Paranoid like Me(Radrook) Paranoid like Me
By Radrook Written approx. ten years ago,.

We had been preparing ourselves for chemically-induced hibernation for our one-thousand five-hundred light-year return to Earth, when the red-dwarf star suddenly emerged from behind the edge of the Horsehead Nebula. No big deal. A simple cataloging of it into the ships records would have been suffice if not for the pale orb that was clearly a planet in orbit around it in the Goldilocks zone.

Then, to our dismay, spectral analysis revealed the atmosphere was humanly breathable with no alien pathogenic organisms, and
gravitational interactions proclaimed it a little less massive than Earth. So much for our quick return home. Protocol demanded orbital observation, and soon we were gazing down on lush emerald forests interlaced with yellows and reds and of nature sprawling majestically from horizon to horizon-a panorama which would have caused Earth's vaunted Amazon to have wept with envy.

But that's where similarities ended. Unlike the Amazon, which had once teemed with a bewildering variety of animal-life, this biosphere was desolate, except for the occasional small timid, biped mammal-like humanoids with an uncanny anatomical resemblance to human females, narrow shoulders, wide hips, mamaries. We chose to call then Tykes whom they somewhat resembled, their heads being disproportionately large for their smooth hairless, porcelain white bodies. They had large blue oval eyes and full long white-whiskered cheeks, with apelike paws that found their way into everything.

Curiously, they all scurried into the forest as we set down atop small barren hill surrounded by a grassy plain fringed by thick, yellow, rod-like growths that arched like roller-coaster tracks, disappearing into the moist, brown soil and re-emerging several feet apart.

Soon our ship sensors detected large numbers of these creatures peeking through the thick tall blades of windswept purple grass-like vegetation, chirping and then scurrying away frantically when we approached.

As expected, our Captain, the Austrian American Alex Rickenbacker, a notorious paranoid, issued a general prohibition against personal contact with aliens, and as usual, he displayed the scars he'd sustained on Sirius II for having been stupid.

There is a difference between being trusting and stupid, but who could make him realize that? He knew it all, and sported the rank to make sure that we abided by his paranoia.

Well, I decided to talk to him about it and found the captain carefully examining some holographic images of the planet being displayed above his console. I'd just been informed about the severe restrictions placed on the crew, and wanted to see if he could talk some sense into the old geezer.

"Permission to speak freely sir!" I said in the most respectful voice I could muster.

"What's on your mind Garcia?" The smirk on his insolent face indicated that he was ready to do his usual thing.

"I have just been informed about the restrictions placed on the crew concerning crew-alien interaction. Aren’t we being a little paranoid here, sir?" I uttered while remaining at attention

"We have discussed this several times before haven't we son?" he responded calmly. Of course this meant that he expected to be listened to as if he were a father.

"Yes sir, but, don’t you think we should ease up a bit this time? I mean, this is our last mission before retirement."

"So what? The danger remains the same!"

"Well, sir, I think that the crew deserves at least one pleasant memory? You know, something that we can reminisce about instead of just a ten-year long trail of monotonous quick routine stops and reporting to follow-through exploration teams.

"But that’s our job son," he replied while nonchalantly pretending to inspect the holographics.

"To seek, survey, report is our motto." he added mechanically.

"Yes sir I know."

"You do? Do you really Garcia?"

"Yes sir. But you are leaving out the human factor, sir."

"The human factor?"

He flicked hologram off with a wave of a hand and glared at me in his critical paternalistic way. He was the oldest of the crew and his gray hair lent him an air of authority that he otherwise would have lacked due to his very short stature. I was 5' 5" tall but hovered over his 5'3.

"Yes sir, the human factor." I responded as respectfully as I could despite my almost irresistible urge to laugh in his face.

"And what might that human factor be, son, illuminate me."

"The crew's human need for interaction with other sentient creatures sir!"

"Interactions you say?" The captain's upper lip had begun to quiver below his thick white mustache, and his small fists were clenched. I knew what was coming next, but what could I do?

"Let me show you what interspecies interaction can mean!" he said hoarsely.

Before I knew it, he'd slipped out of his blue uniform-shirt, and was proudly displaying the reddish scar-tissue that festooned his pale, narrow chest and flabby abdomen.

“That’s what species interaction got me!” he rasped bitterly.

“I understand sir, but- “

“As long as I’m captain of this ship none of my crew will go home scarred the way I am son.”

“We appreciate it sir. But you see--”

"No you don’t see Garcia. This is totally non-negotiable. So pestering me about it will get you nowhere. If you have any complaints then take it up with the EEO when we get back to Luna colony. Until then, it's either put up or shut up!” the Bastard said pointing his finger a few inches from my face.

“Understood?”

“Yes sir!”

Well, the captain had decided to take three days to evaluate planetary habitability as company protocol demanded and kept the Tykes at a safe distance by setting up a force field around the ship. He had also required that each man holster a weapon at all times whenever a Tyke was allowed within the perimeter of landing area for our humanoidologist, Brian Jones, to examine. Even then, the examinations were carefully supervised and never was he left alone with one. Of course I wanted to get the doctor’s take on the
Tykes. So went over to medical where he was in the process of evaluating his latest results from examining one. I found him staring up at a holographic sonogram of the Tyke’s internal anatomy. He knew what I was after as soon as he noticed me, and went into an explanation.

"Well, they seem totally inoffensive to me!" he gestured toward the data that was holographically hovering over his the now vacant examination bed.

"As you can see, they have an herbivorous digestive systems similar to our ruminants, and as all humanoids, they share general physical characteristics. Behaviorally the difference is in their seemingly childish behavior. But of course, you don’t need me to tell you that since it’s quite obvious.”

