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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Teens
- Theme: Love stories / Romance
- Subject: Death / Heartbreak / Loss
- Published: 12/23/2022
Fade Away...
Born 2005, M, from Muscat, OmanRyder’s Perspective…
“This is it… Your final year. One more year. You got this Ryder, don’t you?”
I looked at my reflection with a sense of worry and splashed water onto my face before walking out to grab my backpack. Before leaving for the bus, a folded-up piece of paper caught my attention. “Ah yes, my bucket list,” I reminded myself and folded it in my pocket.
This year there’s only one objective- to get a girl. If this is going to be my final year, I’m going to experience the beauty of the world of romance before departing.
Times have been demanding since the doctors diagnosed me with hemophilia.
I remember the distorting background and my shocked parents when the doctors told me I have at most a year left to live. A real Fault in the Stars vibe if you tell me. I remember looking at the mirror as the waterworks began.
“Nah, chief. This ain’t the moment to cry. You gotta hold it in. There’s always gonna be something worse than death to cry over… isn’t there?”
The emotionless stare of my reflection held its tears back as I forced a smile onto my face. The news hit my mom and dad worse than I thought.
They’d spend sleepless nights surfing the net and making calls to see if there was a solution. But after a while, I had to step in and tell them that there was no stopping this. This was happening. Mother was in denial. Father was extremely sad but he didn’t dishearten mother by showing his emotions because he knows that the sight of him crying will further weaken her. I sat down with the two of them and talked this through.
“How are you so calm right now? Aren’t you worried one bit?” My mother’s daunting words echoed.
“I… I-I don’t know. I guess every time I think about it, I think of the life I’ve lived. And I’ve lived a good one. And perhaps my time wasn't meant to last. If God willed it to be like that… then so be it,”
Over time, I’ve managed to get them both off of this topic to get them back to their previous happy version. But as time runs out, I fear that my attempts will be futile. One day, I’ll be waking up not knowing if I’ve run out of time or not… Mark my words, that moment is going to be the scariest moment of your life.
As I walked over to the bus, I made eye contact with Selena, the cute girl I’ve had my eye on for quite some time. She’s perky and cute. The way she talks always gets my heart. I walked up to her and sat down beside her.
“Selenaaa,”
“Ryderrrr,”
“So what’s up?”
“You know what’s up,” I gave her my signature puppy eyes.
“Oh, honey… My answer remains the same. I’m not looking for a boyfriend right now.
“Oh come on… why not? Why are you not interested?”
“Ryder. Love isn’t everything. Being in a relationship isn’t all that matters,”
“Why not? You tell this to me every single time but you never give me an answer,”
She looked at me with those eyes… And a smile so endearing followed by a chuckle.
“When you grow old, you look back into the life you’ve lived. And you realize that this high school love barely constituted a part of it. It’s good to be in love. But not good to let it consume you and deviate you from everything else,”
“It’s tough, you know. Everywhere I go, I see a couple holding hands and being all romantic. Even the clapped ones are seemingly getting action. When I see that, I wonder what it must feel like. And not feeling that amongst the people who feel that makes me feel aloof,”
She held my hand. Her warm touch rushed the adrenaline in me but at the same time made me feel safe.
“That’s your impulse taking over. You have a lot to live for, don’t you? Trust me… when the time is right, the right girl will come to you instead of you going behind her. Have faith in time,”
If only she knew time abandoned me long ago. If only she knew I would cease to exist within months. Should I let her know? Is it time for me to tell everyone? If I do, I’ll be treated with pity and obligation and that’s the last thing I want.
I looked at her with a smile. She leaned in to hug me. That feeling you get when your crush hugs you… your soul separates itself from the body to watch it all from another perspective to register the memory. Your heart disconnects from the brain, losing the sense of what’s real and what’s not. Logic ceases to exist. Your emotions go on overdrive. It’s a blissful feeling indeed.
The bus halted. We’ve arrived. As I walked through the pathways decked with Christmas decorations, the sight of couples befell my eyes. Looking at them made me laugh on the outside. Their over-expression of love for each other always cringes me out. We get it… you love him. Jeez. But then there’s a small part of me wondering if I’ll ever get to feel this cringe stuff.
The bell rang. It was lunchtime. Classes were boring as usual. I went ahead and grabbed a tray from the cafeteria and stood in line. But on seeing the same food, I kept the tray back and went over to the vending machine to grab a peanut bar.
The bell rang again. Classes continued to be boring. Mr. Sanchez’s attempt to liven up the class through his horrible attempts at comedy is the only thing that keeps me awake.
On my way to my locker, I bumped into a girl. Weirdly enough, I didn’t recognize her. She had bangs and rich black eyes. Her books dropped on the floor. I told her sorry and bent down to pick them up. After handing them over, the least I expected was a smile and a thank you. But nope. She turned around and walked away. How hard is it to say a simple thanks? It’s good that I didn’t recognize her. Anyways, as I continued to walk on over to my locker, I looked at her once again to check which class she was going to. To my surprise, she headed for the door that led to the exit.
“Oooh honey. Tryna bunk are we?” I told myself and instantly regretted it. My impulsive self decided to follow her. She headed for the city. I kept my presence unknown to avoid getting caught. I was curious as to where she was going.
She took a strange turn and made her way to an alley. She dropped her books by a door and entered a building. Once the door closed, I picked her books up to see what her name was. Yes. My first instinct after a suspicious girl left her books and entered an unknown building was to know what her name was. But I'm glad that I did. Although I found no name, I did find a note on the front page.
It was a suicide note. I took my time to read it. It was very long and I couldn’t understand half of what was written because of its cursive nature. Towards the end, my eyes widened upon the realization that she was going to jump off the building. I opened the door and rushed up the stairs which seemed to have no end. Halfway through I started to question if this was worth it. If she wanted to die, who am I to withhold her from that wish? No. No no no. I cannot live with myself if that happens. I gathered my remaining stamina and climbed the rest. At the top awaited a doorway as bright as the sun. A cunning metaphor for me almost dying because of these f*****g stairs. I stood by it, catching my breath and leaving out huge breaths of relief.
And there she was. Standing by the ledge, looking at the sky. Weird since most people who jump look at the road below. She must be different. Wait. I was wrong. She did look at the road below shortly after. This must be her main character moment. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my dying life in jail simply by startling her. So I tip-toed.
“Hey,”
She looked back in fear. Her eyes were as sharp as a knife.
“How about we just step down from there all right?” I extended my hand.
The calm of my voice was disturbed by the honking of the cars below, evident as her focus slowly shifted back to the road below.
“As someone who is dying, I can tell you this is not the way you should die,” I spoke out. The mention of my death seemed to affect her as I saw her body language shift. Her legs moved away from the ledge. Her head turned back completely. She wiped the tears from her eyes.
“Wh-what do you mean?” Her voice cracked.
“Give me your hand,”
“Why would I do that?”
