"Wait? What?"(Kevin Hughes) Well, I don’t really know where to start. I mean every movie, book, or story …starts with the Aliens having a much more advanced Civilization…with a technology that is far superior to ours. And they are smarter too. That’s what makes it so difficult to explain what happened to me. Oh, I am sure you know my name, Benjamin P. Padcaster. Yes…I am that Benjamin.

The Man the Aliens first contacted. And, so far, the only one they will talk with. And yes, I do trade them beer for technology. And crackers. And sometimes…coffee: which they adore and I must dole out in small amounts- you would not believe what it does to their metabolisms. And, yes, I know I begin my sentences with a conjunction. And is that a problem? It isn’t for me. Or the Aliens.

Are they more advanced then us? Yes…and no. Sure they can travel across the Cosmos with ease…almost nonchalantly. And we can’t even get a Base on the Moon. So in that Department…it is a solid “Yes.” But they were stunned when I showed them the wheel. Yep. They had never seen a wheel before. Not one. And they tell me when they get back to their world…some of them are going to become filthy rich when they reveal the wheel.

Beer. That’s another one that completely avoided coming up on their Radar. It doesn’t make them drunk…like it does us. They need coffee for that kind of effect. And that’s not really a valid comparison. Seeing one of the Aliens after a Coffee or two makes the old Redneck saying “hold my beer” look like a kids party. Aliens get: drunk, stoned, high, hallucinate, have epiphanies galore. (So many that a new Religion is brewing as we speak. Sorry about the pun.) On top of all that, it stimulates an area of their brains that we don’t have. (And, yes, they have more than one brain.)

That area allows them to leave their bodies…literally. And finding their way back is a hit or miss event. The ones that can’t find their way back, usually after four or more cups of Coffee - are called husks. And any body can just take the husk home and then, later, inhabit it. So don’t ask.

The other thing they love , that we have, and they don’t…are clothes. Clothes are a big hit among the Aliens. Our Clothes. Except the Aliens don’t have sexual genders…so they put lipstick on their eye buds, shave their tongues, and wear a skirt with a Tuxedo jacket and Cumber-bun. And don’t ask me about their tongues.

You tell me how a species that will willingly shave their own tongues (just for a Fad) and were completely unaware of the wheel- found a way to travel through SpaceTime without understanding any physics at al…I am waiting. They don’t have Science as we know it. Nor do they use Math…at least as we know it. Remember that bit I told you about having a different area in the brain…and having more than one brain? Well, it turns out that those organs perform some of the same calculations and equations that we have to write out.

I guess the closest you could compare how they think …is poetry. The Universe is a Poem that they can read with their organs. So the wheel never came up. And beer…well, remember I told you I use that to trade for the things we want…like that weird green mint sap like goo that they gave us, which instantly restores any broken bone, skin, or organ to pristine condition. Well the reason I trade them beer…is that beer allows them to hear music. I’m not kidding. Until they drink beer, there is no Music in any part of their brain. Go figure. Beer for the Green Sap Medicine…seemed like a fair trade for me.

And one more thing I traded for…Peace.

It turns out that the Aliens don’t have war. Never have. Their Society is based on cooperation and altruism. They couldn’t even understand the concept of personal violence. I had to punch one as a demonstration. Right on the nose. And believe me, they have sensitive noses. Three of them. I gave him/her/it whatever…a good solid poke. Then I explained that we do that with sticks, rocks, bullets, cannons, and even lasers…just trying to kill each other off for some profit, pride, or piece of land.

One of the Elders said: “Oh that. Yes, we remember that…it is called “fighting.” So we can fix that.”

I asked them how…and what they would want in exchange. The Elders all laughed.

“Nothing. Peace is so less expensive than fighting that it pays for itself.”

I gave them Bubble Gum anyway.

Yep. Bubble Gum, and before you ask, you should know that blowing pink billowy bubble gum bubbles has already become a Competitive Professional Sport on their Ship.

And one more thing…they adore Broccoli. Broccoli. Adore it.

“Wait? What?"

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