Oh Heck!(Robin Joy Wirth) Oh, Heck!


I

Have you ever headed for the bathroom on a Monday morning and got sucked into a vortex straight to hell before you even got your first cup of coffee? Let me tell you, when something like that happens you just know it’s going to be one of those kind of days — you know, the kind you wish you could just skip over and forget ever happened.

This was about to be one of those kind of days.

I had my alarm clock set about fifteen minutes early so I could get a jump on the day, maybe have a light breakfast of toast and jam before I rushed out to catch the city bus to head on over to my first day of work at the city library. I was excited to have finally landed the job, and looking forward to a bright new future and a few extra dollars in my otherwise empty pockets.

I was trying to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake up my parents, who had made it clear that as this was their first day off in the last century they hoped to sleep in. My boyfriend had snuck into my room through my window a few hours earlier, and he had just snuck back out again, and just to be funny I had stolen his big, floppy T-shirt and put it on so I could cross the hallway to use the bathroom.

As I opened the door, however, I let out a horrendous scream as I stared right into a gaping, swirling hole ripped into the fabric of time and space. I slammed the door and just sort of stood there, and then my Dad opened his bedroom door and sort of glared at me, taking in my disheveled hair and my scanty attire with an irritated and somehow knowing scowl.

“What are you screaming about?” he demanded.

“Um, nothing?” I said casually, and opened the door again. I had just enough time to see his eyes widen in total surprise before I felt myself being sucked in head first. My scream distorted into weird, freaky noises as I was twisted into all sorts of shapes and sizes and then finally put back together again. I shook my head and blinked my eyes, then looked around to see where I’d ended up.

“What the heck?” said a demon who was seated primly at his breakfast table eating an English muffin and drinking orange juice. His slippered feet were crossed neatly at the ankle, and he was wearing a tailored dressing gown which he had left untied at the waist. He had a monocle in one eye, and his accent was decidedly British.

“Have I just died and gone straight to London?” I inquired as I looked sardonically up at him from my prone position on his parquet floor about a foot away from him.

“What are you doing here?” he inquired. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“Hell if I know,” I told him.

“Young lady, there is no hell,” he informed me. “The public has been sadly misinformed for the last few centuries. You, my dear, are in one of the outer rings of Hades.”

“Well then I suppose I won’t burn in hell if I say the word, will I?” I pointed out with a triumphant grin.

“You’ve got a point there,” he had to agree. “But, what the devil are we supposed to do with you? Humans don’t usually come to this area, and especially not by suddenly popping out of nowhere and landing in people’s kitchens for no apparent reason.”

“Um, not to make too big of a deal about it or anything, but I was sort of trying to use the bathroom when that vortex thing sucked me in, and I still haven’t gotten to—“

“Ah, yes, of course,” he said, nodding. “Right over there, third door to the right. And mind you don’t bother the imp, he gets rather cranky before breakfast.”

“Ok, thanks,” I said, and walked rather quickly to the door in question.

In I went, but I didn’t get far because the imp in question was blocking my path. With an earth-shattering scream, it launched a full-blown attack on my leg, gnawing on it like a chicken bone.

“Hey, let go of that!” I shouted as I tried to pull him off, and at about the same time realized I couldn’t hold it anymore. Wetness trickled down my leg and all over the creature, and it let out another, much more disgusted shriek this time as it ran in a completely other direction instead.

“What the heck happened?” the demon asked when I came back out.

“Before or after he left?” I asked innocently as I waved a hand under my nose.

“Before?” he asked.

“The stupid thing tried to bite my leg off,” I complained.

“Oh, that’s just his way of saying hello,” he explained. “Probably just being friendly.”

“Could have fooled me,” I said as I stuck out my tongue at the short red creature who was peeking out from behind the much bigger one. It whimpered and hid its eyes under its knobby little fingers.

“What’s that smell?”

“You guys don’t use toilet paper down here, do you?” I asked uncomfortably.

“I see,” he answered. “There’s a change of clothes in the second door. And I’ve decided what to do. We’re going to have to take you all the way down to the Big Cheese himself.”

“You mean—“

“Yes, I’m afraid the only way we’re getting you back home will be to go down and see Hades himself,” he answered. “By the way, you may call me Bob. And you are?”

“I’m Lily,” I told him. “Bob? Where’d you get a name like Bob, aren’t you a demon?”