“If you were going to die, you wouldn’t have listened to my words. You wouldn’t have let me interrupt you. Now, give me your hand. You can trust me,”
She had that look in her eyes. I pulled out my signature puppy eyes for her. But when I realized it wasn’t doing the trick, I reverted to my regular eyes and gave her a nod of safety. She reached for my hand and stepped down from the ledge. Congratulations, people. I’ve managed to reduce suicide rates by a small margin. At least I hope so.
She sniffled as I noticed a tear still lingering in her eye. I grabbed the sleeve of my sweater with my fingers and wiped them off for her.
We sat down by the door on the cold concrete. Not a good idea at first but my butt made it warm for me so I didn’t bother to get up.
“What’s your name?” I asked her.
She hesitated to answer.
“Are you alright?” I skipped to the next question. She gave a small nod indicating yes.
“You know. The next time you wanna jump, make sure not to leave clues behind. Like the textbooks,”
She looked at me in that judging way one does when we crack dark jokes.
After a while of silence, she spoke.
“What you said about dying… Was it true?”
I chuckled since I expected her to ask.
“Yea. It is,” My voice wavered.
Maeve’s Perspective…
The girls left the washroom. I sat there in a stall listening to them bitch about me. I got out once I made sure they left. To be honest, I’m afraid of them. I thought this school would be welcoming to its new students but so far a warm welcome is all I’ve yet to receive. I’ve been a victim of bullying and betrayal.
Losing my friends was one thing. But being treated like shit and having no one to stand up for me took a toll on me. The loneliness transformed me from a jolly teen to a depressed piece of shit. And to add salt to the wound, this year is the year I lost my mother to an accident.
It’s a different type of pain when you don’t cry anymore. You just take a breath and accept it. Your body gets used to depression. Missing someone who’s not gonna come back hurts differently. I wasn’t strong enough to handle it all. The silencing hurt kept killing me from the inside until my mind offered me a solution: death.
“Are you sure about this, Maeve?” I asked myself in the mirror.
The dead eyes in the mirror responded.
Maeve. I was told the name was Irish for “she who rules,” given by my father before he abandoned me and my mom. I splashed water on my face and got out. As I walked through the noisy hallways, I felt the judging eyes and hate pierce right through me. I entered the class with a made-up mind and wrote down my final words on the first book I saw.
The bell rang… I saw my opportunity and took it. The exit was right in front of me. I picked up the pace and walked. Maybe I walked too fast because a dumbass bumped into me. He picked up my books from the floor. I managed to make minimum contact and continued on my path. I made my way to my apartment and dumped the textbooks by the door before heading for the roof. Maybe it must’ve been my subconsciousness that made me do it.
I stood by the ledge looking at the sky. There I saw my mother.
“I’m coming soon,”
Out of nowhere, this voice calls me up from behind. I turn around to see the dumbass who bumped into me. His attempt at trying to make me step down wasn’t working. What he said later, about his imminent death led to a change in heart. I don’t know what made me step down but I held his hand and did. We sat by the door where I remained in silence. What do I say to this? Or after… I don't know. His attempt to strike conversation was cut down by my silence. I wanted to talk to him but who is he? Why is he here and why did he try to save me?
"What you said about dying… was it true?"
He chuckled and answered with a yes.
"What happened? I asked.
"Hemophilia," He replied.
He noticed the cluelessness in my eyes and explained what it was.
"If I get bruised or bleed even from the slightest cut, say a papercut, I'll die. I have this condition where my blood cannot clot hence the bleeding never stops. And months ago I suffered a huge blow to my head from an accident. The doctors managed to clot the bleeding but they won't know how long it'll hold. So yeah, I'm living on borrowed time,"
How do you respond to this? Compared to this, my reason for dying is bullshit. Here is a man who can die at any time yet he seems fine. And then there is me who tried to take her life because a few people bullied her.
"Why were you on the ledge?" He asked.
"It's- it's a story," I replied.
"We have all the time in the world don't you think? How about you tell me? It's fine if you don't wanna," He offered to listen. The last time someone was willing to listen to me was… never. His words and that voice gave me a sense of comfort. I knew I could trust him.
I proceeded to tell him everything. He listened with concern and curiosity. Never during the conversation did I see his focus wavering off into the wind. His brown eyes pierced into me as I spoke out. He made me believe in the therapeutic help of talking again. I ranted like hell. I let out all my emotions in this one session alone with a stranger and I gotta say… It felt good. After years of holding it in, I felt like a huge burden was lifted off of my chest. He enjoyed the occasional swearing and on seeing his smile, I felt something dormant in me wake up.
In the end, he just sat there, looking at me. He got up and lent his hand. His firm grip helped me stand up. I stood there thinking about what he was going to do or say next. I was nervous. Why was I nervous? Did I start to care about what he thought? But why? Is it because he gave me a chance to speak out about what I wanted?
He leaned in and hugged me. My heart sped up. My mind raced to comprehend what just happened. My arms were numb. He placed his head on my shoulder and his hands on my back, giving me a warm bear hug. It felt good. An embrace that relieved me of my sorrows for a split second. I didn’t stop nor push him away because I felt the sincerity in his hug.
“How long has it been since someone gave you a warm hug?” He asked me.
I thought about it and realized that the last time I was hugged was before mom died. He let go.
“Come on now… the sun’s starting to set. I better get home before my parents realize I’m missing,”
“Uhh yeah. Sure,”
We walked down the stairs. I dropped him off at the bottom.
“The name’s Maeve,”
He smiled. I could see the curiosity in his eyes.
“Bye, Maeve,” He bid farewell.
I walked back to my apartment feeling fresh. What was that? Not long after did I realize I forgot to catch his name. How dumb of me.
Ryder’s Perspective…
Maeve. A mesmerizing name. I looked it up on the web to see what it meant. She could help me with this one particular item on my bucket list- “to help someone out”. It may seem basic but nope. I want my help to impact their lives. And I could help Maeve form a new perspective on life, take her from the clutches of sorrow over to the land of joy.
The next day, I met up with Maeve in the hallways.
“Hey. How are you feeling?”
She nodded positively with shrugged shoulders.
“I never got your name,” She asked. Oh right. I never told her who I was.
“Ryder,”
We would meet at the cafeteria and sit opposite each other. Over time, she grew close to and felt comfortable around me. I knew this because she started to talk more freely. The stranger vibe I gave off vanished. I am now a friend. Yay.
As we walked through the menacing hallways, I felt the hateful eyes that were placed on her. Why would they hate on such a lovely girl? I would never understand this world. Nor am I gonna spend my time trying to.
Our conversations tend to get deep. One day we were sitting by the bench sharing a ham sandwich when I saw Selena hanging out with a guy. “They must be friends,” I thought to myself. But their body language… body language is everything. The guy was being all touchy and her face was just inches away from his lips at times. Maeve noticed me watching them.
“She used to be your ex?”
“Uhh nah. Someone that I used to like,”
“Oh. What happened?”
“She said she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend for now. That was a week ago. I guess she changed her mind. Heh,”
“Aww, buddy it’s fine. Pat pat,” She actually said the words “Pat pat,”
I’ll admit the sight did catch me off-guard. It hurt when it wasn’t supposed to. Maeve noticed my silence.
