"What is happening to me?"(Kevin Hughes) “You have to be kidding me.”

“Sadly, no I am not.”

She stared at me for a long long time. Then…she sighed.

“I have been a Therapist for more decades than I care to remember. And I never remember anyone with your…err…condition. Explain it to me …again.”

“Do I have to?”

“If you want me to help you, or even understand you…yes.”

Her eyes were clear. There was no judgement in them. I guess if you have been a Therapist who specializes in Fantasy/Delusion cases, well you learn to just listen. At least at first. She just sat there with not quite a smile on her face. Relaxed and determined to wait me out until I told the story…again. This time, it was me that sighed.

“Okay. It’s pretty simple really. (Her eyebrows went up at that- but I ignored them.) I used to fantasize about my knees healing up, my artificial hips being reabsorbed by my body …somehow.”

She interrupted me:

“Hips? Reabsorbed? How?”

I got a grim look on my face.

“How the hell am I supposed to know how Titanium and chromium get absorbed and fed to every bone in the body? It was a fantasy…remember?”

I think I actually scowled at her…because her eyebrows rose again. This time clearly saying I was very close to crossing a line. The “Old Me” kicked in.

“I didn’t mean to be…well…mean. It’s just that this is all so crazy. I really don’t know how my body was able to absorb the metals, and make my bones almost indestructible. It just…happened.”

“Really? I mean isn’t this just a full fledged fantasy. It is very common for older people (nodding in my direction) to want to reclaim their youth. Yours…well, it is just more forceful than most delusions.”

I must have turned beat red. She leaned back in her chair as if she was afraid of me. I was just embarrassed …that’s all. Not angry. Confused as all get out…but not angry. So I told her the next part.

“Yeah, I can see how you would think that. But let me ask you Doctor…what other component is in Hip Replacement Hardware?”

She thought for a second.

“I’m not sure. Some have plastic for the ball joint and others have ceramic…don’t they?”

I was glad she knew at least that much about having a hip replaced. It made it easier to tell my story.

“Yeah. Well, I am a Veteran. So they pay for the most common replacement parts, not the high tech ceramic stuff. So my hip sockets and ball joint were made of plastic. And do you know how the human body absorbs plastic?”

“It doesn’t.”

“Exactly! And that is why I know I am not hallucinating, fantasizing, or delusional.”

“What do you mean?”

“Doc, the Human Body does not absorb plastic. Not at all.”

“So?”

I reached down into my bag and pulled out both my ball joints and hip sockets. Her eyes grew wide. Her hand flew to her mouth.

“NO!”

“Yes. Those are mine! And believe me, getting them out …well the natural way…let’s just say I have true empathy for any woman in Labor now. Real empathy.”

She made a disgusted face.

“You…you’re not telling me…you pooped them out…are you?”

“Yes. I am. It was a long painful bowel movement. Don’t worry I washed them with bleach…several times. They are clean.”

“How do I know you just didn’t get a pair from some Doctor’s Office, and you just believe they came out of you?

I sighed again. I pulled out a set of X-rays.

“Look for yourself. Here is me three weeks ago…for my regular check up on my hips. And here is the X-ray from last Wednesday. The day after my bowel movement. You see any “fake hips” anywhere in that second set?”

I watched as all the color drained from her face.

“What did your Doctor say when he saw these?’

“He hasn’t. He is on vacation somewhere in the Caribbean. The Radiologist just assumed that the X-rays got mixed up. In fact, if you read the notes on that second set, he makes it pretty clear. “

She looked down at the Radiology Report.

“Patient has excellent bone density. No signs of Arthritis. Ball and socket are normal…except for not showing any signs of wear and tear expected in a man over seventy years old. There is also some indication that there is heavy metal concentration in all the long bones of the body. Further studies may be required. This man has never had a hip replacement…and none is recommended. “

“So…why did you come to me?”

“I need help. Am I nuts? Crazy? What do I tell my Doctor when he comes back and realizes this has happened? Is it a miracle? Am I imagining it? Is there an explanation?”

She asked me to stand up. I did. She had me balance on one foot. I did. Then she had me stand on the other leg. I did. Then she asked me about my glasses. I gave them to her. She took hers off, and put mine on.

“Jesus, did you really need these to see?”

I nodded.

I could see it click …like her mind was one of those old style Alarm Clocks where the whole number flops down to signal the next minute.

“Let me guess…you don’t need them anymore.”

I just nodded. I couldn’t trust my voice. I just held out my hand after reaching in my pocket. I pulled two small items out and put them in the palm of her hand.

“Your..hearing aides?”

I nodded again.

Her legs gave out and she plopped down into her chair with a soft thud and a grunt. Her mind must have been racing a million miles an hour…because she seemed to forget I was still standing in front of her. Finally she looked up at me. Her eyes were almost as confused as mine.

“What else?”

