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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Teens
- Theme: Science Fiction
- Subject: Comedy / Humor
- Published: 03/01/2026
Sneezeology 101
Born 1951, M, from Elliot Lake, Ontario., Canada.jpeg)
The TattleTale Scroll: Cosmic Edition
A Fireside Newsletter for the Interdimensionally Curious Filed by Squire Silverpen, Esq., Omni‑Infinite Correspondent of the Sharletyn Gazette and Keeper of the Ridiculously Large Quill
Dear Cosmic Interloping Thrill Seekers,
Permit me to adjust my spectacles, which have been fogged by the recent revelation that our entire universe, yes, the whole shimmering sprawl of stars, quasars, nebulae, and that one inexplicable sock behind your dryer, is nothing more than the airborne aftermath of a sneeze.
Not a poetic sneeze. Not a metaphorical sneeze. A sneeze‑sneeze.
A full‑bodied, nostril‑quaking, reality‑shattering AH‑CHOO emitted by a Being so colossally immense that our entire cosmic expanse is but a glistening droplet clinging to the edge of Its interdimensional handkerchief.
Naturally, the Sharletyn family has already claimed ownership.
The Sharletyn Declaration of Sneeze‑Sovereignty
Lady Petronella Sharletyn, resplendent in a gown made entirely of recycled comet tails, announced at a press conference:
“If the universe is a sneeze, then by ancestral right and impeccable fashion sense, we claim dominion over all nasal‑adjacent cosmologies.”
Her brother, Lord Bartholomew Sharletyn, added:
“We shall not be known as mere citizens of a universe. We are droplets of destiny.”
The crowd applauded politely, though several attendees were later seen discreetly checking themselves for cosmic mucus.
Scientific Reactions (Such As They Are)
The Royal Institute of Speculativations convened an emergency panel to discuss the implications of sneeze‑based cosmogenesis. Their findings include:
Dark Matter — “Probably dried sneeze residue.”
Quantum Entanglement: “Two particles stuck together because the sneeze was particularly sticky.”
Black Holes:“Clumps. Just… clumps.”
Multiverses: “Other droplets that flew off in different directions. Some may have landed on the Being’s shirt.”
One researcher fainted upon realizing that the cosmic microwave background radiation is simply the lingering “bless you” echoing across spacetime.
Religious Upheaval in the Droplet
Several new sects have emerged overnight:
The Order of the Sacred Tissue, who await the Great Wipe.
The Cult of the Perpetual Sniffle, who believe the Being is not done sneezing.
The Dripwatchers, who fear gravitational collapse is merely the droplet sliding toward the cosmic floor.
A schism has already formed between those who believe we are from the left nostril and those who insist we are right‑nostril folk.
Economic Implications
The Sharletyn Bank has introduced a new currency: The Mucocredit.
Its value fluctuates wildly depending on humidity.
A Final Word from Squire Silverpen
As your humble fireside correspondent, I assure you that whether we are droplets, dribbles, or dignified globules, our absurdical journey continues unabated. The universe may be a sneeze, but we, dear readers, are the sparkle in that sneeze, the glimmering motes of improbable existence swirling in the cosmic draft.
And what a glorious draft it is.
Until our next Absurdical Venturism:
Kosmosa Starburst
A Fireside Newsletter for the Interdimensionally Curious Filed by Squire Silverpen, Esq., Omni‑Infinite Correspondent of the Sharletyn Gazette and Keeper of the Ridiculously Large Quill
Dear Cosmic Interloping Thrill Seekers,
Permit me to adjust my spectacles, which have been fogged by the recent revelation that our entire universe, yes, the whole shimmering sprawl of stars, quasars, nebulae, and that one inexplicable sock behind your dryer, is nothing more than the airborne aftermath of a sneeze.
Not a poetic sneeze. Not a metaphorical sneeze. A sneeze‑sneeze.
A full‑bodied, nostril‑quaking, reality‑shattering AH‑CHOO emitted by a Being so colossally immense that our entire cosmic expanse is but a glistening droplet clinging to the edge of Its interdimensional handkerchief.
Naturally, the Sharletyn family has already claimed ownership.
The Sharletyn Declaration of Sneeze‑Sovereignty
Lady Petronella Sharletyn, resplendent in a gown made entirely of recycled comet tails, announced at a press conference:
“If the universe is a sneeze, then by ancestral right and impeccable fashion sense, we claim dominion over all nasal‑adjacent cosmologies.”
Her brother, Lord Bartholomew Sharletyn, added:
“We shall not be known as mere citizens of a universe. We are droplets of destiny.”
The crowd applauded politely, though several attendees were later seen discreetly checking themselves for cosmic mucus.
Scientific Reactions (Such As They Are)
The Royal Institute of Speculativations convened an emergency panel to discuss the implications of sneeze‑based cosmogenesis. Their findings include:
Dark Matter — “Probably dried sneeze residue.”
Quantum Entanglement: “Two particles stuck together because the sneeze was particularly sticky.”
Black Holes:“Clumps. Just… clumps.”
Multiverses: “Other droplets that flew off in different directions. Some may have landed on the Being’s shirt.”
One researcher fainted upon realizing that the cosmic microwave background radiation is simply the lingering “bless you” echoing across spacetime.
Religious Upheaval in the Droplet
Several new sects have emerged overnight:
The Order of the Sacred Tissue, who await the Great Wipe.
The Cult of the Perpetual Sniffle, who believe the Being is not done sneezing.
The Dripwatchers, who fear gravitational collapse is merely the droplet sliding toward the cosmic floor.
A schism has already formed between those who believe we are from the left nostril and those who insist we are right‑nostril folk.
Economic Implications
The Sharletyn Bank has introduced a new currency: The Mucocredit.
Its value fluctuates wildly depending on humidity.
A Final Word from Squire Silverpen
As your humble fireside correspondent, I assure you that whether we are droplets, dribbles, or dignified globules, our absurdical journey continues unabated. The universe may be a sneeze, but we, dear readers, are the sparkle in that sneeze, the glimmering motes of improbable existence swirling in the cosmic draft.
And what a glorious draft it is.
Until our next Absurdical Venturism:
Kosmosa Starburst
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