They were glowing and the more I watched the stars the blurrier my vision got. My father stood in my doorway, he stood in silence as he stared at me. I asked,
“Are you gonna tell me to move on too?” He walked closer towards the bed, he shook his head and answered,
“No, I think what happened isn’t something you can just move on from.” I mumbled,
“Tell that to mom.” He sat on the edge of my bed and looked up. He smiled as he saw the stars. He said,
“I remember when we put those up.” I smiled and mumbled,
“It was Addison’s ideas, I was going through detox, she told me that I needed to focus on something. I needed to stare at something, it helped the room stop spinning.” He smiled and took a deep breath. He whispered,
“You really loved her, didn’t you?” I smiled and answered,
“More than anything.” I took a deep breath and added, “she was the only person who understood me. The only person I could actually talk to.” My father smiled, I sat up and asked, “do you think we were too young?” He shrugged and answered,
“Kid, that sounds like love if I ever heard it. There’s no age of love, there’s no rules, that’s what makes it epic.” I nodded, he said, “Addison was special, I could see it, your mother saw it, hell the dog could probably see it.” I laughed and said,
“She lit up the room when she walked in, she could find happiness in every situation. Even when I was in detox, she started making plans for when I was better.” I smiled as I talked about her. My father rubbed his head and announced,
“Your mother sent me in here to talk to you.” I rolled my eyes and laid back on my bed. I asked,
“It was only three times, I thought it would make the pain go away but it didn’t work.” He asked,
“What happened when you were on the pills?” I stayed quiet, I didn’t know if I should tell him. I took a deep breath and answered,
“I saw her the first time it seemed like her but the last time, she blamed me, I watched her die for a second time.” He put his hand on my shoulder and asked,
“You know that wasn’t real, right?” I shook my head and answered,
“No dad, it was real.” He shook his head and said,
“This is not your fault, none of this is your fault.” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“All of this is my fault!” I stood up and walked to the closet. I pulled out one of her hoodies she left. I yelled, “it’s my fault that she can’t wear this hoodie anymore!” I closed my eyes to let the tears fall and yelled, “It should’ve been me! I should’ve got shot!” I fell to my knees and sobbed, “why did I live? Why did she have to die?” My father kneeled on the ground next to me and answered,
“I don’t know why bad things happen but I have to believe that there’s a reason, I have to believe that this is some kind of elaborate plan.” I asked,
“A plan? What’s the plan? What good came from her dying?” He shrugged and answered,
“I think you have to find the purpose.” I nodded, I could barely see through the tears. He added, “I think you should see someone, someone who can help.” I shook my head, I couldn’t. I don’t think I would be able to talk to someone. It would bring up all those memories and all the blood, the blood on my hands. He nodded and stood up, he added, “you don’t have to go tomorrow, you don’t have to go back so soon.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“If I don’t go back tomorrow, I don’t think I ever will.” He nodded and walked away, he didn’t close the door behind him. I’m not surprised, I relapsed and who trusts an addict? She did, she trusted me and I let her give up. I knew the risk, I knew what no one else knew and I should’ve said something, but I’m afraid it’s too late. It was too late, they probably already know. I could feel my eyes getting heavy but I was too afraid to sleep, too afraid of seeing her again.
I couldn’t sleep, just the thought of being in school tomorrow gave me knots in my stomach.My eyes got heavier the later the night got. Eventually I couldn’t stay awake. I fell asleep and I didn’t dream, there was nothing to dream about. There was nothing to look forward to, there was just nothing.
My alarm went off, I haven’t heard the ringing in what felt like a lifetime. I took a deep breath and walked to the bathroom, the urge to open the medicine cabinet lingered. I turned on the shower, all the way hot. When I was little my mother would always turn the hot water on, she said that the steam would wake me up. I don’t know if that’s true but it stuck in my routine.
I got dressed and turned the shower off, I didn’t want to leave the bathroom. Walking out of the bathroom meant having to deal with the questions of whether or not I could handle going to school. I don’t know if I could handle it but if not now, when?
13
I walked to the kitchen, I took my keys from the hook and stared out the window. My car was parked in the driveway. I stared at the car, a part of me was hoping it wouldn’t start when I went to drive to school. Another part of me knew I had to do this. I knew that I had to go back but I didn’t want to.
My mom stood behind me, waiting to see if I actually would walk out the door. I took a deep breath and walked towards the door, she trailed behind me, slowly but I could tell she was there. I turned around and asked,
“How am I supposed to do this?” She answered,
“You’ll figure it out.” I nodded and opened the door, I walked to my car and took a deep breath. I sat in the driveway for a while before I even started my car. I pulled out of the driveway, as I drove I could feel my stomach start to hurt as I got closer to the school.
When I pulled in the parking lot my chest started to hurt, my heart was beating so fast, I was sweating. I walked to the doors and there were at least three cops just at the entrance. They watched as I walked through the metal detectors.
I walked to my locker, Addison’s locker was right next to mine. There were flowers and pictures of her taped to it, notes from people who didn’t even know her. I stopped, I looked over the pictures and I noticed one.
She was opening her locker and I was hugging her from behind. I smiled as I saw that picture, that picture gave me a reason to keep going.
I took a deep breath as I walked to first period. Mrs.Peterson, deja vu. The last time I walked into this classroom I lost something that I can never get back. As I walked in the classroom I stared at the ground, more specifically the spot where she bled out. I could hear my name being called but I couldn’t lift my eyes from that spot. Someone called,
“Logan?” My eyes stayed on that spot, a hand grabbed my shoulder. I jumped as their hand touched me. They asked, “Are you okay?” I nodded and answered,
“Yes, sir.” I sat in my seat, as I sat there I stared at that spot. I watched as everyone came in and sat down, everyone acted like it was normal. The principal came in the room, he stood in the front of the class and announced,
“Good morning, I would like to thank you for coming back after such a tragedy.” I rolled my eyes, tragedy? Lives were lost, that day will forever be carved into the students minds as the worst day of their life. The day they watched their classmates die. He added, “we understand that this can be a very hard thing to deal with.” I couldn’t stay silent anymore, I couldn’t just sit here. I asked,
“You understand?” He nodded and answered,
“We lost a lot of students that day, we understand how hard this adjustment is going to be.” I asked,
“Adjustment? An adjustment in when your parents get divorced or when you move into a new house and have to figure out which way to walk to school. Lives were lost and you’re saying it was an adjustment?” He nodded and answered,
“Poor choice of words, my apologies. Counseling will be provided to all students and we highly encourage you to take advantage of that opportunity.” He walked out of the classroom and Mrs. Peterson stared at us. She announced,
“Last time we were in this classroom we lost someone.” I look to the empty desk beside me. I stared at that chair the whole period, I couldn’t move my eyes away from that chair. After the bell rang I stayed in my seat, I stared at the chair. I didn’t even hear the bell. Mrs.Peterson asked, “Logan?” I looked up at her and mumbled,
“I’m sorry.” She leaned down and said,
“I know that you loved her, I know you miss her. I think you should see the counselor, I’ll write you a pass and you can go right now.” I nodded, maybe I did need to talk to someone, maybe I need someone who I can count on. She wrote me a pass and I went down to the counselor’s office. I walked in and he was doing paperwork. I announced,
“Hi, I’m Logan.” He smiled and said,
“Your teacher called down, I’m Mike. I don’t do Mr or Sir, just Mike.” I nodded and said,
“Okay, just Mike.” He smiled and asked,
“So why are you here?” I laughed and answered,
“At this point, I don’t even know.” He nodded and pointed to the chair, I sat in the chair on the other side of his desk. I added, “the shooter killed my girlfriend, the shooter was her brother.” He nodded. We sat in silence, I added, “I keep seeing her.” I looked down at my shoes. He asked,
“In a dream?” I shook my head and answered,
“Sometimes it’s like she’s right next to me.” He nods and said,
“Everyone grieves differently, maybe you seeing her is a way of healing.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“It’s my fault she’s gone and I think my brain is reminding me of that.” I keep my eyes on my feet, I can’t look him in the eyes. He asked,
“Why is it your fault?” I answered,
“I should’ve protected her.” He nods and shifts in his seat. He asked,
“If the roles were reversed, would you want her to feel like you do right now?” I shook my head. He nodded and added, “I didn’t know Addison, but the things everyone says about her, I know she wouldn’t want you to feel guilty.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“I haven’t been completely honest.” I pull a picture out of my pocket and set it in front of me. He asked,
“What’s this?” I flipped it over, I see you, was written on the back of the picture. This was the moment that might change everything or it might change nothing.
14
He flipped the picture over, it was Addison’s bedroom window. He flipped back over to the writing. He asked,
“Did you show the police?” I shook my head, he took a deep breath and rubbed his head. He asked, “why didn’t you show the police?” I answered,
“I watched her get shot, it didn’t make a difference!” He nodded and I added, “Addison gave me this photo three days before she was shot, she asked me if I did it. Of course I didn’t, but she brushed it off because she said it was just some high school drama. I didn’t know if it would even be relevant to the case because I watched her get shot and we all know her brother did it.” He nodded and asked,
“Don’t you think you should tell the police?” I asked,
“Would it make a difference? She’ll still be dead.” He answered,
“It might help you feel better, less guilty.” I shrugged, I didn’t know what would happen. This note was before she was killed. I saw her brother kill her, it wasn’t like someone else did. I asked,
“Do you think it’s an important detail to the case?” He took a deep breath and answered,
“I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think there’s a case. I think this is a clean cut killing, he killed her and he’s going to get help. I think telling someone would make you feel better, but no I don’t think this would help a case.” I nodded and looked down at my shoes, I mumbled,
“I think I need help.” He leaned forward and asked,
“Help with what?” I clench my jaw, I tried to convince myself at first that I wouldn’t relapse. I tried to convince myself that I was okay but I don’t think I am. I answered,
“I relapsed, if you look at my file you’ll probably see my history of addiction and the night of the school shooting I took some pills.” He nodded and asked,
“When was the last time you took them?” I answered,
“Last night.” He nodded, he smiled and asked,
“Thank you for telling me this.” I nodded. He asked, “what do you wanna do?” I shrugged and answered,
“I don’t want the people who love me not to trust me.” He nodded and asked,
“Rehab?” I shrugged. He took a deep breath and added, “It’s not gonna be easy to get clean, you know that. It doesn’t matter how many times you took them, you went back for more and now you crave them.” I shook my head and said,
“I don’t crave them, not after I saw her.” He nodded, I could tell by the look on his face he didn’t know what I was talking about. I added, “my mind was messing with me, my mind let me see her and at first it was nice. At first I could talk to her, but last night when she talked blood came out of her mouth. She blamed me, she asked me why.” He nodded and said,
“It wasn’t real, drugs mess with your mind. It sees what you feel, you feel guilty, your mind will show her blaming you.” I shrugged and mumbled,
“It felt real.” He nodded and said,
“I know, the mind is a scary place.” I nodded, he got a phone call. I could see the look on his face as he got that call. Something was wrong, something’s always wrong. I asked,
“What’s wrong?” He cleared his throat and answered,
“Nothing.” I shook my head and said,
“I’ve seen that face, what is it?” He looked out the window, and a cop car pulled up. He looked back at me and answered,
“The cops need you in for questioning.” I asked,
“About Addison?” He nodded. An officer entered the room and grabbed my arm. Pulling me out of the chair. The officer announced,
“Logan Fields, you are under arrest for being an accomplice in the murder of Addison Montgomery. Anything you say or do can be used in the court of law.” I asked,
“Again? We already did this!” Without saying a word they dragged me out of the school and put me in the back of a cop car. When we got to the police station I saw him, I saw Robert Johnson. I yelled,
“Agent Johnson!” I saw him look at me, he looked at me in the eyes and then looked away. They sat me in a room, the same room as before. My hands were handcuffed to the table, this time no one was in the room. This time I was alone, alone with my thoughts. Robert came in, he put a laptop in front of me. On the laptop was a video of Luke’s confession. On the laptop Luke said,
“Logan was upset one night, he said they’d been arguing and he wanted to get rid of her. He wanted to blow off some steam so we came up with a plan, we weren’t gonna shoot Addison, just scare her but my finger slipped. We wanted to scare her so she’d stay with him and be too scared to leave his side.” I laughed and asked,
“Do you know how idiotic that sounds?” Robert asked,
“Do you know how idiotic it is to kill your girlfriend over jealousy?” I yelled,
“I didn’t kill my girlfriend!” He points to the laptop and exclaimed,
“He says otherwise!” I yelled,
“He’s a fucking maniac! You’re gonna believe him?” He shrugged and answered,
“It’s the only evidence we have, he made his confession and you were a part of that!” I shook my head and mumbled,
“I loved her!” He nodded and said,
“Maybe that love turned into anger and jealousy. Maybe you loved her too much.” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“I would never hurt her!” He announced,
“So tell me what happened, every single detail.” I looked down and began,
“The day started out normal, we met at our lockers, we walked to first period together. When the gunshots went off she was scared, I kept telling her everything was gonna be okay, but she knew I was trying to convince myself. I called my mom.” He interrupted,
“Why’d you call your mom?” I answered,
“Just in case I didn’t make it home.” I asked, “do you really think I would call my mom if I had something to do with this? Do you think I would say goodbye to my baby brother if I had anything to do with it?” He yelled,
“It was in the confession!” His voice got louder with each yell. I asked,
“Is it really a confession if you blame someone else?”
15
The room went silent, I sat in the chair staring out the window. I shake my head, this is the second time I’ve sat in the chair, the second time I’ve been accused of murder. I asked,
“Do you have any idea what it feels like to be accused of hurting someone you love?” He shook his head. I mumbled, “well it’s not fucking fair.” He nodded, an officer comes in the room and announced,
“Luke Fields just cleared Logan’s name.” Both officers look at me. I look down at the handcuffs and asked,
“Can someone take these off?” Robert takes the handcuffs off. He mumbled,
“I’m sorry kid.” I shrugged and said,
“Can’t be mad at you for doing your job, but this is the second time! What happens next? I go to jail?” Robert shook his head and answered,
“I can assure you, there will be no next time.” I shook my head and groaned as I said,
“I hope you’re right.” I walked out the room and for a split second I asked myself, what would’ve happened if he didn’t tell the truth? My mom was sitting in a chair outside of the room. He asked,
“Are you okay?” I shook my head, this has already happened before and asked the same exact question. I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down and we walked to the car. When I got home there was a suitcase by the front door. My mom walked to the kitchen, and poured a glass of wine. Another one I assumed, I trailed behind her. She was already drunk, it looks like she’d been drinking all day. I asked,
“Don’t you think you should slow down?” She laughed and asked,
“An addict telling me how much to drink?” She laughed but I knew she meant it. She meant it because I am an addict and she’s a drunk, we all have our problems but they shouldn’t be rubbed in your face like your a dog who peed on the carpet. I asked,
“Whose suitcase is that?” She looked up and answered,
“Yours.” I knew that, I just needed to hear her say it. I need to hear her say that she’s sending her broken son away. Running away from the damage. I asked,
“Where am I going?” She shrugged and answered,
“I don’t know.” I nodded, I went to my room. Almost everything was gone, except one thing. The stuffed bear sat on my bed, I grabbed it and took one last glance of my room as I sat on the bed. Thinking about the good things, thinking about the time when Addison and I would sit on the floor and watch movies. Or when I was so sick from detox I would just stare at the glow in the dark stars all day. I looked up, I stood on the bed and took the big star off the ceiling.
I put the star in my pocket, that star was a memory and memories are the only thing we have through everything. Memories are the only things that actually stick around. I also remember the bad memories, the memories where my mom and dad would fight and I would hide under the bed at seven.
There were so many memories here and it wouldn’t be easy to just walk away but maybe it would be better to. A lot of decisions aren’t easy, probably most of them are life changing and change can be scary but there comes a point in time where you have to realize, not all change is bad. That doesn’t mean all change is good, you have to figure out whether it’s good or bad. I was trying to figure that out but right now, I couldn’t. Right now I can't feel anything. I took a deep breath and walk down the stairs, my dad stands at the door and asked,
“Whose suitcase is this?” I assumed when we walked in he didn’t see it at the door so I answered,
“It’s mine.” He picks the suitcase up and shakes his head. He carries the suitcase up to my room. I follow him up the stairs, he lays the suitcase on the bed and starts to unpack. I asked, “what are you doing?” He answered,
“You’re not going anywhere!” I shook my head and mumbled,
“Dad.” He shook his head, he said,
“You’re not leaving.” I could hear the shakiness in his voice, the sadness in his throat. He added, “you’re seventeen, you can’t just leave!” I nodded, I couldn’t stay in a house where my mother felt ashamed of me or she hated me enough to pack my bags. I shook my head and said,
“I can’t stay here anymore, the constant reminders of her dying. I want to remember Addison alive, not dead and I’m afraid that if I stay here I’ll forget.” He shook his head and argued,
“You’ll never forget her.” I shrugged and mumbled,
“I don’t wanna remember her as being shot, I wanna remember her as my girlfriend, the love of my life.” He asked,
“Were you gonna say goodbye?” I shrugged, I debated on lying, I debated on telling him what he wanted to hear. I answered,
“No.” He nodded and sat on my bed. He asked,
“Is this what you want?” I shake my head and answered,
“I don’t want to leave but I think if I don’t go I’ll be letting her down.” I looked down at my feet and added, “we had a plan, we were both going to Washington when we graduated. I was gonna start my police training and she would get her teaching degree.” He smiled and asked,
“Since when do you wanna be a police officer?” I answered,
“Since forever, you guys just never seemed to ask.” He nodded, he started putting my stuff back into my suitcase. He announced,
“Logan, I’m sorry. We failed you, we were supposed to protect you but look what’s happened.” I shook my head and said,
“You didn’t fail dad, you just need practice. I need you to promise me one thing.” He nodded. I added, “I need you to promise me that you’ll do better, you’ll do better for him. You’ll pay attention to him and you’ll recognize the signs before it’s too late.” He asked,
“What are the signs?” I wiped the tear from my cheek and answered,
“He’ll be in his room almost all day and he won’t talk because he thinks you’re not interested. Be interested, ask questions.” He nodded and handed me a wad of cash. I shook my head and zipped up my suitcase. He smiled and said,
“This is me doing the right thing.” I nodded and took the money. He added, “Are you gonna say goodbye to him?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t think I can, he’ll be okay. As long as you keep your promise, he’ll be okay.” I take my suitcase and I sit it in the hallway. I walk to his room and his tiny body lays in the bed. I stare at him as he sleeps. This is the only reason I’m debating on staying, the only reason I find purpose here. I want to watch him grow up, I want to be there when he’s drunk for the first time or when he’s high for the first time.
I want to be there when he goes to high school or when he graduates. I smiled, he was going to be fine without me, at least that’s what I told myself. I went into the room and kissed him on the forehead, I whispered,
“I love you, buddy.” I turned around and walked out of his room, leaving the door open a crack. I went downstairs and my mom was still sitting at the table but the full bottle of wine was now empty. She asked,
“You’re leaving?” I answered,
“I guess you got what you wanted.” She shook her head and said,
“This isn’t what I wanted, I just wanted a normal son! A son that isn’t screwed up!” I laughed and asked,
“What about the person who made me that way? You and dad made me this way and you're gonna do the same thing to him! Do better for him, be there for him when he’s sad and don’t argue with dad in front of him! Having your parents argue constantly does something to you, it hurts you.” She yelled,
“Don’t you dare blame this on me! This is not my fault, don’t tell me how to parent!” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“This is your fault! You guys gave me a crappy childhood and now I’m screwed up, that’s on you! All I’m asking is don’t do the same to him, don’t let him fall when there’s no one there to catch him.” I took a deep breath and added, “I’ve done that and when someone doesn’t catch you, it hurts like hell.” I didn’t let her say anything else, I walked out the door. I was leaving this life behind and hopefully starting a new one, hopefully.
16
I turned on my car and I sat in the driveway for a while, I could barely feel my body. I knew that I needed to do this but it felt wrong to leave, it felt selfish. I pulled out of the driveway because I knew if I went back inside, I wasn’t coming back out. I drove for a while and I pulled out a picture from my glove box, I pulled over and looked to the right. I put the picture out in front of me. I was parked next to the lake, I needed to feel connected to her, just for a second.
Although this town may be filled with bad memories, I’ve had some good ones and most of them were with her. The picture was of Addison in her white dress, the dress with the lace at the top and blue flowers at the bottom. I smiled but it slowly faded as I realized that she was really gone. At first I didn’t want to admit that she was gone, at first I thought that if I said it out loud it would make it true. It doesn’t matter if you say it or not, she’s gone, and as humans we tend to hold on to hope, we tend to not face reality because we know that reality isn’t always good.
I pulled off, I just wanted to see the lake. I thought that I would feel better but I just felt the same. You can’t really get rid of grief, it kind of just lingers and waits for you to crack. I drove for hours, I didn’t know where I wanted to go, I could go anywhere. I could be whoever I wanted to be, I didn’t have to be someone I’m not but I could be someone I wanted to be.
I pulled up to a motel, Knights Inn, Alvin Texas. I’ve been to Texas before, we have family here but I’m only staying the night. I don’t need anyone knowing where I am or my parents knowing where to look. I know when my mom gets sober she’ll come looking for me and I know my dad’s probably already looking but I’m six hours away from home.
Six hours away from New Orleans, Louisiana. Home of the old Logan, new home is yet to be determined. I got out of my car and walked into the motel, I walked up to the front desk. There was a lady on the phone, I stood quietly as she yelled at the person on the other line. Finally she put down the phone and plastered a fake smile on her face. She asked,
“How can I help you?” I smiled and answered,
“I just need a room.” She nodded and asked,
“How many nights?” I answered,
“Just one.” She typed on her keyboard, the clicking of the keys as she pressed down was familiar. It reminded me of Addison typing away on one of her blog posts about a book she’s read. She waved her hand in front of me and said,
“Fifty-six dollars.” I handed her the money in exchange for the key. I walked up the stairs to the second floor, the room was small but nice. I only needed it for one night and by morning I would be back on the road, going god knows where. I sat on the edge of the bed, I realized that I was alone. This was the first time I truly felt alone, the first time I truly was alone.
I walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I try to smile but lately it feels like I don’t know how. It feels like there’s nothing left to smile about. It feels like this never ending circle of pain and I just want it to stop, I just need a second to catch my breath. Just a second to think, just a second of peace. I walked away from the mirror because it didn’t matter how long I stared back at myself, I wouldn’t recognize the person in the mirror.
I turned on my phone, I turned off my location just in case someone was looking for me. They say that some people just don’t want to be found but some people do and they just don’t know it. Some people want to be found but not by the people who are looking for them, they want to be found by the people who will be there for them and the people who will love them.
I had ten messages from my mom, she just kept saying I'm sorry, please come home, I’ll stop drinking; A part of me wanted to go home and just forget about everything, just go back to how it was. I knew that I couldn’t go back because I knew that nothing would change. Nothing would get better, it wouldn’t be easy to just forget.
People say forgive and forget but how can you forgive someone if it changes your life forever? How are you supposed to forget if you’re still angry? How was I supposed to just get over it? How am I supposed to move on if I’m still so angry at him? Then I realized this isn’t about my parents, it’s still about her and it will always be about her. It feels like everything will always be about her. I need to let go but I’m scared that she'll just disappear.
I grabbed my keys and decided I needed to hit the town. I drove for a while, I needed to live a little. I needed to forget about Addison just for one night. Gordon Street Tavern, I opened my wallet and took out my fake ID. Tonight I was Justin Hyde, 22. I got out of my car and when I walked in the door I could smell the cigarettes.
I went up to the bar and I could feel everyone staring at me. I waved one of the bartenders down. She asked,
“What can I get you?” I answered,
“Whiskey, neat.” She smiled and asked,
“Can I see some ID?” I nodded and handed the ID. She asked,
“Justin Hyde?” I nodded, she smiled and asked, “really? That’s the best you could do?” I asked,
“What do you mean?” She asked,
“How old are you?” She smiled. She added, “you know guys like you come in here all the time, I’m pretty good at figuring out fakes.” I answered,
“I’m 21, not 22.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head. I sighed and added, “fine, 20.” She shook her head again, this time with a smile. I announced, “I’ll make you a deal, how ‘bout we pretend this ID is real, you serve me this one drink and I’ll be outta your hair.” She shook her head and smirked. I added, “please?” She took a deep breath and said,
“I guess you could pass for 21.” I smiled and nodded. She smiled as she turned around to pour the drink. She slid the drink to me and added, “if you get wasted I didn’t serve you.” I put my hands up and smiled. She rolled her eyes and whispered, “I’m serious.” I rolled my eyes and said,
“Okay mom, I’ll behave.” I smiled and I watched her as she poured drinks for the person next to me. I watched her pour the drinks, it seemed so natural and effortless. We made eye contact, I was trying to look away but her icy blue eyes sucked me in. I asked,
“So how old are you?” She laughed and answered,
“Depends, who’s asking?” I nodded and answered,
“A friend.” She smiled and handed me a bottle of water. She whispered,
“I don’t have many friends.” I smiled and for a second everything behind us disappeared, for a second I was normal. I got buzzed off of one drink, I was drunk to the point where I couldn’t stand just enough for my head to be fuzzy. I could tell she was keeping an eye on me, from a distance. I drank the water and kept the bottle in front of me. She asked, “you doing alright over here?” I nodded, she went back to serving people at the counter but I watched as she talked. She talked differently to almost every customer. I stood up but my legs didn’t get the memo that we were trying to walk. I sat back in the chair. She stood in front of me and asked, “how ya’ doin’?” I laughed and answered,
“Apparently not great.” She nodded and laughed. Her laugh was contagious, it made me smile. Her smiled disappeared and asked,
“Are you staying with family?” I laughed and answered,
“Nope, just me.” I grabbed my keys from the table but her hand laid on top of mine, she shook her head and said,
“I’m not letting you drive. I get off in five minutes, I’ll drive you to wherever you need to go.” I couldn’t help but nod, I watched as she grabbed her stuff. I stood up, my legs a little wobbly but I could walk this time. We walked to the parking lot, and we got in her car. She asked, “where are you staying?” I couldn’t remember the name, it was like my mind was blank. I pulled out my wallet, looking for the key in my pocket. I pull the key out and show her the name Knights Inn, that’s right. Before I put my wallet back in my pocket I pulled out the picture. The picture Addison, I stare at it. I hoped the picture came to life. She asked, “is that your girlfriend?” I sigh and answered,
“Once upon a time she was.” I rubbed my thumb over the smile in her picture. I wanted to see her smile one more time, one last time. She asked,
“What’d you do to her?” I shake my head and answered,
“I hurt her, even if I didn’t realize it.” I hurt her, it was true. I hurt her even when I didn’t know it, I hurt her by just being with her. She pulled up at the hotel and parked. I asked, “what are you doing?” She answered,
“You’re drunk and heartbroken, they usually don’t mix well.” I nodded, I stumbled to the staircase. She put my arm around her shoulder and helped me, we stumbled up the stairs together. I mumbled,
“Why are you being so nice?” She smiled and answered,
“Someone once told me to live like no one’s watching. Don’t live for praise, live for being kind.” I nodded, they sounded smart. When we got to my room she unlocked the door and sat me on the couch. She grabbed a bottle of water from the mini fridge and handed it to me. She demanded, “drink!” I nodded and took the bottle, she sat next to me. We sat in silence for a while but eventually it got awkward. She asked,
“So what’s your story?” I closed my eyes as she asked, how do you tell someone that the love of your life was killed? I answered,
“Just needed to get away.” You don’t, you lie. You don’t let that person in, you lie to them. I looked down at her name tag, Cassie. I asked, “is that your real name?” She smiled and shrugged as she asked,
“Depends.” I nodded, it truly does depend on who asked. It was Cassie who asked about my past and it was Cassie I lied to. She looked around the hotel. She asked, “are you like on the run or something?” I laughed, I tried not to come off as laughing at her but I was. I brought the water bottle and nodded. I whispered,
“Something like that.”
17
After a while the room grows quiet. What do you say to a person you know nothing about? I stare out the window, my vision is so blurred I can’t tell if there's stars or if they’re just street lights. I asked,
“Are you gonna tell me your real age?” She laughed and asked,
“Are you gonna tell me?” I shrugged, it would be better for her not to know. She shrugged, then it went back to silence. She asked, “do you ever feel empty? Like you’re not worth saving.” Those thoughts sound familiar. I answered,
“Everyday.” She nodded but kept her eyes out the window. She mumbled,
“I’m 18, my father owns the bar and lets me work there. Not without supervision though.” I nodded, I didn’t want to tell her anything. I learned at a very young age that the less people know the better. She smiled and asked, “you’re gonna make it really hard, aren’t you?” I asked,
“Make what hard?” She smiled and answered,
“Getting close to you.” I shrugged and I mumbled,
“In my experience, it’s better to have walls than to be an open book.” She smiled and nodded. I added, “what’s the point of living if there’s no mystery?” She nodded and answered,
“Eventually you’ll realize that hiding in the shadows isn’t worth it.” I shook my head and asked,
“Who said I’m hiding?” She smiled, she sat in the same position, next to me on the couch. We sat there in silence for a while, I could feel my eyes getting heavier but she stayed on the couch. She sat there and stared at the wall. I asked, “you just gonna sit there all night?” She shrugged and answered,
“No where else to be.” I shook my head and stood up. My legs still felt a little numb. She asked, “where are you going?” I asked,
“Do you want the bed or the couch?” She shrugged. I pulled her off the couch and shoved her towards the bed. I sat back on the couch and laid down. She sat on the edge of the bed, I could feel her staring at me. I asked, “what?” She just kept staring, it felt like her eyes were burning my skin as they scanned my body. She asked,
“Who are you?” I laughed, I couldn’t give her an answer because I don’t know. I shrugged, she laughed again. She said, “my father’s gonna kill me when he finds out where I’ve been.” I laughed, I knew that I wouldn’t be here when she woke up, one less person for her father to kill, I guess.
Eventually I felt her eyes stop scanning my body. Eventually the room was quiet, the silence made it possible to think. It made it easier to breathe, easier to hear my own thoughts. The more I thought, the more I wanted it to be loud again. I wanted the silence to stop because I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, I didn’t want my thoughts to consume me but maybe they already did.
My eyes got too heavy to hold open, while I slept all I saw was her. She didn’t speak, she just stood there, never moving, just staring back at me. Her expression was blank, emotionless, and almost cold. She didn’t have to say anything, her body language said it all. She blamed me and I blamed myself, I still do. Seeing her just look at me like that, like she didn’t recognize me made me blame myself even more. Eventually she disappeared, again.
When I woke up Cassie was still asleep, I debated on leaving but for some reason I couldn’t. It felt like I couldn’t leave her, it felt like I was obligated to stay by her side. I walked down the stairs to the hotel lobby, I got two cups of coffee and went back to the room. I watched her for a minute, I watched as she laid there, she looked peaceful and beautiful. I shook her shoulder, shaking her awake. I waved the coffee in her face as she opened her eyes. She rubbed her face and looked at the time. She asked,
“Why the actual hell did you wake me up at 9 a.m?” I shrugged and smiled. She flung back and threw the pillow on her face. I sat the coffee on the nightstand next to the bed. I answered,
“Checkout is at 1, I have to go to the store and I’ll be back.” She brought her hand to her forehead and saluted, I couldn’t help but laugh as I walked out the room. When I got to the parking lot I debated on leaving and going to the next state. I drove to the nearest store, a store where I could buy something to help me organize my thoughts. I walked down the aisles of the Office Depot. I pulled out a notebook, a white notebook with a black spiral spine. I grabbed some pens and walked to the checkout.
I needed my thoughts of her to stop running around my head. It’s like every second of everyday the only thing I can think about is her. After I checked out I sat in my car. I opened the notebook and opened the pack of pens. I began,
I don’t even know why I’m doing this, I thought that maybe it would make me feel better but I know that no one will ever read this. This is simply to get feelings or thoughts out I guess. Addison, the day we met was one of the best days of my life. You were sitting in your car and I was sitting on the sidewalk coming down from a high. You saw me and when we locked eyes it definitely wasn’t love at first sight. You screamed at me, you worried that I would get hit by a car and you called me arrogant. I’m pretty sure that’s what made me fall in love with you, the fact that you called a stranger arrogant. The fact that you weren’t afraid of a complete stranger. The more I got to know you, the more I fell in love with you and I’m stupid to think some journal is going to help me. You know everyone told me to just get over it and to be completely honest I probably should. There’s one problem, I can’t. I don’t know how to just let you go and it’s slowly killing that you’re not here beside me. This is so stupid, like it’s genuinly stupid that I’m turning to a stupid notebook. So I’m done.
