The Name's Karen(Martha Huett) According to Urban Dictionary, a Karen is a "middle-aged woman, typically blonde, who makes solutions to others' problems an inconvenience to her although she isn't remotely affected."


Now you listen up, here. I was only a pre-teen when I realized my mother was right about me being the prettiest, smartest little lady in the whole school. It wasn't until after I graduated from high-school that I discovered my mom had been a smidgen wrong about that. The truth is I'm now the prettiest, smartest 40 year-old blonde lady in the whole prison. I'm privileged. I'm entitled. I'm Karen. Pleased to meet you.

Sadly, the world outside our new fortified home is filled with a bunch of damn kooks. Always taking and taking. Never asking. Never showing any respect.

Like at the Dairy Queen a few weeks before I got sent up the river. I was out on pre-sentencing bail and I was hungry. Even though I was pushing 250 and still voluptuous, I knew prison food would not be up to my standards. And after what I had been through at the depositions and the trial, I deserved a luxurious second meal.

Oh, but no! First of all, a group of loud teenagers in their baggy pants and long braids, went barging in before I was halfway across the parking lot. Do you think one of them could have the decency to wait and hold the door open for me? Think again (and know that, as an elegant lady, I walk slowly).

To make matters worse, once I got inside I saw that they all were getting a free DQ lunch because of some stupid academic rewards program at their school. I was incensed. When I was in school, I worked hard for my grades, constantly harassing my mother or big brother to finish my homework and school projects. It was exhausting. And watching those ungrateful kids laugh and congratulate each other on their accomplishments was just too much. I sprung into action.

I pushed my way to the front of the fast-food counter and gave them a piece of my mind.

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," I screamed. That shut them and the whole place up. I was delighted. I was going to teach them a lesson they were never going to forget. I started snatching their free meal coupons out of their grubby little hands and continued yelling.

"You think you can just waltz in here and start spending stolen taxpayers' dollars? I don't think so! Not in front of me, you don't!"

"We didn't steal anything, ma'am!" some sassy young tart had the nerve to deny it.

"Don't you 'ma'am' me, missy. And don't speak unless you're asked. Mind your elders!"

"I'm the manager here, ma'am. How can I help you?" a sleepy-faced loser with nose rings asked.

"You can start by telling those hoodlums to get out of this establishment. They're stealing taxpayers' money!"

"Ma'am, these are the top honors students in the graduating class at the high-school."

"Exactly my point! That high-school is a PUBLIC school paid for by MY property taxes."

A middle-aged poseur, who I imagined was probably dressed conservatively to hide her nights out working the streets, said to my profound surprise, "Excuse, ma'am. I'm the principal at the high-school and I paid for the scholars' lunches out of my own pocket."

Apparently, some teachers and school staff had joined the students at the Dairy Queen and started to crowd around me. They stepped closer after I screamed at the principal donning a lovely weave and pretty nails, "You ugly bitch! That's the whole problem with society. You get paid taxpayer dollars, and then you just spend it any way you want without consulting the right people."

"Who are the right people, ma'am?" she asked quietly, menacingly.

The phones were already out and recording, but I just couldn't help it and yelled, "Well, they don't look like you!"

The crowd stepped even closer. I was about to cry out for help when I remembered that it was the damn phone cameras that got me arrested, arraigned, and tried the last time I spoke my mind. So, I fled.

"Oh, that's right! Hey y'all, check this out. I thought that angry lady looked familiar. Here's her mugshot after she was arrested for calling the cops on two 5-year-olds. She caught them 'trespassing' when they chased a ball onto her lawn and held them at gun-point, screaming her fool head off in front of her house for an hour. The whole neighborhood recorded it."

"That's just crazy! What's her name."

"I think the name's Karen."

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