“You alright?”
“It’s just that all I wanted was for someone to love me. To know what it felt like. For once I wanted someone to be afraid to lose me. It’s always me who gets terrified of losing the people I hold close,”
“You’re afraid to fall in love?” She took a bite out of her sandwich and asked. It made me think. I talk big about wanting to fall in love. But am I limited by my fear of losing people that I grow close to?
“I-I guess I’m afraid of being the only one that falls. The only one that is left hurt. Forget being in love and going through a breakup. Try watching your best friend fall in love and slowly stop talking to you. That shit hurts different”
The look in her eyes meant she knew what I was talking about.
“I know,” She held my hand and replied.
“I’ve lost many close friends like that. I tried to fall in love several times to avoid benign left alone but after a while, I gave up,” She said with regret.
“If you don’t heal what hurts you—” She continued. “--you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you,”
My eyes widened. “Holy shit, that’s deep,”
“It ain’t mine. It’s from an anime I watched,” She said and chuckled.
“Bruh,” I stared at her for a few seconds before laughing with her.
This conversation made me reevaluate my decision. I am not going to spend my time searching for love. No. I will be spending my time with her, helping this girl, guiding her through the journey of getting better. I will be caring for her and her only. I won’t rest unless I’m sure she’s ok. You’re it, Maeve. You’re my person. I won’t let any harm befall you. She didn’t enter my life by accident. No. Fate made me bump into her.
Maeve’s Perspective…
Ryder is gaslighting himself. I can hear the worry and fear behind his voice. I can see the face of a boy who thinks he has to come to terms with dying but in reality, he’s not ready to leave the world behind.
Meeting him has affected me. I won't lie. He has this certain charisma that just makes you wanna pull his cheeks. He’s so caring.
I still haven’t forgotten that hug. It’s the first form of affection I received in years. I wouldn’t be here talking about this if it hadn’t been for him.
One day, he came over to my place. I didn’t have time to clean up my place so I just stuffed the pile of dirty clothes into the closet. He came over with Mountain Dew. He’s addicted to that thing. If hemophilia doesn’t kill him, Mountain Dew surely will.
My talks with him have been therapeutic. He listens to me and that’s all that I need. Where has he been my whole life?
“Have you ever felt worthless?” I asked out of the blue.
“Oh yeah. Every time. Just now 5 mins ago when I couldn’t open that packet of Doritos,” He said followed by a smirk.
“No. Not like that. Have you ever felt like the world will continue to be the same without you? That you’ve never had an impact on anyone? Whatever you say don’t help the conversation?”
“Maeve. What happened?” He put down his bottle of dew and sat up straight.
“My mind and my heart often have a conflict on whether I am important or not. And often my mind isn’t wrong. Nobody’s ever cared for me. And you don’t know how many times I looked after them,”
“There was a time--” I continued “--when my friends were above all. But later on, I-I realized having a good heart isn’t worth it. When that trust is broken, their sorry means nothing,”
“I wouldn’t say that. In my experience, the world is a bitch. It ain’t worth the trouble you have to go through. But… that doesn’t mean you stop being good. Stop trying so hard for people who don’t care. Be there for the ones who are there. Let the good times roll,”
“What if there are no good people left?”
“Oh, honey. There never was. Good people are a myth. There are only people who are trying to do good or people putting on the mask of goodness. But there are no good people. You and I… aren’t good. There’ll always be something that’ll hinder us as not good,”
He wasn’t wrong.
Ryder’s Perspective…
She had this innocent smile that masked her sadness. It was cute. But when you get to know who Maeve is, it’s sad when you understand just how many times she puts on that smile. At times I get scared wondering if she’ll relapse. And at one point, her loneliness got the better of her. I went to meet her at the park but she wasn’t there. I walked back to her apartment and knocked on the door. She didn’t answer. So I figured she must be somewhere else. I called her cellphone to ask and weirdly enough, the ringtone came from the other side of the door.
My hands knocked on the door once again but there wasn’t any answer. My mind thought of leaving and that’s when I heard a thud. My worry for her shot up and the adrenaline in me knocked down the door after a couple of tries. I rushed in to see what happened and there she was, lying on the floor next to painkillers. Putting two and two together, I didn’t think much and called the paramedics.
Hours later…
Her eyes slowly opened, adjusting to the bright light. I sat by, playing on my phone.
She saw me and reached out her hand toward me. I noticed it and kept my phone aside. She started crying. My hands reached out for hers and comforted her, telling her it was going to be alright.
“Why did you save me?” Her wavered voice echoed in my ears.
“What do you mean?”
“Why did you save ME?” She stressed.
“Why are you saying that?”
“Ryder. Why did you save me? Why did you have to goddamn save me?” Her voice broke as she continued crying. I looked at her and it hurt me. The sight of her on the bed crying as if she lost everything broke me.
“I couldn’t take it anymore--,” She said. “-- The loneliness got to me. You know it’s normal to miss someone when you’re alone and lonely. But when you miss them when you’re busy or having fun… It cuts your heart. Yesterday was my mother’s death anniversary. Looking back at the conversations I had with her and the pictures affected me in a way they shouldn’t have. Hide your pain, no one f*****g cares, I thought. But all it did was build up the pain and keep it aside. A-And the pain I thought I could hide eventually broke me,”
“Maeve. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. You got me. I know I’m still a stranger to you but you’re not a stranger to me. You’re the one person I look forward to meeting. And you think killing yourself will fix your problems?”
“Ryder. I’m afraid to lose you too. You make me feel alive. The thought of losing you is killing me and I-I don’t know how I’ll deal with it. P-Please don’t die,”
She broke down completely. My defenses came down. The tears began. I smiled and got up to hug her. Imagine crying but without any sound. The smile was my way of trying to stop the crying but it didn’t. It just made it worse. I am not the best expresser of emotions and I deeply wanted her to know how much she meant to me.
It’s crazy how a stranger becomes the most important person in your life. My hands caressed her head and patted her on the back. She lay back down. Oh, Maeve. When I first met you, I had no idea I was gonna be this attached. And all I’m doing is hurting you further. The longer I stick around, the more difficult it’ll be to deal with my absence.
She moved a bit to the side and invited me to sit beside her. I slowly entered the bed and put my hand around her shoulder. She placed her head on my shoulder.
“I’ll always be there with you, dead or alive. Losing people is a part of life, Maeve. They leave behind their memories for you as a parting gift. Never lose yourself over the fact that they left. Stay strong. Your story isn’t over yet,”
“How do I do that? How do I get myself in order when it happens?"
“I don’t know. That’s up to you to figure it out. I won’t be here when it happens and that’s when you have to deal with it. Promise me you won’t try and kill yourself again,”
She looked at me with those eyes. After a while, a smile appeared. Her hands were resting on my chest.
Slowly but surely, she got back up on her feet after a few days’ rest. The news of her attempted suicide spread like wildfire across the campus. Sigh. I could hear the judgments being passed from a mile away.