-Logan
I closed the notebook and started the car. My eyes were glossed but for the first time in a while I didn’t cry when I thought about her.
18
I went back to the room and Cassie was still in bed. I pulled the blanket off of her and yelled,
“Good morning, sleepy head!” She shook her head and grunted. I pulled her towards me by her ankles. She sat up and mumbled,
“Don’t start something you can’t finish.” I rolled my eyes and asked,
“Who says I can’t finish?” I smiled, she rolled her eyes and got off the bed. She asked,
“How's your hangover?” I shrugged, she started to shake her head. I could tell something was wrong. I asked,
“What?” She shook her head and started cleaning the room up. I added, “what’s wrong?” She stayed quiet and just kept cleaning. I grabbed her arm and whispered, “Cassie, what’s wrong?” She answered,
“The second we have a moment it’s like you shut down, you just stop.” I looked down at my feet, she laughed and added, “see?” I looked up at her and answered,
“I don’t like letting people in.” She nodded and put her shoes on. I asked, “what are you doing?” She answered,
“I’m leaving, you don’t like letting people in, noted.” I grabbed her arm and whispered,
“Stop.” She pulled her arm away and shook her head. She took a deep breath and yelled,
“I don’t even know your real name! We spent one night talking, it wasn’t that serious. You are guarded and right now I have enough going on!” I nodded and asked,
“So why are you yelling if it was nothing?” She rolled her eyes and yelled,
“God, you are so stupid! I’m yelling because I’ve never been in this situation before and I don’t know what the hell we’re doing!” I yelled,
“What the hell are we doing?” She shrugged, we looked at each other and laughed. I said, “I think we would be better off as friends, I still have stuff to think about and I’m just not ready for something more.” She nodded but I could tell she was a little hurt, I could tell she was upset. She said,
“I have a shift at the bar, my father is gonna kill me if I’m late.” I nodded and smiled. She asked, “are you gonna be in this state when my shift’s over?” I laughed and answered,
“Probably not.” She nodded and said,
“Well then, Justin Hyde, I guess this is goodbye.” I smiled and whispered,
“Actually, It’s Logan.” She stuck out her hand and smiled. I took her hand and she said,
“Nice to meet you, Logan.” She walked to the door but before leaving she turned around and put her hand to her head. She saluted me before walking out the door. I gathered my stuff and took one last look at the room. As I walked out I took a deep breath, it was time for my next adventure, I just didn’t know what it was yet.
I got in my car and sat there for a couple minutes, I opened the journal and started writing,
Hi again, I honestly don't know who I’m writing to. Am I writing to myself? Addison? Maybe a part of me hopes someone will read this. It’s not a letter because I’m pretty sure I couldn’t mail it to you for obvious reasons. I keep thinking about that day at the lake, the one where you wore the white dress, lace up top, blue flowers on the bottom. That day at the lake was the first time I told you that I loved you. You smiled when I said it and that will always be one of my favorite memories, that look. I had a moment with someone today, I looked at her like I used to look at you. That made me feel guilty for looking at her like that. I looked at her and for a second I forgot about you and I’m sorry. I am so sorry, Addison.
-Logan
I closed the notebook and tossed it on the passenger seat. I took a deep breath and looked around the car. Alone again, in the beginning being alone felt nice but eventually being alone starts to get a little too lonely. My passenger side door opened and Cassie climbed on the seat. She asked,
“Where are we going?” I asked,
“We?” She smiled and nodded. I shrugged. I asked, “what about your dad?” She smiled and answered,
“He can’t kill me if he doesn’t know where I am.” I rolled my eyes and started the car. I guess being alone isn’t always a good thing. She asked, “Seriously, where are we going?” I answered,
“Wherever the road takes us.” She nodded and we pulled out of the parking lot. We started driving, we didn’t really know where we were going, we just drove. Cassie asked,
“So, what’s your family like?” I laughed, do I tell her my mother had my bags packed? No, sometimes it’s better to lie. I took a deep breath and answered,
“Normal I guess.” I could feel her roll her eyes. I looked over and her eyes were at her feet. I asked, “what about yours?” She shrugged, I nodded. Obviously we’re both closed off, obviously we both don’t want to know each other’s stories. The car grew silent again. We drove for hours in silence. After the four hour mark we stopped at a gas station. She asked,
“You want anything?” I shake my head. She nodded and went inside, I opened the glovebox and took out the notebook. I started writing,
Here I am, again. Still writing to anyone who’s reading. I’m sitting in my car and driving to god knows where. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. A part of me wishes that you’re gonna read this. A part of me is writing to you. I remember when I first met your parents, it was a complete shit show. Your father hated me, and honestly I hated him too. I still hate him, I probably always will but a part of me hates me too. I hate myself for hurting you, I hate myself for letting you go. I feel guilty and I know it’s gonna eat me alive and it is. It’s eating me alive, losing you is eating me alive.
-Logan
I closed the notebook as Cassie opened the car door. She smiled and asked,
“What’s that?” I shook my head and put it in the center console. She smiled and asked, “Can I read it?” I shook my head as she rolled her eyes. I put the car in drive and backed out of the parking space. She asked, “what is it? A diary?” I shook my head, I didn’t want to tell her what it actually was. I didn’t want her to see the damage that was in my life. I didn’t want to let her in because it felt like everyone left. It felt like everyone I’ve ever cared about shut me out, so what was the point? I answered,
“It isn’t a diary.” She asked,
“Can I read it?” I shook my head. She laughed and added, “then it’s a diary,” I rolled my eyes. She laughed but I pulled over. I asked,
“What are we doing?” She shrugged. I added, “obviously we didn’t think this through, we just left. You left your whole family behind, you left everything.” She interrupted,
“What about you? You just plan on driving, you don’t even know where the hell you're going!” I yelled,
“I know! I don’t need you wrapped up in my mess!” She yelled,
“It’s not your job to protect me! I can take care of myself!” She opened the door and got out of the car. I laid my head on the steering wheel and took a deep breath. I got out of the car and looked ahead, she was halfway down the road. I yelled,
“Where the hell are you going? You don’t even know where we are!” She shrugged and yelled,
“I’ll figure it out so you don’t have to deal with me anymore!” I rolled my eyes and yelled,
“You’re acting like a child!” She turns around a sticks her middle finger up as she yelled,
“Fuck you!” I rolled my eyes, I got in the car and drove up the road. I drove beside Cassie, her dirty blonde hair in a messy bun that shined in the sun. I asked,
“Are you done?” She rolled her eyes and kept walking. I added, “this would be a lot faster if you got in the car.” She stopped and my foot laid on the brake. She asked,
“Why the hell do you care?” I shrugged and asked,
“Who said I cared?” She groaned in frustration. She yelled,
“You try to act like my boyfriend and then turn around and say you don’t care. Do you have any idea how goddamn frustrating that is?” I shrugged, she groaned again and kept walking. I drove slowly and asked,
“Can you please stop for one second?” She stopped and turned towards me. I added, “my life is complicated, it’s a big mess. I’m not ready for anything and I don’t want you to expect anything.” She shook her head and said,
“Let’s make a deal, I won’t expect anything if you don’t lead me on.” I nodded, I didn’t want to lead her on because in the end we would both get hurt. She held out her hand and asked, “deal?” I shook her hand, when her hand touched mine it made my stomach feel weird. I smiled and nodded. She climbed in the front seat and asked, “do you know where we’re going yet?” I shrugged, I kept my eyes forward. I asked,
“Ever been to Oklahoma?” I looked over and watched as she shook her head. The car grew quieter as we drove, it felt like each mile we drove we started to distance ourselves from each other. I pulled over and announced, “I think we should call it a night.” She nodded and asked,
“Are we gonna sleep in the car?” I shrugged and answered,
“Why not?” I put my seat down and added, “it’s a back road so not many people drive on it, and we’re pulled over so we’re fine. I’ll lock the doors, there’s blankets in the trunk.” She rolled her eyes and put her seat down, we were staring out the sunroof, looking up at the stars above us. She took a deep breath and asked,
“Have you ever been in love?” I could feel her turn towards me, I could feel her staring at me. I answered,
“Once.”
19
I kept my eyes on the stars but her eyes were still lingering over my body. She asked,
“What does it feel like?” I closed my eyes and she added, “is it like everyone says?” I shook my head and answered,
“No, it’s better. Being in love feels like everything’s right, it feels like it doesn’t matter what happens as long as you have them. It makes your stomach hurt, but in a good way.” She smiled and I added, “it makes life worth it.” I find myself smiling at the thought of her, at the thought of Addison. She would always be the one I thought of but with love comes pain. I added, “but eventually the feeling in your stomach turns into pain because not everything is cupcakes and rainbows.” She shook her head and asked,
“How is it worth it if it ends in pain?” I shrugged and answered,
“Because of the experience, the feeling of being in love is somehow worth all of the pain that follows.” I turn to look her in the face. Her eyes full of hope, she asked,
“Do you ever want to fall in love again?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t think I can.” I watched as that hope in her eyes turned into disappointment. Her eyes were so beautiful in the night light. She nodded and turned around with her back facing towards me. She whispered,
“I plan to fall in love, I want a home with a family.” I nodded and said,
“Then you should do that, everyone should experience love at least once.” We didn’t speak again, I laid there quietly. I thought about the things I could’ve said, I could’ve told her about Alison. I should have told her about Addison but I didn’t.
I didn’t bring her up because I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring her up because I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to because every memory hurts. Every laugh, every smile just reminds me that she’s not here to do it. She can’t laugh anymore, she can’t smile anymore. She can’t do any of it anymore because life gave her the short end of the stick. Maybe it’s not my fault but it probably will always feel like it.
I tossed and turned all night, there wasn’t much room on the seat but eventually I fell asleep. I woke up to a tap on my window. An officer was standing on the outside of my car. The officer asked,
“Is there something wrong?” He looked at Cassie asleep in the passenger seat. He asked, “Ma’am?” I whispered,
“Cassie, wake up.” She opened her eyes and asked,
“What?” She rubbed her eyes and finally saw the cop. She smiled and added, “Hello, officer.” He looked around the car and asked,
“Everything all right?” I nodded and answered,
“Yes sir, we were driving and got tired. Best not to drive when you’re exhausted, right?” He nodded and asked,
“Can you step outta the car please?” I asked,
“Excuse me?” He opened the car door and repeated,
“Step out of the car.” Cassie yelled,
“What the hell?” I whispered,
“Cassie,” I put my hands up and stepped out of the car, he grabbed my wrist and pushed me against the car. I asked, “what the hell is going on?” He answered,
“Logan Fields, you’re a missing person and your parents instructed me to bring you home.” I shook my head and tried to move but his grip was tight. I slammed my head back into his and I could feel his grip weaken. I kicked him in the stomach and climbed into the car. I put the car in drive and sped off. Cassie yelled,
“What the hell was that? You’re a missing person?” I shrugged and answered,
“I guess, I don’t know!” I slammed my hand on the steering wheel and yelled, “fuck!” I pressed my foot down on the gas and for a minute I was blind. For a minute everything was blurry. Everything was moving so fast, everything was flying by or maybe it was just the car. Cassie yelled,
“Logan!” I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and pressed my foot down harder. She screamed, “Logan, stop the car!” I start to release my foot of the gas, I take deep breaths but I’m still mad. I slowly place my foot on the break. I mumbled,
“I’m sorry.” I pulled over as my eyes filled with tears. I flung my head back and I took a deep breath. I slammed my hands on the steering wheel, she jumped as I punched it. I punched it a couple times, until my knuckles bled. She touched my shoulder and as her hand touched me I jumped. She asked,
“Are you okay?” I shook my head and unbuckled my seatbelt. I opened the car door and walked around. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Why would they file a missing person’s report? She packed my bags but the second I left she made it seem like I ran away. When she had my bags packed as soon as I got home. Cassie followed me, I could hear the door close. She grabbed my hand and in the moment I reacted, in the moment my hands went to her shoulders. I pushed her down to the ground, as she hit the ground I looked down at my hands, I was shaking as I realized what I’ve done. I took a deep breath and whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She sat there for a minute, completely speechless. I sat beside her and put my face in my hands. She takes a deep breath and said,
“I’m okay.” I shake my head, my hands are still shaking, my stomach’s in knots. She added, “it’s okay.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“It’s not.” It’s not okay, it’s never been okay.” She asked,
“Has anything like that ever happened before?” I shake my head, I lied. She nodded and stood up. She stuck out her hand and added, “I think we should keep moving.” She pulled me up and smiled. I couldn’t smile, I physically couldn’t. She got in the driver's side, it was probably best for her to drive. I opened my notebook and started writing,
I did something that seemed familiar, it felt like we were right back in your room that day. The day when I found out you were lying to me, the day I hit you for the first time. The day my hand landed against your face, the day where I saw the way you looked at me. I saw the way you looked at me and in that moment you were scared of me. And I was scared of myself too but that was only the first time. Our relationship got far more toxic, and we knew that. When we fought we wouldn’t cool off, we would yell for hours but it never ended well. She had the same look on her face as you did all them years ago, fear. The only reason I’m writing this down is because I can’t say it out loud. I’m so sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to love you and if it was ever an option I would do it all over again. I would start over for you, Addison.
-Logan
I could feel Cassie staring at me as I wrote. Every time I looked at her she looked away, my stomach was still in knots, I felt terrible. Terrible for lying and terrible for pushing her. I felt terrible the first time, and every time after that. Cassie asked,
“That’s not the first time that happened, is it?” I keep my head down and keep writing. She added, “is that why you’re running?” I shake my head without looking up at her. She stopped the car and said, “I need answers!” I shut the book and rubbed my face. She asked, “why are you running?” I took a deep breath and answered,
“I’m not, my mom packed my bags and told me to get out. I’m not running from anything.” She shook her head and said,
“You’re lying, maybe you’re not running from anything physically but I can tell that you’re running from the truth.” I shook my head and asked,
“How do you know that?” She looked down at the book and looked back up at me. She answered,
“Because I’m not stupid.”
20
She wasn’t stupid, but she didn’t know what I had in this notebook and I don’t intend for her to find out. I took a deep breath and said,
“In my experience everyone around me leaves or dies, it’s much safer to not let anyone in.” I looked down at my feet and added, “I can promise you one thing, I will never lie to you.” She touched my hand and whispered,
“I’m not going anywhere.” For a second it felt like I was back in Addison’s room on her bed, holding her in my arms. I pulled my hand away and opened my book again. I began writing and she started the car again. She continued driving and I continued writing. The car was silent, the silence was better than the conversation. I asked,
“Do you ever feel like you have so much to say but don’t know how to say it?” She smiled and answered,
“All the time.” I nodded and continued to write. I closed the book and pulled out my phone. I opened google maps and typed an address in. I placed my phone on the stand that was suction cupped to the dashboard. She asked, “what’s in New Orleans?” I answered,
“That’s home.” She nodded and the car was silent again. I realized that she was better off without me, I realized that she didn’t need me. She didn’t need someone bringing her down every step of the way or someone who couldn’t treat her right. The car was silent for hours, by hour four we were starting to get exhausted. I said, “I think we should call it a night, there was a motel a couple miles back.” She nodded and turned around. The motel was small, it seemed more like a cabin than a motel. I grabbed my notebook and walked towards the door of the motel. We paid and I got the keys to the room and we headed up the stairs. When we got to the room it was cold and dark, all the furniture was brown and the walls were white. The bed had brown sheets and a white blanket resting on it. She announced,
“This is one of the ugliest motel rooms I’ve ever been in.” A smile grew across my face. I let out a laugh and she stared at me, she smiled as soon as I laughed. My eyes darted to the floor as I asked,
“Do you want the bed?” She looked around and answered,
“Where are you gonna sleep? The floor?” I shrugged. She shook her head and added, “we can both sleep on the bed.” I shook my head and said,
“I can sleep on the floor, I don’t mind.” She shook her head and sat on the bed. She patted the empty space beside her. I sat next to her and our bodies relaxed as we took a deep breath. I laid back on the bed, my feet still on the floor. The silence crept in again. I took a deep breath and asked, “what’s your plan?” She shrugged and answered,
“I haven’t gotten that far yet.” I nodded and she laid back. She let out a deep breath and added, “what’s yours?” I shrugged, we laid there for a while in silence. We didn’t know where to go from here, we didn’t know how to even think of where to go. This wasn’t a normal situation, this wasn’t normal. She asked, “why are you going home?” I shrugged and answered,
“My family’s looking for me, I think that leaving might have been a mistake.” She nodded and I added, “maybe it’s where I belong.” She asked,
“What if it’s not?” I shrugged, she had a point, what if I don’t belong there? What if it’s not my place anymore? What if I go back and everything’s changed? I answered,
“I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” She nodded and we laid there. I could feel her arm brush against mine and it stayed there. I closed my eyes and for a minute I felt calm and safe. Then I felt guilty, I felt guilty for having feelings for Cassie. I moved my arm and sat up, I whispered, “I’m gonna sleep on the floor.” She rolled her eyes and asked,
“What the hell are you so afraid of?” I asked,
“What?” She stood up and yelled,
“The second we are having an actual moment, you freak out!” I shake my head and my eyes fall to my feet. She added, “you know what, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking someone could actually like me!” I shook my head and my eyes met hers. There were tears in her eyes. I walked towards her and whispered,
“That’s not it.” She rolled her eyes and I put my hand on her waist. I pulled her towards me and my eyes met hers. My lips brushed against hers, for a minute I felt it, I felt what I felt when I was with Addison. I felt that feeling in my stomach. I felt that flicker in my chest, I felt it. She pulled away but I didn’t want her to pull away. I pulled her waist towards me again, our lips met. Her soft lips brushed against mine. She pulled away and asked,
“What about our deal?” I shrugged and answered,
“I don’t know.” She shook her head and mumbled,
“Goddamnit Logan.” She sat on the bed and groaned. She added, “you’re messing with me man!” I put my hands up and said,
“I’m not messing with you!” She groaned again and yelled,
“You’re making this shit hard!” She took a deep breath and added, “you’re making it hard to not fucking like you!” She stood up and walked towards me. She asked, “what the fuck was that?” I shrugged and answered,
“I don’t know.” Her hands covered her face as she groaned. I took a step back and added, “I’m gonna go to the store, give you some time to cool off.” She shook her head and asked,
“Do you just run away from everything? You’re family, now me. It seems to me you’re a runner.” I shook my head. I wanted to say something back but I knew she was right. This whole time I’ve been running from the thought of being happy but I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to live in a world where there’s only misery, I don’t want to be a part of the suffering anymore. I got in the car but I never needed to go to the store, I just needed to clear my head. I needed to realize what I wanted, what I needed.
Five minutes pass, then ten, then twenty, and finally thirty. I still didn’t know what I wanted, it wasn’t really about what I wanted. I needed to think about what I needed because I needed to think about the future. I walked back to the room, and I stood outside of the door for a minute before turning the knob. I opened the door and I saw her reaction as I opened it. She turned to face me as she held the book up. The book, the notebook, the journal, the diary whatever you want to call it. She read it, she read the thing where I kept her. She read the one thing I had left of her. She read all the memories we had, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. She asked,
“Are you still in love with her?” At first her words didn’t register, at first I didn’t have an answer. She added, “your ex, Addison. Are you still in love with her?” I asked,
“How much did you read?” I look down at my feet. She whispered,
“Enough.” I shook my head as my eyes filled with tears. I kept my eyes at my feet and mumbled,
“If you read enough, you would know what happened to her.” I couldn’t bring my eyes to hers. I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t want to see the look in her eyes. I added, “you only read the first couple pages. How bout you skip to the end?” She shook her head and asked,
“When did you write all of this?” I shrugged and answered,
“In the car, I guess I got lost in it. I filled up the whole thing.” I took a deep breath and said, “but I think you need to read the last page.” She shook her head. I closed my eyes as I lifted her head. My eyes met hers as I took the notebook. I whispered, “just the last couple sentences.” She shook her head and I took a deep breath. I could barely see the words as tears glossed my eyes. I began, “the day you died, the day you told me to let you go was one of the worst things someone’s ever said to me. The fact that you looked me in the eyes and told me to let you go makes my stomach sick. Maybe I will always hate you for that but I know I will always hate myself more for letting you go but it’s time to let you go. So I end this journal with a goodbye that may be a wound that will never close, but I deserve to be happy even if your shadow follows.” I cleared my throat and added, “goodbye Addison.” She closed her eyes as tears ran down her face. She mumbled,
“I’m sorry.” I close the journal and toss it on the bed. I asked,
“What exactly are you sorry for? Reading the journal? Or assuming you have my whole life figured out?” I could hear my voice getting louder. I asked, “what the hell were you thinking?” She shrugged and answered,
“I don’t know!” I scoffed, I don’t think I was mad at her. I think I was mad at the fact that she felt she needed to read the journal. No, I was mad at her for reading it. She. Read. The. Journal.
21
We sat in silence, she sat on the bed. She didn’t say anything else, what could she say? I’m sorry for invading your privacy? I’m sorry for making you believe I could be trusted? I asked,
“Why’d you do it?” She shrugged and I added, “when you asked me in the car if you could read it, I said no. But you did it anyway.” She mumbled,
“I was upset, we just had a moment and you left. You just left.” I laughed and looked down at my feet. It wasn’t a funny laugh, more like a hurt laugh, like a I can’t believe you laugh. My head hung down. I asked,
“So it’s my fault? Is it my fault you read my journal?” She shook her head. I whispered, “that’s what it sounds like. It sounds like you’re trying to blame me.” She shook her head and whispered,
“I’m not trying to blame you, I was upset.” She stood up and her voice started getting louder. She added, “I wasn’t thinking but you don’t get to make me feel bad about that! You don’t get to guilt trip me for being upset!” I yelled,
“Well guess what, I do blame you! I blame you for reading the journal because you made me think I could trust you! You made me think I could be myself around you! You made me feel something!” I could see her flinch as my voice got louder, my voice was cracking as I yelled. My eyes were glossed with tears. I grabbed the journal from the bed and flipped through the pages, almost every page was full. Almost all of them, some were blank. I asked, “do you know why some are blank?” She shook her head. I answered, “eventually I’ll find the will power to finish the story but if I don’t, I guess the last page is good.” She nodded and asked,
“Who were you writing to?” I shrugged and answered,
“In the beginning I didn’t know, but the more I wrote the more I realized that I was writing everything I didn’t say to her.” I sat next to her on the bed. It was calm, I was still mad but she had questions and it didn’t matter how mad I was, she deserved answers. She mumbled,
“I’m sorry, I just don’t understand why it’s such a big deal!” I shook my head and said,
“If you were sorry you would understand!” I took a deep breath and yelled, “you would understand why it was so important for me to trust you! Since day one I’ve told you that I don’t trust easily or that I wasn’t looking for anything but you completely ignored that!” She stood up and yelled,
“I said I was sorry! I don’t know what you want me to say!” I rubbed my face and yelled,
“There’s nothing you can say! I don’t think you understand that, Cassie!” She yelled,
“Don’t fucking tell me what I don’t understand!” I groaned. She added, “listen, I am so sorry I read your journal but you were lying to me!” I walked towards her and yelled,
“Don’t do that! I have been honest since day one! I told you I wasn’t looking for anything! I told you I wasn’t ready!” She rolled her eyes. I held the notebook in front of me, rubbing my finger over the cover. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal, maybe I was overreacting. She asked,
“God! It’s just a stupid notebook! I apologized! What will it take for you to forgive me?” I shrugged, I didn’t know. Some things can’t be forgiven, they say forgive and forget but you never really forget. I answered,
“I don’t know if I can trust you.” She nodded, we stood in silence and we never made eye contact. I couldn’t look her in the eyes because the only thing I saw was her face when I walked in that door. She finally looked up at me as I stared out the window. She asked,
“Where do we go from here?” I shrugged. I handed her my phone and answered,
“You should call your parents, tell them where you are.” She shook her head. I added, “they’re probably worried about you.” She took the phone and just for a second our hands touched. For that second everything felt fine, everything felt normal but I couldn’t even look at her. She asked,
“What about us?” I could hear her voice crack as she talked. I answered,
“I don’t think there’s an us anymore. I don’t think there ever was, I think we wanted someone to make us feel comfortable so bad that we kinda just fell for each other. I think we both wanted a warm hug so we took the first one we could get.” She shook her head and asked,
“That’s it?” I shrugged, there wasn’t really anything else to say, I couldn’t think of an answer that would make her feel better. She broke my trust and I don’t know if I can look at her the same way. I rubbed my hands through my hair and answered,
“I guess.” She handed the phone back and said,
“I’ll figure a way home by myself.” She didn’t want to make the call, she didn’t want to go home. I walked towards the door, I didn’t want to leave her here but I don’t think I could look at her the same way. I nodded and said,
“Do you need a ride? To a train station or something?” She nodded, I didn’t want to leave her stranded. It doesn’t matter how mad I am, or how hurt. This someone’s daughter and I would never want someone to go through the same pain I did. I opened the door and we walked to the parking lot. We drove in silence, the silence and tension in the car was unbearable. She said,
“I’m sorry.” I nodded. I could feel her staring at me, I could feel her waiting for me to say something. I whispered,
“Yeah, I know.” I pulled up to a train station, it was small. One train, not many people walking in and out, definitely no platform nine and three quarters. She asked,
“So this is it?” I shrugged, she wanted me to grab her hand and say no. I wish I could but the thought of her reading about Addison and what I did made me scared enough to know not to stop her. I tried to fake a smile but I couldn’t. I cleared my throat and answered,
“Yeah I guess it is.” She took a deep breath and opened the car door. Before she got out she asked,
“Logan, can you do me a favor? You have no reason to but just hear me out.” I nodded. She began, “Logan, what I did was wrong and I know that. I am so sorry but now I know what happened and I think I know why you don’t open up. Keep writing, you’re really good. Even if you’re writing to her, just keep writing. I expect to see you on the shelves at Walmart or something. Maybe even shoot for Barnes and Nobles.” I nodded. This was the first time someone told me I was good at writing. Addison never said that. Maybe because I never had an actual reason to write. She leaned over to my ear and whispered, “goodbye Logan.” Pulling away from my ear she kissed me on the cheek. She smiled but I could see the tears in her eyes. I whispered,
“Goodbye Cassie.” I watched as she walked to the train, I watched as she walked out of my life. Maybe a part of me was sad but a bigger part of me knew I did the right thing. I knew that letting her go was the best thing for both of us, maybe we just weren’t meant to be. Maybe we were just two cars passing by.
22
I followed the directions back home. I drove for hours, I was eight hours in of a ten hour drive. With every mile I drove, the less I was sure I should do this. I wasn’t sure if I could face my parents, face her parents, face my teachers. Face anything, it was like I was the scared little boy who hid under his bed during thunderstorms. I wasn’t that boy anymore, or maybe we’re all our younger selves just putting on a brave face. Maybe we’re all very little in the times where we have to be big.
I drove for another hour before I started to fall asleep at the wheel. I pulled over but I didn’t sleep. I opened the book. I grabbed the pen from the glovebox and started writing. I wrote for what seemed like hours, I got lost in it. I got lost in the memories of Addison. I got lost in the love we used to have. I realized that this was not the end of the story, maybe the end of our story but I feel like I owe her. I feel like I owe it to her to keep writing about my life since she’s not here to live it. She won’t get to have a wedding or have a kid. Or even graduate highschool. Her life ended before it even began. I took a deep breath and tossed the notebook to the passenger seat.
I started driving again, I only had two hours left. I didn’t want to keep going but there was nowhere else to go. I had nowhere to go, with a missing persons report it seemed pointless to try to out run it. So I kept going, and going, and going until I reached my house. I parked outside, not in the driveway. I knocked on the door, I thought maybe if I ran, I could get in my car and speed away. As I went to turn around and go back to my car the door opened. I turned around and said,
“Hi mom.” She seemed scared, she seemed confused. She seemed like she didn’t just report me missing. We stood there in silence, in shock. She moved away from the door, enough for me to come inside. I sat on the couch, something about this couch seemed different. I didn’t seem familiar anymore. I asked, “where’s dad?” She stayed silent, she sat next to me and we still sat in silence. She answered,
“Your father had an accident.” My eyes darted to hers, her eyes were filled with tears. She added, “a work accident.” I shook my head and asked,
“He’s okay though, right?” Her eyes fell to her feet. I mumbled, “no, he’s fine.” Her eyes stayed at her feet. I asked, “Mom, he’s okay right?” In that moment of silence it felt like my world ended. It was a different kind of pain, not the same pain as Addison. I knew the look, I knew he was gone. In some way it didn’t feel the same as Addison’s death, it was worse. A thousand times worse. It felt like my soul was ripped from my body and stomped on. She shook her head, no words. Just a head shake. I stood up and paced around the room. I asked, “what happened?” She took a deep breath, her eyes still at her feet. She answered,
“He fell off the ladder, he didn’t get back up.” I shook my head, it’s the only thing I could do. I couldn’t form the words to protest with her. I couldn’t argue with her, I couldn’t accuse her of lying just because I was upset. I couldn’t cry because no tears would fall, I couldn’t mourn because I’ve barely mourned Addison. Yet there’s another funeral to go to, and another page to write. I sat next to my mother. I asked,
“When did this happen?” She closed her eyes as tears fell down her face. The wound was fresh, me being here just made things worse. She mumbled,
“Why’d you come back?” I shrugged, I didn’t know why. I didn’t want her to know the truth, I couldn’t tell her the truth. Was I supposed to tell her I came back because the person I had feelings for read my journal and couldn’t be trusted? Or the truth, I came back because I’m still not done mourning Addison? I answered,
“I don’t know.” I chose to lie, as always. I debated just running out the door and leaving again but now, I couldn’t leave. She got up from the couch and walked to the fridge. She grabbed a beer from the twelve pack in the fridge, except there wasn’t twelve anymore. There were only six left. I asked, “how many have you drank?” She shrugged, too ashamed to say it out loud. I knew that answer and she knew that I knew. I grabbed the beer from her hand gently. I whispered, “I think that’s enough for tonight.” She ripped it from my grasp and asked,
“You really think I need a kid telling me how to live?” She slurred as she spoke. I nodded and answered,
“Yeah mom, I think you do.” She rolled her eyes and took a swift chug. I asked, “where’s my brother, mom?” She pointed up the stairs. I walked up the stairs quietly, the whole floor was silent and pitch black. I knew my brother needed sound to sleep but there was no sound or light. I called, “Dylan?” No response. I walked into his bedroom and peeked in, it was so dark I couldn’t see a thing. I turned the light on and there he was, crying silently. I asked, “Dylan, buddy. You okay?” He looked up and a smile grew on his face. He wiped his tears and jumped in my arms. I hugged him and held him. I asked, “what’s wrong?” He had a bruise on his arm, I looked down and rage started to build. I took a deep breath, I had to control how I reacted. I asked, “what happened to your arm?” I could tell he was hesitant. I whispered, “it’s okay, you can tell me.” He answered,
“Mommy just gets so angry sometimes.” I nodded and sat him back on the bed. I could tell his mood change as I sat him on the bed. I turned on his TV but the screen was green. He whispered, “mommy broke it.” I nodded and scooped him up. I asked,
“How ‘bout me and you go on an adventure?” He smiled again and nodded. I held him as we walked down the stairs. My mother was still drinking beer. She made eye contact with me as I dug through the fridge. I put Dylan down and grabbed his hand. I grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge. I handed Dylan one and squatted down. I asked, “when was the last time you ate?” He shrugged. I nodded and grabbed a grocery bag from under the sink. I threw food in there, apples, string cheese, yogurt, anything that was easy to grab. My mother stumbled to the kitchen and asked,
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I tried to ignore her but the closer she got the harder Dylan gripped my hand. I answered,
“I’m taking him with me!” She shook her head and grabbed my arm as I tried to walk past her. I pulled my arm away and yelled, “don’t touch me! I am not one of your little toys you can push around! He is five years old! How could you do that to him!” She asked,
“What the hell are you talking about?” I walked closer to the door and answered,
“I saw the bruises! I’ll be back tomorrow for all his stuff.” She grabbed my arm and pleaded,
“Please don’t take him, I’ll be better I swear!” I shook my head and said,
“He can’t live like this, I don’t want him to see you like this.” I looked down and asked, “you ready?” He nodded and we walked outside. I took the car seat from the garage and put it inside the car. He climbed in the back seat and we left. I didn’t know where I was going, there wasn’t really any where I had to go. I just knew I had to get him out of that house. I couldn’t let him become something like our mother. I watched him through the rear view mirror, he started to fall asleep, I’m guessing for the first time in a while.
