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Carbon-free? Show us!

By Simon Willis

Born 1956, M, from Portsmouth, Hampshire, United Kingdom

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A few human turds floating between Plymouth and New York in August 2019 might have been a drop in the ocean in the scheme of environment pollution. But hey! Who cared? Not, the then 16-year-old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg. She was sharpening up her wrathful rhetoric on board a 60-foot Malizia II. This craft has it all — solar panels and underwater turbines that produce electricity on board, with the aim of making the journey zero-carbon. What this boat does not have is a toilet. Despite the relatively microscopic rise in urea (contains carbon) and undigested carbohydrate matter (which makes up 25 per cent of human faeces) from those on board, Fröken Thunberg crossed the Ally-Ally-Oh to scream into a microphone and harangue a United Nations summit. At least she set an example. As for those who attended that summit and the recent COP28 in Dubai, to what extent did they play their part in cutting carbon emissions and save the planet from burning up next year?

The Government of the United Arab Emirates is working to ensure that delegates have a range of smooth running and sustainable modes of transport. So said the UNFCC website prior to the opening of COP28.
“Due to the limited car parking in the Blue Zone, delegates are encouraged to use Dubai Metro to reach the conference venue, which will be complemented by a conference shuttle bus system.” Very nice, but who had the nerve to turn up in their own car? And what does the Dubai Metro run on? Electricity? Are there enough solar panels to run an underground railway? Even so, to the best of my knowledge, none of the delegates arrived in Dubai by carbon-zero yacht. If anyone had, we would have been treated to wall-to-wall I-came-by-sustainable-transport-so-there! What’s the betting that delegates arrived by air.

As for all that paperwork for such an event, the carbon footprint of a sheet of A4 paper is 4.26 grammes. The bumf that is turned out for COP28 must run into tonnes of CO2 emissions. For the smug, who like to show off their paperless procedures, there’s the laptop. This versatile device has an annual carbon footprint of 422.5 kilos. Those who turned up for this year’s talk fest might rely on photocopied hand-outs. Using a single photocopier every working day over a twelve month results in emissions of 270 kilos of carbon dioxide. This is before the carbon footprints of hotel accommodation, facilities, utilities and torch-lit barbecues by the swimming pool are factored in.

But here’s the biggie. If you think Greta Thunberg keeps on, politicians and their ilk keep on and on and on. Consider the carbon-dioxide the speakers generate. The average human exhales about 1.04 kilos of carbon dioxide in the course of a day. But podium- and panel fodder are not average organisms. Loquacity is their job. Imagine 200 attendees gabbing on for six hours a day for 13 days — that’s 112 kilos of CO2. They’ve been pumping out this prime greenhouse gas since 1995, so that bumps up the total to 3.13 tonnes of the stuff.

Next year, COP29 will be in Baku, Azerbaijan, whence we can expect to be reminded of our profligate use of the world’s resources and the destruction of the environment. Instead, the talkers and the bigwigs might restore a tiny bit of their credibility if they put their minds to it and set an example. Delegates should walk to the venue — all the way from London. It’s only 3,827 kilometres. Not exactly a walk in the park, but it’ll be well worth the complacence. If they want to cut the journey time in half, they can cycle. Maybe a balloon, filled with green hydrogen but toilet not included, of course, will add a little romance to the proceedings in Central Asia. They should develop prodigious memories and cease to rely on any form of documentation. The history of Azerbaijan is said to be influenced by the movement of nomadic tribes in the region. Nomads live in tents, so attendees can stay under canvas or goat hair for the duration of the conference. Flatter the hosts with cultural awareness and cut emissions at the same time. Be kind to the planet. Forget about conference halls. Meet in the open air and save electricity. Wear an overcoat or two.

These trailblazers will truly set the supreme example by being dispatched to Mars, where they can witter on until their heart’s content. They can produce carbon dioxide without fear of censure or rebuke. The Martian atmosphere is 95 per cent carbon dioxide, so the speakers will be in their element. (Mixed metaphor fully intended) Besides, 16.4 per cent of exhaled air is oxygen, so they can terraform the Red Planet. Indeed, we’re going to need a refuge when Earth becomes a cinder spinning silently in space. In the meantime, we have the means to transition away from conferences on how to reverse global warming.

