A tale of unanswered yearning

Almost Around one'half years ago, I stumbled upon your profile, and from that very moment, I found myself inexplicably drawn to it. It's etched vividly in my memory—the day I clicked on your account, sparking a habit of returning daily, unable to resist the allure of your updates.

Yearning to initiate something with you fills my thoughts, yet a persistent doubt gnaws at me—I'm not as striking or accomplished as I imagine you'd prefer. What if I were to undergo a transformation, exhausting every avenue for self-improvement? Despite my efforts, the courage to make the first move eludes me. Insecurities and wavering confidence shackle me, preventing me from pursuing my desires. Consequently, I find myself resigned to merely gazing at you from afar, separated by the confines of a screen.


Your presence haunts my nights, disrupting my sleep with relentless thoughts of you. Even amidst the school day's hustle, the mere sight of an 'R' triggers the account of you. I've yearned to banish you from my mind, yet my stubborn heart, fueled by ego, refuses to release its grip. From beginning of-2022 , I struggled to muster the courage to let go. Surrounded by admirers and potential suitors, I wonder why it's you I pine for. I don't seek your undying devotion or declare you must love me above all; all I desire is a single conversation, perhaps once a week, to unravel the mystery of your life. But why do these thoughts torment me so? Do you even know I exist, or am I merely a face among your followers?

The torment persists as I find myself compulsively searching for your ID every time I share a story on Instagram. Why must I endure such suffering while you remain oblivious? Not once have you acknowledged my stories, a fact that lingers in my mind and fuels my doubts about being your type. Yet, despite it all, why can't we simply remain friends? All I long for is a solitary conversation with you. Fairytales are repulsive to me, for they always depict the pretty, perfect girls finding their happily ever afters. Isn't it peculiar to be haunted by someone who is very much alive?, I feel the strangeness keenly. Our story unfolds with each of us silently viewing the other's stories. There were moments when I contemplated unfollowing you, deleting you from my digital world, but a glimmer of hope restrained me, hoping that one day we might converse. Many months passed, and while you evolved, I noticed the subtle changes in your profile picture and the occasional new highlight or post that you would later archive. Yet, why do I remain so miserable in your shadow?

Why do I continue to dream of forging a connection with you? Dreams, they say, are merely dreams, but for some, they become a burden, an unattainable fantasy. I confess to having a folder dedicated to your photos in my gallery, captured through screenshots, a testament to my desperation. I know I must break free, reclaim my life, but your lingering presence stifles me. Please, just unfollow me, so I can sever this unhealthy attachment once and for all. Then, one day, you posted a picture of yourself with another girl, and it shattered me. Finally, I had a reason to move on, yet I find myself unable to let go. Despite knowing someone occupies your heart, I couldn't release my grip on you. In a bizarre twist, I even ended a relationship with one of the most attractive boys in the national rowing team fabricating a reason to justify my actions. But the truth remains: I broke up with him for someone who doesn't even know I exist, who doesn't know my name—a boy I've never met. If I were to reveal this reason for the breakup, I'd become the laughingstock. You've turned my world upside down, leaving me stranded in this cycle of longing and despair.


I confided in my friends about you, even showing them your profile. Their advice was simple: message first and see if there's a chance. But I couldn't bear the thought of becoming just another girl lingering in your message requests. My heart couldn't withstand the rejection. Despite their insistence, they'll never grasp the depth of my feelings for you. You, in some ways, became the catalyst for my transformation. Although I knew you hailed from the South india, your specific state remained a mystery. Our geographical separation felt immense, akin to the distance between Kashmir and Kanyakumari. My friends warned that if I remained passive, we'd forever remain strangers. But how could I muster the courage to text you when my insecurities screamed at me, warning against humiliation? They assured me I'd find someone better, but could anyone else ignite the same feelings within me? Could I ever like another as I liked you? Perhaps not, but I yearned to move forward, to date without your shadow looming over me.


You've etched yourself into the fabric of my teenage years, a presence I can't erase no matter how hard I try. They say time has a way of healing wounds, but sometimes it feels more like we're just learning to carry the weight of our past. What does "better" even mean in comparison to you? Why did my heart choose to latch onto someone I can never truly have? You'll likely never know that there's a girl on the other side of the screen, longing to connect with you, to be noticed by you. I resist the temptation to dive back into your world now, knowing it would only reopen old wounds and invite more pain.

I find myself drawn to another guy now, but it's different. There's an absence of that familiar flutter in my stomach, no involuntary leg shaking when I see his profile or engage in conversation. Is this just a fleeting attraction, or am I simply comparing everyone to the unattainable image of you? Your name, your initial 'R', they're like triggers to memories I'd rather leave behind. You've left behind a trauma you may never realize, and it's me who's left to bear the burden alone.

But why must I suffer so early in life? I refuse to let your memory dictate my happiness, yet my heart stubbornly clings to the hope of something that never truly existed. Perhaps, with time, it will learn to let go. For now, I hold onto that hope, as fragile as it may be.

I wish that no other girl would have to endure the pain I've felt, but are they all as hesitant as I am? Perhaps not. If only I had the courage to be straightforward from the start, maybe I wouldn't have suffered so much. But that's not who I am, and I can't change that. Some of us aren't born with the boldness to speak our minds freely, and for better or worse, I am one of those.

And for a brief period, I found solace, forgetting about you for a month. Giving up Instagram brought me newfound joy.
I know At teen age , I might not fully understand love, but what I felt for you was undeniably real. Love encompasses myriad emotions, and though my one had its complexities and it was basically one sided, it was genuine. I accepted that we don't always end up with those we love because sometimes, we are not meant for them. Sometimes We deserve better not the, and I needed to embrace that truth. I wish you well, hoping you find your true love. As for us, our chapter ends not with a happy ending, but with closure. Finally, I can engage with other guys without hesitation. It was tough, but it's in the past now, and I have no desire to revisit it in the future.

Thank you for being a catalyst in my journey of self-discovery, even though our paths may never cross again. You held a special place in my heart, a place filled with love and longing, but now, love has become a distant memory. You ignited a spark within me, inspiring me to pour my emotions onto the page. You were the muse behind my words, the subject of my first written expressions of affection. However, I sense that our story has reached its conclusion. I don't foresee myself revisiting this digital realm or tapping away at this keyboard again. After two tumultuous years, I've found peace within myself, releasing the grip you once held over my heart. The letter 'R', once a symbol of pain, now evokes admiration and gratitude for the lessons learned. It's time to bid farewell to this chapter of longing and embrace the unknown ahead. Though my love for you once burned bright, it's time to extinguish the flame and move forward with clarity and resolve.

Life moves on, albeit differently, but it moves on nonetheless.
21.12.2023