I smiled knowing he was safe, I smiled knowing I would take care of him. I would always take care of him.
23
I drove for what seemed like hours, but it wasn’t. I drove for twenty minutes. It just felt like hours because my mind was filled with anger and rage. I took a deep breath as I drove, I had to focus on him. I needed to keep him safe. I pulled up at a local hotel, just for tonight. I scooped Dylan out of the car seat and walked to the front entrance. I smiled at the lady at the front desk. I asked,
“Is there any chance I can get a room, just for one night?” She typed on her computer and nodded. She answered,
“We have one room available for fifty dollars a night.” I nodded and handed her the fifty dollar bill. I walked up the stairs to the second floor and unlocked the door. The room was small, the black curtains blocking the street light. The white bed sheets are nicely pressed. I laid Dylan on the bed and watched him as he continued to sleep. I opened the notebook and continued to write. Every now and then I would look over at the time. I started writing at 10:30 p.m, I got lost in my feelings. I got lost in my writing and the last time I checked the time it was 1:03 a.m, I laid my jacket along with the notebook on the chair next to the bed. I laid next to Dylan on the bed and eventually I fell asleep.
I dreamed for the first time in a while but it wasn’t about Addison. It was about Cassie, and our kiss. It was about how soft her lips were and how effortlessly good that kiss was. How it felt when I grabbed her waist and pulled her towards me. It was about how good it was going before she read the notebook, it was about how I pulled away when she read it. How I pulled away first, I dreamed about how I always ruin anything good.
My thoughts woke me up, it wasn’t really a dream anymore. It was more like thoughts, thoughts about Cassie. Things I should have told Cassie, things I should’ve let go of. When I woke up Dylan was still sleeping, he was peaceful, he was okay. I grabbed my jacket and my notebook. I scooped him up and walked back to the car. He still slept as I scooped him up. He was smiling in his sleep or he was fake sleeping. I looked down at him and I knew that I had to be there for him, I have to be the one he turns to. I am the one he will turn to. I placed him in the car seat and we drove back to the house. I had to get his stuff but when we pulled up at the house police officers swarmed. I ran in the house and asked,
“What the hell is going on?” One officer pushed me outside. I couldn’t see my mom. I yelled, “don’t touch me! This is my house!” The officer asked,
“This is your house?” I nodded. The officer added, “son, why don’t you sit down?” I could tell something was coming, I knew the look. I asked,
“What happened?” The officer answered, “We found a woman in the kitchen with cuts on their wrists. She called the ambulance herself before she slit her wrists.” I took a deep breath and asked,
“Is she alive?” The officer answered,
“When we got to the scene she lost a lot of blood but it was manageable. An ambulance took her to the hospital. She was stable when she entered the ambulance, that’s all we know.” I nodded and walked back to the car. I tried to keep myself under control but all these emotions were running wild. Anger, rage, fear, and sadness. They were all rotating around my brain. Dylan woke up as I drove. He asked,
“Where are we going?” I pulled over and turned around. I answered,
“Something is happening to mommy, she’s okay but she may have to go away for a while but I promise you that I will take care of you.” His eyes were glossed with tears as he nodded. I placed my hand on his knee and added, “I want you to know that I’m always gonna be here for you. And none of this is your fault.” I knew he didn’t understand but he needed to know that he might not see her for a while. She needs help and I’m going to make sure she gets it, whether or not she wants to admit it. I continued to drive to the hospital, gripping the steering wheel as hard as I could to stop myself from screaming.
When we got to the hospital I felt scared. As a kid I was always scared of hospitals but it never occured to me that maybe some of our fears as kids continue as adults. I was anxious to see her, to see her after she tried to kill herself. The nurse gave us her room number and Dylan tightened his grip on my hand. He was scared but so was I. Seeing her in that hospital bed made me sick, it made my stomach turn. She was still unconscious, but seeing her hooked up to all those machines made it all seem real. It made everything click, this was real life. People die in school shootings or they die by falling off ladders. Or they try to kill themselves, this is our reality. Sorry to say it but not everything is puppies and rainbows, as much as we’d like to think that everything is perfect it’s not.
We sat in the room until she woke up but it seemed like hours. Just sitting in that room, watching her barely even breath by herself made me realize that life’s too short. Life is too short to spend your day moping because you feel sorry for yourself or being sad over things you can’t control. Life is too damn short to push things off until tomorrow. Life is too short to not take risks, life is too short to not spend time with your loved ones. Above all, life is too unpredictable. We could all die tomorrow, knock on wood we don’t but we could. It’s just a matter of time before we all bite the dust so tell your crush how you feel or go skydiving, do whatever you want! Don’t let the fear stop you from living, you only get one shot.
All these thoughts are running through my head, it feels like my head is about to explode but then she wakes up. She wakes up and she looks around, I know who she’s looking for and it wasn’t me.
24
I smiled at her as she woke up, she’s still looking around. Looking for someone, looking for him. She asked,
“Where’s your father?” I closed my eyes, she doesn’t remember, she doesn’t know. I have to be the one to tell her, I have to be the one to tell her that her husband is dead, the father of her children, the love of her life is gone. This situation feels oddly familiar and that’s the part that’s killing me. The part that she’s going to feel what I felt the day Addison died. The part where she won’t get out of bed until someone drags her out. The part where she won’t find happiness until god knows when. The part where I have to be the one to tell her. I answered,
“Mom, he was in an accident.” She shook her head, my heart and voice broke as I spoke. I added, “in a work accident, he fell off a ladder.” She continued to shake her head as she cried. She yelled,
“Get out! Please, just get out!” I closed my eyes and took her hand and I whispered,
“It’s gonna be okay!” She shook her head and whispered,
“Please, just go.” I could hear her voice breaking and I could feel her heart breaking. I nodded and grabbed Dylan’s hand. We walked out of the hospital, seeing her cry over him. Seeing her in emotional and physical pain made me upset. She needed help and I was going to get that for her, I was going to get her help. When we got in the car Dylan asked,
“What’s wrong with mommy?” I turned around and smiled, I tried to give him comfort but maybe comfort isn’t always what we need. I answered,
“Mommy’s a little sick right now, buddy. But I promise she’s gonna be okay.” He nodded and we drove around for hours. It felt like we were driving in circles, and maybe we were. My phone rang and it was an unknown number. The first time I let it ring but after the third time I answered, “hello?” The voice answered,
“Hey stranger.” I knew that voice anywhere, I knew who that was. I asked,
“Cassie?” The voice asked,
“Did you miss me?” A wave of relief washes over me. I asked,
“How did you get my number?” She answered,
“I have my ways.” I smiled and I’m glad she couldn’t see me smiling. I asked,
“Where are you? It sounds loud.” She answered,
“Why? You gonna come find me?” I laughed and she added, “luckily for you, you don’t have to look that far.” I asked,
“What do you mean?” She whispered,
“Turn around.” My heart started racing, my chest started to hurt. I turned around slowly and there she was, standing in front of me. I smiled and she walked over to me, she smiled. I missed her smile, the smile that could light up a whole room. She hugged me and squatted down to Dylan. She asked, “and who is this?” I answered,
“This is Dylan, my little brother.” She smiled and stuck her hand out for Dylan. She whispered,
“I’m Cassie.” I asked,
“How did you get here, how did you know where I was?” She answered,
“I have my ways.” She smiled and for a second everything seemed right. Everything seemed like it was meant to be. She asked, “so I guess the runaway team is back together?” I laughed and asked,
“Is that what we’re calling it? The runaway team?” She smiled and answered,
“It has a nice ring to it, The runaway team. I could see it in lights, maybe as a movie!” I put my arm around her and said,
“Keep dreaming.” She smiled and we walked back to the car. I guess I forgive her. After everything that happened in these two days, I realized that life is too short for grudges. She asked,
“So is that a yes?” I asked,
“What?” She rolled her eyes, I knew exactly what she was talking about. I knew what she wanted me to say. I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “absolutely.” She smiled, I turned her face towards mine and my lips brushed against hers. This time no one pulled away. Her soft lips brushed against mine, it felt natural, it felt new. She pulled away and asked,
“What about our deal?” I shook my head and asked,
“What deal?” She rolled her eyes again as I smiled. She pushed my shoulder and said,
“You know what deal!” I took a deep breath and said,
“I wanna try this.” She smiled but I knew she was trying to hide it. She asked,
“Are you serious?” I nodded, and she smiled. It felt good to finally feel something again, to feel like that again. She asked, “why are we sitting in a hospital parking lot?” I took a deep breath and answered,
“My mom tried to kill herself.” I said in a tone that seemed like this is my everyday life. She took a deep breath and said,
“I am so sorry.” I took a deep breath and looked back at Dylan, he climbed in the car and he was starting to fall asleep. I whispered,
“Last night I came home and he had bruises all over his arms.” She shook her head in sadness. I kept looking at him, I had to give him a better life. He deserved a real chance, a chance to not end up like everyone in this town. She asked,
“Is she okay?” I answered,
“She’s breathing.” She nodded, I put the keys in and pulled out of the hospital’s parking lot. We drove around town, this place didn’t feel familiar anymore. I didn’t know where to go, or what to do. This is the place that teenagers usually run from when they’re old enough. I did run but it seems that my roots are planted here, and they’re too strong to cut. Somehow and some way I will always be drawn back to this place, I just have to accept that.
Home is where the heart is, right? Maybe this is where my heart lays, where it lays broken in a million little pieces. Shattered and spread across the floor of my high school. Ironic how the world works, isn’t it?
25
We drove around for hours, well what felt like hours. The whole town was quiet, quieter than normal. She asked,
“Should we go back to the hospital?” I shook my head and continued to drive. She asked, “is your dad at the hospital with her?” I shook my head and answered,
“He’s dead. Funny thing is that I wasn’t even around when it happened.” She touched my shoulder and she whispered,
“It’s all gonna be okay.” I shook my shoulder to get her hand off and yelled,
“No, it’s not gonna be okay! Nothing is ever okay, not in my world!” I couldn’t explain to her anymore that my life is messy and sad. I’ve been trying to explain that to her, but it doesn’t seem to click. She said,
“It will be, we’re gonna fix this!” I exclaimed,
“That’s the problem, you wanna fix it! It can’t be fixed, I can’t be fixed! You can’t fix me! Cassie, I can’t be fixed, this is my life! It’s messy and complicated and death seems to follow!” She shook her head and said,
“Logan, I’m not trying to fix you!” I could feel it, I felt her trying to fix me. My mind was telling me she was trying to fix me, I felt it. I shook my head and whispered,
“I can feel it, I can feel you judging me!” She shook her head and asked,
“Are you okay?” I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, I felt mad and upset. I could tell she was trying to fix me, she was trying to change me. My foot pressed harder on the gas. She yelled, “Logan, slow down!” I shook my head, I could hear ringing in my ears. My head was pounding, my hands were sweating, I couldn’t see anything. All I felt was rage, I couldn’t focus on her. She yelled again, “Slow the hell down!” I looked at her, I saw the fear in her eyes. Suddenly the ringing and the pounding stopped. I pressed my foot on the brake, I couldn’t wrap my head around what just happened. I just saw the fear on her face. My hands were shaking, my whole body shook in fear. It was like I was outside of my body, like it wasn’t me. I looked behind me, Dylan was crying but I couldn’t hear him at that moment, I couldn’t hear anything but my thoughts. She asked, “What the hell were you thinking?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t know.” The truth is I wasn’t, I couldn’t think, I just stomped on the gas and let my emotions take control. I couldn’t see anything, hear anything, feel anything. She opened the car door and stepped outside of the car. She stood in front of her door and lit a cigarette. I looked over at Dylan and asked, “are you okay?” He nodded but I could see the fear in his eyes, he wasn’t responding. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the seat. I opened my door and walked to where Cassie was standing. I took the cigarette from her hand and put it in my mouth. I blew out a cloud of smoke and announced, “I think something’s wrong with me.” I felt as her eyes scanned my body. She blew out a cloud of smoke and said,
“That’s not the first time something like this has happened, it happened in Texas too.” I nodded, it did. It keeps happening, I have these thoughts that make me angry and I just let it run wild. In those moments it doesn’t matter who I hurt or what happens because it just feels like I’m not in control. I took a deep breath and said,
“I’m sorry.” She shrugged and said,
“We all do stupid shit when we’re mad or upset.” I shook my head and said,
“That’s not an excuse.” She shrugged. It seemed like she didn’t want me to break, it felt like she was saying the right thing so I didn’t freak out. So I didn’t cause another episode, it felt like she was being cautious and she shouldn’t have to be. She threw her cigarette out into the grassy area in front of us. I asked, “where to next?” She shrugged and answered,
“Wherever the road takes us.” I smiled, we got back in the car but it was silent. There wasn’t anything to fill the silence with. I think she was still scared that I would break and honestly I might. I took a deep breath and tried to focus on the road but my eyes kept lingering on her. Every time I looked at her she was looking out the window, deep in thought. I said,
“We have to go back to my house to get Dylan’s stuff.” She asked,
“So are you gonna be the one taking care of Dylan? Like full time?” I shrugged, I didn’t think that far ahead. I just knew he needed to get out of that house, I couldn’t let him be a part of that lifestyle. It was a trap, a trap that’s too hard to get out of. There’s two ways to get to my house from here, there’s a way that’s long and a way that’s short. The short way goes past something that I’m not ready to face. The long way it is. As I drove, the car was still silent, you could hear a pin drop or whatever that saying was. The only thing I can hear are my thoughts and from my experience that usually ends badly. I asked,
“Do you think it’s stupid for me to take him?” I look at Dylan through the rear view mirror. He’s sound asleep. She shrugged and answered,
“I think you mean well and I think you wanna help but I don’t think you can take care of him.” I nodded, it made sense. I didn’t have a job, a house. We couldn’t live in hotels for the rest of our lives. I didn’t know the first thing about being a parent. She added, “I know you want to help but I don’t think you can.” I shook my head and said,
“I won’t let him go back there, not alone.” We pulled in the driveway, my mother sat on the porch step. I whispered, “stay here.” I took a deep breath and got out of the car. I walked to the porch and sat beside her. She sat there and watched as the cars drove by. She muttered,
“I used to sit here every night. Your father and I would be up for hours after we put you to sleep. We’d sit here and talk every night.” I smiled and asked,
“What did you talk about?” She smiled at the thought of him. She answered,
“How we would grow old together, how he was gonna build a porch swing so we could be that old couple who watched all the kids play on the sidewalk.” Her smile fades and so does mine. She added, “we were gonna watch them draw with chalk and remember you boys.” Tears streamed down her face, I wrapped my arm around her and said,
“I know.” She cried as I hugged her. I looked down at her bandaged wrists. For a minute it felt like how it used to be, when everything was okay. When nothing ever happened in this small town. I asked, “why did you do it?” She looked up through the tears and answered,
“I don’t know.” I nodded and pulled her up slowly. I sat her on the couch and asked,
“Are you hungry?” It killed me to be back in this house, it killed me to act like everything was fine but she’s my mom, she’s the one who took care of me when I was sick. I couldn’t just abandon her, I couldn’t walk away. She shook her head. I walked upstairs to my room. I looked around and I saw it, I saw the one thing that always stayed the same. The stars above my bed, I took the big one but the little ones were still scattered across the ceiling. They didn’t glow that well anymore but just enough to see. I smiled at it, it was like a sign to keep going, a sign to not give up. I took a deep breath and walked to Dylan’s room, grabbing anything I could. Clothes, a couple stuffed animals, and anything else. I walked downstairs to get a trash bag and my mother held a lighter in one hand and lighter fluid in the other. I asked, “what are you doing?” She shook her head and answered,
“There’s nothing left, nothing is left!” I walked towards her and said,
“Mom, there is stuff left, you just have to see it! You have to open your eyes.” She squirted the couch in lighter fluid. It squirted on my arm, squirted on my shirt. I yelled, “stop! Think about Dylan!” She stopped for a second and whispered,
“He’ll be fine, he has you.” I shook my head and said,
“A boy needs his mother! He needs you, I can’t take care of him!” She shook her head and said,
“I know you can, you have to. He deserves someone to love him!” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“Please don’t do this!” She yelled,
“Logan, you need to go! Get out!” She was screaming, she was in pain. She needed help. I shook my head and yelled,
“I’m not going anywhere!” She yelled,
“Logan, please just go!” Her voice broke as she yelled but she didn’t stop squirting the liquid. I shook my head and yelled,
“I’m not leaving you! Dad wouldn’t want this!” She looked at me, with a look of disgust. She yelled,
“Logan, just go!” I shook my head and watched as she played with the lighter. I asked,
“So what’s the ending to this?” I added, “we just blow up?” I shrugged and said, “wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, actually.” She rolled her eyes. I asked, “what? Oh come on, you know it’s what you want. Just to be gone, no pain and to just be with him.” Her face went blank. I added, “I’ve been you, hell I am you.” She took a deep breath and asked,
“Why are you willing to die?” I answered,
“Because you’re my mom and as fucked up as this seems, I am you. I was you, and it goes up from here, I got a pretty great girl out in that car and I’m standing here covered in lighter fluid. If you were anyone else I wouldn’t have stayed in here, you might not have been the greatest mom but you’re still my mom.” She shook her head and said,
“It’s not worth it without him.” I nodded and said,
“I know it feels that way but it is worth it. In the end you’ll realize that it’s worth it.” She shakes her head and yelled,
“I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna light this place on fire!” I nodded and sat on the couch covered in lighter fluid. I said,
“Then do it, come on.” She expected me to run the other way, I knew what she expected. I sat there. We might fight like cats and dogs but she is my mother and I refuse to leave her. Then the light from the lighter flickered, now I wish I left.
26
I grabbed the blanket from the chair next to the couch. I wrapped her in the blanket, hoping the fire on her body would go out. My arm was covered in burns, I couldn’t look at it. All the fire around us, everything was burning, the couch, the ground, us. I put the fire out on our bodies and I carried her to the door. My arms were covered in blisters, when we reached the door the handle was hot. The handle was hot and the fire was spreading.
I closed my eyes, I prepared myself for grabbing the door knob. I prepared for the burning and how bad it would feel when I grabbed it. I took a deep breath and held my breath, hoping that holding my breath might mask the pain. I placed my hand on the knob and let my breath out as I groaned in pain. I opened the door and carried her out the door, I collapsed on the front lawn. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t catch my breath. My body ached and burned, I heard footsteps running towards me. Cassie crouched down and yelled,
“Logan!” I could barely hear her, her voice was fuzzy, my eyes couldn’t focus on her. My eyes got so heavy that I couldn’t keep them open. I couldn’t hear anything, I couldn’t feel anything. It was pitch black, I knew I wasn’t conscious. I knew it didn’t look good. I woke up in a hospital bed, my arms bandaged and my head stitched. I looked around and saw Cassie sitting beside the bed, Dylan next to her. She whispered, “Logan?” Just the tone of her voice I knew. I asked,
“She’s dead, isn’t she?” She closed her eyes as she nodded. I said, “that’s three people in less than six months, that’s gotta be some kinda record.” She touched my hand, I could barely feel it, it was still a little numb. I could feel Cassie staring at me. I added, “does this count as a date?” I smiled and she laughed. I needed to hear her laugh, I needed to hear something good. She answered,
“It depends, who’s paying the bill?” I laughed and answered,
“The government hopefully.” She shook her head and smiled. She said,
“It’s not a date then.” I shrugged and turned to Dylan. I asked,
“You okay, buddy?” He nodded. I could tell by the look in his eyes he was scared. I smiled and nudged my head towards the hospital bed. He climbed on the bed beside me. I held him in my arms, he was staring at the bandages on my forearms. I added, “they’re just little burns, it’s okay.” He nodded and fell asleep in my arms, this was the reason I was here. To protect him, to make sure he has a better life than I have. He deserved better, he deserved to feel loved and even though his parents are gone I’m still here and as long as I’m alive I’m going to love him.
I smiled at Cassie but her eyes were focused on my bandages. She asked,
“Why didn’t you walk out?” I answered,
“Because she’s my mom.” It was silent for a minute. I added, “was.” I took a deep breath, she was my mom. I should’ve left, I knew that but I couldn’t leave her. I didn’t leave her, but it seems that wasn’t enough. It seems like nothing’s enough, it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s just not enough. Cassie mumbled,
“I think I need to go home.” Her eyes were looking at the ground, her head hanging down. I asked,
“Why?” I knew the answer but I needed to hear her say it. She answered,
“Logan, danger follows you. I don’t wanna be caught in the crossfire.” She didn’t even look at me. I asked,
“So that’s it? You come all the way back here, say you wanna be with me and when I agree you just say you’re leaving?” She stood up and asked,
“Did you forget the part where you almost blew up?” I yelled,
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” She yelled,
“Everything!” The room went quiet. She added, “you always pick someone else, and you always will.” I shook my head and she added, “first it was Addison, then your mom. Logan, you were gonna die and just leave me and Dylan!” Our eyes met and the pain in her eyes was clear as day. She added, “I won’t be a second choice, I won’t be someone waiting for you to see if you're alive.” I yelled,
“You’re not a second choice. Damn Cassie, are you really that insecure?” She walked towards the bed and yelled,
“I am not insecure! I just don’t want a boyfriend who runs towards danger! You almost blew up Logan, like you could’ve actually blew up!” I shook my head, she added, “and you write love letters to your ex! I’m sorry if I’m not down for that!” I shook my head and yelled,
“You’re the one who told me to keep writing!” I added, “they’re not love letters!” She sat back in the chair and asked,
“Okay Logan, then what are they?” I looked down at the bandages at my arm. I answered,
“They’re memories.” She rolled her eyes. I took a deep breath and added, “Cassie, I didn’t break up with her. She died and I didn’t get the chance to let her go, we didn’t break up. The day she died we were together, we were happy. So forgive me if I can’t let her go because I didn’t expect to have to.” She shook her head and asked,
“Then why are we trying to be in a relationship?” I took a deep breath and answered,
“Because I’m not in love with her anymore, yeah I love her and I probably always will but I’m not in love with her.” She asked,
“Are you in love with me?” I closed my eyes, I couldn’t give her an answer. I wanted to scream, yes, of course I am! I knew that I couldn’t do that because I don’t think I am. I answered,
“I don’t know.” She nodded and she didn’t make eye contact again. I couldn’t tell her I loved her, I couldn’t because I don’t think I do and I don’t know if I ever can be in love with someone else.
27
The room was silent, Dylan was sleeping in my arms and Cassie was silently sitting in the chair. Cassie asked,
“Do you think you’ll ever be in love with me?” I tried to think but I knew I couldn’t lie to her. I answered,
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love with someone else.” She rolled her eyes and asked,
“But you're not in love with her?” With her, maybe I am still in love with her. Maybe I will always be in love with her. I answered,
“Maybe I am.” She nodded, I took a deep breath and the room fell silent again. She stood up and walked towards the door. I whispered, “wait.” She turned her head towards me slowly. She shook her head and reached for the door knob. I whispered, “please, just stop.” She turned around and yelled,
“Why? Because you’re scared of being alone? Logan, you don’t wanna love me. You just don’t wanna be alone!” I shook my head and said,
“That’s not true!” She asked,
“Then why haven’t you tried to be with me?” I shook my head and answered,
“It’s not that easy!” She turned to grab the door knob again and I added, “Maybe you’re right, maybe I don’t wanna be alone because I don’t wanna be the reason this kid has a screwed up life. Maybe I don’t wanna be alone because then it’s just me.” She turned around to face me, my eyes were glossed. She smiled and said,
“You’re gonna do good. You’re gonna give him a chance, a real chance. You just gotta trust yourself.” I shook my head, maybe she was right. She was right about the part of not wanting to be alone, but not about the part of not wanting to be with her. I want to be with her, but I can’t, I just can’t. She took a deep breath and asked, “did that kiss mean anything?” I looked down. I wanted to say yes, I wanted to tell her I was in love with her, I wanted to but I couldn’t. I answered,
“I once promised you that I would never lie to you.” I could see her expression change but the truth is, I was lying. I needed to make her hate me because it would be easier for her to let go. She shook her head and said,
“Look me in my eyes and tell me it didn’t mean anything.” Her eyes were filled with tears. I looked at her, it was quiet for a while but I said,
“The kiss in the car meant nothing.” I could feel her starting to cry. I added, “that kiss in the motel room, didn’t mean anything either.” She shook her head and whispered,
“Stop.” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“You wanted this Cassie! You wanted me to tell the truth well here it is, I don’t love you! Cassie, I don’t think I ever will!” She shook her head and yelled,
“Stop, Logan! Just stop!” She sat back in the chair and put her hands to her face. I needed her to hate me, hate me enough to leave because if I hurt her, if something happened to her I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I said,
“Cassie, I could never love you. Not the way you need me to.” She stared at me. Her face had disgust written all over it. Tears streamed down her face and said,
“Yeah, you made that loud and clear.” She walked to the door and before she left she added, “if you keep feeling guilty, it’s gonna eat you alive.” I nodded and watched her walk away again and once again it was my fault, but somehow I was okay with that. She deserved better even if that wasn’t me. I wanted what was best for her and I knew as long as she thought we had a future, the longer she would wait to be happy.
Now it was just him and I. Now, it’s time to get serious. It’s time to get a job, get a house, get a dog, maybe. I got up, my arms were still sore but I needed to get out of this hospital. I needed to get out of this place because as long as I sat here I thought of my mom. I thought of how we were both in that house but she’s the one who died, she was the one who was gone.
I signed the discharge papers, I couldn’t stay in this hospital anymore. I couldn’t be there anymore. I shook Dylan’s shoulder and smiled, he groaned. I carried him to the car and drove back to the house. The doctor’s said my burns weren’t that bad but my mom got too much smoke in her lungs. Some of that was most likely cigarettes but I had to believe she was in a better place. I had to believe it because that was the only thing that could keep me going. We drove back to the house, to see the damages. I got anxious driving back there, my chest got tight, my hands got sweaty. I couldn’t catch my breath, I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I pulled over and tried to catch my breath. Dylan woke up when I pulled the car over. I stepped outside of the car.
I don’t think going back to the house was the reason. I think the reason was because I lied. I lied. I’m in love with her, I love her. I love her in a way I could never love Addison, I love her because she’s not Addison. I love her because she’s Cassie. I love Cassie. I want Cassie. I want to be with Cassie. What if it was too late? What if I lost her for good? What if she never wants to see me again? I didn’t care, I needed her. I don’t want her to hate me, I want her to know that I love her. I want her to know that she is nothing like Addison, she is Cassie and I love Cassie.
28
I got back in the car and took a deep breath. Dylan asked,
“What’s wrong?” I shook my head, how was I supposed to tell a five year old I was in love with a girl that I just told I would never love her? I turned on the car and turned around, I knew where I was going, I knew where I needed to go. I knew what I needed to do, I knew where she’d be. I drove to the only bus station in town. At this moment I thank god we were in a small town. I sped all the way there, Dylan’s face had fear but excitement written all over it. When we got to the bus station where she was, she sat on the bench. She waited for the bus, I opened the door and I debated on not going up to her. I debated on watching as the bus came and picked her up. For a slight second I wondered what our lives would be like if we'd never met. What it would be like if Addison was still here, what it would be like if I never left.
I wondered how our lives would play out if she was just a bartender and if I was just a kid wanting a drink. If I was just a kid without everything else, if I was just a kid she wouldn’t have served me and I wouldn’t have gotten drunk. She wouldn’t have had to drive me home. We wouldn’t have spent time together. We wouldn’t have been in this situation. I opened the door and I stepped outside, I walked to the bench and grabbed her hand. She asked,
“What are you doing here?” I pulled her up by her hand and whispered,
“Shut up.” I pulled her by her waist closer to me. My lip brushed against hers. She pulled away and asked,
“What are you doing?” I smiled and answered,
“I want you, Cassie. I wanna be with you. Through sickness and in health, and all that bullshit. I wanna be with you.” She shook her head and before she could say anything I added, “I lied, I am in love with you. I’m in love with you because you’re Cassie. I’m in love with you because you’re not Addison.” She shook her head again and I added, “I have a habit of self sabotaging things and I have to work on that but Cassie, this might be the realest thing I ever felt. This right here, in this moment is the realest thing I’ve ever had. I know that I hurt you and I wanna make that up to you everyday for the rest of my life. I wanna be the person you wake up to everyday and I wanna tell you how beautiful you are.” She smiled and everything fell into place. She interrupted,
“Shut up.” She cupped my face and her lips brushed up against mine. I looked back at the car and saw Dylan staring out the window. I smiled and asked,
“Me, you, and Dylan?” She smiled and answered,
“Forever.”
Epilogue
Two years later…
A pillow hits my face as I’m sleeping. She smiled as I opened my eyes. I groaned, she sat on top of me with a huge smile on her face. I asked,
“What?” She pulls something from behind her back. She flips it around and my eyes focus on the two lines. I took the stick and smiled, the lines were faint. I asked, “seriously?” She smiled and nodded. My hands covered my face. I couldn’t help but smile. I asked, “I’m gonna be a dad?” She nodded, tears filled her eyes. I grabbed her by her waist and pulled her towards me. My lips brushed against hers. I hear footsteps coming from the hallway. A voice asked,
“Did you tell him yet?” I looked at Dylan then back at Cassie. I asked,
“You told him before me?” She smiled and answered,
“I was so excited, he was in the next room. I had to say something!” I smiled and asked,
“Were gonna be parents?” She smiled and nodded. At that moment nothing else mattered, no one else mattered. Only the four of us, it was just the four of us. I smiled, it was hard not to smile. Dylan crawled into bed next to us. Cassie wrapped her arms around him. She asked,
“Are you ready to be an uncle?” He looked up at Cassie and nodded. Everything was perfect, better than perfect. For a while I never thought I would get this. I never thought I would be in a house that I pay for and with a family that I made. I never thought I would have this, a girlfriend, a kid, a family. I asked,
“Marry me?” She smiled and asked,
“What?” I smiled and answered,
“Marry me. Let’s get married.” She smiled and nodded. She covered her mouth and whispered,
“Of course I’ll marry you!” This time she kissed me. Our whole relationship has waited for this, I’ve waited for this moment my whole life and it was worth it. It was worth every second of pain because now I get a lifetime of happiness. I couldn’t have done this without all the pain, you need the pain to keep living. You have to remember people when they're gone. I had to remember Addison while she was gone, I had to remember her to grow.
We sat in the bed for a while, we stayed there trying to wrap our heads around becoming parents. This may be the end of this story but it’s not the end of my story. It’s not the end for me but maybe just for you. We sat there and for the first time in a while I was happy. I was finally happy, finally at peace with the idea of falling in love again. I did that, I fell in love again. This time it’ll be different, this time it’s forever.
Remember Me When I'm Gone(McKayla)
Prologue
We walked to class, we were going to first period. Mrs. Peterson’s math class, everyone loved her class because she didn’t know how to control us. She let us do whatever we wanted because she was too intimidated to do her job. She was too nice and we all took advantage of that. Now I know we sound like little assholes but aren’t all teenagers?
Almost every student walked into the classroom with not a care in the world, we never cared because we knew how she taught and we knew how she graded too. She graded off of the work we did, most of us Googled the answers. Correction: we all googled the answers.
We sat in the front row, the first two desks to the left, like we did everyday, we sat next to each other. We didn’t have assigned seats but we all pretty much sat in the same seat every day. We sat in silence, staring at each other, we didn’t pay attention, we never did. We always passed notes and played around. We always had fun in her class because she was a young teacher who couldn’t control us, we knew that.
Mrs. Peterson was new, she was scared and didn’t have a backbone. She was a fun teacher, in reality she couldn’t control her students. In reality maybe she didn’t want to, if I was a teacher I would’ve given up in the first month.
1
The gun shots started at 9:56 a.m, I looked around the room and saw all the shocked and horrified faces. Their faces were something that I hoped no one else would ever have to see. At first we thought it was a joke but after the silence set in, we were horrified. Horrified of the silence, no. We were horrified by what was happening in the silence. I looked over at her and her face was blank and she was pale, she looked sick to her stomach. I didn’t know what to do, they have these drills but they never actually prepare you for the unimaginable, we used to think it was just time to waste out of the eight hour day, we never thought we would actually live through it. I whispered, “Addy, it’s okay.”
