Never get on facebook if you’ve been drinking. Maybe?
People say to never, ever log onto a social media site if you’re drunk. Hmmm? I disagree. I think America has been trapped in the tomb of political correctness for far too long. I can predict responses to questions according to the way they were worded most times. I bet you can too. If you read a string of posts I’ll bet you can tell when it’s about to end. Someone will write something that challenges people to get real and put themselves out there a little bit then an hour or more will pass without another post. No-one wants to be vulnerable to judgment. No-one wants to be politically incorrect. Is this really who we want to be?
Don’t get me wrong about alcohol. It has destroyed many lives and embarrassed even more but there is a certain quality to those who let it all go. The most humorous person I’ve ever heard in my life was a drunk on the sidewalk once. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him and loudly poured his heart out to all that walked by. He openly admired the physical features of passing women and told a young stud that he looked like a metrosexual. The policeman that arrested him laughed as he did. There was something very refreshing about the sidewalk drunk. The 1st Amendment was alive and well that day due to a little too much booze. What does that say about our society? We have never been a nation that plays by the rules so why now? Why when we converse in public? I think I would rather be offended than offered a canned response or polite question. At least the offensive remark would be spoken from the heart. We have become as dry as a brittle bone in the desert when we interact in these, enlightened times of knowledge through the age of information. Dry brittle bones represent nothing more than death. I want life. Truly I’m so tired of people saying the right things in the right way that I could scream. I would rather have someone pick a booger and eat it then spend five minutes properly wrapping it in a napkin and then washing their hands. At least there would be some quality of humanity left in them.
Whatever happened to that guy who used to lift his leg and fart in public? I miss that guy because although everyone said he was disgusting they still laughed when he did it. At least we can still see people at the beach who are much too overweight wearing bathing suits that are ten sizes too small. I like them best when they’re sweaty. Now that’s humanity at its core. What about all those people that used to burp loudly in public? Were they rounded up by the politically correct police and taken to a manners class? I used to admire their self-confidence. I wanted to burp loudly in public once but was too afraid. What if I crossed some line? Would there be no going back? Would I be a public burper forever? I do wish I would have burped in public just once. Maybe I’ll go without shaving for a while and wear old clothes. Then I could go to a town where no-one knows me and burp. I might even lift my leg and fart. Now that’s living. Maybe I could start a movement?
A friend of mine called me on the phone not long ago clearly drunk. This person almost never drinks alcohol so they were particularly funny. When my friend said: “I love you man” I knew the time was right. “You should log onto Facebook and we’ll talk some more” I suggested. Sadly he didn’t have a Facebook account. Dangit, that would have shown the correct ones a thing or two. I think we should all pick one day where we say out loud what’s really on our minds. You go first. I’ll go next, I promise.
I was thinking that if Facebook is a good place to talk openly while intoxicated then which place would be wrong. Hmmm? I think EBay is a very, very bad site to log onto when drunk. Let’s face it, when we drink too much there’s usually a root cause. Often times we’re upset about something. I don’t think drunken retail therapy will help. I have quite enough potato peelers and salad tongs already thank you. I almost did that once but a dark vision crossed my mind just in time. I saw a picture of myself screaming into the computer: “Curse you other bidder. You think you’ll get the Ronco bottle and glass cutter for fifty bucks? I’ll pay three hundred.” I logged off quickly.
Maybe we should just choose to be sober but act like we’re drunk when in public so we can be free to act like an idiot. Oh no, another vision comes to my mind. “What’s the charge bailiff?” “Your Honor, the defendant was charged with impersonating a public drunk and saying what he really thought.” “I sentence you to ten years at the ministry of political correctness re-education camp. That is all.” “But Your Honor I was just trying to be human again. Have mercy.” “There is no mercy for those who speak their minds. Twenty years.” (Long, sad sigh).
I’m 49 years old. I know that’s still young but I’m starting to think about my own mortality someday. I want to see one more sweaty, fat dude raise his leg and fart in public before I die. Whatever happened to that lady with the bad hair dye? Many don’t even know what the term blue hair means anymore. Darn you good hair products, darn you. What about the nervous girl on a date that talks way too loud next to your table? What about people that don’t bathe regularly? Life has become quite boring but it is correct. I guess.