Brian had spoken with his usual air of absolute certainty. So I figured I’d throw him one of my curve-balls.

"Are they capable?" I whispered while staring at him suspiciously.

“Capable?” he responded nervously anticipating one of my usual conversations, which usually left him unnerved.

"You know," I said leeringly.

"No I don t know!" He slowly walked away from me and I followed.

"Are they female?"

"Now wait just a second! I know exactly where this is heading. You know very well what company policy is in reference to human and humanoid intimate contact!"

"Just a simple question my friend! Are they or aren't they? I mean, you did examine that part of their anatomy-didn't you?"

"Pulling my leg again eh Garcia? Well, they do have certain features that are analogous to the female of the human species, but those are not designed with the same purpose. The breasts for example are totally muscular, they lack a womb and what you might consider a birth canal is nothing more than a dead end whose purpose I have as yet to ascertain."

Despite his attempt at taking my bantering in stride, Brian had broken out in a profuse sweat and for the first time I realized just how much of a strain the whole procedure had placed on the poor celibate fellow.

"To be honest, Garcia, I don t feel comfortable around them, and the sooner we leave this place the better off we'll be.

"So they can copulate if they wanted to? "

"Well I suppose so. But there is no sign of a male counterpart. That organ so similar outwardly to the human female vagina, might very well serve for excretion. Although we as yet haven't detected any evidence. That is extremely unusual, I hope you realize.

"But they are friendly?

"Well, you've been around them as much as I have. All they do is look awed and astonished. What else can I say?"

"Then it shouldn't make any difference if we associate, should it?"

"Well, Garcia, you know that's strictly against the rules."

"Ever hear of the saying that rules were meant to be broken?"

"You know full-well that I don’t have the authority-"

"To hell with authority, Brian. In fact, to hell with the captain and his paranoia.

"I wouldn't exactly call it paranoia. I mean, he does have the scars!"

"To hell with his scars as well. He's been showing off those scars now for twenty years space-time. How do we know he didn’t inflict them himself? In fact, there are places you can have that done, you know? Totally illegal, but it can be done.”

"For what reason? For heaven’s sakes!"

"Vanity! Brian. Vanity! Some people thrive on attention.”

"Now you are sounding paranoid." Brian had said staring at me as if I had been an escapee from some asteroidal insanity colony.

"Well, I don't to know about you, but I m tired of being cooped up in this ship and I'll be damned if this psycho deprives me of a pleasant memory."

Brian had reluctantly agreed not to report my indiscretion and that night, our last night on the planet, I planned it all meticulously. I bribed one of the guards to lower the force-field shield momentarily so I could slip through unnoticed. Then I made my way across the thick bioluminescent underbrush toward the Tyke village located on the banks of a shallow, narrow stream approx. two miles from the ship

After decades of being surrounded by metal, the soft touch of moist vegetation on my skin was soothing . The atmosphere carried a thousand different scents and each one set off a kaleidoscopic shower of colors in my occipital visual cortex. Odor-color synesthesia, they call it. I had read about it but never imagined I’d experience it .

I had taken a disintegrator with me just in case. But now I deemed it unnecessary and found myself carelessly throwing it into the bush. If only the captain could have felt what I felt and seen what I was seeing he'd know I had been right he would have understood why. These memories were priceless and made all the long years of sacrifice worthwhile.

Once at the village, I was greeted by the Tykes with the same curiosity as always, chirping inquisitively, and staring as if in utter awe. Leading me by the hand, they stationed me within a circle and began chanting in unison. Under the triple red-tinged moons framed by the light-rimmed Horsehead Nebula, a sight that our force field had blurred, they swayed their feminine-like forms and I was in a paradise of visual ecstasy.

There was no malice here. The malice was within the human heart which imagined evil in pristine places. Why couldn't the captain see? Why couldn’t he understand the folly of projecting his inner twisted self unto innocent creatures who meant us no harm?

I remember those thoughts clearly as I am thinking them today, here, right now. I recall the chanting becoming one lugubrious song, and time becoming irrelevant as I began drifting as if in an endless void while the bell-like voices echoed in the far retreating distance, too far for me hear clearly. Gradually I drifted away, until the blackness of unconsciousness enveloped me.

Then abruptly, I had awakened. I was still within the enigmatic ceremonial circle of brown rod-like growths, but the village with its squat mud huts was deserted, and the surrounding landscape had begun to glow a dull red as the red-dwarf sun ushered in the alien dawn.

I called out repeatedly, but no one answered. I felt myself stumbling half-conscious back to the ship. Something was peculiar about my legs and my body coordination, but I couldn’t decipher it at the time. I had planned to sneak back in before the captain noticed my absence, but now I would have hell to pay. But no matter. The beautiful memory could never be taken from me.

Beyond the forest’s roller-coaster growths perimeter, I heard the faint, familiar thrumming of the ship's engines in preparation for departure. I was glad to see it was still stationed majestically on the hill, with the crew standing with weapons at ready. Then they nervously repositioned themselves as I approached.

Suddenly behind me there were high-pitched chuckles and sporadic hyena-like laughter.

Weird how I hadn’t detected the Tykes' nearness before. Several attempted to take me back to the village, but were halted by accurate fire from sonic blasters calibrated to stun. Then, as I tried to get nearer to the ship, the landscape swirled and I lost consciousness.

How long it finally took me to regain my senses, I don't know. Weeks? Months? But when I did, I found myself not in my previously-assigned-quarters, but within an enclosure on board the ship. Above me a mirror had been positioned so that I could see myself, and when I did, I screamed in horror at the grotesque creature staring back at me.

Then I heard the captain shout out to Brian, the ship's humanoidologist.

“Go ask the blithering bastard who’s a paranoid now.”

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