No one moved, no one moved a muscle, everyone was too scared to make any noise and honestly we all thought if we stayed silent we wouldn’t get caught because that’s what they teach us, be quiet, be silent. Mrs. Peterson was in shock, she locked the door but didn’t give any instructions, we were all too scared to listen anyway. We were all pretty terrified, they didn't really prepare the teachers either. It’s really just a fight or flight reflex but in this case the only option is to fight. Mrs. Peterson announced,
“Everyone in the back!” She stayed as quiet as she could but her voice shook as she spoke. I took Addison’s hand and we sat on the floor in the back of the room. Everybody tried to walk slowly but our legs felt like jelly as we walked across the classroom. She kept her hand in mine, I felt her hand shaking, I felt her body shake. I could almost hear her heart pounding, the silence felt eerie. I whispered,
“It’s okay, we’re gonna be okay.” She nodded, I was trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay, I tried to convince myself to believe that we were going to be okay. I had to make myself believe that, I had to believe it because I needed it to be true. I needed it to be true because this isn’t how I want to live, I want to travel. I want to have kids, I want a family, and I want to see something other than this classroom. A second round of gunshots went off at 10:01 a.m, we all jumped as they went off. Our souls practically leave our body every time the gun goes off. There were screams and running coming from the hallway. Addison covered her mouth as she sobbed, I held her in my arms but it didn’t help. She sobbed uncontrollably, she tried to be quiet but she wasn’t successful. It didn’t help the fear in her body, it didn’t help my fear either. I thought if I held her, I thought if I touched her it would all be okay.
She was shaking, the last time she heard a gunshot was when her brother killed himself in front of her. I knew that’s what she was thinking about, she was thinking about her brother’s lifeless body as it dropped to the floor. Trauma is funny like that, one thing that happened can haunt you forever and one thing could change your life forever. She was thinking about her nightmares, about how many times she’s woken up screaming. She was thinking about how the gunshot echoed after he shot himself. She was thinking about dying. Somehow I knew exactly what she was thinking about just by looking at her. I whispered,
“Baby, it’s okay. It’s gonna be over soon.” She shook her head but I knew she didn’t believe me and to be completely honest I didn’t believe me either. Her voice shakes as she asked,
“What if we don’t make it out?” I turned her head towards me. I made her look at me, I tried to make her feel safe. I tried to make her forget about her surroundings and focus on my voice. I wiped her tears and answered,
“We are gonna be okay.” She nodded and took a deep breath, she tried to calm herself but in this situation I don’t think any of us could be calm. Another round went off at 10:06 a.m, every time it went off it came closer, that’s what it felt like. It sounded closer each time, the sound echoed through the halls. The halls that were once the place where students would rush to their next class. The halls that now would forever be different. It doesn’t matter how many students packed into the halls, from now on they would always feel empty. I took a deep breath and looked beside me, everyone had their phones out, texting and calling, saying goodbye. They knew that this may be the last time they talked to their parents. The last time they talked to their best friend, or their last chance to tell the person they loved goodbye. Addison sat in front of me, I could feel her cold hands in mine, her hands felt like they were dunked in ice water. I squeezed her hand and whispered, “You’re okay.” She shook her head and she looked down. It was hard to tell someone they were going to be okay in this situation. Another round went off at 10:11 a.m, it was like a never ending cycle, it was like when your faucet drips, it never stops. Correction: it was in fact a never ending cycle.
Tears fell from everyone’s face, I took a deep breath and took out my phone. I called my mom, she deserved a goodbye, and quite honestly I started losing hope. I started to accept that we may never see our families again, I started to accept that we didn’t have any other option, we didn’t have a reality in this situation because we didn’t know the outcome. My hands were shaking as I dialed her number, I could barely see the number through my tears. She answered,
“Logan, what’s going on?” I assumed she saw the news. I answered,
“There’s a shooter in the school.” I closed my eyes as I said it out loud, saying out loud makes it seem real, well more real then sitting in this classroom. I asked, “can you put bubba on the phone?” I closed my eyes trying to collect myself before I talked to him, trying not to sound sad. I could hear her walking and I heard his breathing. I smiled because hearing his breathing and his soft voice made it somehow stop, just for a second. It made everything around me stop, it felt like nothing was wrong. It felt like it was just him and I. I said, “hey bud.” His soft voice said,
“Hi.” I smiled at the sound of his voice and I asked,
“You know I love you, right buddy?” My voice shook as I spoke. I didn’t want him to worry, I didn’t want him to be confused. I just wanted him to know that I loved him. He answered,
“Yeah, I love you too.” I smiled and whispered,
“You be good for mommy, okay?” All I could hear on the other end was breathing. I added, “can you give the phone back to mommy?” I could hear him walking through the house. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could say anything my mom announced,
“Don’t, don’t say goodbye to me. You’re not dying!” I was starting to think differently. I took a deep breath and said,
“I love you mom.” Before she could say anything else I hung up the phone, I took a deep breath as tears streamed down my face. I needed her to know that I loved her, it wasn’t necessarily a goodbye, it was an insurance policy just in case something goes wrong. Addison turned around and wiped my tears, she plastered a fake smile on her face and whispered,
“Like you said, we’re gonna be fine.” I wondered what changed her mind, what made her feel like she was going to be okay? It seemed that we changed mindsets, it felt like she was the one trying to comfort me now. I kissed her on the forehead and whispered,
“I love you.” She smiled at me and whispered,
“Always.”Another round went off at 10:26 a.m, they were getting slower, over ten minutes apart. We hoped that by slowing down they would stop. The door knob turned, it wasn’t locked. The teacher didn’t lock it, I mean maybe she thought she did but she didn’t. In that moment it felt like everything crashed and burned more than it already has. It felt like everything I’ve ever known had been useless up to this point.
Rule number one, always lock the door. Rule number one failed. The shooter came into the room, his gun pointed at all of us. The fear in my face turned into rage and betrayal. It was no longer fear, why should I fear a familiar face? We knew who he was, Addison knew who he was. I looked at the shooter then down at Addison, the shooter and her locked eyes. Their eyes were drawn to each other, maybe because their eyes were so similar. She asked,
“What are you doing?” We knew what he was doing, we just didn’t know why. He answered,
“I didn’t wanna kill those people Addy, I didn’t wanna hurt anyone. You have to believe me!” She stood up, I grabbed her hand and shook my head but of course she continued. She continued because she knew he wouldn’t hurt her, or at least she thought he wouldn’t hurt her. She raised her hands and said,
“I believe you, let’s just get outta here, okay? We can go home and give dad his gun back, everything is gonna be okay.” She stepped closer, Addison reached for the gun but he yelled,
“No! I can’t go back, he’ll kill me!” Her father, his father, their father. She looked at him, his eyes were almost completely blank, emotionless. She shook her head and said,
“You know I won’t let him do that!” He put the gun to his head, Addison walked closer and shook her head. He kept hitting the gun on his head, tears were streaming down his face. He seemed almost helpless and hurt. He closed his eyes and blinked away the tears and whispered,
“This is the only way out.” He mumbled, “I'm sorry Addy.” He took a deep breath and put his hand on the trigger, I stood up behind Addison. She walked closer and put her hand on his shoulder. She didn’t seem scared, she didn’t seem to fear him. All she saw was her brother, all she saw was the boy that she grew up with. She whispered,
“You know this isn’t the way out!” I could see the flicker of reasoning in his eyes, I could see that little spark of humanity in his eyes. He lowered the gun and sat it on the ground, he didn’t back away from it he stood almost on top of it. I walked towards the gun and tried to grab it but he picked it up again and yelled,
“You’re trying to kill me! You’re trying to take my gun!” I backed away as he picked it up but Addison said in her position. Addison announced,
“No, we just want to get you help!” He shook his head, he needed help but he was too blind to realize that he was sick. He might not have been sick physically but his mind wasn’t in the right space. He yelled,
“I see right through you! You and your boyfriend are trying to kill me! You're my sister and you’re trying to kill me!” He believed whatever he could come up with in the moment to make him feel less guilty. Addison shook her head and took a couple steps forward, he raised the gun to her head and asked, “How could you? My own sister!”She didn’t seem scared of the gun. She kept looking in his eyes, she was looking for something inside of him, looking for her brother. She took a deep breath and said,
“Luke, no one is trying to kill you! We’re trying to help you!” She kept looking in his eyes but eventually she stopped looking. He shook his head and yelled,
“Shut up! You don’t wanna help me, you’ve always been a self centered bitch! You never wanted to help me!” I could see the hurt in her eyes, I could see how deep his words cut her. Addison closed her eyes and asked,
“Do you really believe that?” He grabbed her by her hair and pulled her towards him. She groaned as her hair was being pulled. He yelled,
“You’re a self centered bitch!” I looked away, the things he said hurt the most, the words he said cut me because I know Addison and she was one of the most selfless people I know. Unfortunately at 10:34 a.m, another gunshot.
2
Addison and Luke fall to the ground, we’re all in shock. At first it didn’t seem real, we all stayed still. Luke leaves the room and Addison lays there, I knew there was only one gunshot but I wished there was two. I wished he didn’t get to walk away. There was blood everywhere, just in those few seconds there was already a puddle of blood surrounding her. She held her stomach, her hand covered in blood, the blood dripping onto the floor. I ran over to her and put my hand on her stomach. I pressed down but I lifted my hand and cupped her face. At first I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to. Believing it and seeing it were two different things. I didn’t want to believe it because believing it makes it real. I whispered,
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” She cups my face and she smiles, I couldn’t understand how she was still smiling. She took a deep breath and said,
“I’m okay.” I pressed down and she winced at the pain, seeing her in pain made me sick to my stomach. I took a deep breath and I took my shirt off, I pressed it against the bleeding hoping it would stop and hopefully she would be okay. She whispered,
“Logan, stop.” I shake my head, I couldn’t stop, I wouldn’t let myself stop saving her. I needed to save her. I yelled,
“No, you don’t get to do that! You don’t get to die on me! Not now, not ever!” Tears were streaming down my face, the tears were making it hard to see. She touches my hand and whispered,
“Logan, there’s nothing you can do.” I shook my head and continued pressing down. Apply pressure, stop the bleeding, that’s what everyone does on the TV shows. You have to stop the bleeding, I looked down and there was so much blood, I couldn’t see anything. We were both covered in blood. My jeans were stained, the floor was stained. Everyone sat in tears, everyone sat in the back of the classroom and did nothing. They were paralyzed with fear. She cupped my face and said, “baby, there’s nothing you can do.” I could see the look of defeat in her eyes, I could see she’s given up. I yelled,
“No, you’re not dying!” I looked at her as she cupped my face, she smiled. She tried to make it easier, she tried to make me feel better but I just wanted her. I will always only want her.I only wanted her to be the one that opens my college letters to tell me if I got accepted. I only wanted her to cuddle. I didn’t want anyone else besides her. She whispered,
“You’ll be okay my love, everything’s gonna be okay.” She started breathing slower. Her eyes closed for a little longer each time she blinked. I closed my eyes to blink away the tears. I whispered,
“Please don’t leave me.” Her eyes glossed with tears, I could hear her struggling to breathe. I could feel her grip on my hand start to loosen. She whispered,
“You have to let me go, you have to.” I closed my eyes and took my hands off of the wound. I looked down at my hand, the blood dripping from them, I was shaking, my stomach was turning. I took her hand and said,
“I can’t save us.” She nodded and whispered,
“I know.” I shook my head and whispered,
“You go, okay?” I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears. I stroked her head and whispered, “I’m gonna be okay, just go. Go be with your brother.” I moved the hair from her face and kissed her forehead. She had to know that it was okay, she needed to find peace and I knew that, but what about me? She is my peace and now she’s gone. Her voice broke as she tried to whisper,
“I love you.” I took a deep breath and cupped her hands. I kissed her hand and mumbled,
“I know, I love you too.” She closed her eyes and just like that she was gone, in the blink of an eye my world came crashing down and I didn’t see it coming, none of us saw it coming. I sat beside her body with my hand in hers. A girl in the back said,
“We’re gonna die.” I took a deep breath and I closed my eyes. I tried to focus, focus on getting out and focus on surviving but all I could think of was her body falling to the floor. The door opened again. I kept my eyes closed, waiting for another gunshot, waiting for the bullet to pierce my skin. I waited for it to all end but a voice said,
“This floor’s clear, we’re here to evacuate.” Everyone ran out of the classroom, but I stayed. I couldn’t leave her, not like this. I didn’t want to leave her at all, I couldn’t imagine just leaving her here. The guy sat next to me and asked,
“Did you know her?” I opened my eyes and tears fell from my face. I wouldn’t be sitting here right now if she didn’t mean the world to me. No, she didn’t mean the world to me, she was my world. I answered,
“She was the love of my life.” He nodded, but he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand just how much she meant to me. He took a deep breath and said,
“We gotta get you outta here.” The guy grabbed my arm and said, “I am very sorry about your girlfriend but I have a job to do.” He pulled me up and dragged me out of the classroom. I couldn’t even fight him, I could barely move.
When the sun hit my face I knew it was over but she wasn’t by my side, she wasn’t here. I knew it was over but a part of me wished it never ended, I wished I was still holding her. I wished that I had saved her. I walked over to the ambulance, the driver looked me up and down, judging by the blood on my clothes he had to make sure I was okay. The truth is, I don’t think any of us are okay. He continued to look me up and down and asked,
“Are you hurt?” I shook my head, I couldn’t form any words. The paramedic asked, “who’s blood is that?” Before I could answer, before I could even think of an answer I heard a voice,
“Logan?” I turned around and saw my mom. She ran to me and hugged me, for a minute everything felt better. For a minute I was a little kid with not a care in the world, for a second I was happy and innocent. I sobbed in her arms, just the thought of Addison made me feel sick. Now the person I loved was just a stomach twisting memory. I whispered,
“She’s gone mom, she’s gone.” She pulled away and looked at me. At first she was confused but I saw it on her face as she pieced it together. It was like I saw a light bulb turn on. I saw it in her eyes that she knew, she saw the blood all over my pants. She asked,
“Addy?” I shook my head and she pulled me close, just hearing someone saying her name made my stomach turn. I sobbed on her shoulder. For the first time it felt real, it finally started to click. She wasn’t here, she was gone. She whispered, “I am so sorry.” I whispered,
“I told her everything was gonna be okay! I told her she was gonna be okay!” I told her that we were going to be okay and maybe it was a lie but I hoped it was true. She cupped my face and said,
“This is not your fault.” I nodded, but it was my fault. I shouldn’t have let her stand up, I should’ve tried to keep her alive. I shouldn’t have let her go, I should’ve tried harder. I look around and I see Luke handcuffed, I run towards him and yelled,
“You killed your sister! You killed her!” I couldn’t help but yell, it was like everything was built up and I couldn’t release it any other way. It was like my mouth had a mind of its own. My mom grabbed me and whispered,
“Logan, stop! He’s not worth it!” For a second it took everything I had not to run towards him and start punching him. Punching him until all I could see was red, even then I wouldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop until his chest stopped moving, until his heart stopped beating. I mumbled,
“He killed her, he took her from me!” I dropped to my knees, I couldn't feel anything. I felt numb, I felt nothing so I yelled, “he killed her! He’s the reason she’s not here!” She sat beside me, she grabbed my hand and said,
“I know, she wouldn’t want this. I know Addison, she wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself. She wouldn’t want you to do something you can’t take back.” I shake my head and sit there. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t feel my legs. I still felt numb, I couldn’t even get up, I could barely lift my hands to wipe the tears that fell from my cheeks.
Every time I close my eyes, even if it’s to blink, all I see is her body on the floor and her laying in a pool of her own blood. I look down at my hands, stained with her blood. The blood seemed to stick to my skin and stain it a faint red color. I asked,
“Don’t we have to talk to someone? Don’t we have to tell someone?” She shook her head. I added, “so I’m just supposed to act like she’s not dead? Just pretend everything’s okay?” She shook her head and answered,
“I don’t want you to pretend! I want you to grieve, and no not today, tomorrow you have to go down to the station to make a statement about what happened.” I nodded, it seemed the more I argued the less effective it was. We walked to the car, it was hard to walk. I didn’t know if it was my legs or my mind that made it hard, it felt like both. It felt like my body was slowly shutting down. As we drove I looked out the window, Addison loved the trees. She loved the colors and the calmness of sitting under a tree with a book. That’s one of the things I loved about her, it didn’t matter where we were she would always look for the beauty inside. Like the beauty in a dark storm would be the purple heat lighting, that’s how she thought.
I picture her under a tree reading a book, reading Romeo and Juilet, she loved Shakespear. She admired how he wasn’t afraid to write something with a tragic ending. She loved how he wrote so beautifully, she loved to talk about books and I loved to listen. I loved to listen to her go on and on about something I’ve never even known about. I’ve never read Shakespear but somehow when she explained it, it felt like I had.
I loved to listen while she rambled about the different books she read. Or how many times she read a book or how she would say, the world is a scary place but the imagination is even scarier. She seemed to understand everything she read on a deeper level. She loved reading because it took her away from everything. It took her somewhere that she could be herself, it let her escape the judgment of people who knew her.
I could imagine her in the car right now with a book she'd be reading but every time she read something cool she would tell me. It was as if I could picture her in the backseat with a book in her face. She was so excited to share what she read because she knew I would listen. I always listened, I loved hearing her voice. I loved how the words seemed to just flow out of her mouth.
When we pulled up at the house, my mom got out. I stayed in the car. I didn’t want to go inside and be slammed with questions. I didn’t want to go in because the second I did was the second she would disappear from the backseat. She wouldn’t be there anymore, not that she ever was but it was like I could feel her in the backseat. I was afraid that if I got out of the car I wouldn’t feel her anymore and I couldn’t handle it right now. I needed to be alone and I needed it to be quiet, the only voice I wanted to hear was hers.
3
I walked into the house, my pants stained with blood as were my hands. My mom and dad were talking, talking about Addison. They talked but somehow I couldn’t hear what they were saying. It was like my mind blocked out their voices, their lips were moving but I couldn’t hear them. I went to the bathroom to take a shower. My head was pounding, my body felt weak, I felt weak but maybe I was. I tried to scrub the blood off my hands but it wouldn’t come off, I didn’t expect the blood to come off because like people say, the blood is on my hands. I am to blame, therefore the blood on my hands.
The thought of her blood on my hands makes me sick, all I can see is her body on the floor and how I left her. How I let her go and how I gave up. Even though that is what she asked me to do I never should have. I never should have let her go, maybe there was a chance. Maybe she would still be here and maybe, just maybe I would feel a lot less guilty.
When I got out of the shower I went downstairs. I knew that being in my room wouldn’t help anything. I sat on the couch and stared at the wall. I didn’t want anyone to acknowledge me and I didn’t want to acknowledge me. I was just thinking, how could he do that? How could he do that to his own sister? How could one kill someone and not feel guilty? Why do I feel this much guilt and he feels none? My mom sat next to me and we sat in silence. The silence felt unbreakable. I couldn’t find the courage to break but I also couldn’t just sit there. I looked at her and I looked away, hoping she would start a conversation. Hoping that the silence would break and finally she said,
“None of this is your fault.” I silently shrugged. How could this not be my fault? I am the one who let her die. I am the one who did not jump in front of her. I am the one who allowed her to stand up and talk to him. I asked,
“Does her family know?” She shrugged. That was the one thing I hoped she knew. I hope her parents know, I hope that her parents feel how I feel right now. I hope they feel the pain they deserve, they deserve the pain because her pain was at the hands of them. Her parents treated her like garbage, they didn’t care about her. They abused her most of her childhood and only acted like they gave a shit about her when they were in public. I mumbled, “not like they would care.” My mom looked down and thought about what she wanted to say. From the moment I entered this house everyone has looked at me like I was a fragile child. They seemed to look at me like I could break any second and maybe, just maybe they were right. She finally said,
“I think they care that their daughter’s dead.” I shook my head, she didn’t know her family. She didn’t know how she grew up, no one did, except me. I looked down and mumbled,
“They didn’t give a shit about her.” She nodded, I could tell she didn’t believe me and I didn’t blame her. Who would believe that Addison, the perfect daughter, was abused? Who would believe that the perfect family wasn’t so perfect? I added, “you know most nights she would call me crying, she was so afraid of her father. She was so afraid he would lose his temper, so afraid of what he was capable of.” I shook my head and asked, “why do people hurt the ones they’re supposed to love the most?” She shrugged and answered,
“Sometimes people do horrible things and sometimes there’s a breaking point that no one knows about.” I take a deep breath and said,
“I’m gonna talk to her dad. I think I need to talk to him to understand.” My mom asked,
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” I shrugged, I didn’t know what to expect from him. I didn’t know his breaking point. I didn’t know how he would react to my questions or my opinions. I answered,
“Maybe not but I think I deserve to know why her brother did this.” She nodded and got up, I didn’t know if I really wanted to go. A part of me wanted to but they treated her like garbage. Why should I talk to them when she would cry about them? Her father was abusive, her mother was always belittling her. It seemed that they didn’t even realize how much of a good person she was.
I walked to her house, being on her street seemed different now. Being near her house felt different, not walking her home felt different. I would only be on her street to pick her up or walk her home and now there’s no reason to be here. No reason to take writing 101, the only reason I took that was for her. No reason to read Shakesper because I have no one to talk about it with anymore, there’s no reason to write letters because no one will ever read them.
The world just felt less bright without her, I didn’t have someone reminding me about how extraordinary I was or how proud they were of me when I aced a math test because she knew I struggled with it. I didn’t have someone to wake me up when I slept through my alarm, I didn’t have someone to walk me to class and tell me to have a great day. I didn’t have someone to automatically know I was upset without even saying anything. I didn’t have my bestfriend, I didn’t have the girl I loved or the girl who made me believe in myself. She was just gone, a part of me was gone, the best part of me.
I knocked on the door, I took a deep breath. I could feel the knots in my stomach as I waited for someone to answer the door. Her sister answered the door, her eyes were red and irritated. It was weird to see her sister like this, Addison and her sister were so different, they weren’t close but it didn’t mean she didn’t love her. It just never occurred to me this is how she would react. She asked,
“What are you doing here?” I couldn’t tell if that was a rhetorical question. She seemed to actually wonder why I was standing in front of her. I answered,
“I just wanna talk to your dad.” She shook her head, I could see her emotion shift, from sad to scared or nervous. She stood there looking at me for a second, our eyes were blank. She took a deep breath and said,
“It’s not a good time.” I hear yelling coming from inside, arguing. I could see the worry on her face or maybe it was just fear. She opens the door wider and I walk in, I see her mother sitting on the couch. I asked,
“Can we talk?” She smiled at me, and for a second it feels like Addison’s in the next room getting ready and I’m waiting for her. She scoots over and pats the couch softly. She asked,
“Were you with her?” I nodded, she closed her eyes to hold back her tears and asked, “was she in pain?” I nod softly. No parent wants to hear that their daughters' last moments were in pain. Her hand reached her mouth, she sobbed quietly. Her father comes into the room and yelled,
“Why is he here?” He paused for a second then added, “She’s not here anymore, get over it!” I couldn’t understand how a father, someone who was supposed to love her, could move on so easily. Her mom yelled,
“She was your daughter! Don’t talk about her like that!” I could hear her voice breaking as she yelled. He went back into the kitchen, he just walked away and her mom added, “I'm sorry, as you know Addison and her father never had a good relationship.” I nodded, she added, “I’m sorry that you had to be there when it happened.” She took a deep breath and added, “We are assessing this situation to the best of our ability. Some people may have not known but when Luke was younger he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We believe this was an action of a manic episode.” It was like she flipped a switch from mother of the victim to lawyer of the assailant. I asked,
“So because he had a manic episode it makes it okay? Your daughter died and your son killed her but it’s okay because he was off his meds, right?” She shook her head and announced,
“Our life is more complicated than that. You should know, our daughter had problems of her own and so does our son.” I nod and mumbled,
“You didn’t know her, not like I did. You didn’t know her, you knew who she was around you but she was different. She’s not the same person as you think she was.” I got off the couch and walked outside. Why don’t they care? Why are they protecting him? What makes his life more meaningful than hers was? I walked home and it felt different without her by my side.
I was scared of forgetting her, I was scared that the longer that she was gone, the easier her memory would fade. I thought that as time went on I would slowly forget her eye color, or her hair color, or her smile, or just her. I couldn’t imagine a world without her and if it was just her memory, I couldn’t imagine not knowing her.
When I got home my mom was waiting on the couch for me. Her legs were crossed and her eyes watched the door as I shut it behind me. I asked,
“What’s going on?” She stared at the door, making sure it was closed. She answered,
“The police station called and they need you to come down for questioning as soon as possible.”I couldn’t help but wonder why. They have everything they need, Luke literally had the gun in his hand and took multiple lives. I asked,
“Why do they need me? Are they arresting Luke?” She stood up and said,
“I don’t know, they just said they needed you for questioning.” I nodded and as we walked to the car I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. Something wasn’t right, something’s happening. Something’s wrong, no one’s talking about the murder, no one’s being arrested. No one is being held responsible. Someone needs to be responsible, someone, anyone.
4
When I walk into the police station my heart is in my stomach. I see Luke sitting in a chair talking to a police officer. He’s handcuffed to the chair and rambling. We go to the front desk and give them my name.
I sit down and wait for them to call me, I’m waiting to hear my name but my mind is blank. There’s nothing to think about, nothing peaceful at least. The only thing on my mind is seeing Addison’s body on the floor of the classroom, other than that there’s nothing. Every time I close my eyes, it’s just her and all the blood. I hear a deep voice announce,
“Logan Fields, follow me.” I stand up and walk towards the man, my mother trailing behind me. We sit in a room, the officer and I on opposite sides of the table. He asked,
“So you and the victim were dating?” A chill went up my spine as he said victim. I answered,
“There were a lot of victims that day but Addison, yes.” He nodded and asked,
“Did you argue a lot? Fight over small things?” I answered,
“What does that have to do with anything?” The officer cleared his throat and answered,
“Just a question.” I answered,
“Every couple argues, we didn’t argue much but we did sometimes.” It didn’t make sense, why was he asking me? Why did it matter if we argued when Luke was the one holding the gun? He nodded and wrote it down in his notebook. He asked,
“What did you argue about? College? Going to different colleges? Separating?” I took a deep breath and asked,
“Again, how is this relevant?” He answered,
“We like to take a look at all the aspects of her life?” I answered,
“I guess we argued over college, we’re juniors and we had to really start thinking about it.” The officer nodded and asked,
“Did it ever get heated? Ever physical?” I quickly answered,
“Never. When it got heated we stepped away and cooled down for a little.” He nodded and announced,
“A witness stated that you and the victim were arguing this morning in the parking lot. The witness stated that you grabbed her arm and she pushed you, does this sound right?” I tried to think back to this morning, I couldn’t remember anything before the shooting. I answered,
“No, we met at her locker this morning. Her brother drove her to school.” I close my eyes as I realize Luke drove her to school this morning. Luke was with her just before the shooting, Luke was the one she was arguing with. I added, “her brother drove her to school.” The officer asked,
“The shooter?” I nodded. I took a deep breath and the officer added, “so if the shooter was her brother, why would her older brother ever hurt her?” I shrugged and answered,
“There is no if, they didn’t have the best relationship, Addison and her family were never close. She was always arguing with her family.” The officer nodded and asked,
“What would they argue about?” I answered,
“She never told me, she would be so upset that she didn’t wanna talk about it.” The officer nodded again and it began to feel like it was just a game of truths. It felt like it wasn’t an actual conversation, just questions. He cleared his throat and asked,
“Can you tell me the actions between the shooter and victim before the shots were fired?” I nodded and answered,
“He seemed angry but upset at the same time. He kept saying that we were trying to kill him, that Addison was trying to kill him. He called her a self centered bitch, he turned the gun on himself and said he was sorry, he turned the gun on her and shot her. Then he ran, like nothing happened.” The officer nodded and asked,
“I understand this is hard for you but did Addison ever talk about taking her own life?” I look up from the ground and asked,
“What? No, never!” The officer nodded and put a piece of paper in front of me. He cleared his throat and said,
“We found a letter on her computer, a suicide note. She was saying goodbye to everyone, saying goodbye as if dying.” I shook my head and said,
“No, she wouldn’t! She didn’t, her brother shot her!” The officer stated,
“The witnesses stated that she was very quick to let go, she was very quick to give up.” I shook my head and yelled,
“She wouldn’t fucking kill herself! I know her, she wouldn’t do that! She watched her brother kill himself!” He got frustrated and slammed his hand down on the table as he yelled,
“Then why the hell did this seventeen year old, happy and healthy girl just give up? Why did she let go Logan?” I answered,
“I don’t fucking know!” I banged my hand on the table and yelled, “maybe because her father was an abusive piece of shit or maybe because her mother didn’t give a damn about her and made sure that she felt worthless everyday! She was fucking breaking and I was trying to put the god damn pieces back together!” The officer sat down and asked,
“How do you know her father was abusive?” I answered,
“She showed me the bruises, I wanted to get her outta there, we were gonna get her outta there! We were gonna leave, that’s what the note was, we were trying to get her out!” The officer sighed and nodded as he said,
“You’re free to go.” I stood up and asked,
“That’s it? We’re done?” The officer walked out of the room. My mother stood in front of me and asked,
“Are you okay?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again and I’m waiting for someone to realize and stop asking that!” She rubbed my back and whispered,
“You’ll be okay, it’ll just take a while.” I nodded, as I walked out of the room I heard yelling. Screaming almost, I look over and see Luke screaming. He’s yelling at the top of his lungs as if someone’s killing him. He yelled,
“I didn’t mean to kill her! I swear!” The police officer drags him away, I thought I was supposed to feel better, I thought it would make it better but it kind of just felt real. Him being dragged away made it feel real, it made it seem like she was really gone. It made reality set in.
As we sat in the car I could feel the tension. I could feel the fear of talking in the car. I could feel my mother's anger but it felt like she was disappointed. My mother asked,
“Were you really gonna run away?” I shrugged and answered,
“She didn’t wanna leave, she wanted to finish high school. I knew she couldn’t handle it, they were breaking her. In all honesty, I was ready to go. I was just waiting for her.” I kept my eyes out the window, I kept thinking about how our life would be different if we left. If we left she would have never been shot, she would still be here.
She would be in the back seat reading, smiling. I would look back and just admire her smile and watch as the sun reflected on her face.
5
When I walked in the door I could feel my father staring at me, I could feel the tension in the house. I could feel how they walked on eggshells around me. I could feel the soft approach and I knew that they didn’t know how to talk to me anymore. I sat on the couch and could feel my father staring at me. My mother sat next to me and they both stared at me. My mother announced,
“We need to talk.” I nodded and my father began,
“We’re worried about you, we’re worried that you might fall back into some old habits. We knew that Addison was the one who pulled you out of those habits, and we don’t wanna risk you falling back.” I nodded and I didn’t want to lie, that hurt but I understood where they were coming from. I took a deep breath and said,
“Addy was the one who pulled me out of the dark whole I created, I wouldn’t risk disappointing her.” My mother nodded and said,
“We know how much Addison meant to you, she meant something to all of us. We saw how happy she made you, we know that this won’t be easy. We understand.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“You don’t understand.” I rubbed my face and sighed. She touched my shoulder as she got up, I watched as my father’s attention went back to the tv. I walked up to my room and sat on the edge of my bed.
Addison always laid across the bed and let her feet hang off. She always had a book in her hand, she would always laugh about how fake some of the things were or laugh at how cringey some of the couples were.
She said that she read books and always imagined us as the main characters, always imagining us being on adventures. Always imagined us being one of the greens who were super smart and running from the government.
Or us being a part of dauntless together running from the government because we were actually Divergent. It was always us, together. It was always us against the world, us against everyone else.
It was always easy, she made everything easier. She made my life worth living, she didn’t know that. I wish I could’ve told her that she was the reason I was breathing. She was the reason I kept going, she was the reason why I got clean.
Freshman year of high school, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd, I started drinking, I started to dabble in drugs. Addison saved me, she helped me get clean and she was there through all my relapses. She never left my side and maybe I was just a charity case, but it never felt like that. Somehow she made it seem effortless, she made it seem like she was doing it for fun and not because she needed too.