“Um, it’s a nickname.”

“What’s your real name, then?” I wanted to know.

“Um, do you really need to know?” he asked, his red skin turning even redder, if that was possible.

“Sure, why not?”

“It’s Beelzebub,” he answered, hanging his head.

“Seriously?” I asked, trying not to laugh.

“Hey, it’s a family name,” he said. “Cut me some slack, will you?”

“Sorry,” I said. “Let me just go get some clean clothes and we can go, Bob, okay?”

“Sure, okay,” he agreed, and went back to sipping his orange juice.


II

To say that my journey to the center to Hades with Bob the Demon and his pet imp was somewhat of a culture shock would be vastly understating things. There is no possible way to describe to you some of the things I saw, not because they were indescribable per se, but because there are no words in the human language to describe them.

All manner of twisted beasts and fantasmagorical structures met my eyes as we went from cave to cave. I think I had grown complacent by the time we'd gone down a good four or five levels, thought I'd seen everything, but all of the sudden that changed with just one turn of a corner. We were in a deep, dark cave, It was dank and dark, just as one might expect so deep in the bowels of the earth, when all of the sudden we broke free of the enclosure into a huge cavern. Bright light shone all around us.

Blinking several times to adjust to the change, I was completely unprepared when I saw the source of that light. Had I not known we were deep underground, I would have thought I was looking at the sun. But of course, there could be no possible explanation for this — at least, not using the laws of physics as they are known to us on the human sphere of existence.

"Where the hell are we?" I gasped in awe as I looked upon what appeared to be a replica of the old west, complete with horses, hitching post, and the prerequisite saloon.

"Seventh ring, of course," Bob said, as if I should have known. After casting him a dubious look, I decided to head on over to the saloon for a drink.

"I wouldn't drink anything or eat anything around here if I were you," he advised, tugging at my elbow. "It could have some repercussions for your future existence."

"But I'm so thirsty," I protested. "I'm sure Hades would not begrudge me a drink of water."

"Well, I'm sure it's up to you," he answered, turning away so I would not see his smirk.

"Are you going to tell me that whole lot of rubbish about Persephone was the truth?" I scoffed.

"No, no, of course not," Bob said, chuckling outright. "She was just having a go with the master, and didn't want her mother to forbid it. Typical teenage stuff."

"So, what happens if I drink some water, then?" I wanted to know.

"Well, that's hard to say," he hedged. "It's different for every person, of course, but mostly it just means you have to work off your debt somehow."

"Work off my debt?" I repeated in exasperation. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"And you ought not use that word so freely around here, either."

"What, does the man downstairs keep track or something?" I inquired. "Saddle up, pardner, we're gettin' us some grog. I'm not gonna let some 'Big Cheese' tell me what for."

"As you wish," Bob said, following me into the saloon.

The first unusual thing I spotted about the place was the tumbleweed seated at the bar sipping on some whiskey. It looked up with a pair of eyes that were attached to a couple of its twiggy parts, and greeted us in a southern drawl,

"Howdy, strangers. What are y'all doin' in these here parts?"

"Um, well, I got sucked through a vortex straight into Bob's kitchen, and he's trying to help me get to the center of Hades to ask the Big Cheese to send me home."

"Well, doggie, that sounds like a load of fun," it said. "I'm Pecos Shrub. Mind if I tumble along with you two? I've been meaning to see the big cheese about gettin' me a nice pair of opposable thumbs. I figure if he sees a purty thing like you, he might be put in a givin' mood."

"Well, sure, I guess," I answered, looking over at Bob for confirmation. "I don't see why not."

"Hey, who brang that imp in here?" the barkeep bellowed. I turned and noticed that he was actually an animated saddle and decided to turn right back around again as he added. "Dang thing's peein' on the floor. There's gonna be heck to pay if that don't get cleaned up right quick."

"Sorry, sorry," Bob said, taking after the imp with a twig he broke off of Pecos's person and clobbering him with it several times.

"Hey, now, dern fool should ask before he goes takin' parts off a weed," Pecos complained. "That ain't natural."

"Yes, I quite agree," I told him as I drank down the tall, cool glass of water the barmaid had set in front of me.

"Are you sure you want to be doing that, missy?" Pecos inquired as he watched me gulp it down.

