Overthinking

It seemed as if my mind never rested. It was not about big decisions or huge matters. It was the little things, trivia in fact. Did I lock all the doors? Did I switch off the lights, or did my neighbour think otherwise when I praised her long hair? These thoughts tangled me up, and I could not break out of them. The words I had spoken replayed in my head.

 I sent a message to my friend yesterday: “ When do you get off from work tomorrow?”

Minutes passed, and there was no reply from her.

My thoughts went up the spiralling path.

Maybe she is busy at work, and I had bothered her.

Maybe I am boring.

Maybe she does not want to meet me.

Why is she not responding? Did I hurt her in any way?

I stared at my phone, my heart pounding away, and my mind overthinking and building stories. In my mind, our friendship had ended; she found better people to spend time with, and I was all alone.

A little later, my phone buzzed.

“ Sorry, I was a bit busy and did not see your message. I will leave the office at 5 in the evening tomorrow.”

That was all. Simple and normal.

I exhaled and laughed at myself. All that anxiety for nothing.

There was a sense of relief, and with it, there was a sense of realization. The noise within my head was overwhelming me.

As I lay on my bed that night, I thought. I was never this anxious or nervous before. Why did I change? What made me change? The night bulb did not question its glow. The indoor plant did not question as its leaf moved due to the fan.

I made up my mind to try to control these thoughts.

Within seconds, my mind was all anxious about the office meeting scheduled for tomorrow. “ What if the client does not like my presentation?” I did not chase it. I let it pass. The silence that followed was not familiar, and I found myself fidgeting. But I felt light. I realised that peace was not about having no thoughts. It was about not believing in each one of them.