Karma 1

This relationship started long before you came through the doors of my dads Company Perez Inc, I still remember the very first day I saw you, I did not want to look away, but I couldn't just stand there lost in oblivion. I never stopped thinking about you, and then there you were at the Interview Room of my Dads Company and i found myself running to greet you, i felt this excitement within me, i had to stop myself because this was my family Company and my dad was also present that day. I turned and walked straight to my office shut the door and i felt this surge of happiness flood through my body, i needed him to get accepted at the company, this guy was the reason for my sleepless nights, i felt he was sent back to me for a reason. I felt that this was god answering my prayers... so i walked into the interview room, apart of our work culture is to greet new applicants and do a walk through of the company, that was not my job description but because i had an alterior motive i chose to walk through that door. I was not going to allow him to disappear again. I pretended like i did not remember him, i saw the expression on his face when he saw me, i just maintained a professional look. The lady doing the interview was shocked, she jumped up almost, the smile she wore on her face disappeared when i entered the room, in a stuttered tone she managed to introduce me as Monique Perez as on of the Directors of the company, the look on his face priceless, for the first time i took advantage of my last name.
"What position are you applying for" Head of IT... He responded, his voice deep and intoxicating...
Stop Monique...that was my inner me trying to maintain a professional persona... I also hid the smile that i was about to unleash on my face... I turned around to the huge glass window that looked over the ocean and asked "why did you leave your last company" in a professional voice...
"They did not value me as an employee and i felt that nepotism was how it worked at the company" i know im an asset to any place of business, i worked there for 7 years and i was never promoted yet i put in al the work, loyalty etc" this was a very brave answer... Impressive...
"What can you offer us here at Perez Inc"
Im not sure what was his answer but i didn't care, i wanted him to get this job, i had that power to make it happen... But i will do it in a very suttle way. I stepped out whilst the lady conducting the interview went through the remuneration...
The process was to choose 10 eligible candidates, they will go through a series of assessments and the most successful will given the position.
I will make that selection at that time...
The interview was over, i was greeting some clients when he approached me...he waited for me to finish up what i was doing...
Miss Perez, my heart almost done a double cart wheel... Here that voice again... I braced myself and turned around... "Yes" i responded in my professional voice...
I looked at him with a unbothered look at my face..." Do you seriously not remember me" his tone got more deeper" multi coloured jelly tots exploding in my head, " he remembered me.... Omg.... He remembered me... Still in character i responded " how do i know you?" " New Way Of Life" i kept quiet for few good seconds, pretending to playback the memories... I stepped closer to him and responded by saying "you the drummer"
I had met you in Church. I never you existed up until you made me feel uncomfortable, you looked at me, you played the drums at the church and i was visiting with a mutual Pastor. Every time i looked up there you were. I was very uncomfortable, so i decided to look back at you so i could tell you to get lost you vile man... So after some thought i looked up at him and that was the beginning of my end. When i looked up, i saw this beautiful man, light skinned, even though he was sitting, he was tall about 1.67, his brown eyes sparkled from the stage and his eyes were so intoxicating. I had never felt this uneasiness before. I looked away but for some reason i looked back and then it was like i was in a some kind of trance we would break that trance with small smiles but enough to send to make my tummy flip, so i went back to that church again, same story, the stares the smiles , its fueled me up that lasted 6 days at a time, this went on for months, we never physically meet however he consumes my thoughts and invaded my dreams. I never asked about and he obviously never enquired about me, so i just left it like that, until one Sunday my dad decided that we all need to attend one church, my dad was a person i would not go against and that guy knew i was well acquainted with Pastor May , so if he wanted to he could inquire about me however he did not... eventually i just let it be... now again remembering those memories, our paths never crossed, i always wondered if he thought about me or if he looked for me. Now here he stands right Infront of me...
We both smiled at eachother... " Let me walk you out" this was the voice of the interviewer, you need to be here tomorrow at 9am, the training starts then... I was super excited... I couldn't wait to sleep and wake up to see him tomorrow. I am responsible for the training department, so i would be seeing alot of him...
Well congratulations are in order, i stretched my hands out to shake his hand... " Warm hands, larger than mine, his hand Sandwiched my small hands... The smell of his cologne as he stepped closer to receive that handshake, sent fireworks through my DNA...
I wore a smile on my face the entire day, i had this unwavering excitement within me, i was also impatient to see him...
The 4 weeks went well, we spent lots of time together, we went on work lunches, we did alot of work stuff... He was obviously chosen for the job, he signed a 5 year contract with the company but i knew we were going to be together for life... I had already established that i wanted to marry him, up until the day he signed the contract...