"Ah, that was the best water ever," I said on a sigh. "Ok, Bob, we can head on out if you'd like. I think your imp has overstayed his welcome anyway."

"Yes, let's get out of here," he agreed. "I think the locals have begun to gather, and if we don't get out soon we'll get stuck listening to them sing show tunes about all their town business for the next half hour."

"I'm gone!" I said, and the four of us high-tailed it out of there.

Unfortunately, before we got far, a fat, blobby looking many-tentacled orb floated before us and landed with a loud thud. Then it transformed into a chubby goddess in a daisy outfit. "Hello!" she said cheerfully as she pranced around with a green and yellow basket and tossed confetti everywhere.

"Who the hell is that?" I asked with my hand over my mouth.

"I heard that," she chided. "You really ought to mind how often you use that word, my dear. Anyway, as you may have guessed, I am Persephone. I've come here to guide you on your journey, if you will but listen to a few words of friendly advice."

"What the hell are you doing in Hades in the middle of summer?" I asked her.

"Ah, I see you've discounted some of what I've said already," she said with a moue of distaste. "No matter, to each their own. I just thought you should know that the road to the middle of Hades is always changing, and today's color to follow is gold."

"Gold?" I repeated.

"Yes, gold. From now on, any time you see something gold, that's the direction that you must follow in order to reach the center of Hades today," she explained. "And I see that your imp has already spotted the first golden item for you. You really ought to put on these gauntlets, my dear. You never know when you may have need of them."

I put on the gauntlets. They were actually quite awesome looking, and surprisingly did not restrict the movement of my hands in any way.

"Well, go on then, try them out," she suggested.

"What the hell do you mean, try them out?" I demanded. A bolt of energy flashed out and disintegrated a nearby boulder.

"Now remember, only blast a living creature if they are threatening to harm you or your friends," Persephone said. "And enjoy the rest of your day, will you? You act as though you haven't even had a cup of coffee."

"Well, actually—" I began, but she blobbed up and was gone before I could finish the sentence.

"Great, now I'm stuck walking around the netherworld with an imp dog and his demon master, and some tumbleweed who doesn't even know which way the wind blows," I complained. "Yo, Pecos, this way?"

"Oh, sorry, ma'am," he said, rolling back toward the rest of us. "I was just prospecting. There seems to be an awful lot of gold in these here parts today."

"Um, maybe we should follow him," I told Bob.

"Good plan," he agreed.


III

The trio of travelers and their little imp spent the greater part of the next few hours following the trail of gold. Not only did they get hopelessly lost, returning to the same spot several times, but when they finally did manage to get onto the right trail it led into a forest of giant stalactites and stalagmites. The sun disappeared from view, leaving them in the dark in the creepy place.

"Are you as nervous as I am, Lily?" Bob asked her as he latched onto her arm.

"Why are you nervous?" I asked. "You're the demon, I'm just a human."

"A human with some really awesome gloves," he pointed out. "I certainly can't call up a fireball with such ease, you know. It takes a lot out of a guy doing all that otherworldly stuff."

"But Bob, you're in otherworld, how come you call it that?"

"Oh, just so you'd know what I was talking about," he answered. "It never does hurt to work on one's communications skills when in the presence of a lady. Especially one as pretty as you."

"What the hell?" I gasped as his arm slid around my waist. "Are you flirting with me, Bob?"

"Um, maybe just a bit," he admitted as he let go and rubbed the back of his neck. I could tell he was blushing even in the dark, and I kind of liked it.

"I think you should know I've got a boyfriend back home," I said. "Not much of one, mind you. He's a lousy lay and he eats all my cashews and steals the remote, but I did kind of tell him I'd stop seeing other people if he did, so—"

"It's because I'm a demon, isn't it?" he inquired. "You can tell me if that's the trouble."

"Oh, no, not at all," I insisted. "I think you're a rather good-looking demon. If it wasn't for already having what's his name I'd probably be loving the fact that a demon like you would be into a girl like me."

"Truly?" he asked, looking up at me hopefully.

"Yes, truly," I answered, and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

"That is good to know, Lily," he said as he kissed the top of my head in return.

I hate to admit it, but I kind of liked the way it felt. It wasn't just that he kissed my head, but that his hand—er, claw, whatever — slid down my back and rested just above my hip while he did it. I wondered if being in Hades was starting to make me go insane, or if I'd just discovered something about the inner workings of my mind I had not yet realized.