I was embarrassed to say it. But she is a Doctor. So I told her.

“I am horny now. All…the…time. And it is like I am seventeen again…because…well, I could carry a towel on that thing now…a wet towel.”

“Anything else?”

“Yeah. I ran a mile yesterday.”

She gave me a small smile. I could see the hope in it.

“That’s not unusual for a seventy two year old man. And you said you were a runner in College.”

I shook my head.

“Yeah, I was about average for a X-Country Runner. Five and half minute miles …at best. Good enough to be one of the seven, but never good enough to be a Counter.”

“So you can run a mile again. That isn’t significant.”

I just stared.

“I ran it in four minutes and twelve seconds.”

“Oh.”

“There is one more thing. I took off my shirt…when I started to unbuckle my pants she got a bit nervous. I reassured her right away.

“Just hang on. Look at me…not a hair anywhere. Smooth as a baby. Here…touch my arm.”

She reluctantly reached over and gently stroked my arm. It was as smooth and supple as any young teenager in the bloom of youth.”

“Now, look at my teeth!”

She looked. All thirty two were there. Perfect. White. No wear and tear.

I reached into my bag again. I pulled out a ziplock bag. In it were my teeth. Twenty one teeth, a bridge with three teeth tied together. Three crowns (all on Molars) and one Dental Implant. That last one was complete with the screw they put in my jaw. It hurt like heck, and cost more than all the other dental work combined. And it never stopped hurting until it came out. I was missing four teeth. Not anymore.

“Oh. My. God.”

"Is there anything else?”

I recited the Gettysburg Address, the “Mercy” speech from the Merchant of Venice, and Hamlet’s soliloquy …word for word. Then I recited the Log Tables, Pi to twenty six places, and named all the Moons of Jupiter. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head.

“Yeah. My brain is young again too. I haven’t done those speeches since High School …more than fifty years ago.”

“This is remarkable. You need to get scanned, examined…your blood, X-rays, I mean everything. You are a Medical Marvel. You are not crazy. You are just dealing with an insane set of circumstances.”

I slammed my fist on her desk. It startled a squeak out of her.

“I…AM…NOT… A…LAB…RAT. I am not a FREAK! Something for you to poke and prod and write papers about. I am a Human Being…help me!”

And then I broke down and sobbed. I don’t remember much until a while later. I woke up in a Hospital Bed. As soon as the stuff attached to me showed I was awake…she burst back into my room.

“I am so sorry I had to put you under. It was a mild sedative. You have been asleep for about twelve hours. It is just after 8 AM…and you are doing just fine. “

“Did you tell anyone?”

“No. I just told them you had a psychotic episode, triggered by trauma.”

I nodded. I felt funny. Younger. I looked down at my body. I was thinner. And taller. I couldn’t remember my name. But I know I had talked to this Lady yesterday. Most of the fear was gone. She smiled at me Kindly.

“It is going to be okay. I think I know what is going on.”

“What? Am I sick or something?”

“Do you remember coming to see me yesterday?”

“Sort of…but I can’t remember why.”

She nodded in confirmation.

“For whatever reason…you are reverting to puberty. Your blood work, hormonal work up, and X-rays show a boy of about fifteen going through a growth spurt. You have an exceptional IQ, your bone density is off the charts, and in every way…you are in perfect health. “

“Then what is going on…I can’t remember my name!”

“Oh, don’t let that worry you. Tomorrow I will tell you your name.”

“Why tomorrow?”

“Because I think the transition will be done by then. You’ll see.”

“I’m getting adopted?”

“Yes. Your new Mother will be here shortly. We just got the Paper Work faxed over a few minutes ago. It is quite unusual for a fifteen year old with no history of Foster Care to be adopted this late…you should be glad.”

I guess I was. I had no idea why I was here. I don’t remember anything. I guess it must have been the trauma that blocked my mind. I shrugged. I knew I didn’t belong here in a Hospital. I felt fine.

The door opened. A Kindly looking older Lady beamed at me. The Nurse turned and smiled at her:

“Here’s your Son, Doctor. All cleaned up and ready to go.”

I looked at the Lady. Her eyes were so kind.

“Are you a Doctor?”

“I was.”

“What are you now?”

“I’m your Mom.”

That felt right.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, can we stop somewhere to eat?”

She laughed. I liked her laugh.

“Of course, you teenagers are always hungry. You are growing like a weed!”

I looked in the mirror. I towered over her. I wondered how tall I was…so I asked.

“Eh…Mom…how tall am I?”

“You are about six foot two now…but you might grow another couple inches. We will know in a few years.”

I looked in the closet as we walked out the door. I must have taken the room from some old man. In the closet was a suit…and whoever’s it was, couldn’t have been more than five foot six or so. There is no way it would fit me ever.

Mom saw me looking at it…smiled and said:

“You have a new suit at home.”

It made me laugh.

I was hungry.

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