I Will Survive

I Will Survive

Amy opens her diary, the one she has to hide from him, to finally face the situation she is in. She has her ear buds in and is listening to Gloria Gaynor belting out ‘I will Survive’ and she writes:

Dear Diary, I must survive this. It can’t go on. I’ve tried everything I can to make things work but as the song says:

 ‘At first I was petrified, thinking  I could live without you by my side.’

But Diary I know I must be strong and get away. I know I can live without him because now I finally realise I want to be anywhere but here.

As I write and think, his words ring in my ears:

‘Do you know why you have no friends? Because you are unlikeable.’

At breakfast this morning he put his coffee cup down and looked over at me. He said ‘Do you know what…you used to be pretty’ and then caried on eating.

******

Thus spoke Amy’s partner of some nine years.

As he said this, poking his face aggressively towards her, Amy thought ‘I don’t know who you are anymore.’ And then she thought ‘but I don’t think I’ve ever known the real you, the one who belittles me, hits me hard, keeps money from me, won’t let me meet friends’.

The song plays on:

‘I know I’ill stay alive, I’ve got my life to live

 I will survive.’

*******

In her diary, Amy starts to make a list:

Open a separate bank account.

Go to a Letting Agent, a room will do to start off with.

Contact Mum. She’ll be so relieved.

Change mobile number.

Alert police. I know he’ll come looking for me.

Amy continues to write:

‘I know it will be horrendous but as the song says ‘Did you think I would crumble? Oh no, I will survive’.

Putting her pen down, Amy closes her diary and hides it in a baking tray in the oven. He never, ever cooks, so she’s pretty sure he won’t find it. Going upstairs she starts the shower, undresses and steps in. As the water runs over her, she feels as if she is washing away all the years of struggle and unhappiness.

As she dries herself, she looks in the mirror. Only 36 years old but looking older. Her hair needs doing but he won’t give her the money for the hairdressers. She pulls on a pair of leggings that should be black but are so worn they look grey but smiles to herself as she puts on her ACDC tee shirt. He hates that one because it reminds him she once had a life where she was carefree and happy.

Amy combs through her wet hair, straightens her shoulders, picks up her handbag and goes downstairs. She’s frightened. Where is he?

She notices he’s washing the car. She retrieves her diary from the oven, puts it in her packed holdall, only the necessities in there, and walks out of the front door.

He turns., sees the hold all, looks her up and down, and sneers ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’

He moves menacingly over to her, and just as he starts to raise a hand, a car pulls up at the end of the drive. It’s the police. It’s responding to the call she made an hour earlier. Amy doesn’t speak but walks past him. He stands powerless.

And do you know what? She does survive. The battle was intense. Her first few nights were with her mum where he came knocking and banging, shouting and swearing as they both hid indoors while they waited for the police to come.

He was charged with Coercive Control and further harassment once she had left. The court case was harrowing but she survived.

A Restraining Order was put in place and Amy felt like she could breathe again and move on with her life. ‘I’ve survived’ she told her Mum and tells her mum about the song, how it inspired her to face the reality of how she was living.

Barely a year later she has a job supporting victims of Coercive Control into court where they seek justice for the torment they have suffered.

As the song said:

‘Think I’d crumble?

Think I’d lay down and die,

No, not I,

I will survive.’