"Come on, we need to keep moving," I said softly.

"Will you two be quiet?" Pecos grumbled as he tumbled up to our feet. "I've been trying to get your attention for over three minutes now. Don't you hear that sound?"

We paused to listen, and a screeching bellow shook the rafters (or whatever the roof of a cave full of dangerously sharp rocks that could easily break loose and cause your demise might be called) and made Bob and I cling to each other again. Whatever it was, it was on the move, and it was headed in our direction.

"Oh, now ain't that cute," Pecos commented as he looked at our proximity. "A regular picture perfect moment, and me without one of them fancy cameras."

"Oh, stop it," I grumbled as I let Bob go and he straightened up innocently. The imp started gnawing on my leg again, reminding me that I hadn't gotten to relieve myself recently. "You two wait here, I need to—um—well, go behind a stalagmite or something."

"Don't go too far," Bob warned me. "We don't know who—or what—that thing is."

"I promise," I told him.

Just as I was returning to my companions a huge dragon lumbered into view, and when it caught sight of us it shrieked again — and then cowered behind the biggest pillar it could find, sniveling.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" I asked. "You're a dragon. You should be munching our beaks, not mumbling behind your claws. Why are you hiding?"

"I—I've never seen a human before," he admitted. "You are a human, aren't you?"

"Last time I checked," I answered with a wry smile.

"And what are you doing—down here?" he asked. "We don't get many of your kind down here. Your souls hang out in ring nine until they reincarnate."

"I got sucked down here by some vortex that spit me out into Bob's kitchen," I explained. "We're on our way to see Hades and see if he can send me home."

"Hades, you say?" the dragon asked, coming out into the open. "Oh, I haven't seen him since I just hatched from my egg. I'd certainly love to come along."

"Why not?" I said, looking over at Bob, who nodded his agreement. "The more the merrier."

"Gold!" shouted Pecos from somewhere up ahead. "I found me some more gold!"

"By the way, would you mind terribly if we had you carry some of Pecos's booty? He's got us so loaded down we can barely move," Bob mentioned as he brandished a couple of bags and moved his head to indicate my bags as well.

"Load them on, kids," he said with delight. "I live for helping people, you know. I've always fancied I would be great in some sort of job of that nature. But you have no idea how hard it is for a good dragon to get people to appreciate him. I wonder if we could get the Big Cheese to write up some kind of a law stating that dragons deserve to be treated better."

"What a noble idea," I told him as I patted his shoulder. "Perhaps when we get there you should bring that up."

And so our most unlikely group continued on through the darkness of the caves until at last we began to descend. Bob squeezed my hand, which I realized with a start he'd been holding for some time now, and said, "This last jaunt down should do it. Are you sure you don't want to stay? I make a mean cup of tea."

"I would hope you'd have more redeeming qualities than that if you wanted to turn a girl's head," I whispered on a blush.

"I certainly do," he whispered back. "But if you go topside, you'll never know what they are, will you?"


IV

The inner chamber, home of Hades, the great God of the underworld, looked like it could use a maid. Clothes were strewn about, and half-eaten pieces of pizza littered the area as well. I did a double take as I noticed what looked like hunks of dot-matrix era computer paper wadded up into balls as high as the very tall ceiling of the area. Then I saw giant servers with blinking lights lining the walls to either side, stretching on for what seemed like miles in either direction.

"Where the hell are we?" I asked Bob as I took it all in.

"The Center of the Earth," he explained. "This is the place that runs it all."

"You mean to say the whole world is run by computers?"

"Well, yeah, Hades decided to join the information age," Bob told her. "Believe me, the place looks much better since he got rid of all the papyrus and quills, not to mention the cost of the blood he was using to write it all down. Astronomical overhead, let me tell you."

"So, where is the Big Guy?" I asked.

"The Big Cheese," Pecos corrected her as he rolled past.

"Oh, I didn't realize there was a law about what to call him," I snorted.

"Actually, there is, Lily," said a voice from behind us. We all turned to see a huge desk that hadn't been there before situated in the middle of the corridor. On top of it was a really big monitor that looked like it came from the nineties, and completely hid the face of the person who was speaking.

"Hello, Hades?" I asked nervously as I moved forward to peer around to the other side.

A large rat sat in an office chair. He was typing something in on a rickety old keyboard and chewing on a hunk of cheese that protruded from his mouth somewhat like a cigar.

