M17 - All Alone Am I(Denise Arnault) Brenda was listening to her namesake, Brenda Lee, crooning on the radio. ‘All alone am I, ever since your goodbye …’, as she sat in the dark pondering how her life had come to this point.

She had been feeling depressed for several days, ever since Christmas had gone silently into the past. She was thinking about her family who were now all living in other parts of the country for the past several years and never visited. She had no good friends at work. She really knew no one that she could visit with or spend time with.

Christmas was her loneliest time of the year. All the movies and all the songs on radios and store speakers showed how wonderful it was to be around family and friends at Christmas time. Could she be the only one that had neither? Even her dog had died this year. There was not a single living thing that cared if she was still here.

Her thoughts turned to the worse than worthless man she had divorced last year. At least, for all his many, many faults, he had been breathing.

Messenger Monica, an ethereal and unseen being, who was watching over Brenda sighed. She needed to find a way to break the human out of the funk that she was in.

As sudden inspiration came to her, she whispered into Brenda’s ear, ‘No partner is better than a bad partner.’

That thought penetrated Brenda’s sour mood. She let her mind dwell on it for a moment, then said out loud to the empty room, “At least the bastard would sometimes answer me!”

Monica seized the moment to add, ‘Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely. Take time to get to know yourself. This will make you a more enjoyable person to be around.'

“I don’t know where these thoughts are coming from,” Brenda snorted out loud once more. “Warm is better than cold.”

‘Quiet is better than unkind.’

This mental battle of wits made Brenda somewhat energized. At least her mind was off the self-pitying thoughts that had so debilitated her. She decided that she would get her coat and book and go out for a bite to eat.

* * *

There were several restaurants in the Dallas -Fort Worth metroplex that she considered her ‘go-to’ places to eat, some for their menu and some for their atmosphere. Lucille’s on Camp Bowie in Fort Worth was on her list for both reasons. It was frequented by families, couples and also those who ate alone, so she fit right in.

She liked to eat in their ornate bar area, reading her book and watching the other patrons. Arriving just after 1:00 PM, she picked a seat from the group of little two person tables across from the bar where she liked to sit. She could see others while having a seat away from the bulk of the crowd.

Today seemed special because of her good mood, so she treated herself. She ordered both their fantastic lobster bites appetizer, and the planked salmon, even adding the signature A-La-Lucilles cajun lobster sauce, which she had never tried before. It was a lot of food for only one person, but she could take her time enjoying it.

The battered and fried lobster bites came first, accompanied by both it’s usual spicy and sweet sauces. She preferred the spicy. The sweet was a little to thick and clingy sweet for her tastes.

Enjoying her latest book, On Every Tide by Sean Connolly, she ate the lobster slowly. The waitress knew her habits, since she was a regular, and did not rush to bring the salmon out. The book was a very interesting perspective of the immigration of Irish people seeking a better life, as they spread around the globe from their little island.

There were also several families and couples at other tables to glance at between paragraphs. She liked to make up stories about what they might be talking about, based on their expressions and hand movements. Everyone seemed so happy with the food and the company of others.

When it came, the planked salmon had its usual lightly smoky flavor but turned out to be too much as she had feared. The sauce turned out to have a great cajun blackened spice flavor and what seemed like an entire lobster tail chopped up in it. Even though the flavored rice with vegetables that accompanied it was very good, she sacrificed it in favor of the salmon and the sauce.

When she finally pushed her plate away, signaling the waitress that she could eat no more and was ready for the bill, she paid, leaving a hefty tip for the excellent service, as well as for tying up the table for so long.

Although she had enjoyed her lunch immensely, she started to feel sad again on the way home. It had been great to get out but she still had not said a single word to anyone except the waitress.

Loneliness started to weigh her down again by the time she opened her door and entered the familiar, empty apartment. Everyone at Lucille’s had seemed so happy so why could she not have some of that in her life? Her funk had returned full force!