I searched through the medicine cabinet for something to calm my nerves, something to make it easier, something to soften the blow. Something to make it easier, something to stop the memories from creeping into my mind, something to make it stop. To make everything just stop, just for a little while.
I found a bottle of pills they prescribed to me last June, after I got in a car accident. I read the label, oxycodone.
You know when we’re kids they tell us, don’t do drugs, don’t be stupid, but is making the pain go away so wrong? Is making the world stop spinning for a second so bad?
I took a three, and at first I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel good but I didn’t feel bad either, I didn’t feel anything. I felt tired but I was too scared to sleep. I was scared of seeing the blood again, I was scared of seeing her face as her eyes closed. Soon my eyes got too heavy, too heavy where I couldn’t even keep them open.
When I woke up I felt happier but I didn’t feel better, I didn’t feel how I wanted to. I didn’t feel less guilty and I knew it was because she was still gone, she was still dead it didn’t matter how many pills I took. She will always be gone and there was nothing I could do about it.
I woke up and sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I could hear my parents downstairs, arguing about me. Arguing about what they’re going to do, how to approach me. They didn’t even know how to talk to me anymore, they didn’t know what to say anymore. Not after today, but now everything’s different. I took a deep breath and turned my light on, sitting on my bed was Addison. I gasped and slid towards my head board. I yelled,
“What the hell?” She looked at me and asked,
“You relapsed?” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping this nightmare would be over when I opened my eyes. I opened one eye, she added, “still here.” I asked,
“What the hell is going on?” She stood up and answered,
“You relapsed and now I’m here. You’re hallucinating.” I shook my head and announced,
“This is just a dream, no not a dream, a goddamn nightmare!” She took a deep breath and asked,
“Why am I here Logan?” I yelled,
“I don’t fucking know!” She shook her head and stood up. She walked over to my closet and announced,
“I think that you blame yourself, I think you feel guilty and it’s eating you alive.” I sat in silence as I stared at her, I knew she wasn’t real but it felt better to see her, it felt better to hear her voice. She sat back on the bed and whispered, “you know I’m not really here.” I whispered,
“I can’t imagine a world without you.” I watched as she cupped my face, I couldn’t feel it because it wasn’t real but it felt real. I wanted it to be real. She whispered,
“I’m already gone baby, and it’s not your fault.” I closed my eyes, when I opened my eyes a tear fell down my cheek. I said,
“I’m sorry.” She smiled and said,
“Don’t be, we were too strong for this life. We’ll be together again, just not right now.” She cupped my face and disappeared and just like that she was gone, again. I walked out of the room and into the hallway, the house seemed empty, it was quiet and eerie. I started to feel lightheaded but I still felt okay, I still didn't feel better. I didn’t feel anything at all. I walked downstairs and saw my mother talking on the phone, yelling and almost screaming. My father sat on the couch watching tv, there was a basketball game playing.
I felt my ears start to ring, my face started to feel like it was burning. I could feel my eyes start to get heavy, I fell to the ground. I felt the impact as my head hit the ground.
My eyes closed slowly, my body shook. I could hear her voice, I could see her. She shook her head and I asked,
“What now?” She shrugged, I could see her, I touched her face but this time I could feel her. She pushed away, I whispered, “that’s not supposed to happen.” She took a deep breath and whispered,
“You have to wake up, they need you!” I shook my head and said,
“I need you, I love you!” She smiled and said,
“I love you too, but it’s not our time. You’re not done yet, you have to fall in love, you have to move on!” I shook my head and said,
“I did, I fell in love! I’m ready, I’m done!” She shook her head again and whispered,
“You always wanted kids, you are gonna be a great father! You need to live out your life!” I shook my head and mumbled,
“I don’t want kids if I can’t have them with you!” I moved the hair from her face, she grabbed my wrist and pushed me away. I asked, “why won’t you let us be happy?” She closed her eyes as tears fell down her face, she whispered,
“Wake up.” I gasped for air as I jolted up, my mother sitting beside me, she yelled,
“What happened?” I took a deep breath and answered,
“I tripped and hit my head.” I looked at my dad as he walked over to me, he stuck his hand out and asked,
“You okay?” I nodded, I walked over to the couch and sat down next to my brother. He was playing a game on his tablet, and my mom gave me a glass of water. My mom sat next to me and handed me an envelope, it had my name on it. I knew the handwriting, I knew who wrote it. My mother announced,
“Her sister found it when she was cleaning out her room.” I asked,
“They’re already cleaning out her room?” She shrugged and put the envelope on my lap. I took a deep breath and opened the envelope. The envelope had a letter and some pictures in it, pictures of us. I smiled as I skimmed through the pictures. There was one picture that stuck out, she was in a white dress, lace at the top but beautiful blue flowers on the bottom. It was last summer, we were at a lake and of course she had a book, and I remember she wouldn’t go in the water.
She wanted to read and she did, she was one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met. If she told you she was going to do something, without a doubt she was going to.
6
The letter was about the day at the lake, about what happened that day, about what she read or what we did together. I smiled as I read the letter, one sentence stuck out to me, he was a man written by a woman, a man who cared.
She never expected someone reading this, the way she wrote it was captivating. It was detailed and it was beautiful, it seemed natural. I put the letter back into the envelope. I asked,
“Who were you yelling at on the phone?” My mom turned around and shook her head as she answered,
“No one, I wasn’t on the phone.” I stood up and said,
“Yeah, you were. You were on the phone yelling right before I fell.” She shook her head again and said,
“I think you’re just confused, maybe you need to get some rest.” She smiled and added, “I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.” I walked to my room and shut the door, she was on the phone right before I collapsed, I could hear her yelling from my room. I went back to the bathroom, I needed to see her again. I needed to talk to her, I just needed her to be here again.
I went back into the medicine cabinet, and I opened the bottle. My mind tells me to put the bottle back, don’t fall back into this habit but I had to see her. I got to see her again when I took the pills. I put four in my hand, maybe the first time it wasn’t strong enough.
I took a deep breath and filled the paper cups on the sink with water, I put the pills in my mouth, then the water. I swallowed the pills and went back into my room, I laid on my bed and felt my eyes get heavy.
When I opened my eyes I saw her, she didn’t say anything. She sat on the bed and stared at me, I stared back at her. She mumbled,
“What the actual hell are you doing?” I shrugged and looked down. She yelled, “do you know how stupid this is? Just to see a hallucination of me?” He answered,
“Why am I seeing you?” She answered,
“Because you're so high that your mind shows you what you wanna see. Apparently deep down, you want me to talk you out of this.” I shifted in my bed. I asked,
“Why doesn’t your family care that you’re dead?” She looked down and asked,
“Why doesn’t your family realize you’re getting high?” I shrugged, it all seems worth it when she’s here. Getting high, taking drugs, all the long term effects can be harmful but it all feels worth it when I see her. She said, “Logan, you can’t keep doing this.” I nodded. I could see her shifting towards me. She added, “you need help, you need to talk to someone. This is only day one, who knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow. I need you to get help.” I asked,
“Why are you so against us?” She answered,
“Because I’m not real! I’m not Addison, I’m something your mind created for you to feel better! Addison is gone and I’m sorry but I’m not her!” I looked up at her, her nose piercing was on the left instead of the right.
She didn’t have blue eyes, they were brown. I realized that I was trying to make something out of nothing. I was trying to create Addison when she was already gone. I asked,
“Why won’t you go away?” She answered,
“Because you’re still thinking about her, you still wanna see her.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I tried to get Addison out of my mind but when I opened my eyes she was still there. I took a deep breath and announced,
“I think I’m always gonna think about her, I’m always gonna need her.” I could feel my eyes getting heavier, and eventually they closed, everything went black. Addison was always the one thing that kept me going, the person I knew had my back.
When I woke up I could feel my body shaking, I could feel my face burning. I took a deep breath and got out of bed. It was dark out, I walked out into the hallway but all the lights were off, everyone was in their rooms. I looked at my phone, 1:21 a.m, I opened instagram, there were hundreds of posts saying what a tragedy today was. How many precious lives were lost.
18 people were injured, 5 dead. Addison being one of the 5, I wished she was one of the 18, I wished she was still here but reality doesn’t always work in our favor. Life will still go on, everyone’s life will go on, but mine will never feel the same again.
Mine will never be the same and no one will realize because this will be marked as an accident but something they don’t understand is, her brother killed her. Why would a brother shoot and kill his own sister?
I opened Facebook, memorial posts to all the lives lost. I clicked on Addison’s mother’s page, nothing about Addison. Nothing, not one post, not one post about her. She shared an article about Luke, explaining why he shouldn’t go to jail, fighting for him after he murder her daughter.
I fell back asleep, it took a while for my mind to slow down. My mind was going a thousand miles a minute, all I kept seeing was Addison’s body on the ground. All the blood on my hands, how she started to close her eyes, how she gave up.
Yesterday just kept playing in my head, all the faces in the classroom, Luke, all the cries and screams. All the echoes from the gunshots, all the footsteps running to a classroom. I remembered something, I remembered when Luke walked into the classroom there was someone who walked in behind him.
Someone was staring over his shoulder, convincing him to shoot Addison, but I couldn’t remember who. I couldn’t remember his face, the only thing I remembered was there was someone else. There was someone else behind this, someone else is also responsible for Addison’s murder.
7
When I woke up, I could only think of the other person. The other person in the room, the other person responsible. It couldn’t just be a random person, right? What if Addison was just an unplanned hit? What if Addison’s death wasn’t planned?
You would think if you were shooting up a school there would be some type of plan, but what if there wasn’t? What if he was just in class and he snapped? Where did he get the gun? Where did the gun come from? His father? All these questions, why aren’t the cops asking these questions? Or are they?
I closed my eyes, trying to see the second guy, trying to think of who it was. Trying to remember something, anything. It was like my mind blocked out all the important details. It was like I didn’t actually see it happen, like a blur of colors. I took a deep breath and whispered,
“Adrian.” I ran down the stairs and found my mom sitting at the kitchen table. I yelled, “we have to go back to the police station!” She asked,
“Why? What’s wrong?” I answered,
“Luke wasn’t alone, I just remembered that he wasn’t working alone!” She shakes her head and said,
“I think you’re just a little foggy, I think you should go back upstairs and get some more sleep and if you still think he wasn’t alone, then we can go.” I shook my head and asked,
“Why? I know something that could be crucial to Addison’s case, why wait?” She answered,
“Logan, I think it’s for your own good. I think that you're just sleep deprived.” I asked,
“What are you not telling me?” She shook her and answered,
“Nothing.” I shook my head, I stood in the doorway of our kitchen, I walked closer towards the table. I asked,
“I know when you’re lying, what are you not telling me?” She looks up at me and answered,
“Luke isn’t being charged, he’s been sent to an institute for the mentally unstable.” My eyes darted to hers, I asked,
“Are you serious? No, they can’t do that! She is dead, he killed her! She is gone because of him and now he’s just being shipped off to the looney bin?” She looked down, I looked down at my feet and asked, “so that’s it? Her life doesn’t even matter?” I could almost see the wheels turning in her head. My eyes filled with tears, my mom asked,
“Do you think that telling the cops might help?” I shrugged, they wouldn’t believe me. There’s a bang on the door, I walked to the door and answered the door. The officer asked,
“Logan Fields?” I nod, he puts his hand on my shoulder and grabs my wrist, pinning my hand behind my back. He added, “Logan Fields, you’re under arrest for murdering Addison Montgomery. Anything you say or do can be used in the court of law.” I shake my head and announced,
“No, this is a mistake! I didn’t kill her, I would never hurt her!” He yelled,
“Do you understand?” His voice echoed through the house and I shook my head, I didn't understand. Why would they try to pin this on me? My mom sprints from the kitchen, she yelled,
“Where are you taking him? He didn’t do anything wrong!” I stay quiet as he drags me out of the house. He pushes me into the cop car and drives to the police station. There’s a knot in my stomach, my head is going a thousand miles a minute. The officer stays quiet, so do I. My body shakes as we get closer, I could feel myself sweating.
I didn’t do it, I’m not guilty. I want to yell at the top of my lungs but nothing comes out, only silence. When we got to the police station the officer grabbed my arm and dragged me inside. He sat me down in a room by myself, handcuffed to the table.
It felt like a lifetime before an officer came in, he sat in front of me. He put a file in front of me, the name on the file was Logan Fields, it was my file. The officer announced,
“It looks like you’ve been in trouble before.” I nodded, he flipped through the file. He added, “theft, possession of drug substances, breaking and entering. Should I go on?” I shrugged. He asked, “why was a freshman doing drugs?” I answered,
“Wrong crowd, I guess.” The officer asked,
“You guess?” I asked,
“Am I being charged for murder or is this a date? Are you trying to get to know me?” The officer answered,
“Maybe.” I leaned forward and whispered,
“One thing to know about me is that I’m not a murder.” I look around, the room is dark, it only has one light. It felt humid and stuffy. I looked back at the officer. He asked,
“How long were you and Addison in a relationship?” I answered,
“Almost three years.” The officer nodded and asked,
“You got together freshman year?” I nodded, we started dating halfway through freshman year. The officer asked, “did you ever fight?” I answered,
“I already went over this with the other officer.” He nodded and announced,
“Well, I need you to tell me. Did you ever fight?” I answered,
“Small fights, every relationship has its issues.” The officer asked,
“What were the fights about?” I rolled my eyes and answered,
“Sometimes about family, sometimes about school.” The officer asked,
“About family? What specifically about family?” I answered,
“How her family treated her, they treated her like shit.” The officer nodded and said,
“There were multiple witness statements saying that you and Addison Montgomery were fighting just a day before the shooting, is this true?” I nodded, the officer brought out another file, this time reading the paper inside. He stated,
“I saw Logan and Addison fighting, it seemed like Logan was really mad. He grabbed her arm when she walked away but she yelled at him. Care to explain?” I shrugged, what was I supposed to say? I grabbed her arm to try to explain but she yelled, that’s what happened. The officer asked, “why were you arguing?” I answered,
“College, I told her to go to whatever college she wanted to but she didn’t wanna be a part. She wanted to break up.” The officer nodded and asked,
“So you were angry? Maybe even upset at the fact that she wanted to break up?” I looked down, I knew if I answered he would try to pin this on me. I announced,
“There was another person, another guy with Luke.” He nodded and said,
“Okay, who?” I shrugged. The officer shook his head and added, “I know that your girlfriend died, I also know that you wouldn’t bring that up if you didn’t know who it was.” I answered,
“I think it was Adrian Maxwell.” The officer nodded and stood up, he walked around the table and asked,
“What was his motive?” I shrugged again, the officer added, “I mean there has to be a motive, why Addison? Why your girlfriend?” I looked up and asked,
“You think someone did this because of me?” He shrugged and answered,
“It’s a possibility, it could be because they woke up on the wrong side of the bed, no one knows why people do these things, but it’s my job to figure this out. I need to know everything, every secret, every lie.” I answered,
“He was Addison’s ex, they ended on bad terms.” He asked,
“By bad terms, you mean you?” I nodded. The officer lets out a frustrated sigh. I take a deep breath. He takes the handcuffs off and said, “It looks like we have murder to solve and you’re gonna help me. You seem to be the only person in this town who knows Addison. I need you to be Addison.” I nodded, now I wasn’t a suspect, I was a detective.
8
We sit in this room for hours, going over almost every detail of Addison’s life. I take a deep breath and asked,
“What’s your name?” The officer turns his head and asked,
“What?” I answered,
“If we’re gonna be spending all this time together, I need to know your name.” He rolled his eyes, it was like I asked him to marry me or something. He took a deep breath and said,
“Robert Johnson, FBI.” I nodded, he already knew my name. He knew my life, my file. He knew almost everything about me. He added, “so what happened between Adrian and Addison?” I laughed and answered,
“That’s a long story.” He shook his head and asked,
“How did it end?” I look down and mumbled,
“He caught Addison and I making out.” I could feel him walking towards me. He asked,
“So Addison cheated? With you?” I nodded and kept my eyes on my shoes. He shook his head and asked, “did he hold a grudge?” I answered,
“If we’re sitting here trying to pin him with murder, I think that’s a fair observation.” He nodded and gave me a card. He said,
“If you think of anything else, call me.” I got up and asked,
“That’s it? No arresting? You’re not even gonna bring him in?” Robert answered,
“These things take time.” I yelled,
“Screw time! You have murder and you’re not even gonna do anything!” He shook his head and said,
“It’s not like it’s unsolved, Luke Montgomery killed his sister, along with four other people. We solved it.” I asked,
“What about Adrian?” Robert shook his head and answered,
“There’s no evidence, it’ll be your word against his.” I asked,
“I’m just supposed to give up on her?” I realized that I was talking about her as if she’s still here. He shakes his head and answered,
“No, you didn’t give up on her.” My eyes filled with tears. I mumbled,
“It’s my fault.” He stands up and puts his hands on my shoulder. He said,
“Hey kid, it’s not your fault. People do terrible things everyday, she just happened to be in the crossfire. None of this is your fault, you tried to save her.” I asked,
“How do you know that?” How did he know that I tried to save her? He smiled and answered,
“I saw you, you tried. You’re a real hero, do you think every hero saves everyone?” I shook my head, he nodded and said, “exactly.” I nodded and took a deep breath, he asked, “you okay?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t know.” He patted me on the back and said,
“You’ll get there, eventually.” He walked out of the room and for a second it was silent, I enjoyed the silence a lot more now. It was peaceful and calming in some way. I walked out of the room and my mom was sitting on the chairs next to the room. She hugged me and asked,
“Are you okay?” I nodded and smiled, it was easier to lie to her. It was a lot easier to not have to answer questions. It was easier to deal with everything by myself instead of her down with me.
When we got home there was something taped to our door. A card, I opened the card and saw a picture of Addison. It was a memorial card, her funeral’s tomorrow, at a park. The park where we had our first kiss. I know that’s not the reason it’s at this park but I’d like to look at it that way.
We were sitting on swings, cliche I know but it was a mess. We couldn’t even look at each other without laughing. We couldn’t even keep a straight face long enough to have a conversation, we talked for hours and then it got less awkward.
I remember the first conversation we had, it was about her brother. How he would torment her and how he would make fun of her. She went on and on about how much she looked up to him, but three weeks later he was gone.
When he died it absolutely broke her, when she found him she was never the same. She wouldn’t eat, she wouldn’t sleep. She wouldn’t even talk, she was simply just there. She wasn’t her bubbly self for months but eventually she talked, she talked about him. We talked about him at that park, now she would be the one everyone talked about.
I fell asleep that night knowing I would have to watch my girlfriend getting buried. I would watch her be gone in the blink of an eye. I would put on my suit, the same suit I wore to homecoming, a black suit. We wore black to homecoming, she looked beautiful in her long black dress.
I take a deep breath as I look at myself in the mirror. I close my eyes and wonder how we got here. How did we end up here? What went wrong? We were happy, we were so happy but now, what’s there to be happy about? Should I be happy she’s in a better place? Maybe. Should I be happy she doesn’t feel pain anymore? Absolutely. What about me? What about my pain? Why is everyone so goddamn happy? They’re acting like nothing happened.
I walk down the stairs and I see my mother staring at the pictures on the wall. I stop at the bottom of the stairs and watch the house stand still. I watch as the silence grows stronger, I can feel everything starting to fade away.
My mom finally acknowledges me, turns her head and smiles. I try to smile but I can’t. It feels like I physically can’t smile, I’m too weak to smile. I grab my keys from the table, she grabs my hand and asked,
“Do you want me to come with you?” I shake my head and walk towards the door. As soon as I reach the door my mother calls, “Logan.” I turn to look at her. Hoping she comes to the door and tells me everything’s going to be okay. She added, “happy birthday.” I nodded, I forgot it was my birthday. I forgot that the world keeps moving even when you don’t, it keeps spinning.
At a young age I learned that the world will continue moving, it continues even if you don’t want it to. It doesn’t stop for you to catch your breath, it doesn’t stop for you to take a time out. It just doesn’t stop.
9
There were about twenty people at the park, some faces I recognized, others I didn’t. I took a deep breath and walked to the swing set. I sat there for a while. I watched as everyone stood up and said a few words, people who didn’t even know her. Her own family didn’t even know her, they pretended like they loved her until she screwed up, then they threw her to the curb like a piece of garbage.
I walked over to the open area the funeral was in, I stood there and watched as her father talked. I exclaimed,
“Bullshit!” Everyone turned around and I walked closer into the crowd. I yelled, “everyone in her family treated her like shit. Her sister was the only one who is a goddamn decent person! Her father used to beat the shit out of her and got away with it. Her mother’s a goddamn junkie, her brother killed himself and her other brother’s the one who fucking killed her!” Her mother grabbed my arm and mumbled,
That’s enough!” I pulled my arm away and yelled,
“Nobody wants to fucking admit that she was alone! The only person she had was me! You don’t get to stand up there and say all these fucking lies! You didn’t fucking know her! She was one of the best goddamn people I’ve ever met, she found a way to be happy even when her life was hell.” I could barely see through the tears streaming down my face. I added, “she is the best thing that ever happened to me.” I cleared my throat and mumbled, “was, she was.” Her mother took me in her arms and said,
“She loved you.” I broke down in her arms, I sobbed as she held me in her arms. I fell to my knees and so did she. We cried together, she may have treated Addison horribly but she was still her daughter, nothing could change that.
I could see everyone’s eyes filled with tears, everyone was crying but they didn’t know her. They didn’t know how happy she was, how full of life she was. They didn’t see her when the bullet hit her, they didn’t see how she fell to the ground, I did. I had to watch her bleed out in front of me. I had to watch her close her eyes, I had to listen to her telling me to let her go.
I stood up and walked over to the bench where I sat for what felt like hours. Her father sat next to me, we sat in silence for a while. At first it was annoying but it grew peaceful. He mumbled,
“You’re right.” I turned my head and I could see him staring at the playground. I looked down and mumbled,
“I wish I wasn’t.” He mumbled,
“She didn’t deserve this, no one deserves this. You’re right, I didn’t know her.” He stops, he closes his eyes and adds, “can you tell me about her?” I smiled, just the memory of her made me happy. I cleared my throat and answered,
“She was always reading, it didn’t matter where we were. She would always say, mens est scarier quam veritas.” He asked,
“What does it mean?” I smiled and answered,
“The mind is scarier than the truth, I think she read it in a book once. She lived by it, she started learning latin.” I smiled as I thought of her, I laughed and added, “she used to say phrases and I would be so lost, I wouldn’t know what she said and she smiled and taught me. That was the only phrase I really remembered.” He smiled but his smile faded the more he thought of her. He asked,
“Did she hate me?” I shook my head and smiled as I answered,
“She wasn’t capable of hate, she cared too much. She didn’t hate you, she hated how you made her feel, but you, no.” He nodded. He deserved to be hated but in the end Addison cared too much, the hate would have eaten her alive. He asked,
“Do you wanna come by the house? You can take a look at her room and take what you want before we take it to storage.” I nodded. It felt different actually having a conversation with him, I’ve always hated him for Addison and maybe a part of me still does.
I think a part of me will always hate him, there will always be a part of me that blames him for not teaching Luke right from wrong. Or maybe just for not being a good father.
I got in my car and drove to Addison’s house, being outside of her house made it all feel real and not seeing her on the porch made reality set in. It made everything seem real, it didn’t click until now, Addison wasn’t going to read her books to me anymore, she wouldn’t explain Latin to me.
She wouldn’t be here to pick me up when I was down, she wouldn’t be here to celebrate my birthday, she’ll miss everything.
As I walked to the porch I remembered all the late night talks on this porch. That time we broke the porch swing from swinging to high. Or the next day when I had to fix the porch swing. Or the time when she was so excited because her poem was published in the school newspaper. Or the time that she cried after her brother’s funeral.
I stood in front of her front door, a part of me was hoping she would come outside but I knew she wasn’t going to.
A part of me hoped this was all a bad dream but maybe life’s just one big bad dream. Maybe it doesn’t get better, or maybe it just takes a while.
I stood in the doorway of her room, her room looked the same as it did just before the shooting. It looks like she got up for school and made her bed, it looks like she got dressed and left for school but then she never came back.
10
I sat on the edge of her bed, as I looked around I tried to imagine her doing daily tasks. Doing her makeup, making her bed, or getting dressed. I could see it in my mind but as soon as I blinked, it was gone.
Her sister stood in the doorway, she looked around and our eyes locked. She said,
“She always had the bigger room.” A laugh crept out of her, I smiled. Her sister added, “the thing you did at the funeral, I think it was cool.” I mumbled,
“Cool?” I added, “it wasn’t cool, it was the truth.” She nodded, she opened Addison’s closet and pulled out a stuffed bear. She said,
“I think she would want you to have this.” I took the bear and mumbled,
“She kept it?” Her sister smiled and nodded, she walked out of the room but before leaving she answered,
“She loved you, of course she kept it.” I nodded and looked down, the bear was still missing an eye, his fur was rough, his color was darker. I remember when I got her this bear, when she broke her wrist. She was so upset because she couldn’t play volleyball, she needed something to cheer her up.
I brought the bear to my chest, I took a deep breath and laid back on the bed. I remembered when I laid on the bed and Addison read, I laid on her legs as she read. She ran her fingers through my hair, and talked about the book. We were happy and now there is no we. There’s only memories but what happens when those memories fade?
What happens when I get old and I just can’t remember? What happens when everyone we think we know, we don’t know anymore? I guess we just simply forget. What happens when one day I can’t remember her? What happens when she’s just gone?
I take a deep breath and sit up, her mother’s standing in the doorway. The silence feels heavy, it feels eerie. She walks towards the vanity and opens the drawer. She takes out a notebook and hands it to me. She announced,
“She was planning a surprise party for you. She never got to finish.” I look through the notebook, her handwriting is flawless. She writes in almost cursive, she writes with a pen mostly. She always writes the same, always the same cursive. I smiled but the more I thought about it my smile faded. I stood up and asked,
“Can I have this?” She smiled and nodded, it was Addison’s journal, she wrote in it almost everyday. I walked out of her room, I saw all these pictures on the wall. Pictures of a happy family, a family smiling and sitting together. The funny thing is that a picture only captures a second of someone’s life and can be altered to be anything. These pictures are taken seconds before a disaster, that disaster is called life. For a second they paused their life to take that picture, they stopped arguing and fighting long enough to take a picture, then their life continued.
I got in my car and drove home, when I walked through the door my mom yelled,
“Happy birthday!” There were people who I didn’t even recognize, my parent’s friends. I smiled and my mom hugged me, I take a deep breath and whispered,
“Why did you do this?” She answered,
“You’re in a funk, you need to get out of it.” I stepped back and asked,
“So you think that a party is gonna make me get over it? Or should I just get over it like it never happened? Like she’s not dead?” My mom shook her head and answered,
“No, I just want you to be better.” I yelled,
“Well I’m not better! I will never be better, and I’m waiting for someone to figure that out!” Everyone stared at us, I turned to the crowd of people. Looking at their faces, seeing the pity written all over their faces. I yelled,
“Today I went to my girlfriend’s funeral! Today is my birthday and it’s marked as the day I watched them bury my girlfriend! I’m sorry that I’m not in the mood to party!” I went up to my room, I couldn’t sit down there and watch as everyone laughed and talked. My mom came into my room, she sat on the edge of the bed. She sat in silence, I added, “what? You want me to apologize?” She shook her head and answered,
“No, I want you to talk to me.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“There’s nothing to talk about.” She said,
“We never talked about it, we never sat down and talked about what happened.” She took a deep breath and added, “tell me what happened.” I asked,
“Do you know what it feels like to watch someone bleed out in front of you? She begged me to let her go and maybe, just maybe if I fought for her she would still be here.” She rubbed my arm and mumbled,
“It’s not your fault!” I exclaimed,
“Everyone keeps saying that but it is! I let her give up, I let her go! I gave up on her!” She shook her head and said,
“You didn’t give up on her, she didn’t want you to see her in pain. She didn’t want you to blame yourself when you couldn’t save her. She needed you to let her go, she needed to let you go.” I took a deep breath and sobbed,
“A part of me hates her, a part of me wishes that it was me, I wish it was me! I hate her for what she did!” She touched my arm and whispered,
“I know, it’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to be angry!” I shook my head and asked,
“How can I be angry when I’m the one who gave up? You know a part of me wishes that it was me, I wish that she was still here.” She shook her head and I added, “I can’t imagine a world without her.” She nodded and whispered,
“I know.” She doesn’t know, that’s the thing, no one understands. No one could possibly understand how it feels to be the reason someone is dead. She’s gone, and I’m one of the reasons why.
11
I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. My head is pounding. I think of going back to the bathroom, the bottle in the medicine cabinet feels like a good idea, a better option. Better than this, better than the pain. The more I take, the better I feel. The more I think, the more I contemplate. I ask myself, what could happen? What could happen if they were prescribed to me? They were for me, they’re mine.
I sit on the edge of my bed, I keep thinking about the pills in the medicine cabinet, just to make it easier, just enough to feel better, I tell myself. Enough to make the pain stop is what I tell myself, just enough, just two maybe three, but the best liars are the ones who actually believe the lies they say.
Just enough, just enough for me to feel relaxed. Just to make the pain stop, just to make my head stop pounding. Just enough. Two or three is all it might take, maybe one. I walk to the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t recognize the person looking back at me.
I opened the medicine cabinet, the bottle was in my hand, I could feel the movement in my hand as I carried the pill bottle into my room. I took a deep breath as I opened the bottle, my head was telling me to close the bottle, don’t be an idiot. I needed to feel better, I needed all the pain to stop, all the pain and the guilt. I needed to stop thinking about her. I wanted her to stop creeping inside of my mind, I needed to stop seeing her body on the ground. I needed the blood on my hands to just disappear.
I put two into my hand, only two. That’s it, only for a headache, only two. I took a deep breath and put them in my mouth, only two. That’s it, not a big deal, just to make the pain go away, just for a second. Just so I could think, just so I could make it all go away.
I didn’t need it gone forever, just for now, just for a second to catch my breath. Once again, the world doesn’t stop spinning, it just keeps going. It won’t wait for you, ever. I lay my head back, laying back on my bed, staring at the ceiling. My thoughts are slow, my mind isn’t racing. My head isn’t pounding, I’m calm.
My eyes get heavy, I start to drift off, I can feel myself starting to fall asleep. I closed my eyes but it wasn’t dark this time, she was standing in front of me again. This time there was blood on her shirt and it was dripping from her stomach and as she gasped for air, blood poured out of her mouth. I stood in front of her in shock, I watched as blood dripped out of her mouth as she tried to talk.
I woke up, covered in sweat and knots in my stomach. Watching her bleed out, watching her gasp for air seemed real, and maybe it was. Maybe she didn’t give up, maybe she just couldn’t fight as I watched. I stood up, my body was shaking and when I looked down I saw blood. Blood on my hands, dripping onto the floor. I closed my eyes and whispered,
“This isn’t happening.” I took a deep breath but when I opened my eyes standing in front of me was Addison. There was blood everywhere, she was holding her stomach. She looked at me, she mumbled,
“Why?” Blood falling from her mouth as she spoke, tears streaming down my face. I yelled,
“I’m sorry! I am so sorry!” I fell to the ground, onto my knees and when I looked up she was gone. I rubbed my face, I couldn’t move. My body was limp, I couldn’t feel my legs. I managed to stand up, I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the empty pill bottle on the nightstand.
I looked around, I didn’t remember taking any more pills, my mind was too full to even remember anything before I saw her. I laid back, I took a deep breath and I was too scared to fall asleep. I walked down stairs, I was ready to tell my mom but before I could I watched her as she read a letter at the table. I asked,
“What is it?” She pulls the chair out, she taps the chair and I sit. She answered,
“School opens tomorrow, they’ve made some changes. Some safety precautions, metal detectors, bullet proof glass, and they repaired all the damages.” I asked,
“It’s been less than a week, they’re just gonna make us go back?” She shook her head and touched my hand. I pulled away, her hands were warm but I jumped as she touched me. She answered,
“We are not forcing you to go back, you need time to heal and that is understandable.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“I don’t know if I can go back.” She nodded, I walked back to my room and grabbed the empty pill bottle. I put it in my pocket, I knew in my gut that if I didn’t tell them I would lose myself, but maybe I already did. Maybe I already lost who I used to be. I walked back to the kitchen, I sat the bottle on the table and said, “I took these, I’ve been taking them since Addison died. I thought it would make me see her and it did but not in a way I liked.” She looked at the bottle and said,
“We asked you if you were gonna be okay.” I nodded and said,
“I watched my girlfriend die, I watched her bleed out in front of me!” I looked down at my hands and yelled, “her blood was on my hands!” I slammed my hands down on the table and yelled, “every time I close my goddamn eyes I see her! I am not okay!” My mom nodded and for the first time I saw fear in her eyes as she looked at me. She got up from the table and walked out of the kitchen. I sat at the table, I thought this was the right choice but now it seemed like the wrong one. I followed her and exclaimed, “so that’s it? You don’t even care?” She yelled,
“Logan, we have dealt with this! We have been through this cycle, last time it almost killed me! Watching you detox, not being able to trust you! I get it, your girlfriend died but wake up! Logan, you have to wake up!” I nodded and mumbled,
“Wake up? I’m awake and it’s just making it worse! What’s the point of being awake if I’m in pain?” She answered,
“To move on.”