"At your service," he answered with a nod of his head. "How do you like my current look? Is it too much? I can look pretty much like anything I want, and I was in a retro sort of a mood, so—"

"You're a giant rodent with a cheese cigar, how do you think you look?" I pointed out.

"Yeah, well, I suppose that's a typically human response," he commented dryly. "So, what seems to be the problem?"

"Your vortex sucked me to hell and I was wondering if I might be able to get back to where I belong?"

"So you want me to send you where you belong?" he clarified, glancing over at her companions. "Say, Bob, weren't you just in here the other day? I thought I gave you your wish for the century."

"Yes, sir," he said, blushing. The rat looked back at me with an unreadable expression. "Tell me exactly what you want me to do, little lady, you only get one wish and that's the one you'll have to live with."

"Well, I suppose you ought to send me back up top," I said, though even as I said it I realized it wasn't quite what I wished for, to tell the truth. I'd grown fond of the place, I suppose, and most especially of the demon who had taken time out of his day to help me out. I really did wish I could know him better.

"Very well, then," he said. "Take this coin, and head on over to the ferry. You shouldn't have any trouble getting aboard to go that way, it's mostly full coming back."

"Um, thanks," I answered as he plunked the thing in my hand and turned away to help the other two creatures who had come along with us.

"Miss Lily, look," said the dragon proudly as he held up his decree. "All signed and everything."

"Great," I said with a smile. Pecos didn't say a word, just used his new hands to give me two thumbs up before he rolled away.

"So, Bob, how did that wish of yours turn out?" asked Hades curiously as he glanced back at his monitor. "Damn, there's another bug in the system! Hold on." We watched as the rat scurried about opening server faces until he opened one in which a huge cockroach had taken up residence. "Get outta there!" he said, yanking the creature by one of its limbs and shoving it away.

"Sir," Bob said. "I think we'll need to discuss that matter in private."

"Oh, I see," he said, smirking. "Very well, then. Lily, run along dear, I'm a busy rodent. Bob will be along shortly to see you off."

I stepped into the portal that opened in front of me and found myself standing by the river. A skeleton boatman was leaning casually on an oar like it was a walking stick and drinking a cup of coffee.

"Hell, I sure could use some of that coffee," I told him with a grin.

"No problem," he said, and poured some out of his thermos into a cup and gave it to me. I drank it down greedily, and said, "Thanks."

"You ready to leave, then?" he inquired.

"Oh, I—I was hoping to see my friend again before I go."

"You should never look back while you're leaving this place, and I wouldn't go around using that word so much if I were you."

"All right, then take me back," I said on a sigh. My heart was heavy, but I refused to allow myself to look back as he rowed me back to the upper realm.

"You're sure you want to go?" he asked as I stepped off. "You seem awfully sad about it."

"I'm here now, aren't I," I said with a sigh. "Thanks for the ride."

"Be seeing you," he said with a toothy grin, and continued on up the river to pick up his next load of customers.

I stepped up to a door and walked out, and looked eye to eye with my father as he stood gazing into the bathroom with a dumbfounded look. "What's the matter with you, Dad?"

"Oh, nothing," he said, shaking his head.

"I better get to work," I said, stepping past him. I got dressed and headed out the door, and found my boyfriend waiting for me.

"I need my shirt back," he said grumpily. "And by the way, I'm sick of climbing in and out your window. When are you going to just tell your parents to back off? You're old enough to make up your own mind, you know."

A huge bolt of lightning came down and zapped him, leaving nothing but a smoldering burn mark where he'd just been standing. With a shocked expression, I looked around in wonder and saw Bob sitting on the curb, looking winded.

"See, I told you, not nearly as easy," he commented as he rubbed his smoking hand.

"What the hell did you do that for?" I demanded as I looked over my shoulder at the mess he'd made.

"Oh, well, you know how everybody else got their wish but me today?" he asked casually as he took my hand in his. "The Big Cheese gave me what I wanted, too."

"And what might that have been?" I asked him as he wrapped me into his arms and transformed into the most gorgeous specimen of human maleness I'd ever seen.

"I get to come up here, too," he said with a grin. "I figured, you weren't having much fun with that bloke anyway, so what the hell?"

Bob the Demon has got to be the hottest kisser this world has ever seen.

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