Maeve’s Perspective…
I was afraid to go back to school. I was scared of facing all those captious eyes. I wish there was something that would help me forget how cold the world is. When will I ever stop caring? Why can’t I just be happy?
That was when he arrived. I turned back to see Ryder walk in and accompany me. We walked through the wretched hallways. He kept talking to me to distract me from the others and for a while, it did work.
It was nice to have someone by my side. His being there gave me the strength I needed to pass through and make it to class. One afternoon, weeks after the incident, he invited me to his place. His parents were out of town and he was alone. We walked up to his room.
“You need a makeover,”
“What?” I asked.
“Right now… you’re not you. Somewhere along the lines, you lost your beauty. And right now, we’re gonna get it back,”
“I-I… Are you sure?”
“Trust me,” His smile made me comply. He went to the other room and grabbed his mother’s makeup box. He made me sit in front of a mirror and stood behind me. I watched as he untied my hair. I couldn’t stop smiling.
“Give me that brush,” He asked.
I handed the wooden paddle. He brushed my hair for me. I closed my eyes and let the feelings take over. It felt good. I was reminded of the time my mother did my hair for me back in the day. I heard the sound of a switch being turned on. After a few minutes, Something hot pressed against my hair.
“Alright. Now we get on with the straightening,”
“You seem to know what you’re doing. How?”
“Let’s say I’ve watched too much James Charles,”
I opened my eyes and gave him that look of judgment through the mirror. He laughed it off.
“Just kidding. I help my mom at times,”
After a while, he stopped.
“Open up,” He tied my hair into a waterfall braid. He saw my eyes express astonishment to which he smiled. “Glad you liked it. Now we move on to the face. Close your eyes again,”
I’m not going to lie, it was a long process. But I realized he was right. I stopped taking care of myself at a point and I never realized it until I saw myself in the mirror. After the “plastic surgery”, we hung out in the living room, binge-watching Modern Family and snacking, and I ended up spending the night on his couch. I never imagined living these past few months like this. I found someone I can turn to. I found Ryder.
The next morning, I woke up to his voice.
“Here you go,” he handed me a cup of coffee and walked back to the kitchen counter. I sat up, with the coffee mug still in my hand, making sure I didn’t spill it over.
We walked to school after freshening up. I took a quick detour by my apartment to get a fresh pair of clothes. From there we headed back to campus. The clothes, the hair, and the new look gave me the confidence I never realized I lost. The eyes that were upon me… I felt envy and admiration thrusting toward me. And I gotta admit, it felt amazing.
That whole day was a memory to behold. Ryder met with me outside after classes ended. We were walking back and I told him how I felt good. He listened with joy.
We kept walking. It felt perfect. Everything about the day was perfect. I was so engrossed in the conversation that I lost my awareness of the background. A few seconds later, I felt Ryder’s hands pushing me by the shoulders. I fell hard towards the hardened tar and it took me a second to get back to reality. Before I knew it, a bike crashed into him. I couldn’t comprehend what I saw. My mind went blank. I heard him yell with pain.
The panic-induced adrenaline in me patted down my pockets in search of my phone. My fingers were trembling. After a couple of mins, the paramedics arrived. They rushed him into the ambulance and took off.
I couldn’t stop the tears as I followed them. The doctor who diagnosed him attended his case. Upon further review, he realized the internal bleeding from the accident wasn’t clotting even with the artificial clotters.
I saw him rush down to the cashier to call someone. Within an hour, his parents arrived. I saw them tear-filled as they entered the doorways. They met with the doctor. As he laid down the news, the sight was unbearable. Seeing them break down made me cry. The inevitable was here. I went to the washroom and faced the mirror. With each teardrop, my fear of loneliness comes back. The only person whom I loved is going away. And I’m not ready for it.
Fate loves to play with your feelings. I am completely f*****g broken inside. Yes, I got attached to you fast because I was numb for so long and you showed me and made me feel something I haven’t felt or seen for a long time.
I wiped off my tears and got outside. Walking towards Ryder, I noticed his parents standing there. He was tearing up as well. His mother held his hand as she broke the news to him. That broken sadness I saw in him was replaced by a smile when he noticed me standing.
“Maeve… Hey. Come here,” He said smiling, wiping the tears that were forming. I walked slowly towards the bed.
“Mom. Dad. This is Maeve. She’s the one I was talking about,”
They looked at me with sincere smiles. I knew how hard they were trying not to burst out crying in front of him.
“Maeve. Can you step outside for a moment?” He asked.
“Yeah. Sure,”
He and his parents had a deep conversation. It went on for a while and ended with a hug. They walked out and met with me. His mother placed her hand on my face and patted my cheeks.
“Maeve. Come on,” He called me. I walked in. He moved a bit to the side and invited me to sit beside him. I slowly entered the bed.
“So… this is it I guess,” He said with a chuckle.
“No. No, it isn’t. Please don’t say that,”
“We knew this was coming. It was just a matter of when. That moment has arrived—” He noticed me crying and wiped my tears. I don’t know what happened next but I remember breaking down and crying on his shoulders.
“Hey hey… It’ll be alright. Trust me. It’s gonna hurt for a little while. But I have faith in you… you’ll get over the pain. It’s a truth of life you know. No matter how close you are to a person, you know you have to part ways with them. It’s a painful truth–” His voice cracked. “--I wish truths weren’t painful,”
He held my hand. I noticed they were becoming pale. We sat there for what seemed like an eternity.
“You can’t force what’s not meant to be, Maeve. Be proud of your kind heart, not everyone has it. Never ever try to change who you are–” His voice became weak. He became as pale as a ghost. I held on to his hand tighter.
“---never bring yourself down. You are your own story,” He looked at me and gave me that smile. The smile that gave me life. His head slowly leaned onto my shoulder. His grip on my hand began to ease up. This was it. I hadn’t heard his voice for a few minutes. I wasn’t ready to accept the reality of him dying on my shoulders. He died on my f*****g shoulders.
The monitor flatlined. The doctors rushed in. His mother took me away from them and comforted me.
We watched as the doctors gave their last attempt to sustain his life. I could see the doctor’s disappointment. His father came over and hugged us both. He tried to remain strong and not cry but no father can hide away the emotion of losing their own child.
We stood there as the doctors covered the drapes on him. A few days later, I stood by his grave at his funeral. I thanked him one last time before departing. As I walked away, Ryder’s parents called me. They asked me how I felt about being adopted by them.
Ryder had only one wish on his deathbed: for his parents to adopt her. He felt this could help his parents deal with the absence of their son through a daughter and help Maeve finally be a part of a family. They told me how much he would talk of “Maeve,”
“You can take your time to think about it. Whatever your decision might be, we’ve made a promise to our son to be there with you at all times,” I smiled at them and told them I would be more than happy to be a part of their lives. That night they invited me to their house and told me to take up Ryder’s room. I chuckled as I remember the last time I was here. On his table, I noticed a piece of paper. The curiosity in me took it and opened it up. It was his bucket list. The list only had one item that was struck out: “To find love,” In its place, he wrote: “Help Maeve,”
Fin…
Fade Away...(Alwin Baiju)
Ryder’s Perspective…
“This is it… Your final year. One more year. You got this Ryder, don’t you?”
