Alone at last(Luna) Music blasts from the car’s speakers as we drive in the blushing sunset, colors melting in the fluffy clouds. I am looking at his face; the dark blue eyes are curtained by a thin tear membrane which vibrates in the soft lights. I let the music envelope my ears and the wind catch into my hair, and I want it to take me away, I want to dematerialize in the burning sky.

He doesn’t look at me when we get out of the car next to the green field. The setting sun melts the horizon and I watch it slowly make its way beyond the hills where we are headed. He locks the car and steps on the pure grass and memories come back of many sunsets that shone down on us in this spot, many moonrays that illuminated our hot skins. But the sun seems coy now and I am cold, goosebumps crawl up on my spine as we walk on the uncut grass. When we reach a point from where the car is only a tiny dot in the distance he lays down and I follow him, turning my face towards the cloudless sky vibrating in pink, yellow, golden. I look at him again, his hair falls into his face and his chest rises as he says the words:
‘I am breaking up with you’

I don’t answer because deep down I knew the moment we got into the car. I look back at the sky and I feel a heavy pressure settling on my chest, as if the balance of the world was disturbed and now it’s my job to hold it. The tears that were patiently lining up behind my lashes slowly dry up and my vision is clear again, fixated on the sky that loses color with the last ray of sunshine sinking behind the hill. It is getting dark and I am still silent.

‘I love you’ I tell him but my voice is blank and I realize that I didn’t really say it, I just wanted to and now it feels too late. ‘You were the first boy who made me feel like a person.’ but I am still silent and motionless, like a statue carved into shadows. The moon creeps up on the sky, its pale light dropping down on our bodies. I look at him and his gaze is fixated on the moon but then it turns to me and I know he is serious. I don’t ask him why, and I know I will regret it later. I don’t want to know, I don’t want to feel. Escapism. I want to go away.

The wind rustles the dry grass and I trace a constellation in the sky. And I think that we are just like that, stars in the sky, very far away from each other. I sit up and avoid his gaze that tries to catch mine. I try to convince myself that he doesn’t matter anymore but he does.

‘I guess we should head back then’ I tell him.

‘I am scared I will miss you’ he gasps as I stand up, facing away from him.

‘That’s silly. There is nothing between us anymore’ I start walking towards the car and the wind tries to push me back but I resist. I can hear him walking behind me and I turn abruptly, facing him once more, sinking into his labradorite eyes.

‘Please don’t leave me’ I want to say. ‘I can’t do it alone. I don’t want to be alone’ but the wind steals my words and plays with them before disappearing into the endless field, and I am empty like a vessel of my own soul. I can hear my heartbeat and my chest hurts, as if it was caving in. I feel his arms around me and I freeze, trying to escape the warm memories emerging from the sensation. I step away and walk to the car, settling on the passenger seat.

‘Why do you never talk?’ he asks and I want to tell him everything but somehow it sounds false. I feel like as soon as I say who I am really I lose myself with the words escaping my mouth.

‘I don’t know’

I don’t know. The music starts and the engine runs as he steps on the gas and we are leaving behind the field, the stars and the constellations. There is nothing here anymore. I want to be hollow like a broken bell jar. I close my eyes and the music echoes through my head as I think: “Alone at last.”

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