* * *

Brenda plopped down into her cozy chair and tried to read more of her book, but she could not focus on it.

Messenger Monica leaned in and whispered, ‘Don’t spend your thoughts on loneliness and thinking about what you do not have in your life. Focus on what you do have and find things that you want to spend time on. ‘

Brenda did not say anything but her dark thoughts were obvious on her face.

Monica decided that it was time to increase the pressure. She slowly became visible in a warm golden glow.

“Where did you come from?" Brenda asked a bit shakily.

“I am Messenger Monica,” the glowing being said. “I have come to give you hope and to talk about your life.”

Brenda was speechless.

Monica continued, “You are a kind and loving and lovable person. You live alone, but you choose to spend your time alone.”

“Poppycock!” Brenda exclaimed. “I don’t choose to be alone. I would love to have someone in my life!”

“And yet, here you are, where they are not,” Monica replied evenly.

The simple truth of that statement brought Brenda up short for a moment.

“There is no one!” Brenda eventually said.

The Messenger answered, “There is, but you have not yet found them. It is true that they are not here, so you must find a way to go to where they are.”

Such logic was obvious and unassailable but seemed impossible at the same time.

The Messenger continued, “You must focus your thoughts on what you want, not what you do not have. Let go of things that you cannot change.”

“Thinking sad or negative thoughts is self-defeating. Everyone does it. It is all a matter of degree. Try to recognize when you are doing it and decide to stop it.”

“It takes practice just like anything else, but the rewards are great.”

“Give yourself a signal, like a slap on the thigh. Some people have been known to wear a rubber band on their wrist to snap. When you find yourself thinking negatively, signal yourself to stop that and start thinking positively. It becomes easier the more that you do it.”

"Get out and enjoy the natural wonders. The world is beautiful as is your soul!”

Having delivered this extensive monologue, Monica ceased speaking and waited for Brenda to take in all that she had said, a beautiful smile on her serene face.

Finally, Brenda admitted, “I suppose that I have spent too much time home brooding.” She was still feeling the surprise of having this glowing being appear in her living room, but she could not fault her logic.

* * *


Brenda made an effort to get out more. She started joining groups related to her interests.

She liked working in her little garden. She found out that one of her favorite local plant merchants, Northhaven Gardens in Dallas, gave periodic weekend classes about the best way to grow their plants. Not only did she learn the difference between annuals and perennials, but she found out the best time to plant the best type of tomatoes for her area. Fresh tomatoes had so much more flavor than those bought in the store, there being no need to pick them before they were ripe to ship them to her kitchen.

After one of the classes, she noticed that the Fort Worth Orchid Society having their monthly meeting and stayed to learn more. Not only did she learn new aspects of those plants that she had never known, but she also developed friendships with several people. It turned out that she had been killing the orchids that she bought at the grocery store because she did not understand their water and light needs.

She had always enjoyed taking pictures and found a photography group. She started taking nice pictures with her cell phone camera, then borrowed a Canon SLR camera with several lenses from a friend so that she could explore the way different F-stops and shutter speeds affected her photography. More friendships, learning and interesting trips to unusual locations filled her time.

Brenda became a more regular attendee at her church where she met lots of friendly people.

She even joined a singles group, not with the hope of finding Mr Right, although that had been heard of happening, but more often not. She looked at the singles group more as a Stammtisch, which is a fun German tradition involving the locals meeting at a set time every week at a local hangout, come whoever wants, no invitation required, no expectations of romance.

* * *

Brenda was really enjoying the New Year’s Eve party that her Stammtisch group was hosting. She looked around at the smiling faces, the couples embracing and sharing a kiss as everyone counted down to midnight. The scene did not make her sad as it used to.

She was happy for them and for herself too. True, she still did not have someone in her life, but she was enjoying being around so much goodwill and happiness. She just knew that the coming year would be better than the last.

Unbeknown to her, a man across the room admired her smiling face and asked his friend if they knew who she was…

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