I looked at my reflection with a sense of worry and splashed water onto my face before walking out to grab my backpack. Before leaving for the bus, a folded-up piece of paper caught my attention. “Ah yes, my bucket list,” I reminded myself and folded it in my pocket.
This year there’s only one objective- to get a girl. If this is going to be my final year, I’m going to experience the beauty of the world of romance before departing.
Times have been demanding since the doctors diagnosed me with hemophilia.
I remember the distorting background and my shocked parents when the doctors told me I have at most a year left to live. A real Fault in the Stars vibe if you tell me. I remember looking at the mirror as the waterworks began.
“Nah, chief. This ain’t the moment to cry. You gotta hold it in. There’s always gonna be something worse than death to cry over… isn’t there?”
The emotionless stare of my reflection held its tears back as I forced a smile onto my face. The news hit my mom and dad worse than I thought.
They’d spend sleepless nights surfing the net and making calls to see if there was a solution. But after a while, I had to step in and tell them that there was no stopping this. This was happening. Mother was in denial. Father was extremely sad but he didn’t dishearten mother by showing his emotions because he knows that the sight of him crying will further weaken her. I sat down with the two of them and talked this through.
“How are you so calm right now? Aren’t you worried one bit?” My mother’s daunting words echoed.
“I… I-I don’t know. I guess every time I think about it, I think of the life I’ve lived. And I’ve lived a good one. And perhaps my time wasn't meant to last. If God willed it to be like that… then so be it,”
Over time, I’ve managed to get them both off of this topic to get them back to their previous happy version. But as time runs out, I fear that my attempts will be futile. One day, I’ll be waking up not knowing if I’ve run out of time or not… Mark my words, that moment is going to be the scariest moment of your life.
As I walked over to the bus, I made eye contact with Selena, the cute girl I’ve had my eye on for quite some time. She’s perky and cute. The way she talks always gets my heart. I walked up to her and sat down beside her.
“Selenaaa,”
“Ryderrrr,”
“So what’s up?”
“You know what’s up,” I gave her my signature puppy eyes.
“Oh, honey… My answer remains the same. I’m not looking for a boyfriend right now.
“Oh come on… why not? Why are you not interested?”
“Ryder. Love isn’t everything. Being in a relationship isn’t all that matters,”
“Why not? You tell this to me every single time but you never give me an answer,”
She looked at me with those eyes… And a smile so endearing followed by a chuckle.
“When you grow old, you look back into the life you’ve lived. And you realize that this high school love barely constituted a part of it. It’s good to be in love. But not good to let it consume you and deviate you from everything else,”
“It’s tough, you know. Everywhere I go, I see a couple holding hands and being all romantic. Even the clapped ones are seemingly getting action. When I see that, I wonder what it must feel like. And not feeling that amongst the people who feel that makes me feel aloof,”
She held my hand. Her warm touch rushed the adrenaline in me but at the same time made me feel safe.
“That’s your impulse taking over. You have a lot to live for, don’t you? Trust me… when the time is right, the right girl will come to you instead of you going behind her. Have faith in time,”
If only she knew time abandoned me long ago. If only she knew I would cease to exist within months. Should I let her know? Is it time for me to tell everyone? If I do, I’ll be treated with pity and obligation and that’s the last thing I want.
I looked at her with a smile. She leaned in to hug me. That feeling you get when your crush hugs you… your soul separates itself from the body to watch it all from another perspective to register the memory. Your heart disconnects from the brain, losing the sense of what’s real and what’s not. Logic ceases to exist. Your emotions go on overdrive. It’s a blissful feeling indeed.
The bus halted. We’ve arrived. As I walked through the pathways decked with Christmas decorations, the sight of couples befell my eyes. Looking at them made me laugh on the outside. Their over-expression of love for each other always cringes me out. We get it… you love him. Jeez. But then there’s a small part of me wondering if I’ll ever get to feel this cringe stuff.
The bell rang. It was lunchtime. Classes were boring as usual. I went ahead and grabbed a tray from the cafeteria and stood in line. But on seeing the same food, I kept the tray back and went over to the vending machine to grab a peanut bar.
The bell rang again. Classes continued to be boring. Mr. Sanchez’s attempt to liven up the class through his horrible attempts at comedy is the only thing that keeps me awake.
On my way to my locker, I bumped into a girl. Weirdly enough, I didn’t recognize her. She had bangs and rich black eyes. Her books dropped on the floor. I told her sorry and bent down to pick them up. After handing them over, the least I expected was a smile and a thank you. But nope. She turned around and walked away. How hard is it to say a simple thanks? It’s good that I didn’t recognize her. Anyways, as I continued to walk on over to my locker, I looked at her once again to check which class she was going to. To my surprise, she headed for the door that led to the exit.
“Oooh honey. Tryna bunk are we?” I told myself and instantly regretted it. My impulsive self decided to follow her. She headed for the city. I kept my presence unknown to avoid getting caught. I was curious as to where she was going.
She took a strange turn and made her way to an alley. She dropped her books by a door and entered a building. Once the door closed, I picked her books up to see what her name was. Yes. My first instinct after a suspicious girl left her books and entered an unknown building was to know what her name was. But I'm glad that I did. Although I found no name, I did find a note on the front page.
It was a suicide note. I took my time to read it. It was very long and I couldn’t understand half of what was written because of its cursive nature. Towards the end, my eyes widened upon the realization that she was going to jump off the building. I opened the door and rushed up the stairs which seemed to have no end. Halfway through I started to question if this was worth it. If she wanted to die, who am I to withhold her from that wish? No. No no no. I cannot live with myself if that happens. I gathered my remaining stamina and climbed the rest. At the top awaited a doorway as bright as the sun. A cunning metaphor for me almost dying because of these f*****g stairs. I stood by it, catching my breath and leaving out huge breaths of relief.
And there she was. Standing by the ledge, looking at the sky. Weird since most people who jump look at the road below. She must be different. Wait. I was wrong. She did look at the road below shortly after. This must be her main character moment. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my dying life in jail simply by startling her. So I tip-toed.
“Hey,”
She looked back in fear. Her eyes were as sharp as a knife.
“How about we just step down from there all right?” I extended my hand.
The calm of my voice was disturbed by the honking of the cars below, evident as her focus slowly shifted back to the road below.
“As someone who is dying, I can tell you this is not the way you should die,” I spoke out. The mention of my death seemed to affect her as I saw her body language shift. Her legs moved away from the ledge. Her head turned back completely. She wiped the tears from her eyes.
“Wh-what do you mean?” Her voice cracked.
“Give me your hand,”
“Why would I do that?”
