A Blue Jay Can Forget

I can't breathe. The mist of heat surrounds me. My hand is up to grab anything, but nothing graces the tips of my fingers. My eyes are unable to close as I watch my soul leave my lips. The silky coolness exists in a straight line, a bright white losing itself in the kaleidoscope of swirling color.

My expansive body cools. I attempt to fly once again through the sky of the black and white of the cosmos. I realize that I can't get that cold air I crave. Through my dulling senses, I grab hold of my soul. It freezes to the touch. Frost covers my pale blue talons and goes up to my feathered wrist.

I am blinded now. My irises are rendered useless. There is nothing to hear. Only a sour taste coats my split tongue. I pull my soul back down and consume it. My teeth shatter. The sour taste bursts with a freshness that reminds me of rainwater.

This world is still unfamiliar to me. The strange plants and sky that extend on all sides above me. The lack of other strange beings with long hair and bird-like noses didn't concern me. I was exploring this empty world with my wings before the haze of surface clouds took me inside it. I reassure myself that I can still feel the ground. I was smart enough to stay closer to it.

I feel the coolness flickering into something warmer when my soul goes past my throat. It settles somewhere in between my ribs. It turns, and the sharpness in my heart has me crying out. Gallons of hot tears pour into puddles that pool into my sharp, extended collarbones. I sink further into the sand that I remember being silver like my palms. The sand hardens as I continue to cry.

Something between the nothingness and sobs is a voice that says I am too young and too kind. That I am a beautiful blue jay of a girl. It is a lovely, higher-pitched voice. I feel the presence of the owner of these words behind me. I am not even sure if I heard those words or if they just floated into my understanding. It is calming until the ground around me gives way.

The nothing before me turns back into greens, blues, and browns. Something is grabbing my ankle. My voice is hoarse when I scream again, like I never used it. Hands are around me, shaking me. I make out a familiar sky and lots of heads that belong to lots of people. My lips are trembling, and I have no wings. I have no feathers or blue skin. My hands are a simple brown color with short fingernails. I am wearing a pink shirt with a pattern of drawn ribbons. My pants are clinging to me.

I am on sand. The taste is the same. Fresh and sour.

The soft current of the lake is moving my body before I gain control of my movements myself. One of the heads becomes clearer. There is a face there. I think it's my mother. The wild noises that come out of her lips aren't human. I can only look at her as she brings me into her chest. "Thank you! Thank you for bringing her back."

My eyes trail towards the lake. I think I remember swimming in the lake with my brother. We were playing with the life jackets to make them like boats. We sat on top of them. I remember we sat on top of them. Is that my brother? The little boy who can't look at me. His face is buried against the chest of a man who looks like him. His shoulders shake as his chest heaves up and down in labor.

I don't want him to cry. I reach for him, but it takes more effort than I thought. I wish I had those wings. I could just fly over to him like a blue jay. My face scrunches up. "A blue jay."

My mother leans in. "What, Linette?"

I take in her scent of caramel and bring my hands to my chest. "I don't remember. I had... I don't remember."

My brother finally takes a peek back at me. He rushes to my side before I have to open my mouth to plead for him. He hugs me, crying out apologies. I wrap my arms around my older brother's neck. My mother supports my weight, and my father comes to support hers. I can only cry into my brother's shoulders. Whatever I had been trying to remember is replaced by the love of the people around me. All I am is happy to be here.