Someone To Imagine With Me(Kanesha Andrews) Once upon a time……

I had written a list of things about myself. I named off everything.

Merits and flaws, likes and dislikes and even included things about my family. Then I wrote a list about what I was looking for in a partner – listing qualities that I wanted him to have. It was almost like I was giving God instructions for how I wanted my future spouse to be.

I wasn’t asking for perfection – just someone who was decent. Someone who might understand me. I would often revisit those lists, reading them aloud as if trying to speak him into existence.

When I wasn’t reading over those lists. I was imagining what he would look like. I pictured the places we’d go, the friends we’d make, the life we’d share. When I used to hand out the Sunday Bulletin at the church that I once attended. I’d imagine him pulling into the parking lot, walking up to the door, and greeting me with a smile and a hug.

I also imagined when I sat in the pew of the church and watching people as they came in. That he would walk through the sanctuary doors, spotting me and smiling as he made his way over to sit next to me.

This man who I imagined. He was created out of longing – a desire for companionship. For someone to talk to and feel safe with. Someone to share my faith, values, and creativity. Someone who would offer the same in return. I wanted us to inspire and comfort each other, to be fully ourselves together.

I never dreamed of him while I slept. Only in waking moments did I see him.

Fast forward to now – No longer do I have those images. I still write stories and my essays, but but I rarely imagine him anymore.

Would I like to imagine him again? Maybe. But part of me knows why I don’t.

I am still carrying the scars of my broken marriage.

I’m still trying to figure out who I am and where I am going. Still trying to rediscover who I am and where I’m going.

And perhaps, I just don’t want someone that I can imagine.

I want someone who will imagine with me.

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