“If you were going to die, you wouldn’t have listened to my words. You wouldn’t have let me interrupt you. Now, give me your hand. You can trust me,”
She had that look in her eyes. I pulled out my signature puppy eyes for her. But when I realized it wasn’t doing the trick, I reverted to my regular eyes and gave her a nod of safety. She reached for my hand and stepped down from the ledge. Congratulations, people. I’ve managed to reduce suicide rates by a small margin. At least I hope so.
She sniffled as I noticed a tear still lingering in her eye. I grabbed the sleeve of my sweater with my fingers and wiped them off for her.
We sat down by the door on the cold concrete. Not a good idea at first but my butt made it warm for me so I didn’t bother to get up.
“What’s your name?” I asked her.
She hesitated to answer.
“Are you alright?” I skipped to the next question. She gave a small nod indicating yes.
“You know. The next time you wanna jump, make sure not to leave clues behind. Like the textbooks,”
She looked at me in that judging way one does when we crack dark jokes.
After a while of silence, she spoke.
“What you said about dying… Was it true?”
I chuckled since I expected her to ask.
“Yea. It is,” My voice wavered.
Maeve’s Perspective…
The girls left the washroom. I sat there in a stall listening to them bitch about me. I got out once I made sure they left. To be honest, I’m afraid of them. I thought this school would be welcoming to its new students but so far a warm welcome is all I’ve yet to receive. I’ve been a victim of bullying and betrayal.
Losing my friends was one thing. But being treated like shit and having no one to stand up for me took a toll on me. The loneliness transformed me from a jolly teen to a depressed piece of shit. And to add salt to the wound, this year is the year I lost my mother to an accident.
It’s a different type of pain when you don’t cry anymore. You just take a breath and accept it. Your body gets used to depression. Missing someone who’s not gonna come back hurts differently. I wasn’t strong enough to handle it all. The silencing hurt kept killing me from the inside until my mind offered me a solution: death.
“Are you sure about this, Maeve?” I asked myself in the mirror.
The dead eyes in the mirror responded.
Maeve. I was told the name was Irish for “she who rules,” given by my father before he abandoned me and my mom. I splashed water on my face and got out. As I walked through the noisy hallways, I felt the judging eyes and hate pierce right through me. I entered the class with a made-up mind and wrote down my final words on the first book I saw.
The bell rang… I saw my opportunity and took it. The exit was right in front of me. I picked up the pace and walked. Maybe I walked too fast because a dumbass bumped into me. He picked up my books from the floor. I managed to make minimum contact and continued on my path. I made my way to my apartment and dumped the textbooks by the door before heading for the roof. Maybe it must’ve been my subconsciousness that made me do it.
I stood by the ledge looking at the sky. There I saw my mother.
“I’m coming soon,”
Out of nowhere, this voice calls me up from behind. I turn around to see the dumbass who bumped into me. His attempt at trying to make me step down wasn’t working. What he said later, about his imminent death led to a change in heart. I don’t know what made me step down but I held his hand and did. We sat by the door where I remained in silence. What do I say to this? Or after… I don't know. His attempt to strike conversation was cut down by my silence. I wanted to talk to him but who is he? Why is he here and why did he try to save me?
"What you said about dying… was it true?"
He chuckled and answered with a yes.
"What happened? I asked.
"Hemophilia," He replied.
He noticed the cluelessness in my eyes and explained what it was.
"If I get bruised or bleed even from the slightest cut, say a papercut, I'll die. I have this condition where my blood cannot clot hence the bleeding never stops. And months ago I suffered a huge blow to my head from an accident. The doctors managed to clot the bleeding but they won't know how long it'll hold. So yeah, I'm living on borrowed time,"
How do you respond to this? Compared to this, my reason for dying is bullshit. Here is a man who can die at any time yet he seems fine. And then there is me who tried to take her life because a few people bullied her.
"Why were you on the ledge?" He asked.
"It's- it's a story," I replied.
"We have all the time in the world don't you think? How about you tell me? It's fine if you don't wanna," He offered to listen. The last time someone was willing to listen to me was… never. His words and that voice gave me a sense of comfort. I knew I could trust him.
I proceeded to tell him everything. He listened with concern and curiosity. Never during the conversation did I see his focus wavering off into the wind. His brown eyes pierced into me as I spoke out. He made me believe in the therapeutic help of talking again. I ranted like hell. I let out all my emotions in this one session alone with a stranger and I gotta say… It felt good. After years of holding it in, I felt like a huge burden was lifted off of my chest. He enjoyed the occasional swearing and on seeing his smile, I felt something dormant in me wake up.
In the end, he just sat there, looking at me. He got up and lent his hand. His firm grip helped me stand up. I stood there thinking about what he was going to do or say next. I was nervous. Why was I nervous? Did I start to care about what he thought? But why? Is it because he gave me a chance to speak out about what I wanted?
He leaned in and hugged me. My heart sped up. My mind raced to comprehend what just happened. My arms were numb. He placed his head on my shoulder and his hands on my back, giving me a warm bear hug. It felt good. An embrace that relieved me of my sorrows for a split second. I didn’t stop nor push him away because I felt the sincerity in his hug.
“How long has it been since someone gave you a warm hug?” He asked me.
I thought about it and realized that the last time I was hugged was before mom died. He let go.
“Come on now… the sun’s starting to set. I better get home before my parents realize I’m missing,”
“Uhh yeah. Sure,”
We walked down the stairs. I dropped him off at the bottom.
“The name’s Maeve,”
He smiled. I could see the curiosity in his eyes.
“Bye, Maeve,” He bid farewell.
I walked back to my apartment feeling fresh. What was that? Not long after did I realize I forgot to catch his name. How dumb of me.
Ryder’s Perspective…
Maeve. A mesmerizing name. I looked it up on the web to see what it meant. She could help me with this one particular item on my bucket list- “to help someone out”. It may seem basic but nope. I want my help to impact their lives. And I could help Maeve form a new perspective on life, take her from the clutches of sorrow over to the land of joy.
The next day, I met up with Maeve in the hallways.
“Hey. How are you feeling?”
She nodded positively with shrugged shoulders.
“I never got your name,” She asked. Oh right. I never told her who I was.
“Ryder,”
We would meet at the cafeteria and sit opposite each other. Over time, she grew close to and felt comfortable around me. I knew this because she started to talk more freely. The stranger vibe I gave off vanished. I am now a friend. Yay.
As we walked through the menacing hallways, I felt the hateful eyes that were placed on her. Why would they hate on such a lovely girl? I would never understand this world. Nor am I gonna spend my time trying to.
Our conversations tend to get deep. One day we were sitting by the bench sharing a ham sandwich when I saw Selena hanging out with a guy. “They must be friends,” I thought to myself. But their body language… body language is everything. The guy was being all touchy and her face was just inches away from his lips at times. Maeve noticed me watching them.
“She used to be your ex?”
“Uhh nah. Someone that I used to like,”
“Oh. What happened?”
“She said she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend for now. That was a week ago. I guess she changed her mind. Heh,”
“Aww, buddy it’s fine. Pat pat,” She actually said the words “Pat pat,”
I’ll admit the sight did catch me off-guard. It hurt when it wasn’t supposed to. Maeve noticed my silence.