12
I nodded, she just expected me to get over it? Does she just forget about everything? The good and the bad, or just the bad? I went to my room and laid on my bed. I thought about what she said, and she told me to get over it. Get over it? Which part? The part where I watched my girlfriend bleed out? The part where I looked a shooter in the eyes? Or the fact that there’s school tomorrow?
I stared at the wall, I counted the glow in the dark stars stickers on the ceiling. They were glowing and the more I watched the stars the blurrier my vision got. My father stood in my doorway, he stood in silence as he stared at me. I asked,
“Are you gonna tell me to move on too?” He walked closer towards the bed, he shook his head and answered,
“No, I think what happened isn’t something you can just move on from.” I mumbled,
“Tell that to mom.” He sat on the edge of my bed and looked up. He smiled as he saw the stars. He said,
“I remember when we put those up.” I smiled and mumbled,
“It was Addison’s ideas, I was going through detox, she told me that I needed to focus on something. I needed to stare at something, it helped the room stop spinning.” He smiled and took a deep breath. He whispered,
“You really loved her, didn’t you?” I smiled and answered,
“More than anything.” I took a deep breath and added, “she was the only person who understood me. The only person I could actually talk to.” My father smiled, I sat up and asked, “do you think we were too young?” He shrugged and answered,
“Kid, that sounds like love if I ever heard it. There’s no age of love, there’s no rules, that’s what makes it epic.” I nodded, he said, “Addison was special, I could see it, your mother saw it, hell the dog could probably see it.” I laughed and said,
“She lit up the room when she walked in, she could find happiness in every situation. Even when I was in detox, she started making plans for when I was better.” I smiled as I talked about her. My father rubbed his head and announced,
“Your mother sent me in here to talk to you.” I rolled my eyes and laid back on my bed. I asked,
“It was only three times, I thought it would make the pain go away but it didn’t work.” He asked,
“What happened when you were on the pills?” I stayed quiet, I didn’t know if I should tell him. I took a deep breath and answered,
“I saw her the first time it seemed like her but the last time, she blamed me, I watched her die for a second time.” He put his hand on my shoulder and asked,
“You know that wasn’t real, right?” I shook my head and answered,
“No dad, it was real.” He shook his head and said,
“This is not your fault, none of this is your fault.” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“All of this is my fault!” I stood up and walked to the closet. I pulled out one of her hoodies she left. I yelled, “it’s my fault that she can’t wear this hoodie anymore!” I closed my eyes to let the tears fall and yelled, “It should’ve been me! I should’ve got shot!” I fell to my knees and sobbed, “why did I live? Why did she have to die?” My father kneeled on the ground next to me and answered,
“I don’t know why bad things happen but I have to believe that there’s a reason, I have to believe that this is some kind of elaborate plan.” I asked,
“A plan? What’s the plan? What good came from her dying?” He shrugged and answered,
“I think you have to find the purpose.” I nodded, I could barely see through the tears. He added, “I think you should see someone, someone who can help.” I shook my head, I couldn’t. I don’t think I would be able to talk to someone. It would bring up all those memories and all the blood, the blood on my hands. He nodded and stood up, he added, “you don’t have to go tomorrow, you don’t have to go back so soon.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“If I don’t go back tomorrow, I don’t think I ever will.” He nodded and walked away, he didn’t close the door behind him. I’m not surprised, I relapsed and who trusts an addict? She did, she trusted me and I let her give up. I knew the risk, I knew what no one else knew and I should’ve said something, but I’m afraid it’s too late. It was too late, they probably already know. I could feel my eyes getting heavy but I was too afraid to sleep, too afraid of seeing her again.
I couldn’t sleep, just the thought of being in school tomorrow gave me knots in my stomach.My eyes got heavier the later the night got. Eventually I couldn’t stay awake. I fell asleep and I didn’t dream, there was nothing to dream about. There was nothing to look forward to, there was just nothing.
My alarm went off, I haven’t heard the ringing in what felt like a lifetime. I took a deep breath and walked to the bathroom, the urge to open the medicine cabinet lingered. I turned on the shower, all the way hot. When I was little my mother would always turn the hot water on, she said that the steam would wake me up. I don’t know if that’s true but it stuck in my routine.
I got dressed and turned the shower off, I didn’t want to leave the bathroom. Walking out of the bathroom meant having to deal with the questions of whether or not I could handle going to school. I don’t know if I could handle it but if not now, when?
13
I walked to the kitchen, I took my keys from the hook and stared out the window. My car was parked in the driveway. I stared at the car, a part of me was hoping it wouldn’t start when I went to drive to school. Another part of me knew I had to do this. I knew that I had to go back but I didn’t want to.
My mom stood behind me, waiting to see if I actually would walk out the door. I took a deep breath and walked towards the door, she trailed behind me, slowly but I could tell she was there. I turned around and asked,
“How am I supposed to do this?” She answered,
“You’ll figure it out.” I nodded and opened the door, I walked to my car and took a deep breath. I sat in the driveway for a while before I even started my car. I pulled out of the driveway, as I drove I could feel my stomach start to hurt as I got closer to the school.
When I pulled in the parking lot my chest started to hurt, my heart was beating so fast, I was sweating. I walked to the doors and there were at least three cops just at the entrance. They watched as I walked through the metal detectors.
I walked to my locker, Addison’s locker was right next to mine. There were flowers and pictures of her taped to it, notes from people who didn’t even know her. I stopped, I looked over the pictures and I noticed one.
She was opening her locker and I was hugging her from behind. I smiled as I saw that picture, that picture gave me a reason to keep going.
I took a deep breath as I walked to first period. Mrs.Peterson, deja vu. The last time I walked into this classroom I lost something that I can never get back. As I walked in the classroom I stared at the ground, more specifically the spot where she bled out. I could hear my name being called but I couldn’t lift my eyes from that spot. Someone called,
“Logan?” My eyes stayed on that spot, a hand grabbed my shoulder. I jumped as their hand touched me. They asked, “Are you okay?” I nodded and answered,
“Yes, sir.” I sat in my seat, as I sat there I stared at that spot. I watched as everyone came in and sat down, everyone acted like it was normal. The principal came in the room, he stood in the front of the class and announced,
“Good morning, I would like to thank you for coming back after such a tragedy.” I rolled my eyes, tragedy? Lives were lost, that day will forever be carved into the students minds as the worst day of their life. The day they watched their classmates die. He added, “we understand that this can be a very hard thing to deal with.” I couldn’t stay silent anymore, I couldn’t just sit here. I asked,
“You understand?” He nodded and answered,
“We lost a lot of students that day, we understand how hard this adjustment is going to be.” I asked,
“Adjustment? An adjustment in when your parents get divorced or when you move into a new house and have to figure out which way to walk to school. Lives were lost and you’re saying it was an adjustment?” He nodded and answered,
“Poor choice of words, my apologies. Counseling will be provided to all students and we highly encourage you to take advantage of that opportunity.” He walked out of the classroom and Mrs. Peterson stared at us. She announced,
“Last time we were in this classroom we lost someone.” I look to the empty desk beside me. I stared at that chair the whole period, I couldn’t move my eyes away from that chair. After the bell rang I stayed in my seat, I stared at the chair. I didn’t even hear the bell. Mrs.Peterson asked, “Logan?” I looked up at her and mumbled,
“I’m sorry.” She leaned down and said,
“I know that you loved her, I know you miss her. I think you should see the counselor, I’ll write you a pass and you can go right now.” I nodded, maybe I did need to talk to someone, maybe I need someone who I can count on. She wrote me a pass and I went down to the counselor’s office. I walked in and he was doing paperwork. I announced,
“Hi, I’m Logan.” He smiled and said,
“Your teacher called down, I’m Mike. I don’t do Mr or Sir, just Mike.” I nodded and said,
“Okay, just Mike.” He smiled and asked,
“So why are you here?” I laughed and answered,
“At this point, I don’t even know.” He nodded and pointed to the chair, I sat in the chair on the other side of his desk. I added, “the shooter killed my girlfriend, the shooter was her brother.” He nodded. We sat in silence, I added, “I keep seeing her.” I looked down at my shoes. He asked,
“In a dream?” I shook my head and answered,
“Sometimes it’s like she’s right next to me.” He nods and said,
“Everyone grieves differently, maybe you seeing her is a way of healing.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“It’s my fault she’s gone and I think my brain is reminding me of that.” I keep my eyes on my feet, I can’t look him in the eyes. He asked,
“Why is it your fault?” I answered,
“I should’ve protected her.” He nods and shifts in his seat. He asked,
“If the roles were reversed, would you want her to feel like you do right now?” I shook my head. He nodded and added, “I didn’t know Addison, but the things everyone says about her, I know she wouldn’t want you to feel guilty.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“I haven’t been completely honest.” I pull a picture out of my pocket and set it in front of me. He asked,
“What’s this?” I flipped it over, I see you, was written on the back of the picture. This was the moment that might change everything or it might change nothing.
14
He flipped the picture over, it was Addison’s bedroom window. He flipped back over to the writing. He asked,
“Did you show the police?” I shook my head, he took a deep breath and rubbed his head. He asked, “why didn’t you show the police?” I answered,
“I watched her get shot, it didn’t make a difference!” He nodded and I added, “Addison gave me this photo three days before she was shot, she asked me if I did it. Of course I didn’t, but she brushed it off because she said it was just some high school drama. I didn’t know if it would even be relevant to the case because I watched her get shot and we all know her brother did it.” He nodded and asked,
“Don’t you think you should tell the police?” I asked,
“Would it make a difference? She’ll still be dead.” He answered,
“It might help you feel better, less guilty.” I shrugged, I didn’t know what would happen. This note was before she was killed. I saw her brother kill her, it wasn’t like someone else did. I asked,
“Do you think it’s an important detail to the case?” He took a deep breath and answered,
“I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think there’s a case. I think this is a clean cut killing, he killed her and he’s going to get help. I think telling someone would make you feel better, but no I don’t think this would help a case.” I nodded and looked down at my shoes, I mumbled,
“I think I need help.” He leaned forward and asked,
“Help with what?” I clench my jaw, I tried to convince myself at first that I wouldn’t relapse. I tried to convince myself that I was okay but I don’t think I am. I answered,
“I relapsed, if you look at my file you’ll probably see my history of addiction and the night of the school shooting I took some pills.” He nodded and asked,
“When was the last time you took them?” I answered,
“Last night.” He nodded, he smiled and asked,
“Thank you for telling me this.” I nodded. He asked, “what do you wanna do?” I shrugged and answered,
“I don’t want the people who love me not to trust me.” He nodded and asked,
“Rehab?” I shrugged. He took a deep breath and added, “It’s not gonna be easy to get clean, you know that. It doesn’t matter how many times you took them, you went back for more and now you crave them.” I shook my head and said,
“I don’t crave them, not after I saw her.” He nodded, I could tell by the look on his face he didn’t know what I was talking about. I added, “my mind was messing with me, my mind let me see her and at first it was nice. At first I could talk to her, but last night when she talked blood came out of her mouth. She blamed me, she asked me why.” He nodded and said,
“It wasn’t real, drugs mess with your mind. It sees what you feel, you feel guilty, your mind will show her blaming you.” I shrugged and mumbled,
“It felt real.” He nodded and said,
“I know, the mind is a scary place.” I nodded, he got a phone call. I could see the look on his face as he got that call. Something was wrong, something’s always wrong. I asked,
“What’s wrong?” He cleared his throat and answered,
“Nothing.” I shook my head and said,
“I’ve seen that face, what is it?” He looked out the window, and a cop car pulled up. He looked back at me and answered,
“The cops need you in for questioning.” I asked,
“About Addison?” He nodded. An officer entered the room and grabbed my arm. Pulling me out of the chair. The officer announced,
“Logan Fields, you are under arrest for being an accomplice in the murder of Addison Montgomery. Anything you say or do can be used in the court of law.” I asked,
“Again? We already did this!” Without saying a word they dragged me out of the school and put me in the back of a cop car. When we got to the police station I saw him, I saw Robert Johnson. I yelled,
“Agent Johnson!” I saw him look at me, he looked at me in the eyes and then looked away. They sat me in a room, the same room as before. My hands were handcuffed to the table, this time no one was in the room. This time I was alone, alone with my thoughts. Robert came in, he put a laptop in front of me. On the laptop was a video of Luke’s confession. On the laptop Luke said,
“Logan was upset one night, he said they’d been arguing and he wanted to get rid of her. He wanted to blow off some steam so we came up with a plan, we weren’t gonna shoot Addison, just scare her but my finger slipped. We wanted to scare her so she’d stay with him and be too scared to leave his side.” I laughed and asked,
“Do you know how idiotic that sounds?” Robert asked,
“Do you know how idiotic it is to kill your girlfriend over jealousy?” I yelled,
“I didn’t kill my girlfriend!” He points to the laptop and exclaimed,
“He says otherwise!” I yelled,
“He’s a fucking maniac! You’re gonna believe him?” He shrugged and answered,
“It’s the only evidence we have, he made his confession and you were a part of that!” I shook my head and mumbled,
“I loved her!” He nodded and said,
“Maybe that love turned into anger and jealousy. Maybe you loved her too much.” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“I would never hurt her!” He announced,
“So tell me what happened, every single detail.” I looked down and began,
“The day started out normal, we met at our lockers, we walked to first period together. When the gunshots went off she was scared, I kept telling her everything was gonna be okay, but she knew I was trying to convince myself. I called my mom.” He interrupted,
“Why’d you call your mom?” I answered,
“Just in case I didn’t make it home.” I asked, “do you really think I would call my mom if I had something to do with this? Do you think I would say goodbye to my baby brother if I had anything to do with it?” He yelled,
“It was in the confession!” His voice got louder with each yell. I asked,
“Is it really a confession if you blame someone else?”
15
The room went silent, I sat in the chair staring out the window. I shake my head, this is the second time I’ve sat in the chair, the second time I’ve been accused of murder. I asked,
“Do you have any idea what it feels like to be accused of hurting someone you love?” He shook his head. I mumbled, “well it’s not fucking fair.” He nodded, an officer comes in the room and announced,
“Luke Fields just cleared Logan’s name.” Both officers look at me. I look down at the handcuffs and asked,
“Can someone take these off?” Robert takes the handcuffs off. He mumbled,
“I’m sorry kid.” I shrugged and said,
“Can’t be mad at you for doing your job, but this is the second time! What happens next? I go to jail?” Robert shook his head and answered,
“I can assure you, there will be no next time.” I shook my head and groaned as I said,
“I hope you’re right.” I walked out the room and for a split second I asked myself, what would’ve happened if he didn’t tell the truth? My mom was sitting in a chair outside of the room. He asked,
“Are you okay?” I shook my head, this has already happened before and asked the same exact question. I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down and we walked to the car. When I got home there was a suitcase by the front door. My mom walked to the kitchen, and poured a glass of wine. Another one I assumed, I trailed behind her. She was already drunk, it looks like she’d been drinking all day. I asked,
“Don’t you think you should slow down?” She laughed and asked,
“An addict telling me how much to drink?” She laughed but I knew she meant it. She meant it because I am an addict and she’s a drunk, we all have our problems but they shouldn’t be rubbed in your face like your a dog who peed on the carpet. I asked,
“Whose suitcase is that?” She looked up and answered,
“Yours.” I knew that, I just needed to hear her say it. I need to hear her say that she’s sending her broken son away. Running away from the damage. I asked,
“Where am I going?” She shrugged and answered,
“I don’t know.” I nodded, I went to my room. Almost everything was gone, except one thing. The stuffed bear sat on my bed, I grabbed it and took one last glance of my room as I sat on the bed. Thinking about the good things, thinking about the time when Addison and I would sit on the floor and watch movies. Or when I was so sick from detox I would just stare at the glow in the dark stars all day. I looked up, I stood on the bed and took the big star off the ceiling.
I put the star in my pocket, that star was a memory and memories are the only thing we have through everything. Memories are the only things that actually stick around. I also remember the bad memories, the memories where my mom and dad would fight and I would hide under the bed at seven.
There were so many memories here and it wouldn’t be easy to just walk away but maybe it would be better to. A lot of decisions aren’t easy, probably most of them are life changing and change can be scary but there comes a point in time where you have to realize, not all change is bad. That doesn’t mean all change is good, you have to figure out whether it’s good or bad. I was trying to figure that out but right now, I couldn’t. Right now I can't feel anything. I took a deep breath and walk down the stairs, my dad stands at the door and asked,
“Whose suitcase is this?” I assumed when we walked in he didn’t see it at the door so I answered,
“It’s mine.” He picks the suitcase up and shakes his head. He carries the suitcase up to my room. I follow him up the stairs, he lays the suitcase on the bed and starts to unpack. I asked, “what are you doing?” He answered,
“You’re not going anywhere!” I shook my head and mumbled,
“Dad.” He shook his head, he said,
“You’re not leaving.” I could hear the shakiness in his voice, the sadness in his throat. He added, “you’re seventeen, you can’t just leave!” I nodded, I couldn’t stay in a house where my mother felt ashamed of me or she hated me enough to pack my bags. I shook my head and said,
“I can’t stay here anymore, the constant reminders of her dying. I want to remember Addison alive, not dead and I’m afraid that if I stay here I’ll forget.” He shook his head and argued,
“You’ll never forget her.” I shrugged and mumbled,
“I don’t wanna remember her as being shot, I wanna remember her as my girlfriend, the love of my life.” He asked,
“Were you gonna say goodbye?” I shrugged, I debated on lying, I debated on telling him what he wanted to hear. I answered,
“No.” He nodded and sat on my bed. He asked,
“Is this what you want?” I shake my head and answered,
“I don’t want to leave but I think if I don’t go I’ll be letting her down.” I looked down at my feet and added, “we had a plan, we were both going to Washington when we graduated. I was gonna start my police training and she would get her teaching degree.” He smiled and asked,
“Since when do you wanna be a police officer?” I answered,
“Since forever, you guys just never seemed to ask.” He nodded, he started putting my stuff back into my suitcase. He announced,
“Logan, I’m sorry. We failed you, we were supposed to protect you but look what’s happened.” I shook my head and said,
“You didn’t fail dad, you just need practice. I need you to promise me one thing.” He nodded. I added, “I need you to promise me that you’ll do better, you’ll do better for him. You’ll pay attention to him and you’ll recognize the signs before it’s too late.” He asked,
“What are the signs?” I wiped the tear from my cheek and answered,
“He’ll be in his room almost all day and he won’t talk because he thinks you’re not interested. Be interested, ask questions.” He nodded and handed me a wad of cash. I shook my head and zipped up my suitcase. He smiled and said,
“This is me doing the right thing.” I nodded and took the money. He added, “Are you gonna say goodbye to him?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t think I can, he’ll be okay. As long as you keep your promise, he’ll be okay.” I take my suitcase and I sit it in the hallway. I walk to his room and his tiny body lays in the bed. I stare at him as he sleeps. This is the only reason I’m debating on staying, the only reason I find purpose here. I want to watch him grow up, I want to be there when he’s drunk for the first time or when he’s high for the first time.
I want to be there when he goes to high school or when he graduates. I smiled, he was going to be fine without me, at least that’s what I told myself. I went into the room and kissed him on the forehead, I whispered,
“I love you, buddy.” I turned around and walked out of his room, leaving the door open a crack. I went downstairs and my mom was still sitting at the table but the full bottle of wine was now empty. She asked,
“You’re leaving?” I answered,
“I guess you got what you wanted.” She shook her head and said,
“This isn’t what I wanted, I just wanted a normal son! A son that isn’t screwed up!” I laughed and asked,
“What about the person who made me that way? You and dad made me this way and you're gonna do the same thing to him! Do better for him, be there for him when he’s sad and don’t argue with dad in front of him! Having your parents argue constantly does something to you, it hurts you.” She yelled,
“Don’t you dare blame this on me! This is not my fault, don’t tell me how to parent!” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“This is your fault! You guys gave me a crappy childhood and now I’m screwed up, that’s on you! All I’m asking is don’t do the same to him, don’t let him fall when there’s no one there to catch him.” I took a deep breath and added, “I’ve done that and when someone doesn’t catch you, it hurts like hell.” I didn’t let her say anything else, I walked out the door. I was leaving this life behind and hopefully starting a new one, hopefully.
16
I turned on my car and I sat in the driveway for a while, I could barely feel my body. I knew that I needed to do this but it felt wrong to leave, it felt selfish. I pulled out of the driveway because I knew if I went back inside, I wasn’t coming back out. I drove for a while and I pulled out a picture from my glove box, I pulled over and looked to the right. I put the picture out in front of me. I was parked next to the lake, I needed to feel connected to her, just for a second.
Although this town may be filled with bad memories, I’ve had some good ones and most of them were with her. The picture was of Addison in her white dress, the dress with the lace at the top and blue flowers at the bottom. I smiled but it slowly faded as I realized that she was really gone. At first I didn’t want to admit that she was gone, at first I thought that if I said it out loud it would make it true. It doesn’t matter if you say it or not, she’s gone, and as humans we tend to hold on to hope, we tend to not face reality because we know that reality isn’t always good.
I pulled off, I just wanted to see the lake. I thought that I would feel better but I just felt the same. You can’t really get rid of grief, it kind of just lingers and waits for you to crack. I drove for hours, I didn’t know where I wanted to go, I could go anywhere. I could be whoever I wanted to be, I didn’t have to be someone I’m not but I could be someone I wanted to be.
I pulled up to a motel, Knights Inn, Alvin Texas. I’ve been to Texas before, we have family here but I’m only staying the night. I don’t need anyone knowing where I am or my parents knowing where to look. I know when my mom gets sober she’ll come looking for me and I know my dad’s probably already looking but I’m six hours away from home.
Six hours away from New Orleans, Louisiana. Home of the old Logan, new home is yet to be determined. I got out of my car and walked into the motel, I walked up to the front desk. There was a lady on the phone, I stood quietly as she yelled at the person on the other line. Finally she put down the phone and plastered a fake smile on her face. She asked,
“How can I help you?” I smiled and answered,
“I just need a room.” She nodded and asked,
“How many nights?” I answered,
“Just one.” She typed on her keyboard, the clicking of the keys as she pressed down was familiar. It reminded me of Addison typing away on one of her blog posts about a book she’s read. She waved her hand in front of me and said,
“Fifty-six dollars.” I handed her the money in exchange for the key. I walked up the stairs to the second floor, the room was small but nice. I only needed it for one night and by morning I would be back on the road, going god knows where. I sat on the edge of the bed, I realized that I was alone. This was the first time I truly felt alone, the first time I truly was alone.
I walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I try to smile but lately it feels like I don’t know how. It feels like there’s nothing left to smile about. It feels like this never ending circle of pain and I just want it to stop, I just need a second to catch my breath. Just a second to think, just a second of peace. I walked away from the mirror because it didn’t matter how long I stared back at myself, I wouldn’t recognize the person in the mirror.
I turned on my phone, I turned off my location just in case someone was looking for me. They say that some people just don’t want to be found but some people do and they just don’t know it. Some people want to be found but not by the people who are looking for them, they want to be found by the people who will be there for them and the people who will love them.
I had ten messages from my mom, she just kept saying I'm sorry, please come home, I’ll stop drinking; A part of me wanted to go home and just forget about everything, just go back to how it was. I knew that I couldn’t go back because I knew that nothing would change. Nothing would get better, it wouldn’t be easy to just forget.
People say forgive and forget but how can you forgive someone if it changes your life forever? How are you supposed to forget if you’re still angry? How was I supposed to just get over it? How am I supposed to move on if I’m still so angry at him? Then I realized this isn’t about my parents, it’s still about her and it will always be about her. It feels like everything will always be about her. I need to let go but I’m scared that she'll just disappear.
I grabbed my keys and decided I needed to hit the town. I drove for a while, I needed to live a little. I needed to forget about Addison just for one night. Gordon Street Tavern, I opened my wallet and took out my fake ID. Tonight I was Justin Hyde, 22. I got out of my car and when I walked in the door I could smell the cigarettes.
I went up to the bar and I could feel everyone staring at me. I waved one of the bartenders down. She asked,
“What can I get you?” I answered,
“Whiskey, neat.” She smiled and asked,
“Can I see some ID?” I nodded and handed the ID. She asked,
“Justin Hyde?” I nodded, she smiled and asked, “really? That’s the best you could do?” I asked,
“What do you mean?” She asked,
“How old are you?” She smiled. She added, “you know guys like you come in here all the time, I’m pretty good at figuring out fakes.” I answered,
“I’m 21, not 22.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head. I sighed and added, “fine, 20.” She shook her head again, this time with a smile. I announced, “I’ll make you a deal, how ‘bout we pretend this ID is real, you serve me this one drink and I’ll be outta your hair.” She shook her head and smirked. I added, “please?” She took a deep breath and said,
“I guess you could pass for 21.” I smiled and nodded. She smiled as she turned around to pour the drink. She slid the drink to me and added, “if you get wasted I didn’t serve you.” I put my hands up and smiled. She rolled her eyes and whispered, “I’m serious.” I rolled my eyes and said,
“Okay mom, I’ll behave.” I smiled and I watched her as she poured drinks for the person next to me. I watched her pour the drinks, it seemed so natural and effortless. We made eye contact, I was trying to look away but her icy blue eyes sucked me in. I asked,
“So how old are you?” She laughed and answered,
“Depends, who’s asking?” I nodded and answered,
“A friend.” She smiled and handed me a bottle of water. She whispered,
“I don’t have many friends.” I smiled and for a second everything behind us disappeared, for a second I was normal. I got buzzed off of one drink, I was drunk to the point where I couldn’t stand just enough for my head to be fuzzy. I could tell she was keeping an eye on me, from a distance. I drank the water and kept the bottle in front of me. She asked, “you doing alright over here?” I nodded, she went back to serving people at the counter but I watched as she talked. She talked differently to almost every customer. I stood up but my legs didn’t get the memo that we were trying to walk. I sat back in the chair. She stood in front of me and asked, “how ya’ doin’?” I laughed and answered,
“Apparently not great.” She nodded and laughed. Her laugh was contagious, it made me smile. Her smiled disappeared and asked,
“Are you staying with family?” I laughed and answered,
“Nope, just me.” I grabbed my keys from the table but her hand laid on top of mine, she shook her head and said,
“I’m not letting you drive. I get off in five minutes, I’ll drive you to wherever you need to go.” I couldn’t help but nod, I watched as she grabbed her stuff. I stood up, my legs a little wobbly but I could walk this time. We walked to the parking lot, and we got in her car. She asked, “where are you staying?” I couldn’t remember the name, it was like my mind was blank. I pulled out my wallet, looking for the key in my pocket. I pull the key out and show her the name Knights Inn, that’s right. Before I put my wallet back in my pocket I pulled out the picture. The picture Addison, I stare at it. I hoped the picture came to life. She asked, “is that your girlfriend?” I sigh and answered,
“Once upon a time she was.” I rubbed my thumb over the smile in her picture. I wanted to see her smile one more time, one last time. She asked,
“What’d you do to her?” I shake my head and answered,
“I hurt her, even if I didn’t realize it.” I hurt her, it was true. I hurt her even when I didn’t know it, I hurt her by just being with her. She pulled up at the hotel and parked. I asked, “what are you doing?” She answered,
“You’re drunk and heartbroken, they usually don’t mix well.” I nodded, I stumbled to the staircase. She put my arm around her shoulder and helped me, we stumbled up the stairs together. I mumbled,
“Why are you being so nice?” She smiled and answered,
“Someone once told me to live like no one’s watching. Don’t live for praise, live for being kind.” I nodded, they sounded smart. When we got to my room she unlocked the door and sat me on the couch. She grabbed a bottle of water from the mini fridge and handed it to me. She demanded, “drink!” I nodded and took the bottle, she sat next to me. We sat in silence for a while but eventually it got awkward. She asked,
“So what’s your story?” I closed my eyes as she asked, how do you tell someone that the love of your life was killed? I answered,
“Just needed to get away.” You don’t, you lie. You don’t let that person in, you lie to them. I looked down at her name tag, Cassie. I asked, “is that your real name?” She smiled and shrugged as she asked,
“Depends.” I nodded, it truly does depend on who asked. It was Cassie who asked about my past and it was Cassie I lied to. She looked around the hotel. She asked, “are you like on the run or something?” I laughed, I tried not to come off as laughing at her but I was. I brought the water bottle and nodded. I whispered,
“Something like that.”
17
After a while the room grows quiet. What do you say to a person you know nothing about? I stare out the window, my vision is so blurred I can’t tell if there's stars or if they’re just street lights. I asked,
“Are you gonna tell me your real age?” She laughed and asked,
“Are you gonna tell me?” I shrugged, it would be better for her not to know. She shrugged, then it went back to silence. She asked, “do you ever feel empty? Like you’re not worth saving.” Those thoughts sound familiar. I answered,
“Everyday.” She nodded but kept her eyes out the window. She mumbled,
“I’m 18, my father owns the bar and lets me work there. Not without supervision though.” I nodded, I didn’t want to tell her anything. I learned at a very young age that the less people know the better. She smiled and asked, “you’re gonna make it really hard, aren’t you?” I asked,
“Make what hard?” She smiled and answered,
“Getting close to you.” I shrugged and I mumbled,
“In my experience, it’s better to have walls than to be an open book.” She smiled and nodded. I added, “what’s the point of living if there’s no mystery?” She nodded and answered,
“Eventually you’ll realize that hiding in the shadows isn’t worth it.” I shook my head and asked,
“Who said I’m hiding?” She smiled, she sat in the same position, next to me on the couch. We sat there in silence for a while, I could feel my eyes getting heavier but she stayed on the couch. She sat there and stared at the wall. I asked, “you just gonna sit there all night?” She shrugged and answered,
“No where else to be.” I shook my head and stood up. My legs still felt a little numb. She asked, “where are you going?” I asked,
“Do you want the bed or the couch?” She shrugged. I pulled her off the couch and shoved her towards the bed. I sat back on the couch and laid down. She sat on the edge of the bed, I could feel her staring at me. I asked, “what?” She just kept staring, it felt like her eyes were burning my skin as they scanned my body. She asked,
“Who are you?” I laughed, I couldn’t give her an answer because I don’t know. I shrugged, she laughed again. She said, “my father’s gonna kill me when he finds out where I’ve been.” I laughed, I knew that I wouldn’t be here when she woke up, one less person for her father to kill, I guess.
Eventually I felt her eyes stop scanning my body. Eventually the room was quiet, the silence made it possible to think. It made it easier to breathe, easier to hear my own thoughts. The more I thought, the more I wanted it to be loud again. I wanted the silence to stop because I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, I didn’t want my thoughts to consume me but maybe they already did.
My eyes got too heavy to hold open, while I slept all I saw was her. She didn’t speak, she just stood there, never moving, just staring back at me. Her expression was blank, emotionless, and almost cold. She didn’t have to say anything, her body language said it all. She blamed me and I blamed myself, I still do. Seeing her just look at me like that, like she didn’t recognize me made me blame myself even more. Eventually she disappeared, again.
When I woke up Cassie was still asleep, I debated on leaving but for some reason I couldn’t. It felt like I couldn’t leave her, it felt like I was obligated to stay by her side. I walked down the stairs to the hotel lobby, I got two cups of coffee and went back to the room. I watched her for a minute, I watched as she laid there, she looked peaceful and beautiful. I shook her shoulder, shaking her awake. I waved the coffee in her face as she opened her eyes. She rubbed her face and looked at the time. She asked,
“Why the actual hell did you wake me up at 9 a.m?” I shrugged and smiled. She flung back and threw the pillow on her face. I sat the coffee on the nightstand next to the bed. I answered,
“Checkout is at 1, I have to go to the store and I’ll be back.” She brought her hand to her forehead and saluted, I couldn’t help but laugh as I walked out the room. When I got to the parking lot I debated on leaving and going to the next state. I drove to the nearest store, a store where I could buy something to help me organize my thoughts. I walked down the aisles of the Office Depot. I pulled out a notebook, a white notebook with a black spiral spine. I grabbed some pens and walked to the checkout.