Those 4 weeks we spent the entire day together and the entire night on a video call, it was that intense, do bare in mind that we had not crossed any boundaries, although all boundaries was crossed in our thoughts and mind...
The day he signed the contract, I was absolutely excited... We were going to celebrate that night and that was the day he told me a most heart wrenching dark truth about him... I was Goth smacked, i was in absolute shock, my chest tightened up, and i felt this uneasiness in my chest... I stepped back a little to catch my breath... Those 3 words that he said... I couldn't believe it... I was trying to understand how i missed such a huge puzzle, how the hell can l not see this, it never even crossed my mind... " Monique let me explain, like an absolute joke, i still listened to him... I believed him and now im at this crossroad. I need to think about this, i turned walked away and when i went to my room, that was it, I had to scream into my pillow and i don't think i ever cried that much before... The next day at work i asked to end things... Although he said yes, he continued to pursue me every day, i didn't know if i was annoyed or just wanted him that so i let it continue... Mikael invaded my very existence, i couldn't stop thinking about him
Omg i was in a situation this guy was married, this goes against my principles, but everything else inside of me, wanted to know you, all of you... eventually I couldn't deny my attraction. I fell for you, every part of me knew you. When you used to look at me, it used to awaken my inner being. Your touch ignited every hormone in my DNA. Your kiss made me loose my thoughts and the rest is history...I can say so much more but to what avail. I wanted you,, to want me, the way I want you. That's not possible, I am a secret...and as long as we continue that is all I will be. My love for you will blossom but we won't be able to be together like the way it supposed to be. Waiting for you is painful and i dont know how many times i visited this crossroad. This cycle will ruin my mental status, yet i wait for you.I will always be the second option... I spent an entire year waiting for him to leave her because that is what he said, in that year i was living in absolute denial, we spoke about our life together, the home we will buy, the decorations the kids, Christmas was coming up and i planned that whole Christmas holiday, we had the company party and i was going to surprise with the tickets to Dubai that night, i did not know he had a bigger surprise for me. We were saying goodbye to everyone, and one of his colleagues said, enjoy your holiday at Cape Town with your family, i was a little confused but i let it be, so we were on the rooftop and thats when he said " Monique i had an entire holiday planned for us however my parents had already planned this holiday and its my sister's engagement, so i need to be there...
I never felt that pain before, the entire Christmas Holidays, i was in absolute confusion, how can he not know that... he called every day we had long conversations, on the 31st of December at about 11:30pm we were on a video call, talking about what we doing when gets back, someone comes into the room, he turned the phone over and i clearly heard him say, " I'm talking to my friend from work, he is missing me very much" i don't know and i can't explain what was happening with me... i disconnected the call... I had different types of emotions, i was in pain but i didn't know how to manage this emotion... i drank myself to sleep, woke up the evening of the first day of the new year with a headache from hell and a gutted feeling. I felt like my insides shredding, like someone was cutting me up with no sedatives... My family didn't know what was going on, they were all just enjoying the holidays and i didn't want to burden them with my sinful pain and thats when it hit me, sinful pain, i went to the mirror and looked at myself, i looked dreadful because i was in love with a married man and he did not choose me and he will not choose me because of his family however he still managed to shackle my thoughts and i was entrapped by his looks and i didn't know he was married, he only told me this after i had already fell for him, then he told me he loves me and he is going to leave her... and i waited and i waited and i waited. And here i am still waiting...
I deserved more than him, i knew i can have anyone i want, but i cant continue to sell my dignity, i was so desperate to be loved by him that i chose to listen to his lies and become apart of the sin...i choose me now... I spent the entire Christmas Holidays crying and feeling so drained, i spent more than 2 years waiting and i was a fool and he makes me a fool every time i yes to him....
I was to blame so i accept my part in this sin, i will go to work and play my part like i was supposed to from the beginning... My dad came into my room, i was sitting on the floor... He sat beside me, put his arm around my shoulder smiled amd and said i thought you were in Dubai.
Omg i forgot about my holiday i planned, i saw you purchased 2 tickets, i completely forgot about it... You know you have 21 days to claim that ticket, because we VIP... I looked at him...why dont you take another week off from work and go, i thought about it for a second, i woke up packed a bag, dad left me at the airport and i went to find myself again.
It was beautiful in Dubai, i called in sick for another week...
I learned that even though we waiting for the right person to come along no matter how desperate we maybe always be aware of the person you choose, dont go into that relationship blindly because you feel a certain way, your emotions may place you in great danger, he/she may not be who you think...
Most importantly if you are not mentally stable you may not survive that pain, as we know and hear in the news, "wife kills husband and girlfriend" dont be a statistic... You are worth it so ensure you love yourself enough to make the right decision for you....