“You alright?”
“It’s just that all I wanted was for someone to love me. To know what it felt like. For once I wanted someone to be afraid to lose me. It’s always me who gets terrified of losing the people I hold close,”
“You’re afraid to fall in love?” She took a bite out of her sandwich and asked. It made me think. I talk big about wanting to fall in love. But am I limited by my fear of losing people that I grow close to?
“I-I guess I’m afraid of being the only one that falls. The only one that is left hurt. Forget being in love and going through a breakup. Try watching your best friend fall in love and slowly stop talking to you. That shit hurts different”
The look in her eyes meant she knew what I was talking about.
“I know,” She held my hand and replied.
“I’ve lost many close friends like that. I tried to fall in love several times to avoid benign left alone but after a while, I gave up,” She said with regret.
“If you don’t heal what hurts you—” She continued. “--you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you,”
My eyes widened. “Holy shit, that’s deep,”
“It ain’t mine. It’s from an anime I watched,” She said and chuckled.
“Bruh,” I stared at her for a few seconds before laughing with her.
This conversation made me reevaluate my decision. I am not going to spend my time searching for love. No. I will be spending my time with her, helping this girl, guiding her through the journey of getting better. I will be caring for her and her only. I won’t rest unless I’m sure she’s ok. You’re it, Maeve. You’re my person. I won’t let any harm befall you. She didn’t enter my life by accident. No. Fate made me bump into her.
Maeve’s Perspective…
Ryder is gaslighting himself. I can hear the worry and fear behind his voice. I can see the face of a boy who thinks he has to come to terms with dying but in reality, he’s not ready to leave the world behind.
Meeting him has affected me. I won't lie. He has this certain charisma that just makes you wanna pull his cheeks. He’s so caring.
I still haven’t forgotten that hug. It’s the first form of affection I received in years. I wouldn’t be here talking about this if it hadn’t been for him.
One day, he came over to my place. I didn’t have time to clean up my place so I just stuffed the pile of dirty clothes into the closet. He came over with Mountain Dew. He’s addicted to that thing. If hemophilia doesn’t kill him, Mountain Dew surely will.
My talks with him have been therapeutic. He listens to me and that’s all that I need. Where has he been my whole life?
“Have you ever felt worthless?” I asked out of the blue.
“Oh yeah. Every time. Just now 5 mins ago when I couldn’t open that packet of Doritos,” He said followed by a smirk.
“No. Not like that. Have you ever felt like the world will continue to be the same without you? That you’ve never had an impact on anyone? Whatever you say don’t help the conversation?”
“Maeve. What happened?” He put down his bottle of dew and sat up straight.
“My mind and my heart often have a conflict on whether I am important or not. And often my mind isn’t wrong. Nobody’s ever cared for me. And you don’t know how many times I looked after them,”
“There was a time--” I continued “--when my friends were above all. But later on, I-I realized having a good heart isn’t worth it. When that trust is broken, their sorry means nothing,”
“I wouldn’t say that. In my experience, the world is a bitch. It ain’t worth the trouble you have to go through. But… that doesn’t mean you stop being good. Stop trying so hard for people who don’t care. Be there for the ones who are there. Let the good times roll,”
“What if there are no good people left?”
“Oh, honey. There never was. Good people are a myth. There are only people who are trying to do good or people putting on the mask of goodness. But there are no good people. You and I… aren’t good. There’ll always be something that’ll hinder us as not good,”
He wasn’t wrong.
Ryder’s Perspective…
She had this innocent smile that masked her sadness. It was cute. But when you get to know who Maeve is, it’s sad when you understand just how many times she puts on that smile. At times I get scared wondering if she’ll relapse. And at one point, her loneliness got the better of her. I went to meet her at the park but she wasn’t there. I walked back to her apartment and knocked on the door. She didn’t answer. So I figured she must be somewhere else. I called her cellphone to ask and weirdly enough, the ringtone came from the other side of the door.
My hands knocked on the door once again but there wasn’t any answer. My mind thought of leaving and that’s when I heard a thud. My worry for her shot up and the adrenaline in me knocked down the door after a couple of tries. I rushed in to see what happened and there she was, lying on the floor next to painkillers. Putting two and two together, I didn’t think much and called the paramedics.
Hours later…
Her eyes slowly opened, adjusting to the bright light. I sat by, playing on my phone.
She saw me and reached out her hand toward me. I noticed it and kept my phone aside. She started crying. My hands reached out for hers and comforted her, telling her it was going to be alright.
“Why did you save me?” Her wavered voice echoed in my ears.
“What do you mean?”
“Why did you save ME?” She stressed.
“Why are you saying that?”
“Ryder. Why did you save me? Why did you have to goddamn save me?” Her voice broke as she continued crying. I looked at her and it hurt me. The sight of her on the bed crying as if she lost everything broke me.
“I couldn’t take it anymore--,” She said. “-- The loneliness got to me. You know it’s normal to miss someone when you’re alone and lonely. But when you miss them when you’re busy or having fun… It cuts your heart. Yesterday was my mother’s death anniversary. Looking back at the conversations I had with her and the pictures affected me in a way they shouldn’t have. Hide your pain, no one f*****g cares, I thought. But all it did was build up the pain and keep it aside. A-And the pain I thought I could hide eventually broke me,”
“Maeve. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. You got me. I know I’m still a stranger to you but you’re not a stranger to me. You’re the one person I look forward to meeting. And you think killing yourself will fix your problems?”
“Ryder. I’m afraid to lose you too. You make me feel alive. The thought of losing you is killing me and I-I don’t know how I’ll deal with it. P-Please don’t die,”
She broke down completely. My defenses came down. The tears began. I smiled and got up to hug her. Imagine crying but without any sound. The smile was my way of trying to stop the crying but it didn’t. It just made it worse. I am not the best expresser of emotions and I deeply wanted her to know how much she meant to me.
It’s crazy how a stranger becomes the most important person in your life. My hands caressed her head and patted her on the back. She lay back down. Oh, Maeve. When I first met you, I had no idea I was gonna be this attached. And all I’m doing is hurting you further. The longer I stick around, the more difficult it’ll be to deal with my absence.
She moved a bit to the side and invited me to sit beside her. I slowly entered the bed and put my hand around her shoulder. She placed her head on my shoulder.
“I’ll always be there with you, dead or alive. Losing people is a part of life, Maeve. They leave behind their memories for you as a parting gift. Never lose yourself over the fact that they left. Stay strong. Your story isn’t over yet,”
“How do I do that? How do I get myself in order when it happens?"
“I don’t know. That’s up to you to figure it out. I won’t be here when it happens and that’s when you have to deal with it. Promise me you won’t try and kill yourself again,”
She looked at me with those eyes. After a while, a smile appeared. Her hands were resting on my chest.
Slowly but surely, she got back up on her feet after a few days’ rest. The news of her attempted suicide spread like wildfire across the campus. Sigh. I could hear the judgments being passed from a mile away.