I needed my thoughts of her to stop running around my head. It’s like every second of everyday the only thing I can think about is her. After I checked out I sat in my car. I opened the notebook and opened the pack of pens. I began,
I don’t even know why I’m doing this, I thought that maybe it would make me feel better but I know that no one will ever read this. This is simply to get feelings or thoughts out I guess. Addison, the day we met was one of the best days of my life. You were sitting in your car and I was sitting on the sidewalk coming down from a high. You saw me and when we locked eyes it definitely wasn’t love at first sight. You screamed at me, you worried that I would get hit by a car and you called me arrogant. I’m pretty sure that’s what made me fall in love with you, the fact that you called a stranger arrogant. The fact that you weren’t afraid of a complete stranger. The more I got to know you, the more I fell in love with you and I’m stupid to think some journal is going to help me. You know everyone told me to just get over it and to be completely honest I probably should. There’s one problem, I can’t. I don’t know how to just let you go and it’s slowly killing that you’re not here beside me. This is so stupid, like it’s genuinly stupid that I’m turning to a stupid notebook. So I’m done.
-Logan
I closed the notebook and started the car. My eyes were glossed but for the first time in a while I didn’t cry when I thought about her.
18
I went back to the room and Cassie was still in bed. I pulled the blanket off of her and yelled,
“Good morning, sleepy head!” She shook her head and grunted. I pulled her towards me by her ankles. She sat up and mumbled,
“Don’t start something you can’t finish.” I rolled my eyes and asked,
“Who says I can’t finish?” I smiled, she rolled her eyes and got off the bed. She asked,
“How's your hangover?” I shrugged, she started to shake her head. I could tell something was wrong. I asked,
“What?” She shook her head and started cleaning the room up. I added, “what’s wrong?” She stayed quiet and just kept cleaning. I grabbed her arm and whispered, “Cassie, what’s wrong?” She answered,
“The second we have a moment it’s like you shut down, you just stop.” I looked down at my feet, she laughed and added, “see?” I looked up at her and answered,
“I don’t like letting people in.” She nodded and put her shoes on. I asked, “what are you doing?” She answered,
“I’m leaving, you don’t like letting people in, noted.” I grabbed her arm and whispered,
“Stop.” She pulled her arm away and shook her head. She took a deep breath and yelled,
“I don’t even know your real name! We spent one night talking, it wasn’t that serious. You are guarded and right now I have enough going on!” I nodded and asked,
“So why are you yelling if it was nothing?” She rolled her eyes and yelled,
“God, you are so stupid! I’m yelling because I’ve never been in this situation before and I don’t know what the hell we’re doing!” I yelled,
“What the hell are we doing?” She shrugged, we looked at each other and laughed. I said, “I think we would be better off as friends, I still have stuff to think about and I’m just not ready for something more.” She nodded but I could tell she was a little hurt, I could tell she was upset. She said,
“I have a shift at the bar, my father is gonna kill me if I’m late.” I nodded and smiled. She asked, “are you gonna be in this state when my shift’s over?” I laughed and answered,
“Probably not.” She nodded and said,
“Well then, Justin Hyde, I guess this is goodbye.” I smiled and whispered,
“Actually, It’s Logan.” She stuck out her hand and smiled. I took her hand and she said,
“Nice to meet you, Logan.” She walked to the door but before leaving she turned around and put her hand to her head. She saluted me before walking out the door. I gathered my stuff and took one last look at the room. As I walked out I took a deep breath, it was time for my next adventure, I just didn’t know what it was yet.
I got in my car and sat there for a couple minutes, I opened the journal and started writing,
Hi again, I honestly don't know who I’m writing to. Am I writing to myself? Addison? Maybe a part of me hopes someone will read this. It’s not a letter because I’m pretty sure I couldn’t mail it to you for obvious reasons. I keep thinking about that day at the lake, the one where you wore the white dress, lace up top, blue flowers on the bottom. That day at the lake was the first time I told you that I loved you. You smiled when I said it and that will always be one of my favorite memories, that look. I had a moment with someone today, I looked at her like I used to look at you. That made me feel guilty for looking at her like that. I looked at her and for a second I forgot about you and I’m sorry. I am so sorry, Addison.
-Logan
I closed the notebook and tossed it on the passenger seat. I took a deep breath and looked around the car. Alone again, in the beginning being alone felt nice but eventually being alone starts to get a little too lonely. My passenger side door opened and Cassie climbed on the seat. She asked,
“Where are we going?” I asked,
“We?” She smiled and nodded. I shrugged. I asked, “what about your dad?” She smiled and answered,
“He can’t kill me if he doesn’t know where I am.” I rolled my eyes and started the car. I guess being alone isn’t always a good thing. She asked, “Seriously, where are we going?” I answered,
“Wherever the road takes us.” She nodded and we pulled out of the parking lot. We started driving, we didn’t really know where we were going, we just drove. Cassie asked,
“So, what’s your family like?” I laughed, do I tell her my mother had my bags packed? No, sometimes it’s better to lie. I took a deep breath and answered,
“Normal I guess.” I could feel her roll her eyes. I looked over and her eyes were at her feet. I asked, “what about yours?” She shrugged, I nodded. Obviously we’re both closed off, obviously we both don’t want to know each other’s stories. The car grew silent again. We drove for hours in silence. After the four hour mark we stopped at a gas station. She asked,
“You want anything?” I shake my head. She nodded and went inside, I opened the glovebox and took out the notebook. I started writing,
Here I am, again. Still writing to anyone who’s reading. I’m sitting in my car and driving to god knows where. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. A part of me wishes that you’re gonna read this. A part of me is writing to you. I remember when I first met your parents, it was a complete shit show. Your father hated me, and honestly I hated him too. I still hate him, I probably always will but a part of me hates me too. I hate myself for hurting you, I hate myself for letting you go. I feel guilty and I know it’s gonna eat me alive and it is. It’s eating me alive, losing you is eating me alive.
-Logan
I closed the notebook as Cassie opened the car door. She smiled and asked,
“What’s that?” I shook my head and put it in the center console. She smiled and asked, “Can I read it?” I shook my head as she rolled her eyes. I put the car in drive and backed out of the parking space. She asked, “what is it? A diary?” I shook my head, I didn’t want to tell her what it actually was. I didn’t want her to see the damage that was in my life. I didn’t want to let her in because it felt like everyone left. It felt like everyone I’ve ever cared about shut me out, so what was the point? I answered,
“It isn’t a diary.” She asked,
“Can I read it?” I shook my head. She laughed and added, “then it’s a diary,” I rolled my eyes. She laughed but I pulled over. I asked,
“What are we doing?” She shrugged. I added, “obviously we didn’t think this through, we just left. You left your whole family behind, you left everything.” She interrupted,
“What about you? You just plan on driving, you don’t even know where the hell you're going!” I yelled,
“I know! I don’t need you wrapped up in my mess!” She yelled,
“It’s not your job to protect me! I can take care of myself!” She opened the door and got out of the car. I laid my head on the steering wheel and took a deep breath. I got out of the car and looked ahead, she was halfway down the road. I yelled,
“Where the hell are you going? You don’t even know where we are!” She shrugged and yelled,
“I’ll figure it out so you don’t have to deal with me anymore!” I rolled my eyes and yelled,
“You’re acting like a child!” She turns around a sticks her middle finger up as she yelled,
“Fuck you!” I rolled my eyes, I got in the car and drove up the road. I drove beside Cassie, her dirty blonde hair in a messy bun that shined in the sun. I asked,
“Are you done?” She rolled her eyes and kept walking. I added, “this would be a lot faster if you got in the car.” She stopped and my foot laid on the brake. She asked,
“Why the hell do you care?” I shrugged and asked,
“Who said I cared?” She groaned in frustration. She yelled,
“You try to act like my boyfriend and then turn around and say you don’t care. Do you have any idea how goddamn frustrating that is?” I shrugged, she groaned again and kept walking. I drove slowly and asked,
“Can you please stop for one second?” She stopped and turned towards me. I added, “my life is complicated, it’s a big mess. I’m not ready for anything and I don’t want you to expect anything.” She shook her head and said,
“Let’s make a deal, I won’t expect anything if you don’t lead me on.” I nodded, I didn’t want to lead her on because in the end we would both get hurt. She held out her hand and asked, “deal?” I shook her hand, when her hand touched mine it made my stomach feel weird. I smiled and nodded. She climbed in the front seat and asked, “do you know where we’re going yet?” I shrugged, I kept my eyes forward. I asked,
“Ever been to Oklahoma?” I looked over and watched as she shook her head. The car grew quieter as we drove, it felt like each mile we drove we started to distance ourselves from each other. I pulled over and announced, “I think we should call it a night.” She nodded and asked,
“Are we gonna sleep in the car?” I shrugged and answered,
“Why not?” I put my seat down and added, “it’s a back road so not many people drive on it, and we’re pulled over so we’re fine. I’ll lock the doors, there’s blankets in the trunk.” She rolled her eyes and put her seat down, we were staring out the sunroof, looking up at the stars above us. She took a deep breath and asked,
“Have you ever been in love?” I could feel her turn towards me, I could feel her staring at me. I answered,
“Once.”
19
I kept my eyes on the stars but her eyes were still lingering over my body. She asked,
“What does it feel like?” I closed my eyes and she added, “is it like everyone says?” I shook my head and answered,
“No, it’s better. Being in love feels like everything’s right, it feels like it doesn’t matter what happens as long as you have them. It makes your stomach hurt, but in a good way.” She smiled and I added, “it makes life worth it.” I find myself smiling at the thought of her, at the thought of Addison. She would always be the one I thought of but with love comes pain. I added, “but eventually the feeling in your stomach turns into pain because not everything is cupcakes and rainbows.” She shook her head and asked,
“How is it worth it if it ends in pain?” I shrugged and answered,
“Because of the experience, the feeling of being in love is somehow worth all of the pain that follows.” I turn to look her in the face. Her eyes full of hope, she asked,
“Do you ever want to fall in love again?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t think I can.” I watched as that hope in her eyes turned into disappointment. Her eyes were so beautiful in the night light. She nodded and turned around with her back facing towards me. She whispered,
“I plan to fall in love, I want a home with a family.” I nodded and said,
“Then you should do that, everyone should experience love at least once.” We didn’t speak again, I laid there quietly. I thought about the things I could’ve said, I could’ve told her about Alison. I should have told her about Addison but I didn’t.
I didn’t bring her up because I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring her up because I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to because every memory hurts. Every laugh, every smile just reminds me that she’s not here to do it. She can’t laugh anymore, she can’t smile anymore. She can’t do any of it anymore because life gave her the short end of the stick. Maybe it’s not my fault but it probably will always feel like it.
I tossed and turned all night, there wasn’t much room on the seat but eventually I fell asleep. I woke up to a tap on my window. An officer was standing on the outside of my car. The officer asked,
“Is there something wrong?” He looked at Cassie asleep in the passenger seat. He asked, “Ma’am?” I whispered,
“Cassie, wake up.” She opened her eyes and asked,
“What?” She rubbed her eyes and finally saw the cop. She smiled and added, “Hello, officer.” He looked around the car and asked,
“Everything all right?” I nodded and answered,
“Yes sir, we were driving and got tired. Best not to drive when you’re exhausted, right?” He nodded and asked,
“Can you step outta the car please?” I asked,
“Excuse me?” He opened the car door and repeated,
“Step out of the car.” Cassie yelled,
“What the hell?” I whispered,
“Cassie,” I put my hands up and stepped out of the car, he grabbed my wrist and pushed me against the car. I asked, “what the hell is going on?” He answered,
“Logan Fields, you’re a missing person and your parents instructed me to bring you home.” I shook my head and tried to move but his grip was tight. I slammed my head back into his and I could feel his grip weaken. I kicked him in the stomach and climbed into the car. I put the car in drive and sped off. Cassie yelled,
“What the hell was that? You’re a missing person?” I shrugged and answered,
“I guess, I don’t know!” I slammed my hand on the steering wheel and yelled, “fuck!” I pressed my foot down on the gas and for a minute I was blind. For a minute everything was blurry. Everything was moving so fast, everything was flying by or maybe it was just the car. Cassie yelled,
“Logan!” I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and pressed my foot down harder. She screamed, “Logan, stop the car!” I start to release my foot of the gas, I take deep breaths but I’m still mad. I slowly place my foot on the break. I mumbled,
“I’m sorry.” I pulled over as my eyes filled with tears. I flung my head back and I took a deep breath. I slammed my hands on the steering wheel, she jumped as I punched it. I punched it a couple times, until my knuckles bled. She touched my shoulder and as her hand touched me I jumped. She asked,
“Are you okay?” I shook my head and unbuckled my seatbelt. I opened the car door and walked around. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Why would they file a missing person’s report? She packed my bags but the second I left she made it seem like I ran away. When she had my bags packed as soon as I got home. Cassie followed me, I could hear the door close. She grabbed my hand and in the moment I reacted, in the moment my hands went to her shoulders. I pushed her down to the ground, as she hit the ground I looked down at my hands, I was shaking as I realized what I’ve done. I took a deep breath and whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She sat there for a minute, completely speechless. I sat beside her and put my face in my hands. She takes a deep breath and said,
“I’m okay.” I shake my head, my hands are still shaking, my stomach’s in knots. She added, “it’s okay.” I shook my head and mumbled,
“It’s not.” It’s not okay, it’s never been okay.” She asked,
“Has anything like that ever happened before?” I shake my head, I lied. She nodded and stood up. She stuck out her hand and added, “I think we should keep moving.” She pulled me up and smiled. I couldn’t smile, I physically couldn’t. She got in the driver's side, it was probably best for her to drive. I opened my notebook and started writing,
I did something that seemed familiar, it felt like we were right back in your room that day. The day when I found out you were lying to me, the day I hit you for the first time. The day my hand landed against your face, the day where I saw the way you looked at me. I saw the way you looked at me and in that moment you were scared of me. And I was scared of myself too but that was only the first time. Our relationship got far more toxic, and we knew that. When we fought we wouldn’t cool off, we would yell for hours but it never ended well. She had the same look on her face as you did all them years ago, fear. The only reason I’m writing this down is because I can’t say it out loud. I’m so sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to love you and if it was ever an option I would do it all over again. I would start over for you, Addison.
-Logan
I could feel Cassie staring at me as I wrote. Every time I looked at her she looked away, my stomach was still in knots, I felt terrible. Terrible for lying and terrible for pushing her. I felt terrible the first time, and every time after that. Cassie asked,
“That’s not the first time that happened, is it?” I keep my head down and keep writing. She added, “is that why you’re running?” I shake my head without looking up at her. She stopped the car and said, “I need answers!” I shut the book and rubbed my face. She asked, “why are you running?” I took a deep breath and answered,
“I’m not, my mom packed my bags and told me to get out. I’m not running from anything.” She shook her head and said,
“You’re lying, maybe you’re not running from anything physically but I can tell that you’re running from the truth.” I shook my head and asked,
“How do you know that?” She looked down at the book and looked back up at me. She answered,
“Because I’m not stupid.”
20
She wasn’t stupid, but she didn’t know what I had in this notebook and I don’t intend for her to find out. I took a deep breath and said,
“In my experience everyone around me leaves or dies, it’s much safer to not let anyone in.” I looked down at my feet and added, “I can promise you one thing, I will never lie to you.” She touched my hand and whispered,
“I’m not going anywhere.” For a second it felt like I was back in Addison’s room on her bed, holding her in my arms. I pulled my hand away and opened my book again. I began writing and she started the car again. She continued driving and I continued writing. The car was silent, the silence was better than the conversation. I asked,
“Do you ever feel like you have so much to say but don’t know how to say it?” She smiled and answered,
“All the time.” I nodded and continued to write. I closed the book and pulled out my phone. I opened google maps and typed an address in. I placed my phone on the stand that was suction cupped to the dashboard. She asked, “what’s in New Orleans?” I answered,
“That’s home.” She nodded and the car was silent again. I realized that she was better off without me, I realized that she didn’t need me. She didn’t need someone bringing her down every step of the way or someone who couldn’t treat her right. The car was silent for hours, by hour four we were starting to get exhausted. I said, “I think we should call it a night, there was a motel a couple miles back.” She nodded and turned around. The motel was small, it seemed more like a cabin than a motel. I grabbed my notebook and walked towards the door of the motel. We paid and I got the keys to the room and we headed up the stairs. When we got to the room it was cold and dark, all the furniture was brown and the walls were white. The bed had brown sheets and a white blanket resting on it. She announced,
“This is one of the ugliest motel rooms I’ve ever been in.” A smile grew across my face. I let out a laugh and she stared at me, she smiled as soon as I laughed. My eyes darted to the floor as I asked,
“Do you want the bed?” She looked around and answered,
“Where are you gonna sleep? The floor?” I shrugged. She shook her head and added, “we can both sleep on the bed.” I shook my head and said,
“I can sleep on the floor, I don’t mind.” She shook her head and sat on the bed. She patted the empty space beside her. I sat next to her and our bodies relaxed as we took a deep breath. I laid back on the bed, my feet still on the floor. The silence crept in again. I took a deep breath and asked, “what’s your plan?” She shrugged and answered,
“I haven’t gotten that far yet.” I nodded and she laid back. She let out a deep breath and added, “what’s yours?” I shrugged, we laid there for a while in silence. We didn’t know where to go from here, we didn’t know how to even think of where to go. This wasn’t a normal situation, this wasn’t normal. She asked, “why are you going home?” I shrugged and answered,
“My family’s looking for me, I think that leaving might have been a mistake.” She nodded and I added, “maybe it’s where I belong.” She asked,
“What if it’s not?” I shrugged, she had a point, what if I don’t belong there? What if it’s not my place anymore? What if I go back and everything’s changed? I answered,
“I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” She nodded and we laid there. I could feel her arm brush against mine and it stayed there. I closed my eyes and for a minute I felt calm and safe. Then I felt guilty, I felt guilty for having feelings for Cassie. I moved my arm and sat up, I whispered, “I’m gonna sleep on the floor.” She rolled her eyes and asked,
“What the hell are you so afraid of?” I asked,
“What?” She stood up and yelled,
“The second we are having an actual moment, you freak out!” I shake my head and my eyes fall to my feet. She added, “you know what, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking someone could actually like me!” I shook my head and my eyes met hers. There were tears in her eyes. I walked towards her and whispered,
“That’s not it.” She rolled her eyes and I put my hand on her waist. I pulled her towards me and my eyes met hers. My lips brushed against hers, for a minute I felt it, I felt what I felt when I was with Addison. I felt that feeling in my stomach. I felt that flicker in my chest, I felt it. She pulled away but I didn’t want her to pull away. I pulled her waist towards me again, our lips met. Her soft lips brushed against mine. She pulled away and asked,
“What about our deal?” I shrugged and answered,
“I don’t know.” She shook her head and mumbled,
“Goddamnit Logan.” She sat on the bed and groaned. She added, “you’re messing with me man!” I put my hands up and said,
“I’m not messing with you!” She groaned again and yelled,
“You’re making this shit hard!” She took a deep breath and added, “you’re making it hard to not fucking like you!” She stood up and walked towards me. She asked, “what the fuck was that?” I shrugged and answered,
“I don’t know.” Her hands covered her face as she groaned. I took a step back and added, “I’m gonna go to the store, give you some time to cool off.” She shook her head and asked,
“Do you just run away from everything? You’re family, now me. It seems to me you’re a runner.” I shook my head. I wanted to say something back but I knew she was right. This whole time I’ve been running from the thought of being happy but I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to live in a world where there’s only misery, I don’t want to be a part of the suffering anymore. I got in the car but I never needed to go to the store, I just needed to clear my head. I needed to realize what I wanted, what I needed.
Five minutes pass, then ten, then twenty, and finally thirty. I still didn’t know what I wanted, it wasn’t really about what I wanted. I needed to think about what I needed because I needed to think about the future. I walked back to the room, and I stood outside of the door for a minute before turning the knob. I opened the door and I saw her reaction as I opened it. She turned to face me as she held the book up. The book, the notebook, the journal, the diary whatever you want to call it. She read it, she read the thing where I kept her. She read the one thing I had left of her. She read all the memories we had, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. She asked,
“Are you still in love with her?” At first her words didn’t register, at first I didn’t have an answer. She added, “your ex, Addison. Are you still in love with her?” I asked,
“How much did you read?” I look down at my feet. She whispered,
“Enough.” I shook my head as my eyes filled with tears. I kept my eyes at my feet and mumbled,
“If you read enough, you would know what happened to her.” I couldn’t bring my eyes to hers. I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t want to see the look in her eyes. I added, “you only read the first couple pages. How bout you skip to the end?” She shook her head and asked,
“When did you write all of this?” I shrugged and answered,
“In the car, I guess I got lost in it. I filled up the whole thing.” I took a deep breath and said, “but I think you need to read the last page.” She shook her head. I closed my eyes as I lifted her head. My eyes met hers as I took the notebook. I whispered, “just the last couple sentences.” She shook her head and I took a deep breath. I could barely see the words as tears glossed my eyes. I began, “the day you died, the day you told me to let you go was one of the worst things someone’s ever said to me. The fact that you looked me in the eyes and told me to let you go makes my stomach sick. Maybe I will always hate you for that but I know I will always hate myself more for letting you go but it’s time to let you go. So I end this journal with a goodbye that may be a wound that will never close, but I deserve to be happy even if your shadow follows.” I cleared my throat and added, “goodbye Addison.” She closed her eyes as tears ran down her face. She mumbled,
“I’m sorry.” I close the journal and toss it on the bed. I asked,
“What exactly are you sorry for? Reading the journal? Or assuming you have my whole life figured out?” I could hear my voice getting louder. I asked, “what the hell were you thinking?” She shrugged and answered,
“I don’t know!” I scoffed, I don’t think I was mad at her. I think I was mad at the fact that she felt she needed to read the journal. No, I was mad at her for reading it. She. Read. The. Journal.
21
We sat in silence, she sat on the bed. She didn’t say anything else, what could she say? I’m sorry for invading your privacy? I’m sorry for making you believe I could be trusted? I asked,
“Why’d you do it?” She shrugged and I added, “when you asked me in the car if you could read it, I said no. But you did it anyway.” She mumbled,
“I was upset, we just had a moment and you left. You just left.” I laughed and looked down at my feet. It wasn’t a funny laugh, more like a hurt laugh, like a I can’t believe you laugh. My head hung down. I asked,
“So it’s my fault? Is it my fault you read my journal?” She shook her head. I whispered, “that’s what it sounds like. It sounds like you’re trying to blame me.” She shook her head and whispered,
“I’m not trying to blame you, I was upset.” She stood up and her voice started getting louder. She added, “I wasn’t thinking but you don’t get to make me feel bad about that! You don’t get to guilt trip me for being upset!” I yelled,
“Well guess what, I do blame you! I blame you for reading the journal because you made me think I could trust you! You made me think I could be myself around you! You made me feel something!” I could see her flinch as my voice got louder, my voice was cracking as I yelled. My eyes were glossed with tears. I grabbed the journal from the bed and flipped through the pages, almost every page was full. Almost all of them, some were blank. I asked, “do you know why some are blank?” She shook her head. I answered, “eventually I’ll find the will power to finish the story but if I don’t, I guess the last page is good.” She nodded and asked,
“Who were you writing to?” I shrugged and answered,
“In the beginning I didn’t know, but the more I wrote the more I realized that I was writing everything I didn’t say to her.” I sat next to her on the bed. It was calm, I was still mad but she had questions and it didn’t matter how mad I was, she deserved answers. She mumbled,
“I’m sorry, I just don’t understand why it’s such a big deal!” I shook my head and said,
“If you were sorry you would understand!” I took a deep breath and yelled, “you would understand why it was so important for me to trust you! Since day one I’ve told you that I don’t trust easily or that I wasn’t looking for anything but you completely ignored that!” She stood up and yelled,
“I said I was sorry! I don’t know what you want me to say!” I rubbed my face and yelled,
“There’s nothing you can say! I don’t think you understand that, Cassie!” She yelled,
“Don’t fucking tell me what I don’t understand!” I groaned. She added, “listen, I am so sorry I read your journal but you were lying to me!” I walked towards her and yelled,
“Don’t do that! I have been honest since day one! I told you I wasn’t looking for anything! I told you I wasn’t ready!” She rolled her eyes. I held the notebook in front of me, rubbing my finger over the cover. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal, maybe I was overreacting. She asked,
“God! It’s just a stupid notebook! I apologized! What will it take for you to forgive me?” I shrugged, I didn’t know. Some things can’t be forgiven, they say forgive and forget but you never really forget. I answered,
“I don’t know if I can trust you.” She nodded, we stood in silence and we never made eye contact. I couldn’t look her in the eyes because the only thing I saw was her face when I walked in that door. She finally looked up at me as I stared out the window. She asked,
“Where do we go from here?” I shrugged. I handed her my phone and answered,
“You should call your parents, tell them where you are.” She shook her head. I added, “they’re probably worried about you.” She took the phone and just for a second our hands touched. For that second everything felt fine, everything felt normal but I couldn’t even look at her. She asked,
“What about us?” I could hear her voice crack as she talked. I answered,
“I don’t think there’s an us anymore. I don’t think there ever was, I think we wanted someone to make us feel comfortable so bad that we kinda just fell for each other. I think we both wanted a warm hug so we took the first one we could get.” She shook her head and asked,
“That’s it?” I shrugged, there wasn’t really anything else to say, I couldn’t think of an answer that would make her feel better. She broke my trust and I don’t know if I can look at her the same way. I rubbed my hands through my hair and answered,
“I guess.” She handed the phone back and said,
“I’ll figure a way home by myself.” She didn’t want to make the call, she didn’t want to go home. I walked towards the door, I didn’t want to leave her here but I don’t think I could look at her the same way. I nodded and said,
“Do you need a ride? To a train station or something?” She nodded, I didn’t want to leave her stranded. It doesn’t matter how mad I am, or how hurt. This someone’s daughter and I would never want someone to go through the same pain I did. I opened the door and we walked to the parking lot. We drove in silence, the silence and tension in the car was unbearable. She said,
“I’m sorry.” I nodded. I could feel her staring at me, I could feel her waiting for me to say something. I whispered,
“Yeah, I know.” I pulled up to a train station, it was small. One train, not many people walking in and out, definitely no platform nine and three quarters. She asked,
“So this is it?” I shrugged, she wanted me to grab her hand and say no. I wish I could but the thought of her reading about Addison and what I did made me scared enough to know not to stop her. I tried to fake a smile but I couldn’t. I cleared my throat and answered,
“Yeah I guess it is.” She took a deep breath and opened the car door. Before she got out she asked,
“Logan, can you do me a favor? You have no reason to but just hear me out.” I nodded. She began, “Logan, what I did was wrong and I know that. I am so sorry but now I know what happened and I think I know why you don’t open up. Keep writing, you’re really good. Even if you’re writing to her, just keep writing. I expect to see you on the shelves at Walmart or something. Maybe even shoot for Barnes and Nobles.” I nodded. This was the first time someone told me I was good at writing. Addison never said that. Maybe because I never had an actual reason to write. She leaned over to my ear and whispered, “goodbye Logan.” Pulling away from my ear she kissed me on the cheek. She smiled but I could see the tears in her eyes. I whispered,
“Goodbye Cassie.” I watched as she walked to the train, I watched as she walked out of my life. Maybe a part of me was sad but a bigger part of me knew I did the right thing. I knew that letting her go was the best thing for both of us, maybe we just weren’t meant to be. Maybe we were just two cars passing by.
22
I followed the directions back home. I drove for hours, I was eight hours in of a ten hour drive. With every mile I drove, the less I was sure I should do this. I wasn’t sure if I could face my parents, face her parents, face my teachers. Face anything, it was like I was the scared little boy who hid under his bed during thunderstorms. I wasn’t that boy anymore, or maybe we’re all our younger selves just putting on a brave face. Maybe we’re all very little in the times where we have to be big.
I drove for another hour before I started to fall asleep at the wheel. I pulled over but I didn’t sleep. I opened the book. I grabbed the pen from the glovebox and started writing. I wrote for what seemed like hours, I got lost in it. I got lost in the memories of Addison. I got lost in the love we used to have. I realized that this was not the end of the story, maybe the end of our story but I feel like I owe her. I feel like I owe it to her to keep writing about my life since she’s not here to live it. She won’t get to have a wedding or have a kid. Or even graduate highschool. Her life ended before it even began. I took a deep breath and tossed the notebook to the passenger seat.
I started driving again, I only had two hours left. I didn’t want to keep going but there was nowhere else to go. I had nowhere to go, with a missing persons report it seemed pointless to try to out run it. So I kept going, and going, and going until I reached my house. I parked outside, not in the driveway. I knocked on the door, I thought maybe if I ran, I could get in my car and speed away. As I went to turn around and go back to my car the door opened. I turned around and said,
“Hi mom.” She seemed scared, she seemed confused. She seemed like she didn’t just report me missing. We stood there in silence, in shock. She moved away from the door, enough for me to come inside. I sat on the couch, something about this couch seemed different. I didn’t seem familiar anymore. I asked, “where’s dad?” She stayed silent, she sat next to me and we still sat in silence. She answered,
“Your father had an accident.” My eyes darted to hers, her eyes were filled with tears. She added, “a work accident.” I shook my head and asked,
“He’s okay though, right?” Her eyes fell to her feet. I mumbled, “no, he’s fine.” Her eyes stayed at her feet. I asked, “Mom, he’s okay right?” In that moment of silence it felt like my world ended. It was a different kind of pain, not the same pain as Addison. I knew the look, I knew he was gone. In some way it didn’t feel the same as Addison’s death, it was worse. A thousand times worse. It felt like my soul was ripped from my body and stomped on. She shook her head, no words. Just a head shake. I stood up and paced around the room. I asked, “what happened?” She took a deep breath, her eyes still at her feet. She answered,
“He fell off the ladder, he didn’t get back up.” I shook my head, it’s the only thing I could do. I couldn’t form the words to protest with her. I couldn’t argue with her, I couldn’t accuse her of lying just because I was upset. I couldn’t cry because no tears would fall, I couldn’t mourn because I’ve barely mourned Addison. Yet there’s another funeral to go to, and another page to write. I sat next to my mother. I asked,
“When did this happen?” She closed her eyes as tears fell down her face. The wound was fresh, me being here just made things worse. She mumbled,
“Why’d you come back?” I shrugged, I didn’t know why. I didn’t want her to know the truth, I couldn’t tell her the truth. Was I supposed to tell her I came back because the person I had feelings for read my journal and couldn’t be trusted? Or the truth, I came back because I’m still not done mourning Addison? I answered,
“I don’t know.” I chose to lie, as always. I debated just running out the door and leaving again but now, I couldn’t leave. She got up from the couch and walked to the fridge. She grabbed a beer from the twelve pack in the fridge, except there wasn’t twelve anymore. There were only six left. I asked, “how many have you drank?” She shrugged, too ashamed to say it out loud. I knew that answer and she knew that I knew. I grabbed the beer from her hand gently. I whispered, “I think that’s enough for tonight.” She ripped it from my grasp and asked,
“You really think I need a kid telling me how to live?” She slurred as she spoke. I nodded and answered,
“Yeah mom, I think you do.” She rolled her eyes and took a swift chug. I asked, “where’s my brother, mom?” She pointed up the stairs. I walked up the stairs quietly, the whole floor was silent and pitch black. I knew my brother needed sound to sleep but there was no sound or light. I called, “Dylan?” No response. I walked into his bedroom and peeked in, it was so dark I couldn’t see a thing. I turned the light on and there he was, crying silently. I asked, “Dylan, buddy. You okay?” He looked up and a smile grew on his face. He wiped his tears and jumped in my arms. I hugged him and held him. I asked, “what’s wrong?” He had a bruise on his arm, I looked down and rage started to build. I took a deep breath, I had to control how I reacted. I asked, “what happened to your arm?” I could tell he was hesitant. I whispered, “it’s okay, you can tell me.” He answered,
“Mommy just gets so angry sometimes.” I nodded and sat him back on the bed. I could tell his mood change as I sat him on the bed. I turned on his TV but the screen was green. He whispered, “mommy broke it.” I nodded and scooped him up. I asked,
“How ‘bout me and you go on an adventure?” He smiled again and nodded. I held him as we walked down the stairs. My mother was still drinking beer. She made eye contact with me as I dug through the fridge. I put Dylan down and grabbed his hand. I grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge. I handed Dylan one and squatted down. I asked, “when was the last time you ate?” He shrugged. I nodded and grabbed a grocery bag from under the sink. I threw food in there, apples, string cheese, yogurt, anything that was easy to grab. My mother stumbled to the kitchen and asked,
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I tried to ignore her but the closer she got the harder Dylan gripped my hand. I answered,
“I’m taking him with me!” She shook her head and grabbed my arm as I tried to walk past her. I pulled my arm away and yelled, “don’t touch me! I am not one of your little toys you can push around! He is five years old! How could you do that to him!” She asked,
“What the hell are you talking about?” I walked closer to the door and answered,
“I saw the bruises! I’ll be back tomorrow for all his stuff.” She grabbed my arm and pleaded,
“Please don’t take him, I’ll be better I swear!” I shook my head and said,
“He can’t live like this, I don’t want him to see you like this.” I looked down and asked, “you ready?” He nodded and we walked outside. I took the car seat from the garage and put it inside the car. He climbed in the back seat and we left. I didn’t know where I was going, there wasn’t really any where I had to go. I just knew I had to get him out of that house. I couldn’t let him become something like our mother. I watched him through the rear view mirror, he started to fall asleep, I’m guessing for the first time in a while.
