The Greatest Funeral

"Hhhaaahhh ... hhhuuuhhh ... hhheeehhh!" The old man cried, while laying on a carpet, clenching his teeth.

"Come on dad!" The young man sitting next to him begged,  "Try harder. Just one more time. Give everything you got this time!"

"Okay, okay," he answered, sounding desperate, and began pushing himself to the limits of his strength. "Aaahhh ... uuuhhh ... eeehhh!"

He stopped after a minute, short on breath, tired and more desperate. "It's no use. I can't die like this."

"But think of the embarrassment that awaits us," his son cried, "The guests are on the way. What would they say if they see you like this?"

"It's not my fault. I was not in control of anything. Suddenly everything went black and I fell down. The next thing I saw was you standing above me, screaming that a herd of guests is on the way. I'm not the one who called them."

"But what was I supposed to do? You weren't moving. I thought you were dead. How many times did you told me that having the best and most crowded funeral was your greatest wish? I just tried to follow your will."

"And you ruined it! Now everyone will think we made fun of them, and won't come to my funeral when I actually die."

His son felt ashamed, and sought a solution. "I only wanted to help. I'm not a doctor. I really thought you were dead. Anyhow ... Let's focus on what can be done now. I think if you try harder, you can manage to die before they arrive. Try it one more time."

"I'm out of strength. I can't keep pushing myself."

"Okay ... maybe if you jump from the rooftop, hang yourself, or hit yourself on the head with something ..."

"Imbecile! Think about what they say at my funeral if they find out that I killed myself for no reason!"

"I don't know ... I'm out of options." his son admitted in embarrassment.

"Ahhh! Who did you invite anyhow?"

"Everyone. The whole village is coming. Aside from them, the khans of upper and lower villages are coming. Plus the mullahs of nearby towns. Several famous mystics and poets are on the way too."

"And I will be embarrassed in front of all of them!" The old man screamed, as he laid back, staring at the ceiling. "I had one wish. Only one! I wished to have a great funeral, to have other people gather and say good things about me."

"We have a bigger problem," His son said with a worried expression, "You know, inviting so many guests and organizing such a funeral is very costly, so I had to sell all our cattle and land to pay for it. A man with deep pockets bought everything. We should go to him, explain our mistake, and give his money back. Otherwise we lose everything."

The old man got angry, and screamed, "How is that a bigger problem?! Are material possessions all you care about?"

"No, no! I'm just saying there is nothing we can do about the ... You know ... But, if we go to that man right now, at least we can keep our things, since everything I sold was yours, and I had no right to sell them before your death."

"But if we go, everyone will see that I'm still alive."

"Well, they will find out eventually, so ..."

Suddenly the old man's face expression changed to thoughtful. He seemed lost in thoughts for a few seconds, until he continued, "What if they don't?"

"I don't see how that is possible. What's the point anyhow?"

"I can pretend that I'm dead. You couldn't figure out that I was alive until I opened my eyes, could you? I don't think they can either. That way I can have the funeral, and I can be there to hear all the things they say about me."

The old man's eyes went wide, as if he had arrived at the most important conclusion of his life, as he continued, "Why didn't I thought of this sooner?! What is the point of having a great funeral after death, when I'm not there to see it? Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm very lucky that this whole thing happened, otherwise I would have missed my funeral."

His son looked worried, and said, "But what happens after that? Eventually, they are going to see you walking around, and will find out that you are alive, or worse, they may think that you have turned into a zombie and crawled out of your grave."

"I'll just hide in the basement for the rest of my life. I don't think I have much time left anyhow, so it's worth it. At the funeral, after all the speeches and prayers , tell the guests that you need a minute alone to say goodbye to your father. When they leave us alone, we'll replace me with a scarecrow, and wrap it in graveclothes, and I'll hide some place. After that take the wrapped scarecrow to the cemetery and bury it."

"Okay ... But there is one more thing. I hate to bring it up, but you know ... we should consider everything. What happens when you actually die? If people see you are being buried for the second time, they might suspect that something is wrong."

"Stupid boy! Do I have to explain every little detail? Just hide my body in a bag and take it to the desert at night. Throw me into a ditch or something. I don't care. Just make sure nobody finds my body. Now, stop babbling, go to the field and bring the scarecrow, and prepare the funeral!"