Maeve’s Perspective…
I was afraid to go back to school. I was scared of facing all those captious eyes. I wish there was something that would help me forget how cold the world is. When will I ever stop caring? Why can’t I just be happy?
That was when he arrived. I turned back to see Ryder walk in and accompany me. We walked through the wretched hallways. He kept talking to me to distract me from the others and for a while, it did work.
It was nice to have someone by my side. His being there gave me the strength I needed to pass through and make it to class. One afternoon, weeks after the incident, he invited me to his place. His parents were out of town and he was alone. We walked up to his room.
“You need a makeover,”
“What?” I asked.
“Right now… you’re not you. Somewhere along the lines, you lost your beauty. And right now, we’re gonna get it back,”
“I-I… Are you sure?”
“Trust me,” His smile made me comply. He went to the other room and grabbed his mother’s makeup box. He made me sit in front of a mirror and stood behind me. I watched as he untied my hair. I couldn’t stop smiling.
“Give me that brush,” He asked.
I handed the wooden paddle. He brushed my hair for me. I closed my eyes and let the feelings take over. It felt good. I was reminded of the time my mother did my hair for me back in the day. I heard the sound of a switch being turned on. After a few minutes, Something hot pressed against my hair.
“Alright. Now we get on with the straightening,”
“You seem to know what you’re doing. How?”
“Let’s say I’ve watched too much James Charles,”
I opened my eyes and gave him that look of judgment through the mirror. He laughed it off.
“Just kidding. I help my mom at times,”
After a while, he stopped.
“Open up,” He tied my hair into a waterfall braid. He saw my eyes express astonishment to which he smiled. “Glad you liked it. Now we move on to the face. Close your eyes again,”
I’m not going to lie, it was a long process. But I realized he was right. I stopped taking care of myself at a point and I never realized it until I saw myself in the mirror. After the “plastic surgery”, we hung out in the living room, binge-watching Modern Family and snacking, and I ended up spending the night on his couch. I never imagined living these past few months like this. I found someone I can turn to. I found Ryder.
The next morning, I woke up to his voice.
“Here you go,” he handed me a cup of coffee and walked back to the kitchen counter. I sat up, with the coffee mug still in my hand, making sure I didn’t spill it over.
We walked to school after freshening up. I took a quick detour by my apartment to get a fresh pair of clothes. From there we headed back to campus. The clothes, the hair, and the new look gave me the confidence I never realized I lost. The eyes that were upon me… I felt envy and admiration thrusting toward me. And I gotta admit, it felt amazing.
That whole day was a memory to behold. Ryder met with me outside after classes ended. We were walking back and I told him how I felt good. He listened with joy.
We kept walking. It felt perfect. Everything about the day was perfect. I was so engrossed in the conversation that I lost my awareness of the background. A few seconds later, I felt Ryder’s hands pushing me by the shoulders. I fell hard towards the hardened tar and it took me a second to get back to reality. Before I knew it, a bike crashed into him. I couldn’t comprehend what I saw. My mind went blank. I heard him yell with pain.
The panic-induced adrenaline in me patted down my pockets in search of my phone. My fingers were trembling. After a couple of mins, the paramedics arrived. They rushed him into the ambulance and took off.
I couldn’t stop the tears as I followed them. The doctor who diagnosed him attended his case. Upon further review, he realized the internal bleeding from the accident wasn’t clotting even with the artificial clotters.
I saw him rush down to the cashier to call someone. Within an hour, his parents arrived. I saw them tear-filled as they entered the doorways. They met with the doctor. As he laid down the news, the sight was unbearable. Seeing them break down made me cry. The inevitable was here. I went to the washroom and faced the mirror. With each teardrop, my fear of loneliness comes back. The only person whom I loved is going away. And I’m not ready for it.
Fate loves to play with your feelings. I am completely f*****g broken inside. Yes, I got attached to you fast because I was numb for so long and you showed me and made me feel something I haven’t felt or seen for a long time.
I wiped off my tears and got outside. Walking towards Ryder, I noticed his parents standing there. He was tearing up as well. His mother held his hand as she broke the news to him. That broken sadness I saw in him was replaced by a smile when he noticed me standing.
“Maeve… Hey. Come here,” He said smiling, wiping the tears that were forming. I walked slowly towards the bed.
“Mom. Dad. This is Maeve. She’s the one I was talking about,”
They looked at me with sincere smiles. I knew how hard they were trying not to burst out crying in front of him.
“Maeve. Can you step outside for a moment?” He asked.
“Yeah. Sure,”
He and his parents had a deep conversation. It went on for a while and ended with a hug. They walked out and met with me. His mother placed her hand on my face and patted my cheeks.
“Maeve. Come on,” He called me. I walked in. He moved a bit to the side and invited me to sit beside him. I slowly entered the bed.
“So… this is it I guess,” He said with a chuckle.
“No. No, it isn’t. Please don’t say that,”
“We knew this was coming. It was just a matter of when. That moment has arrived—” He noticed me crying and wiped my tears. I don’t know what happened next but I remember breaking down and crying on his shoulders.
“Hey hey… It’ll be alright. Trust me. It’s gonna hurt for a little while. But I have faith in you… you’ll get over the pain. It’s a truth of life you know. No matter how close you are to a person, you know you have to part ways with them. It’s a painful truth–” His voice cracked. “--I wish truths weren’t painful,”
He held my hand. I noticed they were becoming pale. We sat there for what seemed like an eternity.
“You can’t force what’s not meant to be, Maeve. Be proud of your kind heart, not everyone has it. Never ever try to change who you are–” His voice became weak. He became as pale as a ghost. I held on to his hand tighter.
“---never bring yourself down. You are your own story,” He looked at me and gave me that smile. The smile that gave me life. His head slowly leaned onto my shoulder. His grip on my hand began to ease up. This was it. I hadn’t heard his voice for a few minutes. I wasn’t ready to accept the reality of him dying on my shoulders. He died on my f*****g shoulders.
The monitor flatlined. The doctors rushed in. His mother took me away from them and comforted me.
We watched as the doctors gave their last attempt to sustain his life. I could see the doctor’s disappointment. His father came over and hugged us both. He tried to remain strong and not cry but no father can hide away the emotion of losing their own child.
We stood there as the doctors covered the drapes on him. A few days later, I stood by his grave at his funeral. I thanked him one last time before departing. As I walked away, Ryder’s parents called me. They asked me how I felt about being adopted by them.
Ryder had only one wish on his deathbed: for his parents to adopt her. He felt this could help his parents deal with the absence of their son through a daughter and help Maeve finally be a part of a family. They told me how much he would talk of “Maeve,”
“You can take your time to think about it. Whatever your decision might be, we’ve made a promise to our son to be there with you at all times,” I smiled at them and told them I would be more than happy to be a part of their lives. That night they invited me to their house and told me to take up Ryder’s room. I chuckled as I remember the last time I was here. On his table, I noticed a piece of paper. The curiosity in me took it and opened it up. It was his bucket list. The list only had one item that was struck out: “To find love,” In its place, he wrote: “Help Maeve,”
Fin…
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