I smiled knowing he was safe, I smiled knowing I would take care of him. I would always take care of him.
23
I drove for what seemed like hours, but it wasn’t. I drove for twenty minutes. It just felt like hours because my mind was filled with anger and rage. I took a deep breath as I drove, I had to focus on him. I needed to keep him safe. I pulled up at a local hotel, just for tonight. I scooped Dylan out of the car seat and walked to the front entrance. I smiled at the lady at the front desk. I asked,
“Is there any chance I can get a room, just for one night?” She typed on her computer and nodded. She answered,
“We have one room available for fifty dollars a night.” I nodded and handed her the fifty dollar bill. I walked up the stairs to the second floor and unlocked the door. The room was small, the black curtains blocking the street light. The white bed sheets are nicely pressed. I laid Dylan on the bed and watched him as he continued to sleep. I opened the notebook and continued to write. Every now and then I would look over at the time. I started writing at 10:30 p.m, I got lost in my feelings. I got lost in my writing and the last time I checked the time it was 1:03 a.m, I laid my jacket along with the notebook on the chair next to the bed. I laid next to Dylan on the bed and eventually I fell asleep.
I dreamed for the first time in a while but it wasn’t about Addison. It was about Cassie, and our kiss. It was about how soft her lips were and how effortlessly good that kiss was. How it felt when I grabbed her waist and pulled her towards me. It was about how good it was going before she read the notebook, it was about how I pulled away when she read it. How I pulled away first, I dreamed about how I always ruin anything good.
My thoughts woke me up, it wasn’t really a dream anymore. It was more like thoughts, thoughts about Cassie. Things I should have told Cassie, things I should’ve let go of. When I woke up Dylan was still sleeping, he was peaceful, he was okay. I grabbed my jacket and my notebook. I scooped him up and walked back to the car. He still slept as I scooped him up. He was smiling in his sleep or he was fake sleeping. I looked down at him and I knew that I had to be there for him, I have to be the one he turns to. I am the one he will turn to. I placed him in the car seat and we drove back to the house. I had to get his stuff but when we pulled up at the house police officers swarmed. I ran in the house and asked,
“What the hell is going on?” One officer pushed me outside. I couldn’t see my mom. I yelled, “don’t touch me! This is my house!” The officer asked,
“This is your house?” I nodded. The officer added, “son, why don’t you sit down?” I could tell something was coming, I knew the look. I asked,
“What happened?” The officer answered, “We found a woman in the kitchen with cuts on their wrists. She called the ambulance herself before she slit her wrists.” I took a deep breath and asked,
“Is she alive?” The officer answered,
“When we got to the scene she lost a lot of blood but it was manageable. An ambulance took her to the hospital. She was stable when she entered the ambulance, that’s all we know.” I nodded and walked back to the car. I tried to keep myself under control but all these emotions were running wild. Anger, rage, fear, and sadness. They were all rotating around my brain. Dylan woke up as I drove. He asked,
“Where are we going?” I pulled over and turned around. I answered,
“Something is happening to mommy, she’s okay but she may have to go away for a while but I promise you that I will take care of you.” His eyes were glossed with tears as he nodded. I placed my hand on his knee and added, “I want you to know that I’m always gonna be here for you. And none of this is your fault.” I knew he didn’t understand but he needed to know that he might not see her for a while. She needs help and I’m going to make sure she gets it, whether or not she wants to admit it. I continued to drive to the hospital, gripping the steering wheel as hard as I could to stop myself from screaming.
When we got to the hospital I felt scared. As a kid I was always scared of hospitals but it never occured to me that maybe some of our fears as kids continue as adults. I was anxious to see her, to see her after she tried to kill herself. The nurse gave us her room number and Dylan tightened his grip on my hand. He was scared but so was I. Seeing her in that hospital bed made me sick, it made my stomach turn. She was still unconscious, but seeing her hooked up to all those machines made it all seem real. It made everything click, this was real life. People die in school shootings or they die by falling off ladders. Or they try to kill themselves, this is our reality. Sorry to say it but not everything is puppies and rainbows, as much as we’d like to think that everything is perfect it’s not.
We sat in the room until she woke up but it seemed like hours. Just sitting in that room, watching her barely even breath by herself made me realize that life’s too short. Life is too short to spend your day moping because you feel sorry for yourself or being sad over things you can’t control. Life is too damn short to push things off until tomorrow. Life is too short to not take risks, life is too short to not spend time with your loved ones. Above all, life is too unpredictable. We could all die tomorrow, knock on wood we don’t but we could. It’s just a matter of time before we all bite the dust so tell your crush how you feel or go skydiving, do whatever you want! Don’t let the fear stop you from living, you only get one shot.
All these thoughts are running through my head, it feels like my head is about to explode but then she wakes up. She wakes up and she looks around, I know who she’s looking for and it wasn’t me.
24
I smiled at her as she woke up, she’s still looking around. Looking for someone, looking for him. She asked,
“Where’s your father?” I closed my eyes, she doesn’t remember, she doesn’t know. I have to be the one to tell her, I have to be the one to tell her that her husband is dead, the father of her children, the love of her life is gone. This situation feels oddly familiar and that’s the part that’s killing me. The part that she’s going to feel what I felt the day Addison died. The part where she won’t get out of bed until someone drags her out. The part where she won’t find happiness until god knows when. The part where I have to be the one to tell her. I answered,
“Mom, he was in an accident.” She shook her head, my heart and voice broke as I spoke. I added, “in a work accident, he fell off a ladder.” She continued to shake her head as she cried. She yelled,
“Get out! Please, just get out!” I closed my eyes and took her hand and I whispered,
“It’s gonna be okay!” She shook her head and whispered,
“Please, just go.” I could hear her voice breaking and I could feel her heart breaking. I nodded and grabbed Dylan’s hand. We walked out of the hospital, seeing her cry over him. Seeing her in emotional and physical pain made me upset. She needed help and I was going to get that for her, I was going to get her help. When we got in the car Dylan asked,
“What’s wrong with mommy?” I turned around and smiled, I tried to give him comfort but maybe comfort isn’t always what we need. I answered,
“Mommy’s a little sick right now, buddy. But I promise she’s gonna be okay.” He nodded and we drove around for hours. It felt like we were driving in circles, and maybe we were. My phone rang and it was an unknown number. The first time I let it ring but after the third time I answered, “hello?” The voice answered,
“Hey stranger.” I knew that voice anywhere, I knew who that was. I asked,
“Cassie?” The voice asked,
“Did you miss me?” A wave of relief washes over me. I asked,
“How did you get my number?” She answered,
“I have my ways.” I smiled and I’m glad she couldn’t see me smiling. I asked,
“Where are you? It sounds loud.” She answered,
“Why? You gonna come find me?” I laughed and she added, “luckily for you, you don’t have to look that far.” I asked,
“What do you mean?” She whispered,
“Turn around.” My heart started racing, my chest started to hurt. I turned around slowly and there she was, standing in front of me. I smiled and she walked over to me, she smiled. I missed her smile, the smile that could light up a whole room. She hugged me and squatted down to Dylan. She asked, “and who is this?” I answered,
“This is Dylan, my little brother.” She smiled and stuck her hand out for Dylan. She whispered,
“I’m Cassie.” I asked,
“How did you get here, how did you know where I was?” She answered,
“I have my ways.” She smiled and for a second everything seemed right. Everything seemed like it was meant to be. She asked, “so I guess the runaway team is back together?” I laughed and asked,
“Is that what we’re calling it? The runaway team?” She smiled and answered,
“It has a nice ring to it, The runaway team. I could see it in lights, maybe as a movie!” I put my arm around her and said,
“Keep dreaming.” She smiled and we walked back to the car. I guess I forgive her. After everything that happened in these two days, I realized that life is too short for grudges. She asked,
“So is that a yes?” I asked,
“What?” She rolled her eyes, I knew exactly what she was talking about. I knew what she wanted me to say. I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “absolutely.” She smiled, I turned her face towards mine and my lips brushed against hers. This time no one pulled away. Her soft lips brushed against mine, it felt natural, it felt new. She pulled away and asked,
“What about our deal?” I shook my head and asked,
“What deal?” She rolled her eyes again as I smiled. She pushed my shoulder and said,
“You know what deal!” I took a deep breath and said,
“I wanna try this.” She smiled but I knew she was trying to hide it. She asked,
“Are you serious?” I nodded, and she smiled. It felt good to finally feel something again, to feel like that again. She asked, “why are we sitting in a hospital parking lot?” I took a deep breath and answered,
“My mom tried to kill herself.” I said in a tone that seemed like this is my everyday life. She took a deep breath and said,
“I am so sorry.” I took a deep breath and looked back at Dylan, he climbed in the car and he was starting to fall asleep. I whispered,
“Last night I came home and he had bruises all over his arms.” She shook her head in sadness. I kept looking at him, I had to give him a better life. He deserved a real chance, a chance to not end up like everyone in this town. She asked,
“Is she okay?” I answered,
“She’s breathing.” She nodded, I put the keys in and pulled out of the hospital’s parking lot. We drove around town, this place didn’t feel familiar anymore. I didn’t know where to go, or what to do. This is the place that teenagers usually run from when they’re old enough. I did run but it seems that my roots are planted here, and they’re too strong to cut. Somehow and some way I will always be drawn back to this place, I just have to accept that.
Home is where the heart is, right? Maybe this is where my heart lays, where it lays broken in a million little pieces. Shattered and spread across the floor of my high school. Ironic how the world works, isn’t it?
25
We drove around for hours, well what felt like hours. The whole town was quiet, quieter than normal. She asked,
“Should we go back to the hospital?” I shook my head and continued to drive. She asked, “is your dad at the hospital with her?” I shook my head and answered,
“He’s dead. Funny thing is that I wasn’t even around when it happened.” She touched my shoulder and she whispered,
“It’s all gonna be okay.” I shook my shoulder to get her hand off and yelled,
“No, it’s not gonna be okay! Nothing is ever okay, not in my world!” I couldn’t explain to her anymore that my life is messy and sad. I’ve been trying to explain that to her, but it doesn’t seem to click. She said,
“It will be, we’re gonna fix this!” I exclaimed,
“That’s the problem, you wanna fix it! It can’t be fixed, I can’t be fixed! You can’t fix me! Cassie, I can’t be fixed, this is my life! It’s messy and complicated and death seems to follow!” She shook her head and said,
“Logan, I’m not trying to fix you!” I could feel it, I felt her trying to fix me. My mind was telling me she was trying to fix me, I felt it. I shook my head and whispered,
“I can feel it, I can feel you judging me!” She shook her head and asked,
“Are you okay?” I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, I felt mad and upset. I could tell she was trying to fix me, she was trying to change me. My foot pressed harder on the gas. She yelled, “Logan, slow down!” I shook my head, I could hear ringing in my ears. My head was pounding, my hands were sweating, I couldn’t see anything. All I felt was rage, I couldn’t focus on her. She yelled again, “Slow the hell down!” I looked at her, I saw the fear in her eyes. Suddenly the ringing and the pounding stopped. I pressed my foot on the brake, I couldn’t wrap my head around what just happened. I just saw the fear on her face. My hands were shaking, my whole body shook in fear. It was like I was outside of my body, like it wasn’t me. I looked behind me, Dylan was crying but I couldn’t hear him at that moment, I couldn’t hear anything but my thoughts. She asked, “What the hell were you thinking?” I shook my head and answered,
“I don’t know.” The truth is I wasn’t, I couldn’t think, I just stomped on the gas and let my emotions take control. I couldn’t see anything, hear anything, feel anything. She opened the car door and stepped outside of the car. She stood in front of her door and lit a cigarette. I looked over at Dylan and asked, “are you okay?” He nodded but I could see the fear in his eyes, he wasn’t responding. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the seat. I opened my door and walked to where Cassie was standing. I took the cigarette from her hand and put it in my mouth. I blew out a cloud of smoke and announced, “I think something’s wrong with me.” I felt as her eyes scanned my body. She blew out a cloud of smoke and said,
“That’s not the first time something like this has happened, it happened in Texas too.” I nodded, it did. It keeps happening, I have these thoughts that make me angry and I just let it run wild. In those moments it doesn’t matter who I hurt or what happens because it just feels like I’m not in control. I took a deep breath and said,
“I’m sorry.” She shrugged and said,
“We all do stupid shit when we’re mad or upset.” I shook my head and said,
“That’s not an excuse.” She shrugged. It seemed like she didn’t want me to break, it felt like she was saying the right thing so I didn’t freak out. So I didn’t cause another episode, it felt like she was being cautious and she shouldn’t have to be. She threw her cigarette out into the grassy area in front of us. I asked, “where to next?” She shrugged and answered,
“Wherever the road takes us.” I smiled, we got back in the car but it was silent. There wasn’t anything to fill the silence with. I think she was still scared that I would break and honestly I might. I took a deep breath and tried to focus on the road but my eyes kept lingering on her. Every time I looked at her she was looking out the window, deep in thought. I said,
“We have to go back to my house to get Dylan’s stuff.” She asked,
“So are you gonna be the one taking care of Dylan? Like full time?” I shrugged, I didn’t think that far ahead. I just knew he needed to get out of that house, I couldn’t let him be a part of that lifestyle. It was a trap, a trap that’s too hard to get out of. There’s two ways to get to my house from here, there’s a way that’s long and a way that’s short. The short way goes past something that I’m not ready to face. The long way it is. As I drove, the car was still silent, you could hear a pin drop or whatever that saying was. The only thing I can hear are my thoughts and from my experience that usually ends badly. I asked,
“Do you think it’s stupid for me to take him?” I look at Dylan through the rear view mirror. He’s sound asleep. She shrugged and answered,
“I think you mean well and I think you wanna help but I don’t think you can take care of him.” I nodded, it made sense. I didn’t have a job, a house. We couldn’t live in hotels for the rest of our lives. I didn’t know the first thing about being a parent. She added, “I know you want to help but I don’t think you can.” I shook my head and said,
“I won’t let him go back there, not alone.” We pulled in the driveway, my mother sat on the porch step. I whispered, “stay here.” I took a deep breath and got out of the car. I walked to the porch and sat beside her. She sat there and watched as the cars drove by. She muttered,
“I used to sit here every night. Your father and I would be up for hours after we put you to sleep. We’d sit here and talk every night.” I smiled and asked,
“What did you talk about?” She smiled at the thought of him. She answered,
“How we would grow old together, how he was gonna build a porch swing so we could be that old couple who watched all the kids play on the sidewalk.” Her smile fades and so does mine. She added, “we were gonna watch them draw with chalk and remember you boys.” Tears streamed down her face, I wrapped my arm around her and said,
“I know.” She cried as I hugged her. I looked down at her bandaged wrists. For a minute it felt like how it used to be, when everything was okay. When nothing ever happened in this small town. I asked, “why did you do it?” She looked up through the tears and answered,
“I don’t know.” I nodded and pulled her up slowly. I sat her on the couch and asked,
“Are you hungry?” It killed me to be back in this house, it killed me to act like everything was fine but she’s my mom, she’s the one who took care of me when I was sick. I couldn’t just abandon her, I couldn’t walk away. She shook her head. I walked upstairs to my room. I looked around and I saw it, I saw the one thing that always stayed the same. The stars above my bed, I took the big one but the little ones were still scattered across the ceiling. They didn’t glow that well anymore but just enough to see. I smiled at it, it was like a sign to keep going, a sign to not give up. I took a deep breath and walked to Dylan’s room, grabbing anything I could. Clothes, a couple stuffed animals, and anything else. I walked downstairs to get a trash bag and my mother held a lighter in one hand and lighter fluid in the other. I asked, “what are you doing?” She shook her head and answered,
“There’s nothing left, nothing is left!” I walked towards her and said,
“Mom, there is stuff left, you just have to see it! You have to open your eyes.” She squirted the couch in lighter fluid. It squirted on my arm, squirted on my shirt. I yelled, “stop! Think about Dylan!” She stopped for a second and whispered,
“He’ll be fine, he has you.” I shook my head and said,
“A boy needs his mother! He needs you, I can’t take care of him!” She shook her head and said,
“I know you can, you have to. He deserves someone to love him!” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“Please don’t do this!” She yelled,
“Logan, you need to go! Get out!” She was screaming, she was in pain. She needed help. I shook my head and yelled,
“I’m not going anywhere!” She yelled,
“Logan, please just go!” Her voice broke as she yelled but she didn’t stop squirting the liquid. I shook my head and yelled,
“I’m not leaving you! Dad wouldn’t want this!” She looked at me, with a look of disgust. She yelled,
“Logan, just go!” I shook my head and watched as she played with the lighter. I asked,
“So what’s the ending to this?” I added, “we just blow up?” I shrugged and said, “wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, actually.” She rolled her eyes. I asked, “what? Oh come on, you know it’s what you want. Just to be gone, no pain and to just be with him.” Her face went blank. I added, “I’ve been you, hell I am you.” She took a deep breath and asked,
“Why are you willing to die?” I answered,
“Because you’re my mom and as fucked up as this seems, I am you. I was you, and it goes up from here, I got a pretty great girl out in that car and I’m standing here covered in lighter fluid. If you were anyone else I wouldn’t have stayed in here, you might not have been the greatest mom but you’re still my mom.” She shook her head and said,
“It’s not worth it without him.” I nodded and said,
“I know it feels that way but it is worth it. In the end you’ll realize that it’s worth it.” She shakes her head and yelled,
“I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna light this place on fire!” I nodded and sat on the couch covered in lighter fluid. I said,
“Then do it, come on.” She expected me to run the other way, I knew what she expected. I sat there. We might fight like cats and dogs but she is my mother and I refuse to leave her. Then the light from the lighter flickered, now I wish I left.
26
I grabbed the blanket from the chair next to the couch. I wrapped her in the blanket, hoping the fire on her body would go out. My arm was covered in burns, I couldn’t look at it. All the fire around us, everything was burning, the couch, the ground, us. I put the fire out on our bodies and I carried her to the door. My arms were covered in blisters, when we reached the door the handle was hot. The handle was hot and the fire was spreading.
I closed my eyes, I prepared myself for grabbing the door knob. I prepared for the burning and how bad it would feel when I grabbed it. I took a deep breath and held my breath, hoping that holding my breath might mask the pain. I placed my hand on the knob and let my breath out as I groaned in pain. I opened the door and carried her out the door, I collapsed on the front lawn. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t catch my breath. My body ached and burned, I heard footsteps running towards me. Cassie crouched down and yelled,
“Logan!” I could barely hear her, her voice was fuzzy, my eyes couldn’t focus on her. My eyes got so heavy that I couldn’t keep them open. I couldn’t hear anything, I couldn’t feel anything. It was pitch black, I knew I wasn’t conscious. I knew it didn’t look good. I woke up in a hospital bed, my arms bandaged and my head stitched. I looked around and saw Cassie sitting beside the bed, Dylan next to her. She whispered, “Logan?” Just the tone of her voice I knew. I asked,
“She’s dead, isn’t she?” She closed her eyes as she nodded. I said, “that’s three people in less than six months, that’s gotta be some kinda record.” She touched my hand, I could barely feel it, it was still a little numb. I could feel Cassie staring at me. I added, “does this count as a date?” I smiled and she laughed. I needed to hear her laugh, I needed to hear something good. She answered,
“It depends, who’s paying the bill?” I laughed and answered,
“The government hopefully.” She shook her head and smiled. She said,
“It’s not a date then.” I shrugged and turned to Dylan. I asked,
“You okay, buddy?” He nodded. I could tell by the look in his eyes he was scared. I smiled and nudged my head towards the hospital bed. He climbed on the bed beside me. I held him in my arms, he was staring at the bandages on my forearms. I added, “they’re just little burns, it’s okay.” He nodded and fell asleep in my arms, this was the reason I was here. To protect him, to make sure he has a better life than I have. He deserved better, he deserved to feel loved and even though his parents are gone I’m still here and as long as I’m alive I’m going to love him.
I smiled at Cassie but her eyes were focused on my bandages. She asked,
“Why didn’t you walk out?” I answered,
“Because she’s my mom.” It was silent for a minute. I added, “was.” I took a deep breath, she was my mom. I should’ve left, I knew that but I couldn’t leave her. I didn’t leave her, but it seems that wasn’t enough. It seems like nothing’s enough, it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s just not enough. Cassie mumbled,
“I think I need to go home.” Her eyes were looking at the ground, her head hanging down. I asked,
“Why?” I knew the answer but I needed to hear her say it. She answered,
“Logan, danger follows you. I don’t wanna be caught in the crossfire.” She didn’t even look at me. I asked,
“So that’s it? You come all the way back here, say you wanna be with me and when I agree you just say you’re leaving?” She stood up and asked,
“Did you forget the part where you almost blew up?” I yelled,
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” She yelled,
“Everything!” The room went quiet. She added, “you always pick someone else, and you always will.” I shook my head and she added, “first it was Addison, then your mom. Logan, you were gonna die and just leave me and Dylan!” Our eyes met and the pain in her eyes was clear as day. She added, “I won’t be a second choice, I won’t be someone waiting for you to see if you're alive.” I yelled,
“You’re not a second choice. Damn Cassie, are you really that insecure?” She walked towards the bed and yelled,
“I am not insecure! I just don’t want a boyfriend who runs towards danger! You almost blew up Logan, like you could’ve actually blew up!” I shook my head, she added, “and you write love letters to your ex! I’m sorry if I’m not down for that!” I shook my head and yelled,
“You’re the one who told me to keep writing!” I added, “they’re not love letters!” She sat back in the chair and asked,
“Okay Logan, then what are they?” I looked down at the bandages at my arm. I answered,
“They’re memories.” She rolled her eyes. I took a deep breath and added, “Cassie, I didn’t break up with her. She died and I didn’t get the chance to let her go, we didn’t break up. The day she died we were together, we were happy. So forgive me if I can’t let her go because I didn’t expect to have to.” She shook her head and asked,
“Then why are we trying to be in a relationship?” I took a deep breath and answered,
“Because I’m not in love with her anymore, yeah I love her and I probably always will but I’m not in love with her.” She asked,
“Are you in love with me?” I closed my eyes, I couldn’t give her an answer. I wanted to scream, yes, of course I am! I knew that I couldn’t do that because I don’t think I am. I answered,
“I don’t know.” She nodded and she didn’t make eye contact again. I couldn’t tell her I loved her, I couldn’t because I don’t think I do and I don’t know if I ever can be in love with someone else.
27
The room was silent, Dylan was sleeping in my arms and Cassie was silently sitting in the chair. Cassie asked,
“Do you think you’ll ever be in love with me?” I tried to think but I knew I couldn’t lie to her. I answered,
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love with someone else.” She rolled her eyes and asked,
“But you're not in love with her?” With her, maybe I am still in love with her. Maybe I will always be in love with her. I answered,
“Maybe I am.” She nodded, I took a deep breath and the room fell silent again. She stood up and walked towards the door. I whispered, “wait.” She turned her head towards me slowly. She shook her head and reached for the door knob. I whispered, “please, just stop.” She turned around and yelled,
“Why? Because you’re scared of being alone? Logan, you don’t wanna love me. You just don’t wanna be alone!” I shook my head and said,
“That’s not true!” She asked,
“Then why haven’t you tried to be with me?” I shook my head and answered,
“It’s not that easy!” She turned to grab the door knob again and I added, “Maybe you’re right, maybe I don’t wanna be alone because I don’t wanna be the reason this kid has a screwed up life. Maybe I don’t wanna be alone because then it’s just me.” She turned around to face me, my eyes were glossed. She smiled and said,
“You’re gonna do good. You’re gonna give him a chance, a real chance. You just gotta trust yourself.” I shook my head, maybe she was right. She was right about the part of not wanting to be alone, but not about the part of not wanting to be with her. I want to be with her, but I can’t, I just can’t. She took a deep breath and asked, “did that kiss mean anything?” I looked down. I wanted to say yes, I wanted to tell her I was in love with her, I wanted to but I couldn’t. I answered,
“I once promised you that I would never lie to you.” I could see her expression change but the truth is, I was lying. I needed to make her hate me because it would be easier for her to let go. She shook her head and said,
“Look me in my eyes and tell me it didn’t mean anything.” Her eyes were filled with tears. I looked at her, it was quiet for a while but I said,
“The kiss in the car meant nothing.” I could feel her starting to cry. I added, “that kiss in the motel room, didn’t mean anything either.” She shook her head and whispered,
“Stop.” I shook my head and exclaimed,
“You wanted this Cassie! You wanted me to tell the truth well here it is, I don’t love you! Cassie, I don’t think I ever will!” She shook her head and yelled,
“Stop, Logan! Just stop!” She sat back in the chair and put her hands to her face. I needed her to hate me, hate me enough to leave because if I hurt her, if something happened to her I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I said,
“Cassie, I could never love you. Not the way you need me to.” She stared at me. Her face had disgust written all over it. Tears streamed down her face and said,
“Yeah, you made that loud and clear.” She walked to the door and before she left she added, “if you keep feeling guilty, it’s gonna eat you alive.” I nodded and watched her walk away again and once again it was my fault, but somehow I was okay with that. She deserved better even if that wasn’t me. I wanted what was best for her and I knew as long as she thought we had a future, the longer she would wait to be happy.
Now it was just him and I. Now, it’s time to get serious. It’s time to get a job, get a house, get a dog, maybe. I got up, my arms were still sore but I needed to get out of this hospital. I needed to get out of this place because as long as I sat here I thought of my mom. I thought of how we were both in that house but she’s the one who died, she was the one who was gone.
I signed the discharge papers, I couldn’t stay in this hospital anymore. I couldn’t be there anymore. I shook Dylan’s shoulder and smiled, he groaned. I carried him to the car and drove back to the house. The doctor’s said my burns weren’t that bad but my mom got too much smoke in her lungs. Some of that was most likely cigarettes but I had to believe she was in a better place. I had to believe it because that was the only thing that could keep me going. We drove back to the house, to see the damages. I got anxious driving back there, my chest got tight, my hands got sweaty. I couldn’t catch my breath, I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I pulled over and tried to catch my breath. Dylan woke up when I pulled the car over. I stepped outside of the car.
I don’t think going back to the house was the reason. I think the reason was because I lied. I lied. I’m in love with her, I love her. I love her in a way I could never love Addison, I love her because she’s not Addison. I love her because she’s Cassie. I love Cassie. I want Cassie. I want to be with Cassie. What if it was too late? What if I lost her for good? What if she never wants to see me again? I didn’t care, I needed her. I don’t want her to hate me, I want her to know that I love her. I want her to know that she is nothing like Addison, she is Cassie and I love Cassie.
28
I got back in the car and took a deep breath. Dylan asked,
“What’s wrong?” I shook my head, how was I supposed to tell a five year old I was in love with a girl that I just told I would never love her? I turned on the car and turned around, I knew where I was going, I knew where I needed to go. I knew what I needed to do, I knew where she’d be. I drove to the only bus station in town. At this moment I thank god we were in a small town. I sped all the way there, Dylan’s face had fear but excitement written all over it. When we got to the bus station where she was, she sat on the bench. She waited for the bus, I opened the door and I debated on not going up to her. I debated on watching as the bus came and picked her up. For a slight second I wondered what our lives would be like if we'd never met. What it would be like if Addison was still here, what it would be like if I never left.
I wondered how our lives would play out if she was just a bartender and if I was just a kid wanting a drink. If I was just a kid without everything else, if I was just a kid she wouldn’t have served me and I wouldn’t have gotten drunk. She wouldn’t have had to drive me home. We wouldn’t have spent time together. We wouldn’t have been in this situation. I opened the door and I stepped outside, I walked to the bench and grabbed her hand. She asked,
“What are you doing here?” I pulled her up by her hand and whispered,
“Shut up.” I pulled her by her waist closer to me. My lip brushed against hers. She pulled away and asked,
“What are you doing?” I smiled and answered,
“I want you, Cassie. I wanna be with you. Through sickness and in health, and all that bullshit. I wanna be with you.” She shook her head and before she could say anything I added, “I lied, I am in love with you. I’m in love with you because you’re Cassie. I’m in love with you because you’re not Addison.” She shook her head again and I added, “I have a habit of self sabotaging things and I have to work on that but Cassie, this might be the realest thing I ever felt. This right here, in this moment is the realest thing I’ve ever had. I know that I hurt you and I wanna make that up to you everyday for the rest of my life. I wanna be the person you wake up to everyday and I wanna tell you how beautiful you are.” She smiled and everything fell into place. She interrupted,
“Shut up.” She cupped my face and her lips brushed up against mine. I looked back at the car and saw Dylan staring out the window. I smiled and asked,
“Me, you, and Dylan?” She smiled and answered,
“Forever.”
Epilogue
Two years later…
A pillow hits my face as I’m sleeping. She smiled as I opened my eyes. I groaned, she sat on top of me with a huge smile on her face. I asked,
“What?” She pulls something from behind her back. She flips it around and my eyes focus on the two lines. I took the stick and smiled, the lines were faint. I asked, “seriously?” She smiled and nodded. My hands covered my face. I couldn’t help but smile. I asked, “I’m gonna be a dad?” She nodded, tears filled her eyes. I grabbed her by her waist and pulled her towards me. My lips brushed against hers. I hear footsteps coming from the hallway. A voice asked,
“Did you tell him yet?” I looked at Dylan then back at Cassie. I asked,
“You told him before me?” She smiled and answered,
“I was so excited, he was in the next room. I had to say something!” I smiled and asked,
“Were gonna be parents?” She smiled and nodded. At that moment nothing else mattered, no one else mattered. Only the four of us, it was just the four of us. I smiled, it was hard not to smile. Dylan crawled into bed next to us. Cassie wrapped her arms around him. She asked,
“Are you ready to be an uncle?” He looked up at Cassie and nodded. Everything was perfect, better than perfect. For a while I never thought I would get this. I never thought I would be in a house that I pay for and with a family that I made. I never thought I would have this, a girlfriend, a kid, a family. I asked,
“Marry me?” She smiled and asked,
“What?” I smiled and answered,
“Marry me. Let’s get married.” She smiled and nodded. She covered her mouth and whispered,
“Of course I’ll marry you!” This time she kissed me. Our whole relationship has waited for this, I’ve waited for this moment my whole life and it was worth it. It was worth every second of pain because now I get a lifetime of happiness. I couldn’t have done this without all the pain, you need the pain to keep living. You have to remember people when they're gone. I had to remember Addison while she was gone, I had to remember her to grow.
We sat in the bed for a while, we stayed there trying to wrap our heads around becoming parents. This may be the end of this story but it’s not the end of my story. It’s not the end for me but maybe just for you. We sat there and for the first time in a while I was happy. I was finally happy, finally at peace with the idea of falling in love again. I did that, I fell in love again. This time it’ll be different, this time it’s forever.
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