Carbon-free? Show us!(Simon Willis) A few human turds floating between Plymouth and New York in August 2019 might have been a drop in the ocean in the scheme of environment pollution. But hey! Who cared? Not, the then 16-year-old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg. She was sharpening up her wrathful rhetoric on board a 60-foot Malizia II. This craft has it all — solar panels and underwater turbines that produce electricity on board, with the aim of making the journey zero-carbon. What this boat does not have is a toilet. Despite the relatively microscopic rise in urea (contains carbon) and undigested carbohydrate matter (which makes up 25 per cent of human faeces) from those on board, Fröken Thunberg crossed the Ally-Ally-Oh to scream into a microphone and harangue a United Nations summit. At least she set an example. As for those who attended that summit and the recent COP28 in Dubai, to what extent did they play their part in cutting carbon emissions and save the planet from burning up next year?

The Government of the United Arab Emirates is working to ensure that delegates have a range of smooth running and sustainable modes of transport. So said the UNFCC website prior to the opening of COP28.
“Due to the limited car parking in the Blue Zone, delegates are encouraged to use Dubai Metro to reach the conference venue, which will be complemented by a conference shuttle bus system.” Very nice, but who had the nerve to turn up in their own car? And what does the Dubai Metro run on? Electricity? Are there enough solar panels to run an underground railway? Even so, to the best of my knowledge, none of the delegates arrived in Dubai by carbon-zero yacht. If anyone had, we would have been treated to wall-to-wall I-came-by-sustainable-transport-so-there! What’s the betting that delegates arrived by air.

As for all that paperwork for such an event, the carbon footprint of a sheet of A4 paper is 4.26 grammes. The bumf that is turned out for COP28 must run into tonnes of CO2 emissions. For the smug, who like to show off their paperless procedures, there’s the laptop. This versatile device has an annual carbon footprint of 422.5 kilos. Those who turned up for this year’s talk fest might rely on photocopied hand-outs. Using a single photocopier every working day over a twelve month results in emissions of 270 kilos of carbon dioxide. This is before the carbon footprints of hotel accommodation, facilities, utilities and torch-lit barbecues by the swimming pool are factored in.

But here’s the biggie. If you think Greta Thunberg keeps on, politicians and their ilk keep on and on and on. Consider the carbon-dioxide the speakers generate. The average human exhales about 1.04 kilos of carbon dioxide in the course of a day. But podium- and panel fodder are not average organisms. Loquacity is their job. Imagine 200 attendees gabbing on for six hours a day for 13 days — that’s 112 kilos of CO2. They’ve been pumping out this prime greenhouse gas since 1995, so that bumps up the total to 3.13 tonnes of the stuff.

Next year, COP29 will be in Baku, Azerbaijan, whence we can expect to be reminded of our profligate use of the world’s resources and the destruction of the environment. Instead, the talkers and the bigwigs might restore a tiny bit of their credibility if they put their minds to it and set an example. Delegates should walk to the venue — all the way from London. It’s only 3,827 kilometres. Not exactly a walk in the park, but it’ll be well worth the complacence. If they want to cut the journey time in half, they can cycle. Maybe a balloon, filled with green hydrogen but toilet not included, of course, will add a little romance to the proceedings in Central Asia. They should develop prodigious memories and cease to rely on any form of documentation. The history of Azerbaijan is said to be influenced by the movement of nomadic tribes in the region. Nomads live in tents, so attendees can stay under canvas or goat hair for the duration of the conference. Flatter the hosts with cultural awareness and cut emissions at the same time. Be kind to the planet. Forget about conference halls. Meet in the open air and save electricity. Wear an overcoat or two.

These trailblazers will truly set the supreme example by being dispatched to Mars, where they can witter on until their heart’s content. They can produce carbon dioxide without fear of censure or rebuke. The Martian atmosphere is 95 per cent carbon dioxide, so the speakers will be in their element. (Mixed metaphor fully intended) Besides, 16.4 per cent of exhaled air is oxygen, so they can terraform the Red Planet. Indeed, we’re going to need a refuge when Earth becomes a cinder spinning silently in space. In the meantime, we have the means to transition away from conferences on how to reverse global warming.

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Marla

12/29/2023

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Carbon-free? Show us!

COMMENTS (1)

Marla